#I can't. i feel like it's hopeless to try and eat normally bc i won't lose this weight fast enough

[dickggansey]

.

#please do not read further if you're triggered by disordered eating in any way shape or form thank you 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 #I've gained so much weight these last 2 months I can't stand the feeling of my own body #I don't even know how much i gained #but it feels like too much #im short so even a little is noticable #i. I don't wanna kno how much I've gained #but i feel so. i feel so fat. in a wrong way #I've been binging too much #and then starving myself too much #and then binging again #week off week on #and im. I've covered all my mirrors i only wear stretchy clothes I haven't lefy home much #I don't know how much I've gained really #but i feel so wrong. too fat. too round #it isn't bad to be fat or round. but I'm not healthy. like. I've been binging and binging and it's #I can't. i feel like it's hopeless to try and eat normally bc i won't lose this weight fast enough #even starving myself I won't lose it fast enough #i can lose it in a month. month and a half. if i do things right #but it's still... seems so far away #like i have to spend yet another month without looking at myself in the mirror #when I've already spent 2 months without doing so #i feel so fucking ugly #anyways i promise I don't post about this often #but i wanna tear my own skin off my fucking body #it's been 12 years of this i want out i want out i want out #ed tw

[daz4i]

suicide and general negativity ig

i hate that english doesn't have a good word for מיואש (filled with despair. hopeless? ig) bc this is how i'm feeling fr

there is just. nothing good. and there is so much bad - both BAD bad bc of the war but also mundane bad bc yknow, Life - that i'm getting so overwhelmed i can't handle anything

my whole month is filled with medical shit and there's probably gonna be even more bc i need more tests and they're all just. such a pain to do (it sounds whiny but genuinely i can't handle them. just thinking abt them makes me so anxious bc they all require lots of painful preparation, sometimes for a few days, and they're so gross and require being poked with needles which my medical trauma certainly isn't helping with. and even tho i did so many already they can't find shit and i'm so tired i'm so done with this body

and like. it'd be one thing if i wanted to live. if i wanted to make my life better or thought it was possible. but by now i know it's not and i know i won't so it just becomes infinitely harder. like if i compare life to being in prison, it feels like the warden decided to torture me just for fun to make it even worse

but there is nothing good there is nothing to look forward to bc everything is shit and nothing's worth it and i hate when ppl tell me to enjoy the little things bc there is nothing to enjoy about them either. i can't have most of them anyway. i wish i could. but this shitty ass body and fucked up brain won't let me

there is no future for me i know i'm never gonna amount to anything when i can't even do the most basic shit about being human, literally how am i gonna be able to fulfill my """"potential"""" when i can't even do stuff like eat or sleep normally. when i can't go outside. when i can't handle being around people. when my body crashes and burns after standing for a few minutes or walking for more than a couple hundred meters. what even IS there for me to achieve in such a state. the only win i can have is getting out of bed and it doesn't feel like a win because i don't. want. to live. i have fucking professionals, people getting paid to help me do at least some of these things, and i can't bring myself to even take the first step bc just thinking about it makes me clam up so bad i can't move or talk and everything starts hurting so much more

there's not even. mundane fun. or joy. bc no one i know has time or energy for that. bc that's just what being an adult is ig. not that there's much to do in order to have fun anyway. like i said nothing to look forward to everything is so shit and nothing actually brings me joy anyway and it's not like i can handle being around people enough to help with that

i was not meant to be alive i am not designed to exist and like at this point I'd assume my who knows how many near death experiences may have been the universe trying to correct the mistake that is my existence and for some reason not managing to pull through the final stretch

i'm so tired i'm so done with this i wish i could be killed in some certain quick way bc i can't. i can't handle any of this. this is too much

#vent #a very long one. because. i am doing very bad rn 👍 #i am in the trenches as they say. #suicide // #what if i take a bunch of pills. ik i'm just more likely to throw up then get hospitalized but man :/ #my body is so fragile yet so resilient at the same time. it can't handle anything but it survives through everything #man i'd ask for help rn but idk what even could help me rn. other than being killed i mean #already took a clonex and i can feel it fighting for its life to calm me down but unfortunately. my shitty brain's shittiness is stronger #anyway sorry for all the negative bullshit it's been a bad week and it's gonna be a bad month #january usually is honestly. #i mean last year i met [redacted] and they did make me want to live but! that lasted a month. so. no more will to live for me 👍 #sorry for the even more negativity #trying to keep it contained to one post at least to spare your dashboard more bullshit later tonight #...i want to know ppl don't want me gone tho. maybe. idk if that'll help. but. ugh idk how to ask for things sorry