#I don’t remember my hs self fondly so I don’t see why anyone else would yknow

[cherrysnax]

I once heard that dreaming about someone constantly means that they’re thinking about you. Maybe these people miss you too?

kneejerk reaction is that I hope they’re not thinking of me tbh

#is that the truth? I’m not too sure. I just think it’s be easier to be okay with the concept of everyone forgetting me forever than to sit #with the mortifying possibility of being known and remembered #I don’t remember my hs self fondly so I don’t see why anyone else would yknow #I was already kinda convinced everybody hated me before I vanished so I guess. if ppl are thinking about me it’s negative #it’s scarier if it isn’t lmaoo #I don’t know what’s wrong with me #but yeah I don’t think it works like that nonnie or at the very least I hope it doesn’t <3 #I think I’m just a weird guy whose brain is trying to hold on to idealized memories of the past because he’s afraid of growing up #n wishes they had the insight they do now back then. if I had known I was a nb lesbian dealing w massive comp het #if I had known abt the bpd I could’ve realized that I split on ppl and myself #i was so excited to have friends and be cared about man #I hate that little guy I was but I don’t blame them for being stupid and not understanding shit. I wish I could slap my younger self on the #back of the head and be like “’be normal dumbass ur friends like you’’ #I uhh often focus on hurting myself more than not hurting the people around me and it was rlly bad back then #asks #nonnie #this is all to say that I think that the constant feeling of instability and academic stress is causing me to subconsciously wish for the #the days I perceive as being easier. it’s a mishmash of real events and things that possibly could’ve been if I was normal #I believe I want a feeling of control or something? idk. idk that contradicts everything #dreams are just dreams. I’m probably just regretting how much of senior year I lost and that’s it