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cereittanyprincess15 · 6 years

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Unfortunate hiatus (very long post)

Hello darlings, I’d like to have a not-so-quick word. I know I’ve been very scarce with posting since last year, I’m very aware of it in fact, and while I’ve still managed to get a few MEP parts out and one pretty long video since then it hasn’t been nearly enough compared to have much I wanted/needed to have finished. The thing is, I burnt myself out trying to finish my TTWU audition on time, it was so bad I was losing major amounts of sleep, and the day it was due I was actually running on fumes and only getting some rest in the hours it was rendering before I had to run to work because it ended the exact hour I started. It was really bad, but I got in and I was so happy, but because the burnout had begun I wasn’t able to summon that same amount of drive to finish the first round and ended up falling into a very deep depression.

I loathed myself for working so hard to get in and then dropping out before I could finish that first entry when everyone else was working so incredibly hard around me and that spot could’ve gone to someone else, someone who could’ve told their own story, and that depression mixed in with the burnout to create the biggest blackhole of inspiration I have ever experienced in my years as an editor. So I stopped editing for a while, and became what I hated the most: a deadline-missing unresponsive unreliable MEP letdown.

I joined so many MEPs before the rp started that I was left with no drive to finish the parts I had left, and I felt so embarassed and hypocritacal in not finishing anything that I feared going up to the hosts to explain why I wasn’t done. If I had no intention of finishing the part because I lost interest I ended up lying because I felt they had waited so long, I should just suck it up and give them their part anyway, and if I wanted to finish my inspiration to actually sit down and work was still gone so I had to keep asking for time. I was disgusted by myself for letting my reputation, at least how I saw it, fall because I was becoming that awful type of person who disappeared once the deadline came around, and I wanted so badly to finish everything but no matter how long I regained my strength or how inspired I became by those really awesome parts I was looking so forward to I just couldn’t bring myself to work for longer than an hour or so if I was lucky.

That was last year, and so many people are still waiting on me. There are for certain MEPs I want to leave because I just don’t care enough anymore, and ones I want to finish, and while my friends were telling me to put my own feelings first and just leave the MEPs, I never could. Well, now I have to.

Last week I was downloading the last movies I needed for a HUGE multiship video I’m doing for a friend (who’s also been waiting ages for this and I am so thankful for her patience) and while I was away from my laptop my drive holding all of my movies decided to crash. I plugged it back in and it popped up after about ten minutes of it being so frozen that even my laptop was freaking out, and it appeared to be fine, until I tried to play a video. It disappeared from my computer list and the drive itself started to make a horrid clicking noise, and after a second of panic I unplugged the drive and checked the internet for an answer on my phone seeing as my laptop was also acting very very bad.

Naturally, the sound was even worse than I’d expected. According to the internet, it could mean there’s a piece inside the drive that’s out of place, and the clicking was it possibly ruining my data. That, or the drive is already dead. It’s been unplugged since then and tonight I was able to bring it in to get it sent off just like the last time my drive broke. This time, instead of just agreeing on the expensive price and sending it off, the woman behind the counter told me she can’t do a thing with it until I bring in a receipt for the drive. That, and $1600. Then it’d be sent off to I’m guessing Toronto to get checked out, where there’s a chance that my data couldn’t even be recovered.

That was the last screenshot I took (back in January so there were tons more now) of how many movies I had and how much space I had left to show my friends when I told them I really had no more room. That’s just the movies, which I’ve bee collecting for a decade with almost all of my animation ones being in 1080p, with some rarer ones being my greatest pride of them all after years of searching. The rest of the stuff on that drive was my documents, including plans for videos and all my stories that I’ve been writing but not posting since gradeschool, all my pictures including ones of friends I no longer talk to, family, a lot of fanart I’ve collected, and gifts, all my music which is mostly on my laptop but there’s a good amount I deleted off here to make space, all of my downloads including my sister’s old videos that not even she has anymore, more gifts from friends that are no longer available online at all, videos I love and have been watching since 2006, and all my own videos that I’ve made since then as well. I have the vegas and AE files themselves on another drive to free up room and get it all in the same place, but my videos themselves I may’ve just lost. Completed ones, incomplete ones, random ones I made for myself, some animation projects I did for school, all the bits and pieces of old manips for really old projects, all of that might be gone now and after leaving the store knowing that it could be gone for good even if I had the money to send the drive off I spent the next hour or so crying alone in the car because of how frustrated I was.

I’ve heard the old ‘sometimes these things just happen, gotta move on’ spiel, I’ve heard it a lot over a ton of different subjects. But this was my past, 12 years of it, all collected into one place. If this stuff is gone I’ve lost so much that I’ve personally created and found joy in doing so, and I’ll never be able to recreate it or get it back. I find it impossible to just ‘move on’ from something like that, and it’s tearing at me so hard that I can feel my chest physically hurting.

So, now that this has happened, I’ve officially lost my inspiration. I’m taking a long break from editing now that I’ve lost so much of my material, and almost all of my non/disney collection, and will be withdrawing myself from most of the projects I’m in sans a few, which I will list in a bit. I have a mobile backup downstairs where I can get a good deal back, but most of those files are old and I don’t have the money or space to get a brand new drive to copy it onto and start my movies collection over again, nor do I have the energy. I have around 100 of those 753+ movies on my editing drive, and I still have all my shows, but that doesn’t really help a non/disney editor much if all she has is anime.

I was hoping to open up my first rp contest this summer, so I could become more active with the community and make up for how little I participated in TTWU; I wanted so badly to be apart of the group, but I felt I didn’t deserve to speak to such awesome and talented people when I couldn’t give it my all, so I disappeared just like Jim and tried to let myself be forgotten. I wanted to make up for that with this new rp, and make more friends, but this had to hit me right as I was finalizing the details and now I just don’t have the energy to even think of starting it.

Things I’m leaving, I’ll message the hosts:

Girls Like Girls - Belle and Anya (halfway done, no masking)

Game of Survival - Helga and Tarzan (never started, lost inspiration)

Unhealthy Relationship - Gothel and Bernard (really lost inspiration)

Hit Me Baby - Tulio and Belle ft Louie and Jane (never started, unsure of deadline?)

Meteor Shower - Elsa and Peri (really wanted to do but never started)

Over the Sea - Jane and Pocahontas (cancelled I think?)

Body Electric x Control - JD and Rapunzel (never started, lost Heathers)

I Took a Pill in Ibiza - Hollina (never started)

Young Love - Miguel and Sinbad (never started)

Things I’m finishing (if the hosts still let me):

The Heart Wants What it Wants - Ariel and Lottie ft Eric (halfway done, no masking)

Perfect Ruin - Aurora, Tulio, and Jim (almost done, haven’t lost anything)

Gasavages - Phoebus and Dimitri/Peter (still fixing up to personal perfection)

Gasavages - Mulan and Esmeralda (never started)

Dirty Dancer - Felicie and Camille (halfway done, lost inspiration)

Ghost Lights - Jane and Mulan ft Eris (gunna talk to host about it)

Personal projects I need to finish:

That multiship video (only lost those final movies, have lower quality ones on mobile drive just in case, everything else is on editing drive)

All my collabs are on hold unless the other person wants to just cancel them considering what happened, granted I only have collabs with two people but still

All my requests are still written down and are doable but now I have to rely on what I have left and screenshot sites so that unnecessarily complicates making them

All my MEPs have no deadlines now seeing as I have parts in all of them and I’m obviously not going to be finishing them anytime soon, either way the deadlines all passed last year so it’s not like setting new deadlines will matter right now. I feel so bad about having to walk off of so many considering they’ve waited so long for me, but I don’t want to lie to anyone any longer and keep them waiting on me. I never wanted to be so unreliable but I ended up being a real shithead when it came to deadlines, so maybe I deserve this as karma. Either way, this blog probably won’t have many additions to it in the near future unless a miracle happens and I get my drive fixed, but I won’t be holding my breath. Maybe now I’ll get the chance to work more with Teen Titans again and do some anime videos, but that’ll only be after this sadness wears off.

#ray talks about stuff #i've been needing to make this post for months #i just wish it had never come to this though

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