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pawjamas · 3 years

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hey..i’ve been back from my stay at the residential facility for several days now and A lot happened, which i’m putting under a a readmore bc it’s potentially triggering (warning for mentions of s*xual abuse/gasl*ghting/etc) my life is basically being uprooted, so much happened in the month of June and is currently still happening, which i’ll explain below

i was admitted to the residential facility on June 9th, it seemed super promising, there was an abundance of 4-5 star reviews from patients online. my friend who currently is working in the mental health field researched about the facility and also confirmed that it seemed a lot better than most places are. the first day was kind of rough and i knew getting adjusted would be difficult but could never have expected what happened the following several days to happen. i made friends pretty quickly, my roommate on the first day there was very kind to me, she told me if i ever needed someone to talk to that she’d be there for me, we also shared the fact we were both nonbinary/just a lot of things we had in common so it was comforting to know her on the first day there.

i spoke to my psychiatrist the next day who told me i could get off “close observations” which is why i was in the room i was, the label is basically something you get put on if you’re at risk for s*lf h*rm/etc and need a staff member w/ you at all times. so since i was taken off of that i was switched to a different room with a different roommate. she was a 60 yr old woman who was in the other program offered at the facility (mine was mental health related and hers was for substance abuse/addiction) i didn’t feel too comfortable around her the first night, she complained about every single thing, she never participated in the groups offered at the facility, she told me over and over again how much she hated being here. the next few days were a blur and are still very fuzzy, my mind is still keeping all the memories locked away which has happened to me many times before w/ trauma where everything’s vague and not fully there.

basically, over the course i was roommates w/ this woman she groomed me and manipulated me into doing anything she wanted me to do for her, she physically/s*xually assaulted me multiple times, and caused my mental health to plummet even further than i thought was possible. i eventually did get to switch rooms, and i only recalled (again, vaguely) what happened those nights about a week later and reported it to the staff where half of them treated it like a joke. i went to the hospital the night i reported everything to get examined and ended up calling my mom on my friend’s phone (she drove to the hospital and stayed w/ me the whole time) and my mom was probably the worse to take my trauma/situation out of anyone. she told me i should’ve spoken up sooner, asked why i didn’t defend myself from this woman, basically the whole phone call was her blaming me for not doing anything about my assault. when i hung up my friend even told me that what she said wasn’t okay, and was victim-blaming.

i left the hospital and got back to the facility around 1:00 am, and the following days i spent there i was continuously getting worse because being in the environment my trauma had happened was preventing me from healing, plus i literally had to be in the same rooms as the person who had assaulted me and seeing her was extremely triggering. she continuously would call me crazy and delusional and that i made the entire thing up, i had difficulty telling what was real and what was not because of how bad i was treated by her and the staff. i’m thankful i met some really kind patients there that became my friends, they helped me the most out of anyone there. at one point a nurse had pulled me into a room and told me how i should never have spoken up about my abuse, how i should consider how it makes my abuser feel, and stop talking to the friends i made about it. but i’m glad i had people who would actually listen.

i mentioned it once but again, my mom was probably the worst person to talk to when all this was happening, at one point one evening when phones were available i called her and told her i needed to leave, i wanted to come home because this all of this was affecting me so badly, and she screamed over and over that i can’t come home and i have to stay, that it’s too bad that happened but continuing to do the program was more important. at that point i broke down and cried, begging her to let me come home and she screamed repeatedly for me to shut up and then hung up on me.

after that evening i knew that i wouldn’t be taking any shit from her any longer, i called my friend who lived nearby about her the following day or so, asked if i could stay with her at her apartment, which didn’t end up happening because we both worried my mom being as spiteful as she is would take legal action if i did leave w/ my friend instead of my mom. i ended up talking to a couple of the friends i made there that i was having bad intrusive thoughts, and that evening i was baker acted (involuntarily hospitalized) and transferred to another facility, which could’ve been because of the staff or me being reported for the thoughts i was having, but regardless i was away from my abuser and didn’t have to see her again.

the hospital i stayed at was...a lot worse than the other place, i barely got to speak to the psychiatrist/therapist during my entire time there, people would joke about how little time you got w/ them. they ended up keeping me there longer than the required 72 hrs, which i asked multiple people why and never got an answer, at one point my mom wanted to make sure i was sent back to the residential facility of which i had to explain would be detrimental to me and my health, but as usual when she had her mind set on something she won’t listen to reason or anyone who explains other (more beneficial) options.

i ended up calling my friend that lived back in the town i live in, told her the whole story and what’s been going on, and ultimately asked if i could move in with her because her and her family had already offered to let me. she was more than happy to have me move in, so that’s what i ended up planning on doing when i got discharged, was have her pick me up instead of my mom. and i called my mom to tell her that i’d be moving out, all the reasons why it’d be beneficial to us both, she took it horribly and told me if my friend picks me up i can never ever come home again and that i’m kicked out. i told her that’s fine, even though it hurt so badly when she said it.

finally, the following monday i was discharged, my friend from back home picked me up along w/ her husband, and we made sure to get all my things from the residential facility (my clothes/shampoo/makeup/etc) before heading back to her house, which was about an hour and a half drive home.

so now i’m staying w/ her, i still feel out of place and disoriented and uncomfortable but her and her family have been very welcoming. i’m trying to get all my stuff from my mom’s but it’s been a huge struggle to get anything from her because she loves to overcomplicate anything and then make it seem as if it’s all your doing and she’s the biggest, kindest saint ever to grace your life. my friends and i all think she has undiagnosed/untreated bipolar, and i definitely think she at least needs therapy and meds too but she doesn’t believe in either for herself. i just want my stuff back, and i do miss my room a lot and jazzy but there’s no way i’m getting either back, i’m also worried how my mom is treating jazzy because she hates him and i’ve witnessed first-hand what she’s done to him before.

i might post my p*ypal / v*nmo (censoring bc i think tumblr is weird abt posts that have these keywords or smth) because i don’t have any income rn...thank you if you read all this lmao i still didn’t even cover half of the other stuff i went through at the place i was baker acted but essentially my life has been turned upside down and i’m having to figure out how to keep going despite it all

#diary 📖#please read if u can #i want to get my tablet back so i can open commissions #idk why my mom wouldn’t let me have it but she’s Super spiteful so who knows #i want my switch too/laptop i especially need my computer ughhh #genuinely when i thought things couldn’t get any worse there was an extra layer of hell for me to fall into

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alighterwithlove · 5 years

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I hung up a list of my 10 goals for 2k18 next to my bed for the whole year and looking over it now - I definitely did not accomplish all that I set out to do. but I think 2k18 was still very important for me as a 20-smth who is still growing and learning and I think I at least wanna do a review of it so -

1. Find a full-time career job in 2k18

I have a 40 hour a week entry-level job in the public sector!! since it’s entry-level, the salary isn’t enough for my mountain of student debt. it’s been a learning experience - there are things like office politics and bureaucracy and differing expectations. I’m lucky rn that I have a lot of opportunity to grow and buff up that resume because I will find a higher-paying full-time career job in 2k19.

2. Leave my abusive family in 2k18

I have been unable to accomplish this as my salary isn’t enough for me to move out comfortably. I’m still being abused by them both emotionally and financially and I still get triggered by them - but my therapy is working!! I am learning to recognize that what they say isn’t real, and I am fighting for my boundaries (they don’t go through my mail anymore!! amazing!!) unfortunately, staying with them is the only way I can save money atm so I feel a lil stuck, which is why now I will make a tangible plan - financial and realistic - to leave my abusive family in 2k19.

3. Make real life friends, reconnect with old ones in 2k18

This is hard. I know for sure I’ve reconnected with one friend, and I’ve met up with a couple others. I know for sure my internet friends have expanded by a few people this year which is very exciting and I am making plans to visit at least one of them!! but as for real life people, I’m still slowly getting to know a couple new people my age through these friends so I will continue making real life friends in 2k19.

4. Start exercising at least once a week in 2k18

Yeesh. I managed to keep that up for about a month and a half and then couldn’t keep it up for a number of factors (ie. abusive family lmao.........). I’ve already made tentative plans to try smth different to mitigate some of those factors for the new year so I will start exercising at least once a week in 2k19.

5. Learn to read and write fluently in Punjabi in 2k18

FUCK...... I was doing so well for the first half but then I couldn’t keep going to classes after the summer due to a number of factors (ONCE AGAIN, familial abuse!!!!!!!) and a lot of what I learned has slipped away - but I am at least comfortable with the fact that I am capable of learning my mother tongue!!! time to continue learning to read and write in Punjabi in 2k19.

6. Write original fiction in 2k18

how many of these can I blame on familial abuse oh my god sjdhjskfhkd OKAY WELL, I want to celebrate this one thing: I was able to write my first original short story this year!!! and it was accepted and published this year!!!! I did that!!!! I got money for an original piece of writing and I’m very excited!!! to ride that momentum, I want to write and submit three pieces of original fiction in 2k19.

7. Learn to take care of my body and hygiene in 2k18

I improved on this a lot!!! my skin has smoothed out a lot and my hair is healthy and shiny. I’ve kept up a regular eating schedule and a fairly regular sleeping schedule!! I have a bedtime!! I’ve gained a lot of weight as well which means I have more energy!! I want to improve my schedule of self-care in 2k19.

8. Date someone in 2k18

in hindsight, I went on like... three dates in 2k18 which were very nice and lovely but I haven’t re-connected with them. and after that, I haven’t actively looked for anyone to date. I... don’t really know what to do with this goal. I know that I get jealous sometimes that so many of my friends are in happy, healthy long-term relationships which I think is an indication that “long-term romantic relationship” is a thing that I do want, but. I am... at a loss how to get there tbh.

9. Pursue my interests further by myself and with others in 2k18

jesus these are getting esoteric. I don’t remember what interests I had in mind when I wrote this but I’m sure I did do them!!! I am realizing I have a number of interests - a lot of them involving media analysis, mythology, religion, spirituality, things like astrology and tarot cards, and ofc writing. always always always writing. I don’t think I was able to pursue them to my full potential however because living with my family limits me significantly. it’s a nice sentiment tho and I’m sure I did improve in some small way. baby steps!!

10. Learn to be more honest and vulnerable with others and myself 2k18

I am...... not very good at this. I am definitely trying - but I don’t think I do it very well and instead cause... mood whiplash when I do, because my first instinct after saying I’m having some sort of difficulty is to alleviate it with ‘OH BUT IT’S FINE!! I am a problem-solver :) and here’s a cute cat picture as a distraction’. [rubs face] I am so focused on trying to self-improve and problem-solve that I am realizing I don’t give myself space to just... Feel Sad. Feel Jealous. Feel Lost. and while I don’t want to wallow, I do think there’s a healthy middle-ground somewhere where I am just... allowed to have a feeling without immediately jumping into OKAY FIX NOW GO GO GO. this one is.... also... I am honestly at a loss how to get better at this? after such a fat paragraph, the real goal is find a therapist in 2k19.

so yeah!! that’s the summary!! and here’s my new list:

Find a higher-paying full-time career job in 2k19

Make a realistic plan on how to exit my abusive household as safely as possible

Continue making real life friends in 2k19

Start exercising once a week in 2k19

Continue to learn how to read and write in Punjabi in 2k19

Write and submit three pieces of original fiction in 2k19

Improve my schedule of self-care in 2k19

Find a good therapist in 2k19

#mika rambles on #real taurus antics is making goals that can't possibly be accomplished in one year but instead is part of an esoteric long-term plan #whatever we out here trying to live our best life

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