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jellogram · 4 days

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I've alluded to my zzzquil DPH trip before but I realized I've never actually told the story. Since I can't sleep rn it seems like a good time to write it up. I'll break it up with a readmore because it's a bit long but hopefully you can enjoy laughing at me.

So here is a great story to describe my teenager stupidity + what it's actually like to trip on DPH (benadryl).

First there's three things you have to know about me:

I have chronic lifelong insomnia

I have a panic disorder that is often triggered by interruptions in my sleep schedule

I have zero impulse control

So the trouble begins when I have to get up at 7am for a literature final my freshman year of college. I was regularly sleeping til 1pm at the time. I'm not nervous for the test, but I'm FREAKING out about the wakeup time. I cannot describe how miserable I felt all week, but if you have an anxiety disorder you understand the dread.

But my campus market sells zzzquil! I can just knock myself unconscious! This is a fantastic idea that definitely won't backfire!

Get the bottle. It's bedtime. I take a dose. Hmmm, that didn't seem like enough. Take another dose. No no no, I can still hear myself think. Just chug it, it's fine. I had that little voice in my head that always yells at me when I'm doing some dumb shit, but as usual, I was too swept up in the impulse to listen. I simply did not want to be conscious for another moment longer.

I drank about half the bottle within one minute.

Look at the bottle. It's more than half gone. Immediately the anxiety takes over from the impulsiveness. I weighed about 90 pounds. Would this... kill me? Suddenly I am realizing how badly I don't want to die. I'm hyperventilating. I feel like I'm underwater. What do I do?

I go on reddit and quora and webmd. This is where I learn for the first time that a) people take this drug, DPH, recreationally and b) those people are considered freaks by the greater drug community because of how bad the high is.

Five seconds later I'm in the bathroom trying to make myself puke but it's not working. We've got to ride this out. I'm getting drowsy and it's drowning out the panic attacks, so maybe I'll just sleep through the trip.

And folks, that is when I entered the mirror dimension.

I slept fine for an hour or two. But when I woke up, I was no longer on earth. I was in purgatory. It's impossible to describe. Everything felt wrong and scary in ways I can't convey with words. It was like a nightmare. I felt like I was moving through jell-o. I could hear crowds of people whispering around me. I didn't visually hallucinate, but it was just this incredible uncanny feeling that I was in the wrong place. Like I'd been sucked from my world and dropped into a nearly identical one.

I went into the living room and curled up on the couch and I felt like I weighed a thousand pounds. I could hear busy street noise outside but I knew this wasn't real. People kept whispering. I just knew something was very very wrong, but I was too sedated to be anxious about it. So I just waited it out, shaking and confused on the couch, in the dark, listening to the shadow people talk shit about me.

Finally, the sun came up and the evil wrong feeling started to dissipate and I started to feel less high, but it's not like you just shake off an experience like that. My alarm went off. Time to go take a literature final I guess.

I walk to the test like a zombie. The girl next to me asks if I'm ready for the exam. I grumble. "Haha, not a morning person?" she jokes. "Not really," I say.

What am I supposed to say? I just spent the last 8 hours in purgatory because I'm a fucking idiot and I chugged half a bottle of sleep medication without thinking? Because I couldn't stand the anxiety of *looks at smudged writing on hand* having to wake up at 7am?

You can't just tell that to a stranger, not when you're too disoriented to even begin to answer questions.

I took my final, which involved long form essays about books I hadn't read because, as well established here, I was not a functioning human. So I bullshitted the entire thing. I was still high enough that I wasn't sure I was even awake at the moment. I could not have recollected a single thing I wrote. I walked out of that class feeling relief that it was over, anxiety about failing, and most of all embarrassment that I had even created this situation for myself.

I got an A.

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lover-boy-liam · 1 year

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Dazai incorrect quotes

Dazai: Do not come over to my house. If the house is on fire you may knock once, if I don't answer assume set the fire and I want to burn to death.

Dazai: Am I a boy? Am I a girl? It doesn't matter.

I'm going to burn your house down.

Dazai: You were wise to seek help from the world's most deadly weapon.

Dazai: It's me.

Shapeshifter: *transforms to look like Dazai*

Dazai: Okay, are you like BLIND? You look nothing like me. First off, l'm way taller. Secondly, I DO NOT look so sleep deprived and lastly, if you could drag comb through that hair you're like a 7 on a good day and I've been told I'm a constant 10.

Dazai: Just took a personality test and got an A+.

Dazai, to the squad: And remember, if I get harsh with you it is only because you're doing it all wrong.

Dazai: God has let me live another day and I'm going to make it everyone's problem.

Dazai: I'm sick and tired of being called 'mortal' like, you don't know that. Neither do I. I have never died even ONCE. Nothing has been proven yet.

Stop making assumptions. It's rude.

Dazai: The 'how the fucks' and 'why are you so dumbs' don't matter. All that matters is that I have a new gun.

Dazai: A fistfight CAN be romantic.

Dazai: Hello, McDonald's, I would like to purchase 130 chicken nuggets. Prepare yourselves.

Dazai: It's not like I try to blow things up, exactly. It just sort of happens. You've got to admit though, fire is fascinating.

Dazai, opening a Capri Sun: Guess I'II drink my sorrows away.

Dazai, writing in his diary with a glitter gel pen: I'm losing my sense of humanity. Nothing matters. God is dead. There's blood on my hands.

Dazai: As someone who has a long history of not understanding anything, feel confident in my ability to continue not knowing what is going on.

Dazai: I warned you.

Dazai: I'm perfect.

Dazai: I'm naturally funny because my life is a joke.

Dazai: Sometimes, don't realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird.

Dazai: Well, if you're not at least a little bit gay for your friends, then what kind of friend are you?

Dazai: If looking good was a crime, you'd be a law abiding citizen.

Dazai: Well you see, the explanation is perfectly simple and scientific. It was because shut up. Shut up is why.

Dazai: Is this a good idea?

Dazai: Probably not.

Dazai: Do I care?

Dazai: No.

Dazai: I am literally evil incarnate.

Dazai: I'm not actually, I just enjoy being evil.

Dazai: Which I think actually makes it even more evil because l'm making a conscious effort.

Dazai: I came out here to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now.

Dazai: STOP!

*Everyone stops*

Dazai: wAiT a MiNuTe-

Dazai: I'm gonna mix a can of Red Bull with seventeen shots of espresso in a fishbowl and then chug it while Kids by MGMT plays in the background so I can perceive twenty-three spatial dimensions and fight my own soul.

Dazai: The only straight I am is a straight-up badass.

Dazai, working at McDonald's: Sorry sir, we don't serve a McFuck here, so either you throw that one slice of pickle out or we're gonna have a McProblem.

Dazai: I know your having a panic attack, but get ready for a physical attack

#bsd incorrect quotes #bsd dazai #wtf is happening #lol #bsd shitpost

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