#I'm pretty skinny irl but I have NOTHING on those people that get used as ''th*nspo''. Most people don't.

[emberwritesinsight]

Was minding my own business searching for posts about Buddy the Elf (not actually an elf, go watch the movie Elf, I'm psychically compelling you) only to get jumpscared by a bunch of pro*na posts and thus got a rude reminder that THAT'S a subculture that exists on this site

(Let me know if I need to trigger tag this)

#i didn't need or want to know what an ''*na buddy'' is #I've never battled with an eating disorder so it's not actually triggering for me #but those few times I've given into the bile fascination and looked at those types of blogs... the things i have seen #are these people as disgusted by other people's bodies as they are by their own? #because if so it must be pretty hard for them to go outside #I'm pretty skinny irl but I have NOTHING on those people that get used as ''th*nspo''. Most people don't. #They remind me of that time my uncle's stomach-ring thingy (medical device i don't know the name of) started literally killing him #bro was actively wasting away in front of me until he got the damn thing removed with a lot of prodding from my mom #of course being that skinny doesn't always mean there's something medically wrong with you- pretty sure some people just look like that #but it's both sad and horrifying to see people desperately aim for That by literally starving themselves.

[sentientgopro]

Coming up on 3 months since cracking. It's still, like, a week away, but honestly, close enough and I wanna write this post now. Not much is gonna change in that time anyway.

The main thing I wanna note is like, the SIGNIFICANT mental changes. There is a name. I have never uttered that name out loud. Noone knows the name IRL. Noone has used that name for me online. Nothing.

...But If I, just quickly, imagine someone calling my name, or getting my attention, that's the name they're saying. If I quickly imagine someone referring to me in third person, I'm she.

And I think of these same things with my current name and it just doesn't quite feel right, or the same anymore.

People always talk about the infamous "I'm a girl" dreams. and I've started getting, like, 3 a week? Or atleast 3 where I'm, to some extent, trans. Like, even if I wasn't quite a girl yet, I had a dream that included picking up an estrogen prescription.

And all this, after 3 months, while deep closeted and unable to do anything about transitioning.

And, for my own sanity, I've had to find things to appreciate during this time. I can't spend the next year and a half avoiding acknowledging myself and what I look like. So I've atleast started to appreciate the little things. If I look closely at my eyes and ignore the rest of my face, I feel happy. idk, there's just something about my eyes in isolation that feel different to the rest of my face somehow, idk what it is but they feel more feminine, if that makes any sense.

And then there's my hair. Look, I have really short hair. Pretty average hair length for a guy. But my parents have been incredibly militant with keeping my hair very short for, well, as long as I can remember, until recently when my Dad abruptly asked if I wanted to grow it out (unbelievably convenient, he's transphobic and hss no idea about me. We take those I guess?)

But now, even the slightest bit longer hair feels great to me. Those little bits that grow down infront of your ears? Love it. Never had that be that long before. My hair ain't much, but its alot to me. And its only gonna get longer and longer, better and better.

And, look, this one sounds weird, but thighs. The way the fat squishes and flattens out when I sit down. I am a very skinny person, to the extent that my thighs are probably the fattest part of me relative to the body part. They aren't that thick, but relative to the rest of my body, it's enough to make me really happy. One time I was reading something about a lil deep-closet trick of wearing a long shirt and a shorter/ rolled up hoodie, and I kinda like it. Doing that, while sat down causing my thighs to squish slightly just looks so right.

(I was strongly debating whether to actually include this section. I doubt this would ever be the case, but just in case, don't be weird about it?)

I'm not gonna keep commenting on dysphoria increasing. I've kinda figured that's just par for the course. My general mood has decreased, I just don't feel good, but I'm not actually in that bad of a place mentally. I'm feeling optimistic, a solution to my problems is out there and I am gonna make it. It's already been a quarter of a year since cracking, that's no small amount of time relative to how long I have to wait. No matter how much I feel like shit about not being able to transition yet, it's better than when I didn't know what the problem was and thought I would just find myself ending it at some point. Now I know that isn't happening.

With each day, each little daydream, every time I imagine a scenario where I'm me, I get closer to actually being me. Physical is just a wait, but mental is a gradual process that is already well underway.

#personal logs #transfem #196 #transgender #lgbtq #lgbtqia