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three-step-shuffle · 2 years

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Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

I was born in Connecticut but my parents moved to Florida when I was 11 months old. I celebrated my first Christmas in a house next to the church that was later condemned due to black mold.

When I was four, I talked to a stranger in a park (his name was Maurice lol) and another kid told on me. I hid under the bed at my grandparents house when my mom came to pick me up because I was scared of her reaction.

When I was a kid, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and aunt. My grandparents would pick me up from preschool and when I was in elementary school I would ride the bus home to their house. My grandpa was my best friend growing up.

Family parties were a big thing when I was little. We’d have big gatherings for the fourth of July, Christmas and new years eve. I remember spending 4th of July hanging out with my cousin Joey in his room (a closet) because the power went out.

NYE 1999/2000 my mom let me have champagne and I wanted more. My mom wouldn’t let me have more (because I was 6) so I got my cousins to give me more.

Went to summer camp and was “friends” with a girl named Joy who would bully me into buying her snacks.

In December 2001, my mom and I went to New Jersey to see her family. On the first night we were there, we got a call from my dad telling us that my aunt had died suddenly. My grandpa was already showing signs of dementia and deteriorated rapidly after my aunt died.

My best friends in my neighborhood would always want to stay over at my house and I could never stay over at theirs because they were scared of their dad.

Sometime in elementary school, my neighbor who was a year younger than me (Jonathan) showed me his penis and said he’d hurt me if I told anyone. I cried when I told a priest at confession.

Anytime I slept over at Kate's house, her brother Jonathan would try to get in my sleep ind bag.

I was an altar server at a catholic church from third grade until 10th grade and even helped to train other altar servers.

My grandma in New Jersey died of a brain tumor in July of 2003. We went up for her funeral and to clean out her old house.

My grandpa died in August of 2003 after almost being removed from hospice for being there too long. I had the option to see him after he died, but I didn’t, and I regretted it for years.

In fifth grade they made us take DARE and swear never to do drugs. What I remember most about dare was sharing my goldfish pretzels with Seth.

Hurricane Charley happened the first week of 6th grade and we missed a few weeks of school. My mom made me go to work with her since we didn’t have power and she didn’t want to leave me home alone.

In sixth grade, we would spend all band class hanging out in the storage rooms goofing off instead of practicing.

Spent the first few weeks of summer hanging out with my friend Nicole. We'd spend a few days at my house, then a few days at her house, and go back and forth. Sometimes we would get into physical fights for fun.

The first time I remember hurting myself was in 7th grade science class. I don’t know why I did it, but I still have the scar on my hand.

In seventh grade, I paid to quit my competitive soccer team after weeks of getting no playing time and being treated like I wasn’t a part of the team.

In seventh and eight grade I was sexually harassed by a classmate, Alex. He’d feel me up when nobody else was around. He’d do this even when he had a girlfriend. Even when he was single, he’d do this, but would never show any actual interest in me.

In eight grade I realized I was an addict without ever touching a drug. We were talking about House at before school and I said that I’d probably wind up addicted to pills or something in the future.

Briefly dated Max in eighth grade. While we were dating, a rumor started that he “slammed me against the lockers in a sweaty rage,” which was completely untrue. We only kissed once.

In 8yh grade I was on an OM team doing the balsa wood problem. When we lost at state, my mom gave us champagne.

The summer after eighth grade I went to California with my cousins and wanted to sneak out of the beach house we were staying in so I could find a sharp shell to cut myself with.

My “best friend” would make me tell her who I had a crush on, and then would immediately be interested in the same person I was interested on.

In 9th grade, Alex finally showed an interest in dating me, but instead went out with my best friend because I couldn’t get a ride to see the Simpsons movie with him and his friends.

In 9th grade, I met Aaron and had my first encounter with people smoking weed (they were smoking in one of the storage rooms.

Dated Casey, who got mad at me for being curious about drugs and wanting to try them.

Dated Zach and went to homecoming with him.

Dated Zac even though I was more interested in Adam (who was dating my best friend)

When I was fifteen my mom encouraged me to drink cough medicine straight from the bottle because I was sick and couldn’t find the little cup thing. Anytime I was sick after that, I drank nyquil straight from the bottle.

At some point when I was 15 or 16, I made a concoction of vodka, rum, nyquil, robitussin with codeine, and fruit punch that I would drink when I couldn’t sleep. I called it “sleepy juice”.

When I was 16, I met up with Aaron after school and we smoked a blunt in the driveway of my parents house.

I would regularly skip jazz band with a group of people by sneaking into one of the storage rooms during class. Aaron would usually be violently high and get I to some kind of shenanigans like coloring my leg with sharpie or taking his pants off.

My best friend since elementary school stopped talking to me because I “lied about smoking weed” after she saw a survey I had posted on MySpace.

When I was 16 or 17, anytime I was drinking orange soda out of a taco bell cup, there was alcohol in it. I regularly drank during physics because it was my first class of the day. A few times, I smoked weed before going to school.

Brought alcohol to my ceramics final junior year.

Got shit faced the day before my APUSH test (by myself, instead of studying, all while texting my friend Gaige) and showed up for the test the next day still drunk. Left school after the test and had to clean vomit from the night before out of my carpet so my parents wouldn't find out.

I frequently lied about what I was doing after school to smoke weed. I’d tell my mom I was taking a nap or going to the park with people so she wouldn’t bother me and I could get high in peace.

Tried meeting up with Wade and Sean at the park to get weed and ended up breaking my phone. Had to lie to Danielle about why Wade and Sean were there and never even got the weed.

Was involved in kicking Angelina off of our Odyssey of the Mind team because she got high (on various pills) at competition, just like she did on the physics club trip to universal.

Tried to get Adam to hook up with me but he wouldn't because he had dated my “best friend”

Tried to get Aaron to sneak over to my house to get high and hook up.

Dated Allen and pushed him to do things sexually that he didn’t feel ready to do at the time. I wanted to have sex but he wanted to wait until he was 18.

Moved to Orlando to go to UCF. My roommates were super straight edge and into church and would always try to get me to go to their church groups with them.

Got invited to a party by this guy Kris from my speech class. When I showed up, it was like 6 people. We got drunk and high and then everyone disappeared and I was in his room with him. He wanted to have sex and I kept telling him no but he kept trying. I made an excuse and drove back to my dorm. He texted me when I got home and said that he was going to keep going even though I said no.

Hung out with this guy Dan from my western civ class but didn’t get high. He wanted to have sex, so we did. I never told him that it was my first time. We started hooking up regularly after that and whenever I’d go home for the weekend, I’d stop by his place to smoke and have sex before going back to my dorm.

Not long into college I started smoking weed multiple times a day every day. I’d wake up early before my 8:30 am class just so I could get high before class.

Became an active member of NORML@UCF and always went to the parties they had after meetings and got ridiculously high.

Started hanging out with the guys who lived across the hall from me and would regularly get drunk and go on adventures with them.

Hung out with Dan after class one day and decided to do shrooms. Dan kept making terrifying faces at me, so I refused to talk to him and didn’t talk until his roommate Andrew (who I had a crush on) came home.

One of the guys across the hall (Richard) had never smoked weed and said that he wouldn’t try it until he lost his virginity, so I drunkenly hooked up with him to get him to smoke weed for the first time.

Got pulled over going 85 in a 55 on the way home for winter break. Thought I was going to get arrested because my car smelled like weed ( I had hotboxed it before leaving) and I had weed sitting out but didn’t.

Got a handle of melon vodka and invited people to the nature trail to drink it with me. Wound up going back to Andrew’s apartment where we proceeded to get shit faced and hook up. I also drunk tweeted that night. The tweets have since been deleted.

Got a few tabs of acid and did a tab by myself in my dorm room. I made a tent out of my closet curtain and some textbooks, watched Alice in Wonderland, and painted with my hands.

Bought shrooms from a guy (Tim) in my 2D class and went over to this girl Alex’s apartment to eat them and make art. Alex got drunk and me and Tim had to hide her wine bottles and take care of her while tripping until her boyfriend came home.

Puked on a table and passed out in a Froggers. Refused to get in the car to leave because I didn't want to throw up in a BMW.

Beer bonged four loko by the pool at Carlos’s apartment on St. Patrick's day and texted my mom pictures of the pool rules because it said “do not use if you are ill with diarrhea”

Stopped being fwb with Andrew and started dating

Any time we would hang out with our friend Terry, we'd get barred out.

Worked at Universal at the Spider-Man ride. Got sexually harassed by a coworker and ate edibles during lunch.

Got dumped by Andrew three days before valentine's day. Got back together on valentine's day. He gave me a heart shaped nug and a one hitter I immediately dropped and broke.

Did coke for the first time at White Trash Bash (Dan's 21st birthday).

Did coke again and got too drunk on wine and refused to get in the car because I still needed to puke. Rode home with my head in a trash bag.

Terry and Dan’s apartment got robbed and Terry showed up at Andrew's with a suitcase full of drugs. We helped ourselves to the coke and ended up doing it all in one night. I woke up to Andrew telling me that all the coke was gone and freaked out.

Took Ritalin to get through finals. Tori taught me how to get around the time release. Took a Ritalin in the middle of my teaching SpEd final to get through the essays.

Came home for new years eve and went to a party with Becca, where I met Joey (it was his house) who was fresh out of jail.

Got dumped by Andrew 3 days before I turned 21 and started drinking and didn't stop.

Drank OE out of a wawa coffee cup during my tsol class on my 21st birthday so I didn't have to stop drinking. Went to hooters with Cameron and was late to my own party. Had a random drunk lady give me five dollars and tell me not to sleep with anyone unless it was a girl.

Went to a party the day after my birthday and hooked up with Wilson in Joey Kelly’s bed (he gave us permission). Drove home drunk when Kristin started puking in the grass. Tori gave me a few vyvanse 70s as a birthday gift.

Came home for the weekend and drank beer with Zac in the Walmart parking lot. Got to the st Andrew's fair right as it was ending and ran into Joey who invited us over. Zac drove us to a gas station to buy hookah coal and Joey stole us some shisha. Went to another gas station to buy cigarettes and Joey stole a trash can. Went back to Joey's and did shots of fireball and poured gasoline on the road and lit it on fire. Hooked up with Joey while Zac was waiting in the other room alone.

Got drunk with Josh B and lost my phone at the restaurant. When I realized I lost it, I freaked out and broke my computer.

Messaged a guy (Travis) saying “hey, wanna fuck?” And started hooking up with him. One night we shot potatoes into a lake and fucked in a park

Convinced my friend Ben K (who was friends with my ex) to start hooking up.

Started working at the zoo. Quit my first day when my manager scheduled me on a day I told her I couldn't work but got rehired when she quit a week later. Got Savannah a job at the zoo and would ride in to work together.

Bought beer for the high school kid who worked at the kona ice cart.

Started drinking with the guys at the Gat (Cameron and Josh B). Josh tried to convince me to take Cameron's virginity because he's a good guy and deserves to get laid. Shot fireworks into the drain pipes and played beer can baseball.

Traded Tori a copy of my ID for an eighth of weed.

Tried going to the pool with Savannah, Josh B, and Cameron but ended up going to the beach where we got extremely drunk. Me and Savannah flushed the guys on purpose. Got back to the apartment and hooked up with Josh.

Got in a fight with my roommate’s boyfriend and got a concussion. Went to Ben’s with Savannah after talking to the cops and sat on a stool in his shower drinking a beer as Savannah cleaned mulch out of my legs.

Couch surfed for three weeks and hooked up with Ben and Josh to have somewhere to stay.

Got harassed by the cops and accused of lying about the situation with my roommate's boyfriend.

Almost passed out at work and Savannah had to take me to the hospital.

Did acid while on hydrocodone and almost cried when I got lost in my minecraft world. Me and Savannah sat on Sade’s balcony and watched a\Adventure Time and painted each other’s backs with our hands. Only came inside when cops started showing up at her apartment complex in response to an armed robbery in the building next door.

Convinced hot guy from work (Dylan) to come over to Sade’s apartment to go swimming with me and Savannah and we both tried getting him to hook up with one or both of us (he wouldn’t).

Bitch roommate finally got evicted with less than a week left on the lease and we were able to go back to the apartment in time for Savannah to pack up and move out.

Let Savannah and Sade sleep on the couches during the gap weeks when nobody had anywhere else to stay.

Hooked up with Cody (random guy Sade had met online and hooked up with and told me to hook up with)

Started working at Airport Lanes

Hooked up with Matt (one of the guys who worked at the concession stand at the bowling alley).

Went back to my apartment with Matt and started drinking and smoking. Matt started ranting about how he’s God and the Devil and also an alien and how he thought Hitler did the right thing because he ended people’s suffering because existence is pain.

Wound up crying on the kitchen floor after Matt had to pull a knife out of my hands because I was trying to hurt myself with it.

Started dating Matt

Started doing coke more frequently. Matt’s cousin would frequently barge into Matt’s room and be like “wanna do some coke?” And we always said yes.

Did coke sitting in a diy car wash

Started abusing Matt’s vyvanse and took more of his prescription than he did. I would always ask him for some before or during work, and came to rely on it to get through work on Fridays and Saturdays when I was the only server for our two biggest leagues.

Matt convinced me to go to North Carolina with him to visit his friends who lived there. We each popped a vyvanse and chugged some red bull and he started driving (at like 10 pm). Once we were through Georgia and into South Carolina, we each smoked a joint. A little while later, Matt got off the highway at a random exit, almost crashed into a stop sign, drove through the intersection and into the bushes on the side of the road. He started grabbing at my face and laughing hysterically. When I finally got the car into park and managed to get him out of the car, he grabbed a razor blade from the center console, which I had to snatch from his hands. After a lot of screaming at him (and apologizing to the woman who pulled over to see if we needed help getting the car out of the bushes) I managed to get him into the passenger seat so we could get back on the road. When his psychotic episode finally died down, he got mad at me for taking the back roads and costing us time, even though it was his fault we wound up on some random small highway when he had his episode.

Got drunk and applied for a job as an educator at the Orlando Science Center and sent them an email about how much I wanted the job. Got an interview and stayed up all night the night before it doing coke with Matt. Had to take a vyvanse to stay awake and was almost late to the interview. Got offered the job.

Got belligerently drunk at the bowling alley the night before Thanksgiving and had to be escorted out by my manager, who also called the cops on me. Punched Matt in the face while he was trying to help me and almost got arrested. The cop told me “either you get in the passenger seat of your car and let him drive you home or you’re getting in the back of my car” and I got in my car and let Matt drive me back to my apartment. Ended up getting Fired from the bowling alley with only one day left until I was supposed to be done working there (I had already put in my two weeks after getting the job at the science center).

Worked weird hours doing offsite programming for the Orlando Science Center.

Drank while driving home form work on New Years Eve because I “had to start drinking early so I could go to sleep early” since I had to work the next day. Matt showed up, even though we were broken up at the time and drank all of my Fireball and crashed a party my neighbors were having.

Repeatedly broke up with Matt and got back together

Got repeatedly accused of cheating

Broke up with Matt

Hooked up with my ex Andrew because I was bored and he was down. Had to leave his place at like 7am because he needed to go to work and ended up in Savannah, Georgia because the vape store wasn’t open yet and neither was the Sanford Flea Market. Matt started texting me and got mad at me for driving to Georgia.

Got belligerently drunk at EPCOT. When I was leaving the park, I couldn’t find the tram stop (which is directly in front of the exit) and decided to walk to my car. Got lost trying to find my car and blacked out. Came to at home after driving 45 minutes home on multiple highways.

Hooked up with David after a party because I “wanted to fuck an 18 year old”

Worked at the zoo again and met Conner. We would go out drinking after work on a semi-regular basis and started hooking up.

Slept on the couches in the living room for months because the AC was broken and it was cooler in the living room and my room was disgusting.

Started dating Conner

Went to a work party at a bar and hotboxed someone's car. Me and Conner tried to convince Pierce the zip line guy to have a threesome with us.

Met up with Justin and ended up getting molly. Did molly in a Walmart bathroom at 4am whenI had to be at work at 9am.

Worked an event at work and got free food and beer. Had our manager steal beer for us and did molly off the counter at work.

Started getting high with Justin on a regular basis. Justin would drive to my place when he was supposed to be at work and I would drive us up to Sanford to go get coke. Pawned any jewelry I had to get money for coke.

Started doing coke or adderall on a daily basis. I’d do coke for a few days and when I was short on money, I’d buy some adderall or vyvanse.

Would regularly go to Publix and buy two six packs of beer. While Conner was at work, I’d drink a full six pack and two from the next six pack. I’d dispose of the first six pack before picking up Conner so it looked like I had only two beers instead of eight. I’d drink the rest of the six pack once Conner was home.

Tried to stop drinking and doing coke. Started drinking again when I ended up in Savannah, Georgia with Conner and his friend Connor (Conner told me it was okay for me to drink, so Connor bought us drinks). Ended up stopping for gas in Georgia and bought two 40s because they don’t sell 40s in Florida.

Went on a three day nonstop adderall binge because I wasn’t doing coke. Refused to leave my bedroom when Justin and Danielle were over because I “needed to keep working” on the homework I was doing but would just snort more adderall when they were all outside smoking.

Started going to the bar Woodstock on a regular basis. Got in for the first time as someone’s plus one and ended up buying coke from OB and doing it in my car with the guy who had gotten me in.

Would set up an art tent at events at Woodstock to attempt to sell art. I’d leave COnner to man the tent while I ran around looking for drugs so I could hide from him in the drug gazebo and get high without him knowing.

Cleaned my room while on coke. Every time Conner would go outside for a cigarette, I’d do another couple lines to keep myself going. Ended up finding a bag of molly that I had lost a year prior and invited Justin over to do it. Conner got mad because we wouldn’t share with him since he had to open at work in a few hours.

Went to UCF with COnner and the guinea pigs while they were doing inspections at my apartment. Conner got pulled over going 45 in a 25 and had a suspended license so I had to show my ID so I could drive. Had to dig out my wallet without the cop seeing the quarter of weed that was at the top of my purse. Panicked when the cops were taking forever to write the ticket because I thought they were calling for the dogs and I had a backpack full of paraphernalia and coke and weed in my purse. (They did NOT call for the dogs, the rookie just fucked up filling out the paperwork.)

Would regularly go to Woodstock alone while Conner was at work so I could get high without Conner knowing. One night I ended up doing coke and acid with OB and ended up finding out about the Pulse shooting while I was tripping.

Kent’s sister Jamie died of a heroin overdose and I choose to get high to honor her. Was going to come back to Cape Coral to go to her funeral but knew I couldn’t go that long without getting high and that I wouldn’t be able to hide my using from Conner if we were staying with my parents.

Wasn’t allowed to be alone with Justin because we were always sneaking around getting high together.

Justin cut me off from buying coke so I hit up Matt to cop. Met him in Altamonte Springs and drank car beers with him while waiting for his guy with the coke.

Drove around drinking on 4th of July when I was out of coke and almost got pulled over.

Set up three days in a row at Woodstock and made Conner bike to work. Traded two drawings of mushrooms for a capsule of molly on the second night and rolled during the Buku show. Convinced Matt to come on the third night to help me set up and to bring coke for me to do. Told him I would pay him in art but refused to give up the painting he wanted.

Convinced Conner to go to twisted Tuesday with me but he was being antisocial and playing Pokémon Go, so I took him to UCF to play Pokémon and went back to twisted. Ended up getting shitfaced off Dr. Pepper and captain and went with OB to try to get high. Ended up hooking up with OB on the way to his friends place. Got bitched out by Justin (who had picked up COnner from UCF when he wasn’t feeling well) for not being home at like 2am.

Broke up with Conner the next day and never told him about hooking up with OB. Called my mom crying about breaking up with Conner and she transferred me money so I could go do something to feel better. As soon as I had the money, I immediately hit up Matt so we could go cop. Ended up doing coke in the parking lot at the Center for Drug Free Living in Orlando.

Hit up OB and started hanging out with him. Did the rest of my coke and popped Xanax and drank with OB. Ended up meeting up with this girl Lauren and her friend Sterling and used the remainder of my money to get meth. Ended up shooting meth in Sterling’s laundry room. The next day, they wanted to do heroin, so I drove them to meet the guy and they paid me for the ride with a line of meth. Ended up shooting heroin for the first time (and not really feeling it because I had just snorted a line of meth) and had to do a second shot to feel anything.

Spent the next three days driving around with OB and Lauren, staying wherever we could for as long as we could, getting high on whatever we could (at one point Lauren stole a can of duster from Publix so we could get high while she waited for her dad to send her more money). Ended up getting high in the bathrooms at New Smyrna Beach at 4am and then going to a nature area to try to see alligators as the sun came up. Went to Publix and bought salad, donuts, and peach soda when we realized we hadn’t eaten for three days and went to the UCF nature trail to eat.

Got high at OB’s grandma’s house an had to drag him to the car after he passed out (we gave him a bunch of seroquel to knock him out when he started talking about wanting to kill himself)

Went with OB to Austin’s coffee and chain smoked while talking to a coke dealer (OB was on acid and stole my lighter and abandoned me).

Drank wine slushies with Lauren at the Sanford Mall when we went to get her bags from Sterling’s.

Kicked Conner out of my apartment so we had somewhere to get high and crash for the night.

Confronted by Conner about how he knew I had been using with Justin for months.

Let Lauren OB take my car to go cop “meth” while I was sleeping off the alcohol withdrawals. Found out that what they got wasn’t actually meth so they dumped it in the trash (I got mad because I would have done whatever research chemical it was anyway since I hadn’t gotten high in a few days). OB Freaked out about how we needed to stop doing drugs and deleted all of his plugs’ numbers from his phone.

Made fake molly with OB so we could go to twisted and make some money so we could get high. Ended up drinking a water bottle full of tequila, a water bottle full of vodka, and eventually a water bottle full of gin while holding the bag with the “molly” while OB ran around trying to sell it. OB decided to bring some girl home with us, so I found a random guy (John) to bring home. Ended up hooking up with John and going to the other side of Orlando to get coke and did it all on the ride back to my apartment.

Had to drive OB’s girl home and OB took 10 k-pins and then forgot that he took them. Cut my arm in the car (intentionally) to see if I could even feel anything at that point (I couldn’t)

Invited Matt over so he would share his drugs with me. OB got pissed when me and Matt split a 30 and did all off Matt’s coke without sharing with him.

Woke up to OB demanding my keys so he could go get dope. TOld him I didn’t trust him with my keys, but he wouldn’t let me go with him, so I let Lauren have the keys. Get a call from Lauren a couple of hours later saying that OB ditched her in a parking lot and took all the dope. Tried for hours to get OB to text back or answer my calls about where he was, but he never responded. At around midnight, me and Matt went to check out all of OB’s usual spots to try to find my car to steal it back. Get a call from OB’s mom that her son had been arrested and overdosed (my response was, “So where’s my car?”). Stopped at Wawa on the way home to get cigs and found the other people who had been in the car with OB (they were less than a block from my apartment when he got arrested)

Hung out with Matt and Lauren by the pool and passed out from doing duster. Upon waking up, I immediately wanted to hit it again.

Went with Scott, Lauren, and Matt to get coke and stopped to get more duster. Went back to my apartment and got high. Got bored sitting in my room so we went to the pool to drink beer and chill. A few minutes later, my parents and Conner show up and confront me, saying they know what I’ve been doing (Savannah called them and told them) and demanded that I come home with them.

Went to detox at Park Royal for 9 days after almost getting Baker Acted when I rolled up my sleeves. Woke up from a nap one day and Kent was there. Borrowed Kent’s visitors on visitation day. Met Alex.

Started PHP the day I was released from inpatient. Went to an NA meeting the first night after getting out of detox and met Phil and Jersey Mike. Ended up hooking up with Phil, who immediately told his sponsor (Jersey Mike) because they had a bet about who could sleep with me first. Phil took a video of us fucking and showed it to random guys at meetings (it was a terrible video and he dropped the phone halfway through, made me laugh)

Met Michael and hooked up with him in the parking lot of the boat ramp. He immediately called his sponsor (Jersey Mike) and we ended up over at Mike’s house. Had a threesome with Michael and Jersey Mike in the shower. Had sex with Mike again when Michael left because his girlfriend was calling him.

Went to steak and shake with Alex after a meeting and Ended up at Jersey Mike’s house again. Had a threesome with Alex and Jersey Mike. Another day, me and Alex were hanging out and ended up at Phil’s house, where we had a threesome with Phil.

Switched from PHP to IOP. Skipped IOP one Friday, lied to my mom about going to a meeting, and met up with MIchael to smoke crack. Knew we didn’t have IOP Monday, so I should have been able to get away with using, but owned up to it during group and still managed to graduate from IOP a little over a week later.

Met Ash for the first time at Peace day in the park and stated hanging out with him. Ended up sleeping with him at his hallway house while his roommate was gone for the day. Kept hurting myself and wanting to use, and eventually convinced Ash that we should get high together. Told my mom I was meeting people at the mall for dinner and then going to a meeting so she transferred me money and me and Ash copped dope in a McDonald’s Parking lot. Shot dope in the Publix parking lot and then went and sat under the bridge at Centennial Park and did the rest of the dope. Ash got a call from his house manager that he had a house meeting so I drove him to his halfway house. Ended up nodding out in the car reading an article about Harambe (RIP) while everyone was in the house meeting. Met up with Ash and his roommate the next day and picked up random people from the side of the road who said they knew where to get meth. Drove out to the wood in NFM and copped some meth. Dropped Ash and his roommate at Publix while I went and ate dinner with my parents. Lied about going to a meeting and went and shot meth in the yacht club parking lot. Dropped the guys back at their halfway house and went to Late Night (lol). Found the remainder of the meth in my car and learned to hit myself because I wanted to get high and there wasn’t enough left to snort it. Stayed up all night before going to Solomon’s Castle with my parents (ughhhhh). Found out the next day that Ash was on a bus back to Tennessee.

Lied to my psychiatrist about staying clean since I had relapsed on crack and he prescribed me Vyvanse. Went to meetings on a regular basis.

Matt got kicked out of his halfway house so I convinced him to come visit for a few days. Met up with him after a meeting at the Casa Loma Motel and snorted a bunch of coke. He commented on how I looked miserable the whole time. Decided to shoot some coke since I had a rig with me. Rig clogged on my second shot and I gave up trying to do it after an hour and a look around at the situation I was once again in.

Got a job as a paraprofessional at Mariner Middle School when I had about 30 days clean. Went to Naples with Brandi (sponsor) and bought a ridiculous shirt at a goodwill (I still have that shirt).

Met Mike at a meeting and started dating him. Decided one night that we wanted to go to dinner instead of a meeting (we were going to go to the Edison Parade but it was raining) and ended up wrecking my car. Still went out to eat after my mom took us both to the hospital to get checked out. When Mike broke up with me, I immediately met up with Ron and we hooked up as I was still getting messages from Mike about the breakup.

Met Devon at a meeting and talked to him until he missed his ride home. Ended up hooking up with him once.

Dave died and I stepped up my involvement in Area and my home group.

Hooked up with Jaxon outside of a church (multiple times). Told him that we couldn’t keep hooking up because I needed to focus on my recovery.

Met Cole at a meeting and spent a long time talking to him while the White Sands houses played volleyball. Started dating Cole. Cole was really fucked up over the death of his brother and was always on the verge of relapsing.

Cole lied about visiting his grandpa to get an overnight from halfway and went with me to Orlando to pick up my cap and gown for graduation. Went to a meeting in Sanford where Cole ran into someone he had once gone to treatment with and I picked up a nine month keytag. Ended up driving around for hours talking before going back to the hotel and sleeping together. After the fact, he told me it was his first time.

Went to Orlando with my parents a week later for graduation.

Cole was on the verge of relapsing and I knew that if he used, I’d use, and we’d both end up dead. To save myself, I ended the relationship saying “I’m just too crazy for a relationship right now.” Cole relapsed.

Went to SFRCNA in Port Charlotte and bonded with Brandi during a meeting. Had to sneak off to the bathroom throughout the convention so I could take my meds (I was on 70mg and 10mg adderall twice a day). Brandi called me late one night when I was driving home from the convention because she had a nightmare and knew I’d be up.

Stayed in the penthouse at Cape Harbour for hurricane Irma. Hung out with my dad in a parking garage during the storm so we could watch the rain and smoke/vape. Went home after the storm and had no power. Went to more meetings than usual to be in the air conditioning. Also got cock blocked by the hurricane.

Hooked up with Matt S after a meeting. Was going to hook up with him a second time but cock blocked myself by going to Chipotle with people after a meeting instead.

Hooked up with Kyle M in the yacht club parking lot.

Became really good friends with Jeff S after texting him late one night asking how to meditate.

Decided that I shouldn’t be on vyvanse (because I was on wayyyy too high a dosage) and started to taper off of it. Alway got mildly suicidal around day three after dropping my dosage. Started by stopping the adderall.

Celebrated 1 year at the Keeping it Clean home group. Brandi was out of town for work, so Jeff gave me my medallion.

Found out Cole died from Sam while waiting in line at 7-11. When I called Brandi, she hung up on me because she was more concerned about getting tickets for Star Wars (which we were going to see after the meeting that night).

Talked to my psychiatrist about getting off of vyvanse and he lowered my dosage but told me that he didn’t think it was a good idea for me to go off it completely. Tried to get completely off it anyway. After being off it for about a month, I almost met up with Tyler to do meth, but didn’t and went back on vyvanse.

Broke down at a meeting about how I wanted to get high and didn’t know what to do. After the meeting, Jeff broke up with me, saying he was “just too crazy for a relationship right now.”

Hooked up with Jeff W after a meeting (daddy issues much?)

Worked for David L cleaning up job sites, assembling furniture, and handling his office work. Interviewed for a teaching position at Island Coast High School and got a call later that day that I had gotten the job.

Met up with Cole’s friend Chris to pick up the memorial plaque he had gotten and ended up hooking up in a parking lot in downtown Fort Myers.

Had Kyle W speak for me at triage and ended up hooking up with him a week later while parked in front of his halfway house.

Met Ben at a meeting and started hanging out and hooking up. Almost got arrested when a park ranger rolled up on us when we were hooking up in the parking lot of the boat ramp.

Hooked up with Dylan while I was still talking to Ben and fucked things up. Broke off contact with Dylan when he said he had feelings for me and continued hooking up with Ben.

Met Marshall at a meeting and started hanging out with him (even though I knew who he was and had been warned about him). Went to the beach for an event and hung out with Marshall. Started spending time with Marshall on a regular basis. Marshall repeatedly relapsed and every single time, his mom would start messaging me, expecting me to find him, which I always managed to do.

Went to GCCNA in Weston and got a message from Marshall saying he only wanted to be friends. Still continued to play captain save a bro.

Went to FRCNA in Tampa and shared a room with Taylor. Ended up hooking up with Taylor and contemplating suicide. Dealt with texts from Marshall’s mom trying to locate him again. Met a serenity keeper named Daniel and hooked up with him before the main meeting the next night while Taylor was out with a friend. After the meeting, I started talking to Jeremy in the smoking area and we decided to go back up to my room (since Taylor was still gone) to hook up. After Taylor left to drive home the next morning, I was sitting in the smoking area and started talking to this guy Mike. For some reason, we decided to go back up to my room and hook up before I headed home.

Drove around looking for Marshall because his mom had lost him on a run once again. Drove by an extended stay and had this weird feeling that that’s where he was. Got a call from Marshall in a panic the next morning asking me to come to said extended stay to come get him. Rescued Marshall from the extended stay and dropped him off somewhere in Suncoast.

Started talking to Josh at meetings, even though he had a girlfriend. Had him speak for me at triage right when he had 6 months clean. Josh broke up with his girlfriend and we started dating. Got a job at Oasis Middle School. Went to the Kesha and Macklemore concert in Tampa with Brandi even though I had work the next day. Josh helped me set up my classroom. Started hanging out with Josh at his halfway house and even paid the rent he was behind on so that his curfew would be extended and we could keep hanging out.

Switched from vyvanse to adderall because it was cheaper. Also got prescribed klonopin.

Went to WCNA in Orlando. Stayed at some resort in Davenport and would park at Icon Park and walk a mile to the convention. Got glared at by Josh’s ex during the clean time countdown. Josh moved into 3/4way house and I spent the night every weekend.

Celebrated 2 years clean at the Keeping it Clean homegroup. Brandi gave me my medallion.

Got an apartment with Josh, his roommate from halfway (Tyler) and one of his housemates (Bama). Tyler had his own room, but Bama slept on an air mattress in the living room. We changed home groups (Hot Topic) and Josh celebrated one year clean. Bama relapsed on meth and we couldn’t get him to move out of our living room, so we tracked down his warrant from Alabama and Tyler called it in. When we searched the stuff Bama had left behind, we found beer, liquor, and meth.

Was coerced into co-signing on a new car for Josh.

Josh got mad at me for messaging Jaime late one night when I was having really bad thoughts of using. I told him that I didn’t want to share those feelings with him because what would happen if we were both having those thoughts at the same time?

Became increasingly stressed at work and started having really bad anxiety. The klonopin wasn’t helping (it was a really low dose once a day) so I decided to take some of Josh’s Xanax. (I painted my ceiling tile that’s hanging in the clubhouse while barred out). About a week later, Josh looked at me and said “I really want to shoot some coke right now” and I said “that sounds like a great idea” so we did. Josh got ridiculously paranoid and screwed all the doors and windows shut because he thought the cops were coming. Managed to get the door open and went to area where I gave up both of our H&I commitments and told Brandi that I had relapsed.

Picked up a white keytag and decided that I needed a new sponsor (Mary). When I had 11 days clean, Josh confessed that he had gotten high again (without me), so I got mad and met up with Marshall to go cop and ended up shooting dope. A few weeks later, we tried to get clean again. Josh went to detox and I stayed home to taper myself off on subs on my own. Decided that I wanted to go to ECCNA at FGCU and went for one day on my own (with no clean time). Josh AMA’d from detox the next day and we went together the next day and got in a huge fight before the main meeting and left to go get high together.

We kept using and Josh (who had gotten fired from his job) tried to start his own business. Spent Fourth of July helping him redrywall a garage ceiling. Got a guy that Josh met in detox to help with the work and got a new dope connect (our usual guy never showed up that night)

Overdosed for the first time on July 8th 2019. Texted Mary about how I was done and wanted to get clean, but kept using anyway. I would occasionally try to get off dope by doing subs and going to meetings, but it never worked.

Was low on money and dope, so I’d ask my mom for money for bills only to spend it all on dope.

Josh’s friend Ashlyn moved in with us and we all hooked up. Ashlyn moved out a few days later because she was starting to have feelings for Josh.

Got a Job at Varsity Lakes Middle School while I was still using. Would get high under my desk before school, during lunch, and during my planning period. Started getting physically sick from stress at work and ended up quitting (it was suggested that I resign at the end of the first semester because my evaluations weren’t good)

Went to detox on December 31st 2019. Made friends with Garrett and Zach and spent a lot of time talking to Zach. Garrett tried to convince me to hook up with him when they left the bathroom unlocked, but I turned him down. Made plans with Zach to go to a meeting the night we got out. Josh got mad at me for talking to Zach (because I was talking about possibly breaking up with Josh so I had a better chance of staying clean) and accused me of “emotionally cheating” on him. Relapsed again after going to a meeting that night.

Got my insurance license (after giving myself cotton fever before the licensing exam) and started working at First Family Insurance. WOuld get high in the bathroom during lunch and would have to take my adderall (which I had stopped taking) just to keep from falling asleep at my desk. Covid happened, and we started working from home. I was high constantly. I would shoot up while on the phone making calls for work and during my lunch break. I would occasionally nod out while leaving messages for people and I was struggling to make sales (because I’m not good at sales and I was too fucking high all the time) and got fired and went on unemployment. Josh wanted to get unemployment but was technically self employed, so we lied on his forms so that he could also get unemployment money to help pay for dope (even though we were selling dope by that point)

Started selling dope to Andrew. Usually he didn’t have any money, so we’d wind up with a Wii or a new smart TV. When Andrew actually had money, Josh would make me do the hand off because he was paranoid about the cops watching him (they were)

Started letting Josh hook up with people when they wanted dope and didn’t have money. Usually it was just Ashlyn.

Fought with Josh (a lot) over literally everything. Josh got mad at me and told me I was “ruining his life” when I was helping him to fill out his forms for his medical card because we hadn’t yet received an email that we needed to finish filling out the forms.

Josh stopped just giving me dope like he had been doing and made me start paying for my own dope (even though I was still managing to pay all of the bill and make sure we had food). When I had money, I’d spend it all on dope. When I didn’t I’d use my mom’s credit card to buy cartons of cigarettes which he’d trade me a couple of bags for or I’d use her card to fill up his truck with gas.

Used my mom’s credit card to pay the overdue water bill and get our water turned back on (again).

Josh started hooking up with Amanda because he was initially trying to scam her out of money (because bitch is RICH RICH) but then tried to coerce me into haveing a polyamorous relationship with him and Amanda.

Used my mom’s credit card to buy Josh a gold chain that he wanted so he’d give me a couple of bags. Went back home and got in a huge fight and decided that I was done with Josh and with dope and called my mom and told her I was coming home and needed to go to detox again. Went back to the apartment the next day to grab clothes for detox and to get high one last time (traded a carton of cigs for three bags and did all of them at once even though he told me not to). Went to detox at Park Royal and convinced my psychiatrist there to let me skip a day of the subs taper so I could leave a day sooner.

Wanted to get high after a meeting so I went and hooked up with Zach instead. He told me that seeing how crazy I was in detox had been keeping him clean (he had six months at that point).

Managed to fill a script for adderall that I shouldn’t have been able to fill and started taking it again at my prescribed dosage (which was. Way too high after not having taken it for months) and didn’t sleep for a few days.

Drove around screaming at children and watching fireworks on the Fourth of July.

Decided that I wanted to get high, so I lied about going to a meeting and hit up Kevin and we went and copped. Went back to my old apartment to get high because there were fresh rigs there and because I knew Josh wasn’t there (I could still track his phone). Tried to do a bag and woke up on the floor with the contents of my purse spread around me. Kevin told me that I wasn’t breathing and that he did the sternum rub and it didn’t work and that he almost had to narcan me. Told him that slapping me usually worked when I wasn’t breathing (woke up many times to Josh slapping me in the face because I had nodded out and stopped breathing). Snorted some adderall so I was alert enough to drive Kevin home.

Lied about going to a meeting again the next day and met up with Phil. Copped more dope and got high with him (without overdosing).

July 8th 2020: Got high before cleaning out my car to take it to the shop. Went to take a shower after cleaning it and decided to get high first. Woke up to a cop standing in my bathroom doorway. Apparently my parents had been knocking on the door and I wasn’t answering, so they popped the lock and found me not breathing and called 911. Before I would let the EMTs take me to the hospital, I made the cop follow me to my room so I could give him my dope because I knew that I’d just do it when I got out of the hospital.

Checked into White Sands the same day I overdosed. Made it through detox fine and then had some kind of mental breakdown and started scratching my skin until I would bleed using various objects. I wasn’t allowed to have in my possession: plastic silverware, paper clips, soda can tabs, pencils with erasers, pen caps, or thumb tacks.

Got a message from Zach while in WS saying that he was making really bad decisions. I called him and he tried to convince me to sneak out to go shoot dope with him. Asked him the next day “So how did your bad choices work out for you?” And never got a response because he had overdosed and died in the waiting room at SalusCare detox.

Got out of White Sands and moved into their sober living apartments. Roommate accused me of stealing her meds (who tf steals Kepra?) and got moved to a different room.

Hooked up with Nick. Started hanging out with Marshall again and thought he overdosed in the bathroom at his work and called Nick freaking out about what to do. Stopped hanging out with Marshall and started dating Nick.

Moved out of sober living and back in with my parents. Spent all of my weekends at Nick’s place. Changed sponsors.

Got a job at SatCom Marketing with Patrick and Sean and started throwing up from anxiety (I hate making phone calls and was working at a call center, like wtf) and found out that Ben overdosed and died. Got a job working at Caloosa Middle School as a paraprofessional. Found out that I wasn’t;t getting renewed due to the budget (of course) but was offered a position as a math intervention teacher. Got my teaching certification reinstated.

Celebrated one year clean at the Not Quite There Yet homegroup.

Started teaching at Caloosa Middle and got covid within a month of school starting. Moved in with Nick while I was out of work with covid.

Started having panic attacks at work. During one panic attack I was asked “so you want to hurt yourself?” And said “yes but I can normally stop myself from doing it” and ended up getting baker acted. Spent a week at Park Royal and was out of work for over a month until I was cleared to return to work. Went back to work but continued to have panic attacks after almost getting hit by a student. Was given the option of stepping down from my teaching position to go back to being a paraprofessional and took it. Continued to have panic attacks at work.

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