#It's been a while since a proper journal entry with experiences and musings huh?

[wanderingandfound]

So, I’m taking a three-class Python course at a local nonprofit and today was the second one and I was kinda wistfully thinking about what if I had all my shit together, my illnesses diagnosed AND properly treated, before I went to college the first time. How much easier would things have been? (Even though logically I know that part of the reason this class is making so much sense is because of my prior classes in Java and R, even if it feels like I retained nothing from them) and that it’s been three weeks instead of eighteen hours between one class and the next so I had already looked ahead at some of the concepts we covered today while I had been practicing.)

Anyways so I turn the page in my planner to take more notes -- and this planner is largely filled with cheesy quotes from women that I largely ignore because I like this planner for its weekly layout rather than its portrayal of a womanhood I don’t connect with -- and I see “It is never too late to be what you might have been.” attributed to George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans) (and yes I did check that it was a masculine penname and that they weren’t misgendering and deadnaming someone because I am not an English major and I did not know).

So. I immediately feel both called out and comforted.

And then the Night Vale episode I listen to as I walk home and make lunch ends like this:

Listeners, maybe at some point Nick wanted to be something other than he was, but that doesn’t mean he is beholden to that dream he once had. It’s okay for him to be all right with who he is now. Acceptance is not failure. Sometimes acceptance is just acceptance.

Of course, one must always be open to new dreams, and new ambition. And if, at some point, Nick decides that he no longer wants to be an A.P. auto shop teacher, or if he decides he wants to alter history so he will never have even come here…then that, too, will be okay.

Stay tuned next for an unexpected gain in cabin pressure. No mask will help you. We weren’t prepared for things to go this way.

And goodnight, Night Vale. Goodnight.

It’s okay that I am where I am. It’s okay that I prepared for some things that didn’t happen, and didn’t prepare for other things that did. I am in a safe and happy spot at the moment, it’s alright that my trajectory to get here wasn’t perfect or even all that advisable. What matters is that I am good and safe and stable, and so my next steps don’t have to be taken in the echoes of my previous plans or the footprints of my previous realities.

#We don't get to start anew but also I am in the perfect position for a fresh start. #And even if I wasn't #even if I was a ship on course to a destination I no longer wanted to go to #I could still steer towards something better. #Sorry for the tortured metaphors. #personal #learning to function #My Real Life Invading the Internet #It's been a while since a proper journal entry with experiences and musings huh?