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King Falls AM - Episode Three: Catch And Release

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Summary: June 1, 2015 - Sammy & Ben are live at Lake Hatchenhaw for the 55th Annual King Falls Bass Tournament with special guest Mayor Grisham.

[Podcast intro music]

[Banjo music]

Randy McMullet [heavy southern accent] Howdy y’all! It’s Randy McMullet from McMullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots and I’m here to tell you we got some slithery savings this weekend! So much savings you’ll have a hissy fit! We’re not holdin’ anything back ‘cause it’s that time of year again! It’s our annual Snake Skin Blowout! I’m talkin’ ‘bout rattlesnake, copperhead, viper, black mamba, and boa constrictor. We got big snake boots at baby snake prices! Ya better hurry though before our inventory is extinct! So come on down to McMullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots! We’ll be there from sun up to sun down this Saturday and Sunday at the corner of Route 72 and ol’ Bombin’ Range Road! McMullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots! Where we fill your boots, with savin’s!

[Banjo music fades out]

[KFAM rock intro music]

Sammy Good morning! You’re listening to King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the radio dial. It’s twelve minutes to six and a beautiful 67 degrees out here at Lake Hatchenhaw.

Ben We are mere minutes away from the starter pistol going off signaling the beginning of the 55th annual King Falls Bass Tournament.

Sammy Ben! I couldn’t have said that better myself, you’re a natural!

Ben [“aw shucks”] Whatever, Sammy.

Sammy But you heard it, kids! The tournament’s about to get under way, but the festivities will be happening all day today. Be sure to swing on by the King Falls AM booth, pick up a bumper sticker, say hi to your favorite personalities, that sort of thing.

Ben And, of course, don’t forget to tweet us your pics today @KingFallsAM or Instagram us with the hashtag kingfalls, and we will repost those bad boys.

Sammy Absolutely, Ben. But just because this show is winding down, doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep on you! We’ve got a guest!

Ben We’re here with Ron Begley, of Begley’s Bait and Tackle. Sponsor of today’s outing.

[note: Ron’s voice can generally be described as “gruff”, any descriptors in transcription are more-so]

Ron [gruffly] Watch it, Ben. Outing is a big word. This is a gathering.

Sammy Hey, nice to meet ya, Ron!

Ron [sweetly] Nice meetin’ you too, Sammy! And always good to see you, Ben.

Sammy Now, Ron. For all the listeners on the fence about making their way down to the Tourney today, what would you tell ‘em to change their minds?

Ron Ah hell, if they aren’t here now, they ain’t coming.

Ben Metaphorically though—

Ron [harshly] Don’t use ten dollar words when a five dollar word will suffice, Ben. If the lazy bastards aren’t up an’ at em and waiting on Mayor Grisham to fire that pistol, then there ain’t no convincing them otherwise.

Sammy Well, you know what- We’ve got quite the turn out here it seems, so uh, maybe everybody made it down?

Ron [aggressively] I’ll give you fifty damn bucks if you show me Shell Snyder’s fat ass at this lake right now!

Ben Uhhh, I’m sure-

Ron I saw that lazy son of a bitch at the town hidey-hole last night, and I know he hasn’t drug his carcass outta bed.

Sammy Hidey-hole?

Ben Don’t ask.

Ron You want something that’ll put some asses in the seats? I’ll give you somethin’ and this one’s for free. Today we got the fishing tournament, we got the bouncy house for the kiddies, we got that weird food truck that nobody ever eats at but it still shows up to all the King Falls events,

Ben Aaand?

Ron [teasing] And you know where I’m going, Ben. And just last week out by the sunken pontoon boats… We had a sighting!

Ben By the BOATS? That is so close.

Sammy Alright guys. You got me. What did we see?

Ben Sammy—

Ron Why, the Lake Hatchenhaw monster, Sammy!

Sammy Monster.

Ron Why the hell didn’t you Wikipedia-Google-book this town before you moved your sweet ass to it?! Everybody in creation knows about the Lake Hatchenhaw monster!

Sammy Alright, *chuckles* I’m sorry. Uhhh, I don’t mean to be rude, Ron, but you’re talking about your own version of the Loch—

Ron Don’t. Say it. Don’t even think it! That fake sh[bleep]show of a lake monster has nothin’ on Kingsie.

Ben You’ll have to pardon Sammy. He doesn’t believe in the extra-ordinary.

Ron [softly for Ron] What a sad life you must live, Samuel.

Ben So, Ron. This will be the fifth sighting this year, is that correct?

Ron [happy/proud] Fifth this year! She’s been a busy one. Since I took over this shop from my dad, I don’t know that we ever got Kingsie more than twice a year.

Sammy Well, ya heard it here ladies and gents. Uh, If tournament, the bouncy house, and the weird food truck don’t get you down— Kingsie will.

Ron That’s the spirit!

Sammy *chuckles* Okay, about the tournament, Ron. What exactly is on the line here? Wha-Whats the prize today?

Ron Same as every year, Sammy! Brand new bass boat with all the fixin’s and a 500 dollar check from the King Falls Chamber of Commerce.

Sammy That is a hell of a prize! I might just put the mic down and have a go myself, guys!

Ron More than welcome! [gruffly] But you better bring Ben along so you don’t end up as a “fictional lake monster”’s din-din.

Ben *sighs* I’d love to be out on that lake today! Nothing like it!

Sammy Ron Begley, everyone. Uh, Ron, thanks for dropping by and adding some color to the end of our broadcast today!

Ron [quiet and angry] Is that a gay joke, Sammy?

Sammy Uh, I-I’m sorry, what?

Ben Ron, not. At all.

Ron [threateningly] I’m not going to come on this show, and have you talkin’ trash. I’m the only soul brave enough in this town to own my identity and I’m not going to take any flack about it—

Sammy Ron. Ron. No harm was intended. I-I didn’t even know.

Ron [angry, almost shouting] Well now you do so watch your mouth! I like f[bleep]in’ and I like fightin’ and I’m completely sure you don’t want any part of either!

Sammy I-I Ron. *nervous laugh* I mean—

Ron [pleasantly] I’m just jerkin’ your chain, Sammy! Keep up the good work, guys!

Ben *Laughing loudly* Oh, you should see your face!

Sammy Thanks, Ben. Uh—

Some Guy *Slurred* Heyy Ben! What up duuude?

Ben Heyy, uh, Matt! Uhhh. We’re-we’re kinda live here, buddy.

Matt Riiight on! … maintain brah…

Ben Sorry.

Sammy Oh, no worries, bro.

Ben Uh, uh- alright folks! You’ll never believe who we’ve got heading this way! The man of the hour, the man with all the power… Mayor Grisham.

Sammy Mayor Grisham. Thanks so much for taking some time out to talk with us today!

Mayor Grisham Oh, I’ve been wanting to! Believe me. But you boys are on so darn early! I just can’t drag myself out of the bed.

Sammy Understandable.

Mayor Grisham However, my assistant, Riley, transcribes every show for me. Seems like you’re doing a great job. The both of you.

Ben Oh! Thanks so much, Mayor Grisham!

Mayor Grisham You got it, Ben! Hey, how’s your mom doing these days?

Ben Great! She’ll be thrilled that you mentioned her!

Mayor Grisham Least I can do.

Sammy Now, Mayor Grisham, you’re joining us today because in just a few short minutes we’re gonna be kicking off the 55th annual King Falls Bass Tournament—

Mayor Grisham Absolutely! It’s one of the perks of the job that makes it all worthwhile. I mean, who could turn down a beautiful morning on the lake, with all the people of King Falls?

Sammy So, do you ever partake in the tournament yourself?

Mayor Grisham *chuckles* I wouldn’t want to put the King Falls residents to shame! I’m quite an avid outdoorsman.

Sammy Well, it’s nice of you to give everybody a sporting chance.

Mayor Grisham Oh yeah.

Sammy Now, before we let you go- and believe me I hate to break down the mood —

Mayor Grisham Then don’t.

Sammy Oh, *chuckles nervously* well I-I was just gonna ask if you had heard any recent news regarding…

Mayor Grisham Sammy. Another time and another place.

Sammy Well, Mayor Grisham. [floundering] We here, we—

Mayor Grisham That’s all at this time. Thanks for having me. Have your people call Riley and we’ll schedule something soon, Sam.

Sammy [confused and irritated] Heh… Okaay?

Ben What is he- he- can’t- we’re supposed to be here for another three minutes, Sammy.

Sammy *unamused laugh* It’s fine, Ben, uh- it’s not your fault.

Ben Well, no. You ran him off, *scoffs* [growing frantic] buuut he was supposed to stay with us until we went live! with the opening ceremonies!

Sammy Hey, hey. It’s okay.

Ben [worked up] I’m going to fix this. Uh- I got it!

Sammy Ben-Be- Well. That was Ben just leaving in a full sprint, kids. Uh, seems it’s just you and me now, uh, and the mayor’s assistant, recording our every word.

Voice in distance Shotgun Sammy!

Sammy *groans* Okay, so we’re about four minutes away from the top of the hour, and the tournament getting started. Uh, we’d like to wish all the participants today the best of luck, break legs, uh, you know catch fish, wh-what have you. Uh, watch out for Kingsie, obviousl—

Ben I got it! I got it! I’m back!

Sammy Oh, Ben’s back ladies and gents! And he has a friend!

Ben Sammy, King Falls, this is Mr. Herschel Baumgartner. Winner of last year’s tournament! How you doing today, Mr. Baumgartner?

Herschel Good, Benny. Real good. Just ready to get my spot and giveitago this year. Uh, you know it’s about to start, right boys?

Sammy So, Herschel, you won the actual tournament last year, is that correct?

Herschel Oh, you bet I did! Won it back in ‘92, and ‘89 as well. But don’t go askin’ for tips now, son. Now if you excuse me—

Sammy Oh wow! So you are a three time winner of the King Falls Bass Tournament lookin’ for big number four this morning!

Herschel [sarcastic] Huh, Big City can count. We’re T-minus three minutes here, boys. If you don’t have anything pressing…

Ben Uh, for the listeners, Mr. Baumgartner, wha-what would you say is, is, is, the-the most important part—

Herschel [suspiciously] Who put you up to this? Was it Cecil? [grumbling] Amateur, usurpin’ so-and-so-

Ben No! We-we just needed to fill some time.*nervous laugh*

Herschel You’re going to pull me out of my boat to fill time? You are a DUMB son of a b[bleep]!

Sammy [warning] Hey now!

Herschel Don’t you dad-voice me, son. I’ll put a boot rrright up your ass, just like I did those Krauts[1] back in WWII! [said “dubya-dubya two”]

Sammy [harshly] You know what? Great talking to you Herschel.

Herschel [grumbling] New-fangled radio bums, looking for a hand-out. I ain’t givin’ ya no tips! No spots, no tricks o’ the trade! How I flick my wrist [fades out as he walks away]

[woman screams in bg]

Ben Was… that a scream?

Sammy [laughing dismissively] I’m sure it was just someone seeing Mr. Baumgartner’s lovely personality.

Ben I think something might be up, Sammy. Seriously.

Sammy Uh, ladies and gentlemen, as always, we thank you for tuning in with us here at King Falls AM. We’re about to go live with the opening ceremonies at the 55th annual-

[another, longer scream. Someone in the bg yells “There’s a body in the lake!” followed by sounds of an agitated crowd and a lot of people screaming]

Sammy Folks, stay with us! It seems that a body has just surfaced here at Lake Hatchenhaw! Come on, Ben!

Ben [incredulously] We’re going there?

Sammy Cronkite. Brokaw. Ben Arnold.

Ben *huffs* Right.

[Deputy Troy yells incomprehensibly through a megaphone.]

Ben-at-a-distance Tweet us!

[screaming continues]

Sammy Alright, we’re on the dock. [aside] if we could just push past— There’s the mayor! Right there!

Deputy Troy [through a megaphone] Everybody please stay calm!

Ben [quiet,worried] What if it’s Tim?

Sammy Mayor Grisham! Can you confirm that there is a body here—

Deputy Troy [still through the megaphone] Sorry boys. I don’t want to, but the Mayor’s going to cut—

[audio cuts to static]

[KFAM outtro]

[CREDITS]

References

[1] Kraut - a derogatory term for a German, especially a German soldier, during WWI and WWII

#King Falls AM #King Falls #KFAM #sammy stevens #ben arnold #KFAM transcripts #KFAM ep3 #Ron Begley #troy krieghauser #mayor grisham #herschel baumgartner

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