King Falls AM - Episode Thirteen: Crop Circle Jerk
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Summary: November 1, 2015 - An emergency at Libbydale Farms has Deputy Troy and King Falls AM on high alert. Mysterious lights? Check. Crop Circles? Check. Intergalactic Gang War? Stay tuned to 660 on the AM Dial to find out.
[podcast intro music]
[S&B show intro]
Ben
Good evening! Youâre listening to King Falls AM â thatâs 660 on the radio dial.
Sammy
Folks, we are jumping right into it tonight. We got Deputy Troy on the line, live from Libbydale Farms. Hey, Troy, can you hear us alright?
Troy
Loud and clear, Sammy. Heard you real fine, too, Ben.
Ben
[muttered] Suck an egg.
Sammy
Okay. So, Troy. Tell the listeners what you just told us right before we went on air.
Troy
Ladies and gents, in all my yearsâ and I mean all of âemâ I ainât never seen anything like this! Not even comparatively close to what Iâm lookinâ at right this instant. [faint sounds of police radio in bg]
Ben
POINT. GET TO IT.
Troy
Gosh darnit, Ben. Iâm trying to sell the magnitude of what Iâm feastinâ my eyes on!
Ben
Who even knew you could see Libbydale Farms from so far out in the Kiss Ass Sea aboard the SS Backstabber.
Troy
You know G-D well Iâm not on a ship nor would it be called the SS Backstabber if I were. Donât be so damn sore, Ben! Everybody knows Iâm sorry! Plus- [kinda shyly] I reckon my ship be called the- USS Super Badass.
Sammy
*pointedly clears throat* Troy. Ben. Letâs put our differences aside and letâs get to the matter at hand. So, Troy, youâre live atâ?
Ben & Troy
Libbydale FarmsâŠ
Troy & Ben
Iâm trying to talk!
Sammy
GUYS!
Troy
A-a-as I was sayin. Iâm out here at the farm and out past the barns just hours ago, Old Man Libbydale called us in, and acres upon acres, boys, have been De.Stroyed out here.
Ben
[accusingly] Where were yoouu, earlier this evening, Troy?
Troy
Using my keen detective skills and ninja-like mental agility, I can see youâre trying to place me at the scene of the crime, little buddy. However Olâ Troy was sawinâ logs next to the Mrs. before. my. shift.
Ben
While crimes are being committed? *scoffs* Typical.
Troy
Now thatâs a low blow just beâ
[shouting over each other]
Ben
NO! NO!
Troy
âlow my pistol beltâ
Ben
YOUUâ Nâ TROOYY!â
Troy
â Ben come onâ
Ben
â Tâ OHH
Troy
â this ainât about the farmâ
Ben
[mocking] OHH YEAHHH- OHHH YOUâRE SOOOâ
Troy
â and you knowâ
Ben
âGOOD AT FIGHTINGâ
Sammy
GUYS! GUYS! [âbreak it up kidsâ/dad-voice] I understand thereâs renewed intensity between you two, but Ben, as co-host of this show and a respected journalistâ put it away. Troy, youâre the first friend of the Sammy & Ben Show and a deputy sheriff. You guys donât have to be best buddies, but letâs please report- on the news story- at hand.
Troy
Couldnât have said it better myself, Sammy.
Ben
[hissed] Jesus.
Sammy
So, Troy. Old Man Libbydale called you outâ Acres of his lands destroyed. How so?
Troy
Yâall ainât gonna believe it, but you know I always shoot you straight⊠Two words: Crop. Circles.
Sammy
[incredulous] Crop circles?
Troy
Itâs like a live action Led Zeppelin album cover as far as the eye can see! Big ones, little ones. The craziest damn designs you ever could imagine.
Ben
Troy, I assume you and the rest of Gundersonâs thugsâ I-mean-âdeputiesââ inspected the circles, and the surrounding areas, for man-made tools? There have been stories that men with boards tied to ropes can replicate what people believe crop circles to look like. Bending the crops at the right angles, etcetera⊠did you findâ
Troy
Didnât find anything, Ben. Not a board⊠not a footprint⊠nothinâ but hunched over crops.
Ben
So you thinkâ?
Troy
Oh, there isnât a doubt in my mind itâs from the UFOs or those lights. I mean, whichever you wanna call it. No man made these! And in just a few hours to boot!
Sammy
Okay. So, has this ever happened here before, Ben?
Ben
No! Nor abductions! Not even lights being so close to town. The past few months- have been a hotbed for extraterrestrial activityâ it would seem.
Sammy
âIt would seemâ? So you arenât certain?
Ben
*scoff/laugh* I only said âit would seemâ so you wouldnât get all defensive about it.
Sammy
Okay, alright. Well, as much as I hate to say it, I definitely feel thereâs a lot more than meets the eye here in Kings Falls.
Ben
Iâm not one to say âI told you soâ⊠But I DID tell you so!
Troy
Just so everybody out there knows: Libbydale Farms is private property. So, unless youâre doing the dairy farm tour in morninâ, this is not an attraction for looky-loos. There is an official investigation still ongoinâ here. Plus, donât nobody need another person gettinâ snatched up by the Martians either.
Ben
*smug snort* Martians are from Mars, Troy. They arenât representative of all extraterrestrials?.
Troy
[defensive] Whateverâ Ben Nye the Science Guy. Iâm headinâ out to the field again. I might not be smart as Ben about the aliens and such, but I can definitely sniff out a spot where the Williams boys will come lookinâ for Mischief and Mayhem. [click]
[dial tone]
Sammy
Deputy Troy, folks. Now, I didnât realize you and Troy were still so angry at one another, Ben. You canât let that hostility clouâ
Ben
THANKS, DAD! â Weâre just gonna take a break to hear from one of our fine sponsors. Maybe Sammy here can talk to me about the birds and the bees after we get back.
Sammy
[quietly] MaybeâŠ
[disquieting, melancholic piano music]
Soft, disquieting voice
What if what you thought wasnât really what you thought you thought? ⊠Ever think of that? ⊠Here at the Institute of Science, we can help you become what youâve always wanted to become⊠A better you, for a better mankind! Call us today for a free brochure and a C-meter reading. Thatâs âCâ as in âcat.â ⊠Weâre coming King Falls⊠Be well! ⊠And be ready.
[piano fades out]
[S&B theme]
Sammy
Youâre listening to King Falls AM and we are opening up the phone lines to you. 424-279-3858.
Ben
Weâll be talking about the apparent crop circle- situation at Libbydale Farms. As well as if any of you out there have had any experience with this phenomenon.
Sammy
So give us a call or tweet us @kingfallsam. So, youâve heard our story, now letâs hear yours.
Ben
Line 3.
Sammy
Good evening, youâre live with Sammy and Ben.
Cynthia
Good evening? For who? Certainly not King Falls!
Sammy
Hi, Cynthia. How âbout you tell us how you really feel tonight.
Cynthia
Weellll, to be honessst, Iâm a little rattled over these gang signs the aliens are leaving on our turf. Literally.
Ben
Cynthiaâ there is no way to tell if those circles are- angry orrr happy! even. Theyâre *huff/laugh* just symbols.
Cynthia
Soâs a swastika, Ben Arnold. Get your head out of your tuchus!
Sammy
Okay, obviously, we arenât trying to raise alarms here, Cynthia. Itâs just, uhâ itâs an interesting story. Especially here in our backyard. Would you not agree? Uh, you know, itâs not every day you can see this kind of handiwork â man-made or otherwise.
Cynthia
You two sound sooo happy. Weâre getting tagged in an intergalactic war and all of us in the Falls are sitting around at ground zero.
Ben
I- donât think thatâs fair tâ
Cynthia
Thatâs the problem! You just. donât. think! Itâs all Tim Jensonâs fault, I just know it. We didnât have any flying saucer, land-tattooing bedlam before he chased those lights.
Ben
He didnât âchaseâ anything! He was driving from work and called to report on a breaking news story.
Cynthia
Watch your tone, Ben. Iâll buy one of those rabid, disease-ridden sugar flyers and toss it in Lake Hatchenhaw. just to spite you!
Sammy
Goodnight, Cynthia.
Ben
Sugar glider. And- they are. illegal.
Cynthia
So are illegal aliens, but youâre just getting ready to throw âem a parade! I canât! I just canât! [click]
[dial tone]
Sammy
Heh, alright, uh⊠Line 12, youâre live on King Falls AM.
Emily
Hi, Sammy! Hi, Ben!
Ben
Emily! IâI didnât realize you were back in town!
Emily
I just got back. I was listening on the way in! My mom and I actually drove by the farm and saw all the commotion over there. Police; reportersâ big lawn-mower thingiesâŠ
Ben
Lawn mowers?
Sammy
Uh, yâ know, if you donât mind me asking, Emily, why were you out of town?
Emily
Oh, I flew out to Buford, Wyoming,[1] for the annual small town librarian expo! And I had my mom pick me up from the airport sinceâ Ben was on the air.
Sammy
Wow. So you guys are in the taking and picking up from the airport stage of yourrrâ
Ben
Friendship. Is that the- word- youâre- searching for, Sammy?
Sammy
[kinda smug] Thaaat was exactly the one, Ben.
Emily
*soft laugh* You guys are so silly. But I just wanted to say âhiâ and tell Ben Iâm back home now!â Oh! And starting next week, Iâve got a whole bunch of fun activities I learned from the expo to start doing at the library! Hopefully we can get some of the scared kids back now.
Ben
Iâll call you later, Emily.
Emily
Goodnight, Ben! Night, Sammy!
[click, dial tone]
Sammy
Emily Potter, ladies and gents. King Falls Librarian and Benâs⊠Friend.
Ben
[shyly] Yeah-yeah⊠Lucky Line 1, youâre on King Falls AM.
Greg
Hey, guys! Itâs Greg Frickard!
Sammy
Hi, Greg! You know, we appreciate you running the ads on the show, sir. Itâs so nice to meet youuu⊠uh, over the phone, of course.
Greg
Thanks, Sammy! Iâ thinkâ weâve- talked before, and uh, glad to run the spot! Me and Granny Frickard love the show! You should hop on down to the Froggery and weâll hook ya up!
Sammy
I might have to take you up on that offer, Greg!
Greg
Weâd love to have you! You too, BenâŠ
Ben
Greg, youâre a lifelong King Falls resident⊠w-weâve been talking about the crop circles out at â
Greg
Oh I know. Iâve been listening, butâ I was actually calling about- sssomething elseâ if thatâs okay.
Sammy
Uh, yyyeah. Sure thing, Greg. Whatâs on your mind?
Greg
Well, I heard Ben and Miss Potter a second ago and they made aâ declaration of friendship? Is that correct?
Sammy
Oh! U-uh. Is- this about Emily?
Ben
[suspicious] Did you- call before, when Emily was in the studio, Greg?
Greg
Uh, noo⊠*nervous laugh* that must have beeeen⊠somebody else. But is that true, Ben? Are you and Miss Potter just friends?
Ben
[terse] Good friends. *tsk* Close. Friends⊠Real close.
Greg
Huhhh! ⊠Well th- okay! Thatâs all I needed to know! Thanks a million, buddy.
Sammy
Heyâ Greg. You didnât have a comment orrâ
Greg
Oh, no, no! I jâ *chuckles* I donât know the first thing about crop circles andâ what-have-you. Uhh, itâs real interesting and all! but- Miss Potterâs lovely voice just⊠[sighing dreamily] speaks to me. I always just assumed that Ben and Emily were⊠âbfâ and âgfâ respectively, *laughs* but⊠if thatâs not the case, thennnâŠ
Sammy
Ben? You okay?
Ben
I donât like putting ourâ personal lives out there in the public eyeâŠ
Greg
Well, gee, Ben, Iâmâ only asking because ifff youâre into friendship with the lovely Miss Potter, andâ Iâm afraid, uhhh, I might just have to be into courtship. *chuckle* Granny wants to see me married before going into the great By-and-Byâ
Ben
Bye-bye to you too! Greg. Looks like we lost lineâ
Greg
Iâm still here, pals! Now about that thingâ
Ben
[click, dial tone] Line 7, youâre on King Falls AM?
Sammy
Did you just hang up onnnâ
Ben
I would never. LINE 7.
Herschel
Iâd like to place a complaint, rrright this instant.
Sammy
Herschel?
Ben
Is everything okay, Mr. Baumgartner?
Herschel
Would I call into you nincompoops if everything was hunky-dory?
Ben
I guess not⊠No.
Sammy
So, what seems to be the issue, Herschel?
Herschel
All this yackinâ about G-D UFOs and crop circles, for starters. Makes my damn d[bleep]k itch.
Sammy
Sir! This isâ
Herschel
Did you call me to tell me what to think, comrade? Or did I call you to talk about an issue?
Sammy
Please continue, Mr. BaumgartnerâŠ
Herschel
Thank you. So, Iâm out on the lake tonightâ got up brright and early, so I could make sure I got my special spot.
Ben
âGot up earlyâ? Itâsâ just now a little past 2âŠ
Herschel
You the sleep police?! Ya little bastard⊠I thought not.
Ben
Sorry, Herschel.
Herschel
So Iâm trollin, out on the⊠well. That parts Top Secret, boys. But Iâm trollin, so I donât scare the bigguns away, and those g[bleep]ddamn sons of b[bleep]chinâ rainbow lights start blowinâ through the sky. Looked like Josephâs Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat[2] was fightinâ that big Jap lizard!
Sammy
Godzilla? Please donât use derogatory worâ
Herschel
McCarthy[3] wouldâa skinned your ass alive, you Red[4] sack âa sh[bleep]t! Can I tell my story?!
Sammy
Of course, Iâm just asking you not toâ
Ben
[quickly] Iâm on the button. Sammy. Heh. Herschelâs gonna Herschel!
Sammy
Okay. So, you saw the lights tonightâŠ
Herschel
Saw âem? Hell. They scared the literal piss out of me. Got a trickle down my Carhartts[5] look like the state of Florida. Iâm out here naked as a jaybird! Not a fish in sight.
Ben
Iâm sorry, did you just reference a musical, Mr. Baumgartner?
Herschel
Oh, just âcause I like some colorful metaphors, means I canât be refined, Ben?!
Ben
I wasnâtâ I didnâtâ im-implyâ Iâm-Iâm just sayingâ
Herschel
[softly, for Herschel] Olâ Mrs. Baumgartner, (god rest your sexy soul, Edna), used to love those hippy-dippy singing plays. And Iâd do anything to keep in those pants, fellas.
Sammy
Oh, god.
Ben
Awww. [pleading] Can we get back to the lights?
Herschel
That Edna. Oh, lemme tell ya⊠Oh! Uh, yeahâ the damn lights! Yeah, so, I saw âem. What the hell else am I supposed to tell ya about it?!
Sammy
Well, you were calling to complain about them, Iâm sure.
Herschel
Thatâs right! Iâd like to report that no-good drunkard! Cecil Sheffield! Called that cumbersome ass-wart damn near 15 times to come bring me a pair of skivvies to no avail! Avoiding my calls and his duties as the co-winner of this damn boat!
Ben
Itâsâ so late, Mr. Baumgartner. Iâm-Iâm sure heâs sleeping now.
Herschel
You would take up with him!
Sammy
W-well, Benâs just sayinâ that he isnât avoiding you so much as heâs, you knowâ probably asleep.
Herschel
Sleeping one off! Soggy son of a b[bleep]h. He knows if I ring the special line, itâs a damn emergency.
Ben
So, you guys have made up?
Herschel
Made up my ass! If heâs gonna be âcoâ-anything with Herschel F. Baumgartner, that tally-whackerâs gonna have to keep up his end of the bargain.
Sammy
To be at your beck and call in case you⊠soil yourselfâŠ
Herschel
Donât be crass!
Ben
So, you guys are actually sharing the boat? Thatâs awesome! I figured you onlyâ
Herschel
I ainât sharin a damn thing with that son of a b[bleep]h! Stop stirrinâ the pot or Iâll make what Charlie did to John McCain look like foreplay, Ben Arnold!
Sammy
So, to the point. Youâre calling to complain about Cecil because heâs sleeping through your time of need?
Ben
But! He is corroborating seeing the lights, Sammy! Thatâs a big deal.
Herschel
Just have an intern or something bring me some britches and stop fiddle fu[bleep]ing fuss! 32 long! Iâll be at Begleyâs. Heâs probably peering out his window lookin for a damn show⊠I donât like beige! [click]
[dial tone]
Sammy
Youâre on King Falls AM with Sammy and Ben.
Riley
Please hold the line for Mayor Grisham.
Sammy
This again?
Ben
*groans*
Sammy
You know, I wonder, do you wake him when we say special keywords, or�
Riley
Mayor? Youâre on with Sammy and Ben.
Grisham
Sammy. Ben. I hate to rain on your little topic of discussion tonight, but letâs shut it down. Itâd be much appreciated.
Ben
What??
Sammy
The always-fair, Mayor Grisham, folks. Remember this come election time next year.
Grisham
Do you think that a public servant should have to call the local âTom & Joe Chucklehut Showâ to ask them not to jeopardize a police investigation?
Sammy
Do you ever call Channel 13 and tell them what to report and how? We are a topical late night talk show, Grisham.
Grisham
Mayor.
Sammy
I didnât vote for you.
Grisham
Fair enough. I donât expect you to respect anything but your own pathetic grab for ratings. Now, regarding Channel 13â
Ben
Sorry, Mayor. Obviously, Sammy is flustered. He wouldnât have used such a bad example if he was thinking straightâ
Grisham
The answer to your question, Sammy, is no. I wouldnât call in and tell a reputable news agency how to do their job. BUT, amazingly enough, I continue to have to ask you to stop your rhetoricâ seemingly once a month or so. Interesting, donât you think?
Ben
You do realize the only people that watch Channel 13 are drunks that canât find the remote and animals left alone with the TV on, right?
Grisham
Whatever helps you sleep better, Ben. I can tell you for a fact that, right now, Storm Sanders is probably not working a âlocal yokelâ interview and digging up the muck. Heâs reporting on city ordinance 29.44371.
Ben
Storm is knee deep in a barrel of backyard bathtub hooch during commercial breaks.
Sammy
So, Mayor. What is this ordinance? Ya know, since we arenât reporting the news to your liking, give us a glimpse into what works for you.
Grisham
The add-on to the local YMCA? The new menu over at Roseâs! Iâm not paid a handsome salary to do your job.
Sammy
Oh, right! I forget you think you can dictate what we report on, for free.
Ben
Sammy⊠theyâre destroying the crop circles! Thatâs the ordinance!
Grisham
Thereâs hope for you yet, Ben. Donât go down with this ship. Iâll put a good word in for you elsewhere.
Sammy
You son of a b[bleep]h! Youâre destroying the crop circles?! That could be the only thing that brings Tim Jenson home!
Grisham
Donât bring Tim Jenson into this! The city is paying Libbydale Farms a fair share for their remaining crops! But it is in the publicâs best interest to mow down this batch of mischief accordingly! Especially after this broadcast.
Sammy
*derisive scoff/laugh* You are despicable.
Grisham
These affairs arenât your business to ramble on about⊠Do the weather! Talk about traffic! I mean, I filled those potholes! Stop making trouble!
Sammy
Freedom of the Press. When your assistant isnât typing out our every word, maybe have her look it up and tell you all about it.
Grisham
I canât wait to hear about it! And hereâs a little phrase for you to look up too! OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE.
Sammy
Uh-huh.
Grisham
Do you think using your connections to officers of the law to report on âbreaking newsâ is fine and dandy, Stevens?? *sniffs* You are perverting the course of this case. Thingsâ especially ongoing issuesâ arenât meant to be talked about until all the facts are out there! And youâ *sniffs* IDIOTS are playing on the scene, reporting with your bagel-eating buddy! who happens to be a cop.
Ben
*scoffs* âs not my buddy.
Sammy
BEN.
Ben
Iâm not throwing you under the bus, Sammy. I just hate Troy.
Grisham
So, the moral of the story would be, gents⊠some things require couth. Some things require kid gloves when handling. And most things donât need to be aired in the public for ratings and entertainment. A perfect example being how, Iâm sure Sheriff Gunderson will handle Deputy Krieghauser on his own, for calling into this joke of a show with police business constantly. Doubt youâll see that done during a press conference.
Ben
Uh⊠is that⊠really necessary, sir?
Grisham
This show is a breeding ground for incompetence, and youâre now dragging your pals down with you. Straighten Up and Fly Right.
Sammy
Troy doesnât need to be punished for you to make your point, Grisham.
Grisham
Out Of My Hands⊠Iâve already had Riley send my opinions on it over to the good sheriff! Now again, I ask you: pick a different topic of discussion. Maybe one that wonât lead to the continued pain and misery for all those around you. Night night, fellas! [click]
[dial tone]
Sammy
[quickly] Iâm gonna call Troy.
Ben
Umm, uh *nervous stuttering* W-weâll be back after thisâ King Falls. Weâll- weâll take some- calls about uhh⊠*helpless scoff* I guess weâll- seeâŠ
[KFAM outro]
[CREDITS]
References
[1] Buford, Wyoming - âAmericaâs Smallest Townâ, Buford is mostly just a convenience store/gas station. The population was 1-2 from ~1995 until it was completely abandoned in 2017.
[2] Josephâs Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat - Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat is a musical comedy with lyrics by Tim Rice and music by Andrew Lloyd Webber. The story is based on the "coat of many colors" story of Joseph from the Bible's Book of Genesis.
[3] McCarthy - Joseph Raymond McCarthy was a Republican U.S. Senator from 1947 until his death in 1957. Beginning in 1950, McCarthy became the most visible public face of the âRed Scareâ, a period in the United States in which Cold War tensions fueled fears of widespread Communist subversion. He is known for alleging that numerous Communists and Soviet spies and sympathizers had infiltrated the United States federal government, universities, film industry, and elsewhere.
[4] Red - Communist
[5] Carhartts - Carhartt, Inc., is a U.S.-based apparel company founded in 1889. Carhartt is known for its work clothes, such as jackets, coats, overalls, coveralls, vests, shirts, jeans, dungarees, fire-resistant clothing and hunting clothing.
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King Falls AM - Episode Twelve: All the Pretty Flowers
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Summary: October 15, 2015 - Against Ben's wishes, Sammy broaches a touchy subject after witnessing a hearse delivering white roses on his way into the station. Is it a King Falls Halloween tradition or could it be something more sinister? #RedRumRoses
[podcast intro music]
[jazz music]
Chet
Well the clock on the wall is telling me thatâs all, yâall. So Iâm gonna mosey on down to The Red Rock bar and buy all the ladies a drink on me. But donât try to fool me again, Dennis. This has been Chet Sebastianâs Jazz Corner. Until next time⊠keep it cool King Falls.
[Sammy & Ben Show intro music]
Ben
Good evening, youâre listening to King Falls AM [door closing]â thatâs 660 on the radio dial. [slightly irked] And this is the Sammy and Ben showâ sans-Sammy at the moment.
[footsteps]
Sammy
Sorry about that, Ben! everybody at home. I was just running a little late. I was j- Y-you know, I just saw the weirdest thing!
Ben
Was it Chet leaving? I told him to take that fur coat off. Guy looks like he walked off a set of a Blaxploitation[1] film.
Sammy
*laughs* No, I wish Iâd seen that. But I was driving in tonight- I was running a tad bit late, as you can see, and I swear to you: Iâm coming up Main Street, I got behind a hearse delivering these giant white rose bouquets! Like, every couple of streets the damn thingâs stoppinâ!
Ben
No.
Sammy
No *laughs* yeah it did.
Ben
⊠SOOOOO⊠Weeeâve got a great show for you folks tonight. Uh, Ernie SalcedoâŠ
Sammy
Ben.
Ben
*pointedly clearing his throat* ⊠Yes?
Sammy
Okay, I can see you slashing at your neck furiously and shaking your head ânoâ, but the audience canât. Sooo, whatâs the issue here?
Ben
*nervously* Iâm sorry we⊠just donât talk about this, Sammy.
Sammy
So you know of it! Is it like some kind of weird Halloween thing?
Ben
[flatly] Halloween? Are you serious? We donât celebrate Halloween here in the Falls, Sammy.
Sammy
WHAT? This is like frigginâ Halloween Town! You know those shops that open up every year around Halloween and close the day after? King Falls is where all those shops should move to when itâs not Halloween.
Ben
Two things. 1) Thatâs a horrible business model, and 2) Halloween is one, big, diabetic pumpkin.
Sammy
Come on? You donât like decorating? Trick-or-treating?
Ben
ALL OF IT. Itâs like youâreâ tempting these ghouls and goblins to come and mess with you. We get enough of that here. And again, diabetes.
Sammy
Okay, I can see where youâre coming from, but Iâm not gonna lieâ this is kind of a surprise.
Ben
What can I say? Weâre more the Christmas or Arbor Day types.
Sammy
Okay, so the hearse is delivering flowers. Whatâs the deal if itâs not a Halloween⊠ritual?
Ben
Did you really see that? Did someone tell you to mess with me about this?
Sammy
Scoutâs Honor. I was late because of it! I illegally passed on a double yellow line (sorry Deputy Troy) just to skate around âem and make my way up the mountain.
Ben
⊠I donât like this. I-I donât know that Iâve ever known anyone that saw the flowers delivered. Usually businesses and people just find the wreaths the next morning. D-Di-Did you see inside the hearse? Was it⊠people?
Sammy
You know, I didnât look, but Iâm gonna go out on a limb and say⊠it was a human being.
Ben
Well, thatâs good. *breath* Itâs something.
Sammy
Okay, so the rosesâŠ
Ben
[voice breaking] Damnit, Sammy! We got a show scheduled, ya know?
Sammy
Iâm well aware! Just fill me in about the roses and weâll move on.
Ben
[muttering] Yeah yeah, okay, so⊠*deep breath* Every year, around this timeâ
Sammy
HalloweenâŠ
Ben
OCTOBER.
Sammy
Uh-huhâŠ
Ben
Everyâ October⊠there is a certain society of peopleâ and I use the term âpeopleâ looselyâ that congregate and deliver the rose wreaths to individuals and businesses. Thatâsâ a fact.
Sammy
And?
Ben
Annnd⊠nobody really knows what happens after that.
Sammy
[audible grin] But legend has itâŠ!
Ben
Donât âlegend-has-itâ me! Nobody knows for sure! Why gossip?
Sammy
Okay. What do you think happens, Ben?
Ben
*breathes in* Uuuugghhhh⊠Well, I think people either accept this weirdâ invitation or⊠they donât. But I can tell you, the people that donât? Well⊠they donât, last long after that.
Sammy
Okay. So weâve just went from spooky 1-800-Flowers to murder in only a few easy steps.
Ben
Not- murder- per say, but⊠businesses that decline tend to⊠move away or go under. Or tragedy strikes. Sure, I-Iâve heard stories of these folks winding up on the wrong end of a funeral ceremony, but⊠I couldnât prove it. Are you satisfied now?
Sammy
Of course. Thank you, Ben. King Falls, youâve heard our story, now letâs hear yours!
Ben
DONâT open the phone lines!
Sammy
Weâre-opening-up the phone lines here at the station! 424-279-3858. Have you had contact with this demonic annual floral delivery? Hit us up!
Ben
Donât call or tweet us. Please.
Sammy
Give us a call or tweet us @KingFallsAM, [smugly] Ben will personally answer every tweet #RedrumRoses[2]
Ben
NOPE! Not gonna happen.
Sammy
BenâŠ[faux sympathy] It looks like the phone lines are lighting up, buddy.
Ben
I expected better of you, King Falls.
Sammy
Lucky Line 1, youâre on the air with Sammy And Ben.
Pete
Low-down, gossip-mongering, muckraking filth.
Ben
[flatly] Pete?
Sammy
[quiet and amused] Escobar?
Pete
N-uh- itâs Pete. You know damn well Iâm listeninâ.
Ben
Wwhatâs on your mind tonight, Pete?
Sammy
Did your mom teach you to start off phone calls with name-calling, Pete?
Pete
[faint creaking in bg] My mom taught me to⊠stand up for myself! Donât start a fight, but donât be afraid to end it.
Sammy
Whoâs fighting?
Pete
Oh, what a short attention span you have, Sammy. Not dwelling on you and Mr. Howard Ford Beauregard III issues; youâre picking a fight with the Unknown! Ben told you to shut your trap. [very faint sounds of driving]
Sammy
Heh, lemme tell you, this would a long four hours if we didnât talk and, yâ know, sometimes you have toâ
Pete
Yeah yeah, I get it, Mr. Nincompoop Radio Host. [creaking] You gotta blab. But thatâs something you donât trifle with. You should know this.
Ben
Sammy, you know I hate to say Pete is right about anything, butâ
Pete
But Iâm right about this! I know you know, Ben. Thatâs all I need to know. Stop yapping about things you donât understand.
Ben
Thanks, Pete.
Sammy
[mostly resigned] Did you have a question or an experience with the flowers, Pete?
Pete
Abs-absolutely not! Iâ d-donât try to get me in trouble. [car door closing]
Ben
You okay over there, Pete?
Pete
[failing at being nonchalant] Yeah Iâm just out, and⊠uh, just out.
Sammy
[incredulous] This time of night?
[car door slamming]
Pete
Yeah! Iâm- runninâ errands and- stuff like that, yâknow. âTâs- Itâs not- itâs not your business!
Ben
[literally tongue-in-cheek] Uh-huhâŠ
Pete
Youâre makinâ something of this. Yer- youâre doinâ somethinâ, youâre getting me invoâ Stop.
Ben
Itâs just weird, Mr. Beauregardâs gardener is out at 2 in the morning, running errands.
Sammy
So your boss doesnât have anything to do with the roses, does he, Pete?
Pete
Ben Arnold. If youâve got a lick of good sense, I wouldnât walk too close to Sammy for the next feww⊠mmâ mmmm⊠lifetimes! Heâs gonna wind up on the bottom end of an anvil.
Sammy
You know, I just donât think asking questions is the equivalent of buying ACME rocket kits and trying to catch a damn bird.[3]
Ben
[semi-stern] Yâmind answering his question, Pete?
[creaking]
Pete
Oh, HELL NO. You two are a couple âa horse patoots. Iâm never listening to this show again.
Ben
Until tomorrow.
Pete
PETE OUT! [click, dial tone]
Ben
Are you happy, Sammy? Is this what you were hoping for?
Sammy
Civilized conversation is the only thing I look for. That said⊠Iâm gonna say, itâs a tad bit suspicious.
Ben
There are dots we donât need to connect. MOVING ON!
Sammy
Maybe youâre right.
Ben
Folks, weâre gonna take a break to pay some bills, and weâll be right back and on schedule.
[rattle, guitar strums]
Dale (presumably)
[voice is a low murmur (for lack of a better word)] Daleâs Dollar Tree⊠[strum] at dirt cheap prices⊠[strum] itâs almost free. [guitar,western music] Hi, everybody, Iâm super excited to tell you âbout some unbelievable deals we have right now⊠at Daleâs Dollar Tree. Letâs segue to the savinâs [eagle screech] Our low prices are guaranteed⊠Whoâs guaranteeing it, you ask? ⊠Me⊠[guitar stops] How do you take advantage of these savings? [strum, rattle] 1) Walk into Daleâs Dollar Tree [strum] 2) Throw somethinâ in your cart [strum] 3) Savings. [guitar] Daleâs Dollar Tree. [eagle screech]
[S&B theme]
Sammy
Ladies and gentlemen, we are back and youâre listening to King Falls AM. Now we were just talking about me running late this morning, because of a, uh, hearseâ
Ben
[cutting Sammy off] So weâve got a great show scheduled tonight. Weâve got Mr. Eli Goldblum on later in the hour.
Sammy
And who is Mr. Goldblum?
Ben
Are you kidding me? Only the most renowned post-mortal psychologist known to man! Heâs on his spoken-word world tour, and this Thursday, you can see him live at the King Falls Convention Center.
Sammy
⊠Thatâsss-something.
Ben
Indeed! So thatâs in about⊠forrrty minutes. Uh, we got Rose, (from Roseâs Diner, of course) calling in to talk about how the Bee Crisis is affecting her honey-baked ham specials for the- foreseeable future.
Sammy
[TIL] Really? Thatâs something thatâs happening?
Ben
Come on, Sammy. This bee situation is serious business.
Sammy
You get points for not buzzing or saying âbeeees-nessâ
Ben
You donât wanna know how hard that wasâŠ
Sammy
-eh- Okay. So, how can we help with the bees?
Ben
Uhhh⊠cut- back- on swatting them?? *awkward laugh* I-I-I donât know for sure thatâs-thatâs why weâre talkinâ to Rose.
Sammy
Gotcha!
Ben
And our first topic of discussion this eveningâ was gonna beâ
Sammy
About the flowers.
Ben
Donât.
Sammy
Okay, look. Can we open up the phone lines again? Iâd like to talk about these flowers. Uh, you tell King Falls your topic, and then weâll see what they wanna talk about.
Ben
You know theyâll talk about the damn rose wreaths!
Sammy
You heard it here, folks. Line 7, youâre on with Sammy and Ben.
Herschel
Ugh, I canât sleep with all this damn racket going on! You two DINGLEBERRIES keep it down!
Sammy
*laugh* Herschel??
Herschel
Oh, hell. Donât make me get out of bed and give you a full blast so late at night! [muttered] Donât even know where my slippers areâŠ
Ben
Mr⊠Baumgartner, you realize you called us, right? This is- the radio station.
Herschel
I know who and what I called. I dialed you DICKWHISTLES because all this [mocking] cry-babying about the damn flowers. Turn that jazz fella back on so- so I can get some rest!
Sammy
Chet is on from 10 to 2, Mr. Baumgartner. This is Sammy and Ben and we- talk aboutâ
Herschel
I donât give a damn if itâs Tricky Dick Nixon calling to give me a Congressional Medal of Honor! You shut your nose holes about the damn funeral flowers. And play me some heroin-fueled American art! [click]
[dial tone]
Sammy
Weâre gonna count that as one for the flowersâŠ
Ben
Line 14, youâre live on the air.
Creeper
Long time listener here!
Sammy
[click, dial tone]
Ben
Did you hang up, Sammy?
Sammy
Yeeaah, sorry. I hate that guy.
Ben
Line 3,*chuckles* this is King Falls AM.
Beauregard
Good evening, Benjamin. Samuel. This isâ
Ben
Beauretard?![sic]
Beauregard
*sigh* Mr. Howard Ford Beauregard the Third. My man told me that you were spreading more lies than usual on your little âradio show.â I thought I would call and clear the air.
Sammy
Mr. Beauregard, can I just say, before this call goes ANY furtherâ that we will not accept any abuse towards us or the listeners of this show.
Beauregard
How cute that you think people listen to you two buffoons.
Ben
Thatâs abuse! Thatâs exactly what we wereâ
Beauregard
Oh, thatâs a joke where I come from. You millennials would never have lasted back in my day. With your emotions and feelings and the like.
Ben
When was that day, again, Mr. Beauregard?
Beauregard
Information about myself and my family, can be found in my international, best-selling e-book, âKing of King Fallsâ ⊠I donât have to answer toâ wellâ you.
Sammy
*sigh* Did you have a reason for the call tonight, Beauregard?
Beauregard
Indeed, I do. While men with any couth wouldnât speak about festivities that they know nothing aboouutâ
Sammy
So, youâre behind these deliveries?
Ben
Also, while I would never name names and throw my friend under a busâ you should know this wasnât the agreed upon topic of the show.
Sammy
Oh, stop it.
Beauregard
[agonizingly insincere] I donât know a thing about the supposed yearly white rose deliveries you speak of. My family, nor myself, have ever been involved with such jovality.[sic] In fact, in all my years I canât recollect such a thing.
Ben
I donât buy that for a second. Maybe youâve never sent the roses, andâ letâs play devilâs advocate and say, sure, youâve never received them (which I doubt), but there is No Way you havenât heard of this.
Beauregard
Maybe itâs something you commoners have made up, like, uhh- the tooth fairy or the Illuminati orrrâ equal rights for the sexes.
Ben
I canât deal with this guy! Just dump him and letâs take another line.
Sammy
Wait⊠Mr. Beauregard. If you donât care about thisâ and, in fact, havenât even heard of it until tonightâ why would you bother to break your Hate-Silence with us to call in?
Beauregard
Youâre not nearly as dumb as you look, Stevens! And while I continue to honor my statement beforeâ Iâd have to assume that this âroseâ ordeal is a real thing. Itâs probably a very special thing! An intimate invitation sent by the upper echelons of King Falls. A way of making amends or bring people worthy of attention, into a conversation that normally would not have been invited to have.
Ben
Just for everyone keeping score at home: I took a college course on Crazy and I believe he is saying he knows that the wreath deliveries are real, and he is probably behind them.
Beauregard
Time is money, gentleman. Not that you understand that concept. But instead of painting a ceremony you know nothing about as tragic and scaryâ perhaps itâs not. Perhaps itâs something more than that, entirely. In any case, itâs not something that should be spoken about in public. [phone pings] Ahhh⊠Iâll be going now, âgentlemen.â And while I do use that word lightly, perhaps take a break from your radio program and⊠check your door.
Ben
Isss that a threat?
Beauregard
Trick-or-Treat, Samuel⊠Benjamin. [click]
[dial tone]
Sammy
I wonder what he sounds like when he has something nice to say to people.
Ben
He probably hasnât said anything nice to a person since the 60s⊠The 1860s.
Sammy
Ya know, I didnât mean to ruffle anyoneâs feathers tonight. Especially crazy old billionaires who try to drive us off the airâ so letâs justâ
Ben
IâM GONNA GO CHECK THE DOOR.
Sammy
What?!
Ben
Yeah. [chair sliding out] Iâm sorry, man. Beauregard gives me the willies [squeak] and I wanna make sure there isnâtâ
Sammy
A sugar-glider on a noose?
Ben
Too far. I was just gonna sayâ that he hasnât had Pete ding-dong-ditch us- or something.
Sammy
And here I thought the Williams boys had that market cornered.
Ben
Iâll be back in a sec. [footsteps rushing off]
Sammy
[shouting after him] Donât talk about Pete that way, Ben! Heâs never gonna listen to the show again! Alright, folks. We are just a few hot minutes away from Eli Goldblum coming into the studio to talk about, [ominous bg music starts] uh⊠Iâm guessing- ghosts with lingering mental issues? Ah, sorryâ apparitions. [footsteps rushing back] Iâm holding out hope for an apparition with multiple personality disorder, but I donât know if thatâs a thing or not⊠[chair squeak, Ben sitting] Ben? You okay, buddy?
Ben
[upset] How many times, did I ask you to stop talking about the stupid, hearse, Sammy?
Sammy
Whatâs wrong?
Ben
[sarcastic] Oh, nothing. You wanna go outside and take a look?
Sammy
You know, I donât think I want to. Iâm happy with you filling me in.
Ben
Well, I didnât go outside, Sammy! I didnât have to. I looked out the front window.
[ominous bg music getting louder]
Sammy
Yeah? And?
Ben
[hissed] damnit
Sammy
⊠Ben. What is going on? Do we need to call Troy?
Ben
The whole parking lot- your car, MY carâ as far as the lights will let me seeâ Nothing but white roses, man.
Sammy
⊠Are you serious?
Ben
Go look!! Just donât go out there, huh? It looked like it was snowing, thatâs how many of those damn things are out there.
Sammy
[scrambling for optimism] Whatâs the chances that itâs just a non-Halloween bouquet from Emily to you?
Ben
ZERO. Zero percent chance, Sammy.
Sammy
[seriously] Folks, weâll be right back after a word from our sponsors.
[KFAM outro]
[CREDITS]
References
[1] Blaxploitation - Blaxploitation or blacksploitation is an ethnic subgenre of the exploitation film that emerged in the United States during the early 1970s. The films, while popular, suffered backlash for disproportionate numbers of stereotypical film characters showing bad or questionable motives, including roles as criminals.
[2] #RedrumRoses - Redrum is from the psychological horror film The Shining. Itâs âmurderâ spelled backward.
[3] âACME rocket kits and trying to catch a damn birdâ - I sincerely hope no one will ever be too young for this reference, but I once had my little brothers ask who Mr. Rogers was so: this is a reference to the Looney Toons cartoons, Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner. In each episode, Coyote repeatedly attempts to catch and eat the Road Runner, a fast-running ground bird, but is never successful. In order to catch the Road Runner, Coyote uses absurdly complex contraptions- most acquired from the mail-order company ACME- to try to catch his prey, which all backfire comically with Coyote often getting injured in slapstick fashion.
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King Falls AM - Episode Eleven: Ringinâ Hellâs Doorbell
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Summary: October 1, 2015 - After an unexpected listener call-in, the boys find a cassette tape in the mail and listen live as an adventure unfolds from one of King Falls less-friendly hiking trails.
[podcast intro music]
[KFAM intro music]
Sammy
Welcome back, everyone. The time is 4:44AM here at King Falls AM.
Ben
Itâs a slow night. You wanna do⊠weather and traffic?
Sammy
Itâs warminâ up! And if thereâs traffic at this ungodly hour, we got problems.
Ben
*snickers* Got that right, Sammy! Uh, before we go back to the phones in a sec, Iâve got an email Iâd like to read you. I think youâll get a kick out of this. [definitely smirking]
Sammy
Oh! Well, very cool. Alright, whatcha got?
Ben
[eager] So, you know I wrote the producers of Mission Apparition, right?
Sammy
⊠No. What are you talkinâ about?
Ben
Yes you do. Itâs that brain tumor of a show on Channel 13?
Sammy
I-I- I know the show, Ben! Iâm saying I didnât know you wrote them.
Ben
Dude. Youâre gonna love it. I emailed trying to get them booked as guests so we could tear them apart. *snicker*
Sammy
Well, I mean, they did keep the lights on a few weeks back, running an ad, of course. [not hopeful] So, please donât tell me you got confrontational?
Ben
If telling the truth about their staged scares counts as confrontational, then⊠[smug] I totally did.
Sammy
Okay, so you accost a paid sponsor of King Falls AM; please continueâŠ
Ben
*excited laughter* Okay, let me read this to you. âDear Sammy,â- [aside] sorry, youâ left your station email up.
Sammy
Uh-huh.
Ben
âDear Sammy, We at Mission Apparition are extremely sorry! you feel the show is âOverly Producedâ and not âtrue to the nature of actual distressed spirits.â In actuality, Dan and Larry are two of the most highly trained professionals in this field. While we appreciate constructive criticism, name-calling just isnât needed. If you have any real suggestions to make the show better, please let us know.â
Sammy
Ben. [resigned] What did you call them?
Ben
Doesnât matter. What does matter is that I wrote them back, and theyâre going to be shooting a future episode- of the show- in King Falls.
Sammy
No way!
Ben
I said âwe have many fine spectral establishments here.â The gauntlet was thrown down and they took the bait.
Sammy
As much as I hate to say this, youâre gonna get to see the Mission Apparition guys in a real situation at least.
Ben
Oh yeah. [stoked] Iâm not sure which to offer up the old Slaughter House off Cottontail Hollow or the library.
Sammy
Iâm not gonna make a youâre-trying-to-impress-Emily comment here, because I know that that place is chock full of activity.
Ben
Exactly.
Sammy
But⊠[semi-muttered] You are trying to impress Emily.
Ben
*deep breath* Whatevs. K-ca- Okay, get this though! After I told them I was co-host of a late-night AM talk show? they asked if Iâd like to come on set so I can get an interview live.
Sammy
Well, book it! Make it happen!
Ben
Done and done.
Sammy
But please stop using my email.
Ben
No promises.
Sammy
Alright folks, after that exciting announcement, weâre gonna open up the phone lines to you, our dear listeners. And, uh, Ben? You got a topic?
Ben
*tsk* I absolutely do, but you canât have it until a touch after the 5 oâclock hour, Sammy.
Sammy
You heard the man, ladies and gents. Itâs a bonafide free-for-all for the next ten minutes or so. Give us a call 424-279-3858.
Ben
Or hit us up on twitter @kingfallsam
Sammy
Lucky Line 1, youâre live with Sammy and Ben.
Line 1
[deep, nasally, almost bestial voice] Uh, yeah⊠*heavy breathing, smacking lips* Did you check the mail? Heh
Sammy
[mildly sarcastic] Maybe once or twice in my lifetime, uh, do you have a topic? Or is this Ted Kaczynski[1] calling from prison?
Line 1
Uh⊠youâll have a topic sooon⊠heh⊠[ominous click, dial tone]
Ben
Yoouu know I should go take a look in our mail slot now, right?
Sammy
[exasperated] Donât.
Ben
Itâs a verbal triple-dog-dare! Iâll be right back.
Sammy
*sighs* One day, itâs just gonna be a head. I just know it. Line 5, welcome to King Falls AM.
[ominous music]
Line 5
[voice is male, higher pitched, and very nervous] Oh, I got through! Sammy?! I- I need to speak with you in private. Please!
Sammy
Iiiâm gonna be a little bit sir- we just came back from break. But Iâm happy to talk about whatever.
Line 5
We really canât talk about this on the air. Ehh *nervous breathing* Itâs about⊠wwel-I- *quick sigh* - I really donât wanna say too much, butâ I sent you a text message about, uhâŠohhâŠa month or so back? We need to speak! Itâs incredibly urgent!
Sammy
Sir, I get a lot of texts over the course of a month.
Line 5
W-well- we canât talk about this on the air.
Sammy
Who am I speaking with?
Ben
[returning] We have mail, Sammy!
Line 5
[almost whispered] I turned the power back onâŠ
Ben
Mr. Thompson?
Probably Mr. Thompson
Errâ no! [click, dial tone]
Sammy
Hello? Sir?
Ben
What was that about? [laughing slightly] I swear that dude sounded just like my old science professor.
Sammy
Can you get a number on line 5, Ben?
Ben
⊠Yeah! Yeah⊠uh, in a minute! Look at this!
Sammy
*laugh* Is that a cassette tape?
Ben
Yeah. No letterâ just a tape. Itâs labeled âD.D.â [eager] We should play this.
Sammy
I hope itâs Duran Duran.
Ben
Iâll just stick this in⊠heeere.
Sammy
Uh, do you think we should listen to that first? I know you got a trigger finger on the dump, butâŠ
Ben
[smugly] Youâre looking at the fastest finger in the tri-state.
Sammy
You know, thereâs a dirty joke there that, for our friendship, Iâm just gonna cruise- right on past.
Ben
Whereâs the play button on this hunkâa junk? Merv, why do we have a cassette player in the studio?! Itâs 2015.
Sammy
I think you know why.
Ben
[hands rubbing together] Iâm excited! [sounds of tape being inserted in the player]
Sammy
You better be payinâ attention. I donât want to hear one â
[TAPE PLAYS]
Lance
[heavy Australian accent, narrating like a documentary] âThis is Lance McCord checking in. Iâm about 5 kilometers off the Stealth Ridge Trail now. Itâs heavily wooded and just getting thicker.â
[stop click]
Sammy
Do you know this guy? âLanceâ?
Ben
Never heard of him. But if the âRâ word was politically correct for broadcast? Iâd totally use it for him right now. That trail is like the boonies within the boonies.
[play click]
Lance
âSo far so good. I was- I was a bit worried with all the tall tales surrounding the âDevilâs Doorstep.â I guess thatâs why Iâm talking to you; tracing my steps. Nothing strange or out of the ordinary. I have noticed a lack of wildlife and birds, to be this far in the bush.â
[stop click]
Ben
⊠There is no way.
Sammy
âThe Devils Doorstepâ?
Ben
Definitely the R-wordâ or has a death wish! Or both!
Sammy
Where is this place?
Ben
[reluctant] Itâs north of King Falls. Itâs a dark-ass set of woods. Obviously, this guy isnât from around here because heâd know you donât even talk about it, much less go there.
Sammy
OminousâŠ
Ben
And We Donât joke about it.
Sammy
[challenge accepted] It sounds so inviting, The Devilâs Doorstep. What kind of Welcome Mat do you think the Dark Lord picks out? Do you think he has a âNO SOLICITINGâ sign?
Ben
Stop it. I know you laugh about stuff like this, but⊠Donât.
[play click]
[eerie siren-like singing in bg]
Lance
âRight, about 30 minutes from my last check in. My mobile has lost signal. It- looks like itâs just you and me, pal. I lost a little bit of, uh, time. I got turned around a few minutes back. All the paths are starting to look really similar, so, itâs hard to⊠[ominous chant-singing in bg. thereâs static/rustling/indistinct whispers that fades in and out] Still no wildlife. I donât know if any men or women have ever stepped where Iâm stepping. I kind of like that.â
[stop click, siren song stops]
Sammy
Did you hear something there?
Ben
NOPE! NO SINGING.
Sammy
I didnât say singing. I said something.
Ben
I didnât hear anything!
[play click]
[static or whispers in bg]
Lance
âItâs getting colder now. Darker. That or my- mind is playing the tiniest of tricks on me. Voices, singingâ whispers. Itâs, uhâ itâs head games. [siren song begins] Nothingâs gonna stop me from making it to the gate.â
[stop click]
Ben
I think thatâs enough.
Sammy
Ben, honestly. âGate?â Iâm not following here. Youâre the expert, whatâs he looking for? Or- or whyâs he even looking for it?
Ben
COMMERCIAL TIME! Letâs do thisâŠ
[âexcitingâ sports channel music]
Announcer
[Mexican accent] Weekdays! 6 to 9 AM, Listen to the Hector el Chavo Show! The fastest growing show in the fastest growing demographic in the tri-state area! On King Falls Deportes! AM. Every week, Hector el Chavo discusses your favorite sports with your favorite players! Donât miss out this week. Monday we talk to Big Pine Striker, Javier Rancor. Tuesday weâll talk to Saddle Creek midfielder, Jorge Carpe-Gutierrez! And Friday we talk to King Falls Goalie Bubba âSuper Gringoâ Wallis! Tune in to Hector el Chavo Show, King Falls Deportes on 730AM. Your sports capital for goal!!!
[KFAM theme music]
Sammy
And welcome back to King Falls AM thatâs 660 on the radio dial. Weâve just been listening to a tape we received anonymously. Apparently, thereâs a hiker out adventuring inâ
Ben
[desperately, voice breaking] LINE 8, youâre live.
Finn
Ooh boy! Things are getting tense on that tape, yâknow?!
Ben
Forget the tape! Ha-how-howâre you doing, Finn? Is everythingâ still intact?
Finn
Doinâ swell, just swell! [scratching sounds]
Ben
You okay there, Finn?
Finn
Oh sorry! Didnât think youâd pick that up. Iâve just been scratchin something awful the past couple weeks. I got in some poison oak, orâ something â I donât know!
Sammy
Glad to hear youâre doing well, afterâŠ
Finn
*growling* [scratching continues]
Ben
[apprehensively] ⊠You got a travel buddy with you tonight, Finn?
Finn
Oh, no. [horn in bg] Just got cut off going down the highway, here. [muttered] Lousy drivers⊠[almost shouting] we got three other lanes yâknow! [distracted] Ahh! Look at the food billboards!
Sammy
Okaaay. Um, whatâs on your mind tonight buddy?
Finn
Ah, just callinâ in to say hi⊠that sorta thing. Plus, this story? Wooweee, who is this guy? Have you talked about this place before? I donât think I heard you mention it⊠Uhh, I donât thinkâŠ
Ben
Because we donât, Finn.
Finn
Spoooky stuff, fellas!
Sammy
Yeeaah⊠I donât know if you wereâ
Finn
*howls loudly*
Ben
I- Iâm sorry. Yyou gotta keep your pup- quiet.
Finn
[confused] Pup? No doggy here! Just you two fellas- and mee, rolling down the rooaad.
Sammy
You donât have a dog with you, Finn?
Finn
Couldnât if I wanted to. Iâm allergic. [scratching]
Ben
Are⊠are you feeling okay? Did you ever get checked out after that night you hit that⊠wereâ dog?
Finn
What?! I wouldnât lay hands on a pooch! Are you feelinâ alright, Ben?
Sammy
*laugh* Heâs talkinâ about the dog you accidentally hit awhile back. Uh, y-you got out to check on it and the call dropped off?
Finn
Uh⊠Naooo, wasnât me. Yâknow, I think Iâd remember somethinâ like that! [honking in bg, sound of semi passing] Dammit all, I gotta go, boys. Canât scratch, drive, and talk at the same time. Finish that tape, itâs givinâ me the willies!
Ben
Stay awake and- stay safe, Finn⊠Make a doctorâs appointment!â maybeâŠ
Sammy
Or a vetâŠ
Finn
*chuckles* Oh, you two! Iâll catch you later. *loud howl*
[click, dial tone]
Sammy
Now, Ben. You know- I love what you do on this show. I wouldnât wanna do this with anybody-else⊠BUT. Iâve got a tiny issue with you cutting to unscheduled breaks during conversations.
Ben
[innocently] Did that happen? Iâm so sorry, I just⊠Iâm so interested inâ
Sammy
In doing everything but playing that tape. You got us all interested now, man. You gotta follow through.
Ben
Okayâ [definitely not having fun] it was fun! but I think we should just forget about it.
Sammy
Impossible.
Ben
S-sit down, donâtâ
[play click]
Lance
[wind gusting] âThereâs no doubt that something is, uh, keeping me away from the gate at this point. [siren song in bg] My- watch has just stopped working, so I donât know what time it is. I canât really see the sun from the thickest overhangs to tell⊠I checked my compass [sing-chanting in bg] to ensure I was⊠[rustling] WHAT THE?â [creepy sing-chanting intensifies]
Super Creepy Whisper Voice
âTURRRN. BAAACK. NOOOW.â
Lance
âMy fu[bleep]ing compass- is literally spinning like a top! Thereâs EVIL in these woods! You can feel it- in the air! Itâs palpable!â
[stop click]
Sammy
Ben! Donât be mad!
Ben
[seriously upset] We shouldnât be playing this! This isnât a joke, man! This is a tape that probably needs to go to the proper authorities! Iâm gonna google Missing Persons.
Sammy
Look, Iâm not against that. But letâs finish this up, and at the very least talk to me. Tell us a little bit about the woods.
Ben
If- if I tell you, will you stop playing the damn tape?
Sammy
Absolutely! Help fill these last minutes until your actual topic of discussion arrives.
Ben
*heavy sigh* The path, Lance is on, is called Stealth Ridge. Itâs about a five-mile round-trip hike up north in- Perdition Wood.
Sammy
You guys really know how to name things here.
Ben
*deep breath* Okay, supposedlyâ as in, âlegend-has-itâ kind of talk, way off the beaten pathâ I mean WAY off, as in nobodyâs ever seen itâ is what heâs looking for. A cave called⊠[reluctant] âThe Devilâs Doorstepâ
Sammy
Uh-huh.
Ben
[agitated] Put two and two together here- Sammy! Itâs an entrance to the gates of hell! Many people have went out looking for it! None have ever found itâ SOME never return.
Sammy
[softly] Have you been up there, Ben?
Ben
OnceâŠ
Sammy
And?
Ben
Are you serious?! HELL NO, I havenât been! Iâm not crazy like Crocodile Dundee[1] on that tape.
Sammy
I mean, heâs gotta be okay, right? The tape made it here! [getting nervous] I-it couldâve been him who dropped it off in our mail and called tonight! Right?
Ben
This was fun for a minute, now itâs just massively creepy. Letâs moveâ [play click] SAMMY!
Sammy
Du- youâre looking at me! I didnât push the button!
[siren song]
Lance
âIt is so cold. [wind gusting] Iâve des-scended a great deal from the initial crest- of the ridge it seems ⊠I saw what appeared to beââ
Super Creepy Whisper Voice
âLAASST. WAARRNING. MORRTALLL.â
Ben
TURN IT OFF!
[click of buttons being pressed on tape player]
[rustling/cracking in bg]
Lance
âWhat the F[bleep] is that?!â
Sammy
[sarcastically] Good job!
Ben
Alright it wonât stop. Unplug it! Iâm not kidding.
Sammy
It is unplugged!
[creepy sing-chanting starts, chilling scream]
Lance
*breathing hard* âItâs after me! ⊠[calmer] Umm, I- I donât know what that was. [song/chant continues in bg] Iâm heading to the lip of this cove, here. I think Iâm just gonna- wait it out- u-until morning. Iâm wet, coldâ I, uh, caught my jacket in the bush. Iâm bleedingâ Jesus⊠My, uh- my phone is missing. God dammit. It really is just you andâ [rustling/cracking]
Super Creepy Not-Whisper Voice
MEEE!!!
Lance
âNo! [impact noise] Help me!!â [sound of running, anguished scream from Lance]
[sing-chanting continues]
[KFAM outro music]
[CREDITS]
References
[1] Crocodile Dundee - Crocodile Dundee is a series of action comedy films centered around a crocodile hunter from the Australian Outback named Michael J. "Crocodile" Dundee.
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King Falls AM - Episode 10: Medium Rare
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Summary: September 15, 2015 - Sammy & Ben welcome in studio guest, medium Miss Olivia DuPont, however a miscommunication of her talents brings up some painful memories that both Ben & Deputy Troy wish to forget.
[podcast intro music]
Sammy
[agitated] Iâm not gonna debate you maâam, Iâm just trying to say that gravity really isnât something thatâs up for discussion, sheesh.
Ben
[amused] Donât take it personally. Mrs. Bodenheimer told me in third grade that she didnât believe in air.
Sammy
âŠconditioning?
Ben
Oh, no! Air. In general. She thought oxygen was a satanic fairy tale concocted by God-hating scientists.
Sammy
[disbelieving] Yet she was in charge of educating you and hundreds of other youngsters.
Ben
College diploma goes a long way in a little town, buddy.
Sammy
Alright, well up next weâve got a pretty interesting visitor coming in studio with us.
Ben
Hopefully so!
Sammy
Oâ you donât know her?
Ben
I do not, but she sent us a ton of emails during the electrolocaust and said she was a big fan.
Sammy
All of them say she has a special talent sheâd like to share with us and the listeners
Ben
Absolutely, and sheâll be coming up after a word from our sponsors.
[dramatic eerie music]
Announcer
On the season premier of the nationâs number one paranormal investigation show: Mission Apparition. [theatrical crash] Dan and the team find themselves in a sticky situation. [static]
Dan
[echoing] They had to shut this place down after all the accidents. This is Tannerâs Taffy factory and itâs been abandoned since 1991. [static]
Announcer
âŠor has it?
Dan
Thereâs, uhâ God thereâs a lot of EVP activity around [walkie talkie sound] Larry, Larry Iâd think you better go.
[theatrical crash]
Dan
[walkie click] [hushed] Larry? Larry! [walkie click] Larry go!
Larry
[creepy, ascending, violin-screech sound effects] [through walkie] I see the lights, man, I see it
Dan
Larry move your ass!
Announcer
Itâs another canât-miss episode from the show that doesnât miss a thing when it comes to the extraordinary: Mission Apparition
[News music]
NEWS ANCHOR
Season premier, tonight at 9pm on King Falls Channel 13.
[KFAM theme]
Ben
That is- ridiculous.
Sammy
Weâre live, Ben.
Ben
I know! It doesnât change the fact that âMission Apparitionâ sucks as much as the channel that shows it.
Sammy
It sounded pretty interesting to me.
Ben
Dan and Larry from that show? wouldnât know what to do in a haunted situation to save their lives. Stupid meters and light particles, [âstupid voiceâ imitation] âoh hey I know! letâs shoot some night vision so everything looks pretty scary and suspect!â Idiots.
Sammy
You donât have to get hot about it.
Ben
Oh, Iâm just fine, Sammy. Iâm simply saying, Mission Apparition is a dumb show Made by dummies For dummies.
Sammy
Ladies and gentlemen, please be sure to direct all your hateful tweets to @kingfallsam and weâll make sure Ben answers each and every one.
Ben
Get at me twitter! #bringit
Sammy
*laughs* On a different note, we have a guest in studio with us tonight. She is a self-professed mediumâ
Olivia
[slight South African accent] Miss Olivia DuPont. Heh, see I knew it was coming.
Sammy
[laughing] Youâre good Miss DuPont. So Ben tells me you emailed us in hopes of coming on the show?
Olivia
I was very eager to come visit my favourite late-night AM talk show and maybe help some people with some closure along the way.
Ben
Thanks Miss DuPont, we are happy to have you.
Olivia
Oh, please call me Golden Owl. *Who-whoo who-whoo!*
Sammy
UmmmâŠ
Olivia
*Laughs* What a hoot and riot, you should have seen your face Sammy. Please, call me Olivia.
Ben
Ha. S- soo⊠um, you arenât from King Falls, is that correct?
Olivia
That is, I live a few towns over. Up in Big Pine. Thatâs where my shop is as well.
Ben
I love Big Pine! I- I used to go camping there as a kid! Itâs beautiful and so laid-back.
Sammy
Laid-back? I didnât know it got slower then King Falls!
Ben
Youâll have to excuse Shotgun Sammy here, heâs a Big City guy.
Sammy
Anyway, so how did you find out that you had this talent, Olivia? That you were a medium.
Olivia
Oh, from a very young age. My parents were veterinarians and we lived in an apartment above their office, so I used to hear- so many lost souls. Day in and day out.
Ben
Lost souls? Wh-why were these people hanging out at the vets?
Olivia
[confused] People?
Sammy
Iâm sorry, Olivia. Maybe weâve got our wires crossed here. We were under the impression that you were a psychic.
Olivia
[firmly] Medium. Psychics are low life charlatans.
Sammy
Iâm sorry, a medium.
Olivia
A medium is someone whose 6th sense is so in tune, so aware, that a bridge is made to the other side, in which we can communicate with our loved ones.
Ben
Uh, but- but again why were the souls of people hanging out at your parentsâ vet office?
Olivia
*scoffs* What does this have to do with people, Ben?
Sammy
Okay, this bridge that youâve-youâve built to the other side. Is it not for people?
Olivia
[laughing] Heavenâs no!
Ben
Iâm lost.
Olivia
Well Iâm- one of a kind, I get human interference from- time to time, you know [long-suffering] a mother looking to reconnect with her kids, a brother that died in the war. Ugh. I ignore that. This is about our deceased loved ones. The furry kind, or feathered! or what-have-you.
Ben
Wait. You talk to dead pets?
Olivia
Harsh, but not incorrect Ben.
Ben
[growing slightly frantic]Oh, no, see I-I-I booked you so we could talk about your gift and take some calls from the listeners, butâ
Olivia
We can take calls Ben.
Sammy
So, to be clear, you have contact with human spirits and you just toss them to the wayside to talk to Fido.
Olivia
*laughs* Anyone can talk to deceased humans, Sammy, especially here in King Falls. This place is beaming with activity- even the two of you could do it if you tried. But nobody talks to our long-lost pets.
Ben
Iâm sorry, this isnât what we were looking for Miss DuPont.
Olivia
Golden Owl. Hoh, excuse me boys *loud sigh* this one is coming on strong! MMMOOooo MMMrrrr⊠Moo. *loud sigh* Sorry boys,[solemnly] that was- that was a rough one. Cassie the Cow was crying out. She lived in one of those factory farms and she- *deep breath* was using me to tell the world about her last days in the Cowschwitz[sic].
Sammy
Okay folks, weâre sorry. Just give us a minute or two so we can uh⊠So we can get thisâ
Olivia
I seeee⊠a dog? forgive me- AAAOOOoo AWAWWOOooo ARAwwo *growls*
Ben
[Irritated] Okay, I think weâve heard enough.
Olivia
Wolfington?
Ben
This is insane.
Sammy
[seriously] Wait. What color is the dog?
Olivia
Blackâ oh a little-bit of brown. He looks likeâ a lap dog perhaps? UhhâŠ
Sammy
A terrier!
Olivia
Oh, of course, I can see it nowww. Heâs just wagging his tail, so happy, chasing his ball- Oh! Ooh, heâs mounting your Teddy Ruxpin bear[1].
Sammy
Thatâs him! Oh my gosh!
Ben
[incredulous] Wolfington the terrier? Come oonnn.
Sammy
Thatâs my dog, Ben! He ran away when I was in grade school.
Olivia
Woof! RUFF! Ruff-ruff-rUFF! Oh. He wants you to know that heâs fine Sammy, Wolfington had a good life. He isnât mad that you only ever shared your veggies at the dinner table.
Sammy
[entreating] Heh, itâs all I could do little buddy! my mom was always watchinâ!
Ben
Sammy?
Sammy
Uh, *clears throat* I mean, y-you know thatâs- thatâs good, thatâs real good Olivia. Uh, thank you.
Ben
What is going on here?! Snap out if it, Sammy, this is obviously a con. Facebook info- or something.
Olivia
I seeeâ Â [whispered] what is it? Is it a bird?
Ben
[mocking]Cuckoo. Cuckoo.
Olivia
Is it a tiny⊠monkey? Noâ no no, dig deeper. Marsupial!
Ben
You arenât buying this, right?
Olivia
I feeel a- a naame⊠Serendipity?
Ben
[shocked] What the Hell?
Sammy
Ben, you alright over there?
Ben
Iâm- fine. Um. Go on, Golden Owl?
Olivia
Is it a⊠sugar glider!
Ben
It is! Serendipity the sugar glider! Oh man.
Sammy
You canât be serious, Ben. Your parents bought you an exotic animal and the best name you can come up with is âSerendipityâ?
Ben
[defensive] It came already named, man, and No, for the record? we found it. There was a travelling zoo that came through the Falls. And the day after, my friends and I found a box, down at the fairgrounds, and inside? there was little Serendipity, looking back up at us.
Olivia
He said heâs sorry that he couldnât stay. He wishes he did, that mean man with the badge- well, [softly] and you know how that goes.
Sammy
Uh, how what goes? What happened?
Ben
[upset] I donât want to talk about it.
Olivia
He forgives you Ben.
Ben
[forcefully] Golden Owl I said Iâm done! Letâs Take some callers.
Sammy
Ben, Iâm sorry, but this seems likeâ
Ben
[distressed] Why donât you pry your fingers- into the open wound- of my heart, and dig it all out, Sammy? Sweet Jack in the Box Jesus.
Sammy
⊠Youâre right, I-Iâm sorry Ben. Well, King Falls youâve heard Serendipityâs story, now letâs hear yours. 424-279-3858. We are live with pet medium, Olivia DuPont aâ
Ben
Did he live a good life? Olivia? W-was he happy, like Sammyâs puppy?
Olivia
Do you not know?
Ben
Know what?
Sammy
Iâm so confused here.
Olivia
Serendipity was a bit of an outlaw. Sugar Gliders are illegal to posses in the tri-state region because of the â72 Sugar Flu outbreak.
Sammy
Seriously, okay guys, I just pulled up Sugar Gliders on the googs, adorable!
Ben
They were still illegal. My mom tried calling the travelling zoo but to no avail. And it wasnât like I didnât want to keep Serendipity, I loved the little guy but, one of my backstabbing âfriendsâ from school said something to Bodenheimer ⊠I-I donât want to talk about this.
Sammy
They took him away?
Ben
Mrs. Bodenheimer did. She took him to the office, and I never saw him again. She said she was going to make sure he got back to the zoo, di-di-did he, Golden Owl?
Olivia
MMEEEEOOOOOWWW MEOOOWWW *hisses* Sorry, a calico is summoning me.
Ben
Cut the crap! Whatâs this about the man with the badge?
Olivia
[nervously] O- of course Iâve just heard this second-hand. Benâ I mean whoâs to say exactly- what happened? It- you know, itâs from a different perspective then we can understand.
Ben
What happened?
Olivia
Serendipity- bit the man with the badge on the drive and- was tossed out the window. Into the river. Then- eventually down the falls. *chitters and hisses*
Ben
That son of a bitch, w-wha-whoâs name was on that badge?
Olivia
Itâs murky. Hard to grasp. Serendipity is jumping from nether tree to nether tree- Oh! Oh! I think I have it. [straining] G. U. N. Oh, I canât see- D?
Ben
[angrily] I knnnew it.
Olivia
Take it with a grain of salt Ben- I mean, itâs just one version, from [laughingly] a marsupial no less.
Ben
He was an awesome. possum. I-I gotta step outside for a minute [chair squeak].
Sammy
While Ben takes a little break, letâs take a few callers.[door closing] Give us a call King Falls. Letâs talk about your dearly departed, uh, pets.
Olivia
Iâm ready.
Sammy
Line 4, youâre live with Sammy and Miss Olivia DuPont.
Troy
Gosh darn it, Sammy, Iâm really sorry to hear about Benâs little buddy.
Sammy
Iâm sure heâll appreciate the kind words Troy, Iâll be sure to pass them on buddy .
[police radio can be heard faintly in bg]
Troy
[solemn] Iâve got a confession to make that I ainât proud of. I⊠I was the reason for the demise of little Serendipity. Such a sweet little fella. I just didnât know he get taken away, yâknow? For good.
Sammy
Wait. Youâre the reason Serendipity was taken away?
Troy
Ah hells bells Sammy, I was the one that rolled over on Ben butâ I didnât mean for the little furry guy to get taken away! It was just a real kerfuffle on this end.
Sammy
This explains so much.
Troy
Me and Ben was best buddies coming up, Sammy. I didnât want to tell on him, but little Serendipity got frisky one day at lunch and sh[bleep] on one of the teacherâs Mexican pizza. Tough olâ Bodenheimer cornered me âcause she thought he was mine. Ben ainât never gonna forgive me and thatâs deserved.
[door closing]
Sammy
Thatâs all in the past Troy. Iâm sure- someday â
Ben
Sorry about that guys. Some-someday what?
Sammy
Oh, uh- y-you know- we-weâre just taking calls from listeners right now Ben. On the line weâve got- Troy.
Troy
[mournful] Hey Ben. Man I was listening to the program tonight, when I heard Miss DuPont pontificatinâ about the dead animals and suâ
Ben
[Hastily] Nowâs not the time Troy, especially from you!
Troy
Iâm hurtinâ something awful about Serendipity, buddy. How many times do I have to apologize to make it right?
Ben
Loose Lips Sink Ships, Troy, the ship of friendship. Have fun on the SS Backstabber. [click, dial tone] Line 1, youâre live on King Falls AM. Prepare your tissues.
Ron
Boys, I wonât keep you long. This question is for, Golden Owl? is that right?
Olivia
Yes.
Ron
Before my question maâam, you might want to work on that name. It might just be me, but it sounds like a sophisticated lemon party for birds.Not that Iâm against that sort of thing. Sh[bleep] even last nightâ
Sammy
Ron Begley, ladies and gents.
Ron
Alright I get it, enough foreplay. Brass tacks Miss Owl, how does it work if you didnât particularly own the pet, but you saw it as a kid, grew up near it, fed it, maybe had a puff the magic dragon relationship with it.
Ben
He wants to know if you can tap into your unending source of pain and find Kingsieâs parents. Maybe tell us how they were, harpooned by Japanese tourists in front of Kingsie as a baby and made into sashimi.
Olivia
Mr. Begley Iâm not sure if thatâs really in my wheelhouse, but perhaps if you introduce me to this Kingsie youâre referencing?
Ron
Well hell yeah! How can I get a hold of you to make an appointment?
Sammy
All of Miss DuPontâs information is on our website Ron, or you can check it out on twitter atâ
Ron
Yeah yeah, @, ampersand, hashtag, underscore, exclamation mark dot dot dot King Falls dot net. Shut your sweet little trap Sammy! I got it! Iâll be in touch soon Golden Owl. [mildly exasperated] But seriously, work on that name
[click, dial tone]
Ben
Other than, re-breaking everyoneâs hearts, Oliviaâ what do you get out of this?
Olivia
Iâm sorry for the troublesome story, Ben. Not all of them -hardly any of them- end so badly.
Ben
So Iâm just the lucky one.
Sammy
Benâ
Ben
Iâm so glad to hear that not everyoneâs pet got thrown out of a moving car and into Peace river and down the falls by Sheriff damn Gunderson. Thatâs the silver lining, right?
Olivia
If itâs true.
Ben
[skeptical] You get a lot of lying cats and dogs in your line of work, Olivia?
Olivia
[awkwardly] Notâ to my knowledge.
Ben
He did it.
Sammy
Okay, letâs not go making accusations it could have been any number of deputies, maybe even from a different county, I mean who can say?
Ben
[insistent] It was Gunderson, I just know it. He literally damn near spelled it out! Ask him to spell out the rest, Olivia.
Olivia
He saysss, *sigh* Golden Owl, your business license is up for renewal, so donât rock the boat?
Ben
BULL!
Sammy
*clears throat* Olivia, weâre gonna take another phone call here in a minute. Perhaps, uh, before that you could give us a light-hearted example of a run in with someoneâs, uh, expired creature.
Olivia
Well, there was this one encounter with Bruce the Stingray.
Sammy
[incredulously] A stingray. Now, whatâs a dead stingray got to talk about?
Olivia
Well, Steve Irwin[2] for one.
[KFAM outro]
[Credits]
REFERENCES:
[1] Teddy Ruxpin - Teddy Ruxpin is an animatronic children's toy in the form of a talking 'Illiop', a creature which looks like a bear. The creature's mouth and eyes move while "reading" stories played on an audio tape cassette deck built into its back.
[2] Steve Irwin - âThe Crocodile Hunterâ was an Australian zookeeper, television personality, wildlife expert, environmentalist and conservationist. Possibly best known for the show âThe Crocodile Hunterâ (1996â2007), an internationally broadcast wildlife documentary series, which he co-hosted with his wife Terri. They also co-owned and operated Australia Zoo, about 80 kilometres (50 mi) north of the Queensland state capital city of Brisbane. Steve died on September 4, 2006, after being pierced in the chest by a stingray barb while filming in Australia's Great Barrier Reef.
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King Falls AM - Episode 9: Jack in the Box Jesus
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Summary: September 1, 2015 - An alleged sighting of the Lord & Savior at a downtown fast food restaurant has the residents of King Falls ready for deliverance, meanwhile Sammy & Ben try to navigate the flood waters of this revelation.
[podcast intro music]
Mayor Grisham
Ladies and gentlemen, I promise you that while it is a terrible inconvenience that our modern electronics are outâ this is not the end of the world. It could be a refreshing change of pace! Instead of reading, on your tablet, go down to the King Falls library, and check out the real thing! Instead of texting your BFF, go enjoy some pancake puppies at Roseâs! and have a face-to-face chat. This isnât as bad as it seemsâ and it could be a blessing in disguise.
[KFAM intro music]
Sammy
Good morning guys and dolls, youâre listening to King Falls AMâ
Ben
âThatâs 660 on the radio dial.
Sammy
And this is day 13 of what has been dubbed the King Falls Electrolocaust.
Ben
This has easily been the hardest two weeks of my professional career.
Sammy
It has been tough, but Ben and I want to thank you, and everyone out there listening, for the continuing support of the show.
Ben
We got another doozy of a show for you tonight, King Falls. During hour two, weâll be interviewing Maria Chandler, manager of the King Falls Apple store, and speaking about the effects the shut down has had on business.
Sammy
As well as fielding your calls and talking about whateverâs clever this evening.
Ben
I miss computers, Sammy. I miss the schedule. Our automated systems, my alarm clock. Iâve went through three the legal pads in two weeks!
Sammy
[sympathetic] I know, buddy.
Ben
I would literally watch Channel 13 if given the chance.
Sammy
Wow. Thatâs saying a lot.
Ben
[softly] I need my life back.
Sammy
King Falls, how are you taking the modern electronic shut down of 2015? Are you refreshed? Reliving the mid-90s? Orâ are you falling apart like our dear Ben Arnold?
Ben
Iâd listen to boy bands, to have a working smartphone. Iâd wear, puka shell necklaces and sell my pog collection,[1] if you give me five minutes with my email.
Sammy
Look on the bright side, Ben. Youâre spending all your free time down at the library, and I havenât called you out on it!
Ben
Thatâs calling me out on it.
Sammy
Eh-Well- and you know itâs nice hearing the birds tweeting instead of @kingfallsam. Iâm not saying I donât miss it but, Iâm enjoying this a little bit.
Ben
â«Itâs tearing up my heart when Iâm with yoouuâ«[2]
Sammy
The references are not gonna bring back your goods.
Ben
[hurt] Dammit Sammy, letâs just take a call from our jury-rigged phone system.
[bg music being provided by Chetâs record player]
Sammy
Youâre live with Sammy and Ben.
Cynthia
Yeeaah, I wanna talk about the outages.
Sammy
Cynthia Higgenbaum, ladies and gents. How are you doing during this electronic crisis?
Cynthia
[blissful] I feel the warm embrace of the chastity belt thatâs been placed on society. Iâm relieved, de-stressed, marvelous!
Ben
*chuckling* Whoa, heh, thatâs- thatâs a heck of a change!
Cynthia
[suddenly aggressive] What are you trying to say, Ben?
Sammy
Itâs just youâre usually- youâve been a little⊠pessimistic in the past.
Cynthia
[mostly calm again] Ohhh, I still have problems; Iâm full up with issues. But right now, I donât have to worry about what websites my husband is perusing, what brain-dead TV my kids are watchingâ Iâm at peace! Itâs just me and my harlequin novels. Plus, with Jesus back and allâ
Ben
[jokingly suggestive] 50 Shades of Cynthia
Cynthia
[angrily] Donât be filthy Ben Arnold! I Know Your Mother!
Sammy
I-Iâm sorry, Cynthiaâ did you just say that Jesus is back?
Cynthia
[gossipy tone] Have you guys not heard the news?
Ben
Is she talking about Jesus Jesus?
Cynthia
Thereâs only one.
Sammy
Wellll, I think Mexico would disagree, but please tell us why you think Jesusâ
Cynthia
[snappy] I donât think Sammy, I know! [softer] Earlier this evening, he was spotted glowing and speaking in tongues at Jack in the Box.[3]
Ben
The one off Main Street or Red Oak Avenue?
Cynthia
Ew, nobody does to Red Oak.
Sammy
[softly] Jack-in-the-Box-Jesus.
Cynthia
Oh, Hell no! I will not participate in that blasphemy. Youâre gonna get smitedâ
Sammy
Oh, I- I mean- I wasnât- Iâm sorry, Iâm not meaning to, uhâ
Cynthia
Tell it to Satan! In Hell, Sammy! [hangs up forcefully]
[dial tone]
Ben
This is big.
Sammy
[slightly reluctant] If you or someone you know has had a sighting of *clears throat, Ben laughs* Jack in the Box Jesus please give us a call. Uh, 424-279-3858
Ben
Youâre on King Falls AM.
Deputy Troy
Now I know what youâre thinking: how could the second coming of Godâs only son happen and olâ Troy here didnât clue you in.
Ben
Not what I was thinking.
Sammy
What do you know Troy?
Deputy Troy
Well I got a suspicious persons call out at olâ Yack[sic] in the Box around 9. So, I hit the lights and cruised over to see what the fuss was about. And lo and behold, back by the dumpster with a mess of people looking onâ there he was.
Sammy
Now, are you really telling us thatâ [still reluctant] you saw, or, you believe you saw the son of God and the King of Kings bangin around outside the Jack In The Box?
Deputy Troy
Well, he was a man. Somebodyâs son, no doubt. Bearded. Good lookinâ, if-if youâre into that sort of thing. He had a robe onâ
Ben
[cutting in]We can solve this right now. Was he white or was he black?
Deputy Troy
He was more of a greenish color. Like a glow really.
Sammy
The man had an aura around him.
Deputy Troy
It was shinier than a damn Fukushima foxhound, fellas. Like, I felt a need to put on the old aviators, but I- I didnât want to be clichĂ©.
Sammy
Alright, Troy. So, work with us here; youâre in the back of the Jack in the Box, thereâs a uh, a Jesus-type guyâ
Deputy Troy
Just-a-ramblinâ on.
Ben
Speaking inâ tongues?
Deputy Troy
Speaking in somethin. The last time I heard gibberish like that was cominâ from the back of my Chevy with Shell Snyderâs daughter.
Sammy
So what happened next?
Deputy Troy
Well a group of looky-loos had descended, as I said, and since it was only me, there was no perimeter set up yet. So I start ta approach this glowing Christ and somebodyâ Roy Higgins if you gotta know/â hollered out âItâs Jesus!â and the whole parking lot just went bonkers!
Ben
Well, di-did you speak to the guy?
Deputy Troy
Damn skippy. I told Roy that this was official police biz. And he shouldnât be squawling around like a little baby.
Ben
No, Jack in the Box Jesus.
Deputy Troy
Oh, well no. I- I turned around and he was gone. Split right off into the woods, I suspect.
Sammy
Did you follow him?
Deputy Troy
Sammy. So youâre tellin me that youâd follow a 6-foot-tall and glowing perp into the woods??
Sammy
[muttered] Point taken.
Ben
So any other sightings?
Deputy Troy
Well, not as of yet. But there were so many people they couldâa had a revival in that parkinâ lot. So Iâm guessinâ thatâs how word spread so quickly. And without internet, too? Thatâs pretty damn impressive.
Sammy
Is there an APB out or anything?
Deputy Troy
For what, dilly-dallying around with a jumbo jack? He wasnât doin nothin bad. Just acting a foolâ Lord forgive meâ where he shouldnâtâa been.
Ben
And glowing.
Deputy Troy
Thatâs right.
Sammy
Well, please let us know if get any more info on this, Troy. Weâd appreciate it.
Deputy Troy
You bet. Iâll be sure to keep you boys and the listeninâ public informed. But if you should happen to stumble upon Jesus? Do not approach, bother or pester. You just call up Olâ Deputy Troy.
[hangs up]
Ben
âŠor your local church. [dial tone]
Sammy
Deputy Troy, ladies and gents. Now weâre just going to take a quick break and hear from one of our new sponsors: Carlâs Candy!
Ben
Yeah I don- I donât think we should play this
Sammy
What? Ads pay the bills remember?
Ben
Folks, as a workaround with all the tech issues, uh, I went out and recorded a few spots of some of our sponsors- uh, new and old. Emphasis on Old, after this one.
Sammy
Okay, so the audio is bad.
Ben
*sucks in breath* You could say that.
Sammy
This companyâs paid up! Theyâre scheduled in one of your many notebooks. Letâs do this. Weâll be right back folks.
[slow, creepy xylophone music]
Carl
[voice is soft and creepy, like you expect from a guy who offers kids candy from the back of a van]
Do you know why they call it a blow pop? I sure do. And if you come on down to Creepy Carlâs Candy, Iâll fill ya up! I mean in. [whispering] Itâll be our little secret.- A sweet tooth is a terrible thing to waste. Come find a new sugar daddy to butter your fingers at Creepy Carlâs! Come in and grab a sack of Carlâs Boston baked beans while youâre at it. Oops, one fell in my pocket. Free if you can find it! *Ben groaning âoh noâ* Every childâs welcome at Creepy Carlâs, big mouths, small mouths, white mouths and brown mouths. Weâre equal opportunity! And just cause they shut down the olâ brick and mortar doeânât mean you canât buy it from my van. Be sure to ask your parentsâ permission first, kids. Creepy Carlâs Candy, where the suckers donât suck themselves. [Police sirens]
Deputy Troy
[through megaphone] Carl, turn off your ignition. You are too close to the school zone.
Carl
I gotta go! Catch ya later [tires squealing]
Ben
[desperate, in bg] The mic!
[sirens fade out]
Sammy
⊠Never again.
Ben
I tried to tell you.
Sammy
I know. Letâs never speak about this.
Ben
[whispering] I need a shower.
Sammy
*sigh* âŠMoving forward, we were just talking about a sighting that happened a few hours ago around the 9 oâclock hour, just off Main Street. It seems quite a few people believe that we may be experiencing a religious phenomenon. Perhaps the second coming ofâ
Ben
[slightly gruff impression] âDonât call it a comeback, Iâve been here for years!â[4]
Sammy
*chuckles* Right, letâs go to the phone lines.
Ben
[happily] That was good though right?
Sammy
It was good. Good evening, youâre live on King Falls AM.
Reverend Hawthorne
Ask and ye shall receive! King Falls-uh. It is the gooD Reverend Xavier âRight. With. Gaawwd-uhâ Hawthorne.
Ben
Reverend Hawthorne? Are you back in town?
Reverend Hawthorne
[speaking over Ben] The One and Only, and we are turninâ the wagons arounD as we speaK-uh. And weâre headinâ back to my flocK-uh. Howâre yâall feelinâ tonighT, King Falls- I said How are you, Feelinâ!
Sammy
[softly] Weâre feeling alright.
Reverend Hawthorne
Praise GoD-uh! Hallelujah! Now a little birdie, uh-just chirpân on my shoulder, told me there was a SighTing. A Vision. Dare I say it, eyeballs were laid on our Lord and Saviour at a burger joint in our fair city.
Sammy
Yeah, about 9 oâclock here.
Reverend Hawthorne
Could it Be-uh! that our 5-week-revival worked. Could it Be-uh! that our prayers have been brought forth the lamb of God-uh. Can I get an amen!
Ben
Reverend Hawthorne weâ
Reverend Hawthorne
Amen! This miracle-uh, this sight from our God-uh, perched on a Mountain of Sanctity, says that he is ready to lead-uh, his most Highly Favored, Congregation bacK to the promised land. Gimme some organ, Deacon Reggie [organ music begins playing in bg]
Sammy
[aside] Do you think Reggie has to wheel that thing around just in case?
Ben
This is getting good.
Reverend Hawthorne
Play it dirty, brother. We are going Home-uh. Take us back to Calvary, take us BACK-uh! ⊠Samuel, Benjamin may I ask you gentlemen if you have a relationship-uh with the Author of the E-ternal Sal-vation; [organ goes silent] [softly] are ya saved?
Sammy
Iâmâ
Reverend Hawthorne
Then let me tell yâall, [organ starts again] because if you arenât-uh, Iâm coming back to town. One weekend only, the Xavier âRight with GoD-uhâ Hawthorne Experience will be wheelinâ bacK into King Falls Fairgrounds this very night-uh. We are hoping to get One- On- One with the Risen Christ and start preparinâ for Kingdom Come. But just like old Xavier, you gotta come on down-uh so we can get you TurnT uP With GoD-uh. [click, dial tone]
Sammy
Xavier? Hello?
Ben
Heâs, gone. Sammy.
Sammy
Well, you heard it here first folks. Xavier Hawthornâs Travelling Roadshow is coming back to town. Will Jack in the Box Jesus make his stage debut?
Ben
[muttering] Tch- Jesus.
Sammy
Literally.
Ben
Do you think we could get an interview? Would it be Mr. Christ? Or-
Sammy
Something tells me that there is something more to the story than what weâve heard so far, Ben.
Ben
Tsk. I get that, but this is King Falls, Sammy.
Sammy
What a perfect place to make a return: a rinky-dink town with no internet.
Ben
Line- [muttered] dammit, thereâs only one line. Uh, youâre on with Sammy and Ben.
Archie
Good eveninâ fellas!
[small dogs barking in bg]
Sammy
Is thi-
Archie
Itâs Archie Simmons!
Ben
He-ey Archie, howâs Princess Von Barktooth?
Archie
Well, I do have news concerninâ the princess, and I just want to possibly recant some info from our previous call a few weeks back.
Sammy
About the werewolves?
Archie
Correct.
Sammy
Wow. I mean, you sounded pretty convinced that you saw a werewolf.
Archie
And now Iâm saying that maybe I was misinformed.
Sammy
I think you should probably tell Troy and the Sheriffâs Office, Archie.
Archie
*giggles* You silly Sally, Troyâs on his way over now
Ben
Why the change of heart, Archie?
Archie
Well, new information has come to light boys, I mean with the Divine One making his triumphant, and letâs be honest, dramatic return to King Falls.
Sammy
Youâre talking about the glowing man at the Jack in the Box?
Archie
[softly] Letâs be real here, itâs the J-Man, of course a heavenly carpenter would pick King Falls. So many projects to keep busy with.
Sammy
[dryly] Uh-huh.
Archie
Plus, with the princess and this new information, we have to believe this.
Ben
You keep saying that, whatâs going on with the princess Archie?
Archie
Sheâs in a delicate condition.
Sammy
Oh, of course. I mean sheâs been through a lot.
Archie
*giggles* No Sammy, I mean sheâs with child. Ch-children. Puppies? Thereâs a bun in my $2400 oven boys!
Sammy
Wait. Sheâs pregnant? From the werewolf attack?!
Archie
[softly again] Well, thatâs the thing. While I believed in my heart of hearts that the hillbilly beast from the trailer park had gotten to the princess, I thinkâŠ
Ben
What. What do you think Archie?
Archie
I mean it was dark, I know it was a full moon but I was scared and recently awakened, sleep in my eyes etc. and so on.
Sammy
You donât think it was the werewolves.
Archie
Iâm thinking with this new evidence and the fact that I saw a long-haired, bearded man in a Biblical Actâ Yeah I-I- I think- thereâs a chance it could have been [whispering] the man upstairs.
Ben
[stern] Upstairs from whom?
Archie
Mankind! Come on Ben, get with the picture!
Sammy
Heâs saying that because thereâs been a holy sighting tonight- which we should all be a little bit doubtful of- then maybe it wasnât the werewolves, but the Alpha and the Omega.
Ben
No! NO WA- Thatâs too much, Archie. You saw the werewolf. He looked you in the eye and howled at the moon.
Archie
I donât know what kind of weird things Jesus is into.
Ben
No way. This is ludicrous.
Archie
You just wait and see Ben! The princess may have lost her Westminster dreams, but it was all part of Godâs plan.
Ben
Weâve got to go Archie *laughs* youâre crossing a line that we cannot cross at King Falls AM.
Archie
Judge Not, lest ye be judged boys. Kardashians[sic] 3:16 or a Psalm or something. I think Troyâs coming around the bend anyways boys, laters!
[click, dial tone]
Sammy
You know? When I walk in the door every night I say to myself, âNothingâs gonna surprise me tonightâ And more times than not, I am just Dead Wrong.
Ben
Letâs give the phone a rest for a moment, Sammy, the record player is just begging to be used.
Sammy
*chuckles* Not a bad idea Ben.
[phone pings]
Ben
What? *gasps* My phone! [several pings] OHH itâs back baby!
Sammy
Me too! Whatâs going on?
[pinging continues]
Ben
Whatâs up! Oh my God, I could literally kiss the apparition of Steve Jobs.
Sammy
Hey, Iâve got a text here, Unknown Number.
Ben
Okay, what does it say?
Sammy
âI- I know why this happened. I know how to stop it. We need to talkâ
Ben
What?
Sammy
No, thatâs what the text said.
Ben
You donât think this has anything to do with⊠Thank You, Jesus.
[KFAM outro]
[CREDITS]
References:
[1] Pogs - Pogs, generically called milk caps, is a game that was popular among children during the early-mid 1990s. The name pog originates from POG, a brand of juice made from passionfruit, orange, and guava; the use of POG bottle caps to play the game preceded the game's commercialization.
[2] âItâs tearinâ up my heart when Iâm with youâ - Lyrics to the song âTearinâ Up My Heartâ by NSYNC, an American boy band from the mid-90s
[3] Jack in the Box - American fast food chain, primarily along the west coast and southern states.
[4] âDonât call it a comeback, Iâve been here for yearsâ - lyrics to the song âMama Said Donât Knock You Outâ by LL COOL J (also came out in the 90s)
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King Falls AM - Episode Eight: Electrolocaust Now
View on Google Docs
Summary: August 15, 2015 - Sammy & Ben have planned a tribute to King Falls AM's resident jazz legend Chet Sebastian, however an impromptu, and selective power failure, takes out most of the station's broadcast tools, leaving the boys to fend for themselves.
[podcast intro music]
[KFAM intro music]
Sammy
Good evening, King Falls. Youâre listening to 660 on the radio dial and Iâve gotta tell you, weâve got a heck of a show this evening. Weâre paying tribute to King Fallsâ musical legend and Benâs old boss, jazz maestro Chet Sebastian. Weâll be discussing [static/buzz] 40 years ofâ [sound of things powering down]
Ben
[confused] What the hell?
Sammy
Uhâ W-what did I touch?
Ben
I donât think it was you. [sound of Ben getting up]
Sammy
Sorry, ladies and gents. It seems weâre having a slight technical difficulty here. Uh- ye- hey, my computerâs down, Ben.
Ben
Yeah mine too. Sammy, I donât know if they can even hear us. We might be⊠out out.
Sammy
*sigh* Well, okay then. Uh. Weâre live and weâre winging it, folks!
Ben
[smugly] Au contraire, my friend! You should know: Iâve got a backup plan. And a backup for the backup plan.
Sammy
[incredulous] Uh-huh.
Ben
Lemme just pull out- the- [rustling] trustyâ smartphone, aaandâ [dull clatter]
Sammy
And?
Ben
Itâs off.
Sammy
Well.*laugh/huff* Good thing youâve got a backup for this.
Ben
Itâs⊠an expression. Weâre, *anxious sigh* weâre flying blind, Sammy. Check your phone.
Sammy
Itâs, uh, it, it is off, uh, let me guess, the ghostâsorry, apparitionâ
Ben
Thank you.
Sammy
Of Marconi[1] just visited the station and just decided to start yanking wires.
Ben
Maybe Merv forgot to pay the electric bill.
Sammy
The lights, the mics, itâs not electricity, this is selective. [disgruntled] Uh, you know, but thanks for being so cheap and old, Merv, it may have spared 660 from the wrath of Skynet.
Ben
Yeah, the boardâs lit up and so are the phones. I, I donât get it.
Sammy
King Falls, have you gotten whacked by this random and seemingly mischievous power outage?? Uh, you, youâve heard our story, letâs hear uh- wait, can they hear us?
Ben
Good call. [sound of Ben getting up]
Sammy
I, I donât understand why some of this stuff is working and some of it is out! [slightly desperate] What are we doing, Ben? Y-yâ [radio interference in bg] Nowâs not the time to go rogue!
Ben
[in bg] Radios are working, Sammy. [closer] Weâre live.
Sammy
*sigh* Well, youâre hearing our story right now, King Falls, letâs hear yours. If youâve got a phone thatâs- working, give us a call or tweet us @KingFallsAMâ
Ben
Canât check the Twitter.
Sammy
Damn it! *sigh* Letâs take a call, Ben.
Ben
But- the- schedule!
Sammy
Dude, what schedule?! The one locked in the computer that zoinked out, or the one thatâs locked in our iPhone that wonât power up?
Ben
[muttered]Damn your logic. Line one!
Sammy
Youâre live on the air with Sammy and Ben. Hope youâre well on this weird-ass evening.
Line 1
[slightly suggestively]Hey, Shotgun!
Sammy
*exasperated sigh* Hey, man. Whatâs your name again?
Line 1
Not important! *chuckles* I-I jusht wanted to check in with my favorite AM radio hosht and tell you youâre coming in loud and clear on my end. Loud and clear! Ha ha! Haaa. [realizing] Am I on the air?
Ben
Youâre live, sir.
Sammy
So how are things in your neck of the woods? Any technology issues? Things not powering up and on for you?
Line 1
Not a problem in the world, Shotgun, ha ha.
Ben
Is he gonna keep calling youâ
Line 1
Shotguuunn Shammyyyyy
Sammy
*sigh* Was there anything in particular you needed?
CALLER
Thatâsh it! Love the show. SHOTGUN SAMMYYY!!!!
[click, dial tone]
Ben
[curiously] What did you do in your past life, Sammy?
Sammy
[muttered] You donât even want to know.
Ben
*snickers* Line seven, good evening, youâre on King Falls AM.
Line 7
[guy sounds stoned] Hey Ben, hey Sammy, you dudes doing okay up there?
Sammy
All things considered, weâre doing well! Uh, and who are we speaking with?
Doyle
Ohh-h-h, this is Doyle. Doyle Bevins, out in Hollybrook Estates.
Ben
Hey, Doyle. You having any issues with your computers? smartphone? what-have-you?
Doyle
Oh, yeah! âBout- âbout five minutes ago, all my toys just shut off. TV, âputer, phone. Sounded like a transformer just shut doowwwn.
Sammy
Oh! So you had a transformer blow up by you! A- y- câ you know, could that have caused that way up here, Ben?
Ben
Iâ
Doyle
Oh, no, nothing like that! Like- like it was Bumblebee[2] powering down like a [gutteral] guchuchuhh aguchuchuhhh.
Sammy
âŠOhâŠ
Ben
Right. Regardless, Hollybrook is a good five miles outside of town. I donât know if that wouldâa hit us.
Sammy
Doyle, thanks for calling in and letting us know whatâs going on with ya.
Doyle
Oh, sure thing, bro, but. *chuckles* Thatâs not why I caallled.
Ben
Oh! Uhhh, o-okay.
Sammy
Whatâs on your mind tonight, Doyle?
Doyle
Well, before all this new age funky-junk started, I was having some really crazy stuff going on here in the apartment.
Sammy
Crazy stuff? Uh, wh-w-what kind of stuff?
Doyle
Supernatural stuff.
Ben
Iâve got nothing, Iâve never heard of anything going on in Hollybrook.
Doyle
Ohohoh, it is in-sane, Ben. Itâs like Iâm living in some sorta Cybertronian spacecraft.
Sammy
Cybertroneâ I- Iâm not familiar wiâ Ben?
Ben
Itâs a Transformers reference. Itâs not real.
Doyle
Hey. Itâs real, Ben.
Sammy
Can you give us an example?
Ben
Without referencing a Mike Bay movie.
Doyle
Sure thing, bro. So, Iâve got this toaster, right?
Ben
Mm-hmm?
Doyle
Sometimesâ late at nightâ BOOM! Itâll pop up the scariest damn thing you ever laid eyyes onn.
Sammy
So it makes the noise like when the bread is done.
Doyle
Ghost Toast, boyyys. It popsâ but ainât nothinâ there.
Ben
Doyle⊠Weâre gonna take another call.
Doyle
Ohohoho! not good enough for you, Ben, not Spooky-Kooky enough, huh? Iâll do you one betterr.
Ben
[dryly] Youâd have to.
Doyle
Sometimesâ late at nightâ my fridge starts making this Scary humminâ noise, like HUMMMUMUMUMâ
Sammy
Doyle.
Doyle
âMUM HUMUMUMUM-HUHHHâ
Sammy
Doyle.
Doyle
âMUMM HUUMMUMUHUH-UH-UH-KUHâ *coughing* *clearing throat* You get it.
Sammy
Doyle. Are you only experiencing this phenomenon with your appliances?
Doyle
[impatiently] Ca- can I finish, Sammy? Is that- is that cool? Can I finish?
Sammy
Iâm sorry, of course.
Doyle
Alright. So like I said, itâs just a hurmming so [quietly, sharing-a-secret-like] I sneak in the kitchen, all Vatican assassin-like. [louder] Sling open the doorâ ACRACKACHOW! â ainât nothing happening, boys. Mayo and mustard just looking at me like they wanna hop on a sanndwich.
Sammy
[âyouâre crazy and iâm gonna goâ] Alright, Doyle. Weâre gonna take another call. Please be careful out there, with the appliances and such.
Doyle
Hey, do yâall want me to make a video and send it? *scoff* Pft-Duh! Maybe the electronics are zapped so I canât prove it, man! Itâs a big old vicious circle, bros!
[click, dial tone]
Ben
Dear God.
Sammy
Take care, Doyle. *sigh* Line nine, youâre on with Sammy and Ben.
Creeper
[creepy guy from episode 2 who calls to âlisten to Sammyâ]Long-time listener here!â Second-time caller.
Sammy
[click, dial tone] Nope! Not tonight. I donât want that. Letâs go ahead and take liiineâŠ
Ben
*pointedly clears throat*
Sammy
Uh- yes, Ben?
Ben
Huhhh, wel- ah- we- we- we need to- play an ad, Sammy.
Sammy
Play an ad? You know the computers are off, right?
Ben
Mhmm.
Sammy
Donât look at me like that! Donât even think it!
Ben
*whispers*God. [singing to the tune of âIf Youâre Happy and You Know Itâ] â«Whenn- Youâre- Hunngry and you know it come to Roseâs!â«
Sammy
No.
Ben
â«If youâre starvinâ and itâs showin come to Roseâs!â«
Sammy
Ben, please.
Ben
â«Weâve got waffles and cranapplesââ«
Sammy
Beenn!
Ben
Iâm just trying to make sure that the clients get their moneyâs worth?
Sammy
I understand that, but you know what? thereâs no better way to do that than talking about just how delicious Roseâs Diner can be. Personally, Iâm one for the country breakfast. What do you get down there at Roseâs?
Ben
Umm, well itâs a fact you just- canât beat Roseâs fresh doughnuts.
Sammy
And from what Troy has told us, they make a mean bagel as well!
Ben
Iâve been going to Roseâs all my life? Never had a bad meal there, not one!
Sammy
You know, I canât tell you how many times Iâve stopped by for a great meal and good conversation. So if youâre in the neighborhood, just passing through, or wanna feel at home away from home, stop by Roseâs Diner! Right off the interstate.
Ben
Exit 44.
Sammy
There you go.
Ben
Youâre good and Iâm hungry. [quietly] Man, I could go for the signature pancake puppies.
Sammy
Whatever stops that singinâ.
Ben
Okay, pleaâI- Iâll have you know, Mr. Sheffield cast me as the lead in King Falls High Schoolâs rendition of Grease.
Sammy
Alright, Zuko[3], well letâs take some calls! Good evening, youâre on withâ
CALLER
[static/interference]
Ben
TIM!
Sammy
Ca-can you hear us, Tim?
Pete
Sorry, sorry let me turn my radio down.
Sammy
[quietly, disappointed] False alarm.
Ben
What do you want, Pete?
Pete
This isnât Pete! My name isss⊠Escobar. And I wanted to tell you that this is the absolute worst broadcast in the history of radio. You two oughta be ashamed!
Sammy
Weâre just trying to make the best of a bad situation, Pete.
Pete
Escobar!
Ben
I thought you werenât ever listening to King Falls AM again, Pete.
Pete
Iâm not listening! Iâm assuming.
Sammy
Well you know what they say when you assume something, right, Pete?
Pete
ES. CO. BARRRIBA!
Ben
Donât you have some mowing or clipping up to do at Beauregardâs manor?
Pete
Racist! But you know dang well no one goes up there after sundown! Ese?
Ben
So you admit your employer is a vampire. Hmm. Interesting.
Pete
I didnât say- I didnât- I didnât say that! I just donât wanna whack a weed that ainât a weed! Benâ start living right. All that scary stuffâs fryinâ yer brain.
Sammy
Pete. Escobar. Do you have a reason for calling?
Pete
Alright, pushy! Alright, you know what? I swear, I ainât listening to you ever again, you brow-beating ruffians! Nunca! Nunca, now, I tell ya. [click]
[dial tone]
Sammy
Itâs gonna be a long night.
[sound of electrical powering down]
Ben
Look at the phone lines! We dropped all the calls. Li- line one? Hello? ⊠Youâre on with King Falls. Ugh, Nothing. We canât fill four hours like this, Sammy.
Sammy
Iâve got an idea! Gimme your keys, Ben.
[rustling]
Ben
This canât be good.
Sammy
Be right back!
Ben
Sammy!
[footsteps running away, door closing]
Ben
[singing] â«Strandeeed at the drive iin, braannded a fooolâ«[4]⊠Yeah, I still got it. Okay folks, just uhhâ lemme just check to see if our regular phones are working, make a little call out. [muttering] What is this, a rotary phone? Sheesh!
[sound of a rotary phone being dialed, ringing]
Emily
Hello?
Ben
Hey, Emily, itâs Ben! H- I hope I didnât wake you!
Emily
Not at all, Iâm listening. Whatâs going on with the show? and the electronics?
Ben
I know, right? I- I just wanted to make sure you were *sniffs* Oh! uh, hey, weâre live, by the way.
Emily
As live as can be, right?
Ben
Right. *awkward laugh* But, yeah, I just wanted to make sure you were okay with all theâ weirdness happening tonight.
Emily
Iâm fine! Thanks for thinking of me. Good thing Iâve got a land line, I guess.
Ben
[awkwardly] If you didnât I wouldâve had to, come over to check.
Emily
Oh really? âŠThatâs an interesting thought!
Ben
Huh-h- mm- yeah. Y-you know, to- make sure that youâre safe and sound. Like a gentleman?
Emily
Oh, of course.
Ben
Oh! Uh, so, the other reason I called: um, in all your studies or research, do you ever recall any kind of electronic or- or electromagnetic pulses here in the Falls?
Emily
Not to my knowledge. Obviously, Iâll dig more into this later today at the library, but itâs new I think. [door closing in bg] Lucky us!
Ben
Lucky us.
[footsteps quickly coming closer]
Sammy
Alright! whatâd I miss?
Emily
Hi, Sammy!
Sammy
Hi, Emily! ⊠Hope youâre doing alright tonight.
Ben
Hey, Iâll, uh, call you later, okay?
Emily
Sounds like a plan!
Ben
Night! [click, dial tone] Donât look at me like that, Sammy.
Sammy
[clearly amused and judging Ben] Ah-I didnât say a word. Crazy power outages and electrical malfunctionsâ do you call your mom first? Your brother? Nope! You call your local librarian, Emily Potter.
Ben
So?
Sammy
So itâs cute!
Ben
Whatever. W-w-what are you up to over there?
Sammy
Well, this is a record player, borrowed from Mr. Chet Sebastianâs office. This is not how we planned the evening, but, thank you, Chet!
Ben
And?
Sammy
Well, I figure since our fancyâ new, high and mighty tech is out, then weâll just have to bring back some old trusty, reliable stuff to pass the time.
Ben
Itâs a little telling that most of our broadcast equipment hasnât gotten shut down.
Sammy
Merv, take a note. Upgrade our WKRP radio shack so we can take a night off when everything goes belly-up, huh?
Ben
Let me mic that thing up.
[sound of needle on record]
Sammy
Alright ladies and gents, youâre listening to King Falls AM, thatâs 660 on the radio dial. With me as always is my co-host Ben Arnold and this? This is a little Chet Sebastian jazz to help you through this weird-ass night. Thanks for being a legend, sir.
[jazz music plays]
[CREDITS]
References:
[1] Marconi - Guglielmo Giovanni Maria Marconi, 1st Marquis of Marconi FRSA was an Italian inventor and electrical engineer, known for his pioneering work on long-distance radio transmission, development of Marconi's law, and a radio telegraph system. He is credited as the inventor of radio.
[2] Bumblebee - designation B-127, is a fictional robot superhero in the many continuities in the Transformers franchise. One of the most well known characters from the Transformers.
[3] Zuko - Danny Zuko is the male lead from the popular movie Grease.
[4] âStranded at the drive-inâ - from âAlone at a Drive-In Movieâ, one of Zukoâs songs in Grease
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King Falls AM - Episode 7: Major Tom to Ground Control
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Summary: August 1, 2015 - The boys at King Falls AM receive a phone call from a familiar voice that sends the show, as well as the residents of King Falls, into an uproar.
[podcast intro music]
Sammy
And thanks so much to Vernon from Vernonâs Vermin Vestibule for that thorough and intense interview.
Ben
And those slides he brought in! I- I d- I didnât need to see that.
Sammy
You and me both, Ben. So, changing gears here, weâre just gonna take a quick pause for the cause. Weâll be right back to take your calls, King Falls. [quietly] (So much rhyming) â 424-279-3858.
[classical music]
Beauregard
Ladies and gentlemen, I am Howard Ford Beauregard III, and I implore you, dare I say demand that you turn off this radio station post-haste. King Falls AM used to be a place you could trust your ears to. Wholesome, family-oriented, fair and balanced. Now itâs ran by dirty, lying filth mongerers[sic] spreading rumor and dissent throughout our peaceful community. Samuel Stevens and Benjamin Arnold should be proclaimed Public Enemy Number One. In all my years, all my familyâs years in our idyllic town, I canât recall anyone being allowed to disparage our good name so open and freely and till the fertile lands of distrust⊠Friends, please heed my advice and turn off this impurity. Let me save you from the mire and muck King Falls AM fills you with. Do yourself a favor. Go outside, breathe the fresh mountain air, go read a book! Perhaps an e-book! more so, the e-book âKing of King Fallsâ by yours truly. Be well, compatriots!
End this transmission Celestia!
[KFAM theme]
Sammy
You gotta be sh[bleep]ng me.
Ben
I hate that guy but ads pay the bills, Sammy.
Sammy
Weâre not gonna have bills without a show, Ben!
Ben
[light and disingenuous] You donât think this has anything to do with him coming in the studio a few weeks back, do you?
Sammy
[sarcastic and annoyed] Oh, of course not, whatever could have put that bee in his bonnet.
Ben
Iâm just saying maybe he hated us before we kicked him out of the studio and insinuated he was the Lord Vampire.
Sammy
*sigh* Moving forwardâ
Ben
Board is lit up, Sammy! Letâs take some calls. Youâre live on King Falls AM
Caller
[Definitely Pete Myers doing a very bad snooty voice] Samuel Stevens, Benjamin Arnold.
Sammy
[muttered]Oh this is gonna be goodâ uh, youâre live.
Caller
You two heathens can kiss my ass and this listener goodbye. Treating Mr. Beauregard like that! I will never listen to this filth again! [pronounced âa-gAYnâ]
Ben
[petulant] Go watch Channel 13 then! We donât want you to listen!
Sammy
[voice-of-reason]Ben, donât take it personally. Obviously Beauregard is a⊠trusted personality in this town, and heâs- gonna have some sway with people, [harsher] but itâs funny weâve not had one complaint in the two weeks since that crackpot was on the show.
Ben
Power of media man, bringing out all these sheeple.
Sammy
Alright, line eight, welcome to King Falls â
Line 8
Beauregardâs right, this is filth!
Sammy
Okay, sir, what exactly is the issue with the show?
Line 8
Youâre muckrakers! I donât recall King Falls being so damn torn apart before you came into town, Sammy!
Sammy
Iâm just doing my job! I was hired to fill this time slot with news and information thatâ
Ben
[cutting him off] Who is this?
Line 8
None aâ ya damn business, Ben!
Ben
Pete Meyers? Come on, man!
Pete
N- noo. Is not!
Ben
Yeah, it is. Wâ Would you like to explain to everyone why Beauregardâs gardener is calling in?
Pete
Donât go working your voodoo on me, alright? Iâm just statinâ my opinion. Iâm never listening to 660 again. [quickly] King of King Falls, buy the ebook! [click]
[dial tone]
Sammy
Folks, weâre open minded here on 660. We listen to you and talk about the things that you care about. Iâm sorry if a vocal minority that weâve offended butâ
Ben
Line four, youâre live with Sammy and Ben.
Tim
[feedback] [audio broken and distorted] Is thIS King FaLls AM?
Sammy
Youâre live, sir.
[feedback]
Ben
Whoa! Uh, the feedback! Uh tur- t-turn off your radio, sir.
[deep, unnatural thrumming behind feedback]
Sammy
Ah, you know, I hate to do this, but that feedback is just too much. Give us a call back andâ
Tim
[worried, thereâs a slight echo to his voice] DOnâ- donât hANg up. PleASE doNât hang Up!
Sammy
Who is this?
Tim
I-itâs Tim- Itâs Ti-TiM JE-Nsen?
Ben
Tim! Where are you?!
Tim
[feedback] He-EL-LO?
Sammy
Tim, can you hear us? Youâre on with Sammy and Ben. Are you okay?!
Tim
Iâm aLI-IVe. PLEase teLL mY wI-IFe thAT I â
Ben
Youâre breaking up, Tim. Uh where- where are you? Weâll come to get you right nowâ
Tim
Iâm okA-aY, plEaSe donât StoP-Pâ
Sammy
[hurried] Ben can you callâ
Ben
[on it] Troyâs on hold.
Tim
TheYâRe- thEyâRE doINâ so M-Any oPEr-a-ATioNs O-n m-E. Please Help m-eE.
[sound starts, a high pitched buzz, growing in volume, like a racecar accelerating, this repeats for the rest of the call, louder each time]
Sammy
Tell us where you are, Tim. Weâll send help immediately.
[buzz is louder than voices]
Ben
Tim!
Tim
I love my wife, Mary. I miss my kids⊠King Falls, please hELp mEEE!
[noise stops leaving just static]
Sammy
[almost shouting] Tim! Tim, can you hear us?
[dial tone]
Ben
[softly] Heâs gone⊠Deputy Troy, youâre live.
Deputy Troy
I heard him, fellas. Without a shadow of a doubt, that was Tim.
Sammy
I- you know I d- I donât know what to make of it, Troy, is there anything you can do?
Deputy Troy
Ben texted me all the info he had on the call butâ It ainât making any sense. Has he called since, yâknow, the uh, the disappearance?
Sammy
Not to us I- you know, I just couldnât make out a lot of what he was saying.
Ben
Lot of interference from something. Or⊠someone.
Sammy
He said Mary, right?
Ben
You think we shouldâ?
Sammy
Oh God, no. God. We wouldnât wanna put that poor lady on the spot with something like this. I mean sheâs just been through so much alreadyâ [slightly desperate] I mean, that could have been anyone, right?
Ben
That was Tim, Sammy.
Deputy Troy
I wish there were something more we could do, boys, but- I donât even know where to start. I was just listening to the show in Roseâs Diner and⊠I couldnât believe it. [police radio can be heard faintly in the bg] Dollars to donuts, dispatch is gonna be lightinâ up tonight, boys. Iâm gonna go finish my French cruller and make the rounds. Iâll catch you later, boys.
[click, dial tone]
Sammy
[somberly] Line one, youâre on King Falls AM.
Cynthia
Sammy? Ben?
Ben
You got us, ma'am.
Cynthia
Was that just Tim Jensen on the air?
Ben
We⊠we believe it was. We- we donât wanna cause an uproar hereâ
Sammy
Per usual.
Ben
But we have every reason to believe so. Uh d- do you have any information about Tim?
Cynthia
I Do Not. I was calling to voice my concerns about him coming back from God-knows-where.
Ben
Is this- Cynthia Higgenbaum?
Cynthia
Itâs Mrs. Higgenbaum to you, Ben, and thanks for broadcasting my info all over the tri-staate.
Sammy
Cynthia, you say you have some concerns about Tim being found? Why?
Cynthia
âConcernsâ would be putting it mildly.
Sammy
Okay, heâs a missing man, Cynthia. Heâs been officially gone without a trace for over three months!
Cynthia
Oh, donât give me that âofficial lineâ of Horse Hockey! We all know Good and Well he got picked up by the lights off 72.
Sammy
*exasperated chuckle* With all due respectâ
Ben
[cutting him off] He was abducted, Sammy. You know it, I know it, Cynthia knows it. The X-Files, this ainât. They got him.
Sammy
Okay, letâs just hold it together folksâ
Ben
But for goodnessâ sake, Cynthia, why in the world would you have an issue if we finally found him?
Sammy
I- you know, Iâm just happy to hear that heâs alive. We all should be.
Cynthia
Yeah yeah, heâs alive, hooray and such. But Iâm gonna level with you boys.
Sammy
[acerbic] Uh-huh.
Cynthia
I Donât Want Tim coming back into this community after gallivanting around the galaxy for three damn months with aliens or what-have-you. Who knows what kind of diseases heâs bringing back!?
Sammy
Oh stop it!
Cynthia
Martian Measles, Pluto Pox- who can say? I Donât want my kids around that. Does Obamacare even cover Jupiter Jaundice? *scoffs* Doubtful!
Ben
Cynthia, I think bringing Tim home safe and sound is of the utmost importance.
Cynthia
Are you gonna pay my doctor bills? I didnât think so.
Sammy
Cynthia, we are talking about a man.
Cynthia
We are talking about some weird sh[bleep]t Tim is bringing back, by golly! I know Tim. I worked with Tim for a few years, and heâs a nice enough guy! But heâs not nice enough to let his Ground Control to Major Tom[1] ass quarantine my babies at Area 51. Priorities!
Ben
Sammy, Mary Jensen is on line five.
Sammy
Iâm sorry, Cynthia, we have to take this.
Cynthia
Oh, good. Iâm gonna go check my shelter and inventory my air filters. I suggest doing the same.
[click, dial tone]
Ben
Mary Jensen.
Sammy
Hi Mary, this is Sammy and Ben at King Falls AM?
Mary
[morosely] Hi Sammy. Hi Ben.
Ben
Mary have you⊠have you been listening to the broadcast tonight?
Mary
I was. Thatâs why I called. Since Timâs been gone I- *sigh* I donât know which way is up. My sleep has been turned around, the kidsâŠ
Ben
Iâm sorry, Mary.
Mary
[shakily, clearly trying not to cry] I wanna thank you twoâ Sammy and Ben- for all youâve done during this ordeal.
Sammy
We donât have to get into that.
Mary
No I-I think we do. I know that there are people that think that you two shouldnât be on the air, but since Tim has been gone? You guys at the station have checked on me and the kids at least once a week. Youâve made donations. Ben even took the kids to the library last week so I could have time to myself!
Sammy
[softly sarcastic] Youâre a sweetheart, Ben, and to the library no less!
Ben
[almost whispered] Donât.
Mary
[probably crying] I know you want Tim back in my arms almost as much as I do.
Sammy
Mary, I wish we had more to tell you but you heard exactly what we did.
Mary
I just thank- Godâ whomever is up there- that heâs still alive. He sounded okay right? [fearfully] Didnât he sound okay?
Sammy
He didnât sound hurt.
Ben
We appreciate the kind words, but- that canât be what you called for.
Mary
It wasnât the only reason but um⊠make no mistake about this: the Jensens stand with you two. No matter what.
Sammy
Thank you, Mary. I mean itâs obvious that Tim has reached out to us for a reason. Youâve told us in the past that he absolutely loved listening to Chetâs Jazz Corner and loved King Falls AM in general. Letâs hope heâs listening to you now, Mary. What would you like Tim to know?
Mary
*sniffs* That, um- [tearfully] weâre okay, Tim. Please donât worry about us. *sniff* And I- I know he will anyway but, we are okay. We are safe. Weâre home, but *sniff* home isnât home without you. I love you, Tim. *sniff* I know without a doubt that one day youâll be back with us⊠I canât wait for that day, but I will wait⊠[clearly struggling] Please be okay⊠Please be safe. *sniff*
Sammy
Our thoughts are with you, Mary. And Tim.
Mary
[choked up] My- my little one is up. Can she say something, Sammy?
Sammy
Please, of course, by all means.
Mary
[aside] Come on, sweetie, Daddyâs listening.
Bella
Daddy?
Mary
He called Mr. Ben and Mr. Sammy tonight.
Bella
Daddy!
Sammy
Heâs listening right now. Tell him whatever youâd like.
Bella
I love you. Please come home, I donât want Mommy to cry anymore.
Mary
Thank you Sammy⊠Ben⊠King Falls.
Sammy
If you need anything, you just let us know.
Mary
Yeah, of course. *small sob* Sorry, bye.
[click, dial tone]
Sammy
Timâ if youâre listeningâ godspeed.
Ben
Sorry to interrupt, Sammy. Line twelve.
Sammy
Good evening, youâre live on King Falls AM.
Riley
Please hold the line for Mayor Grisham.
Sammy
[angrily] Hey, I wanna talk to you! I have got a bone to pick with you! Hello?
Riley
Mayor, youâre on with Sammy and Ben.
Grisham
Boys, boys, come on. Are we live?
Sammy
Mayor Grisham, you have five seconds before this call self destructs.
Grisham
Itâs my understanding that Tim Jensen just reached out to you guys.
Ben
[quickly] Five four three twoâ
Grisham
I come in peace, guys! Iâm sure you two will get everything you can regarding the call to Sheriff Gundersonâs office. I just wanted to say âthank you,â for being there for Timâ still in his time of need.
Sammy
You have my curiosity, Mayor.
Ben
Sammy, my horsesh[bleep]t radar is off the charts right now! Itâs, itâs hitting Seabiscuit[2] levels.
Sammy
Did you just bleep yourself?
Ben
Yeah, I mean, come on, man. You want fines on top of trouble, too?
Grisham
Iâll be as friendly as a pen pal, gents. I just wanted to speak to King Falls. That is, if you two will allow me.
Ben
Horsesh[bleep]t radar is still solidly at âcircus pony.â I- I donât know if this is a good idea.
Sammy
You know, youâre ridiculous. And generally I would agree, Ben, but this is for Tim. The floor is reluctantly all yours, Mayor.
Grisham
*clears throat* Thank you⊠Ladies and gentlemen of King Falls and everyone listening to this broadcast, I just want to let you know we are doing all we can to bring Tim back home, safe and sound. We are working day and night to make sure his lovely daughter and his wife get to hug their father and husband again. I want to reiterate that if you have any information about Tim, his disappearance, or subsequently his call tonight for help, please do not take matters into your own hands. Please call the hotline set up atâ
[KFAM outro]
[CREDITS]
References
[1] âGround Control to Major Tomâ - a well known line from David Bowieâs âSpace Oddityâ. Major Tom is a fictional astronaut who features in several of Bowieâs songs.
[2] Seabiscuit - Seabiscuit was a champion thoroughbred racehorse in the United States who became the top money winning racehorse up to the 1940s.
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King Falls AM - Episode Six: King of King Falls
View on Google Docs
Summary: July 15, 2015 - In an effort to learn more about his new hometown, Sammy books an interview with author and King Falls historian, Howard Ford Beauregard III, however Ben questions Sammy's intentions as well as Beauregard's facts.
[Podcast intro music]
[jazzy church organ music]
Deacon Reggie
Back by populaâ demanâ from tha Lawd On High, tha King Falls Stompinâ Out Tha Devil Revival will be extended two extra Sundays. Join us for a fiâth consecutive week as Reverend Xavier âGet Right With God!â Hawthorne leads the King Falls faithful, the most turnt up celebration of tha year! Come raise your haaands to the skyy anâ annoint the son oâ God! Tha Holy Spirit will be so strong, your granny bound to get ratched!
Reverend Hawthorne
God isâa Good. God isâa GreaT-a. Satan is on your back because he likes ta haTe-a. Shake âim off for Jesus! Just shake him off! Before it is too late! Glory, Glory Hallelujah!
Deacon Reggie
Come celebrate with the most highly favored congregation in town! Just outside the city limits, offâa Route 72 and MLK. (Thatâs Mary-Lou Kilpatrick Drive for those coming out oâ town.) [rushed disclaimer] King Falls Stompinâ Out the Devil Revival is a trademark of Right With God Productions, all use and reproductions must have written consent from Reverend Hawthorne, or the Lord above. To God be the Glory.
[KFAM intro music]
Ben
[in bg] I donât want to do this!
Sammy
And weâre back! Youâre listening to King Falls AM, thatâs 660 on the radio dial, and that was a perturbed Ben Arnold. We got a packed show for you this evening. We have a special guest, in the houseâ
Ben
Sorry, folks!
Sammy
What are you so fired up about, Ben?
Ben
You know.
Sammy
Well, our dear listeners donât know, and weâve got a few minutes beforeâ
Ben
B-before we talk to your guest.
Sammy
Our guest.
Ben
Oh, thereâs no waâ I would never book that guy in a thousand years. Heâs all yours.
Sammy
[pleading] Ben.
Ben
Itâs just ridiculous! If you wanna make fun of me, do it off the air! This, is not cool.
Sammy
Iâm not making fun! Listen folks, I did a little researchâ
Ben
On his own.
Sammy
On my own, about King Falls history- and moreso, its history with the paranormal! So I go out of my way to book a guest that is an expert in this field!
Ben
HOH! BULL!
Sammy
And now Ben thinks Iâm just messing with him when actually Iâm just trying to get a better grasp on the supernatural phenomenon that happens in our beautiful town!
Ben
[quickly] You never believe it when it happens on air, why would you bring- this guy in. Youâre- youâre trying to break him. Which should be easy since heâs aâ
Sammy
Iâm serious! Iâm just trying to get a better understanding of what weâve been dealing with the last few months, Ben. And this guy, our guest, has written a book about just that!
Ben
Itâs an e-book, Sammy. My mother can publish an e-book. Heâs a whack job.
Sammy
Why are you acting like heâs not sitting right in front of us?
Ben
Oh, youâll see.
Beauregard
[HFB3 has a âHigh Class-Better Than Youâ drawl at all times] âWhack jobâ? You must be speaking of the 1957 3rd Street Massacreâ or your journalistic career.
Sammy
Uh, good evening sir. Thanks for making it down to the station tonight.
Beauregard
[insincerely] Charmed.
Sammy
Ladies and gentlemen, weâre being joined by- an authorâ
Ben
[cutting in] E-book.
Sammy
âand King Falls paranormal expertâ
Ben
Self-proclaimed.
Sammy
âMr. Howard Ford Beauregard.
Beauregard
The third.
Sammy
Of course. Howard Ford Beauregard the Third. How are you doing this evening, Howard?
Beauregard
Mr. Beauregard. And as the common folk call it: Iâm swell.
Ben
*clears throat* So, Mr. Beauretar[sic]â
Beauregard
Is your man speaking to me, Mr. Stevens?
Sammy
[confused] Noâ Man?⊠Ben?
Beauregard
You shanât be too careful these days.
Sammy
So, Mr. Beauregard. How did you come to be an expert in the paranormal and supernatural aspects of King Falls?
Ben
[sounds like someone whose point is about to be proved] This should be good!
Beauregard
As well you know, my family settled this town of King Falls many many moons ago, so its lineage is pure and unfiltered through my veins. My family has witnessed it all and, of course, that has been passed to me and now, through my memoir, passed down to you.
Ben
*laughs* Right.
Beauregard
May you ask your manservant to please hold his tongue as the adults speak?
Sammy
Excuse me?
Ben
Sorry! Beauregard. A-also, uh, in this century, where we live, Iâm the co-host of this show.
Beauregard
[condescendingly] How splendid. Your mother must be co-proud of you. Mm?
Sammy
Okay. To make a U-turn back to the original point, you were sayingâ
Beauregard
Yes. We founded this city. We know every minute detail of its hellish existence. Especially when it comes to the oft spoken about ghouls, goblins, and extraordinary happenings we are known for.
Ben
[offended] King Falls is a magnificent town. There is nothing âhellishâ about it.
Beauregard
Youâre. Welcome.
Sammy
So, it is true that one could say you are a self-proclaimed expert in these matters.
Beauregard
The same one might say that you are a good radio host, but⊠doubtful.
Ben
*exasperated sigh*
Sammy
Alright letâs take some callers, shall we?
Beauregard
[insincerely] What fun. I love hearing from the lowlies.
Ben
[muttered]Jesusâ Line 3.
Sammy
Good evening, youâre on King Falls AM with Howard Fordâ
Ron
Yeah yeah, Sammy, let me just get right down to business. First off, am I live right now?
Ben
Double live gonzo, Ron!
Sammy
Ron Begley, from Begleyâs Bait Shop, ladies and gentlemen. Whatâs goinâ on, sir?
Ron
Howdy boys. [angrily] But seriously this message right here is for you so-and-sos that have been cominâ down to the lake, every damn night since this tournament, lookinâ to poach on Kingsie.
Sammy
Wait a second. People are attacking Kingsie?
Ron
Theyâre tryinâ.
Ben
Why?
Ron
I assume itâs a bunch of hillbilly heroes tryna come serve up a side of podunk justice on our majestic lake creature for the John Doe. However, itâs a damn fact now that Kingsie, who wouldnât hurt a damn fly, had f[bleep]kall to do with that body at the Bass Tourney. But these damn perpetrators need to listen and stop cominâ on my land and into the lake with malice in mind. Lake Hatchenhaw is a place of serenity, peace and fishing, you damn fools.
Ben
[fiercely] Kingsie is a King Falls treasure.
Beauregard
If I believed in lake lizards living in a water puddle I call a lakeâ
Ron
Iâm sorry? Just who the f[bleep]k are you, you hoity-toityâ
Beauregard
Aww, the salty tongue of the smartest man in the trailer park. I do not answer to your kind.
Ron
[aggressively] Son, I could get from my lake house to the top of that mountain in about 22 minutes, so you best get your gazelles on and start putting pads to pavement. You pillow bitinâ son of a b[bleep].
[click, dial tone]
Ben
Kingsie is a fact, Mr. Beauregard, unlike a great deal of what you have listed in your⊠âbook.â
Beauregard
Iâll bite. What is fiction in my memoir?
Ben
Sammy? Please. [âlet me tear this guy apartâ]
Sammy
[conceding] Weâre all about the facts here on King Falls AM, Ben.
Ben
[rapid and eager] Chapter 2, âSmokey and the Banshee.â Hate to break it to you? but there certainly isnât an apparition driving a âghostly Trans-Am through town squareâ late night every third Sunday.
Beauregard
Says you.
Sammy
Says facts.
Ben
Chapter 5, âBombing Range Road Rageâ you mentioned General Abilene here, saying he goes out of his way to spook people on old Bombing Range Road.
Beauregard
Your point? If you have one.
Ben
Indeed I do! Everyone, and I mean everyone, knows that the general is seen in Sweetzer Forest. Lights emanate from Bombing Range Road. Possible UFO activity. All of that unrelated to Abilene.
Beauregard
[laughingly] Sweetzer Forest? Hah! Imbecile.
Ben
[getting increasingly worked up again] And furthermore, whatâs this baloney about there not being an ancient burial ground under where your family built its textile factory? And you know what? letâs just come out and say it: Why has no one in the town ever seen you in the daylight?
Beauregard
We have gone on record! time and time again. There is not now nor has there⊠ever been an âancient Indian burial ground.â There have been⊠no disturbances either. I will not tolerate any more of this tomfoolery. And furthermore! not that itâs any of your business, but as far as my complexion is concerned, I have⊠an aversion towards the sun! I tend to do my deals and business⊠in the night-time hours! You might even call me⊠nocturnal.
Sammy
Riiight⊠Nocturnal. Okay. Moving forwâ
Ben
Itïżœïżœs a well known fact that your family bought that land at a steal. And it was so âreasonably pricedâ? because it was on the ancient burial ground of the Hatchenhaw Indians.That said, there are sightings all the time- hell, there are videos of the ghosts trying to scalp your employees during work!
Beauregard
Hogwash!
Sammy
Yâknow, Iâve seen it with my own eyes, I think. Ben pulled up one of the YouTube videos a while back and- Iâm usually skeptical but I sawâ
Beauregard
Graphics and special effects or what-have-you! Iâll have the two of you know I did not come on this show to be mocked. One more retort from you valley-dwellers and Iâll have you expelled from the city limits. Mayor Grisham is a close ally, so tread trepidously.[sic]
Ben
Bring it.
Sammy
Whoa whoa whoa! everybody, letâs just relax. This is a conversation, Mr. Beauregard. Ben here is our stationâs foremost expert on King Falls history, sir. It just seems like maybe the facts and your bookâs stories arenât exactly jiving.
Beauregard
Let me be quite clear, this is my last warning. If you speak ill of myself or my family one more time, I will crush you. Your livelihoods depend on this fact.
Sammy
Come on.
Ben
[sarcastically] Oh Iâd never speak badly about your family. They had the good sense to die before you turned into this joke, bringing down their hard earned reputations.
Beauregard
Fire this insolent manchild at once. Heâs nothing more than Channel 13 leftovers.
Ben
I⊠B-but Iâ
Beauregard
Aww. Did I touch a nerve Benny? Dispute this fact to all five of your listeners. Channel 13- a respectable organization- rejected you not one, not two, but three separate occasions. You working class cretin.
Sammy
[awkwardly] I think maybe we should wrap this up.
Ben
No wait. Sammy, Iâm gonna use a lifeline. Phone a friend?[1] and ruin this douche.
[phone ringing]
Emily
[sleepily] Hello?
Ben
Hi! Emily.
Emily
[suddenly more awake] Ben? Everything okay? Itâs pretty late.
Ben
Itâs- itâs okay now that youâre on the phone. *shy, awkward laugh* Youâre live by the way.
Emily
*giggles* Ben! Hi Sammy! Hi King Falls.
Ben
The lovely and knowledgeable King Falls Librarian, Emily Potter, everyone.
Beauregard
The library? They canât even keep my memoir in stock. What do you think about that?
Sammy
[quietly] I donât think thatâs how e-books work.
Ben
Hey! Miss Potter is trying to speak, Beauregard? Emily, can you⊠shed some light on a certain topic for everyone out there listening? All five of them.
Emily
Yes. Anything for you and Sammy.
Ben
We have⊠Howard Beauregard on the phone.
Emily
Funny enough, I just finished your book, Mr. Beauregard. âKing of King Fallsâ?
Beauregard
Alas, finally someone with good sense and better taste.
Ben
Iâm glad you brought that up, Emily! Can you fill the listeners in on the history of the King Falls Library- which, Mr. Beauregard discusses in chapter 15 of his e-book. Did you- find any⊠discrepancies?
Emily
Sure, Ben. Well, Mr. Beauregard mentioned the library a few times in various stories. However, he stated that during World War Two? the secret apartment was built inside the library. However, it actuallyâ
Beauregard
Ahhh! The Hitler Suite! Yes, it was commissioned by Germany, October 7th, 1944 as a possible hiding place for their infamous leader, Theodore Waldorf von Hitler.
Sammy
Adolf?
Beauregard
Gesundheit.
Emily
Iâm sorry but the apartment was actually built when the library was, in 1912. Iâve seen the blueprints and everything. Funny story, it was actually used asâ
Ben
Yâknow, Emily, maybe we should hear him out on this one. I can see a connection forming here.
Emily
*giggles* Oh Ben, youâre so funny.
Beauregard
Miss Potter.
Emily
Yes, Mr. Beauregard?
Beauregard
You are a simpleton of the highest order, and should not be tasked to watch over a magazine, much less a palace of learning such as the King Falls Library.
Ben
You son of a b[bleep]!
Sammy
Ben! Itâs not worth it, calm down, heâs just an old nutcase!
Beauregard
Of course the two of you are thick as thieves. I should have known I was in for an ambush in this rrramshackle radio station. You two lowlifes should be honored by my presence!
Sammy
Beauregard, please take yourself and go honor the dust in your mansion. Weâre done here.
Beauregard
How dare you. Turn this radio broadcast off this instant! I demand it. I will not be treated like this!
Ben
Go.
Sammy
[aggressively] If you donât leave, Mr. Beauregard, weâre gonna be forced to call the sheriffâs department
Beauregard
Well thereâs no need to wake my personal friend, Sheriff Gunderson, from his slumber. Heâd only throw the book at you rapscallions anyway.
Ben
Your e-book isnât worth the paper itâs not printed on.
Beauregard
[sound of a chair being shoved back] [voice getting quieter as he storms off] You merry fools! I can buy this radio station! Just to fire you! Mark my words!
Sammy
Weâll be waiting on those pink slips! but until then, get out of our studio, please and thank you. Well then.
Ben
I hate to say âI told you soâ butâŠ
Sammy
Iâm sorry Ben, *sad sigh* [increasingly mumbled] yâknow I was just trying to understand this stuff a little bit better.
Ben
[sincerely] I appreciate that.
Sammy
Folks, weâre just going to take a quick break here to get back on track but letâ
Emily
[softly] Hey, Ben?
Ben
Hello?
Sammy
Oh! Line one is still engaged.
Emily
Thank you for sticking up for me, Ben.
Ben
Ah! I mean, any time! I mean you, uh, you're- youâre⊠welcome?
Sammy
Ladies and gents, Ben has just invented a new shade of red from all this blushing. You know what? tweet me @KingFallsAM right now and Iâm gonna post a pic.
Ben
[hissed] Shut up, Sammy.
Emily
Hey, Ben?
Ben
Yeah? Iâm here.
Emily
I was just wondering⊠Well, Iâve- Iâve been wondering, um, maybe, uh- And you can- say no! if you want. But, would you, possibly, like to- go out? uh, maybe to Roseâs Diner this weekend?
Ben
[voice cracking slightly] Yes. I mean⊠Sure- maybe- we could do, something, like that! Iâll- Iâll, I mean I do. I need to⊠*clears throat* check my schedule. But umâ
Emily
Okay then! Iâll- talk to you later! Goodnight, Ben.
[click, dial tone]
Sammy
Well I thinkâ
Ben
Donât. [whispering] Let me savor this.
Sammy
*chuckles* Weâll be right back after a word from our sponsors, kids.
[KFAM outro]
[CREDITS]
References
[1] Phone a friend- probably well known, but this is a reference to the show âWho Wants To Be a Millionaireâ
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King Falls AM - Episode 5: Night of the Living Dread
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Summary: July 1, 2015 - Sammy & Ben learn of some breaking news regarding the Lake Hatchenhaw John Doe, but not everyone is as pleased as the broadcast duo.
[Podcast intro music]
Announcer
Dear listeners, please note that the following program may contain views that do not reflect that of King Falls AM, its management, or its subsidiaries. Listener discretion is advised.
[KFAM intro music]
Sammy
Youâre listening to King Falls AM, thatâs 660 on the radio dial. Iâm your host, Sammy Stevens, and as always we are joined by producer and co-host extraordinaire, Ben Arnold.
Ben
[trying not to be amused] Youâre so- youâre so happy, arenât you? Youâre a child. Getting so giddy over that message.
Sammy
Listening to a warning before a radio broadcast Iâm on has literally been on the bucket list for a long time. Thanks Merv!
Ben
*laughter* Ridiculous. A glutton for punishment.
Sammy
What can I say? I enjoy a nice game of hard ball! Uh, yâknow, but enough about what Merv doesnât want you to hear, letâs talk about what he does want you to hear. And what do we have cooking tonight, Ben?
Ben
Dude, itâs stacked alright? Stacked. Weâve got the- lovely Miss Emily Potter from the King Falls Library giving us her picks for enlightened summer reading.
Sammy
Terrific! We always love speaking with Emily!
Ben
You and me both.
Sammy
I said âwe,â Ben.
Ben
Uh, I know. I- *breathes in* [stilted] I- We-We-uh, Weâve got some really cool news! here. We-we are announcing the line-up for the first annual King Falls Ambient Music Festival. Thatâs coming up the second hour.
Sammy
Wait a second. The King Falls Ambient Music Festival? Is this town even big enough for a festival?
Ben
Oh yeah! Itâs like Coachella[1] but for hipsters that just want to relax. Itâs all about âsetting the mood.â
Sammy
You know, Iâm wondering if theyâre gonna make it to a second annual.
Ben
And then, um, [reluctant and slipping into mumbling] opening up the show we-weâve got the- doctor *mumbling*
Sammy
I-Iâm sorry, Ben, what was that? Youâre trailing off, buddy.
Ben
We have that umm, *sniffs, lets out breath* one⊠guy. You know that- fo- w- talking about that *deep breath* one thingâ
Sammy
[trying to cut him off] Benâ
Ben
âfrom a month ago or soâ?
Sammy
What? What are you talking about?
Ben
You knowâ May- maybe we should start it with Uh, callers first! [mildly frantic] Just-uh-Give us a call at 424-279-3858 and letâs talk about⊠*tsk* anything! Letâs uh, whats your-whats your-whats-whats on your mind King Falls?
Sammy
Ladies and gentlemen, put down your phones for a second. What Ben is trying to say is weâve got a scoop here this evening on King Falls AM. Weâre gonna be speaking withâ
Ben
[cutting Sammy off]Or you can tweet us! @kingfallsam. I-I-I will literally talk about anything right now. Even to Mr. Derschwitz about that weird toenail thing. Let-lets-lets go, people!
Sammy
I thought we agreedâ
Ben
I know. Sammy, Iâm sorry itâs just, [slightly more frantic] Iâm-Iâm not feelinâ the best here. Alright? my stomach, is all⊠knotted up, just thinking about this.
Sammy
That is journalism. That feeling is journalismâ
Ben
[speaking over Sammy] I think it might actually be an ulcer! It Tastes, like Fear and Feels, like Cancer . Itâs way more than anxiety. I-Iâm gonna call Dr. RaĂșl, at break.
Sammy
Heâs a chiropractor!
Ben
Maybe he can refer me?
Sammy
Power through it, buddy! Look at this folks, we got somebody dialing into the hotline right now! You ready for this Ben? Come on.
Ben
Please, be Reverend Hawthorne so we can talk about the Revival next month.
Sammy
Oh stop it. You know he isnât even scheduled!
Ben
I just thoughtâ maybe thatâs how prayers work, I donât know, Iâm not a reverend!
Sammy
King Falls AM, youâre on the air.
Dr. Rosenblum
[Dr. Rosenblumâs voice is measured and monotonous and mildly creepy at all times] Good evening, this is Dr. Jeffery Rosenblum, with the, King Falls County Coronerâs Office.
Ben
C-can I please just sayâ
Sammy
Dr. Rosenblum, it is a pleasure to speak with you this evening.
Rosenblum
Excited to be here, Sammy. Ecstatic even. We listen on slow nights.
Ben
Thatâs the scariest thing Iâve ever heard.
Sammy
Much appreciated, Doc. Now, as fate would have it, you were the overseeing physician working on the Lake Hatchenhaw John Doe, is that correct?
Ben
Doc? Can you just, hold on for- one- moment- please?
Rosenblum
Of course, Ben Iâ
Sammy
Donât start, Ben! We agreed to see this through.
Ben
All Iâm saying i- lemme finish- a- i-is that maybe itâs not our place *deep breath* to break this kind of news.
Sammy
Fine. You know what? Youâre right! Letâs just give this to our friends down at Channel 13 and let them be the ones to alert the public about this.
Ben
[journalist voice] Doc, Ben Arnold. Tell us about cracking open the mystery body.
Sammy
[quietly] Oh.
Rosenblum
Itâs true that I was the operating physician on that particular John Doe, y-es, irrefutablyy
Sammy
Now, as I understand, your official report was released yesterday morning, doctor, but amazingly enough, not one publication or news station in our town- including King Falls AM- reported on it.
Rosenblum
You are correct. Busy news day- one would assume.
Ben
So, that means, you areâ free to talk about it on air.
Rosenblum
I would be elated
Sammy
First and foremost on everyoneâs minds: were there any signs of, uh, yâknow, the lake mo- *sighs* I canât.
Ben
Did Kingsie make the body, bite the big one?
Rosenblum
There was no evidence that a creature large or small had anything to do with the deceased.
Ben
*sigh of relief* That- I knew Kingsie didnât have it in her.
Sammy
Now, Dr. Rosenblum, can you tell us if there was any foul play involved at all?
Rosenblum
During our first autopsy we were not able to distinguish with certainty the cause of death. But there were no signs of foul play
Sammy
Iâm sorry, did you say âfirstâ autopsy?
Ben
[confused] Is that normal? Did you- find out the cause of death during the⊠second autopsy?
Rosenblum
Indeed. It was six individual gunshot wounds to the victimâs head. Three shots to the temporal lobe, two to the mendulla oblongataâ
Sammy
What?! Six gunshot wounds?!
Rosenblum
To the cranium, yes. One to the frontal lobe, another toâ
Ben
So the Lake Hatchenhaw John Doe was, murdered?
Sammy
I canât believe this! This is big! Why didnât one news outlet report this thing yesterday?!
Rosenblum
Well, the cause of death was inconclusive and with no signs of foul play, it was not exactly a juicy story.
Ben and Sammy
Wait a second.
Rosenblum
âŠyes?
Sammy
Iâm sorry, doc. Iâm not in the medical orrr criminal fields but, how is six gunshots not foul play?
Rosenblum
Well, that was between the first autopsy and the second. The gunshots were self-defense administered via Deputy Kreighauser at my behest.
Sammy
Ben, weâre gonna wanna get Troy on the phone and see what heâs got to say about this.
Ben
âThings Ben Arnold would never think under ordinary circumstances for 800, Alex.â[2]
Sammy
Doc, while weâre getting Deputy Troy on the line, would you mind if we took a quick break to hear from one of our sponsors?
Rosenblum
Thatâs just- Dandy.
[light bg music]
Greg Frickard
After a long dayâs work or a tough dayâs play, you probably just wanna come home and relax. No need to slave over a hot stove for hours on end. Well thatâs where we come in! Here at Granny Frickardâs, we know that the less time you spend doing the things you donât like, is the more time you spend with the ones you love. So come get some of the best frog legs that money can buy. Granny Frickardâs French-fried farm-fresh never-frozen filleted-and-fricasseed fried-and-flambeed frog legs. Mm-mm-mm. So get on down to Granny Frickardâs Froggery at the corner of Main Street and 7th Avenue. Weâll put some pep in your step and some hop in your heart.
[KFAM intro music]
Sammy
And weâre back on King Falls AM, here with King Falls County Coroner, Dr. Jeffery Rosenblum.
Rosenblum
A Pleasure.
Sammy
Do you have Troy, Ben?
Ben
Heâs booking one of the Williams boys for mooning. Heâll call us in a few.
Sammy
Iâm a little out of sorts here, doc. Can you explain what happened between the first inconclusive autopsy and the point where Troy filled the cadaver full of lead.
Rosenblum
Of course. As I was finishing the initial post-mortem, it came to my attention that the deceased began to emit a hissing sound, fluctuating between the lower thorax and the larynx.
Ben
Oh my God.
Rosenblum
I called for Deputy Kreighauser and he entered, as I wanted someone else to see this- phenomenon. Thatâs when the John Doe began a slight, thrashing about the upper torso.
Ben
Um⊠are you sayingâ
Rosenblum
The deputy began to fumble for his sidearm while we both discerned that something was wildly- amiss. The deceased opened its eyes and instantly grabbed for the lapel of my lab coat with voracious tenacity.
Ben
Wh- ah- go on.
Rosenblum
It gnashed its teeth as I emitted a terrified, albeit, high pitched, scream. And thatâs when Troy unholstered his sidearm and administered six lethal shots to the reanimated corpseâs cranium.
Ben
A zombie.
Sammy
Alright, is there- [fumbling] Letâs just say- is there-
Ben
Weâve got Troy on the line.
Deputy Troy
[in bg] I donât care if he was only joshinâ. You canât show your G-D derriere out in public! [car door slams] [pleasantly] Hey boys, whatâs goinâ on tonight?
Sammy
You tell us, Troy, holy geez! Uh, weâve got Dr. Rosenblum on the line here andâ
Deputy Troy
Is this about the zombie?
Ben
Yes! So-so youâre confirming this story, Troy?
Deputy Troy
Well, hell yeah Iâm confirming! I had to do three hours of damn paper work from unloadinâ my pistola into a corpse! Sheriff Gunderson was not the happiest of campers.
Ben
[excited and awed] This is amazing⊠This is unprecedented .
Sammy
[skeptical] This is a little unbelievable, Troy.
Rosenblum
It is a first in my profession. Believe you me. [still tonelessly] Wowzers.
Deputy Troy
Honest engine[3] boys. I capped the all get out of that thing! It had the doc by the face âbout to start chewing!
Rosenblum
Youâre my hero, Deputy Troy.
Deputy Troy
Shucks, wasnât nothinâ special.
Ben
[slightly sullen] Except killing the first instance of a zombie in King Falls sinceâ
Sammy
Donât say âsinceâ.
Ben
⊠Well⊠Since that one time at the mall in the '80s.
Sammy
No, thatâs not a real thing, Ben. Thatâs a film.
Ben
[worked up] Sammy? How many extraordinary things are gonna have to SLAP you right in the face to make you buy into this? KING FALLS, MAN.
Deputy Troy
You know me, Sammy. I always shoot ya straight. But it was the craziest sh[bleep]t Iâve ever seen. I mean it was like my-ex-wife-needs-alimony-money crazy.
Ben
See? Even Barney Fife[4] saw it.
Sammy
*sighs* I justâ
Rosenblum
I donât want to cause an uproar here, but since that exam, there have been, other cases.
Ben
Of frickinâ zombies?
Rosenblum
Of reanimation among corpses⊠yes.
Deputy Troy
Doc, you just give me a call if you need. Iâm more than happy to go Clint Eastwood if the situation arises.
Rosenblum
Will do, Deputy. Thank you so much for your- assistance. Without you, there may not have been this- interview.
Deputy Troy
[proud] To protect and serve.
Sammy
I canât take all this in right now, Dr. Rosenblum I- e- Thank you so much for your insightful information.
Rosenblum
As they say, [still monotone] âyou got it, duude.â
[click, dial tone]
Ben
You okay, Sammy? You⊠donât look so well.
Deputy Troy
Ah, hell, boys.[siren whoop] I gotta go. Iâll call you back later tonight! One of the Williams boys is tryinâ ta saw through the bars outside the jailhouse? [sirens in bg] [through megaphone] Jacob Williams put your hands UP and the file DOWN.
[click, dial tone]
Ben
Alright King Falls, youâve heard our story, letâs hear yours. Have you or anyone you know experienced anything like what the doctor spoke of? Reanimation? The walkingâ
Sammy
Donât.
Ben
You know what I mean. Give us a call or tweet us.
Sammy
Looks like the board is lighting up!
Ben
UmâŠ
Sammy
Whatâs up? Okay, it canât be any crazier than what we just heard, Ben.
Ben
Line One, Sammy.
Sammy
Welcome to King Falls AM, youâre on with Sammy and Ben.
Line 1
[female, almost sounds automated] Good evening, Sammyâ
Sammy
Do I know you ma'am?
Riley
â please hold for Mayor Grisham.
Ben
He⊠Probably just wants us toâ mark these tapes as, evidence. *nervous laugh* Right, Sammy?
Sammy
Or burn them.
Riley
Sammy Stevens, Mayor Grisham.
Sammy
Mayor?
Mayor Grisham
Sammy⊠Ben.
Sammy
Youâre on live on King Falls AM, sir.
Mayor Grisham
[commanding] Take me off and go to break. We need to chat.
Sammy
No can do. Ben says we arenât scheduled for break for another- uh- at least ten minutes.
Mayor Grisham
Ben. Cut. To. Commercial.
Ben
Uh- uh- uh- the thing is- I- I- I canât- do that. Sir.
Mayor Grisham
[threateningly pleasant] You boys want to talk live on air? We can talk live on air.
Sammy
[challenging] Nothinâ to hide on this end of the phone, Mayor Grisham.
Mayor Grisham
I hear your snide remarks, Sammy. Iâve read the transcripts.
Sammy
Which! letâs be honest, is pretty weird. Weâre a late night AM talk show, why are you bothering with us?
Mayor Grisham
Oh, I donât bother with you. I try to keep up to date with all the local news and entertainment. I gotta say, I was really happy a big city radio guy decided to come play host at our little radio station.
Sammy
Well, Iâm more than happy toâ
Mayor Grisham
I wasnât finished⊠But I have to say, Iâm a little less than thrilled with [accusingly] all the excitement you brought with you.
Sammy
Iâd hardly call reporting the news âexcitementâ, sirâ
Mayor Grisham
Itâs interesting to me that I donât see Channel 13 breaking these crazy stories.
Ben
[quickly] No offense, your honor, but those idiots donât know their a[bleep]holes from their elbows.
Mayor Grisham
And you boys being on site when these âeventsâ happen? [softly, still accusing] Itâs a little bit of a coincidence donât you think?
Sammy
Are you insinuating that we are staging these events, Mayor?
Mayor Grisham
Iâm stating facts. Iâm sure your ratings are way, way up there since all these sensational events seem to coincide with your broadcast. Why do you think that is? Furthermore, I mean whoâs up listening to you at this ungodly hour of the night?!
Sammy
Seemingly most of the town, Sir. As well as whomever youâve hired to keep an ear on us.
Mayor Grisham
Iâve tried to be nice about this⊠And I tried to be civil⊠but I think itâs about time that you troublemakers changed formats. No more of this funny business. Itâs not good for the listeners. Itâs not good for the residents. And honestly? itâs not good for me. I donât appreciated being painted in this light, gentlemen.
Sammy
Oh! You mean the light where you as a public service,[sic] try to quell the voice of the people.
Ben
Itâs not your right to tell us what we can and canât report on, sir. All due respect.
Mayor Grisham
[rudely] All due respect, Ben Arnold. Just a couple of months ago you were digging up old records on eBay for Chet Sebastian to run on about. Now youâre a media star?? Thatâs worrisome! Seems you fellas have All the reasons in the world to fabricate these issues, and I have to say Iâm not gonna sit here and listen to this, while you LIE TO THE GOOD PEOPLE OF KING FALLS.
Sammy
Well, when we start âfabricatingâ and âmaking things up,â you can come throw the book at us. But until then- [click, dial tone] Whoops! Looks like you just got disconnected. Iâd wait for you to give us a call back and all, but with it not being an election year I probably shouldnât hold my breath.
Ben
Line One iiis lit up again, Sammy.
Sammy
[insincerely] Oh, sorry about that Mayor! I must have fabricated accidentally dumping your call when-
Esther Rollens
[heavy metal music in bg] [voice old and wavering] Did you boys fund a lavender ball of yarn in there? Been looking for it all week! [click, dial tone]
Ben
[shaken] Sammy, I think that commercial might do us some good right now.
[KFAM outro]
[CREDITS]
References
[1] Coachella - The Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival (commonly called Coachella or the Coachella Festival) is an annual music and arts festival held at the Empire Polo Club in Indio, California, in the Coachella Valley in the Colorado Desert.
[2] Reference to the TV game show Jeopardy!
[3] I honestly canât tell if heâs saying âhonest engineâ or âhonest injunâ but iâmma go with the one thatâs technically incorrect but also not super racist.
[4] Barney Fife - Deputy from the Andy Griffith Show. Calling a police officer or authority figure "Barney Fife" has become an American slang term for gross ineptitude or overzealousness.
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King Falls AM - Episode Four: Wolves Gone Wild
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Summary: June 15, 2015 - With Sammy & Ben in contention over a forced apology regarding the Bass Tournament, a full moon causes all hell to break loose on the outskirts of King Falls.
[Podcast intro music]
[KFAM rock intro music]
Ben
Top of the hour here on King Falls AM, thatâs 660 on the AM dial. And weâre live here on this crisp, King Falls evening. Itâs a full moon, and you know what that means, so be careful out there. Itâs four AM, on the dot, and as per instructed by Merv, the station manager, who we will beâ
Sammy
[agitated] Youâre really gonna play that.
Ben
[sarcastically] Oh look whoâs talking again, everybody! Sammy Stevens, ladies and gents.
Sammy
Very funny, Ben. You know, weâve played this apology enough. letâs just get back on track, how âbout it?
Ben
Gotta do it.
[radio static as recording begins]
Sammy
Hello, this is Sammy Stevens and Iâm sitting here with Ben Arnold, your co-host of King Falls AM.
[record scratch]
Sammy
No! We arenât doing this, Ben.
Ben
Sammy! Iâm gonna have to file a report if we donât play this apology at the top of every hour.
Sammy
Write it up!
Ben
I donât want to!
Sammy
Then donât.
Ben
Sammyâ can we talk about this? Folks, uh, weâre just gonna take a quick break forâ
Sammy
No break, no apology, you wanna play that tape?
Ben
No, but we have to!
Sammy
Fine. You know what? Weâll do this one live, kids, and *angry laugh/huff* boy are you in for a treat.
Ben
I donât know, Iâ
Sammy
[mildly outraged] So thereâs a note, on the board, when we came in. Weâre to record an apology to you, the dear listeners and residents of King Fallsâ
Ben
Merv simply asked that we apologize for⊠creating a controversy at the 55th annualâ
Sammy
We talk about the news here. Relevant subjects that affect this town. What we donât do- *angry laughing* What we would never do, is apologize for trying to cover a breaking news story! A dead body at a public event that King Falls AM is covering is News.
Ben
Maybe Mayor Grisham went a little overboard kicking us out- Iâm not saying he didnât, butâ
Sammy
[outrage continues] If I owned this station! If I owned the station? Iâd go after him. I mean, why isnât Merv mad at Grisham. Why is this on us? [softer] Have you even met Merv, Ben?
Ben
Yesâ I mean⊠not in person, butâ Look, we have a show to keep on track: in a few minutes weâll be speaking with both of the winners of the 55th annual Bass Tournamentâ
Sammy
How âbout this. How âbout we open up the phone lines and talk about how the good Mayor Grisham is strongarming the mediaâ
[static]
Announcer
This Sunday evening, at 7PM, we say goodbye to longtime host of King Falls Sewing Corner, Esther Rollens, the way she wouldâve wanted us to.
Esther
[old, wavering voice] Talkinâ about life, talkinâ about love, and crochetinâ a mean doily while weâre at it!
Announcer
While we will all miss Estherâs sweet stitchery tips and needlepoint mastery, weâll miss Esther even more.
Esther
Weâll darn your socks, and maybe even darn your men to heck, while weâre at it.
Announcer
Weâll reminisce and play clips from Sewing Cornerâs illustrious twenty-four year run. As well as a live music tribute from Estherâs favourite band.
[heavy metal music] âȘWAKE UP. YOUâLL SEE.âȘ
Esther
Ohh, I just love these boys! All possible states. [heavy metal music fades out] Always remember: bad times never last. But badasses certainly do! Weâll see you soon, King Falls!
Announcer
Hopefully not too soon, Esther. 7PM, this Sunday. Help us say goodbye to King Fallsâ most bitchinâ granny.
[heavy metal music resumes] âȘ*SCREAMING* I WILL NEVER REESST. UNTIL I WALK IN THE SUNSET. BURN ME UP IN FLAAMES.âȘ
[heavy metal fades out]
Ben
I didnât cut you off, Sammy!
Sammy
Real mature, Ben.
Ben
You were looking right at me, I didnât even touch the board! And you know Esther Rollens was slated for 4:32 AM! Iâd never.
Sammy
[sarcastically] Oh, oh, okay, it mustâve been General Abilene, right?
Ben
You know heâs in Sweetzer Fore- Sheesh. Canât you just take some calls? Youâre killing me. Line 6!
Cecil Sheffield
[Cecilâs voice is old and slurred] Benjamin Arnold! Mr. Sheffield here! Whyâre you on- the radio?
Ben
[muttered] Crap. Bass Tournament winners were scheduled for two minutes ago. I-Iâm gonna call the otherâ
Sammy
Oh! So we can talk about the tournament, we just canât talk about the dead body.
Ben
Sammy.
Sammy
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. Cecil Sheffield to the show, uh, co-winner of the 55th annual King Falls Bass Tourney.
Ben
Itâs great to have you. Mr. Sheffield.
Cecil
Itâss good to be taalkinâ to you fellas too! Benn, howâre yer grades holdinâ up this year?
Ben
Uhh, I- *confused laugh* I- I graduated uh- already. Sev-several years agoâ
Cecil
No more late papers thiss semester, Mr. Arrnold.
Sammy
Yeah, Ben! No more late papers!
Ben
*deep breath* For those of you who donât know: Mr. Sheffield was my history teacher at King Falls High School. [embarrassed and tense] Shouldnât he be retired by now?
Cecil
[singing] â«Riiiiiising miidst the goooolden orrrange, graaandly iiin tooo thâ bluuuee, reeeeeaches our dear aaaaalma maaterââ«
Sammy
*clapping sarcastically* There ya have it folks! Mr. Cecil Sheffield, winner of this yearâs King Falls Idol.
Cecil
Go Faaallls! I rreally lovve talkinâ tâ you guuys.
Ben
[awkwardly] And we⊠love talking to you.
Sammy
How âbout we talk about the big win at the tournament, huh? You split the grand prize, $500 and a bass boat, is that correct?
Cecil
Ohh it was awwesome. Staandinâ up there at the podium with maâ good friend Herrschel! Iâm happy tâ shaare the prriize wiâ such a great man! I havenâ gotten a channce to uuse the new booat- uhh⊠yetâ
Ben
Aaand, weâve got Herschel Baumgartner!
Sammy
Sorry to cut you off, Cecil. Herschel, youâre live on King Fal-
Herschel
[angry as always] You usurpinâ, unsportsmanlike, son of a b[bleep]h filth! I know all you were colludinâ against me this year. Itâs a conspiracy!
Sammy
Iâm sorry, what now, Mr. Baumgartner?
Herschel
You know exactly what Iâm talkinâ about, Big City.
Ben
We actually donât, Mr. Baumgartner.
Herschel
Donât mouth off to me, you conspirinâ little bag of d[bleep]ks!
Sammy
Hey! Hey, hey, Herschel! No one is conspiring against anybody here! You should be happy right now, this is what, your fourth time winning the tournament? Granted, letâs be honest, a cadaver should probably give this one an asterisk.
Ben
[eagerly] 1989,1992, and now back-to-back titles in 2014 and 2015. Youâre the first ever to have four titles!
Herschel
[hesitantly] W-wellll, when you put it like that, I guess. I never thought oâ it that way. I was just so red-faced about someone pokinâ a hole in the bottom of my boat right after I caught my last fish. Old Cecil wouldnâtâve come close if some boobstain hadnâtâa messed with my damn boat!
Ben
Kingsie got ya!
Herschel
[mocking] It wasnât Kingsie; that serpenty little b[bleep]h!
Cecil
Iss that Herrschel? Hooww ya doinâ buddy? Iâmiss ya. Why dontcha answer when I calll?
Herschel
[back to angry] Cecil! You cheatinâ dog pecker! Iâd know-what-it was you who sunk my battleship! You couldnât stand to have me win all by myself this year you limp-d[bleep]ked drunkard!
Ben
Ooh-[worried]Haah! Weâre gonna have to ask you. to watch your language. Mr. Baumgartner.
Herschel
Now you listen here, you motherf[bleep]â
[dial tone]
Sammy
Hello?
Ben
Sorry Sammy. Mervâs already not happy, letâs not have the FCC[1]join him?
Sammy
You know, youâre gettinâ real good with that dump button trigger finger tonight, Ben.
Ben
I told you I didnât dump you! Herschel, yes, but not you.
Sammy
Y- *huff/laugh* You were so right about this full moon tonight, Ben.
Ben
[mumbled] This is a nightmare.
Sammy
[seriously] Hey. Iâm sorry. Okay? I shouldnât have gotten so fired up.
Ben
You and Herschel both- You know how hard I work on this schedule? Donât⊠puppy dog eye me, Sammy.
Sammy
Hey, Iâm just tryinâ to ice this apology cake, buddy.
Ben
⊠6:20, you buy me a stack of pancakes, at Roseâs Diner, and⊠weâll call it even.
Sammy
Sounds like a plan. So youâve heard our story King Falls, now letâs hearâ
Ben
Good grief, weâve got line 2, heâs in a panic.
Sammy
Arenât we all? Youâre on the air with Sammy and Ben, what can weâ
Line 2
[overly dramatic] No time for pleasantries- I need the law!
[small dogs barking in bg throughout call]
Ben
Sir, uh, 911 is probably your best bet.
Sammy
Or maybe tweet Troy and hashtag âKingFalls911â [half-muttered] I dunno.
Line 2
You silly Sallys. Iâve already called, the deputy is on the way. But Iâm havinâ a terrible night, and I donât appreciate the two of you makinâ it worse!
Ben
Wait, is this- Archie Simmons?
Archie
[sing-song] The one and onlyy.
Ben
Is there something wrong out at the Pomchi Palace?
Sammy
Pomchi? What the hell is a âpomchiâ?
Archie
Oh my gawd, read a book Sammy.
Ben
Itâs a dogâ breed, half pomeranian, half chihuahua.
Sammy
Oh! So Archieâs a professional dog breeder.
Archie
Best bitches in the tri-state area!
Ben
[flatly] Thatâs their motto.
Archie
[softly aside, cooing] Thatâs a good baby, Daddy loves you! Whatâs that? That angry, mean werewolf violated you? Donât you worry, Daddy will make. him. pay.
Sammy
Did he just say âwerewolf?â
Archie
You betchyer bottom dollar I did!
Sammy
Ben, I- I canât.
Ben
T-tell us whatâs going on, Archie.
Archie
Well, I live offa Route-72, damn near out of town. Itâs usually nice and quiet [muttering](except for those damn trashy rednecks in their trailer park every damn Saturday night!)
Ben
Buuut, tonight, itâs not nice and quiet?
Archie
Hell no! I woke up to the most godawful squawlinâ. I mean it sounded like a freight train hit a barrel aâ screaminâ billygoats. Half a step below a damn eight f[bleep] bottle rocket.
Ben
That is vivid!
Sammy
[being a smart-aleck] Dare I say, was it a half-man, half-wolf?
Ben
[unimpressed] Good job, Sammy.
Sammy
[quietly] Please donât encourage this.
Archie
It was so terrible a noise, I thought I mightâa dreamed it. But then I heard it again!
Sammy
Go on.
Archie
So I threw on my slippers, and I went runninâ towards the back of the houseâ anâ Iâm scared, because I just paidâ well, I paid a bundle for a coupleâa these new pomchi bitches? So Iâm worried that maybe Rufus (thatâs my labradoodle)â
Sammy
Labradoodlâ?
Ben
[quickly] Labrador-poodle mix.
Archie
Damnit, Google it fellas and keep up. Iâm worried that Rufus is maybe snuck in the backyard and roughed up the new pomchis? So I rushed toward the back and Rufus is in the Florida Roomâ just a-growlinâ mind youâ so it wasnât him. So I burst open the back door, and what do I see??
Ben
What-ahh⊠wh-wh-what did you see?
Archie
[increasingly distressed I see a half-man, half-dog, bent over hunchinâ the hell out of my twenty-four-hundred-dollar Princess Von Barktooth!
Ben
Not Princess Von Barktooth!
Sammy
Okay, so you run outside in your slippers, and you see some skeezy pervert, and heâs got your dogâ
Archie
In the biblical sense! But the maaan was A. Werewolf.
Sammy
Are we really talkinâ about wolf-man werewolves, here? *laughs* Iâm sorry Benâ
Archie
You shouldnâ be sorryinâ to Beeen! Heâs not the one whoâs been sodomized by a damn man-wolf! And now I gotta stay up all night watchinâ the princess and dealinâ with the law! Lord knows Iâm worried that this leads to long term emotional distress, or, worse. [distraught] Anâ we can just throw out winninâ the Westminster trophy!![2] That was not in our five year plAN!!!
Ben
I have to. What- Was the five year plan?
Archie
[soft and rushed] Princess Von Barktooth was supposed to fall in love with another purebred pomchi, who sweeps her off her feet, holds open all the doggy doors for her, shares all his treats. *giggles* [to the dog] Isnât that right lil princess?
Sammy
[derisively] This is just silly. I mean it was obviously just a creep with serious issues, not a mythicalâ
Archie
Are you callinâ me a liar? I saw that abomination with my own two baby blues.
Ben
S-Sammy likes to look at these paranormal events from all angles, Archie.
Archie
Well the angle that I saw it at was a G-D crime against humanity and dogmanity alike! The beast man looked at me, evil in his eyes, and desire in his heart, tossed my princess like a ragdoll, howled at the moon like the wretched demon that he is and scampered off!!
Ben
Ar-Archie have- have you had issues with the werewolves before?
Archie
Oh-my-gosh, who hasnât? Olâ Dylan hillbilly Baxter used to pepper buckshot those chicken-thievinâ shapeshiftinâ sons-of-bitches!
Sammy
Brass tacks[3] here; Is Princess Von Barktooth okay?
Archie
Needless to saayy, we are more than a bit shaken by this turn of events.
Sammy
Have you looked into silver bullets? eBay? Amazon Prime?
Archie
You come out here the next full moon you sassy Sally and Iâll show you more werewolves than you can shake a d[bleep]k at⊠Aw, I just heard Deputy Troy pull up, I gotta go, boys. [click]
[dial tone]
Ben
Th-thanks for letting all of us know that thereâs been some activity on the wolf front, Archie.
Sam
This is just too much. Look, stay safe, Archie, listening public. Iâm not saying that thereâs werewolves on the looseâ
Ben
There are.
Sammy
*laugh/huff* Ben. Everyone stay safe. Thereâs definitely something in the air tonight.
Ben
Oh no. Sammy *heavy breath* Can you take Line One?
Sammy
Do I even want to ask?
Finn
[panicked] Sammy?! Ben?! Itâs bad! Itâs real bad, yâ know?!
Sammy
Are you alright, Finn?
Finn
[still strained and panicked] I-I didnât.. even see him cominâ! Musta run head-long through the truck on my blind side!
Sammy
Who did? Whatâs going on?
Ben
Finn hit a dog, off Route 72.
Sammy
Youâre f[bleep]king kidding.
Finn
[distraught, almost crying] This poor little guy! I feel so bad, yâknow? [less scared, more nervous] Actually. Heâs not that little.
Ben
Finn, are you still in your truck?
Finn
Oh yeah, but I stopped it when I hit the fella⊠Iâma shakinâ somethinâ awful here.
Sammy
[ânotâ worried] I think you should start the truck up, and just keep on movinâ.
Finn
⊠I think heâs still alive! Iâm goinâ out to do the right thing anâ check this out, Sammy.
Ben
Sammyâs right. Keepâ
Finn
Iâm outside the truck! Headinâ back towards the pooch!
Sammy
Get back in the truck, Finn! [quietly aside] Uh, you know, because it could be a- a coyote or something, n-not a were- you know.
Finn
Oh my. This poor fella donât look too good. This looksâ Whoa now!
Ben
Move your maple lovinâ ass, Finn!
Finn
Itâs two-leg runninâ at me boys! What the f[bleep]k!
Sammy
Finn? Finn?!
[sounds of a struggle, garbled words, then howling]
[KFAM outro]
[CREDITS]
References
[1] FCC - The Federal Communications Commission is an independent agency of the United States government that regulates communications by radio, television, wire, satellite, and cable across the United States.
[2] Westminster trophy - The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is an all-breed conformation show that has been hosted in New York City annually since 1877.
[3] Brass tacks - n. details of immediate practical importance âusually used in the phrase âget down to brass tacksâ
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King Falls AM - Episode Three: Catch And Release
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Summary: June 1, 2015 - Sammy & Ben are live at Lake Hatchenhaw for the 55th Annual King Falls Bass Tournament with special guest Mayor Grisham.
[Podcast intro music]
[Banjo music]
Randy McMullet
[heavy southern accent] Howdy yâall! Itâs Randy McMullet from McMulletâs International Palace of Snake Skin Boots and Iâm here to tell you we got some slithery savings this weekend! So much savings youâll have a hissy fit! Weâre not holdinâ anything back âcause itâs that time of year again! Itâs our annual Snake Skin Blowout! Iâm talkinâ âbout rattlesnake, copperhead, viper, black mamba, and boa constrictor. We got big snake boots at baby snake prices! Ya better hurry though before our inventory is extinct! So come on down to McMulletâs International Palace of Snake Skin Boots! Weâll be there from sun up to sun down this Saturday and Sunday at the corner of Route 72 and olâ Bombinâ Range Road! McMulletâs International Palace of Snake Skin Boots! Where we fill your boots, with savinâs!
[Banjo music fades out]
[KFAM rock intro music]
Sammy
Good morning! Youâre listening to King Falls AM, thatâs 660 on the radio dial. Itâs twelve minutes to six and a beautiful 67 degrees out here at Lake Hatchenhaw.
Ben
We are mere minutes away from the starter pistol going off signaling the beginning of the 55th annual King Falls Bass Tournament.
Sammy
Ben! I couldnât have said that better myself, youâre a natural!
Ben
[âaw shucksâ] Whatever, Sammy.
Sammy
But you heard it, kids! The tournamentâs about to get under way, but the festivities will be happening all day today. Be sure to swing on by the King Falls AM booth, pick up a bumper sticker, say hi to your favorite personalities, that sort of thing.
Ben
And, of course, donât forget to tweet us your pics today @KingFallsAM or Instagram us with the hashtag kingfalls, and we will repost those bad boys.
Sammy
Absolutely, Ben. But just because this show is winding down, doesnât mean weâre going to sleep on you! Weâve got a guest!
Ben
Weâre here with Ron Begley, of Begleyâs Bait and Tackle. Sponsor of todayâs outing.
[note: Ronâs voice can generally be described as âgruffâ, any descriptors in transcription are more-so]
Ron
[gruffly] Watch it, Ben. Outing is a big word. This is a gathering.Â
Sammy
Hey, nice to meet ya, Ron!
Ron
[sweetly] Nice meetinâ you too, Sammy! And always good to see you, Ben.
Sammy
Now, Ron. For all the listeners on the fence about making their way down to the Tourney today, what would you tell âem to change their minds?
Ron
Ah hell, if they arenât here now, they ainât coming.
Ben
Metaphorically thoughâ
Ron
[harshly] Donât use ten dollar words when a five dollar word will suffice, Ben. If the lazy bastards arenât up anâ at em and waiting on Mayor Grisham to fire that pistol, then there ainât no convincing them otherwise.
Sammy
Well, you know what- Weâve got quite the turn out here it seems, so uh, maybe everybody made it down?
Ron
[aggressively] Iâll give you fifty damn bucks if you show me Shell Snyderâs fat ass at this lake right now!
Ben
Uhhh, Iâm sure-
Ron
I saw that lazy son of a bitch at the town hidey-hole last night, and I know he hasnât drug his carcass outta bed.
Sammy
Hidey-hole?
Ben
Donât ask.
Ron
You want something thatâll put some asses in the seats? Iâll give you somethinâ and this oneâs for free. Today we got the fishing tournament, we got the bouncy house for the kiddies, we got that weird food truck that nobody ever eats at but it still shows up to all the King Falls events,
Ben
Aaand?
Ron
[teasing] And you know where Iâm going, Ben. And just last week out by the sunken pontoon boats⊠We had a sighting!
Ben
By the BOATS? That is so close.
Sammy
Alright guys. You got me. What did we see?
Ben
Sammyâ
Ron
Why, the Lake Hatchenhaw monster, Sammy!
Sammy
Monster.
Ron
Why the hell didnât you Wikipedia-Google-book this town before you moved your sweet ass to it?! Everybody in creation knows about the Lake Hatchenhaw monster!
Sammy
Alright, *chuckles* Iâm sorry. Uhhh, I donât mean to be rude, Ron, but youâre talking about your own version of the Lochâ
Ron
Donât. Say it. Donât even think it! That fake sh[bleep]show of a lake monster has nothinâ on Kingsie.
Ben
Youâll have to pardon Sammy. He doesnât believe in the extra-ordinary.
Ron
[softly for Ron] What a sad life you must live, Samuel.
Ben
So, Ron. This will be the fifth sighting this year, is that correct?
Ron
[happy/proud] Fifth this year! Sheâs been a busy one. Since I took over this shop from my dad, I donât know that we ever got Kingsie more than twice a year.
Sammy
Well, ya heard it here ladies and gents. Uh, If tournament, the bouncy house, and the weird food truck donât get you downâ Kingsie will.
Ron
Thatâs the spirit!
Sammy
*chuckles* Okay, about the tournament, Ron. What exactly is on the line here? Wha-Whats the prize today?
Ron
Same as every year, Sammy! Brand new bass boat with all the fixinâs and a 500 dollar check from the King Falls Chamber of Commerce.
Sammy
That is a hell of a prize! I might just put the mic down and have a go myself, guys!
Ron
More than welcome! [gruffly] But you better bring Ben along so you donât end up as a âfictional lake monsterââs din-din.
Ben
*sighs* Iâd love to be out on that lake today! Nothing like it!
Sammy
Ron Begley, everyone. Uh, Ron, thanks for dropping by and adding some color to the end of our broadcast today!
Ron
[quiet and angry] Is that a gay joke, Sammy?
Sammy
Uh, I-Iâm sorry, what?
Ben
Ron, not. At all.
Ron
[threateningly] Iâm not going to come on this show, and have you talkinâ trash. Iâm the only soul brave enough in this town to own my identity and Iâm not going to take any flack about itâ
Sammy
Ron. Ron. No harm was intended. I-I didnât even know.
Ron
[angry, almost shouting] Well now you do so watch your mouth! I like f[bleep]inâ and I like fightinâ and Iâm completely sure you donât want any part of either!
Sammy
I-I Ron. *nervous laugh* I meanâ
Ron
[pleasantly] Iâm just jerkinâ your chain, Sammy! Keep up the good work, guys!
Ben
*Laughing loudly* Oh, you should see your face!
Sammy
Thanks, Ben. Uhâ
Some Guy
*Slurred* Heyy Ben! What up duuude?
Ben
Heyy, uh, Matt! Uhhh. Weâre-weâre kinda live here, buddy.
Matt
Riiight on! ⊠maintain brahâŠ
Ben
Sorry.
Sammy
Oh, no worries, bro.
Ben
Uh, uh- alright folks! Youâll never believe who weâve got heading this way! The man of the hour, the man with all the power⊠Mayor Grisham.
Sammy
Mayor Grisham. Thanks so much for taking some time out to talk with us today!
Mayor Grisham
Oh, Iâve been wanting to! Believe me. But you boys are on so darn early! I just canât drag myself out of the bed.
Sammy
Understandable.
Mayor Grisham
However, my assistant, Riley, transcribes every show for me. Seems like youâre doing a great job. The both of you.
Ben
Oh! Thanks so much, Mayor Grisham!
Mayor Grisham
You got it, Ben! Hey, howâs your mom doing these days?
Ben
Great! Sheâll be thrilled that you mentioned her!
Mayor Grisham
Least I can do.
Sammy
Now, Mayor Grisham, youâre joining us today because in just a few short minutes weâre gonna be kicking off the 55th annual King Falls Bass Tournamentâ
Mayor Grisham
Absolutely! Itâs one of the perks of the job that makes it all worthwhile. I mean, who could turn down a beautiful morning on the lake, with all the people of King Falls?
Sammy
So, do you ever partake in the tournament yourself?
Mayor Grisham
*chuckles* I wouldnât want to put the King Falls residents to shame! Iâm quite an avid outdoorsman.
Sammy
Well, itâs nice of you to give everybody a sporting chance.
Mayor Grisham
Oh yeah.
Sammy
Now, before we let you go- and believe me I hate to break down the mood â
Mayor Grisham
Then donât.
Sammy
Oh, *chuckles nervously* well I-I was just gonna ask if you had heard any recent news regardingâŠ
Mayor Grisham
Sammy. Another time and another place.
Sammy
Well, Mayor Grisham. [floundering] We here, weâ
Mayor Grisham
Thatâs all at this time. Thanks for having me. Have your people call Riley and weâll schedule something soon, Sam.
Sammy
[confused and irritated] Heh⊠Okaay?
Ben
What is he- he- canât- weâre supposed to be here for another three minutes, Sammy.
Sammy
*unamused laugh* Itâs fine, Ben, uh- itâs not your fault.
Ben
Well, no. You ran him off, *scoffs* [growing frantic] buuut he was supposed to stay with us until we went live! with the opening ceremonies!
Sammy
Hey, hey. Itâs okay.
Ben
[worked up] Iâm going to fix this. Uh- I got it!
Sammy
Ben-Be- Well. That was Ben just leaving in a full sprint, kids. Uh, seems itâs just you and me now, uh, and the mayorâs assistant, recording our every word.
Voice in distance
Shotgun Sammy!
Sammy
*groans* Okay, so weâre about four minutes away from the top of the hour, and the tournament getting started. Uh, weâd like to wish all the participants today the best of luck, break legs, uh, you know catch fish, wh-what have you. Uh, watch out for Kingsie, obviouslâ
Ben
I got it! I got it! Iâm back!
Sammy
Oh, Benâs back ladies and gents! And he has a friend!
Ben
Sammy, King Falls, this is Mr. Herschel Baumgartner. Winner of last yearâs tournament! How you doing today, Mr. Baumgartner?
Herschel
Good, Benny. Real good. Just ready to get my spot and giveitago this year. Uh, you know itâs about to start, right boys?
Sammy
So, Herschel, you won the actual tournament last year, is that correct?
Herschel
Oh, you bet I did! Won it back in â92, and â89 as well. But donât go askinâ for tips now, son. Now if you excuse meâ
Sammy
Oh wow! So you are a three time winner of the King Falls Bass Tournament lookinâ for big number four this morning!
Herschel
[sarcastic] Huh, Big City can count. Weâre T-minus three minutes here, boys. If you donât have anything pressingâŠ
Ben
Uh, for the listeners, Mr. Baumgartner, wha-what would you say is, is, is, the-the most important partâ
Herschel
[suspiciously] Who put you up to this? Was it Cecil? [grumbling] Amateur, usurpinâ so-and-so-
Ben
No! We-we just needed to fill some time.*nervous laugh*
Herschel
Youâre going to pull me out of my boat to fill time? You are a DUMB son of a b[bleep]!
Sammy
[warning] Hey now!
Herschel
Donât you dad-voice me, son. Iâll put a boot rrright up your ass, just like I did those Krauts[1] back in WWII! [said âdubya-dubya twoâ]
Sammy
[harshly] You know what? Great talking to you Herschel.
Herschel
[grumbling] New-fangled radio bums, looking for a hand-out. I ainât givinâ ya no tips! No spots, no tricks oâ the trade! How I flick my wrist [fades out as he walks away]
[woman screams in bg]
Ben
Was⊠that a scream?
Sammy
[laughing dismissively] Iâm sure it was just someone seeing Mr. Baumgartnerâs lovely personality.
Ben
I think something might be up, Sammy. Seriously.
Sammy
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, as always, we thank you for tuning in with us here at King Falls AM. Weâre about to go live with the opening ceremonies at the 55th annual-
[another, longer scream. Someone in the bg yells âThereâs a body in the lake!â followed by sounds of an agitated crowd and a lot of people screaming]
Sammy
Folks, stay with us! It seems that a body has just surfaced here at Lake Hatchenhaw! Come on, Ben!
Ben
[incredulously] Weâre going there?
Sammy
Cronkite. Brokaw. Ben Arnold.
Ben
*huffs* Right.
[Deputy Troy yells incomprehensibly through a megaphone.]
Ben-at-a-distance
Tweet us!
[screaming continues]
Sammy
Alright, weâre on the dock. [aside] if we could just push pastâ Thereâs the mayor! Right there!
Deputy Troy
[through a megaphone] Everybody please stay calm!
Ben
[quiet,worried] What if itâs Tim?
Sammy
Mayor Grisham! Can you confirm that there is a body hereâ
Deputy Troy
[still through the megaphone] Sorry boys. I donât want to, but the Mayorâs going to cutâ
[audio cuts to static]
[KFAM outtro]
[CREDITS]
References
[1] Kraut - a derogatory term for a German, especially a German soldier, during WWI and WWII
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King Falls AM - Episode Two: That Book Is Overdue, President Lincoln!
View in Google Docs
[Podcast intro music]
Mayor Grisham
[âsincereâ politician voice] Stay vigilant, but most importantly: stay hopeful. And Tim, wherever you may be, just know that your friends, family, and everyone in King Falls is looking forward to your eventual, and safe return.
[KFAM rock intro music]
Sammy
Good evening, Iâm Sammy Stevens and youâre listening to 660 on the AM dial. Welcome to King Falls AM. Iâm here with Ben Arnold-
Ben
Again?
Sammy
Yes, again, Ben! Uh my producer-slash-cohost, emphasis on cohost. Uh, that voice we just heard from was Mayor Grisham, of course, speaking out about the recent disappearance of Tim Jenson.
Ben
If you or anyone you know has any information about Timâs disappearance, we urge you to reach out to the King Falls Sheriff Department.
Sammy
Now, on a lighter note, weâve got a big show tonight, folks. Weâve got an interview with Emily Potter, who will be telling us all about the grand re-opening of the King Falls Library in just a few short days.
Ben
[dully] Plus, a call from Doctor RaĂșl, later in the hour.
Sammy
I can hear the excitement in your voice, Ben. Youâve got your Gunninâ-for-Network-News Underoos on today.
Ben
Any network but Channel 13, Sammy! [quieter but with feeling] They can suck it.
Sammy
Now, before we bring in the lovely Miss Potter, weâre going toâ
Ben
[dubious and laughing] Is she lovely?
Sammy
Well, I mean, I havenât met her, but I assume sheâs a lovely person. Small-town librarian and all.
Ben
Lovelyâ personality? Gotcha.
Sammy
*slight laugh* It counts.
Ben
Thatâs what they say.
Sammy
So, okay. Before we bring in Miss Potterâ
Ben
Couldnât help but notice you didnât use any adjectives that time.
Sammy
Ben, is there something on your mind?
Ben
Not at all. Itâs just that, our old librarian, Mrs.Kilpatrick, was not what youâd call a lovelyyy⊠*pff* anything. Lady got her scholarship in war-torn Nazi Germany, so Iâm a bit apprehensive to call anyone running the town bookshack âlovely.â Can I just say? for the record? that Mrs. Kilpatrick used to place the âlearn-to-drawâ books in the reference section? [getting worked up] If anything, they were self-help books, and if a kid wants to check one out- learn how to draw Droopy the damn Dog- then maybe, they, should let him.
Sammy
*chuckle* Youâre not wrong, Ben, but maybeâ
Ben
[still worked up] I havenât told this to anyone ever, but when I was a kid, [slightly quieter like sharing a secret] I was walkinâ down the aisles, and I saw that old whisper-Nazi put âMein Kampfâ in the childrenâs section, and sheâ
Sammy
[cuts Ben off] Maybe! we can ask Miss Potter her opinions on the King Falls Hitler youth, uh, as well as opening up the phone lines to you, dear listeners, right after this commercial break.
[jaunty, polka-esque music]
Ernie
[New York accent] âey, Iâm Ernie. Maybe your car your truck ainât runninâ so good. Maybe you thinkinâ you need a new one! Iâm âere to tell youse, that ainât always the case. Maybe all you need is bring your car your truck down to Ernieâs Mufflers! Maybe you ask yourself, âERnie, whateveR Do You mEan?â What I mean is: bring your car down to Ernieâs Mufflers. Weâll have a trained and/or certified technician check on all your whosies, your whatsies, and maybe get you and your car your truck feelinâ good again.
[music stops]
Announcer
Ernieâs Mufflers! Come on down and ask about our King Falls AM discount.
[KFAM theme]
Sammy
Welcome back folks, and thanks for tuning in to King Falls AM. Sitting in the studio with us this evening isâ can I say lovely now, Ben?
Ben
[awestruck] Stunning.
Sammy
Is the lovely Miss Emily Potter. Sheâs here to talk more about the townâs libraryâs Grand Re-opening later this week, is that correct?
Emily
It is! Aand thank you for having me on, Sammy, and Ben! Iâve been listening to you every night!
Ben
[still awed] Beautiful.
Sammy
Well, we certainly appreciate it. Now- if you donât mind, catch me up to speed on why our fair townâs library was closed in the first place.
Ben
[murmured]Gorgeous.
Sammy
[softly prompting] Ben?
Ben
*gasps* Hey! Sammy.
Emily
Well, the library was closed due to renovation. Itâs an older building, andâ
BenÂ
[fast tour-guide-voice] Built by Francois Swindle, 1912. Largest brick-and-mortar structure in King Falls until 1918 when City Hall was built.
Emily
Oh my gosh! you are exactly right, Ben! So smart.
Sammy
Yâknow, Iâve driven past it. It is a magnificent building, uh- So theyâre just replacing some older fixtures, and what-have-you.
Emily
Oh no, the top floor of the library was set on fire.
Sammy
Iâm sorry, purposely? Wh-who tries to burn down a library?
Emily
Unfortunately that mystery is yet to be solved, but not for lack of trying. Sheriff Gunderson and Deputy Troy have been hard at work these past few months. Though, I think the bigger problem was the disappearance of Mrs. Kilpatrick.
Sammy
[hold-up-now voice] Wait a second. The library was set ablaze. The old librarian, Miss Kilpatrickâ
Ben
God rest her soul.
Sammy
-has disappeared. What is going on here? I mean, a-are there any leads? Yâknow, other than Ben?
Ben
[nervously] Hah! Good one, Sammy! *nervous laugh* What a kidder! Iâm no-Iâm not- Iâm not sure why youâd say that, at this time.
Sammy
Two words. Book. Shack. Uh, but- but I mean, seriously, folks. How many people are missing in this town?
Ben
*clears throat* Emily- uh, c-can I call you Emily?
Emily
Please do!
Ben
Ca-can you tell the listeners anything that might- help shed some light on these subjects?
Emily
Well, for weeks leading up to the fire, Mrs. Kilpatrick had been having⊠visions.
Sammy
[skeptical] Visions.
Emily
Yes. To the point where upper management had been talking about retirement. [hesitantly] I⊠I donât know if we should be talking about this, with the investigation ongoing and all.
Sammy
I thinkâ
Ben
[overly earnest] Maybe it could help, Emily- your words, your magnificent words, could be our best- last chance at saving- dear Mrs. Kilpatrick.
Emily
[she sounds like a smile] Youâre right, Benny.
Sammy
UmâŠ
Emily
The vision she had was by the checkout desk? At first it was a shadowy figure carrying a book. Upon closer inspectionâ she realized it was actually [timidly] President Lincoln, who, she believed, was trying to check out a book.
Sammy
[very skeptically] President- Abraham Lincoln.
Ben
[mocking] Sixteenth president of the United States, geeeez Sammy, catch up, will ya?
Emily
This went on every night at closing for close to a week. Until the second vision appeared.
Ben
Go on.
Emily
She watched from the second floor as President Lincoln brought the book to the front desk.
Sammy
[clearly not buying it] Just by chance, uh, what book does a deceased president of the United States try to check out?
Ben
âTwelve Years a Slaveâ, duhh.
Sammy
Alright, too easy, Ben. How âbout, uh, âHow to Lose Friends and Alienate People.â
Emily
I donât think-
Ben
I like it, but I think Lincoln is probably more of a âWho Moved My Cheese?[1]â type.
Emily
Privacy and allâ I-I couldnât say even if I wanted to.
Ben
Yeah Sammy, privacy and all!
Sammy
[sarcastic chagrin] Of course. Library-patient privilege, gotcha. So, please continue, Miss Potter.
Emily
So, she watched from afar, quietly putting away the periodicals. Then, she felt a wind rush past her to the ledge. Thatâs, when she saawwwâ
Sammy
What did she see?
Emily
A vision of John Wilkes-Booth. Peering over the ledge, watching the president as he waited for a librarian that never came.
Ben
Fascinating.
Sammy
Okayâ
Ben
Oh here comes Mr. Skeptic- [aside] he didnât believe in General Abileneâ Lemme guess Sammy, you donât believe in Presidents of the United States either? The Great Emancipator.
Sammy
[peeved] Oh Ben, will you stop it. Iâm just wary- that a ghost ofâ
Ben and Emily
Vision.
Sammy
Right. Eh- That a vision of President Lincoln and his assassin would be wandering the halls of King Falls Public Library, thatâs all.
Emily
I understand your reticence to believe in the visions, Sammy. I thought the same thing. But, as Iâm sure as Ben can attest, Mrs. Kilpatrick wasnât one toâ
Ben
If she said she saw it? She saw it.
Sammy
So, she has visions. Um, what does that have to do with the fire?
Emily
Well- Mrs. Kilpatrick actually lived in a small apartment in the library.
Sammy
In the library?! Ugh, that might be creepier than the visions.
Emily
She complained to management about the noises, the visits. Apparently, there were argumentsâ
Sammy
Arguments? Between Lincoln and Booth?
Ben
So they were keeping Old Lady Kilpatrick awake at night.
Sammy
And, yâknow, then Kilpatrick gets fed up. Uh, thereâs no Peter Venkman[2] to call, so she does what she can do and sets the place on fire?
Emily
Well, I donât know if Mrs. Kilpatrick wouldâve done that.
Ben
All due respect? Oh, she would have!
Sammy
[glibly] I think itâs cut and dry, actually, you know? Maybe we should call Deputy Troy and solve this cold case.
Ben
Well, what do you think happened, Emily?
Emily
I have to assume that Booth did what he could to get to the president again. Unofficially, of course. Ahâ god, we- we shouldnât even talk about this with the investigation and all.
Sammy
Alright, well, that said, weâre gonna open up the phone lines now. Weâre talkinâ about the library opening back up later this week, uh, after some difficulties; maybe youâve got a question for Emily!
Ben
Maybe youâve seen the visions in the library as well, we-weâd love to hear about that.
Sammy
Or that too. Uh, Youâve heard our story, now letâs hear yours. 424-279-3858.
Ben
Or tweet us @KingFallsAM. Line 12, uh, wouldnât give a name.
Sammy
Youâre on King Falls AM.
Line 12
Yeah, Iâve got a question for Emily.
Emily
Hi!
Line 12
So letâs say that⊠my friend checked out a book last year, and- due to the fire and the closing- wasnât able to return it on time. Are overdue charges being forgiven?
Emily
If you couldnât return it due to our renovation, then, Iâm sure we can overlook it.
Line 12
Cool!
Sammy
Thanks for the question.
Line 12
Wait! Iâve got another question for Emily!
Emily
Oh! Okay?
Line 12
Are you seeing anybodâ
[click, dial tone]
Ben
Next caller! Uh, weâve got line 4, Cynthia.
Sammy
Hello Cynthia, youâre on the air.
Cynthia
[Cynthia has a high-pitched, nasally, persistent âI want to speak to your managerâ voice] From what I gathered on this interview as well as the news report that Channel 13 ranâ
Ben
*snickers* You shouldnât listen to them, Cynthia.
Cynthia
Excuse me Ben! Excuse me!
Sammy
Cynthiaâ
Cynthia
From what Iâm gathering, the library- if you wanna call it that- is a Despot of Desolation. Arson? Check. âFifty Shades of Greyâ? Check. Presidential assassins? Cheeeck!
Emily
Cynthia, I believeâ
Cynthia
What are you, twelve? And youâre running the show? Could we at least get an adult to watch over that Den of Depravity?
Sammy
Cynthia, I think we could probably argue that the worst of the libraryâs problems are behind it.
Ben
This is a new chapter in its history! *stutters* Did you see what I did there, Emily?
Emily
*laughs* Youâre so funny!
Cynthia
Oh my god. Hose those two down, Sammy. Itâs unbearable.
Sammy
Cynthia, did you have a question regarding the library?
Cynthia
Yes. My boys are ten and six. Does the revamped library have a kidsâ corner?
Emily
It most certainly does!
Cynthia
[snooty] Are you overseeing it?
Emily
Yes I am!
Cynthia
*scoffs*Â [click]
[dial tone]
Ben
Weeeâve got line 8, Sammy.
Sammy
King Falls AM.
Line 8
Hey King Falls. Long-time listener. First-time caller.
Ben
Long time?
Sammy
Uh- The station appreciates the patrionage.[sic]
Line 8
I donât listen to the station really, I- [low, âseductiveâ tone] I listen to you.
[click, dial tone]
Emily
Oh.
Sammy
Okaaay.
Ben
Yikes. Uh, try 14, Sammy.
Sammy
Good evening, welcome to the show.
Line 14
[shaky, old-woman voice] I saw the president.
Ben
Oh! Another sighting!
Sammy
Maâam, are we talking about President Lincoln at King Falls Library? or President Obama on Fox News typeâa thing?
Line 14
Lincoln.
Ben
[triumphantly] Hoh!
Emily
Mrs. Kilpatrick?
Probably Mrs. Kilpatrick
I saw him! [click]
[dial tone]
Sammy
Well terrific, I mean, I didnât need to sleep tonight anyways, itâs fine.
Ben
Uh, one more before commercial. We- weâve got Greg, line 1.
Sammy
Greg, do ya have a question for us?
Greg [def. Line 12 from earlier]Â
Yes, this question is for Emily? If a man, such as- my friend- wanted to court you, would you be availablâ
Ben
[click, dial tone]Â Pay some bills, Sammy.
Sammy
Emily, thank you so much for being here with us tonight- enlightening us with the tales of the library.
Emily
Oh it was my pleasure. I just want all the listeners to know that, while we canât wish the visions away? they more than likely will stay away from us in crowds, so please come join me for the re-opening ceremonies this Thursday at 10AM!
Ben
I will be there.
Emily
Youâre a sweetheart, Benny. Thanks for having me on, guys.
[door shutting]
Ben
[excitedly] Any time, Emily!
Sammy
Sheâs gone, âBenny.â
Ben
[hostile] Ben.
Sammy
Oh! So only Emily can call you Benny.
Ben
Sh-she didnât call me⊠âBennyâ. *scoff/laugh* Youâre ridiculous.
Sammy
Oh yeah, thatâs me. Look, I get it. I mean, sheâs a very attractive girl, and you guys hit it offâ
Ben
[pleased] We did, didnât we.
Sammy
But really, she called you Bennâ
Ben
Donât
Sammy
*chuckles* Thatâs the Ben we know and love, folks.
Ben
Yeah, yeah.
Sammy
Alright! Now after this quick message from our sponsors, weâre gonna be back and weâre gonna be talking with Dr. RaĂșl from the King Falls Chiropractic Center and getting daily tips to keep our backs on the straight and narrow. And Iâm sure Ben will be just as flirtatious with the good doctor.
Ben
*tsk* [lightly] Is he lovely too?
[outtro music]
[CREDITS]
References:
[1] âWho Moved My Cheese?â - per Wikipedia: âWho Moved My Cheese? An Amazing Way to Deal with Change in Your Work and in Your Lifeâ, published on September 8, 1998, is a motivational business fable. The text describes change in one's work and life, and four typical reactions to those changes by two mice and two "Littlepeople", during their hunt for cheese.â
[2] Peter Venkman - Dr. Peter Venkman is one of the original Ghostbusters. He has doctorates in both psychology and parapsychology. Played by Bill Murray
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KFAM - Episode 1 -Â May 1, 2015
View in Google Docs
[podcast intro music]
[Soft jazz music]
Chet Sebastian
[Mellow] So then Charlie Parker pulled his gun, but, hey, thatâs jazz, right? This has been Chet Sebastianâs Jazz corner. Thanks for listening, and stay cool, cats.
[Rock intro music]
Sammy
Good evening, Iâm Sammy Stevens and youâre listening to King Falls AM. Thatâs 660 on the radio dial. This is my first show. Hell, its my first day in King Falls! so letâs talk about it, shall we?
[CENSOR BEEP]
Sammy
And I think we just set our first record on the show, ladies and gents. Getting bleeped in the first thirty seconds.
Ben
Language. Weâre family friendly.
Sammy
Itâs 2 AM, Ben. *small laugh* I mean, I think we can probably give hell a pass.
[BEEP]
Sammy
Okay, new rule: if itâs part of Carlin Seven[1] or derivatives of: bleep away. Other than that, letâs cool the censor jets, Ben. Uh, for all you listening out there, Iâd love to introduce you to our producer, Benjamin Arnold.
Ben
Thatâs okay.
Sammy
Weâre live, Benny.
Ben
Itâs Ben. And I-I just- I donât wanna, ruin the, journalistic integrity oâ
Sammy
Of this show? Weâre an AM late night talk show.
Ben
As I was saying: I donât want to ruin the journalistic integrity of myself, Sammy.
Sammy
Oh, itâs besmirched. It's solidly besmirched. So, why don't you just, uh, make use of that mic, and pull it up, and have at it?
Ben
*sighs* [bleep]
Sammy
*laughs* Alright, youâre here with Sammy and Ben. Not Benjamin, not Benny, but Ben. Uh, heâs my producer, our journalist-with-integrity, and uh, professional censorist.
Ben
*laughs* Oh, man.
Sammy
As I was saying kids, itâs my first day on the job here, my first day in town, and Iâd love to open up the phone lines to you, our lovely King Falls listeners, and talk about this beautiful little place.
Ben
[proudly] It is nice, isnât it?
Sammy
h- Nice doesnât even begin to describe it. I mean, the little shops, the scenery. It's literally a mountain Mayberry.[2]
Ben
Oh, you have no idea! Weâve been voted best small town in America six years straight by the King Falls Chamber of Commerce.
Sammy
⊠The town voted the town, Best Small- Town in America?
Ben
Oh yeah! There was a ribbon presentation, a parade down Main Street. Six years running.
Sammy
Iâm not sure thatâs the way it works, Ben.
Ben
Couldnât imagine being anywhere else in the world.
Sammy
Alright, now, wait a second. You were talking to me right before the show started, and itâs your dream job to be one of the great journalists of all time. âCronkite. Brokaw. Ben Arnold.â
Ben
Thatâs the dream! That-thatâs the goal.
Sammy
But you canât imagine being anywhere else.
Ben
[awkwardly] Well! Letâs be fair. Thereâs-Thereâs the King Falls Gazette, thereâs- King Falls AM, of course. Even those clowns over at Channel 13. If you knew King Falls, youâd know that everything you ever need to talk about, is right here.
Sammy
Huh. Well, you know, maybe youâve got a point. I mean, worst case scenario, youâre gonna have a great perspective on the ribbon cutting ceremonies.
Ben
[excitedly] Actually, Iâve had a great perspective for the past three years! And last year? I got a seat next to Mayor Grisham. *pleased huff* I could see that velvety blue ribbon being cut.
Sammy
Alright, alright. Riveting stuff, Ben. But you know what, before we open up the phone lines tonight, to uh, talk to you folks for the first time, Iâd like to take one hot minute and just send a special shout out to a new friend of the show, Deputy Troy, uh, Craiger, Kroger?
Ben
[disdainfully] Kreighauser.
Sammy
Thatâs the one! Now, Deputy Troy couldâve dropped an elbow on me with the long arm of the law when he pulled me over this evening.
Ben
He pulled you over?! *chuckles* Wow. I thought his car was just decoration. What the heck did you do that he pulled you over?
Sammy
Yeah, okay. It was the weirdest thing. So, Iâm running late, and I canât miss the first show, right? So Iâm gunning it. Over the mountain, through the woods, no time for grandma, and uh, you know, maybe Iâm just not used to the winding roads up here, but I get-I get a little lost and my phone zoinks out and I got no GPS, I got no Apple Maps (not that anybodyâs using it) andâ
Ben
Donât tell me- Sweetzer Forest?
Sammy
That is exactly where! How-How did you know that?
Ben
Oh, it gets everybody! The listeners know that. Legend has it, thereâs an apparition of an old general that changes the directions on the signs so he doesnât lead his troops into one of the bloodiest massacres in King Falls history.
Sammy
Cool story, bro, but, there wasnât a sign.
Ben
Thatâs a new one! Thinking on his toes. I like it!
Sammy
The ghost?
Ben
Whoa! They prefer apparition. Like, when you call a dwarf a midget, and itâs not cool?
Sammy
Okay. So youâre telling me that instead of just getting lost up in the hills, a ghostâ
Ben
Apparition.
Sammy
*chuckles* An apparition, was screwing with me?
Ben
That's one hundred percent what Iâm saying. It gets everybody.
Sammy
⊠Right.
Ben
You donât believe me? They don't have apparitions in the Big City, Sammy?
Sammy
Not that Iâm aware of, no.
Ben
*scoffs* Letâs go to the phones. King Falls, our new pal, Sammy, doesnât believe in the Sweetzer Forest apparition. 424-279-3858.
Sammy
Okay now. Iâm not saying Iâ
Ben
[cutting him off] Phone lines are already blowing up! Uh, letâs see, I don't know, oh-uh, line six! Deputy Troy.
Sammy
Deputy Troooy!
Deputy Troy
[laughing] Y'all shouldâve seen it. General Abilene got him good.
Sammy
General Abilene? He has a name now?
Ben
You never read about Abileneâs last stand? What are they teaching you Big City kids? [making a point] Well, whyâd you pull him over, Troy?
Sammy
Okay, obviously , I was going a little too fast for my own goodâ
Deputy Troy
I sure didnât see no speedinâ, Benny.
Ben
[flatly] Itâs Ben.
Deputy Troy
Sammy looked like a dog chasinâ its tail for for damn near twenty minutes! Guy was just goinâ in circles. Looked like he was lappinâ the field in the King Falls 500!
Ben
Sound familiar, Sammy?
Sammy
Circles? No. I mean, I took a left here, and a right there. It couldnât have been more than a minute or two before Deputy Troy threw up the olâ red and blues.
Deputy Troy
Try twenty minutes. If I hadnâtâa intervened, itâs a fact weâd all be listening to olâ Chet blow that horn for another couple hours. You gotta watch out for the general! Heâs sneakier than a honey badger in a bee hive!
Ben
See?
Deputy Troy
Ah hell, [low siren in bg] I think I just saw one of the Williamâs boys just ding-dong-ditch olâ Ms. Baker. [faint tire squeal] I gotta go boys. [quietly in bg] Ah, son of a b[bleep]! That little mother[bleep]!
Sammy
Well, on that note boys and girls, [click] weâre gonna pay some bills and keep the lights on in our little cabin we call a radio station. Ben and I will be right back after a message from our sponsors.
[Car horn, tire squeal, sound of car crashing]
Announcer voice
Uh-oh! Have you recently been in an automobile accident!? Are you tender over a fender-bender?
High-pitched voice
Owwwiee!
Announcer
Donât let the insurance company fool you into just unscuffinâ and buffinâ! Let Rosenburg, Rothchild and Dirk get you the settlement that you deserve!
Caveman voice
DIRK GET YOU MONEY
Woman
[singing jauntily] â«Iiif you got your car smashed by some jerk, call Rosenburg Rothchild aaand-â«
Caveman
DERRRRRK!
[KFAM music]
Sammy
Thank you folks out there for listening to AM 660, home of the King Falls AM. So, youâve heard our story, now letâs hear yours. Give us a call here at the station. Todayâs topic: King Falls. What do you love? What should I know as a new resident? Give me your on-air Yelp reviews. 424-279-3858, or tweet us @kingfallsam.
Ben
Line 3.
Sammy
Youâre on King Falls AM.
Line 3
[Low, gravelly] The producer was right.
Sammy
Um, Iâm sorry?
Line 3
You shouldnât make light of the spirits.
Sammy
[incredulous] The spirits?
Line 3
Down Sweetzer forest, you jest about the spirits, but youâll come to regret it. Thatâs a fact, Big City.
[click, dial tone]
Sammy
Oookay, uh, so. *mildly disturbed chuckle* Weâre taking your calls, kids. Tell us what you love about the Falls, your likes, your favorite things to do and seeâ
Ben
Orrr, maybe your favorite run in with General Abilene!
Sammy
Uh-huh.
Ben
Weâve got Finn on Line 7.
Sammy
Finn?
Finn
[perpetually excited] Oh, yeah! Itâs Finn! Thanks for takinâ my call! How ya doing tonight, Sammy!?
Sammy
*chuckles* Well, weâre doing alright, thanks forâ
Finn
See, Iâm an over-the-road driver. I drive the big semi-trucks- logginâ mostly, ya know?! And I have to tell you guys, I absolutely love it every time I drive through King Falls!
Sammy
Well, alright! Now, why do you thinkâ
Finn
Itâs just a beautiful town, isnât it!? Scenic, and quiet as a cemetery!
Sammy
[softly] Is it that quiet?
Finn
Donât you know it! I usually run through about three- four in the morninâ. The townâs just sittinâ there off Route 72 like one of those Thomas Kinkade[3] paintings. You know the Thomas Kinkade!
Sammy
Yeah, of course. Heâs the uhâ
Finn
All the twinkle-twinkle lights, pretty-as-a-picture. You know!
Ben
We know!
Sammy
Do you ever make your way into town, Finn?
Finn
I havenât ever gotten to stop, yet. Other than Roseâs diner, off the exit? But I can rreeally imagine settlinâ down and doinâ all the towny stuff with the family, ya know!?
Sammy
*chuckles* Well, you know what? Next time youâre passing through, you swing on by the station and say hi, Finn.
Finn
O-can-do, friends! Lookinâ forward to that! Holy SH[bleep]!!
Sammy
[alarmed] Finn? Finn, are you alright?
Finn
Iâm dandy! But I just saw the biggest light-show-hullabaloo I ever seen! Looks like that Captain EO[4] laser light show at the Disney!
Ben
[confused] Captain EO?
Finn
Lit up the sky like the American Independence Day fire shows!
Ben
[still unsure] Fireworks?
Finn
Yeah! You know! Itâs still going! The night looks- like the day!
Sammy
Ben, can you check outside?
Ben
On it.
Finn
I-I-Iâm gonna let you go! Too much goinâ on to be phoninâ into the show! [door closing in bg] Y-y-you fellas take care!
Sammy
You too, Finn. Uh, you know, keep it between the lines, buddy.
Finn
You know it!
[click]
Sammy
[muttering] Uh, okay, how do you d- work this- uh. [normally] Line 2, youâre on King Falls AM.
Line 2
[lisping, kind of] Hey Shammy!
Sammy
Heh-howdy! Give King Falls some love.
Line 2
I jush wanted- I jush wanted to call- Iâm jusht a really big fan. A Big fan- I mean big.
Sammy
The show just started minutes ago.
Line 2
[awkwardly] Yeah, this showâs- alright too⊠But Iâve been following your days since you were Shotgun Shammy!
Sammy
[slightly nostalgic] Oh wow, Shotgun Sammy. *chuckles* Where are you located?
Line 2
Ohhh here and there. Itâs a localized global world now! With the internet and technology. I just wanted to say, *awkward laughter* âHi.â Itâs just so- I love the show.
Sammy
Well, thanks for listening. [door closing in bg] And we appreciate it! What was your name again?
Line 2
[shouting] Shotgun Sammyyy!
Ben
[eagerly] You gotta see this! That truck driver wasnât kidding! The whole place is lit up like- Christmas! or- something. Uh- Is anyone else out there seeing this? Look, the phone lines are on fire, man.
Sammy
Uh, Line 1, youâre on the air.
Line 1
Hey guys, yeah, Iâm- Iâm, uh- Iâm seeinâ it the same as you are.
Sammy
Well, now, who are we talking to?
Line 1
Oh, sorry, uh, Tim. Tim Jensen. Iâm heading home from work out on Route 72? And Iâm-Iâm looking at the lights.
Ben
That looks like the direction theyâre coming from.
TimÂ
Yeah, thereâs no doubt about that. Theyâre-theyâre right on top of the old mill down off- Clower Street. It looks like- youâre looking into like, three different suns.
Sammy
Three?
TimÂ
Yeah, these, uh- rainbow- lights? I-I donât know what youâd call âem. Theyâre coming from these three triangle-shaped thingies.
Ben
UFOs?
TimÂ
Hey- Hey. I did not say the âUâ word. I said Triangle. Shaped⊠Thingies.
Sammy
[glibly] You know, a technical term.
Ben
W-w-whatâre the triangles doing, Tim?
[eerie sci-fi bg music]
TimÂ
Theyâre just hovering! Iâd say maybe two or- or three stories up off the ground? [getting slightly nervous] Theyâve moved on past the mill now.
Sammy
Wh-wh- Can you describeâ
[deep, ominous, pulsing whir enters music]
TimÂ
Wai-wait. Hold on a second, theyâre- theyâre moving closer to the road I think.
Sammy
Alright, you are our eyes, Tim. Tell us what you see.
TimÂ
[absently worried] The hell is that thing doing?
Sammy
Be careful out there, Tim.
TimÂ
It just turned the other direction, and-and- and crossed the road. Couple hundred yards ahead- I-Iâm gonna slow down.
[whirring stops]
Sammy
Describe, if you canâ
TimÂ
It just stopped! [music stops] Right above the road!
Ben
Stopped? W-whatâre-
[whir]
TimÂ
The lights just changed direction again! Itâs definitely heading this way!
Sammy
Turn around, Tim.
[slow, building whir]
TimÂ
Oh hell, th- theyâre coming fast! Guys!
Ben
Get out of there, Tim!
Sammy
Ben, call Deputy Troy. [deep whir growing in volume] Stay safe out there Tim!
TimÂ
Ah sh[bleep] Theyâre-theyâre right above me! I-I canât see! [whir is louder than voices] The lights! NO! [loud building buzz/zoom, like a racecar accelerating] NO! NOO! *SCREAMING*
[silence]
[dial tone]
Sammy
Tim? Hello, Tim? Can- Tim?
Ben
[solemnly] Lineâs dead, Sammy.
Sammy
*heavy sigh* O-okay, uh folks, weâre just gonna take a quick break here. Uh, weâll be right back to take more of some of your King Falls favorites.
Ben
I-Iâve got Troy here.
[quietly in background:
Sammy: Troy, hey are you listening to this? Ben, can you try to dial line one back, please?]
[rock outro music]
[CREDITS]
King Falls AM is a production of the Make Believe Picture Company. For credits, as well as more information about King Falls AM, you can find us on Twitter @kingfallsam, on Facebook, and at kingfallsam.com. Thanks for listening to 660 on the radio dial.
References:
[1] Carlin Seven - Seven dirty words to never say on air (sh*t, p*ss, f*ck, c*nt, c*cks*cker, motherf*cker, and t*ts)
[2] Mayberry - A fictional small town featured in âThe Andy Griffin Showâ
[3] Thomas Kinkade - âThe Painter of Lightâ, a popular American artist, known for his paintings of pastoral scenes, cottages, and the like, often with lit windows. (There are a lot of puzzles featuring his work)
[4] Captain EO - a 1986 American 3D science fiction film that was shown at Disney theme parks from 1986 through 1996. The movie stars Michael Jackson, was written by George Lucas and directed by Francis Ford Coppola. The film was shown as part of an attraction with in-theater effects.
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KFAM Transcript Guide
Note: My goal in creating these transcripts is to provide readers with as close an experience to listeners as I can. I make a lot of notes on tone and sound descriptions, and manipulate text (without messing with font family or color) in ways that I feel best convey how things are audibly expressed. Therefore, such things are very much subject to my own interpretation.
Things to know:
[these are sound effects, music, background noises]
[these refer to the tone people are speaking in]
*these are sounds people make, like sighs and laughs*
superscripts after words/phrases[1] mean there is an explanation of the reference being made at the end of the transcript
[1] unless it says âsicâ instead of a number, which means the words are transcribed as said, even if theyâre not said correctly
Any other punctuation or alteration in text is meant to be indication of how things are said.
Notes on frequent callers; most of these are noted upon the characterâs first appearance, but left out after that. Anyone not on this list, I either havenât gotten to or has no real distinctive tone overall. But if you ask Iâll do my best to describe them:
Emily Potter
Generally, Emily sounds like sunshine
Troy Krieghauser
Troy has a southern accent and sounds like friendship.
Herschel Baumgartner
Herschel is a grumpy, old man. He sounds like a swear.
Cecil Sheffield [âSessilâ not âSeesilâ]
Cecil is also very old. His voice is often slightly shaky and confused, and slurred from drink.
Pete Myers
Pete speaks very quickly and is permanently stuck between âIt wasnât me!â and âSo there!â
Ron Begley
Ron has a deep, gruff voice. Heâs definitely a bear. (not the animal kind)
Archie Simmons
Archie sounds like a Dramatic Gayâą Gossip with a southern accent and is always accompanied by the yapping of tiny dogs.
Doyle Bevins
Doyle is a stoner. He sounds like a stoner.
Cynthia Higgenbaum
Cynthia has a high-pitched, nasally, persistent âI want to speak to your managerâ voice.
Riley Bevins
I legit thought Riley was an automated message at first.
Mayor Steven Grisham
Grisham is a smarmy politician. He sounds like a smarmy politician.
Finn
Finn has never not been excited in his entire life. His volume suggests heâs always using speakerphone, but Iâm not willing to bet on that. (Good for him if he is, though)
Dr. Jeffrey Rosenblum
Dr. Rosenblumâs voice is measured and monotonous and mildly creepy at all times, especially when saying words/phrases meant to express any kind of feeling, like âWowzers.â
Ernie Salcedo
Ernie, or whatever heâs calling himself this time, has a heavy New York(-ish) accent. He sounds like the kind of person who says âwhosie whatsiesâ
Howard Ford Beauregard III
HFB3 has a âHigh Class-Better Than Youâ drawl at all times. Except âHigh Classâ from 200 years ago.
Mary Jensen
Mary has a southern accent. She sounds like your best friendâs mom calling you âhoneyâ and asking if you want pie.
Tim Jensen
Tim doesnât have a notable accent/feel to his voice, though he often sounds nervous.
Reverend Xavier Hawthorne
Hawthorne leads a for-profit, travelling mega-church. He sounds like it and over enunciates.
Chet Sebastian
Chet has a deep, smooth, overly-suggestive voice. Good for jazz, bad for sexual harassment claims.
[CREDITS]
King Falls AM is a production of the Make Believe Picture Company. For credits, as well as more information about King Falls AM, you can find us on Twitter @kingfallsam, on Facebook, and at kingfallsam.com. Thanks for listening to 660 on the radio dial.
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