#MY FUCKING HUSBAND. MY WIFE. WHATEVER. LONG POST IN A FEW ABOUT GROWTH AND SHIT. FUCKING HELL

[mysteriouslybluepirate]

I FUCKING LOVE IZZY HANDS

JESUS CHRIST

#izzy hands #YEAH this is about episodes 4/5 #IM FUCKING EMOTIONAL- HIS ARC! I JUST- ADKHDDKHHH #OH????? AND WE GET IZZY IN DRAG IN THE TEASER? AND A FUCKING MASOCIST JOKE!?!?!?!?!? #MY FUCKING HUSBAND. MY WIFE. WHATEVER. LONG POST IN A FEW ABOUT GROWTH AND SHIT. FUCKING HELL #ofmd s2 #ofmd izzy #ofmd season 2 #ofmd 2 #con oneill #ofmd s2 ep4 #ofmd s2 ep5

[adventures-in-poly]

0 Posts in 2020

You’d think that I’d have something Very Profound to say about the interactions between the pandemic and poly, but it turns out I haven’t wanted to write about that subject very much at all. I won’t say that the pandemic has sucked all the inspiration from my brain, just that it has shuffled inspiration around in unexpected ways and away from writing.

The pandemic has felt like it’s pressed the pause button on my poly life. My husband (M) can’t go out on dates because OTHER PEOPLE ARE DANGEROUS. I also can’t go out on dates for the same reason, but moreover, I choose not to go on dates because I’m just So Damn Exhausted. I’ve seen my boyfriend (Crow) only three times this year: once before the pandemic and twice since, and that’s only possible because his house has this large porch where we can do social distancing outside. I haven’t kissed him since January and I’ve only hugged him once, masks on and faces turned away, and I held my breath the whole time. I haven’t had sex with anyone in over a year, and I can’t even “blame” that on the pandemic. It’s a choice. Guess I’ve gone full asexual, and I say “guess” because, while asexual is an accurate descriptor, I still don’t feel really great about adopting that as a personal identity. I’m not even upset about the no sex part though. I’m happy about it. My Magic Wand knows exactly what I want and all the nuances of my body and it’s much less painful than skin on skin.

The pandemic is NOT a good thing. It is NOT a good thing that millions of people have died, and it is NOT a good thing that we as a community are touch-starved and relationship-starved and can’t seem to figure our shit out.

That said.

I’m going to be honest. It has felt nice not having to worry, poly-wise. I hate that that’s a thing that I feel, but this blog is and has always meant to be about honesty. It feels like a relief knowing that I am not going to be in a situation where I have to watch my husband drunkenly and sloppily hit on other women at parties that we are meant to both enjoy. It feels like a relief knowing that he isn’t going to tell me, “I’m going to meet someone that I’ve been talking to on Tinder”, that the bomb isn’t going to fall on me. Because that’s what it is. “I came in like a wrecking ball.” The fear that someone else will enter our lives - my life - and I’ll have no control over it, and I’ll hate it, and I’ll lose myself.

I have a lifelong fear of being replaced. Of being “not good enough”. I hesitate to call it a fear of being unlovable, because I’ve never doubted that people love me and like me. I think they do. But the fear is that, when my needs butt up against someone else’s, theirs will always win. As a child, my parents taught me all about caring for other people, being generous, being self sacrificing, being kind. They immigrated to the US from England a few years before I was born, and as a result, I was brought up with a European mindset (others before yourself) in an American environment (look out for number one). And, as a result -- even though my parents were extraordinarily caring, even though I was an only child, even though they were generous with their time and attention, even though I had a very happy childhood -- I somehow learned that I would always be second place. Always the one to sleep on the floor at sleepovers so the guest or the host could get the bed. Always the one to get a boring piece of cake so a louder and therefore more deserving child could get the piece with the flower. Petty shit like that that translated into real adult problems. Just two nights ago, on New Year’s Eve, I had told my husband I’d wanted us to change the sheets, and as I ascended the stairs to bed I forlornly reminded him that we hadn’t changed the sheets - terrified and fully preparing myself to be let down because he was having a good time at an online New Year’s Eve party and of course that meant that my needs would subside. (They didn’t. The world doesn’t work like that. My husband shows me over and over again that my needs are important to him, and yet I Still Never Learn.)

I can say with full honestly that I am no longer really jealous of my boyfriend and his wife anymore. I used to be, a little. I used to be jealous that he would want to visit her at her shift before he came over for dates, or that he’d want to bring her to casual outings with me, or that at any point the two of them could decide they’d want to move back to San Diego and that would be that. I don’t feel those things anymore. I haven’t for a long time. It’s some sort of consequence of she and I becoming legitimate good friends, plus me and my husband moving an hour away, plus just being too damn old and too damn tired to give shits anymore.

Then again, their relationship was never the kind that was going to prick my skin up and put me on guard. I was the new person, not her. I don’t have a complex about older, more established relationships.

But the idea of my husband finding somebody new, even though our relationship is solid? Sends me into chaos. Even now. I wish I could say that it’s changed in the 5 years since we opened things up, but it hasn’t. It hasn’t really at all.

I’d wanted this blog to document my journey from new to seasoned poly, from a jealous wreck to someone who had learned to love herself and meditate through the pain. That’s not what happened. I’m not sure if it’s ever going to happen. My husband hasn’t had enough actual relationships to give me practice experiencing the very discomfort that makes me want to scream until my insides explode out, and the few times it has happened, I felt like I was living in a shock chamber and turning into the kind of person I don’t want to be.

I wanted to evolve, for the sake of my readers, into someone who fully accepts a poly lifestyle. To show that it can be done. No -- to show, specifically, that I could do it, that I could logic and reason my way through all the shit and prove myself to be better than my jealousy. I don’t think that’s what’s going to end up happening. I think it’s no secret at this point that I don’t really love this whole poly thing. I am still actively choosing it, but not always for reasons that I endorse. What if I decided I didn’t want to do it anymore? Would I lose my husband? Would I lose my boyfriend? Could I ethically give up my relationship with my boyfriend to create monogamy with my husband? Could I ethically ask my husband not to go on dates while I still retain my relationship with my boyfriend? It’s all shit, really. None of it is a good outcome. And the pandemic has allowed me to stall my non-decisions for a year because it’s not like we can see other people anyway. And isn’t it great when some external force gives you a reprieve from the things you’re afraid of.

But while the pandemic has put my poly life on pause, it’s put my healing and growth around poly stuff on pause as well. Sure, it feels fucking great on the surface, but it’s not actual growth. I’m not forever in a place where I will feel secure. It’s going to end eventually (vaccinate me, babyyyyyyyy!!!), and the parties will start again, and the dates will start again, and my terrified introvert ass is afraid that everything collectively will swing in the opposite direction super hard. Free love! Casual sex everywhere! Everyone wants to hang out all the time! How could you possibly want to be alone at a time like this! And that fear extends beyond poly stuff and beyond just me and my husband - I’m not ready for the world to become a giant party. I don’t want that world. I don’t want to live in that world but I also don’t want to miss out on the collective bonding experience that is almost sure to come from the end of Covid. So the reprieve I’m feeling now is only surface level great because it’s a pause, not an end, and I don’t feel any more equipped to deal with my jealousy and my social anxiety and my feelings of not being good enough than I did at the beginning of this damn pandemic.

Part of me wishes I could “get over my shit”, and part of me wants to cling onto my shit and defend it. Like why am I the one who has to change, why am I the one who has to evolve, what’s wrong with feeling the way I feel? Why is this a “my shit” thing, like I’m alone and all my problems are caused by my own feelings? Why do other people NeEeEeEeEd to go on dates and have sex. Why does my husband need that. Why am I not good enough. Why is the problem that I feel jealousy and insecurity; why is the problem not that he feels [insert whatever he feels here. unsatisfied? no, that’s not it. incapable of being fully satisfied by a single person? that seems extreme. incapable of surrounding himself with platonic friendships in the way that comes so naturally to me and many of my women friends, and much more able to connect with people he is in a romantic/sexual relationship with, and so needs to create many romantic/sexual relationships to fill that void that otherwise would be filled with friendships - which is not actually something I believe about him, I think he could make really great friendships with the right tools, but is something he’s expressed to me and is also something that’s pretty common around people raised as men? is that too harsh?]

I’m trying to look for a good ending for this post, but, like an explanation for my feelings, I don’t think I’m going to find satisfaction here.

#polyamory #Poly #nonmonogamy #non monogamy #polyam

[fxgacious-blog]

really  LONG  CHARACTER  SURVEY.   RULES.  repost ,   don’t  reblog  !    tag  10  ! good  luck  !   TAGGED.  @vrepit-sa   TAGGING. @viridisleonis, @techspecialistofvoltron, @lothcir (won’t let me tag you but whatever, idgaf), and anyone else who wants to

BASICS.

FULL  NAME :   tixxis zharor NICKNAME :   tix AGE :  two hundred and sixty three BIRTHDAY :   never celebrated it and does not remember, was never raised to consider birthdays significant ETHNIC  GROUP :  kariian (go look at @vrepit-sa‘s kariio posts, they’re rad af and the source of this headcanon) NATIONALITY :   empire-galran, subrace-kariian LANGUAGE / S : primarily central galran & kariian, but has a familiar and more than working knowledge of many alien languages on a first-hand basis (without need for a translator and does not have one) for the sake of more accurate cryptography and encryption SEXUAL  ORIENTATION :  pansexual ROMANTIC  ORIENTATION :  grey aromantic RELATIONSHIP  STATUS :   single and wholly uninterested HOME  TOWN / AREA :  – CURRENT  HOME :   qewreka high-security apartments, aoria t-42 PROFESSION :  arms dealer

PHYSICAL.

FUR: varying between violet and lavender, kit markings still noticeably prevalent (varied in color; mauve, plum, lilac, byzantium) EYES :   canary yellow FACE :  high cheekbones, facial symmetry, generally narrow, strong jaw LIPS :   full, cracked, and scarred in two places from being deeply split COMPLEXION :  heavily freckled under fur BLEMISHES :  n/a SCARS :  extensive scarring on right cheek in the form of claw marks, earned from continuous insubordination; deep and uneven keloid scarring along her throat, inflicted by another fighter in the arena as a result of lack of focus; many scars from various lacerations earned in the arena, training, and missions; several small facial scars as well as a crooked nose as a result of a break that did not heal properly TATTOOS :  n/a. HEIGHT :   6′0″ WEIGHT :   142lbs (has considerable muscle for her size, but is technically underweight and relatively small) BUILD :   athletic, lithe, lean FEATURES :   noticeably smaller than average, large ears ALLERGIES :   n/a. USUAL  HAIR  STYLE :  just a mess of poorly managed mane hair, kept relatively short as a result of scarring on left side preventing proper hair/fur growth USUAL  FACE  LOOK :   pissed keeps fur around face properly trimmed for the sake of personal comfort – letting it grow without care generally leaves it long enough to get in her way and make her uncomfortable USUAL  CLOTHING :   when out of her normal attire (pre-aoria, armor – aoria verse, bodysuit and eighty layers of jackets), 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 are examples

PSYCHOLOGY.

FEARS :   being touched, small spaces, insignificance, irrelevance, being forgotten ASPIRATIONS :   to give herself a purpose, to be remembered (whether it be fondly or with anger), to better herself, to earn her own pride POSITIVE  TRAITS :   ambitious, innovative, confident, adaptable, methodical, analytical, cerebral, intelligent, imaginative, self-assured, exploratory, thorough, resilient, adventurous, athletic, brave, careful, charming, determined NEGATIVE  TRAITS :   aggressive, bossy, cynical, envious, greedy, impatient, manipulative, cruel, impulsive, insecure, possessive, sarcastic, selfish, unstable, lustful, vengeful, deceitful, suspicious, vindictive, callous, obstinate, fickle, hateful, egotistical, corrupt MBTI :   istj -- the examiner ZODIAC :   unknown TEMPERAMENT :   choleric SOUL  TYPES :    warrior, strategist, engineer ANIMALS :   snake VICE  HABITS :    drinking, lip biting, growling, foot tapping, cracking knuckles, jaw clenching, eye-rolling, head tilting, humming, promiscuity FAITH :  n/a GHOSTS ? :   n/a AFTERLIFE ? :   n/a REINCARNATION ? :   n/a ALIENS ? :   definitely not POLITICAL  ALIGNMENT :  aligns with jack shit, does not care EDUCATION  LEVEL :    extensive

FAMILY.

FATHER :    kolir zharor (deceased) MOTHER :    aravra zharor (unknown) SIBLINGS :   n/a EXTENDED  FAMILY :   n/a NAME  MEANING / S :    n/a HISTORICAL  CONNECTION ? :   n/a

FAVORITES.

BOOK :  tixxis has read every book she has ever found, no exaggeration. as such, it’s hard to narrow down favorites; they generally include topics like psychology, sociology, tactical analysis, engineering, mathematics, history (mostly military), cryptography studies, criminal case studies (preferably unsolved), foreign languages, and technical/mechanical diagrams. while it’s seemingly unlike her, however, she also has a fondness for poetry -- especially in foreign languages, as she finds the cultural differences interesting. MOVIE :   n/a 5  SONGS :  n/a DEITY :   n/a HOLIDAY :   isn’t particularly interested in galra holidays, but likes researching the significance of foreign holidays MONTH :   n/a SEASON :   n/a PLACE :    her drawer-bed and ‘balcony’ (if you could call it that) on aoria t-42 WEATHER :    cold, not humid, still, quiet, calm SOUND :   welding torches, footsteps in snow, liquor poured over ice, clatter of coins and jewelry, beeping (in the ‘nothing is wrong and this is the noise my tech is supposed to make’ way, not the ‘help me everything is going wrong and these are your last warnings’ way) SCENTS :    hard liquor, blood TASTES :    see above FEELINGS :   silk, smooth metal, precious stones ANIMALS :    tixxis pretty much enjoys any animal, generally from a scientific and analytical perspective, but likes fish both for taste and hunting and appreciates the challenge of hunting larger prey (and the company of animals with similar temperaments to her own) NUMBER :  n/a. COLORS :   purple, black, red, navy blue, gold, silver

EXTRA.

TALENTS :  mechanics, engineering, cryptography, programming, scientific research and development, invention, long-range combat/sniping, infiltration, manipulation, tactical analysis, martial arts BAD  AT :  close combat, subordination/accepting authority, physically overpowering another with strength alone, handling anger TURN  ONS :   domination, submission (occ.) begging, biting, bloodplay, electrostim, humiliation, exhibitionism, choking, dirty talk, gagging, forced nudity, hair pulling, iceplay, bondage, titles (master, sir, etc.), knifeplay, marking, praise (receiving), scratching, spanking, teasing, stripping/putting on a show, whipping, blindfolds, collars, degradation, rape play, slapping, servitude, leather, lingerie, lace, orders, orgasm/pleasure control, punishment/reward, competition, fireplay, beating, objectification, someone stop her TURN  OFFS :   weakness, inexperience (although taking innocence is fun for her -- she just gets bored of it quickly), lack of confidence HOBBIES :    sparring, programming, engineering, crpytography and creating her own codes, learning languages, binge drinking, weapons development, sex, target practice, hunting TROPES :   arms dealer (former reds with rockets for sale/gangland gun runner), bad samaritan, the baroness, beta test baddie, black cloak, the chessmaster, chronic backstabbing disorder, combat sadomasochist, complete monster, the corrupter, even evil has standards, the gadfly, asshole victim, hope crusher, magnificent bastard, manipulative bastard, smug snake, you have outlived your usefulness QUOTES :     “ you know how wives, no matter how cleverly their unfaithful husbands lie, almost always see through them? why do you think that is? it’s because they make excuses, that’s why. humans are creatures that are extremely sensitive to artificiality. so if a husband who never talks about work suddenly starts complaining about staying late... that unnatural-ness makes the wife think there’s something more to it, and so on. it’s the out of place words uttered to hide the truth that actually expose the lies even more. so do you know how one can make someone think the truth is a lie? by boldly, unreservedly offering up the truth.  ” ---  “ sometimes, if he possessed the right information, he neither had to do the job himself nor pay to have it done. a lot of people lived with secrets that could destroy them, and if you knew their secrets, you could manipulate them to do things for you that reduced them to the condition of puppets. ” ---  “ please, don’t torture me with cliches. if you’re going to try to intimidate me, have the courtesy to go away for a while, acquire a better education, improve your vocabulary, and come back with some fresh metaphors. ” ---  “ most people tend to think the best of those who are blessed with beauty; we have difficulty imagining that physical perfection can conceal twisted emotions or a damaged mind. ” --  “ stop what? cheering you up? or is life supposed to stop because you did something horrible? i’ll tell you the real, horrible truth. no matter what you do or how bad you feel about it, life just goes on. life doesn’t give a fuck that you’re sorry or upset or deranged or tormented. life just goes on, and you gotta go with it, or sit in the middle of the road and feel sorry for yourself -- and i don’t see you doing that. ” --  “ when it comes down to it, i let them think what they want. if they care enough to bother with what i do, then i’m already better than them. ” ---  “ if loving someone is putting them in a strait jacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, i have loved a few people. ” ---  “ if you have nothing, then you have everything, because you have the freedom to do anything without the fear of losing something. ”

MUN QUESTIONS.

Q1 :   if  you  could  write  your  character  your  way  in  their  own  movie,   what  would  it  be  called,  what  style  would  it  be  filmed  in,  and  what  would  it  be  about ?           A1 :   it would be space alien catch me if you can.  Q2 :   what  would  their  soundtrack / score  sound  like ?           A2 :   anger and unrepressed sexual tension. Q3 :   why  did  you  start  writing  this  character ?           A3 :   because i can’t watch something with aliens without making an alien.   Q4 :   what  first  attracted  you  to  this  character ?           A4 :   alien, asshole alien, pretty and strong asshole alien. nah, but developing her with the freedom to use the vastness of the vld universe was pretty much what attracted me the most.  Q5 :   describe  the  biggest  thing  you  dislike  about  your  muse.           A5 :   i would fucking hate tixxis in person. Q6 :   what  do  you  have  in  common  with  your  muse ?           A6 :   lack of morals, sarcasm, we’re both fucking tired Q7 :   how  does  your  muse  feel  about  you ?           A7 :    she’d probably both relate to me and want to kick my nose into my skull Q8 :   what  characters  does  your  muse  have  interesting  interactions  with ?         A8 :    sendak and pidge are my faves so far. Q9 :   what  gives  you  inspiration  to  write  your  muse ?         A9 :    music, quotes (as you can see from the eighty seen above), my own emotions, (re) watching vld, etc. Q10 :   how  long  did  this  take  you  to  complete ?           A10 :    toof cuking long

#headcanons #closet #DAMN IT REILLY