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glassandmetalwings · 6 years

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...No. These thoughts have been ruminating in my head for more than a month. They need to be let out.

Below’s gonna be my whole thing about rp and all that. For the record, I’m not trying to create drama or anything-that’s why it’s over here, where only a few rp will see it. I’m not attempting to target anyone or beg for attention. I don’t even expect change or anyone to try to comfort/disprove me. But it needs to be said or I’m going to implode.

You know why I at least tried to archive my rp blogs? Because I felt insignificant. If I had any role at all, it was to bolster everyone else, at the expense of my own happiness. It hurt.

I’m trying to accept a few things regarding my relation to the PKMN scene, and I’m getting there:

Since I can’t handle IM systems like d.iscord, I’m left out from a lot. OOC conversations have moved to that platform, which means my ability to befriend people is limited at best, made worse by me stressing even over tumblr’s IM system and not replying. That’s on me; I’m not expecting people to go out of their way to communicate with me in a different way.

I’ve passed the prime of my community experience. For everyone’s respective reasons, which I completely understand, most of my partners aren’t that active anymore. I’m not about to push them to be more active for gratification, because that’s a pretty awful thing to do. Most of the dash crack and focus has moved on to newer people. More relevant people. I had my time where anons sent me asks about my threads and plots, or started up their own little plots with my muses (Jules’ October curse MA a few years ago, for example), and now it’s other blogs’ turns.

Relating to both of the above, me being too nervous to talk to the newer blogs further limits my ability to do anything.

I fully acknowledge these, and probably more things that are escaping me. But the fact remains that I love my muses and I live for those interactions I do get, which is why I couldn’t stand leaving. When I left, I spent a lot of nights up until 2:30, mind spinning with plot ideas I felt I no longer had any right to discuss. So much creative energy, and no matter how I tried I couldn’t re-direct it.

So I returned, a few people expressed their happiness that I was back, and how they were worried when I left. I’m grateful to those people, don’t get me wrong. I hold them very dear to my heart.

But it hasn’t taken very long for me to return to feeling like shit.

I’m trying. My art has gotten a significantly more attention than it did before (when 8 notes is a significant improvement to 2 notes from non-rp friends...), and I’ve gotten quite a few new followers. I dropped old threads and started a threadtracker to keep on top of things. But...it feels pointless.

I try to get involved in dash commentary. Nothing happens. I don’t feel like pushing it more because it feels like I’m being obnoxious.

I send asks, even for memes I have no intention of reblogging. When I turn around and reblog memes, I get next to nothing. Or I get people reblogging the meme from me without sending anything, and them not only getting asks, but it blowing up and everyone else getting asks...except me. I have a small list of blogs I’m tempted to soft block because it feels like they reblog memes multiple times a week and either don’t ever send me stuff or send it once in a blue moon. It’s not worth the effort of confronting people over it, because it’s just games, right? It’s just for fun?

While it hasn’t happened since my return, one of the most painful things that happened to me were positivity nights. I would send out so many asks that were of the ‘send this symbol and I’ll shout out a blog I like or admire’-not for an ego-stroking, but because I genuinely want people to feel good and want to contribute to a healthy rp environment. You know how many times I’ve gotten mentioned in one of those posts since...early December?

Twice. It’s similar with those quizzes where you tag people at the end.

And yeah, I get that if I were to reblog the meme too, and share positivity, I might be mentioned more. But it’s so hard to get into that headspace to gush over others when you feel ignored. And then I worry there’s someone like me that I don’t hate, but who’s expecting me to tag them. I don’t want them to feel abandoned or betrayed.

I genuinely feel like I’m an afterthought, if that. The whole purpose of me existing in the community isn’t to interact, or contribute, or even write (headcanons and worldbuilding? Who cares.)-I sit, and I encourage positivity in others, and occasionally I’m a friendly face to see on the dash after a long absence. Sometimes I do an event that’s focused around others (like the Seafolk one right now, or even me handing out codes), and everyone says ‘you’re a great person for doing something like this!’. As if nothing else I do has value. That’s really...heartbreaking. It’s draining. It’s destructive.

Sometimes-often-I feel like there’s some kind of warning out about me, or rumor. Maybe that’s why the people I used to interact with don’t seem interested in me anymore, I tell myself. The only reason I don’t get anon hate is that I’m walking on eggshells, careful to be respectful even when I’m broken. And then every post I make, I’m just waiting for that ask, the one that confirms that I’m a problem and almost no one likes me. I honestly get nightmares about it.

Maybe, I tell myself, maybe I’m just that bad of a writer.

And I don’t want to act desperate. I don’t want to say to the dash ‘please! validate me!’. I try to reserve that to really bad days-to the days I honestly want to kill myself but can’t, because people in the real world are depending on me to exist. I can’t even say that without worrying people are a) going to panic even though I’m specifically saying I have no intent to hurt or kill myself (but the feeling is there, and it’s not going away), or b) will come at me claiming I’m just saying that for attention. So I sit, and I watch the dash pass me by, and I’m miserable.

So...yeah. There’s probably a lot more I could touch on, but my brain is drawing a blank. Like I said, I’m not blaming anyone except myself, my high expectations, and my depression/anxiety.

And it sucks, but right now there’s not much I can do about it. Hiatus doesn’t work for me, and we just saw how much of a mess me leaving was. I don’t want to move to another platform, plus the whole IM thing keeps me off d.iscord. But...at least I put some words to these thoughts and feelings.

#wings hates life #suicide mention tw #self harm mention tw #kind of in passing but again I want people to be safe #no one told me to kms I promise

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