#They’re not super chuffed about this development and would quite like to go back please | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

geeklyreport · 7 years

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Nintendon't Give a Fuck

So, March 3rd then. If you’ve pre-ordered you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. This is of course the date Nintendo’s new home/handheld combo console is unleashed worldwide onto the gaming public, and, for nearly all of those gamers who’ve pre-ordered, this is when the real excitement builds. Even those who aren’t at all interested can at least accept that they know the feeling well; the anticipation on the way to the store, finally getting your hands on your new beautiful box of gaming, hurrying home, the unboxing - oh the unbridled joy of the unboxing - and then the hookup, the final power button on, then at last! Wait what the shit are these fucking updates? Fuck you! How long to completion? Fine, I’ll go make a sandwich….. Then at last! You come face to face with the home screen and the real fun can begin. As a long time gamer who’s gone through this with the master system, an Amiga 500, an n64, a dreamcast, a ps2, 3 and 4, all the Xboxes, a Gamecube and both Wii’s, not to mention countless handhelds, the above process is something I’ve experienced and very much enjoyed quite a lot, and the reason I watched the Nintendo switch event with baited breath. I was already sold. Then it all came crashing down. Nintendo seemed intent on nuking all the goodwill and excitement they’d accumulated in the preceding weeks and months; unchecking all the boxes they’d previously ticked. I should probably reiterate at this point that I’m getting on a bit and use gaming as a form of relaxation. A lot of my friends have had kids, prioritised other things over gaming and nearly all live in a different time zone (I moved to Canada 4 years back). I have a wonderful partner who encourages my gaming hobby, yet doesn’t venture much beyond the free games she can get on her iPhone. Armed with this information, my opinion on what we’ve seen on the Nintendo Switch should make a little more sense. I don’t think I’m alone either, based on the reaction elsewhere. We’re people who’ve grown up with Nintendo and enjoy gaming as Nintendo originally provided it. And it appears they’re throwing us aside (once again), kicking us when we’re down and then spitting in our faces while they take a big steamy dump on our chests. While there are people into Nintendo defacating all over them, that's just not for me. Do you like Nintendo exclusive games? Of course you do! Well how about a game that you really want and can buy on our previous console (which we prematurely killed off because we fucked quite a lot up with it)? We’ve got you covered! Want to see what our console is really about and experience all the new tech Nintendo incorporated? Pick up 1-2 Switch! It’s a full price mini game compilation that they should definitely have packed in. You’ll likely play for a few days before casting it aside as it offers no replay value! It also makes you look like a tit and can simulate masturbation! If you look like a tit and there’s no one else around to see you, are you still a tit? Most definitely. Hey older gamer! You remember how much fun Bomberman was right? Well we’ve got a new one! The single player is still bunk but the multiplayer is still super fun, super simple and that’s right, definitely worth full price! So what if it has been surpassed in terms of depth by flash and mobile games on the last decade? How about some retro and indie games that, given you’re an avid gamer, you’ve already bought and played at least once on different consoles?! Why not rebuy them and play them on our new console while we get our shit together! I mean come on, there's no way to transfer that world of goo purchase from the Wii, so why not give Nintendo your money again? And that, along with a dancing party game and a plastic toy collect-a-thon, is the launch lineup. Done. Nothing else. Before you say it, I know consoles don’t traditionally have massively strong catalogues of games on day 1. I didn’t expect the switch too either. I did however want to see a couple - just two would’ve been enough - worthwhile unique experiences that I could sit down and enjoy. That alone would justify a console purchase for a grumpy twat like me. ‘80 plus games this year!’ I hear you cry. Ok but how many of those are games that I’ve already bought and enjoyed though? And how many are likely to perform better on those other consoles? If I want to play Skyrim, world of goo and the host of other older games that make up a significant portion of that 80, I just need to fire up my older consoles and save myself having to rebuy them. Even the upcoming Nintendo exclusives have managed to irk me (Mario admittedly does looks great though). I loved Splatoon, absolutely adored it. So much so that I played it to death less than two years ago. Two years I might add, is a very short time in Nintendo sequel terms, with good reason. Nintendo likes to give themselves more time than most to perfect their games, nurturing the things that work and tweaking until they’re just right. Releasing Splatoon 2 so soon smacks of desperation to have enough content on a new system, and leads me to believe it’ll likely be closer to an upgrade than a true sequel. Mario Kart 8 Deluxe asks those who’ve likely already bought the original to re-up, in order to play on their shiny new console. One of the main selling features being an upgrade to my former favourite game mode, battle, which Nintendo completely ballsed up for this iteration on Wii U. They’d previously refused to acknowledge they’d made an error with the originals battle mode, yet here they are trying to sell you the same game, on a new console, based on the fact that they’ve fixed the chuffing thing we complained about three years ago! To date Nintendo haven’t announced this as DLC for the Wii U version, which I’d totally buy, or any kind of upgrade program. I don’t expect either to materialise, which is a huge shame (for me). Let’s get this straight; most of the switch early adopters likely own a Wii U. Nintendo aren’t re-releasing games out of the goodness of their hearts. This is an easy way to flesh out the line up and make more money. Nintendo, like 99.9 percent of businesses, exist to make money, and given the state of the launch lineup and incoming game, it’s been suggested that this has been rushed out to hit the end of the financial year. It's a hard point to argue with, especially given the lack of online details. Nintendo are finally moving with the times in charging for online – a move that I don’t actually mind despite the ridiculous rent-a-rom-a-month system – you’d think, however, that they would probably catch up with the competitors in other areas, such as linked accounts and transferring purchases right? Wrong. Nintendo have a penchant for getting avid fans to rebuy games over and over but in today’s market, that just doesn’t fly. When your main competitors have systems in place to allow their customers to retain purchases and to transfer games from old systems to new, you really have no excuse. Nintendo’s silence on the virtual console element of Switch doesn’t bode well either, so expect to rebuy all those same virtual console games for the convenience of having them all in one place. I’d love to be proved wrong on this, I really would. Given Nintendo’s history in successfully fleecing gamers repeatedly in this regard, I wouldn’t hold my breath. Now I know this is all very negative, but I’m not making this shit up and I genuinely wish things were different. The consoles price, while a little higher than I’d have liked especially given that there’s no pack in, is in line with launch prices for competitor’s consoles, if not with the GameCube or the Wii. Hands-on reports have it that the console itself feels wonderful, like a sexy new piece of tech. Once you get it in your hands you apparently can appreciate why it costs what it does. Brilliant. This is something we all wished we had for the Wii U and I’m genuinely pleased to not have plasticky feeling components or compromised touchscreen tech. However, I do feel that there are other tech elements that they’ve put into the joycons which shunt need to be there and are responsible for accessories being priced extremely high as well. Nintendo truly appear to have taken a break from shitting on customers, so they can throw as much against the wall in the hope that some will stick. Getting a new set of joycons will set you back a chunk more than a dual shock 4 or new Xbox one controller, so if you want to play Arms, which looks like a wonderfully Splatoonish treatment of punch out, you’re talking $500 Canadian plus $80 for the game, which is a huge outlay, given the innards of the console itself. Additionally, if you’re like me and want to play games in the classic manner (on your arse in a comfortable chair) and don’t intend on using the portability features too much, you’d likely want a pro controller (the Wii U one won’t cut it from what I’ve heard); that’ll be another $90 please, which dwarfs the sweet spot cost of controllers that we’ve become accustomed to. HD rumble sounds intriguing and I hope we get to see enough innovative uses of the technology to justify its inclusion. Realistic wanking mini games won't cut it and if this tech doesn't end up changing traditional games much beyond what we currently have, the gamble of having it included everywhere wouldn’t have paid off. The less said about the ‘gesture sensor’ the better; I have an unkind hand gesture ready to be read. Again, the tone of this opinion piece is so negative, in part I think that’s down to my anger at how Nintendo shattered my expectations. If you pick one up at launch you’ll likely have loads of fun with it but I’m just so disappointed. Given what Nintendo showed us last year, it would’ve been so easy to get right. Having all of Nintendo’s internal developers beavering away on one machine, sharing knowledge is a fantastic idea. A portable console with a boost to specs and performance when docked would’ve been wonderful! Instead I’ve read that performance actually suffers when docked. W. T. F. I would’ve been perfectly ok with the additional console cost associated with the joycons. The ethos behind them is sound. If they were just well made, detachable controllers that enabled multiplayer on the go, that would be fine and justifiable. But no, Nintendo have to throwback to the Wii’s success again (seriously just let it fucking go) and make them arm waggling enablers with potentially unnecessary tech included. The worst thing potentially about the new technology I might add, is that Nintendo will feel they need to include it in games, whether it adds anything or not, in order to justify its inclusion in the console. Sigh. Just let the devs make great games! I don’t need to give the game a thumbs up or tap a plastic model to it to get maximum enjoyment, or to get content that should be in the game in the first place. If anything, that shit reduces my enjoyment and amplifies my inner grumpy gamer. Given all this it should be pretty clear that, despite still feeling that new console pull, I won’t be grabbing a Switch at launch. Every time I get the urge and think ‘well maybe it’ll be worth it’, I just remind myself of what my minimum expectations are for a new console, and the urge passes. I will still inevitably pick one up, either at the first price drop, or when the there’s a few more must have (true) exclusives, but I can’t help but feel like this is a huge missed opportunity for Nintendo. We were there for the taking but they had to go and Nintendo the fucking thing. Oh, the neon red and blue looks fucking ridiculous too...

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