#Um it’s complicated. I’m experiencing a complicated thing in my brain lately I cannot explain it I’m. It’s fine. 🚶 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hustlemeanokay · 5 years

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I’ve been seeing another round of “track app awareness” or “location tracker devices” pop up on my dash lately. As well as the rounds of basically saying that if parents try to actually impose any sort of rules on their kids - they’re being abusive. I’ve posted about this before and I’m sure I will again but... enough. Seriously.

I’ve seen the worst that parenting can do, my own parents were absolutely not good at it at all. One was a mentally ill alcoholic drug addict who, unfortunately, committed suicide and the other was a distant depressed alcoholic who couldn’t have told you on any given day where the hell I was growing up - and he was the one who had sole custody. I’ve witnessed neglect and manipulation, emotional and verbal abuse, and it even got physical once or twice. So, I’ve experienced real emotional abuse, real manipulation.

Further talks below the cut -

Half the stuff I see posted about “warning, your parents are manipulating you!” or “that’s abuse” - isn’t. It really isn’t. Setting rules for kids is literally part of a parents job. If your parent won’t “let you” leave the house at midnight on Tuesday to go wherever the hell you want and you aren’t an adult? Um... that’s not abuse. That’s literally their job. From the ages of freaking 0 to 18, you are their entire responsibility. Every single thing you do, is their responsibility. I’m so tired of seeing this being labeled abuse. Because it so isn’t. Keeping you safe isn’t abuse. I’m not talking about the actual abuse, in which it would be you are literally locked in a closet and chained up.

And that’s the thing. I’ve seen so many people trying to lump in basic parenting with that kind of horrific real abuse. And there are a lot of people out there (who aren’t parents, I might add) that are freaking out about this stuff going “if your partner or spouse did this - it’d be abuse!” Uh, yeah. It would. Because that implies that either... you’re an adult and there for, can now take care of yourself and don’t need any of that intervention or that you aren’t an adult and they aren’t your fucking parents.

People have got to stop trying to just lump everything together, because it’s not that simple. It’d be great if life were simple, if all these complex relationships were just so cut and dry, so easy to navigate. But they aren’t. It’s complicated as fuck.

For example, these location tracking devices or monitoring apps. There isn’t a parent alive, worth a damn, who doesn’t like those things. Because kids do stupid shit. It’s not about trust, because as a parent, you should understand that this world, is crazy as hell and your kids, are trying to navigate that. It’s dangerous, full of things that they literally cannot even comprehend. It’s not saying their dumb, they aren’t. But they are literally still developing. For the most part, most teenagers literally cannot think five steps ahead or play out all the possible consequences of their actions. But adults can (or at least, should be able to).

The thing with those devices and apps - for parents? They’re worth it. My daughter can hate me, she can yell and scream and pitch a fit (she doesn’t but she can). But she’s safe. And I know she is.

For me, as a parent, and a survivor of child abuse - here’s my “hot take” on those devices and apps.

1. Worth it. - No, they are. If you don’t think they are, ask any parent who’s even had a child snatched. And yes, that matters. Because that’s what they’re about. They aren’t about some obscure idea of what privacy means.

2. Yes, they play on parents worst fears. But they can be useful tools too - you still have to use your very own brain.

3. My daughter has parental controls on her phone. She’s 15. She knows she has them on there, we’ve told her. Do I ever check them? Hell no. Will I ever check on them? If she’s acting straight up strange or suddenly fucking vanishes - then yes, in a heartbeat and I’ll have zero guilt about doing it.

4. I will have one of those devices in her car - she can help me freaking pick it out - I don’t care but it will be there. Because she’s a child. And as much as we’d like to think otherwise, bad shit happens. And, like her parental controls, will I ever check it? If she drops off the face of the earth and I can’t get a hold of her - YES I fucking will and I will never feel bad about that either.

5. It’s about trust. On both sides. I trust my daughter, but I don’t let that cloud my judgement. Judgement that I’ve gained from experience. Something she just straight up hasn’t had time to get yet and if I have it my way? She’ll never have the level of “experience” I have with shitty situations. But at the same time, she trusts me. Because she can also locate my phone - using the whole find my phone family thing. Because it is not abuse to make sure you can find your family.

6. It’s about respect. On both sides. I can respect her and still understand that she is a child - that while yes, she is growing up, she’s not grown yet. And she should respect me, not as an ultimate authority but an authority on things. Respect does not equal fear. If you think it does - then you’ve got some serious learning to do.

I see so many of these posts that explain basic parenting as abuse or manipulation. And while yes, those things do happen - a “normal” parent child relationship doesn’t constitute abuse or manipulation. A parent making rules for their child, does not make them a tyrant. A child actually following those rules, does not make them abused.

#personal #opinions #as a parent #and as a victim

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