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abitchinthelife · 6 years

Text

2018- July 29th

since the fucking thing I was using to journal fucked my entry and ate it I'm using this instead. bc its convenient and I can write anywhere and its more normal than furiously writing in a notebook. so. let's do this

last night fell asleep watching dream daddy on youtube. after talking w Kiwi and the events of the day I needed to like dick around. so i did. woke up to Kiwi fighting with their mom. went back to sleep like the stubborn sleepy bitch I am. again woke up, actually stayed awake this time. about 11? so good, i'm amazing showing so much self discipline.

SO Kiwi and I chilled. and we were making plans for the day. which included Melon. which was chill except Kiwi was driving me a little crazy with like the intense mood changes. bitch broke down like 14 times yesterday. understandable since Melon was threatening suicide. but like can u compartmentalize a bit? i'm doing it fine. mostly. I did fine w it overall. u kno I'd say if I didn't cause I love dragging myself so ya its true.

kiwi is just a lot. lmao. love Kiwi but I'm glad I can get a break now. even my emotionless ass is starting to get bothered.

but what my day was like! you need more details.

so I chilled w Kiwi at first and watched Mortemor (suzzy!!!! started my baes Overwatch content she's a wonder a blessing a treasure.) slightly overwhelmed with so much going on I left, and didn't really get to relax cause I was with my dad doing some chores. but it was still sorta relaxing anyway. eventually Melon come and got me. me and Melon were talking and it was a good fucking time man. its nice to make a new friend. like we've known each other for a while but only until today do I consider them close to me. some issues w Kiwi and we went on a side quest to get their key but it was solved. we got Kiwi and we were offfff

Melon and Kiwi and I drove to the mall and it was liiiiiiiiit like it was so much fun at first Melon is amazing. like so fun and genuine. I love Kiwi and they try a lot which I appreciate. but little things Kiwi did- I think trying to take me from Melon (like I was about to sit next to Melon but Kiwi gave me This Look Like You're Not Sitting Next To Me????) (and trying to hold my hand at the mall. Melon seemed uncomfy) (aaand something else I can't remember it was small but it was the start of a downfall)

so Melon never said anything. never said it was Kiwis fault. don't think Kiwis noticed at all the correlation LMAO this bitch tires me love em tho. Melon never even admitted anything was wrong. just said they were "tired". so I let it drop.

but at least most of the time at the mall was fun. the ending was iffy.

we went to Wendys next and that's when I asked if they're okay and Melon gave us the "I'm fine just tired." then went to the bathroom like this bitch seemed so uncomfy and tense. I went into the bathroom and asked if they were good, got an affirmative, then I left cause. im used to giving space not forcing others. came back in again cus i didnt wanna be a lil cowardly bitch and i thought they sniffled? and I was like dam u crying. but not aloud cause i'm a coward u see. I was like Melon? U good? Melon was like yea just shitting bro. I was like cool.

Melon came out. In a much better mood. still not looking at either of us though, but looking. so we went to our last stop, Ross. it was ok? Melon seemed better but still not ok. I was a little focused on getting clothes no lie cause I'm not gonna get a lot of chances to go to the mall before I leave to Orlando. but I tried to keep interacting w Melon and Kiwi even though I'd go off to find my own shit. I'd find em again and be like ayyyy.

I bought some neato clothes and maybe need some reimbursement from my dad. maybe I can go to Walmart this weekend and I can use dads card on some shorts and tees. or just ask for cash lmao. we'll see.

anyway tho. got back from our day out. texted Melon about the sniffling and Melon was like it was just a sniffle I wasnt crying or sum shit lmao. I was like OOPS. Melon was like LMAO. We ended up talking when their family chat went up in fucking flames and their Mom refused to even talk about Melon getting therapy. I've been texting them since.

with Melon almost committing suicide its making me reevaluate the way I treat my friends. I need to try more. I let others come to me w their shit but sometimes I need to make sure they know that I'm there and I will be there for them. even in unconventional weird ass ways, my favorite way to do things. so I'm trying to say fuck feeling uncofmy expressing emotions I'm gonna be vulnerable and be there for my friends. I'll stick it out. like so far I've been trying to make Date feel better bc they wanted to meet w us but Kiwi (my lordy Kiwi) didn't realize they were back and literally wanted to come. and my data failed me so I didn't even know it was a thing until I got back for my lovely wonderful wifi.

since then I've tried to make Date feel better. dunno if it worked but I think the relentlessness will be charming, comforting. not, like, annoying. like I'm mixing tactics of distraction and Acknowledging Things, I at least think its working well. its difficult when to know when Date wants to talk about it (usually not) or wants to a distraction (mostly I think)

with Melon Ive been texting them since their family thing. I think I've been giving good responses. I'm not the master of communication my writing incorrectly may impress upon you, I'm but a socially awkward dumbass. but its been going well.

in fact I think I didn't get any time for myself to do anything at all today. but its fine. tmrw I sure fucking will. ive got all the time to watch youtube vids, watch tv, and study some math. my main activities these days. drawing too. need to do sum of that.

I should call Melon tmrw and Kiwi too. I think Date and Blueberry are working/busy. I know Date is working 100%, dunno Blueberry but I don't like calling Blueberry much. They're just so distracted and idk. I don't like it. Face to face is better but my Android can't even FT them so.

I def need to call R soon. need to get updated. but really I got lots of stuff to be busy with, god make sure I do those things instead of lying around in bed doing nothing all day. thanks.

#entry #entry 1 #this was long as fuck #who knew i could talk so much #its 1 am now but whatever time i sleep at im waking up at 11 deadass im not allowing my laziness anymore #11 is incredible for me can you imagine #like its so difficult #but ill keep at it #cause i need to get my shits together

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