#aka my attempt at giving rick some fucking happiness

[prince-septimus]

bathroom break

pairing : rick flag x bartender!reader

summary : a team of criminals and a colonel wearing a cowboy hat walk into a bar.

word count : 2.4k

warnings : smut, 18+, minor spoilers for the suicide squad

You had spotted them the moment they walked in -- they stuck out like a sore thumb. The rag-tag group of men and the woman with the rat on her shoulder. 

Nothing surprised you anymore, so you paid them no mind. 

Not until the man in the cowboy hat stepped up to the bar. 

It was a while after they arrived -- all crowded into a table not meant to fit the three giant men in the group, let alone all five of them. They had started off slow, a couple of shots, and then they were all splitting off. You could see a few of them on the dance floor, all clearly lost in their own little world.

The bar isn’t particularly crowded tonight. There’s a few regulars, but nothing that keeps you too busy. That’s why you’re able to spot him stepping up to the counter, a beer bottle in hand as he offers you a cheap smile. 

 He’d be hard to miss even if you had been distracted. 

“What can I get you?” you ask, your hands toying with the rag in your hands as you watch the man carefully. There’s something about him that puts you on edge, and you’re not quite sure yet if it’s a good or bad thing.

“Another beer,” he tells you, his teeth flashing in the neon lights of the bar. There’s a faint drawl to his voice, and you can tell the alcohol he’s drank has caused it to drop. “And a one-way ticket out of here.”

“Not the party type?” You take the bottle from his hands, quickly replacing it with another. “Could’ve fooled me.”

His lips turn up. “It’s the hat, ain’t it?”

There’s a slight hint of a smile on your face. 

He shakes his head as he takes a pull from the fresh bottle. “Ladies love the hat.”

You busy yourself with wiping down the counter, trying not to think too much into his words. “What’s your name, cowboy?”

Another smile, this one cocky and full of confidence. “That’s classified.”

You make a face. “You really think I’d tell on you?”

“No, but I do think you could get me into quite a bit of trouble.”

The heat courses through your body so quick, and you’re suddenly very aware of everything about this man: the arrogance with which he wears his combination of a cowboy hat and ratty t-shirt, the cocksure smug he sports across his face, and the way he’s looking at you right now. 

Something about him reminds you of men you’ve thrown out before, ones who had gone a little too far and had gotten a little too handsy, but there’s something that tells you this man wouldn’t do either of those things unless requested.

Another swig of his beer, and then the bottle is empty. 

“Rick Flag.”

You raise a brow. “Flag? How patriotic.”

“There’s more truth in that statement than I’d like.”

“You’re a soldier?”

“Used to be.”

“And now?”

It’s the first time you see something other than his brash personality show through. There’s something almost like regret etched into his features. “Something like that.”

You frown, feeling the conversation taking a turn that you don’t like. Conversations with bartenders are meant to be pleasant -- something to calm your foggy mind and fuel your drunken desires. 

You briefly wonder if he’s drunk.

“Had enough?” you ask, motioning to his bottle. 

That smug look returns. “It takes a lot more than a couple of shots and a few beers to get me drunk.”

He gives you a knowing look and you flush at the realization that you had been caught in your motives for asking. 

“Do you want another?”

“I think I’m good.” A pause. “Wanna get out of here?”

“I’m working.” You feel dumb when you say it, but it’s true. 

It makes Rick laugh. “Okay. What about the bathroom? You do get bathroom breaks, don’t you?”

You glance at the restrooms in the corner. “Anybody who knows better knows not to use our bathrooms.”

“Even better.” Rick grins. “Then they’ll know it was an emergency.”

You feel your mouth fall slack, trying to take in Rick’s sudden forwardness. You know there’s a possibility at losing your job over this, but you couldn’t be the first employee to fuck a patron, right?

Maybe the first to fuck one in the bar’s bathroom.

The space is stuffy and smells faintly of stale piss -- a good sign that you won’t be disturbed. One of the overhead lights is busted, its bulb shattered and littered across the tiled floor. You’re not sure who last cleaned in there, but in no way is anything sanitary and up-to-code. 

That doesn’t stop Rick from lifting you up onto the bathroom sink and kissing you so hard your head smacks into the mirror behind you. You let out a groan at the quick pain that courses through your head, but Rick swallows the sound and attempts to pull something sweeter from you. The brim of his hat tips back as you kiss, and you absentmindedly push it off, letting it fall to the floor before his shirt follows.

You push him away just enough to admire his exposed skin -- his broad chest and tattooed arms. When you meet his gaze you can see that confidence still hidden there. 

You reach for his jeans, yanking on the button and zipper and trying your best to push them down. Rick takes the opportunity to attach his mouth to your neck, sucking a bruise into the underside of your jaw as he takes over for you, kicking his shoes off and pushing his pants down in one quick movement. 

“You’ve got too many clothes on,” he breathes against your skin, “not fair.”

You push on his chest again before yanking your own shirt off, throwing it into the growing pile on the floor. Rick reaches around you, deftly releasing the latch of your bra and pulling the fabric from your body. As his lips land on your bare shoulder, light kisses pressed into your skin, Rick reaches down to undo your jeans. 

The next moment is the most awkward, and there’s laughter from both of you as Rick deftly pulls your shoes off before you try to lift up enough for your pants to follow. He struggles to pull the tight fabric from around your waist, but finally gets them off. It’s awkward and clumsy and there’s something oddly intimate about it.

And then Rick’s fingers are against the growing wetness of your panties and you’re crying out against his mouth at the stimulation. 

“Yeah, that’s it,” he drawls against your lips, “so wet for me already.”

His fingers smooth up and down the fabric, giving enough stimulation to make you feel something, but not enough to get off. You push a hand through his hair, trying to coax some sort of sound from him to mix with your own, and with a slight yank on the hair at the nape of his neck, Rick is groaning out loud. His eyes shut as his hand against you picks up speed, rubbing more earnestly now. 

Just as you feel the hint of something start to grow, Rick pulls his hand away, a smirk painted across his face as he looks at your disheveled state. 

“You bastard,” you breathe out, resting your hands on either side of you as you try to catch your breath.

Rick laughs. “I’ve been called worse.”

There’s a lull in the action then, and it takes you a moment to figure out why.

“I don’t have a condom,” Rick says softly.

You smile, wiping at the sweat gathering on your forehead before pointing to the machine in the corner. You’re not sure when they had last been changed out, but you’re sure they’re good enough to use still.

It’s another slightly intimate moment -- you watching Rick fumble with the machine before finally producing a condom and holding it up in success. It’s cute, the grin that forms on his face when he turns back to you. 

“Still okay with this?” he asks, unwrapping the condom before pushing down his briefs to put it on.

You bite your lip at the sight of him, almost forgetting that your own underwear are still on. When you reach to take them off, Rick reaches out to stop you.

“Keep ‘em on,” he tells you gently. He steps back up to the sink, standing between your legs as he reaches a hand down. His fingers skim across the fabric of your panties before he’s hooking into them and pulling them to the side. 

There’s something about the action that turns you on so much you forget to breathe for half a second, and it catches you off-guard when he finally slides into you -- slowly filling you to the brim.

“Good?” he asks, panting slightly, and all you can do is nod as you let the feeling of him inside you completely wash over you.

The first moments are slow, both of you trying to get used to the feel and the position. And then his arms are hooking under your thighs, changing the position slightly and causing him to go almost deeper. You let out a small cry at the sensation as he begins to pick up the speed. 

The mirror shakes with the force that he’s fucking into you with, and it leaves you breathless with each stroke. He’s pressing his lips against yours, but it’s nothing close to a kiss, just two mouths pressing against each other as you both try to get a hold on the feelings. 

It’s all so overwhelming, and you whine into Rick’s mouth as his hands grip your hips and use that hold to push you against him. You can feel the beginnings of your orgasm returning, a little quicker than normal due to the previous stimulation, and you put a hand on Rick’s chest, trying to steady yourself.

“Almost there,” he tells you, his pace turning sloppy.

When you look at him, his pupils are blown out. He moves his hands up to grab your neck, pushing you back against the mirror. The position is more clunky, a little harder to manage, but Rick never stops moving against you as he swipes his tongue into your mouth.

He’s kissing you when your orgasm hits, swallowing your moans as he sets a frantic pace, trying to get himself off. The overstimulation hits like a truck, and you’re practically crying out against Rick’s mouth. 

When his orgasm hits, he falls against you. You absentmindedly wrap your arms around his shoulders as he buries his face into your shoulder, groaning out as he finishes inside the condom. You hadn’t noticed a chill to the bathroom before, but now you can feel it creep up along your skin and you try to use Rick’s body against yours to keep warm.

“You were right about these bathrooms,” Rick says a few minutes later when both of your chests have stopped heaving. He lifts up slightly from you, glancing around the dingy bathroom before carefully pulling himself out of you. The action causes both of you to let out a hiss at the sensitivity, and then you’re making a choked noise when Rick lets his fingers brush across your slit before he pulls your panties back into place. 

“Cheeky,” you breathe out, “very cheeky.”

“I try.” He gives you a quick wink as he reaches down to grab at the pile of clothes across the floor. “You think they’re still clean enough to wear?”

“They’ll have to be,” you chirp, taking your clothes and shoes from his arms. 

It’s the last intimate moment of the night, the two of you getting dressed beside each other in a dirty bar bathroom. Rick bumps his shoulder against yours as he pulls his shoes back on and you offer him a giddy grin. You snatch his hat from the floor, pretending to brush the dirt off the brim and placing it atop his head. Rick smiles at you, a smile that’s less cocky and more saccharine. You reach for the door after the two of you finish getting dressed, carefully pushing it open to look around the bar. It’s slowly emptying as the night goes on, but there’s still enough people to not make it so obvious when the two of you slip out from the bathroom.

“It’s not the worst walk of shame I’ve done,” you comment, taking pleasure in the way Rick’s brows shoot up as he follows you back to the bar. 

“I’m shameful now, am I?”

“More like shameless.” You take your position back behind the bar as Rick takes the seat across from you. When you look out into the dimly lit room, you spot the group Rick had originally come in with. “I think your friends are onto you.”

Rick follows your gaze, offering a small wave to the group when he spots them. “They’ll be fine. Everyone’s got to use the bathroom once in a while, right?”

The look Rick gives you then sends you into a fit of giggles. “Bathroom break. Sure.”

Rick waits for you to settle down before he’s giving you that sweet smile from earlier. 

You look at him strangely. “What?”

“I had fun,” Rick tells you, “wouldn’t mind doing it again next time I’m around.”

You scoff playfully, “I bet you wouldn’t.” You still reach for a pen and scrap piece of paper, quickly scribbling your name and number down and handing it to Rick.

Rick stares at the paper for a second before he says your name, a small twang in his voice. It occurs to you that you previously hadn’t given your name, and he's grinning at you like a mad man. “At least now I know who’s name to call out next time.”

Rick leaves you with that, heading back to his friends who all give him a pat on the back as he passes. There's a heat in your face from his words that you’re not sure will ever go away.

#an alternative ending to that bar scene in the suicide squad #aka my attempt at giving rick some fucking happiness #its what he deserves james gunn #rick flag x reader #rick flag #rick flag imagine #the suicide squad #the suicide squad imagine #the suicide squad spoilers

[popculturebuffet]

Close Enough Reviews: First Date and Snailin’ It

We’re in the home stretch thank god! Seriously while I do love this show, doing 13 reviews in one day, even as most are easy to bang out, has been exausting. But the thank god is also because we’ve arrived at my faviorite episode so far and.. er another one but at least it has Noel Fielding! That’s really awesome!  This time around Josh and Emily try to recapture the magic of their first date only to end up in one of the good Blumhouse movies, while Bridgette brings Josh along on an awkward first date. Then Emily gets the help of a snail’s magical hat to juggle work and life. Snail yeah under hte cut. 

First Date: 

A fourtune teller is at the fourplex, another review of the series I recently read revealed that’s what their buildings called and I like the sound of it so i’m using that, predicting a weird romance for bridget, who belivies it’s a guy she’s been texing, and sometimes sexting in her words not mine, who she has a date with tonight while said psychic also reveals to Emily that things with her and josh have gotten bland, something emily realizes via a hilarous flashback of them making out while falling asleep repeadtly before both just conk out. Also randy has thunder pants, aka pants tha tmake thunde rnoises and have a giant lighting bolt cod piece. Your the second best randy. Andt hat’s only because Alex is still a character. 

So we have our two plots and unlike previous episodes and one future one the plots.. don’t dovetail. Which I like and I like a show being able to do two seperate plots in eleven minutes. We frankly need more of that. Bridgette has her date and Josh and Emily end up having theres. As such i’ll cover both seperatley. And since their plots a bit simplier let’s start with Josh and Emily.  Emily tries flirting with Josh before explaning it’s because she wants to bring the spice back. After josh bungles his response trying to say what she wants but just.. you know asking emily what she wants him to say which is never a good move in any conversation, Josh does near instantly rebound, texting emily to come to the close tfor a suprise. Granted since Josh, self admittley right after, admits he has no game, it come across as weird and creepy, but Emily appricates him trying and is touched when he reveals his real bring the sparks back romantic plan: a recreation of their first date, which was at a haunted house. Also for some reason Josh thought mr magoriums wonder emporium was a best picture contender. Never change josh, never change. But I genuinely like this: having a couple that while relaistically having a dry spell still lvoes each other: instead of worrying the relationship is dead as these plots tend to do they simply want to bring back the magic that’s sometimes lost when you work two jobs, raise a kid full time and live with two weirdos with little sense of personal space.  So they go and the reason it’s pretty simple is their subplot is the two having a mind screw being chased by various horrors in the house. As i’ve said I feel the series has more of a horror bent at times with some episodes leaning more into that than just goofy madness like regular show did. Regular Show really saved most of its straight up horror content for terror tales, here horror bits can crop up as much as fucking wacky bits. I mean a logan’s run parody where a man dies is paired up with a low speed train chase with a con arist that ends with her driving into a thermortor factory while choking her fake son. The show can ping pong on tone, but it does work.  But yeah that’s why there’s less to talk about: it’s not bad stuff, it’s super spooky including the end bit where their told they died, it’s just mostly the two of them running around a nightmare, that unsuprisngly turns out not to be real and was just the attraction, before a really touching climax when the two finally find each other run towards each other and realize just how horrifed they were at the thought of loosing one another. it’s really damn touching and romantic, and leads to another climax when the two start kissing before getting it on despite the horror house working telling them they have others coming. I’ts a good plot, I just don’t have a ton to anlyaize about it. it’s just really good and really good horror stuff with a satsifying and sweet ending.  On to our main event, Bridgette heads out to her date and TRIES lying to alex for his own sake.. but Alex not only easily guessed she was on a date in the first place but... isn’t bothered at all. He even offers to wing man while sining the firends theme song and clapping at the wrong time. Because he’s alex even when he’s being sweet and a good friend and ex, he can’t help but be just a BIT off.  Bridget goes to meet Ron.. and finds he’s sewn to his ex Joy... like literally sewn or conjoined as they put it. Bridgette freaks the fuck out but is talked by ron into continuing, partly because their getting it undone and partly because Bridgette herself admits Ron looked past her baggage.. even if his is larger, she can at least try to. Also Ron is voiced by Chris Parnell who, with archer delayed event hough i’m watching it again and having stopped wtching rick and morty, I dearly missed. Glad to have you back dude. I’m also unsuprised he’s in this as the man is in everything. He’s a fucking workhorse. 

Anyways Alex happily agrees, has his own brief freakout because bridget didn’t tell him about the conjoined twins thing despite being a room away, but quickly rebounds and.. actually hits it off with Joy. even better than Bridgette is with ron who she soon realizes won’t shut the hell up about hiking. Soon Bridgette.. is jealous. Both because Alex is moving on way easier and found someone way quicker, Joyce shares his weird taste in viking erotica, and because she may still have some feelings left. We saw a bit of that in “Robot Tutor”: Bridgette got jealous real quick when alex saw someone elsed espite them being there mostly as sex pals, and admitted there was still some unresolved stuff there they hadnt gotten past on both sides.  They hit the club and things continue to degrade, with Bridgette even more jealous because Alex never took her dancing. And being that bridg is a musician and loves clubbing and what not, i’ts pretty understandable to be frustrated with her ex talking about how it took someone else to get him to do the worm.. also Alex doing the worm is a sheeer delight. When the cojoined ex couple leave, with Ron once again bringing up climbing machu pichu because apparently it’s in chris parnells contract he can never play an actually likeable romantic intrest, Bridget tries to bail but Alex wants to stay since it’s not his fault his date is going well and her’s isn’t.  Bridgette makes the mistake of saying “If you like joy so much why don’t you just conjoin with her”.. and Alex being alex says “why dont’ I and we end up at conjoin, the place Ron and Joy got bonded in the first place. Ever since 1994, you won’t regret this. Actual signs up there and they are wonderful. Bridgette, still jealous even ifs he can’t stand ron offers to be conjoined to him both in a desperate attempt not to losoe alex and to one up him.  However Alex finally calls her out, as while he’s perfeclty happy for her to move on, as this episode showed.. she can’t stand to see him with someone else, and Ron wisley tells her he can’t be attached to someone who isn’t unattached from her ex. When bridgette counters with the oppsitie ron is suprisingly pogniant “We can detach from each other physically but you two can’t detach from each other spirtually”. WHile bridgette quips about him finally saying something intresting, he’s right. She’s not ready and this night clearly proved it and even if she was she was only doing this to show up Alex. Joy likewise breaks things off. a bit more abrubtly since Alex has’nt been nearly as obvious as bridgette.. but alex himself shows he too still has some feelings when he accidentlya dmits to having written an entire section of his memoir about her teeth. Would could be creepy or you know, standard alex ends up really sweet as Bridgette is not only touched by the gesture, but Alex explains why “THeir all the parts that make up your smile” The two share a look, Joy wants what they have and Ron wants to masturbate alone. The end. 

Sadly this isn’t followed up on yet, if at all if there isn’t more episodes next week, as the next ep with the two in it, the finale for today, has the two in seperate plots that only dovetail at the end. But this honestly feels like a posisble arc for the show; Will the two get back together and work past the issues that got them to divorce in the first place or stay divorced and move on? And regular show, with one exception i’ve ranted enough about and will again, was really good at romantic storylines eventually and this could be really intresting for a number of reasons. I’m realy hoping this isn’t just a one off ending, could be but we’ll hopefully see. Either way this episode is really damn good with both plots , while not intersecitng connecting thematically: ONe couple relives a horrifying mirorr version of their first date while a former couple goes on their first real date with other people since the split but finds they might not be as done as they thought. IT’s a good juxtopision and the whole conjoining bit is both horrifying and good Beisdes having my ship at the center i’ts just a damn good time and the best of the season so far (or at all atain the 8 episodes thing is really throwing me off). 

Snailed It: This one should go quicker as its a much simpler ep: Emily has been working way too much and neglecting Candace, including a crypt based board game they’ve been playing for her job because she’s being a doormat. however i’ts not unresonable since said job gives them health insurance which given their lives, they REALLY need. She’s being such a doormat because she’s understandably afraid if she stands up for herself it could risk her job and they’d loose important stuff.  Emily TRIES to juggle things by doing a charity garden/publicity stunt to distract thigns at the school btu the comination of extra work from her boss and the children not actually gardening makes it fail and candace more upset. Emily finds help in the most unlikely of places: A giant talking snail that offers to let her use his magic hat to speed up time and complete the garden in exchange for some of the veggies. He’s also voiced by nice dude and mighty boosh alum noel fielding in what hoenstly feels like a boosh character got out of that universe, if their not the same unvierse which is possible, and snuck into this one.  Emily accepts, and is tempted to use the hat to do more of her job, with the snail calling her a shit parent. Fuck you man, sh’e sa good mom she’s just making mistakes. Emily decides to do it anyway and it works but she soon finds out using the hat outside the garden ages her while the snail decides fuck it and kidnaps candace by aborbing her into his stomach and making her be his legs so he can get dumplings because why not. What follows is a horrifc and tense chase between the two as candace’s life is on the line and the snail has a backup hat and emily time blasting him only makes candace age or deage, horrifyingly becoming a fetus at one point and a teenager later. It’s ar eally tense well done seen that combines the show’s usual insanity with it’s horror side to great effect Meanwhile josh feels useless since his job is less important, and he feels less important as he’s on call and skipping rocks with randy because apparently that’s what he does on call. Randy gets a great moment though, explaning to josh that h’es like the stones their skipping: he’s immoible and seemingly useless most of the time but when it matters he’s there . He’s there rock. Their support.. and naturally with emily slowly dying from her hat, a rare sentence, Josh steps upa nd saves the day via stone skipping, emily throws the hat in and the fundraiser, due to the madness, sucesffuly buired the scandal and Emily finally tells mr salt no.. and he’s really cool about it just telling her to come in a little later. Things are back on track and we’re out.  This wasn’t a bad one, but it both feels less after the prevoius episode and somehwhat simple comaprd other emily centreic episodes. WHile the snail is a great villian and noel fielding,  like rich fulcher before him, fits into this kind of world nicely. Not a bad one, just one sandwitched between two far more interesting episodes. Speaking of which, we’re in the endg ame now. Next time it’s dog days and weird fucking al baby, until very soon later days. 

#close enough #hbo max #jg quintel #first date #snailed it