hi just venting. idk who will see this. its just me talking abt how much i hate myself
looking back i've been depressed my whole adolescence and young adulthood. i'm 18 but i feel like i've hated myself since hs freshman yr, if not earlier than that. it's not always bad but i never felt good enough for anything. i was the weird one that was a lil ugly but had a sense of humor to compensate ... no one rly knew me and i was a background character. i got bullied or picked on a lot which grew into a deep self hatred for myself. it also affects the way i treat others. since i’ve been depressed a piece of me that had passion and creativity died. ive become a shell of a person with no ambitions and ive hermited myself at home with a mother i fucking dislike with my heart. i have some demons and i cant always beat them. my depression is like my angry, unrelenting inner self. my mean words just come out thoughtlessly and i pretend not to care if i hurt you. ive been hurting all my life. you can handle it.
i’m poor as fuck and live in a small ass gross apartment my entire life. i’m so miserable having nothing to my name. no new shoes, same jacket for yrs and just being at the bottom of the barrel. i hate my circumstances and imagine myself in a real house with real privacy and privilege and a parent thats not a paranoid fucking freak.
ive never had a real boyfriend or anyone whos loved me. im not even sure what it feels like. probably why i always choose the wrong people to talk to... i get my heart broken a lot, and still keep going to get it broken again. i think my endurance of emotional pain hardened me into a ruthless person (sometimes). im over crying over people and being a second option slash backup slash side hoe. all my life ive felt inadequate and undesirable. its in my skin and blood, and no matter what i cant help it.
i fuck up my life without care. being lazy, smoking weed not doing a damn thing but sitting around hating myself. ive sunk into this deep abyss that i cant find a light to. i have antidepressants but i dont even take them. i care about nothing until its too late, which is really bad.
i genuinely hate who i am and what i look like. i wish i had a smaller figure, had a nicer face and hair, but all i have are imperfections. nothing about me says attractive. people dont ever take photos of me bc im so ugly. i dont wanna see what i look like in a back camera and see the ugly creature i am.
admittedly no one could love me. i can see myself being a neet. a loser who lives with her parent at 35 no boyfriend still no good job no car or money. just ugly fat lazy sloppy and sad. unless i have some lightbulb spark above my head that gives me a grand idea or incentive to change my lifestyle it’s gonna be like this every day until i decide to finally kill myself. i just wanna be and feel beautiful. but it feels impossible and i really dont wanna live im this body and spirit when i feel the way i do about myself. thats why im such a loser and dont do anything about it.
im not worth much of anything tbh
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