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persephonesdeadflowers · 7 years

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A Letter

How do you begin such a personal letter to yourself and to those who’ve impacted your life to the point of breaking? It’s a letter to heal myself, to finally start to let go because God knows I’ve never let go of anything in my life.

I’m a hoarder of feelings, emotions, memories. Good or bad. Mostly bad I suppose. The good gets pushed back to a corner. It’s human nature, in a sense, to bring to the forefront all the negative connotations in our lives. But my oh my is it damaging in the long run. It’s cutting really, tiny fragments of glass that cut at your mind, your heart, your soul slowly, constantly, in the bigger picture of life. A shattered glass bowl, the ornate design lost forever.

To digress, I don’t believe I’ve been happy since I was a little girl. A part of me felt even then that she wasn’t enough. Imagine that, a child thinking she wasn’t enough for the world. Cruel stuff, such an ugly mindset. I was never the pretty fragile little girl with the cute pigtailed hair or the sweet smile. I was never tiny either. I was a heavyset child with such a complexity issue and an already growing bad relationship with food. Food was a comfort but also a punishment. There was never a balance. Being a big girl comes with it’s immediate downfalls. I was taunted, in some ways tormented. Maybe I don’t remember much of what was said because I’ve long since tried to forget, and succeded. But I still remember crying, eating and crying, eating and crying. My body issues most definitely began here, at the tender ages of development. My feelings of worthlessness and insecurity took hold. I became a shy, quiet older child. A drastic change from the young child that participated in school plays, was in choir, wasn’t afraid to speak in public. At age 9 I didn’t think I’d made it past the age of 18. I’m not going to ever deny that I had suicidial thoughts at age 9. Age 9. Some of my exhuberance for life lost before I’d even been in this world for a decade. I felt the world was against me, that even God himself hated me. That I should have never had even been born. That this world was better off without me. How I wish I could go back and hug that little girl, and tell her she was wrong for thinking like that. She could have used that.

As we move on, through early adolesence, I can’t say I rememeber much. It becomes a blur. They were stupid times, not much sticks. But I know I got worse. I felt even uglier, with my appearance, my way of thinking. Growing pains they say. Pains indeed. I was 12 when I had my first true depressive episode. At the time I didn’t know what it was, all I remember is feeling very sad, at loss for wanting to do anything I liked doing. A simple explanation really. Coupled with already already present issues and well, it was a lot for me to handle. Somehow I managed to pull through. At least I think I did, I really don’t know for certain that I ever did. Like mentioned before I don’t rememeber much from these years, in terms of what came to break me later on anyways.

Now this isn’t only a letter to myself, but also to some others. Partially to blame, to forgive, and to let go. And it’s also an apology. I won’t use names, but that’s not important. I know who I’m speaking about, all you need to do is read.

Hey there Curly, I wasn’t sure if I should have included you on here, you’ve long since been forgiven. And I don’t consider you a point in my breaking. I think the love I had for you covered the fact that you did hurt me even a little. What broke us apart? A petty fight was it? It amuses me a little even now. I still wish it had never happened. We were the best of friends, attacthed at the hip. So very obviously good for one another, at least at that time long passed. This an apology, I’m sorry for that fight. I wish we’d made up. I know 14 year old me would have loved that, as much as she thought she loved you. But I don’t regret the way things happened with you. As I write this I don’t actually think you meant that much. But I was a little girl with a stupid cruch on her best friend. Oh the cliche. So yeah you made me cry, but you weren’t the worst. And I apologize because I never knew if I hurt you. You couldn’t deny that you liked me even a little bit too when we fell apart. I’m sorry, and I still remember you fondly.

Now, Pretty Eyes, you were the first. By that I mean the first to bring me to tears over the fact that I didn’t understand why you stopped being my friend out of the blue. Had it been something I said, something I said? I know that friendships don’t last forever, especially not school friendships. But we didn’t fall apart naturally or even for a reason that I could have apologized for. And even then, I did ask or forgiveness. You left me without the person I felt closest too. And for no reason. Pretty Eyes, I know you think I’m being stupid. It was so long ago, and yeah I get that, but I never got closure. And you ended up pushing me into a friendship with a girl that left me in a far worse state than you ever did. I think that’s the real issue of why I don’t rememeber you with a pink light. Becasue you were the catalyst of my destrucion. And you never even found out. I forgive you for what you did, but I don’t think I forgive you for what ended up happening because of you. But I wish you the best, for you and your son.

Dear ex-whatever, potential boyfriend that never was, Idiot. Idiot, way harsh right? It’s really the only way I can refer to you, even if it’s not so nice. I can’t believe I thought you loved me. Such naitivity, such foolishness. I should have said no to even being your friend. Becasue we could never be just friends. There was too much dynamic, I could never explain it, and even now it makes no sense to me as to why it had to be you. There was no neutrality. It was love or it was hate. I guess I was so enchanted, blindly enchanted. Now I know I was an out for something you didn’t want. That poor girl, no wonder she seemed to hate me. Come on now, I was even called a homewrecker for God’s sake. But you loved me didn’t you? That was sarcasm by the way. You loved eveything about me. My brashness, the way I spoke my mind, even the way I looked. But it wasn’t love, it was lust. I was a challenge for you. So different from the other girls and you had to have me. Ever the hunter, huh? And you played the part so well. You made me feel like I was the everything in your life. You put me on a pedestal. I’m not going to deny that It felt amazing. Feeling that I was your goddess, something sacred, an alter on which you swore your life to. The higher you are the worse the fall so they say. It’s true. I lived it. I was stupid. And it broke my heart. You broke my heart and then you stepped on it. Couldn’t you tell that my brashness, my fight, was all a front? That I was vulnerable and soft and full of love. I wanted to love you so much, to give you what I had never given to anyone before. A sweet affection that I never thought I could give to anyone. But that wasn’t your goal. Oh sure you played the part, but you were acting, you never wanted what I presumed you did.I tricked myself into loving you, that’s what I know now. But it was doomed from the beginning. I always knew it, but I ignored it. I shouldn’t have. It messed me up. But what was I to you really? Did you think that if I became your girlfriend you could sleep with me? You were wrong there. And so you tired of me. You started to push me away. Slowly then all at once. I never got closure from you, you didn’t think I deserved it. I would have understood. I liked you that much, and I would have readily accepted just being your friend. I wanted the best for you. Even if it wasn’t me. I cried for weeks. I didn’t eat. I wanted you back, some crazy part of me wanted you back. Thank God it never happened. Two years had to pass before I could feel like I could even begin to think about someone new that way, in a true romantic sense. Even then I still think they’d want me just to sleep with me. Which makes no sense, it’s not like I’m some beauty. Idiot, Idiot, Idiot, if only you’d stuck by me and actually cared. I would have given you the world, bent the rules and not cared about a single thing. But no. No, no, no. And oh, look, it was no secret, but you so had a thing with SheSnake, my own bestfriend. Both of you, disgusting. I don’t for one second wish I could have you back, you are so long gone from my heart like that, I’d never take you back even if you begged. Screw you for having done that. I forgive you for teaching me that not all that shines is valuable, but screw you for being my fool’s gold. I wish you well, but I never want to see you again.

SheSnake. You at one point were a sister to me. You and I, so alike yet so different. Pretty Eyes pushed me into you. You took me in when you saw how desolate I was at losing her. For that I am thankful. I’m thankful for the frienship you gave me for two years. We seemed to have a forged a bond stronger than anything. I loved you so very dearly you stuppid girl. I was there for you throught your ups and downs. And you were there for me to. When you neede someone to cry to I was your shoulder to cry on. You became my sister so very quickly, how I wish you never had. I was happy to be there for you. When Big Head wanted you as his girl, man did I hype you up. I wanted him to be happy, I wanted you to be haappy. I didn’t see your faults, how you would ultimately breaak him. Or maybe I did, but I just didn’t want to admit it. But that’s his story to tell or keep. What you did to him, it’s not for me to judge you on, even if I was in the midst of it all. But let me tell you something. If it hadn’t been for me, there would have been no you or him. In a way I feel so bad for knowing that. I could have spared him the heartache. There was always cracks between us. You made me feel bad about myself from time to time, yes you were qucki to say sorry, but it was meaningless. I heard your whispers. You were the one that began to call me a homewrecker. You claimed it was all igood fun, but a friend doesn’t do that to her friend. You would whisper about how no one would ever actually love me, that I could never find anyone. That I’d end up alone. Some of this you even said to me, “jokingly” of course. But it wasn’t a joke to you was it. I still hear your words loud and clear in my head, even today. I don’t comprehend how I stayed through that. It wasn’t healthy. But at some point I guess I ddin’t have much a choice socially. I needed someone. I should have known it would end badly with when the Two came along. It seemed like it would be good. We’d be four, no longer just us two. It was the worse thing ever. Was The Frist threatened by me that she ad to instigate what finally broke us? And you, how could you believe her? Well, plainly speaking, you did call me a homwewrecker, it would make sense that you thought I was the one that broke you and Big Head up the second time, or had it been the third time? . But how stupid, I know you had to lie to youerslef to belive that. But it worked. You convicned yourself that I was a slut, a whore, a boyfriend stealer. Please, if I had wanted Big Head I could have so had him for myself without you ever getting into the picture. And that’s not even to brag, it’s just some truth on the matter. But I could have never done that to you. Even if you had done it to me.You didn’t even have the guts to confront me. How I wish I had taken the lead in that. How I still wish I could have yeled at you ancd yelled and yelled. I wanted to scream at you so badly. Over what I don’t exactly know, but maybe just e verything. But you got what you wanted. I lost all the friends I had and you had everyone believe that what you were saying was true. Thank God there wasonly two weeks of hell left if not I think I would have cracked. Cracked sooner anyways. Because of you, damn, because of you I think is why I hold so much resentment in my head. Sometimes when I cry, I cry over your betrayal. And your words, all of them. I only want to see you once more. Just to slap you. Just once. Let’s hope I never do. But I forgive you, stupid girl, may life never treat you the way you’ve ever treated everyone else. God knows you have your own issues you need to work through. I even feel sorry for you.

And back to me. I’ve been of no help to myself either. Always hating myself, what’s the good in that? At one point supressing all my feelings because I thought I was weak if I had feelings. Where’s the weakness in showing vulnerability. How messed up to think that way. And on top of that to starve yourself because you just wanted to be skinny. It’s such a nasty habit and I still have it. I still have it. As I write this I’ve only had one meal because I feel like I need to punish myself for being depressed, for having anxiety attacks, for being a bundle of nerves and stress. I can’t forgive myself for being so broken as a person. I’m sorry mother and father, that you have to let those close to you know that I’m depressed, that you have to whisper it when you say it, that you have to look at me a little differently now. But you should have known. And yet you don’t know it all. For the few friends I have right now, those that truly care, I’m sorry if I get into any weird moods or if I cease contact. It’s all a little to much for me sometimes. Boyfriend, I’m sorry if I’m a little too much, you might not want to handle it. I wish I could be someone else for you. I want to get through this and be everything for you, because you deserve that more than anyone that I’ve met in my life. But should you chose to ever leave I would never blame you. And I forgive you for thinking you could ever fail me, I’ve failed you more I think. I’ll always love you, and I should have waited for you instead of thinking there could ever be another. I’ll always love you, and I think I always have loved you. It makes no sense to not see it that way. It’s rough right now, but I don’t want to give up on you and I don’t want you to give up on me. Yet there’s no pressure, in the end, I’ll be here, whatever you want.

This is the end of this letter because there’s not much more than I can write. My self feels less .... burdened because finally I’ve put it out in words to the world about some reasons why I am the way I am. It’s not the end. But it’s a begging to the end. I will get through this. One day I will love myself the way I should and put it allbehind me and move forward like I want to. Changes, changes. It’s the process of letting go. The first letter of many.

#personal #letter 1

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