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#and am therefore lashing out in a way that is really unproductive
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every day i get closer to dropping out of grad school
#having a rough go of it#which seems to be a somewhat universal experience when going through quals#the fourth year slump is real#but also.#it truly feels like none of this shit matters.#genuinely. like i have a whole ass masters degree and for what?#i think i'm frustrated with my department (and i have valid reasons) but also i'm frustrated with myself and feel like i am doing bad work#and am therefore lashing out in a way that is really unproductive#i am just. so angry and so unhappy rn. and i hate!!! being angry!#i hate feeling stupid and incompetent and like the work i'm doing doesn't matter!#i wake up every day and dread going into campus!#i am simply so uninterested in being alive rn!#and it feels like everyone i talk to just. doesn't get it.#which isn't true and isn't fair to them but i just feel like i have all these terrible emotions and nowhere for them to go#anyways brought to u by the fact that i have a prelim meeting tomorrow with a faculty member who 1) was not around over the summer#2) ignored my cohort mate's emails for six weeks#3) finally set up regular meetings with us - i didn't see her until#the third week of the semester#was gone over fall break when we were supposed to meet#(which is fine!)#was supposed to see her last friday for the first time in four weeks#she pushed me back a week (probably bc she had a book due) which is also fine!#but was planning to halve my session this week bc my cohort mate was supposed to also meet with her this week#which like. frustrating bc my cohort mate has had way more contact with her than i have and like ofc mine gets cut short when it was already#delayed#and then she's going to tunisia for two weeks later this semester#which also! fine! but means she will be unavailable! again!#it's just hard to care about anything when it feels like i am not in the top 100 of anyone's priorities rn#just. feeling a lot of grief. a lot of anger. a lot of shame and guilt and simply not good enough in every single aspect of my life#(including the non-academic ones)
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kacychase · 4 years
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MM - My story to you (707xMC)
SUMMARY
This is my legacy for you.
Saeyoung, I know that you can see me here. Whoever you are, wherever you are, this is my legacy for you. You don’t need to wait forever as long as we are together. And to cherish and love you, I wrote this piece for you. Our love story…
In case you get lonely, in case you have doubts, I will always be here to take your doubts away.
Hoping that you’ll always love me as much as I love you~
Your wife always,
Hana
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.
~---°---~
Word count: 4555
When you read this, Saeyoung, I hope that you remember the early days. Haha, in fact, I don’t really know how I landed there in the first place, how “Unknown” has chosen me to be hacked. Maybe I have been just a random puppet to him, one in a million…?
But either way, I’m glad I met you.
Back then, when I entered the house, and suddenly, the phone has been entering the chat messages, you have immediately reacted to my arrival. In retrospect, it was pretty typical of you to analyse my profile, find out my credentials, my number, likely my credit card details (thanks for not hacking me hehe~). Funnily, you were immediately the one teasing about everything.
Hahaha, just as I read what you wrote, I just couldn’t help it.
Back then, in confusion, I was trying to grasp the information you and the rest of the RFA had given me – and to be honest, I was a little scared that I might have been in trouble. However, as things finally started to calm down, I finally caught myself catching a breather.
The first time we somewhat got acquaintance was right after you did a background check on me.
You as Seven, hacked yourself into my life and into my heart, and before you could pull away, you couldn’t break through your own firewall. See how well you kept me as our wife to make these jokes? Aren’t you proud reading this, hehe~ I hope I will get more good wifey points from you once we have finally married in our own little spaceship.
Hadn’t it been for that moment, I wouldn’t have known for myself how to get to you.
.
Oh, that day… It was a tough day for both of us.
“Cheer up meow! You’re with the person you like meow!”
I couldn’t imagine what kept you out, what kind of burden and pain made you restrain and go back this much. Initially, I was convinced to cheer you up and lighten up your day, but now… I can’t help but already feel unsettled.
Your words could’ve cut through butter: “Why is this on again…” Your way of eyeing the cute robotic cat didn’t affect the little fellow, however. Completely unwavering, your own programmed cat responded in its perfected fashion: “I turn on when I sense depression meow! You’re with the person you like meow!”
Man…
I wish that this forced confession would’ve meant more now, but as your face distorts in frustration and anger, I can’t help but worry.
‘What happened to you, Seven…?’ was a thought that played through my head non-stop, knowing that my previous calls didn’t change your attitude… But you sounded happier then.
“You like meow! You like meow! You like meow!” I nearly would’ve chuckled from the cuteness of this thing, hadn’t you finally lost your last straw with it. Your glasses partly reflected your eyes as you stood up, but I could figure that you weren’t exactly amused.
“Damn it. Shut up…!,” you yelled in your annoyance, making me sober up. This was no fun time for you. Trying to look at what’s wrong, the following movements all were so sudden: you approaching the cat, taking it into your hand, and taking a big swing…
With this, your own sweet recreation of Elizabeth  the 3rd was no more – or rather, became many pieces scattered on the floor.
My face hardened at this sight, knowing that he might regret it later… And I couldn’t just watch all of this on the floor. It hurt. “ think it’s broken… Can I fix it?”
Muttering those words to you didn’t seem to help your mood become any calmer. “Just leave it. It’s useless,” you just replied, eyes looked on the pieces as if to avoid my eyes. This room, all of these insides felt even colder than before. The bomb suddenly didn’t bother me as much.
“I’ll throw it away later,” you said with a effortlessly booming, icy voice, although you probably didn’t try to sound menacing. At least I would always trust you not to hurt me. Just as assured as I am now, writing this piece to you, I used to be back then.
Your words… It was a bittersweet, funny thought. “And I’ll be leaving soon, so just forget about me.” While you tried to push me away, throwing knives into my heart, it’s as if it was the only goal for you. You seemed to run away, and with this, the hacker 707 became the most predictable person I could hack myself. Neither me, nor the RFA were meaningless to you, and your efforts to protect us proved it.
“I’m sure you’re just upset over Yoosung!,” I just replied with as much enthusiasm as I could muster – I hated the cold feeling of the apartment, “Cheer up!” I just wanted him to be happy, to forget his grief. And I have always been glad to be born a fighter. Your statement: “It’s none of your business how I feel” sobered me up like anything else. But sulking and choosing to be hurt wasn’t an option for me when I knew what my goal was.
I would not take these empty phrases to heart. Back then I already knew that this was not the true Seven or Luciel. Or the true you… And ironically, you started saying these things as if you purposefully tried to contradict yourself: “You wouldn’t have known, but this is how I’ve always felt. There was never a single day when I wasn’t depressed.”
‘This man would make me start praying to God again’, I thought. I wanted to make you feel liberated for a change, to help you with your burden. But then, as you said these words, I understood that if you struggled for a long time… Maybe you didn’t know how to confide in me? Maybe you needed to figure out how to share and disclose yourself to other people before you could trust me?
The silence of me staring right back into his honey-golden eyes seemed to make him nervous, and he continued saying icy things: “Can’t you see that it was all a lie? The jokes, the pranks, all the laughs! Don’t think about me, just think about protecting yourself!”
It would be the least thing I would want, but knowing that you were (still are) the more capable out of both of us, I assured you instead: “I can protect myself so don’t worry!” I threw right back at him with a cocked eyebrow, remembering that during my time in middle school and high school, I did have quite a few self-defense classes. “I’m pretty strong.” I couldn’t help but smirk a little in my pride.
Instead of indulging, you kept up your façade: “You’re underestimating your opponents” and I knew that you as well were a fighter for your own things. For some reason, it made me believe in you even more. You wouldn’t give up on me, as much as I couldn’t give up on you. “You’ll really be in danger with that attitude.”
Not as if we weren’t already, I wanted to say but I realized that it was both ill-intended and unproductive. I didn’t want to lunge back at you. It’s what you twistedly wanted, and I was not going to let you down. “You’re so similar to Yoosung,” you muttered, looking down at thee wooden floor of Rika’s apartment, a sad smile appearing and vanishing just as fast. “Yu don’t have a care in the world regardless of what’s going on,” you said to me, and I couldn’t help but see him for what state you were in right then.
You avoided everyone, worked day and night, eyebags on your face, you lashed out on people you cared for, and were scared. “I just want to be with you, because I like you!” Sometimes, a hacker might see the code as too complicated due to circumstances.
“How many times do I have to repeat myself…,” you started muttering as you corrected your posture, your left hand now tightly gripping onto your headphone cable, “I can’t be with you. We can’t be anything together!” Your hand trembled, and I just listened to your every word.
“Everything that surrounds me… is an illusion that exists in a temporary life of an agent named 707. They’ll all soon fade away. My house, my cars, RFA, you, this place, everything… one day they will disappear like the morning fog. A real life, real things I can have… don’t ever think and hope those things can exist.”
“Yoosung, Hana, all the members, even if you say that you like me… my life…,” suddenly, you let loose of that cable, both of your hands dangling helplessly, just as your head looked down, “y life can’t embrace anything. You don’t know how it feels to live that kind of life. Don’t be nice to me when you don’t know anything. Please… get away from me.”
No. Even if it had been for the best of both of us, I wouldn’t have been able to fulfil your request because I loved you too much. I was and would always selfishly fight for you, and I still do it. I don’t regret anything, and I appreciate your support every day.
“Just leave me alone…”
I felt it in every bone.
“The person you like is the 707 in the chatroom, not me!,” you cried out, suddenly looking straight-up at me in bewilderment. I didn’t know whether what you said scared me or you more… But I wouldn’t accept it. I had to support you.
“Then please let me understand the person in front of me!” It broke my heart to see you like this, and after that incident, I have always known that you felt guilty for treating me like this, Saeyoung. But please understand… there is nothing to apologize for when you are scared.
And therefore I hugged you. God, you trembled so badly, your breath might have hitched. It was as if my senses went off immediately – you were so close, your smell of Honey Buddha chips and PhD Pepper, your matching racing heartbeat, your hitched breath were so much at once, but man.
I was glad I did that right thereafter.
You whispered my name. “Why are you doing this to me?” Suddenly, a dagger hit my heart. I wished it wouldn’t have hurt that much hearing you say that. But you struggled. I would be there for you, no questions asked. And if you read this, my dearest partner in crime, Agent 707, Saeyoung, husbando, please understand that this still counts, okay?
Okay.
Further on, you insisted that you couldn’t embrace anything, that your life was wrong from the beginning, dangerous and filled with lies… I instantly felt my heart drenched and twisted like a wet towel. As you said that you couldn’t protect me or your brother, that was it. I felt a little tear falling down, and couldn’t help but to shake a little. Secretly, I hope you wouldn’t feel it.
With a silent whisper, you asked: “Why can’t you understand me?”
Another tear, and silence. I didn’t want you to hear that I cried, didn’t want you to worry, so it prolonged my answer. For that, I sounded even more assured: “I like the Seven that’s in front of my eyes. Regardless of how complicated your life is. I want to know.”
Haha, Saeyoung, see how I remembered every word? While you said that you could remember every one of our conversations, I can just say that I do, too. And I treasure every one of them in my memories.
“Hana… Don’t do this… please… I-I-,” you mumbled in a gut-wrenching plea, showing your true suffering for something, and I hugged you even tighter. “I cherich you… I want to make you hapy… but I can’t! Why do you want to be with me when I’m so dangerous?”
‘It’s you, Seven’, I thought to myself, knowing fully well that it had always been you. It would always be you. “Why do you like me!”
It was you.
“There is no reason. I just like you. That’s how I feel!,” I call him out, suddenly my own voice shivering. With that, I suddenly felt your chest decreasing, letting out air both you and I had been holding. Your sigh was so relieving to hear, and I felt distress flooding out of my veins.
“You’re impossible, Hana,” you muttered, making me chuckle a little at his frustrated tone. “You’re so strange. I feel like I’m going strange, too. Why aren’t you giving up?!” When your voice broke, my face felt like the cat on the floor, shattered to pieces.
“Why aren’t you getting hurt and abandoning me?!” That was it. I couldn’t listen to it any longer. I didn’t want to hear you say these things, hurt yourself and me in the process. I loved you, and wanted you to be happy. As you continued to rant, I suddenly uttered a word, and it felt so incredibly hard to speak up.
It nearly was as if a wall refused to make me do so.
“You.”
Your body stiffened, and you turned around. For some reason, your stare was even more scared when you looked down on me, and your eyes widened. Letting my arms go off of him, I just couldn’t help but stare back. Why was he so bewildered to look at me.
“You shouldn’t have been able to…,” you stared at me, eyes teary. “Seven…,” I said, suddenly feeling like hugging him. So I did.
“Hana… Are you…,” he muttered in shock, body shivering even more. “I-I will protect you, Hana, I promise. You survived, you’re alive, and I will keep it that way,” you mumbled, suddenly hugging me tightly and back then not knowing what it meant, I just tried to hug you back.
“Can I be next to you when you work?,” I asked you back then, but you didn’t move. “A-Alright,” you replied with a shivery breath.
“I can’t guarantee that I will be good for you, Hana. I don’t think I will be good for you,” you remarked and went out of the embrace, looking at me meaningfully. Your golden eyes sparkled through your glasses, and I couldn’t help but softly push a little bit of your hair strands away.
“Your eyes…,” he whispered, “They’re beautiful.”
I had no clue what that meant back then, but I just replied that so were yours. My smirk seemed to have reached you as well. And as both of us felt that there was nothing to say anymore, you announced: “Time to go back to work.”
At that very moment, I already asked myself how the heck I had flipped the switch for you, an unknowing feeling in my tummy region as I approached you.
There was only one chair in your work area, and I realized that my tummy growled. You immediately turned towards me. “There should be some leftover stuff from yesterday,” you just immediately announced, just as your tummy started to growl as well.
With a small grin, I just responded: “I made sushi today. There have been some for you, too, so it’s definitely time to eat!” “I need to w-“ “I know, I’ll bring it, Seven.”
Quickly ignoring your protests, I ran off to the kitchen, knowing that I put extra much effort into the sushi. Even trying the inside out rolls, I smile at myself as I made a smiley out of the little plate with rolls. In the hopes that you weren’t a picky eater, I transported both plated to your station, putting it on a table where usually, your Honey Buddha Chips and your empty PhD bottles would have situated. I decided bring them away soon in my head.
However, your face was the best when you discovered what exactly I brought you. “God, Hana…,” you muttered, visibly gulping. “Why are you so nice to me? After I’ve been angry with you…”
“It’s because I have feelings for you. Plus, I would love you to try my sushi,” I smiled brightly and received a confused, yet admiring stare from my counterpart. “You’re too positive for your own good,” you finally smiled back at me with these words, seeing the smiley on the plate. As both of us took the chopsticks, I realized I forgot drinks. “Ah! Do you want to drink something or-“
As if reading my thoughts, you suddenly pulled out a bottle of PhD Pepper and man, I could have sworn it wasn’t there before. And yes, after that, both you and I know that it wasn’t there. “A tribute to the Gods for my beautiful existence and for having you in my life!,” you just rambled out of nowhere, probably to light up the mood.
I couldn’t help but blush though. “Thank you, Seven. I’m glad that we can get along like this,” I sincerely couldn’t help but saying this, but your eyes intensively stared back. With that, you put away your headphones, probably because we were about to eat. “You’re too good for this world, Hana. I want you to know that I want to make you happy from now on…”
Your words made my heart skip a beat, and the way you blushed… While you might have pulled up your sleeves – with very handsome lower arms – I couldn’t help but stare at your gushing face still. “Hey, Seven.”
As you looked up, I desperately wanted to kiss you. So much, but I didn’t know whether I would overwhelm you again.
So I took a deep breath.
“Could you feed me again please?”
This was WAY better, hahaha. God, even writing this, your reaction was hilarious! I bet still that both of us thought of the time you were still angry, and fed me all flustered. WheI asked you oer the call, I honestly wouldn’t have expected you to accept it.
But this time, I was less surprised.
“Okay, if that’s what it takes you to e-eat,” you stammered, your face competing with your hair for redness. Man, you looked adorable to me.
“Hmm… Maybe, I can feed you, too, so that all of us are treated equally,” I replied with a little grin.
“How can you be quirkier than 707, Hana?! You’re really strange!,” you finally called out on me, grinning nervously. I just couldn’t help but laugh it off.
“I still love you, Seven, Luciel, or however you want to be called, I asked you to feed me last time. I want to repay with gratefulness!”
And with that, where there has been coldness in the apartment, your chuckle… I don’t know whether you do it on purpose, but it is still absolutely beautiful. It makes my gloomy days sparkle brightly, and my face can’t help but have this lovestruck face you fall for so much. I could have listened to you forever back then.
“That’s it,” you say, your eyes shining in a breathtaking way. With that, you took the chopsticks into your had, picked up a Sushi from your plate and chirped: “Open your mouth, kitty~”
As I chewed happily while looking at him, when all of a sudden he asked something of me.
“Please… call me Saeyoung. It’s who I truly am.”
.
.
After that, for some reason, we could’ve taken up to any challenge. The RFA was happy for us, and even after a lot of effort, you, my Saeyoung – as I came to uncover his past – could save your brother and have him live in our apartment. Things were crazy, we went along too well for our own good, to the point of you proposing to me after a month. God… The door thing was a crazily good idea.
But there was one thing that was strange, and I didn’t know how to tell you during those days when we ate, when we were grocery shopping, or when both of us worked next to each other on that computer. Most of the time, I was finished before you and I could cuddle on your lap after… It was amazing. Still is.
However, there are… weird things going on. Ever since the messenger mystery has been solved, I could live a life chatting with everyone, but since the first day of us as a couple, I couldn’t help but see them… Glitches.
It had been so weird, but scary, and I didn’t know how to tell you. I dreamed of losing you, and I was afraid that I was about to disappear when parts of binary code appeared on my hand that night.
“OH MY GOD!,” I shrieked into the usually tranquil and loving night that we had.
“Hana?!,” you called on me, immediately worried since you knew that I wouldn’t be easily shaken. “What is it?! A bug again?! A bad dream?? Do you need anything?!” Bewildered that he couldn’t see the obvious glitch on my hand, I couldn’t help but point it out: “Can’t you see it?!”
“What?”
Your voice was extremely confused, just as your face was speaking of alarm. Wearing your glasses today, I know that you would have to see it as I held up my arm.
And seeing that I had not much to explain, I still tried to soothe us both. “Saeyoung… I don’t know what this is, and I don’t know how to get rid of it. Could you know what it-“
“The game… It’s starting to fall apart.”
All of a sudden, the whole atmosphere was scary. I could practically feel your heartbeat from far away, and for the love of God, I didn’t know what you meant. “What do you mean?”
Panic seemed to influence your fingers as you grasped my face, your pupils dilating. “Please don’t disappear, Hana, I- I might have made a mistake.”
In complete confusion, but used to that emotion, I brace myself by taking a deep breath: “Please explain the situation to me. I’m here. I won’t go.” This was to soothe both of us as I had no fucking clue what was happening to my arm. The green numbers on black ground felt like a huge computer screen.
Hearing you mumble: “It’s lagging… I knew it���” and other things scared the heck out of me, Saeyoung. Don’t pull this shit ever again on me, you hear?!
“Saeyoung…” My voice was increasingly panicky as I picked up the vibe that you were exerting.
“You see everything around us, Hana?” We could have heard a pin drop at the silence.
“Yes. What about it?”
“Well…,” you muttered, and with that, you pressed the enter key.
And this was when I finally understood what you have said all the way. The ugly truth, the failure to protect, the way you were anxious of leaving…
All of the things around us, even Saeran bursting into the room… It turned into a huge mess of binary codes, other commands I have seen you type, and so, so much more…
“Saeyoung?”
“Right now, I have created all of it. I wished for it a while ago…,” I looked at you in bewilderment. “I wanted to help out people of this world because the world is cruel, Hana. This world was made to satisfy someone’s obsessions, nothing more. I’m just a pawn of this. So are you. I couldn’t have you near me because I wanted to resist this.”
Your chest began to shake, but I was suddenly taken aback. What… What the fuck happened to me?! My vision started to blur.
“I’m just here to help someone else, and I was supposed to leave,” you muttered to explain this to me, “But here I am, loving you and being engaged to you.”
Seeing your face has pained me the most. I couldn’t help but be in utter shock. “Then why… Why did you do this?”
His face scrunched into a painful smile. “You broke the fourth wall. You are someone. And I want to protect you from this.” I listened to your story, to what this world was supposed to be, how I might have been a player who glitched into my own body.
But imagine if my words had been any other than the ones I ultimately said: “I will stay with you, Saeyoung. No questions asked. We will fix it.”
Looking at me in awe, with tears in his eyes, he closed the gap between us, eyes closed. I immediately put my arms around you as you remembered, deepening the kiss and responding to this fiery and heated kiss. I loved how much we were able to share, to inhibit our shyness towards each other. But this hurt.
It hurt so much when we broke apart
“If you survive this, Hana… You might become the wizard’s apprentice, too. But if you wish to come back to your old self, I wouldn’t fault you…,” you whispered crying, and as you broke, you just decided to look me dead in the eye, knowing that with his past, and this current state of me slowly becoming unreal, I could say anything.
“H-how?!,” I replied in desperation, tears streaming down my face at the distress. “I want to be with you, Saeyoung! I wish for us to be together and happy! Is this too much to ask?!,” I screamed into the void around and glared at him. “How the hell could you have hidden it to everyone?! What about that damn wish?! God… This is messed up, Saeyoung.”
As the world reconstructed itself around us, I couldn’t help but keep my eyes trained at yours, guilt haunting his face. “You know what. How did you know what happened?” You stared at me, knowing full well that back then, you left me in utter confusion. “Your eyes… normally, you weren’t supposed to have any. But look at yourself.” Looking at his glass reflection, I tracked myself – light brown hair with bangs put up in a bun, angry hfnwn eyes looking back at myself, I realized…
I remembered. I played the game myself. This wasn’t my original me…
But I still don’t care. “God, I’m sorry, Saeyoung,” I said to him, realizing how many times he must’ve watched me play this game. “It’s alright, you played my route nearly all the time,” he chuckled emptily back at me, “Someone was obsessed with me~”
Blushing, I responded: “Well, yeah! See? I would choose you again! The first time was me being a newbie…”
“Well, MC,” God that felt weird, “What now?”
.
.
.
With our first child on the way – it feels like two though – I feel like I chose the right path, don’t you think, Saeyoung? You have asked me how it was to find everything out, all of a sudden to ask that. It was a shock, but I decided to focus on what I truly wanted. I want you.
So here I am, with my lovely husbando, married at the space station, a horribly unhealthy eater and great taste in your car babies~
With the goal to be a good wifey… Both of us don’t exist, but to us both, we do.
And that is what counts, doesn’t it?
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