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butmakeitgayblog · 7 months

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I have a "What if" question that might sounds stupid, but I could totally be dumb and didn't catch the answer.

I'm reading your CI snippets and more specific the Bet pt. 2, they're kissing (beautiful moment) and Lexa tells Clarke that she has always wanted her (my heart is a puddle, great) but in the snippet where they fight because of CC (Cunt-Costia) Clarke actually ask a really interesting question: what would have happened if Costia never broke up with Lexa?

And yes, Lexa is super soft and vulnerable in her answer and she told Clarke (one of my favorite moment of ALL times, among all the ff I ever read) that she wouldn't survive losing Clarke (and that's why I think she'll be livid when Clarke does that accident with her car) but she never actually answer the exact question.

She told Clarke that right now she doesn't need to doubt their love because she would never cheat on her because she really loves her (and we know how much does that mean) and she couldn't image a life without her because she wouldn't survive it, but what if Costia never left?

Oo I love a good If/Then

Ok so, realistically, if Costia hadn't broken up with Lexa, they absolutely would've gotten married.

Raven was not lying that the two had been talking about the idea in the not-entirely distant future. And Lexa meant what she said when she told Clarke that she had been happy enough with Cos. Enough at least to choose that path for herself once upon a time. With Costia she was safe, and that's exactly what she wanted at that time. A wife who she more or less loved, who she was generally fond of and got along with, and who she was sexually compatible to. She had no real vulnerabilities with Costia. They had the same circle of friends, Costia had her own wealth and status that only helped amplify Lexa's own. Cos was exactly the kind of girl everyone expected Lexa to end up with, and she was perfectly fine with that.

She probably would've been unfaithful, but not because Lexa isn't a one-woman woman, but rather because eventually she would've felt bored and unfulfilled. Tho that would've been an understanding between them. Costia keeps whatever lovers she feels like having to herself, and Lexa would do the same. They'd be the quintessential Old Money marriage of two people who were together for fun, status, and convenience, with all of the usual bullshit that came along with it.

It would've been a shrewd marriage. A safe one.

One Lexa could never get hurt in.

Clarke would've kept going exactly how she was. She would've eventually straightened up enough to follow her father into finance and investment, and hated every goddamn minute of it. She would've kept on "not doing relationships" and left an even longer string of men and women in her wake. Her life would've been more or less unremarkable, nothing exceptional, beyond being a pitbull in her chosen profession. She would've been extremely successful, but lonely, and still entirely convinced she wasn't worth being loved.

They would've drifted even further than they were to begin with. Lexa - settling into her own little life of nonstop work and playing the doting wife, in between fucking her mistresses after hours and picturesque weekends with the in-laws in the Hamptons. Clarke - drowning herself in work and money, weekends of sex and top shelf bourbon. No calls, no Christmas cards, no visits home to check on the parents. Neither ever really acknowledging that the other one existed, much less having any kind of contact.

But when their parents pass?

When that evil bitch and the dipshit both go?

Meeting again at the funeral?

That'd be the moment that everything changes.

Because Lexa sits next to Clarke at the service smelling like the most intoxicatingly delicate cologne Clarke's ever smelled in her goddamn life. It's feminine, but muskier than she remembers the girl having smelled like so many years before. More mature. She thinks it suits her. But fuck, Lexa's still all legs and sharp jawline and those eyes that just scream of danger. The poutiness of her lips is really hard not to stare at when Lexa sits there so bored it's like she could fall asleep.

There's something comforting in knowing that, even after so much time and knowing how Lexa had spent the years playing house, she still sees through the bullshit fakeness of all this. Just like Clarke does.

What Clarke wouldn't know is that Lexa would've chosen that seat entirely on purpose, though she would've told herself it was just in the interest of annoying her estranged stepsister. Not because the sight of Clarke in her skin tight blazer and short skirt made her heart jump up into her throat like she was 17 again. Not because Clarke looks like the epitome of money and sex. Or like she doesn't give a fuck about the fact their last ties to their old lives are finally 6ft further out of their minds.

A few whispered jibes and morbid jokes to follow a few predictable insults would have them smiling. Because some things never change, even when so much else has.

And those insults would turn into plans to meet for coffee and coffee would turn into a lunch. A lunch spent actually talking like adults. Like strangers, but not quite, who are actually taking the time to get acquainted. Catching up about where they've been (despite them both vaguely knowing through the grapevine in one way or another) and what they've been doing. Who they've been doing. Comparing notes and unfortunately shared notches on their individual bedposts, though that subject dies quickly in lieu of just shameless flirting.

Because some things really never change.

That lunch would become lunches, would become meeting up whenever the hell they feel like. Visits to each other's offices and dinners spent behind closed doors, just the two of them locked away. All it'd take is one wrong look and the exact right thing to say, one too many touches that linger, and they'd be shamelessly fucking on every surface that would hold them.

Except unlike the trysts and flings they've had over the years with others... it's never just sex. Never. Not with them. And Lexa admits that one night, after months of lunches and dinners and stolen trips away together that they each blame on work, when she really realizes just how deep in fucking trouble she is. When she admits that this was why she didn't let anything happen when they were younger.

Because everybody has always been just everybody.

But Clarke?

She's Clarke.

That's when they both realize Lexa needs to find a really good divorce attorney. And that Clarke needs to get the hell over her fear of commitment.

Quick.

#anon #cruel intentions au #🥰🥰🥰 thank you and I'm so glad you like this story #i know it's polarizing and all so it means a lot when people like it #they're our lil fucked up babies

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mercuriial · 4 years

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✎⌠jamie chung. cis female. she/her⌡❝ — well, look who’s just arrived ! if it isn’t the one and only kennedy cho. though, around here they’re known as the byzantine. don’t tell ‘em i said this but the thirty-eight year old mayor of misty hollow kinda has a reputation of being cynical and obsessive. but y’know, they can be eloquent and industrious too. typical virgo. anyways, welcome home and stay safe kennedy ! ❞

BACKGROUND

— kennedy was born and raised in misty hollow to two parents, both who were loving but strict and always very clear of what they expected of kennedy, their only child. their family wasn’t poor exactly, but they lived paycheck by paycheck, always scrounging up whatever money they could for what they needed.

— she was expected to always be the best of her class, and be a positive, contributing member of society. from a young age, her family were volunteers at the town’s church, and in high school she joined lots of clubs to participate in whatever she could !

— so … growing up she was very sociable, generous n outgoing because she had to be, that’s how her parents raised her. in actuality though, she’s extremely introverted, n doesn’t really have much to say unless there’s something that Needs to be said, y’know ? just kinda kept to herself other than when she had to keep up an appearance

— kennedy has always been an overachiever and it’s just come naturally for her ? like because she was just raised to always do the best she could possibly do, she feels like it’s just a given that she should be the Best. so as u would expect, in high school she got unbelievably good grades, was heavily involved in extracurriculars, and tried to be best friends w all her teachers !!

— i wouldn’t say she was Disliked by her peers ?? she definitely wasn’t particularly popular, but she kinda was just under everyone’s radar and no one thought she was Special or anything sldkfj i guess u could say she was lonely , although she’d never admit it ( and i don’t think she’d even let the thought / feeling cross her mind )

— kennedy moved across the country for school ! she went to stanford to study international relations ( with a few scholarships and Hefty student loans ), before going to law school in columbia ! after law school, kennedy began working at a prestigious corporate law firm but found this job unfulfilling. afterwards, she moved onto working under the attorney general of new york for a few years, before deciding to run for the position of attorney general in the next election.

— for a while, she was actually doing okay with her campaigning but after a scandal got out of her having had a relationship with her boss and uh … people didn’t like her so much after that. so , her career kinda came tumbling down really quickly and kennedy didn’t know how to deal with it and moved back to misty hollow.

— a little after she moved back, there was an election for the new mayor of the town. wanting a little ego boost, she decided to run and actually won. she’s been mayor for around four years now and honestly ? she hates it lmao. this is definitely not what she imagined her life / career to look like but after what happened in new york, she’s lost a lot of confidence in herself and feels like this is all she’s really capable of.

— BUT she is a competent mayor ! she gets things done and when she cares about something, she will make sure she sees it through all the way to the end. she always keeps her promises. as much as being back sucks, it’s also reminded her why she got into this whole field in the first place. she got way too caught up in trying to win some popularity contest and being objectively successful, forgetting that what she’s really wanted is to have more meaningful work with people face to face !

PERSONALITY

— is the living embodiment of looks like they could kill you, but is actually a cinnamon roll but also ? she isn’t SOFT soft y’know ?? she wants people to take her seriously ( and she takes Herself VERY seriously ). she likes 2 act like she has everything under control even when she doesn’t n doesn’t like to show people when she’s hurt even when inside she’s got a lot goin on n she isn’t just a robot who wants 2 take advantage of people

— very private ,, especially after her whole Scandal. she keeps her job as mayor n who she actually is very separate - tho she tries to be compassionate n tuned into how people feel, she doesn’t give much of Herself away in the job if that makes sense !

— because of what i said above , she also doesn’t REALLY know how 2 talk to people ? like she knows how to be diplomatic n say what people wanna hear , sound nice n sweet n all that but doesn’t ... know how to be vulnerable with a best friend kind of thing. she feels Awkward about it all because she feels like that’s just not who she’s supposed to be

WANTED

— give me a best friend ! a girl gang ! someone for her to just share a bottle of wine with after a long day at work ! pls

— ok so ? kennedy is a lesbian ...... something she’s come to realize very very Late in her life and is still coming to terms with now , especially after working in politics during a time when being openly gay was not ? widely accepted !! she’s working on trying to digest the fact that her attraction to men has always been superficial at best but this is besides the point anyways i just want . kennedy to have a nice n healthy fwb <3 or even someone she has a lil crush on <3 so ladies .. if ur out there .. call me thank u !

— any exes ? probably would be men but we could work anything out honestly as long as it makes sense with what i said above ! her past relationships were probably surface-level and she put in minimal effort into them i’m sorry !

— ok ok OK someone who constantly pushes kennedy to be a Good Mayor like ? visits town hall at least once a week and lists off all the problems she hasn’t gotten to yet n is like U NEED TO DO BETTER LUV !! and absolutely does not give a fuck abt makin her feel bad lmao,, just keeps kennedy on her toes <3

— there are so many things we could do honestly !! idk it’s late right now so this list is SHORT but since she’s mayor, there are soooo many ways our muses could have interacted !

#misty.intro #this is way too long lmao i'm sorry !#but ofc as always like or msg if u wanna plot !

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yochess · 3 years

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Goals

Here are some goals I have for myself: these seem impossible to accomplish, so I need to take baby steps. I need to develop a game plan sometimes this week... I think I need support so there is accountability... Mission: - GET OUT OF THIS COMFORT ZONE CYCLE. IT IS UNFULFILLING, REPETITIVE, AND LONELY - find few meaningful relationships whether it is with someone new or people from the past. - figure out what i want Myself: [ ] stop being passive aggressive and indirect [ ] be more caring and less apathetic, because I don’t want to become like my dad. [ ] give less fuck about making myself look good, because it is narcissistic (insecurities). It also hinders what I truly want to do or say... [ ] stop being a people pleaser, because that is something I should not give a fuck about. It also benefits assholes. The intention is to become a happier person, not a suck up, just so I am liked by everybody. People: [ ] talk to more girls [ ] learn how to flirt with girls [ ] give less fuck what people think [ ] actually try and care, because i don’t think I actually do... if i cannot care then I have to live with it and learn how to not hate myself for not caring... Family: [x] call parents roughly 2 to 3 times a week and talk more than just about myself. I need to fix this codependent behavior where i’m babied. [ ] text or call sister once a week even tho i still have negative feelings towards her (i think she is extremely fucken selfish, hypocritical, and cannot see her own fucken flaws, yet it is so fucken easy for her to judge others. i guess i am similar in some ways so i shouldn’t judge and be hypocritical myself) Society: [ ] figure out a plan to interact with more people (not just ppl from poker) [ ] either join a club or do some community service Books: [ ] How to Win Friends and Influence them [ ] The Power of Now (not something I’d typically read, but a spiritual friend thinks it is a good read) [ ] Tao Te Ching (same as above) Health: [ ] don’t snack irresponsibly [ ] only drink twice a week [x] weed 4x a month max [ ] eat lots of salad with light dressing (i have stopped...) [ ] maintain walking 6000+ steps per day outdoor (i have stopped again...) Poker: [ ] review 2 to 4 hands at least three times a week [ ] try to focus while I play (i have stopped) [ ] grind less hours (lol) Finance: [ ] figure out how to invest and diversify in this crazy and unprecedented times

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sweetnoctis · 3 years

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my real problem is that i’m too lazy to try or i’m too much of a coward to try. i’ve screwed up so many chances that could’ve gotten me better grades, better social life, better life experiences all because i don’t try. i was quite an emotional child and kept things bottled up until it burst out (smth that i still carry to this day unfortunately) and whenever i wouldn’t open up to my mum about what was bothering me even if i had a waterfall of tears she would say “stop making it worse for yourself”

i never realised how much weight that carried until now. i just keep making it worse for myself. oh my god.

i’m probably never gonna find love and have an unsuccessful and unfulfilling career and my misery that i feel right now is gonna carry on until i die oh my god. fuck i hate this so bad. i hate that part of me so bad. i’m so fucked up.

i look ugly and i have an ugly personality so theres nothing i can rely on. no one likes me oh my god. people usually have circumstances that they can blame their issues on but fuck i’ve just been screwing myself over since the beginning. i can only blame my problems on myself.

lack of social skills - my unwillingness to actually interact with people my age (or just people in general. even through text i’m so sucky)

my laziness - i wasn’t taught/didn’t hold onto good work ethics provided by my teachers and parents

my inability to adapt to the social situation?? like i’m empathic but i always come across as judgy or strict or a robot or smth. i do have judgemental in my personality type tho so its not too far off. but i wanna be able to respond properly to things that need a proper response, and try to avoid people thinking the worst of me even tho ppl will think whatever they want with or without evidence.

feeling isolated - i push people away and cry about it when i realise how lonely i am. pathetic.

my poor health. everyone takes care of their own health and i have done a very bad job. extremely bad acne, yellowing teeth, frequently greasy hair, fat, hairy. its obvious to everyone outside and inside my friend group that i’m the ugly duckling. and don’t even get me started on my iron deficiency, poor immune system, overworked digestive system, frequent headaches and earaches, and poor posture, this description makes me sound like the greasy fat diseased rat that i am.

my inability to keep promises and doing the simplest things for others. i hate that. its all my fault and its the #1 spot on things i deeply regret along with not showing people i care about that i care about them enough

what do i even have to stick around for? i’m so fucking useless and my life is so screwed up and no one likes me and even the ones that do are gonna walk out soon enough when they see the boring trash i really am my siblings are so much better than me in all areas especially better looking and i’m just a huge family disappointment and student disappointment and i never go forward i just keep plummetting til i get worse and worse i say i don’t wanna stick around but thinking about dying really scares me i don’t wanna die i just wanna escape from here. and i’ve been getting really scary feelings like smth bad is gonna happen soon like dark feeling and i just keep thinking no no no inside my head and idk whats going on a few days ago i was so happy and thinking about how i’n in love with life but i’m such a failure and i can’t do anything right

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