#and i think the weird pressure to like. not acknowledge they're different in any meaningful ways is. bad actually.

[aeide-thea]

i've been trying 2 think how 2 phrase this post bc like. audioboooks are great both for people who can only take in books that way AND for people in situations where they need their eyes and/or hands for something else, and i absolutely don't want to knock them (not to mention that like. a really compelling audiobook reader brings their own charisma and tonal palette to the project and elevates it)

but also i've been listening to lotr in one (1) ear as i bike (bc like. i do think it's an important safety consideration to have one ear available to alert me to passing traffic etc) and like. frodo and sam and pippin JUST made it to buckland. this is literally hours of bicycling time we're talking about at this point. if i'd been gulping down the text with my eyeballs i could have finished the book if not the whole trilogy by now!

#like genuinely no shade to audiobooks‚ they are providing me with Book in situations where No Book Ever Booked Before #but you really are stuck with the narrator's pace in a way that's like. by comparison with eyeball reading this is water torture #anyway you really do i think just have to embrace that it is in fact a slightly different art form. and like. that's great! i love that! #but like. idk. literally i saw a post recently that was like. about Writing 4 Audio Performance #and it made what i thought were very correct points abt like. the order in which it's good to lay things out for hearers #but it's like. literally this is simplifying writing. like the kind of writing that i do and love is honestly quite hard to keep in yr head #bc it really requires you to stack a lot of complexity and like. keep it unresolved for a hot sec and then sew it together at the end #and like. that's terrible in an out-loud context! #so like. idk. i think text is great and i think audiobooks are great #and i think the weird pressure to like. not acknowledge they're different in any meaningful ways is. bad actually. #anyway this has kind of snowballed into more of a Position Post than i'd meant to be making #i just think it's funny that the hobbits have made. so fucking little progress. snail baggins = snaggins. #bookblogging #journaling

[hiriajuu-suffering]

Charlotte

can't say I didn't risk everything at once, at least they're walking away and I left nothing unsaid...this time. even if it was only a little bit of a person, any level of unrequitement still hurts as much as it ever would under more typical circumstances. you put so much thought and deliberation into understanding a person, only for them to be afraid of embracing it. when I get invested into a person, I do it with intention of trying to nudge them to being the best version of themselves, what happens when they're unwilling to become so?

Well, the last decade of my love life. I've been so used to being treated as an afterthought: the latest separation, the latest heartbreak, doesn't even feel fresh anymore. it's like I'm polyamorous to feel more heartbreak, not to form any more meaningful relationships for myself. I was hoping against all hope she might be different; for once, they would let her be different but that's never how it ends up when I'm on the receiving end.

How disciplined was I keeping her at arm's length, giving her their own space and even bed instead of putting myself first sooner? I don't even think I had in the moment. I admitted just how much I was feeling the past few months. I didn't want to acknowledge it. I didn't want to admit I'd been affected in any way, that the experience went straight through me. But when I knew I was something no one else could be, I let my vanity let me take pride in my position. I started building towards exploiting a privilege to say something I never should've. She didn't make me catch feelings: I chose to care for her. I chose to let myself embellish in the mess she is. I made the choice to put myself out there and be vulnerable last week. Her response? other shit's far more important than me, no matter how much I had done in lieu of all of it.

I didn't deserve a crumb. I'm too old now. I'm too stalwart. I'm too brazen. I'm too weird. I'm too difficult to understand. I try too much. I understand too much. I'm too forgiving. I don't know how to let others push themselves away. Maybe no one deserves to let themselves fall to some ugly fool like me.

want the best for them, knowing it's not going to happen. wish to keep some of the friends I made along the way, aware they're all at risk. my nature is to be a savior, at least at the start. then I gotta let someone give me enough to get the slightest taste of salvation, the smallest spec of happiness.

I never wanted to put any pressure on her. I couldn't no matter how much I tried to will myself to. All I wanted was her hand to hold and their affection to come through. Instead, I'm frozen out because I am a path not yet known. I represent a fear of something so different, it paralyzes anyone I love. I hate myself since this is how it always goes.

To a fun BSF. To a tranquil ACen. To a less-than-empty A-Kon. To some optimized decompression following the close of the spring con season. To finding someone who won't abandon me at the first sign being together might be tough. To taking a partner that isn't ashamed of my existence and thereby their feelings for me. At this point, I doubt that was ever going to be Charlotte [as much I wanted her to be].

What a great Eidi from her btw. Eid Mubarak to me, I guess.

#personal #anixyuu #BPD #bpd yandere #dissociadid #dissociative identity disorder #Spotify