#and like im just making excuses to let my anxiety win when ik i can cope with it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nights-pdf · 4 years

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a/n: this is my first time writing something and feeling good enough to post it. id appreciate any and all constructive criticism. ik im not the best writer and i want to get better so pls share and help me out. ty. i hope you enjoy.

warnings: depression & anxiety are both mentioned. i dont think i went too far into detail but pls be aware for your mental health. also kinda angsty.

roses: a.i.

Ashton and I have never been one for secrets, or at least I didn’t think we were, but things have been different. He has been ignoring me for almost three weeks now, only talking to me when I show up at his house, demanding to at least see him. To see that physically he’s okay. Mike and Luke will only talk to me if I don’t bring him up. As soon as I mention Ashton they suddenly ‘have to go’ and hurry to hang up. Cal will continue to talk to me but he totally ignores whatever questions I ask about him.

I was on Instagram and I saw Ashton on Luke’s story, the first time I’ve seen him in a week and a half. That’s how I ended up on Luke’s porch, working up the courage to ring the damn bell. He hasn’t left you with any options. He’s ignoring you, your other friends aren’t hanging out with you, he brought this on himself.

I press the doorbell, listening to the soft chime echoing in the house and I hear fast approaching footsteps. “Coming!” A voice calls out and within seconds the door is pulled open and I catch Sierra’s bright smile.

“Dee, I- hi.” She says, her smile faulting and my heart breaks. I was hoping she wasn’t here. I was praying that she didn’t listen to me cry about my fear of losing Ashton and then play board games with him the next day. But she was.

“This was stupid.” I mumble quickly, fighting off the tears that are threatening to spill and Sierra reaches out for my hand.

“No, no, it’s not stupid.” She consoles and I shake my head, yanking my hand out of reach.

“I’ll leave you guys to yourselves. Just, um, just tell him that I’m sorry— for whatever I did.” I tell her with a tight smile.

“Si! What are you doing, it’s your turn?!” Ashton shouts from deeper in the house.

“Give me a minute!” She says quickly, stepping out onto the porch with me and closing the door. “I’m so sorry, I wish I could’ve explained it all to you, but it wasn’t my place. I tried literally parent trapping you and Ashton but he always canceled and I— it’s no excuse, but I’m sorry.” She says, her brown eyes softening and I shake my head.

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault. I just—“ I take a deep breath, calming my anxiety while I make an arguably regrettable decision that’ll change my life in mere seconds. “I’m not gonna be in LA much longer and I thought it was insensitive to just drop that in the group chat or something.” I tell her and her eyes widen.

“What? You’re— you’re leaving?” She asks and I nod. “What about the boys? The band— I mean you’ve been a crew member forever.” She adds and I shake my head.

“It’s hard working with a band that won’t talk to you, Si.” I tell her softly and the front door opens. Si and I both turn to see all four boys stuffed in the doorway.

“Dee.” Luke says, clearing his throat and elbowing Calum, who’s beside him, in the stomach.

“Hey, Dee.” Cal says and I smile softly.

“Hey, I was— I was just leaving.” I tell them, turning around and someone catches my wrist. I turn to face Sierra and she drops my hand.

“You tell them.” She says and I shake my head.

“Tell us what?” Michael ask and she quirks an eyebrow.

“I’m taking my friends offer to go on tour with her.” I tell them, turning to face the boys and my eyes catch Ashton’s. “She’s based in New York City, so I’m moving out there.” I add and Luke is the first to speak.

“You’re leaving? When?” He asks and I shrug.

“Probably by the end of the month.” I tell him and Ashton shakes his head.

“You’re just gonna leave? Forget the past what— six years?” He asks and I shake my head.

“You have no right to be mad at me. You haven’t spoken to me in almost three weeks. I only know you’re okay because I see you in their stories. You want to walk away? Fine, but don’t be mad because I’m walking away too.” I tell him, brushing away the tears and he shakes his head.

“You think I don’t miss you?” He asks softly and I shake my head.

“Then why did you leave?! You said you’d never leave! You’d never do what they did to me! You said you’d never hurt me and I fucking believed you!” I let the tears stream down my face, not caring about anything anymore.

“Please, I’m sorry.” He says, his eyes softening at the sight of my tears and he steps closer.

“No,” I step back, “No, you lost that. You lost the right to be mad at me, or to console me, you all have. You could’ve been fucking honest and you all chose to lie to me and ignore me.”

“Dee, come on, we’ve all made mistakes—”

“You don’t accidentally lie to your friend for weeks. You accidentally spill milk, or touch a hot pan, you don’t— you chose to lie to me, you chose to push me away. That’s not a mistake.” I cut Cal off and I shake my head.

“I’m gonna go. I’m sorry for ruining your game night.” I tell them, turning around and walking down the porch stairs, I walk over to my car, everything silent except for the heel of my boots hitting the cement. I reach my car, unlocking it and slipping it. My gaze travels to the porch, looking at the people I had grown to love like family and my eyes stop on Ashton. Luke’s arm is around his shoulder, clearly saying something to him and Ashton’s eyes meet mine. My heart breaks at his expression, the truth setting in that I had hurt him the same way he hurt me.

The thought makes my stomach turn but I don’t have the strength to step out of my car. Instead I open spotify and start playing anything to fill the void. I pull out of the driveway, turning up the volume and trying to silence the deafening thoughts running through my mind.

I’ve been packing for two weeks, and fielding calls from the boys and their management. Well all the boys except one. The one I really want to hear from. The one that would say “stay,” and I would drop everything for.

Maybe it’s good that I’m leaving. I mean, falling in love with your best friend is a bad idea already and although I wasn’t sure of it before I am now. I loved Ashton, in the most inconvenient way possible, so maybe this space will be good for me.

Or at least that’s what I try to convince myself when I feel empty. When the anxiety and depression wins and I wake up in the middle of the night on the floor— typically the bathroom floor— with an empty stomach and pounding headache.

Then I remember Ashton always being there. Picking me up, taking care of me, loving me in the way I never thought I deserved and the thoughts send me spiraling and walking up on the floor again.

I finish applying my lipstick, biting back the tears that I know will inevitably be shed by the end of the night, and step away from the mirror. I grab my clutch, checking for my phone, keys and wallet before strapping on my shoes and heading downstairs.

Everyone had insisted that we had one last night out, a final goodbye and send off before I leave tomorrow morning and I had agreed. I walk out to my car and quickly start the ride to the restaurant. I focus on the music, never giving myself enough time to get lost in my thoughts and I get to the restaurant faster than expected.

I step out of my car and spot Calum almost immediately. He’s turned around, preoccupied with something and I run up behind him, placing my hands over his eyes and he laughs softly.

“You’re a child.” He mumbles, spinning around to face me and I drop my arms.

“You love me.” I tell him with a smile and he opens his arms for a hug. I step into his embrace, squeezing him tightly and he does the same.

“You look beautiful.” He says, stepping back and I smile softly.

“Thank you.” I tuck my hair behind my ear, the curls already getting in my way and he smiles sadly. “You wanted to talk before dinner?” I prompt and he nods.

“Yeah, I have a gift for you and a few things to say.” He says with a smile. “First, I wanted to apologize. I never should’ve lied to you and I shouldn’t have let Ashton. I was so blinded by the thought of protecting my brother that I didn’t think to protect my best friend.” He says and I shake my head.

“It’s okay, I get it, and I don’t blame any of you guys. I seriously don’t.”

“With that being said, I also wanted to congratulate you. I wish you didn’t have to leave but I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself and doing what felt right to you, no matter what. You deserve the world, Dee, but you have to take it.” He says with a soft smile and I wipe at the single tear that’s escaped.

“This is from us— all of us— to you. No matter what happens, what you do, we’ll always be cheering you on and we will always love you.” He says, pulling a velvet box out of his pocket and handing it to me. I carefully take it, giving him my clutch to hold and opening the box to see a delicate, silver necklace, a beautiful rose hanging off it and I smile warmly. It’s almost an exact replica of Ashton’s tattoo and I don’t know if they did it on purpose, but I want to believe they did.

I can see Ashton pointing out the necklace with a smile, fully knowing how similar it is to his tattoo and the rest of the group agreeing, simply because of my love of roses. I brush away the invisible tears at the thought, choosing that no matter what the story actually is, that’s what it’ll mean to me.

“Cal,” I whisper softly, looking up to meet his eyes and he smiles despite the tears filling his eyes.

“You like it?” He asks and I nod.

“I love it.”

“Here, let me put it on you.” He suggests and I nod. We trade off once again and I spin around, pulling my hair up with one hand and he slips it around my neck. “Done.” He whispers when he clasps it and I let my hair fall. I spin back around with a bright smile and he nods.

“Thank you.” I tell him, toying with the small rose and he nods.

“It was a group thing but everyone agreed that they’d cry like babies so it was decided that I’d give it to you.” He says with a smile and I giggle. “Ready to head in?” He asks, opening his hand for me to take and I nod slowly.

“I just— is he in there?” I ask him, unsure of what answer I’m hoping for and he slowly shakes his head.

“Luke, Mike and I all tried to get him to come but he wouldn’t.” He says and I nod slowly. I place my hand in his, giving him a tight squeeze before nodding again, this time with more confidence.

“Let’s go.” I tell him and he nods. We both walk into the restaurant, being led straight to our table after Calum gave the hostess his name.

“Dee! You look so good!” Sierra says as soon as she sees me and I embrace her in a tight hug.

“Thank you.” I whisper, holding her tight and she does the same. After we separate, I go around the table, hugging everyone and finally I sit down. There’s an empty seat at the end of the table— the seat that had been saved for Ashton— and the sight breaks my heart. Every time Michael or Crystal address me I have to fight my hardest to not look at the seat and break out into tears.

Despite the nagging reminder that Ashton isn’t there, dinner is amazing and after bidding my goodbyes, I step outside and feel a few drops of rain. I step back, underneath the overhang provided by the restaurant and Calum appears next to me. With almost impeccable timing a crack of thunder is heard and it starts pouring.

“How many times is this gonna happen to us?” Calum asks, shrugging off his jacket and lifting it over our heads.

“I’m starting to think this is just gonna be Our Thing™.” I joke and he laughs loudly.

“Ready?” He asks and I shake my head.

“Let me take off my heels.” I tell him and he nods. He offers his arm as stability and I start working my heels off.

“Good idea.” He mumbles. I eventually get both heels off and with my clutch and heels in hand and Calum’s jacket over us we run off into the rain. “Are you gonna get home safe?” Calum asks as we reach my car.

“I’ll be okay.” I tell him and he nods.

“Text me.” He mumbles quickly as I open my door. He presses a quick kiss to my cheek before running off and I get into my car. I start the ride to my house, driving slower this time because of the rain and finally, in the peace of my own car, I let go and feel the tears falling.

I couldn’t tell you if I’m crying because I’m leaving or Ashton not showing up. Or maybe it’s because the talk Calum and I had before dinner. Or the fact that I always run when things get difficult. I don’t know what it is, but once the tears start they don’t stop and when I stop in front of my house I don’t bother pulling into the driveway. Instead I keep driving, finding myself heading towards the hills and I calm down at the prospect of fixing everything.

I just have to be honest. Honest about everything and maybe, even if things aren’t the same, they’ll be better. I just have to tell him the truth. I just have to tell him that I love him.

I run out of my car as soon as it’s in park, sprinting up the unnecessary long path to his front door and I ring the doorbell, feeling a surge of confidence, anxiety and impatience all at once. I fold my arms over my chest, trying my best to warm up but it’s nearly impossible when my dress and hair are absolutely soaked. I try the doorbell again, the confidence waning and anxiety and impatience doubling.

“C’mon, Irwin. Please.” I mumble under my breath, reaching into my clutch to grab my phone and I quickly dial his number. Unshockingly it goes right to voicemail and I groan loudly. “Irwin, stop being a dick, it’s pouring and I’m freezing.” I mumble, stuffing my phone back in my clutch and ringing the doorbell again. And again, and again, until he finally pulls the door open.

“I told you I’m not fuckin—” The words die on his tongue when his eyes land on mine.

“Dee? What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be at dinner?” He asks, snapping out of his thoughts and I take in the details of his face. The bags under his eyes are more prominent then they’ve probably ever been and my heart breaks at the thought. His eyes look a bit darker, like they always did when he was upset and I shake my head, pulling myself out of those thoughts.

“I, um, I needed to talk to you.” I tell him and he quirks an eyebrow.

“You didn’t get it all out before?” He bites and I shake my head.

“I’m here to apologize, okay? I’m sorry for whatever I did, I’m sorry for whatever made you hate me and if I could I would go back and fix it all but I can’t. All I can do is apologize and pray to whoever will listen that you won’t hate me for the rest of your life.

“I’m sorry if I pushed you too hard or asked for too much from you. I’m sorry that I was selfish because I was. I took and took and took from you because it was easy, because you made me feel loved and I never felt that before. I’m sorry if I loved too hard or I made things difficult. I’m sorry for every possible thing I did that would have pushed you away.

“But I’m not sorry for loving you. I’m not sorry for giving you everything I could. I wish things could’ve ended differently but I’m not sorry for falling in love with you. I won’t ever apologize for that, Ashton, because I did, I loved you in the most unconventional way possible and I loved every second of it too.” I tell him, not caring about the tears that escaped and I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders.

“That’s all I had to say: I’m sorry, and I love you.” I tell him finally happy after weeks of feeling miserable. Happy because I spoke my truth and no matter what happens next, I know I tried and that’ll have to be enough. I spin on the heels of my feet, walking away from his door and almost halfway to my car I feel a tug on my hand. Ashton spins me around, his hands coming up to my cheeks and his lips are on mine.

Once the shock wears off, my hands cup his cheeks, pulling him impossibly closer as I kiss him back. His tongue runs over my sealed lips and I don’t hesitate to let him in. My hands slip into his hair, tangling into the rain-soaked knots and he slowly pulls away. “Come inside,” He breathes into the air between us and I nod.

“Okay.” I whisper and he smiles softly.

“I love you too, darling. I always have.” He whispers and I press my lips to his once more.

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