#and manage my diet (cause i have gastroparesis so if im not careful i Cant eat)

[mejomonster]

U know how sometimes you feel a bit (and that bit can vary wildly) sad about how many flaws you have (which is normal and human) and how much growing you can do (which is a good goal but perhaps self destructive once you're putting off A Certain Amount of life until you've done "more work" with that goal post of "more work" always moving farther even though at a certain point you should probably accept that every person is somewhat flawed and always needs to grow more and it's okay to Actively Live one's life and enjoy it DURING that endless process of growing)

Well I certainly feel that way again. I feel like all I should do in my free time for the next 3 months (rather than play or create or self care) is do workbooks for healing and growing. And that I shouldn't bother with my life goals again until I've completed the workbooks At Minimum. (And my instincts are saying ummm that plan sounds like a touch workaholic and avoiding actually living life and isolating)

#rant #i just. i decided i want a loving relationship. its been many years. id like to date again #so i. as usual when i have a problem. looked up HOW #well i read 1 book about physical and thought process changes i can make. and it suggested date within 3 weeks. among other tjings #and so i looked up INTERNAL work to find love. because perhaps if i can fix whatever INTERNALLY draws me to only run into unavailable people #will allow me to start running into AVAILABLE options instead. so i need to complete this 300 page therapy workbook. #and theres no point doing the date within 3 weeks if im only able to ask out unavailable people currently. #so ill do the date in 3 weeks AFTER i complete the workbook. #the workbook is exhaustjng and makes me cry but hey maybe itll help. anyway i wish someone had given it to me 5 years ago #but anyway to hqve time to do with workbook ASAP i dont have time for shows #and i rarely have time for Play anyway. something i hear i need. #because i got chronic illnesss wooh and a lot of my free time i need to go to doctors and physical therapy #and manage my diet (cause i have gastroparesis so if im not careful i Cant eat) #and also i need more muscle so my back stops fucking up. #and also i need time to meditate so my pelvic floor relaxes at least a little to lower the gi issues and pain. #so like. #and then also im sure friends would like to see me more. #meanwhile all i really wanna do? is go to a #cabin by the beach in rhe woods and sleep 2 days then eat cake then read and write my fucking novels