#and ofc I’ve been made to doubt my perception of reality so it’s so difficult to trust and validate myself

[void-tiger]

…realizing that aesthetics actually matter a lot to me as both a matter of personal expression (read: a bit of independence) and External Dopamine because Variety (a bit Visual, sure, but I’m honestly not a “Visual Person TM.” It’s just not how I, say, learn. And as a more immediate thing I’m far more Aware of textures and definitely sounds.)

…is a bit overwhelming. In that I do find my hackles raising a bit when someone else tries butting in with what I can/can’t have when money isn’t a factor; while also feeling Incredibly shallow and vain because I do like “pretty things” and have sensitivity to if a composition isn’t just functional but also Interesting and Inviting (and that nasty socialization of “that’s for Kids or (Nerdy)Men.”)

(Also ofc there’s money involved. When isn’t there any.)

#tiger’s musings #adulting crap #…so my therapist told me to make my room Prettier For Me #I’m still not sure how well she fits. I still feel like I’m being patronized at times over my pain and Which Neurodivergency #and the program’s worksheets are worded HORRIBLE for me. legit the same microaggressions I grew up with #that all boil down to ‘aLL tIGERs fAULT~’ #and I HATE it that I have so many wounds regarding language #and ofc I’ve been made to doubt my perception of reality so it’s so difficult to trust and validate myself #…so it makes our relationship that much trickier #…BUT? making my room more visually appealing and physically comfortable? good advice honestly #and it’s something I’ve been wanting to do but hadn’t because ‘we’re not changing the wall color Tiger!!’ when we moved in #and well. financial (and physical health) guilt about Wanting Something (and wants can be ignored) #anyway. it takes me convincing myself of Practical Shit before I can start to let myself do Wants #liiiiiike…blackout curtains would also dampen my bird’s noise a bit + the neighbors #and keep me from waking up from moonlight and various security lights #also also making the windows leak less heat since they’re OG 60s (esp with Merlin) #…AND they’d make my room feel more Colorful Complimentary and Soft&Inviting #(but notice where I still have to stack that to justify the expense of three sets of double curtains)