#and the failure to recognize that ultimately fails people because they cant recognize abuse in their relationships with others | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

strawberry-siren · 6 years

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every FREAKING day i make a day about how i’m freaking out, but i’m going to live or whatever. like i chose not to kill myself. but there really is no point. like there’s not. even if i go to a mental hospital, they really suck and they abuse patients, act like patients are infantile, like they’re not human. I don’t even have insurance, so the sheer price of that would mess up any chance i would ever have of making money or even just like…living–even if i wanted to. i dont even think treatment would be helpful. i dont think drugs would really help either.

i’ve tried weed before, and that’s the drug that everyone is always like “omg man weed totally takes away my anxiety.” no. weed literally did nothing to my sad and anxious thoughts. all it did was make me act completely spacey and waste time. i’ve heard from my friends that anti-depressants just make them feel empty. like just honestly whats the point of living and feeling empty? i did that for like a year to cope. i would just repress any emotion. i guess i lived another year. but it’s also like whats even the point. you’re not happy. you’re not anything. what’s the point of living like a zombie? like talk therapy wouldnt help because i’m not going to change….. i’ve had so many different therapists and it just really doesn’t do much…

i should just go to church and follow their stupid rules because my family does and at least they would stop being mad at me and they could feel like they’re saving me even if church has no purpose. church honestly just makes me feel a million times worse and it is boring and kind of a waste of time for me. but, then they could be those people who talk about their reformed lesbian sister and how she found god and got her life together and is happy ! :-) i love sex and my sexuality, but it’s true that i’ve never even been in a real relationship. it’s not like relationships can save you…

here’s another thing: ultimately everything is a two way road. people are not obligated to put up with me. i am draining. i am exhausting. i am boring. therefore i attempt to impose myself on people the least amount i can. but also i have poor impulse control, so i attempt to make friends despite this innate desire to minimize myself. it sucks though because relationships will never be permanent. there will never be a relationship that spans your lifetime. friends will leave. it’s just a fact of life.

society itself doesn’t lend itself well to me. i grew up in an abrasive (and abusive) environment. i didn’t learn how to keep things to myself–or rather i recognized that you are supposed to keep all to yourself, and i fail at it. i burden people with my feelings far too often. like in some classes i might seem like the student who doesnt care, or in others, i am the student that makes too many comments or tries to talk about things they dont really grasp. I’m really just trying my best. but i know im stupid. im saying too many things. im saying wrong things. since i’m failing two of my classes, i just stopped going to them. so i go to art history, i feel stupid, i go home and cry. then on tuesdays and thursdays i go to theater and i try my best, but i feel untalented. i go home and i cry.

because i’m just full of self-pity. no one wants a victim. i act haughty, i am narcissistic. but i am full of the exact opposite as well. i am one who is constantly at war with myself. i realize this is not a rare phenomenon though.

like how can you want to live in a society where you’re wrong. In conservative circles, I’m wrong because of my desire and action upon my lesbianism. In liberal circles, I’m wrong because lesbian is a label that’s restrictive. Why aren’t you just Q****? let us call you q****. Don’t doubt that you can one day be attracted to men!

Artists are nothing. A dime a dozen. My art is meaningless. It’s all been done. Everyone wants something revolutionary.

everything is dominated by men. my eyes are so open. from the smallest way we do things. how women give birth. names babies have. EVERYTHING was made by men. my chair. modern architecture. why i wear makeup. what my makeup is made out of. it’s all men. and i really do love individual men. i feel like a lot of men don’t realize things. but like it cant be ignored. it is a fact of life. until we completely remake our society, it exists to be hostile to me. and why should society conform to me…one person.

im a sex object. im sexually repulsive. im fat. ugly. im beautiful. im cute. im the center of the universe. i’m purity– was virginity. im “dirty” now. a crumpled dollar bill. i am sex. im lust. im whatever label i prescribe to. im whatever label others project onto me. im all– i’m nothing.

everything is utterly, utterly meaningless. words are words, meanings are meanings. “how nihilistic. how pessimistic” one may say. i suppose it’s true. nihilism can give a meaning to life. an inspiration to just let the forces of the world happen to you until you die. but it’s also i’m constantly feeling the weight of the world on me. the world that ultimately ignores me.

“this is why you need god.”a god is a comforting notion to those faced with the uncertainty of death. i feel a god would not be so cruel. this notion of cruelty. why should a god care about humans. it’s the same hierarchical structure men have put me in– no thank you. not that i completely blame men. women could have done things. but men and women alike are selfish. why should straight women truly care about lesbians–they dont. no one truly cares. they do what makes them seem progressive. they perform. the worlds a stage and all that. we entertain ourselves, but for those who cannot find entertainment or arent forced to just spend their time working– those who must be confronted with their very existence, thoughts, ideas, ect. well no one cares. it’s all ultimately self-serving.

everything you think. everything you do. it’s all for yourself. you may say “oh i do service for others!” well in the context of a church think about this. you do it because it will grant you favor with your god. it will give you the satisfaction that you are in a position above someone that you’re taking your time to “serve” them. Are you really doing this out of selflessness?

There are

“Dont help panhandlers signs in utah. People ive talked to about this have been like “well there’s so much welfare available, there’s really no need to give them money because they’re just going to spend it on drugs.” as if drugs aren’t a cycle. as if being poor–being homeless is your own failure. not the failure of a society that lets people die. that lets people believe all the money you have– you’ve earned. I got money from my dad’s IRA when he died. Did I earn this? Because he worked until he died at 59, two and a half years ago. If it was my wage for how he raised me, the emotional labor I gave him, it was not enough money. If it’s just money because he worked his entire life, I didn’t earn that. Parents no longer even really hold up the “nuclear family” myth. I dont deserve this money. I deserve nothing. No one owes me anything. It would just be better to die than to continue taking up space and time of others. I am utterly unhelpful to society in general, personally, and as a whole. I will not contribute children. I will not bring joy to others. My art will achieve nothing.

I am a commodity, an object. A Worker. Within my church, I was supposed to find a man to love and serve. To bear his children. To preach of God. In this regard, I am also useless. There is truly no point of my existence, and the world would truly be better without me.

#i just circle the same issues i have been circling for years. no point of even reading this. mostly this post is for myself/those after me #theres like an essay under the readmore #text

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