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#and then anytime i was like ‘hey could i maybe get some validate that y’all don’t hate me?’ everyone would be like
yay-depression · 2 years
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the repressed neurodivergent experience of thinking “no one will ever love me with all of my neurodivergency the way i love them with their neurotypical-ness.”
#me my whole life: got made fun of for exhibiting ND traits among other stuff#me in middle school: well if i simply pretend i am neurotypical people will stop disliking me for being ND#spoiler alert: i was not very good at faking neurotypical-ness#me now: very very good at faking being neurotypical to the point that i am perceived as having very few distinguishable traits#my family my entire life: you are weird (aka neurodivergent) stop being weird#my family my entire life: if i simply do the thing that my child hates maybe they will grow out of hating it#another spoiler alert: no the FUCK i did not#tldr my entire life i’ve essentially suppressed most of myself to make the people i love comfortable bc that’s what they wanted from me#and in response they routinely ignore some of my most important boundaries and still try to act like they’re helping me#my therapist keeps telling me that one day i’ll get a family even if it’s found family#because sometimes found family is the best kind of family#but no one i’ve met is willing to actually put up with who i am as a person and not abandon me#every non-familial person in my life anytime i’ve shared deeply personal things with them: nope no thank you goodbye#and the deeply personal things were always just like ‘i’m actually pretty insecure in friendships and i feel deeply lonely’#it wasn’t even traumadumping bc they always seemed fine with that!! bonding over shared trauma was like a group activity#and then anytime i was like ‘hey could i maybe get some validate that y’all don’t hate me?’ everyone would be like#no. why would you need that we never said we hated you stop being over dramatic#my dad pulled that last one all the time!! except he added the ‘how could you even think i hate you when i’ve been nothing but good to you!’#come to think of it my friends did a lot of that too actually#anyways i have a core belief that i’m actually just unloveable and people just tolerate me and it’s been confirmed repeatedly
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brianandthemays · 5 years
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Love is a Polaroid (Roger Taylor x reader) Part 12
A/N Hey guys! I’m officially back! I hope y’all can start to feel a little more comfortable talking to me about whatever and I can’t wait to finish up this fic!
Shout out to @sweet-ladyy for validating me and pretending to like my writing. I love you girlie and I love talking to you. HER STUFF IS AMAZING! I’m loving Matters of the Heart sooooo much! She’s absolutely amazing and thi sfic wouldn’t be what it is without her. 
PLEASE REBLOG, COMMENT, SEND AN ASK, PLSSSSSSS It means the world to me
Warnings: Fluff, a little bit of angst, not much else I dont think
Word Count: 2.5K
Masterlist Here
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The next morning, you woke to soft kisses along your shoulder, causing you to shudder as you remembered the night before. You groaned and pushed your face into the pillow. He chuckled from behind you, running his fingers down your arm, slinging his hand over your hip. There was a dull ache between your legs, making you smile softly, leaning back into the body behind you. 
               “Wake up, love,” he murmured softly in your ear, pressing his lips to your forehead . 
               “It’s too early,” you whined, pouting your lips dramatically. He laughed softly, crawling over you to get out of the bed. “No! Don’t leave!” 
               “Love, it’s almost noon.” He opened the blinds, letting the bright morning light fade into the room. You frowned and pulled the blanket over your head. He came and plopped down on the bed next to you. “You know… if you don’t get up soon, I’m going to have to take matters into my own hands.”
You peeked over the top of the blanket, daring him with your eyes. He raised his eyebrows at you and sighed in mock resignation. “Fine, you asked for it.” 
He threw the blanket off the bed and scooped you up in his arms, throwing you over his shoulder. You yelped and smacked his back. 
              “Roger, I swear to god, put me down,” you demanded,  trying desperately to right yourself.  
              “Never!” He spun you around quickly, laughing loudly.
 You clutched tightly onto his sleep shirt. You looked up at the doorway and tapped him quickly. “Oh hello Mrs. Taylor.” 
Roger froze and set you down quickly, whirling around to see an empty doorway. He slouched, turning back around slowly, narrowing his eyes at you. 
               “You tricked me,” he pouted, poking your chest. 
               “Maybe,” you shrugged with a smirk. “But it worked didn’t it?” 
               “Mm, I guess it did.” He leaned in to kiss you but you slipped out from under him and made your way to the door. He whined and watching you helplessly. 
               “C’mon, slow poke, let’s get down stairs.” You wiggled your eyes at him. He rolled his eyes at you and dragged himself over to you, wrapping his arm around your waist. 
               “Oh, now you’re in a hurry,” He grumbled, pulling you downstairs. 
The rest of the week went by much too quickly, for your liking. You spent the majority of the time wondering how you had ever gotten by without Roger’s witty comments, or the way he always made you blush when in public. You couldn’t remember the last time you were so happy. You managed to push all the fears and insecurities you had deep into the back of your mind. For this one amazing week, you had the perfect relationship. 
The reality of your relationship came crashing down on you the morning of the day you were departing. You woke up alone in bed. Rolling over, you reached out to where Roger should be and found it empty. You frowned and sat up, looking around the room. You were then alerted of voices downstairs. You figured that Roger must have just gotten up early to talk to his parents and got up to join them. You stretched your arms up, digging around in Roger’s suitcase for a shirt to slip on. Once you shoved your pants back on, you started downstairs. You made it about halfway down the stairs when you realized the conversation going on was not friendly. 
               “Dad, I’m getting my degree, I’m not going for my doctorate.” 
That was Roger’s voice. Roger was going to be done with school this year, you knew that, but you always assumed he was going to be continuing his schooling. Instead of continuing down the stairs, you sat, listening in on their conversation. 
               “Roger, I did not pay for you to throw away your education for some stupid band.”
You winced, knowing full well that Roger’s band was more to him than that. He wasn’t kidding when he said his parents were harsh.
               “This band is important to me, Dad! It’s going places! This new singer we have, he’s really good! He’s gonna help us--” 
               “Roger, I don’t care about your band, you have something now. A girl. A girl you haven’t managed to chase off or cheat on. You could have a family, kids. It’s time you settled down.” 
               “I don’t want any of that, dad!” 
You couldn’t help the pain that shot through your heart. You hadn’t thought about the future in depth, but recently, you couldn’t see it without him. Marriage and kids were so far in the future you hadn’t even begun to consider them. But he had just… dismissed it so quickly. But you also knew how important his band was to him, and everything it meant to him. You couldn’t take that from him… could you? 
               “I’m graduating in two months, and I’m not going back to school. And that’s it.” 
You heard footsteps heading in your direction and panicked. You couldn’t let him know you were listening to his conversation. So, you shot up and scampered back into the room, throwing your suitcase onto the bed, making it look like you were packing. You heard the door open behind you, alerting you to Roger’s presence. You turned over your shoulder, smiling at him. 
               “Good morning, love,” he greeted, walking over to you. “Sorry I wasn’t here when you woke up. Had to… talk to my dad about something.” You turned and pressed a kiss to his lips, trying to wash away all his stress. He hummed in surprise but didn’t pull away. “That was nice. What’s it for?” 
               “Just because…” You placed your hand on his cheek. “I love you.” 
He smirked at you, pressing another kiss to your lips. “Well, I love you, too.” He turned away from you, and smacked your ass playfully. “Finish packing, we’re leaving in an hour.” 
You yelped and glared at him, throwing another shirt in the bag. But as he walked away, you felt the guilt returning. He didn’t want a future, with kids and a family. And you didn’t know if you wanted that either yet but what did know was that he was leaving this year. Focusing on his band. You barely saw him now, how would this relationship work when you saw him even less. You didn’t want to be the thing holding him back from his dream. 
By the end of the hour, you were packed and ready to go. You didn’t want to leave the house. That meant you had to go home and go back to school and not be able to wake up next to Roger. Now it felt like your relationship had an expiration date, and every day that went by meant another day closer to it’s doom. 
               “You ready, love?” he asked, standing in the doorway. 
You nodded, taking one more look around the room. “Yeah, let’s go home.” 
He took your bag from your hand and started downstairs. You rolled your eyes but followed him down the stairs where his mother and father were waiting. His father was sitting in his seat, not looking to stand. 
               “Here you go.” His mother handed you a basket. “Some sandwiches and biscuits for the road.” 
You smiled and took the basket from her. “Thank you so much Mrs. Taylor, for everything.”   
She nodded, and pulled you into another hug. “You’re welcome here anytime.” 
Roger scoffed from behind you, but you chose to ignore him. You looked over at Mr. Taylor and swallowed heavily. 
               “It was a pleasure to meet you, Micheal.”
He didn’t answer, simply nodding his head curtly at you. You back away, looking back at Roger, biting your lip softly. 
               “Yeah, well… I’ll see you all around,” Roger said, looking mainly at his father who still refused to look at him. 
               “I love you, Roger,” His mother told him, staring sadly at him. 
               “I love you, too, mum.” He kissed her cheek, gripping the suitcases in his hands tightly. With that, he turned and walked out the front door. You stood there for a moment, looking between his mother and his father, wondering if you should say something. As if she could read you mind, his mother shook her head sadly.
               “Thank you, sweetheart. It’s okay to leave.” She told you softly. You nodded, thanking her again before walking out the door yourself. Roger was leaning against the door of the car, cigarette in his mouth as he waited for you. 
               “ ‘S beginning to wonder if you got lost.” He smirked at you, throwing the cigarette to the ground and stomping it out.  
               “Oh, hush.” You smacked his arm, getting him to move out from in front of the door. “Let’s get out of here.”
               “Hey!” he exclaimed, turning towards you quickly. 
               “What?” Your eyebrows furrowed together, looking at him. 
He leaned forward and smacked a loud, sloppy kiss onto your lips. You gagged, wiping your lips in disgust.
               “You are disgusting,” you told him as he walked around to the driver side of the car. 
               “You wound me, dear.” He held a hand over his heart. You laughed, rolling your eyes as you opened the door and got in the car. He reached over and grabbed your hand, holding it tightly for a second. “You know how much I love you, right?” 
You stared at him, eyes widening for a second. In a simple motion, you brought his hand to your lips. You watched him as you slowly pressed a kiss to the back of his palm. His shoulders relaxed slightly, his grip loosening.
Just like the way there, his hand didn’t leave yours the whole way home. Even when you fell asleep while looking out the window, his hand stayed there with you. The rumblings of the car and the soft music played you to sleep as the countryside flew by the car. 
And Roger, left to his own thoughts, felt an overwhelming amount of affection for you in that moment. An affection he’d never felt for anyone in his life. He knew you were special.  From the moment he met you… well… saw you sitting by yourself. But the impact you made on him was unfathomable to him. He never wanted to let you go.   
You made it back to campus sometime that afternoon. There was still a day or two before classes started so Roger had just driven to his flat. He reached over with his other hand and rubbed your cheek softly, carefully waking you up without startling you. You blinked your eyes open and sat up, looking over at Roger.
               “We’re back at my flat, love,” he murmured, pressing a soft kiss to your temple. “Let’s get inside, I think it’s gonna rain.” He glanced up at the sky which had darkened while you slept. You grumbled a response before stepping out of the car. 
As Roger predicted, a small trickle of rain started to fall on the two of you walked into the flat. You shrieked as the water started to hit your head, scurrying up to the covered area outside his door. Roger laughed at you, grabbing you by the waist as you ran past him. 
               “Roger, let me go!” you cried, trying to wiggle free. 
               “Embrace nature, love!” He swung you around as the rain started to pick up. You gasp as your hair fell in your face, you clothes starting to dampen against your skin. He set you down eventually, smiling wickedly at your now damp face. You turned around glaring playfully at him. 
               “Oh, you’re in for it now,” you warned, starting towards him. 
               “You gonna get me?” He slowly started backing up, a wild look in his eyes. 
               “Oh, yeah, I’m gonna get you.” 
You took off towards him, starting a chase around the yard. Roger slipped out of your grasp time and time again as you ran after him. Eventually, you tackled him into the grass, falling into a wet pile of laughter.  For a moment, you forgot about the rain and the time bomb on your relationship and it was just you and him in the rain. His hands were resting on your hips as you looked down at him, and his smile overwhelmed you. You reached down and pressed your lips against his. He reciprocated easily, moving on of his hands to the back of your neck.   
He chuckled against your lips, pulling back slightly. “As much as I’m loving this, maybe we should get inside before we catch something.” 
You sigh, feigning disappointment. “If we must.” 
You sat back, letting him stand and taking his hand to stand up. He wrapped his arms around you bending over you to protect you from the rain. As if you weren’t already soaked to the bone. He pushed you gently inside the house, closing the door behind you. 
               “I’ll grab us some towels, you want to start some tea?” he hums in your direction. 
               “Sounds good,” you replied, wrapping your arms around yourself to keep some semblance of warmth in your skin. 
You walked through his house to the kitchen. Now familiar with the surroundings, you were able to move easily around his kitchen to make the tea. You stared at the kettle, the same kettle that you had fought Roger over months ago. You smile fondly at it, thinking about the moment. The fear you had felt in that moment was now replaced with another. An anxiety that what you had was ending, and soon. When that thought returned to your mind you frowned again, wrapping your arms around yourself as a kind of protection. Just as you did that, you felt the fabric of a towel being placed on your shoulders. You grabbed onto the edges smiling as you turned to face Roger. 
               “Thanks, babe,” you spoke, leaning into his touch. 
               “Don’t want my honey to catch a cold,” he mused, pressing a kiss to your temple. 
You raised your eyebrows at him. “Your honey?” 
               “Yeah, trying out new nicknames, what do ‘ya think?” You shook your head and he shrugged. “Yeah I didn’t love it.” 
               “You are quite ridiculous,” you informed him, turning back to the kettle. 
He wrapped his arms around your waist and rested his head on your shoulder. He pressed his face into the side of your head, taking a long intake of breath.   
               “Did you change your shampoo?” he murmured quietly. 
               “Yeah, d’you like it?”  You pulled a strand of your hair across your nose. 
               “Yeah, I do.”  He smacked the side of your head with a kiss loudly before walking towards his pantry. “What’d’you want for dinner?” 
You shrugged, taking the screaming kettle off the flame. “Dunno, we can order take out.” 
You took the tea bags you’d set out and began to soak them in the steaming water. You continued the preparation of the teas as he ordered some chinese food from a restaurant down the street. Eventually you were curled up on the couch, leaning against Roger with a blanket on top of you, watching something on the telly with a full belly and empty tea mugs on the coffee table. You felt your eyes begin to droop as sleep overcame you, but as you were drifting off, you heard Roger’s voice murmuring quietly. 
               “Sleep well, love. I’ll be here when you wake up.” 
Then a pause as his arm tightened around you.   
              “I’ll always be here for you.”
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If y’all can get me to 100 notes I’ll post the next chapter!
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