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#every non-familial person in my life anytime i’ve shared deeply personal things with them: nope no thank you goodbye
yay-depression
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2 years
Text
the repressed neurodivergent experience of thinking “no one will ever love me with all of my neurodivergency the way i love them with their neurotypical-ness.”
#me my whole life: got made fun of for exhibiting ND traits among other stuff
#me in middle school: well if i simply pretend i am neurotypical people will stop disliking me for being ND
#spoiler alert: i was not very good at faking neurotypical-ness
#me now: very very good at faking being neurotypical to the point that i am perceived as having very few distinguishable traits
#my family my entire life: you are weird (aka neurodivergent) stop being weird
#my family my entire life: if i simply do the thing that my child hates maybe they will grow out of hating it
#another spoiler alert: no the FUCK i did not
#tldr my entire life i’ve essentially suppressed most of myself to make the people i love comfortable bc that’s what they wanted from me
#and in response they routinely ignore some of my most important boundaries and still try to act like they’re helping me
#my therapist keeps telling me that one day i’ll get a family even if it’s found family
#because sometimes found family is the best kind of family
#but no one i’ve met is willing to actually put up with who i am as a person and not abandon me
#every non-familial person in my life anytime i’ve shared deeply personal things with them: nope no thank you goodbye
#and the deeply personal things were always just like ‘i’m actually pretty insecure in friendships and i feel deeply lonely’
#it wasn’t even traumadumping bc they always seemed fine with that!! bonding over shared trauma was like a group activity
#and then anytime i was like ‘hey could i maybe get some validate that y’all don’t hate me?’ everyone would be like
#no. why would you need that we never said we hated you stop being over dramatic
#my dad pulled that last one all the time!! except he added the ‘how could you even think i hate you when i’ve been nothing but good to you!’
#come to think of it my friends did a lot of that too actually
#anyways i have a core belief that i’m actually just unloveable and people just tolerate me and it’s been confirmed repeatedly
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