#it wasn’t even traumadumping bc they always seemed fine with that!! bonding over shared trauma was like a group activity

[yay-depression]

the repressed neurodivergent experience of thinking “no one will ever love me with all of my neurodivergency the way i love them with their neurotypical-ness.”

#me my whole life: got made fun of for exhibiting ND traits among other stuff #me in middle school: well if i simply pretend i am neurotypical people will stop disliking me for being ND #spoiler alert: i was not very good at faking neurotypical-ness #me now: very very good at faking being neurotypical to the point that i am perceived as having very few distinguishable traits #my family my entire life: you are weird (aka neurodivergent) stop being weird #my family my entire life: if i simply do the thing that my child hates maybe they will grow out of hating it #another spoiler alert: no the FUCK i did not #tldr my entire life i’ve essentially suppressed most of myself to make the people i love comfortable bc that’s what they wanted from me #and in response they routinely ignore some of my most important boundaries and still try to act like they’re helping me #my therapist keeps telling me that one day i’ll get a family even if it’s found family #because sometimes found family is the best kind of family #but no one i’ve met is willing to actually put up with who i am as a person and not abandon me #every non-familial person in my life anytime i’ve shared deeply personal things with them: nope no thank you goodbye #and the deeply personal things were always just like ‘i’m actually pretty insecure in friendships and i feel deeply lonely’ #it wasn’t even traumadumping bc they always seemed fine with that!! bonding over shared trauma was like a group activity #and then anytime i was like ‘hey could i maybe get some validate that y’all don’t hate me?’ everyone would be like #no. why would you need that we never said we hated you stop being over dramatic #my dad pulled that last one all the time!! except he added the ‘how could you even think i hate you when i’ve been nothing but good to you!’ #come to think of it my friends did a lot of that too actually #anyways i have a core belief that i’m actually just unloveable and people just tolerate me and it’s been confirmed repeatedly