#and then they drift apart bc if they cant explore those feelings why not try to find happiness in other ppl | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jess-oh · 7 years

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Reflection

Hello blog,

it’s been a while. I really hope and pray that no one reads this anymore or at least doesn’t read this post. So if you are reading this, please skip over it. I don’t care if it’s in the future and this is an old post. Skip it. Please.

Just me? Okay cool.

So....i’ve got a lot on my mind and they arent necessarily all good. i think ive been struggling with indentity issues lately and figuring out who i am and who i want to be. i really like michaela and i just got back from playing D&D with her and her friend and i honestly had a good time! but on my way there, i was questioning myself. i thought about how much alcohol we would drink and how much i would just shrug it off and say that it’s fine. when it really wasnt. i was uncomfortable and past me would have never put myself in that position. So why do I keep doing that to myself? Purposely finding places where I could drink and wanting to in an effort to fit in. Why do I care so much? I know that I shouldn’t but I do. And I don’t think it’s a matter of feeling alone. It’s just a matter of wanting more friends and not wanting to be gossiped about or ostracized.

I also think I’ve been feeling a bit more insecure lately too. I have been more prone to gossip and I realized that I when I previously vented about people, just because I didn’t say their name, it didnt mean that i wasnt gossiping. Because I was. Even if I kept that anonymous, I was still talking smack about them. And then I started questioning the line of gossip. Is venting gossip? Is talking smack in an effort to feel better about yourself gossip? It’s not always so clean and simple where you are intentionally talking badly about someone for the sake of talking badly. I want to spend more time with myself, by myself and figure myself out without influence from outside forces. And I do feel bad because Loren has been messaging me kinda often when I can’t exactly talk on the phone. And I do want to be there for her and although she has been a bit of a burden, I haven’t been a great listener either. I often just check out of the conversation and vent about her issues to my friends and that seems pretty messed up. I don’t want to do that. I want to genuinely be there for her. I want to be the kind of friend that just drops everything in an effort to care for their loved ones. but... idk man. i also dont know if when ive been thinking, ive just been forcing myself to be this mold or someone that i want to be but not necessarily who i am. i keep saying that im super aggressive and sometimes i am. but not nearly as often as i claim to be. i think thats just who i want to become. and yes, i have been trying to keep myself a little more in check with my bluntness. but honestly, i am scared and intimated by what other people will say when i do want to confront them. i think it’s important to be considerate first. and i was just thinking about the summer and how in my own skin i felt and how God gave me the gift of compassion and how so in love I felt. I was so on fired and fueled by prayer and the words just poured out of my mouth. i didnt even have to think about it there. there was great power present and it was honestly amazing. but when we were at pastor william’s and i was asked what i like most about myself, i said, “compassion.” but it felt so weird. and wrong. because it was no longer true. i think over the summer, that was by far my best quality. i was filled with so much love and care for others and i was blunt bc i just wanted the best for them. but ive grown so unbelievably selfish lately and have “treated myself” way too often. i do still love others. a lot. but it’s not just about me. i want to care and serve for others too. those are my defining features. and maybe one day i will receive the gift of tongues. but for now, i just want to reestablish myself with Christ and move forward from here. I want to be me and work toward a better version of myself. I want to take good care of myself and while gaining control might have been a good excuse in the beginning, im nearly halfway through with the semester now and there are still so many variables that i cant control. so much has been happening and i just want to continue to do my best and maintain my cool.

im starting to get tired since it’s 2:26am but I really want to finish this blog entry.

So, Andrew. Hi Andrew.

I don’t like Lauren. You’re with her at Disneyland right now and I have no idea how it’s going but I’m assuming and fearing that it’s going really well. Because I really don’t like her. And maybe it’s bc we got off on the wrong foot or because I never gave her a chance. But more than that, she just reminds me of high school and how miserable I was. A part of me is afraid that she’s just using you as a sick joke and laughing about you behind your back with her friends. And I know that you’re worth so much more than that and I don’t know why I’m so worried about you but I am. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m losing you as a friend. Not just to her but in general. Maybe it’s because I know Lauren is close to Anela and Anela hardcore fucked me over. Maybe it’s because she was on ASB and knew Heidi. And Heidi drove me to cut myself. Maybe it’s just the thought of idea of her, getting close to you, and you guys becoming something more...and the two of us just drift apart again.

I mean, we already are. I finally confronted him recently and said that he’s been a lot more apathetic and selfish lately and he wasnt too offended but i dont think he fully registered it either. and i still havent told him about how he keeps objectifying women by just their appearance or as sexual objects and at first, i kinda just brushed it off and said, “oh...well, he’s a guy! whatever” but i knew in my heart that that is just a cop-out. i know so many guys that are much more respectful and not nearly as misogynistic. But I still want to be his friend and idk if im just overreacting because when i was watching jane the virgin earlier, i realized that i just casually say, “man, hes really cute.” and hes just going that to girls so is that really so weird? and im just not used to hearing the other side of it? maybe?????????? or it’s similar but hes taking it into the sexual approach? but he does still seem willing to give people a chance and move past appearance? But, he’s also been saying hes a lot of things that hes not in an effort to make himself look better. it’s a defense mechanism and i realize that i do that too. whenever something is remotely negative toward me, i immediately try and think of all the reasons why im actually good and not that bad thing. but i want to stop and try to just accept them as true and fact and work on them from there instead of dying them in the first place.

and finally, my sexuality. ive been drawn a lot more over the years to watching big boobs and scantily clad women. and im wondering if it’s bc im lowkey gay but im too afraid to admit it because of my religion? Why would God make me like this anyway? But all the people ive crushed on have also been guys so maybe im just straight? maybe? ???

or bisexual? maybe? i honestly dont know. or maybe it’s just because women are so overly exposed and their bodies are so heavily sexualized in media and im just used to that media too. bc i def feel turned on whenever i watch an anime clip or a real life version of sexy scenes. but it could also just be a result of repression and my sexual desire for the flesh and wanting to feel that intensity and that passion. but i know i shouldnt til marriage! but i would definitely be lying if i said that ive never been tempted. i have definitely thought of masturbation as an option too. eee, who knows. but i also like to dress scandalously sometimes too bc it makes me feel good. yes, sometimes it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. but other times, esp in my high waisted shorts and crop top, i feel BOMB DOT COM!!! And I might even be a little bit turned on by myself. i was hanging out with joyce and sharlene the other day and joyce mentioned how shes only a C cup and i thought about how i’m a D. And yet, Joyce is a lot bigger than I am. And then I felt kind of self conscious. But I do want to be more body positive and grow to love and appreciate my rather large boobs as they are. I know growing up, I felt pretty ashamed of them but I want to just be able to openly flaunt them instead and work in and wear crop tops and low necklines bc i feel good and im killin the game. really. thats part of the reason why i want to dress up as silk from the amazing spiderman. shes pretty well covered but i know that the body suit would accentuate my curves and mostly my boobs and i do want them to pop and feel hottttt. and i did a lot of research into creeps at the con and obviously i want to avoid them but a part of me actually wants to get hit on by a creep, just for my self esteem. yknow? like, wow, im so hot that i am worthy of getting hit on or cat called. and it sucks and it’s a bi degrading but i do think i would feel pretty good about myself, as sad as that sounds.

im just... im feeling really conflicted right now. i do want to do more exploring but thats not how i was raised but i dont want to live such an oppressed lifestyle but i also just want to be with God. and i want to be around people that i feel open about sharing my sexual fantasies with, even if i want to remain a virgin until marriage. not really but i know that it’s the right thing to do.

hm.

welp, yeah. i played dungeons and dragons with michaela spontaneously. we planned to do it at 11pm that night after work and we follow through and even though we were short a few people and jordan couldnt do my hair, we still had a pretty gr9 time. so yay.

i just. yeah. sigh.i got a lot to do and think about.

on the bright side, ive made sooooo much progress with my homework! but now i just really got to work on graphic design. ive been realizing that ive been putting that off more and more bc i want to avoid it whilst focusing more on physics and ITM, the two subjects that i previously used to avoid. neither are great but i guess it’s better that im focusing on those two notes bc i am hardcore struggling. but i also dont want to neglect a major class. so...we’ll see, i guess, haha. tess wasnt at work today and i didnt talk smack about her at all. instead, i met hailey and made a new friend c:

im going to see rocky horror tomorrow night and im happy to be going out with my friends and keeping marlena company but i do also feel bad bc church and im risking not waking up. and now that’s just on me. and it’s no longer such a small deal if i decide not to go. bc that affects dana as well and i do really want her to get to know Christ and really rekindle this relationship that she has with Him. I want Lakeview to become a place where people can feel a lot more personable and open with each other. And I don’t want to compare myself to others and wonder why someone did something for someone else but not me because it’s really not about me. it’s about us, in that moment, at that time, and what they are going through. not about me. not at all.

i think that’s all for now. i hope i can get a lot done tomorrow for graphic design and management! C: and i hope i can be more open with andrew too bc we definitely are growing apart and it breaks my heart and i feel this underlying sense of loyalty, just bc we were both there for each other when we needed someone to be there for us. and i am afraid that lauren is going to take up his time and he’ll neglect his time with me and i wont be as much of a priority to him. and that does kinda break my heart and i do miss him. i miss so many of my californian friends. i really do. and i cant wait to see them again over winter break.

#reflection

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