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jayceearr · 7 years

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I learned some things at 25

J'ai vingt-six ans .

I have to admit. I thought it would be cool to write twenty six in french. Turns out it’d be really corny. I had a pretty eventful day today. Today (well not when you’re reading this but when I wrote this) is the last day being twenty-five. I have seen a lot, grown, and learned a lot about myself and the man I’m going to become.

I’m pretty sure I said the same thing when I turned 21 but to be frank I didn’t know jack shit. Does anyone at that age? Anyways I went to work, got some things done, drove to Philly for a job interview then back home. Tried to make time for the gym but being behind the wheel for so long drains you. I’ve commuted waaaayyy too much for someone my age. I know my way just about everywhere. A walking atlas is what I call myself but I haven’t really walked anywhere since getting a car and now another one.

Okay. Let’s get to the meat of this. I don’t really know how to express my feelings right now so bear with me.

Jesus.

It’s something about that name huh? In my twenty fifth year on this planet I have accomplished so so so so much. I got my degree. Well two of them. Finally. a four year journey took me double the time. I used to hear old folks say as long as it gets done it doesn’t matter. I didn’t agree with that at 17 because I was a B student-athlete and thought shit came easy. Anything worth having is met with resistance. At least that’s what I tell myself every time someone tells me “No.” I guess that’s going to be my next goal and milestone, learning how to say no.

One night last summer I spent with a couple old coworkers, a to-be trump supporter, and my coworker’s father drinking spiced rum, bourbon, smoking cigars and playing cards on his porch. Gorgeous day. Mr. Polk (my friends father) shook my hand and didn’t let go upon meeting me. My friend Charles introduced us and said to his dad “This is the guy I was telling you about.” To that point I had been a little rude to Charles because he was new there and got the job I had applied for. My boss then asked me to train him and I told him in front of Charles I wouldn’t because if you didn’t think I was qualified for the position why would you expect that of me (I did relay to Chuck that there were no hard feelings. He was simply a guy that applied for a job and got it. Why would I hold a grudge with him? We’ve been tight ever since).

After a couple of hands and drinks in fellowship his father stopped the game for about a half hour. Chuck took it as him ranting but I think I understood something in his drunken speech. At that point I took about a year off from my site www.WhatsTheMovement.net and all my music industry ventures. I promised my mom I would graduate first. She told me that if I hadn’t poured all my energy into that I’d finish school faster. After that I’d have all the time in the world to hustle. She was right. Reluctantly I went with her plan. Anyways his Dad said something to be about the word no. I was having an emotional week but kept it all inside. His father kept saying to me during the Texas hold em game “This guy has a real twinkle in his eye. It’s fire there.” The other players took it as bluffing or game tactic especially because I had shades on but he knew.

He stopped the game, I took off my shades and it’s what he said to be that has stuck for a little more than the last year of my life. It’s almost my daily devotional aside from John 15:7.

"You got all the tools already, but when you wake up and been told no a million times WHAT IS YOUR RESOLVE?"

Damn. Right? That’s what I felt then and still now. What are you going to do when you know you’re the right person for every opportunity and they choose someone else? Are you going to quit? Or are you going to meet resistance with some resistance of your own? Funny enough I’ve only seen him twice since then but Charles always tells me his father asked about me. I’ve been trying to get that fire back. Not that the flame extinguished but it’s been put on hold for school and the promises I made my parents.

That’s another thing I did well at twenty five. I made them a promise and I kept it. Not just one but all of them. I became a better man which made me a better son. I realized this year they are just as good at being parents as I am at being a son considering we’ve done it for the exact same time. They are human just like me. I got tired of letting them down and pointing the finger. My mother said my dad told her that me graduating is like a weight lifted off his shoulders. This was so much bigger than me. I knew it but I didn’t really understand. I’m not the first college student in my family. In fact my parents met in college and are in black greek organizations. Life happened to them in college and neither of them got to finish. Well in my college years life happened to me too.

I wasn’t sure if I was gonna finish. I didn’t even want to finish anymore. I hated school. I almost flunked out. I ran out of money. My relationships failed. My best friend died. I started losing faith in myself. I felt like God was listening but had better things to do no matter how much I preached about his glory to everyone. I believed but I was in a dark place and I buried my feelings in the bottom of liquor bottles. I wanted to be numb. The therapist I was seeing wasn’t helping.

One day I remember waking up and just sat there on a day off with no intentions except let’s go grab a redd’s wicked ale without eating and be buzzed before lunch. So I’d sit in my friends bedroom watch him play 2K while I got numb and listen to some Goldlink or Childish Gambino or whoever else at the time for the sake of my music blog (at least that was my excuse to be wavy). When I sobered up at 3PM and went home with nothing to do it hit me. All the opportunities in the world. All of that potential. Was I going to keep saying tomorrow I’ll get it together or was I going to start the first day of tomorrow?

Tomorrow is here. Tomorrow was yesterday. My friend who was playing 2K had flunked out of school himself. I got super inspired and went back to his bedroom and told him something that resonated and I tell people all the time.

“We are in a hole. whether we dug it ourselves or someone else did, are we gonna sit in the hole and complain about everyone else or are we going to be the catalyst for the next thing that happens in our lives? No more being victims.”

That inspiration got me out of the hole. I made a promise to him too that we’d get out and we’d do it together. Long story short I’d travel this road alone. Another life lesson I learned at 25. My friend (whose name I won’t mention for sake of respect) got back into school but wouldn’t enroll for whatever reason. I went back to school alone and embarrassed because the peers I went in with were already finished and making their lives happen. It’s about reaching your own level though not someone else’s right (That’s from Love Jones)? His life went left, he got engaged, had a couple daughters, called off the engagement, lost a couple jobs and is struggling but he’s staying encouraged. I don’t say this to shit on him even if I told him to stick with our plan. He didn’t and now tells me how lucky I am to have my degrees and the people around me instead of congratulating me on my hard work that no matter what no one can take away from me. My cousin six years younger than I is now enrolled at that same institution. I hope I’ve made her proud and inspire her. She said something to my girl at my graduation.

“He looks really happy. You really helped him a lot.”

“Nah, he did that on his own. We are all just here to witness.” she replied.

That’s what I try to explain to my friend and now you guys. Happiness is an active emotion. It’s a job. You have to always actively try to make yourself happy because you alone are responsible with your own happiness. Period.

I said all of that to say this. No matter who you are. What your situation is. God is bigger than that and I don’t mean to sound cliche but it’s for real. This is part of my testimony. I just needed to share that with someone who’s been in as dark a place as I. Tears roll down my face as I type about how much I’ve learned. I spent the last couple hours of my first quarter century alone with the lord in thanks for all he’s done for me. I’ve been broke. I’ve been suicidal. I’ve been alone. All of that sucks especially when you’ve been the opposite and lost all of it. You can either curse God and wallow in it or you can do what you need to do. Be like Job. He lost everything and praised the lord and got tenfold. He was proactive about exiting the season of his life he was in. He sowed what he reaped and that was everything God offered him and according to John 15:7 that’s EVERYTHING you ask for in prayer. Be proactive about changing your life and hopefully throughout 26 and the rest of my life I’ll follow my own advice. I’m just excited to see what lessons I learn next and how I can implement them into my life.

We’re only getting better from here. Hopefully this touched someone that needed it as much as I wish someone could tell me back then. Yall don’t understand I really really did not want to live anymore. I am just so thankful because at any moment I could have ended it all but I stuck through, trusted the process and was strong in the last moments I wanted to throw my car off the bridge. The place I am at is not the destination or end of this journey. It’s only just begun.

Thank you Jesus.

In the words of my fellow Scorpio Brother....More Life.

#jayceearr #chronicles #personal #birthday #26

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