#anything its like. i am just sick in the head with impostor syndrome and thats how i got myself into this whole mess. lol

[femfalleen]

cw: gender dysphoria? (idrk but it is a related vent)

so one of the things my therapist tasked me with thinking about after i basically (finally) outed myself to her and said i was considering hrt was "was does being feminine/femininity mean to you" and like

? chief idk being "male" didnt mean anything to me personally but it seemed to mean things to the people i was around? plus like... it almost feels like impostor syndrome when i think that being feminine to me means like.. wearing certain clothes or smelling certain ways for example? like obviously i could and can still do those as a "guy" and that doesnt change anything but like.. i feel like im supposed to have an answer for that but saying i want to see my body become more "feminine" also feels like such a wrong answer too? i dunno

as well, i realize that theres more than just those purely visual parts of being feminine but like... idk i dont really get what i was supposed to be thinking about? theres obviously different issues and thoughts and challenges going on for people who are either "female" or "feminine" (and different ones for people who toe or cross that boundary) but wouldnt it be just weird to be like "ya i have gender dysphoria bc i want to fight for equality but i am amab"? (not that thats my personal reason, this is more of just a venting rant bc my follow up which was supposed to be only two weeks from the visit i outed myself got pushed back to over a month from that first visit bc she got sick)

i said at first that it was personal and thats not a lie of course as i want to see myself change in certain ways for my own appreciation of self and my life but at the same time it feels like i didnt know/understand how itd be to be perceived like that from someone else or something? like sure im not doing this for anyone but myself but that just makes me feel like its selfish and dumb and that i *should* be wanting that or something idrk

reading supposed stories from other people has kinda assured me a little that having this "impostor syndrome" about being sure or not seems common but that doesn't make it more palatable ha ha ha

as well, knowing that ive sorta thought about this for nearly a whole decade at least makes me feel a bit more certain but its all still bouncing around in my head like aaaaaaaaaaaaa

#oops i had a rough day haha #diary #november #november 2022 #231122 #gender dysphoria #mtf