#anyway. great start of the day. i still have six more hours to go 🥴

[irl]

i was gonna nix the trauma tonight cos i didnt feel like it but ig im in a silly goofy mood cos here we are anyway 🤪

anyway like truly heed the tw cos idk this ine might get graphic idk man ill try to remember to tag for it but dam dude it may jus go unt lol soz. silly goofy mood 🥴

***trauma dumping

like. ik that all the shit today couldve been prevented if i just. blocked her number. she doesnt have any way to contact me, she doesnt use social media. but i cant

i dont know why i really dont. is it masochism? do i secretly like it every time she texts? do i enjoy the adrenaline rush? i dont fucking know. i feel afraid of her. im not constantly afraid. yea she still affects my daily life but like, shes not On My Mind yknow. but god

when i went to florida last december i was constantly shitting bricks. afraid that she was alrwady back. cos i knew she was supposed to be going back. i was so afraid id see her. till i found oht the night before i left that she still was in missouri. i felt so much relief. wxcept it still wasnt all gone, the fear and anxiety. some small part of me kept buzzing the rest of the night and the next day that id see her, that shed see me. that shed sink her claws in me again and ibwouldnt be able to get away this time

when i told her i was planning on leaving she started. really financially abusing me. more than she already had. i tried to get a part time job that i ended up also being able to get her one too. we were just sign holders. i got to watch netflix for six hours and get paid 25$ an hour for it. it wasnt bad.

every time i got paid shed ask for money and she also stopped paying for gas and for food. she demanded half of my check for “rent” or whatever despite the original “agreement” that she got me under was that id live rent free.

when i got my tax return which was around $700, she took all of it, wasting most of my money on uber eats and shit. saying she was going to pay me back but never did and would get mad if i tried to stand up to it.

my stimulus check went the same way, except i was able to spend a little of that on myself before she decided she wanted jt all and i couldnt even put anything towards savings to leave.

looking back. it shouldve been obvious. i was mad abt it yea but i didnt see it as a form of financial abuse. she had me wearing very thick rose colored glasses

she had me constantly high. if not constantly than as often as she could. she had me drive while i was high guilting me w the fact she couldnt drive, period. she would smoke out of a bong while u was driving past police officers on purpose for the thrill. i hadnt rly ever smoked much because of her

she found me hollowed out by my ex who had taken almost everything from me, including all sense of self. i wasnt allowed to have a self outside of him. he disapproved of everything i did if he didnt like it. im sure i did shit that really fucked him up too tho. i have no idea but like. this was my severely untreated and inflated bpd time. i has no coping methods and so while i was suseptible to trauma and manipulation or whateva i was also like. a horrible person lmao. idk much abt that me cos yknow 🥴amnesia🥴 lol but what i do remember, i dont like.

but i still got fucked up by him. she found me a couple months after he broke up with me and i was left just a completely hollow husk of a person with nothing driving me.

id never rly smoked weed much tbh. i lived in colorado before and after The Great Legalization and i only smoked weed once then. i got crossfaded with a group of friends and a handle of fireball then we went and watched the first deadpool movie in theaters lol

the second

HOL D ON LMAO INTERMISSION COS I GENUINELY WANT TO FUCKING CRITY NOW LMAO LMAO LAMON AMLMAO FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK C UVJ FUCK I TOLD MY FRIEND ABT A SLEIGH BELLS CONCERT AND ASKED HER IF WE COULD GO TOGTHER AND SHE SAID LET ME THINK ABOUT IT AND SHE KNOWS SLEIGH BELLS IS MY FAVORITE FUCKING BAND AND I

SHE JUST TEXTED ME LMAO LMAO LMAO SHE ASKED ME FOR THE DATES AGAIN AND I WAS LIKE OHOHO? serves me right for hoping for smth dependent on someone not me. i shouldve learned this fhckinnglesson forever ago LOLOL every time i get hope in something that depends on someone else its alwahs fucking. crhshed. i dont hope for things dependent on other people unless its literally guaranteed like my moms guilt money lol. whatever. its fine “sorry you. cant come wjth me and [redacted] we are going with family frowny face emoji”. like. okay

im not mad at her. genuinely i hope she has fun. but fuck dide. u couldntve fucming. googled it. yourself and then simply not told me ur plans and be like soz boo cant make it. i wouldve rather the fucking. lie. i let my hopes get up. i didnt take anything out on her ofc like id never do that cos like. Yeah. Im Upset. Yeah. Im Angry. but i know im mostly just angry at the situation, not exactly at her. yeah i wouldve apprecisted more tact bht like. at the end of the day its fine. i probably wouldntve been able to afford it

i loved sleigh bells since i was like. a freshman or sophomore. i found them with young legends on some wally west playlist on 8tracks. i was like hm interesting. then somewhere i heard crown on the ground abd my brain started to brr. after that it was a rabbit hole and now ive been to like. three sleigh bells concerts and my favorite most cherished memory ever is from a sleigh bells concert and ibalso got the setlist from that same concert and ive got all but their latest two albums on cd and vinyl and

at my second concert, we were in a basement bar show in aspen colorado. the opening act was tunde olaniran. id never seen or heard him berore. but oh my god it was love at first sight. this man is Drop Dead Gorgeous. he has the voice of an angel. he deserves the world. and then sleigh bells

god dereks guitar is so harsh and whiney but so fucking powerful and rhythmic. i love his guitar i love his hands

alexis. alexis krauss is my One. i would do anything she asked. shes. god. i was up against the stage, there were no barriers. i was singing and dancing along to every song she sang with all of my energy all of my might just thouroughly experiencing the night

the first time id seen sleigh bells i did so at a festival and i got high for the second time bcos some dude wire wrapping crystal at a booth offered me some hits off of his blunt lol. and so i spent the whole First Time Seeing My Favorite Band And The Whole Reason I Came To Riot Fest high off of my ass and behind my phone videoing and taking pictures. i remember basically none of it lmao

exceptnfor jonas but hes a topic for later. dw hes cool.

so i decided i was going to do my damndest to remember this concert and i wasnt gonna use my phone at all. and that was the Correct choice. sure i dont remember it all, this is deep in the times that i Dont Remember but ive clung to this memory with gnashing teeth and claws.

they were performing minnie from their album bitter rivals. during one of the “minnie minnie, go count your pennies” lines alexis got right up to my face, stooping down close. just far enough for the microphone to be comfortable. her hair cascading around us. for just a split moment, it was just me and her in the world. no one else mattered.

she ripped back up when the line was over and i remember once she got to “window pain, the pain!” i did a deep drop, just fully going feral for a moment.

it was the best concert of my life. she handed me the set list at the end.

anyway i love sleigh bells hi

intermission over ig lmao

that also, incidentally, included the second time i got high so there u go. the third was with my ex fiances uncle. kinda boring. then i met tisa when i moved to florida and after we broke up but still lived together. she also offered me coke once but i declined her lmao. one of the hard stop drugs

after that it was all the hippie. she very quickly (like within a couple weeks knowing her) put in the dynamic of “big sister little brother” and started placing herself in a caretaker role regardless of what i said. after a bit i relented and let it happen. and she started getting me high. very quickly, cos i was still untreated unregulated bpd bitch, the unhealthy dynamic was solidified and the infatuation and fixation began because i was very vulnerable and she was placing herself in the role of protector cause thats what i craved.

she apparently did this a few times before. i saw the end of her previous one with a woman named sarah. she talked about a couple others. i dont remember them clearly.

she talked about herself a lot. she trauma dumped constantly. and i was just expected to listen. she told me horrible horrible things thatd apparently happened to her. i still cant tell if she was telling the truth. and id just have to listen to it.

if it was true she had a habit of bringing it her way it felt like. it might get graphic soon

animal gore hg stuff idk um doubt anyones reading anywau im just gonna write

one time her sons cat got out. this was at the first place we lived with the trailer. her sons cat got out. or maybe it happened in the trailer. i. we found him. i dont know. i only just. unlocked this memory tonight. but god it was so awful and disgusting.

somehow he got a gnarly cut on one of his paws. and cats use a litter box and all. and she never cleaned it. and it got infected so a gnarly cut turned into a necrotic painful oozing wound.

i dont even know how it happened. or how long hed been like that. he was her cat and he rarely ever came around to me anyway.

she pissed away $15k on bullshit. so much so that upon finding this she decided she couldnt afford a vet. shed deal with it herself. with my assistance ofc cos she couldnt do it alone.

my task was to hold this poor cat still, wrapped tight in a blanket to keep him from hurting us or himself. as she cut away at his paw pad with a pair of cuticle scissors.

im going to vomit

there was so much blood. he was in so much pain. the wound was so bad. the blood was so dark. then it was bright. i dont know why. i didnt expect him to have bright red blood. the only time you see an animals blood is dried dark rust on pavement. but here he was. bleeding like a human. bright red

its teally hard. walking through this memory. i have a migraine building. im fighting twars. this is physically painful. i

it took so long. i felt like we were there for hours. we were probably only there for 30 minutes to an hour. but that long is infinity when youre watching this. she poured something on his foot. it was supposed to steralize it. it was some dark liquid that stained his white foot bright yellow. she wrapped his foot in gauze and put a sock on it. every few days unwrapping to go at the foot again a little bit. squeezing more and more awful puss shit out.

eventually it healed. she decided shed do it herself. with my help of course bcos how could she ever do this alone

i guess im done for now. im physically shaking. im out of weed. its almost midnight and i open tomorrow. and most importantly, my phones dying. the stars aligned i should sleep

i wish she would forget about me so i could forget about her

#txt #journal #yeah #uh #yea #anyway sleigh bells intermission in this one i love sleigh bls #theyre my fuckjng favorite band #alexis kr4uss if ur out there….