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thaumaturtles · 5 years

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Begin ANGELQUEST

The other day, I was doing some.......

...... studying.......

When I came across an advertisement. This isn’t at all an unusual experience; I’ve been on the internet for a decade and change and I’ve come to accept that ads are a part of the experience. This was an ad I’d seen many times before, too. I’m so accustomed to seeing it that my eyes often skip right over it. However, I’ve been reading a lot of articles about Enlightenment, lately, and I’ve been trying to put that into practice in my everyday life. I’ve been attempting, to varying degrees of success, to become more aware of myself and my environment, to probe onward into my mind’s own blind spots. In short, I’m trying to blitz my chakras. (Don’t worry, am Indian, can reclaim.)

And so, for perhaps the first time, I took a moment to truly see the ad in front of me. To stop and smell the dogshit hiding behind the roses. And, goodness, was it a sight to behold. Ladies, gentlemen, and all who fall betwixt, I present to you, THIS:

Take a moment, if necessary, to take it all in.

Have you collected yourself? Good. You’re holding up the rest of the class.

I don’t know how I’ve managed to let this pass without mental comment on more than one occasion. How did I look at this image, think “angel reading? yeah, sure, that’s a thing that exists” and then shuffle along? The only explanation I can muster is Divine intervention, which would ironically lend this product some legitimacy. I need to understand. What does Angel Reading mean? How could such a process be personalized, and, furthermore, how could it take place over the Internet? Who is this “Celeste”? What is she after? Why does she look vaguely disappointed in me? Can she see my soul? What is an “Angelic Medium”?????

Clearly, if I want answers, I’m going to have to dive in. I place my Crocodile Dundee hat on my head with no small measure of trepidation, though I must confess a moiety of excitement deep within. As I hike up my Adventurin’ Shorts and stuff a few hundred metres of rope into my backpack, I consider the long road ahead. And then, with my cosplay explorer’s outfit put on to my approval, I sit down at my computer. I’m really not sure why I felt the need to do all that when I’m just gonna be here at home.

I steel my will, and I click.

This loading screen appears, and I’d like to mention that the URL for this page is perhaps longer than any URL I’ve ever seen before in my 16 years.

Okay, let’s just take a moment to get our bearings here and-

HOLY MACKEREL, THERE’S A COUNTDOWN!

And only twenty-seven minutes left! Sakes alive, I clicked this link just in time! Imagine If I’d wasted more time farting around and dressing up like Indiana Jones!

Although, weirdly enough, whenever I refresh the page, the timer restarts, and it always restarts at 27 minutes and 50ish seconds, which is a random-enough number to seem legitimate.

Hmm. Odd.

I wonder if maybe the countdown isn’t actually real and is just there to pressure you into typing your info more quickly so you don’t notice how fishy this whole opera-

OH MY GOD ONLY 26 MINUTES!!!!!!!

OK, gotta think quickly here. Gosh, they’re asking some personal questions right off the bat, but I can’t let them know it’s me; they might recognize me from tumblr. If this sting operation’s gonna go forth I gotta lie my ass off. My name? Uh, uh.. My name is Dyl-Dy- Uhhhh, shit, okay, it’s Dylan-NO, Dylllllllll...... Delilah? Delilah. Like from the Bible. Yeah, that’s fitting, especially since I’m swindling these fools. Soon, Celeste, your hair will be mine.

They’re asking for my date of birth, which I’m hesitant to put because my 16th birthday party was kind of a big deal and Celeste might’ve heard about it, in which case she’ll know it’s me AND things will be super awkward cause I didn’t invite her to the party.

I put 4/13/1969 obviously

They’re also asking for my e-mail address, which I can’t give out because it has my full name, address, and social security number in it, so let’s just pull this ripcord real quick and parachute out of this nightmare zone, and over to a quick, free, secure e-mail client. That is, protonmail.com, which is not my usual e-mail server and will thus throw Celeste’s goons even farther off my trail

Wow, that was a surprisingly quick and painless process! I might just have to use protonmail in the future

So anyway here’s my info, sent in right under the wire, with a mere 24.3 minutes left! God that was close. Picture that classic scene in Indiana Jones where he slides under the door and then reaches back in to get his hat, only it’s an out-of-shape teen and also the door hasn’t even started closing yet.

I went with my actual country because, c’mon, there’re a lot of people in Jamaica. Statistically speaking, how likely is it they’d find me through that?

You know I didn’t. You know I fucking didn’t. Why are you asking.

Also, here’s a quick rundown of what Celeste is actually offering in case anyone was curious. It does somewhat tickle me that she claims she’ll “get to work immediately” as soon as anyone clicks the link and subscribes, as though the process isn’t completely automated. It evokes a clear image of Celeste, in full angelic garb, sitting at a computer screen and answering calls while also typing into three discrete keyboards simultaneously.

The idea that she could personally take the order of every individual who clicks this ad betrays either a complete lack of confidence in the desirability of her product, or an incredible amount of confidence in her own ability to multitask.

Who is “she”? Celeste? That doesn’t make much sense in the context here. Peter’s Guardian Angel? But earlier Celeste made it sound like all angels use he/him! Also, what does “bring her back” mean if it’s the angel? Can angels leave and later be found again? I feel like if you find your guardian angel once, that should be it forever, but apparently they can leave and you have to ensnare them again?????

Hooray! A link from an unknown source to an unknown destination! I sure can’t wait to click it all day long!

The things I do in the name of science, I swear to God Celeste.

It took a minute but here it is. Sidenote: I rather enjoy the irony of an inbox which consists of three e-mails about encryption and ways to curate a safe internet experience, and one which is an automated link from a bullshit ad for a product that doesn’t exist. There’s a subtle poetry to this image. I almost want to frame it, and then sell it for an exorbitant amount of money.

Here’s the e-mail, folx. If ever you needed proof that this was a scam, look no further.

Who on this good green earth would think beginning such a missive with, “Thank you for your trust,” would be a good way to garner MORE goodwill? When I go to my local grocer and I purchase a party-sized bag of Tostitos to eat by myself over the course of a day and a half because I’m in control of my body, goddammit, the bag doesn’t say, “Thank you for believing in us! We promise we won’t give you dysentery!

Like, what the fuck? “Thank you for your trust.” Your product should be able to stand on its own two feet and proudly proclaim, “I’m gonna give you a fucking angel reading or die trying!”

That initial line has honestly made me more scared than ever for this process. I’m confident I’m going to click that link and it’s going to auto-download a terabyte of obscure Norwegian pornography to my hard drive. I did just update my computer this morning, however, and all my data are backed up, so I feel somewhat more secure than I might otherwise.

Did I really just say “data are”? I know it’s grammatically correct and all, but it’s still jarring to hear. Messes with my mental flow. And wouldn’t the proper, descriptivist thing to do be to use “data is” to avoid confusion? Using “data are” feels clunky, is more difficult to say, and makes me look a bit snobbish. I’d delete it but that would require hitting the backspace button on my computer and I’m frankly quite lazy about that sort of thing. What was I talking about again? Oh, right. I have to click the link.

Again with the “thank you for your trust” bullshit! Whatever, I’m going to let it pass. They’re clearly going for a friendly, approachable persona here, even if they’re doing it in the most threatening, ass-backwards way possible.

This next email took a seemingly endless eight minutes to arrive, during which time I meditated, raised a bonsai tree to adulthood, watched Marley & Me, grappled with intense feelings of loneliness, and worked on some of my homework.

Or maybe I just played games on my phone. You decide!

Okay, not quite what “hereby” means, but sure. It’s a common mistake, likely exacerbated by the presence of the word “here” within “hereby.” Sort of a “wherefore does not mean where” situation I suppose.

Anyway, I’m submitting to the mortifying ordeal of clicking the link yet again.

Christ get a load of this shit. How fitting that the Angelic stone for someone born on 4/13 would be Jade. My archangel is Megatron apparently??? His info claims he’s some sort of scribe. My major planet is Neptune, and my secondary planet is.... the sun? Is anyone going to tell Celeste what stars are or do I have to do everything myself around here? I do like that ram up in the top left though. I’m naming you Ram Elliot.

Now for the pièce de résistance. Meet Mahasiah. Mahasiah is not my guardian angel; Mahasiah is the guardian angel for anyone born between April 10th-14th. My guardian angel is Yerathel, apparently. A few things I learned while researching this: both Mahasia and Yerathel have “feminine energies” (???) and both have Fire as their associated classical element. Also, Yerathel rules over Intelligence, which is one thing I actually somewhat like about myself. This is actually kind of neat to learn about!

I mean come on. That’s pretty fuckin cool. His name means “He Who Punishes Evildoers” which is beyond epic, and his associated gem is Smoky Quartz, aka the only Steven Universe character.

You know, maybe this whole Angel Reading business isn’t a scam after all. Maybe it’s a perfectly safe process and I’ll be totally fine, what am I worrying about? At the very least, it couldn’t hurt to explore her site a bit more..... for research’s sake.

yeah baby tell me more

certainly, miss celeste, anything for you

wait, aren’t I already in a relationshi-

JAZZERCISING JUNIPERS BATMAN THERE’S ONLY 28 MINUTES LEFT

holy shit! I want accurate readings!

Oh god oh no okay i’ll do whatever you want celeste please don’t leave me i need my tarots

THEY KNOW ABOUT ME ALREADY OMG

Well, okay, even in my currently addled state I can still see that “Duo-Telepathy” is complete bullshi-

OH WELL IF AMANDA GAVE THEM THREE WHOLE STARS I HAVE TO TRUST IT

Amazingly, my info was pre-filled in. Almost like this site is linked to Celeste’s in some way, or perhaps even run by the same group of scammeUPSTANDING CITIZENS IS WHAT I MEANT TO SAY

Ooh, another e-transmission from my good friend Celeste! Oh, how I’ve missed her! And apparently large and surprising discoveries have been made concerning me! She’s presenting me a Guide? I sure hope I’ll be able to open it, hassle-free, with no additional purchases/information required!

OHOHOHOHO

bro i’m shitting my drawers rn

I have no fucking clue what that means but you said FREE so i’m in!

oh my god there’s still so much left. just shut the fuck up and take my money you fools

AW TITS YEAH

....i think

Okay, I know the original thing said FREE and I should be “mad” or watever, but look at that bargain! that’s more than half off! It might as well be free! I’d be stupid NOT to buy it!

I’ve invented a lot of secondary information for Delilah. The phone number is merely (559) YOU-SUCK, as a subtle way of establishing the power dynamic at play here. I’m sure Celeste will appreciate it.

Hmmmmm.............. It would seem my method of “just input numbers randomly” won’t work here. Such a shame. Credit card fraud used to be so easy. I’ll have to put that on the backburner, though, because look what just appeared in my inbox!

You can see where this is going.

I’ll take my leave now, this post is getting long enough as is, but I do feel it’s important to note that doing a quick bit of research shows that Celeste & co. are famous for emotional manipulation, as well as getting people addicted to their products and forcing a sort of dependency upon them. It’s important to do your research, and remember basic internet safety tips like don’t click popups or check if a site is legit before downloading from them. It’s incredibly easy to get trapped down this sort of rabbit hole, where you wind up buying more and more of their products like you’re stockpiling for the Rapture. Not me, though, I’m obviously fine and can quit anytime I like. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go try a bunch of credit card numbers until one works.

#dylan talks #angelquest #long post #why do i keep making these #also yes this post was inspired by 'come with me on a magical journey through the internet' and 'an offer you cant refuse'#what about it

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rebeccahpedersen · 5 years

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Micro Condos Are The Future of Downtown Toronto

TorontoRealtyBlog

I have never taken a big interest in April Fool’s Day.

That’s not to say I have no sense of humour, but just the idea that we pick one day per year to play pranks really takes the element of surprise out of the equation.

Anybody who follows the comedic staples on Instagram would have undoubtedly seen this a couple of times:

Right.

Kudos to Gail. You have to admit, she’s trying!

It sort of reminds me of a company meeting we had 5-6 years ago where an older lady stood up during the Q&A after the “Social Media” presentation and said, “How do I…..do…..a Twitter?” Applause ensued. Hey, she was trying. She smiled when she asked the question, she wasn’t quite sure of the verbiage, but she stood up nonetheless.

Gail, you’re an Instagram legend, even one year after your epic April Fool’s Day prank.

On Monday, I fell for not one, but two real estate related April Fool’s Day prank.

Do you have one of those email accounts you use for ordering pizza, signing up for Best Buy when you order one $9 cord online, and subscribing to real estate websites? I do. It’s the same Hotmail account I’ve had since 1997. So while looking through my copious amount of eBay emails on Monday, I saw one from Condos.ca about the “first and only dog condo” in Toronto.

So cool, I thought!

I remember the first condo to have no parking spaces, marketed as the first only “bicycle condo,” so wasn’t it only a matter of time before we saw a condo that had no restrictions on pets? Or, wait. What is a “dog condo?” The more I read, the more I realized this made no sense. A dog condo, like, for dogs?

Then I read more, and I realized this was a joke.

Ah, yes, it was April Fool’s Day, after all.

But I read the entire thing! I clicked all the links!

It was really funny, really creative, and I have to give them credit for putting so much work into this.

Check it out HERE.

And they even started a website called www.condogs.ca

Great work!

But the day was still young, and I had yet to perk up from my morning coffee. So upon seeing my colleague, Steven Fudge’s latest blog post advertised on Facebook, I was hooked!

“You Can Buy A Sleeping Pod In A Toronto Micro Condo For $49,900”

For those of you that don’t read Steven, you’re missing out. He’s very unique, as is his writing style, and he’s always got something interesting to say. Bookmark him and you won’t be disappointed.

I started reading the blog post, and I was just shocked. “What is this city coming to?” I thought, upon seeing what people are resorting to:

Ashamed as I am to admit this, it wasn’t until I saw Gotcha! Happy April Fool’s! that I realized this was all a joke.

Am I stupid? Gullible? Or both?

I was just tired. Oh, so, so very tired on Monday morning after very little sleep and a lot of……umm……what do they call it……….ah, parenting, on the weekend.

I feel as though if you’re not paying extremely close attention, and if what’s in front of your eyes is convincing enough, your brain allows you to believe it. That photo above with the guys sleeping in pods is real, after all. That’s in China.

And we all know that, as Britons found out on April 1st, 1957, spaghetti does grow on trees.

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That truly is the greatest April Fool’s Day prank ever played. And I fell for that as a child when my Dad showed it to me on TV.

Anyways…

Upon falling for Steven Fudge’s “micro condo pod” story, I began to consider just how small condos have become. In fact, this has been on my mind since the Liberals announced their budget two weeks ago, and a couple of readers commented that their plan to help first-time buyers, who are purchasing for under $480,000, might cause developers to build smaller condos.

Well, they’re already building smaller condos.

So can they start building them even smaller?

If, for argument’s sake, this first-time home-buyer loan from the federal government (or shared mortgage, whatever you want to call it) has legs, then it’s possible that will push the lower end of the market, across the country, and even here in Toronto.

If, for argument’s sake, there are more and more buyers looking for $350,000 condos in downtown Toronto (that currently don’t exist), it’s possible that developers will start building them.

And where does that leave the rest of us, ie. those that don’t want to live in micro-condos?

Well as I said, it’s already happening, and the writing has been on the wall for some time.

Think about how a developer makes his money; he sells gross floor area.

Let’s say that a developer purchases a site, and the buildable area is 400,000 square feet. Maybe the condo is 100 feet wide, by 100 feet deep 44 stories high, and minus elevators, common area, and mechanical rooms, there’s 400,000 square feet of upon which to build condos.

If a buyer wanted a 400,000 square foot condo, then great! The developer will just sell all 400,000 square feet and be done with it. But we know this isn’t how it works, so the developer will chop up the 400,000 square feet into multiple units of varying shapes, sizes, floor plans, and combinations of beds and baths.

Maybe the developer chops up the 400,000 square feet into 100 units, or maybe it’s 500. Who knows.

How the developer determines this is a combination of saleability and marketability, ie. what can be sold, and for how much.

There’s a larger market for smaller units, and smaller units sell for higher prices, so it seems to reason that most of a new development will be small 1-bedroom condos. It didn’t use to be this way. When I got into the business in 2004, the larger the unit, the higher the price per square foot! Just imagine how crazy that would seem today?

So let’s consider that in, say, 2008, you might be looking at a 565 square foot condo for $500 per square foot, or $282,500. That was affordable for a lot of folks then, but folks today can only dream about that price point.

As time went on, and prices went up, the price per square foot increased along with the absolute price, ie. unit price.

What we have come to realize in 2019 is that developers are not concerned with the price per square foot, since consumers clearly aren’t, and instead they are looking at the absolute price.

Today, a buyer might think they have struck gold to find a condo for “only” $399,000. But whereas in 2004, this purchased a 1,050 square foot unit, in 2019, it might only purchase a 362 square foot unit.

And that is why units are shrinking in size.

It’s not because of what people want, it’s because of what people can afford.

Tell me that people want smaller units, and I’ll you you’re wrong. This is merely a function of price, and it’s been force-fed to us by developers who recognize that setting a unit-size floor of 580 square feet, like we used to see in 2004, might set a price floor of $600,000, and that’s not going to attract buyers.

Do you know what will attract buyers?

Condos @ Dundas & University, Starting From $479,900 – On VIP Sale NOW!

That’s highly attractive…..

……to morons.

Because not only are these pre-construction condos that may never be built, may be cancelled, may be delivered in 2028, may have insane closing costs, may be in “occupancy” for two years, and so on, but these are…………wait for it…………..279 square feet in size.

Yup, and if you do the math, you’ll see that this is a whopping $1,720 per square foot.

Oh, so now I’m not a jerk for calling would-be buyers, “morons?” Admit it, you were thinking that…

Yes, $1,720 per square foot, which is just absurd. It’s also insulting. But I’m sure sales are fantastic!

What does a 279 square foot condo look like?

This:

(Courtesty of Condonow)

That’s a kitchen, living, and dining all combined into one room that’s 12’1″ x 10’0.” I don’t want to sound like a jerk, but my office is 17′ by 16′. Wait, come to think of it, my office is the overall condo size! I don’t know how I can come in here every day with the same perspective…

But consider 12’10” x 10’0″ when having to find a place for your fridge, stove, dishwasher and/or microwave if you can fit them, kitchen sink, bed, and somewhere to put clothing, and maybe, I dunno, stuff?

While I recognize that there are people all around the world living in smaller spaces, I just don’t know that this is going to work in Toronto.

At the risk of sounding repetitive, it warrants mentioning once again: nobody wants to live in spaces this small; these are being built by developers who are chasing a price-point.

And that’s the sad reality of our market.

Developers, who effectively run the city of Toronto (at least the downtown core), can’t build larger units because the market for them is smaller. And what this means, in my opinion, is that thirty years from now, the entire downtown core will be full of micro condos, and society will largely adapt as a result.

Think of the fallout from this!

Furniture designers, appliance retailers, and scores of “smart” products will all be affected by the size of properties in which people live.

Just to show you that the 279 square foot unit at “United BLDG Condos” isn’t an anomaly, here’s a 300 square foot condo at the “YSL Residences” at Yonge & Gerrard:

(Courtesy of Condonow)

Just in case you had your chequebooks ready, this condo is $459,900.

That’s $1,533 per square foot!

And despite the fact that this 300 square foot unit is larger than the 279 square foot unit above, the layout is actually worse, since the living/dining/kitchen is smaller. Note the large hallway entrance – this is BRUTAL for such a small unit!

Is that a TV across from the bathroom?

It’s just crazy.

And the prices, wow!

How does this make any sense?

You’ve heard my pre-construction rants for over a decade now, but geez, why would anybody pay $1,533 per square foot for a pre-construction condo when they can buy across the street for $800?

Am I losing my mind here?

What’s going on?

youtube

Yeah, exactly like that.

Well, if this is the part where you’re hoping I tell you that over $1,700 per square foot is an April Fool’s Day joke, you are sadly mistaken.

Because it is both sad, and a mistake, in my opinion, that we’re starting to build sub-300 square foot condos in the downtown core. I understand that not everybody can afford to buy larger condos, but not everybody needs to own either. As rare as it is to hear a real estate agent say that, I just think this obsession with ownership and the entitlement that leads people to think they “should” live five minutes from work, has brought us here.

Let’s see how many more new developments give us floor plans like those shown above…

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