#are any of these paragraphs related to one another? i dont fuckin know

[ourfag]

i think part of the resistance i’ve seen in response to the view of ed as an abuse victim—not just the view of izzy as someone who abused ed, but of ed as someone who was abused by him, as opposed to interpretations that pursue an image of Nuance and Complexity (unnecessarily, because their dynamic has heaps of both, but there seems to be a popular impulse to conflate complexity with shared culpability) by characterizing their relationship as being toxic/unhealthy in equal reciprocity, or as “mutually abusive” (oxymoron)—i definitely see the influence of racism there, but i think the racism is also working to amplify an adjacent issue where we tend to receive very specific cultural messaging about What An Abuse Victim Looks Like, and ed is excluded from a lot of that criteria.

he’s outspoken. he’s boisterous. he’s Very Cool and he Wears Leather. he’s physically bigger and browner than the person mistreating him. he spends the first season with a big grey beard, he’s covered in tattoos, he projects the image of A Man’s Man, to say nothing of his being a man in the first place. we see him get aggressive and we see him get angry (and sometimes we even see both at the same time). we see moments where he’s surly, prickly, insensitive, arrogant. his survival techniques and trauma responses incur collateral damage to other people, and in the second season this extends into affecting people we actually sympathize with. he’s extremely private about expressing fear. without examination, his professional relationship to izzy seems to position him as the one with the power slanted in his favor.

most damningly, we see him react multiple times to izzy’s abuse with physical violence. this is behavior that gets referenced all the time in the construction of narratives condemning subjects of physical abuse, let alone emotional abuse. which is why writing that intends for its audience to interpret a character as being unambiguously A Victim Of Abuse will often, for simplicity’s sake, avoid showing the character regularly engaging in anything of the kind.

and again, all of these departures from the image of The Model Victim are compounded by his being a man of color.

without any of the shorthand designed to point a big flashing arrow at his mistreatment, all we have left to work with are the words and actions we see from ed and izzy onscreen. who instigates conflict, and how does the other respond? how are they able or allowed to respond? how do we see them speak about each other to outside parties? does one go out of their way to control or isolate the other? what consequences does either party stand to face in saying “no” to the other? in acting against the other’s wishes? in trying to leave the relationship? when either of them attempts these things, how do we see the other respond?

i realize and appreciate what people are driving at when they garnish their analysis with disclaimers that they’re not saying ed’s just a poor innocent abuse victim, they’re not saying he’s a perfect angel who’s never done anything wrong, and that’s true, but these are points already contained implicitly in statements like “this show’s protagonists act like human people” and “ed’s emotional struggles are portrayed in a realistic and believable way.” my assumption is that these disclaimers are anticipatory responses to worst-faith interpretations of any discussion that attributes any victim status to ed whatsoever, so i definitely sympathize with their inclusion, but a (very small) part of me still worries about them potentially reflecting or reinforcing a belief that there is any way for someone to behave towards their abuser that imparts a responsibility for them to make right whatever damage the abuser receives, or for that matter any degree of ambiguity over their status as an abuse victim in the first place.

part of what i find so gratifying about ed as a character is that i don’t feel like the show’s writing is pressuring me to consider that ambiguity at all. which was a really nice thing for me to discover!

and tbh—did using ed to deconstruct The Model Victim even factor into the writers’ agenda?? ive got no clue. im guessing no? ??maybe?? probably not?? but if you create a main character whose central premise is that he feels trapped in a performance of exaggerated masculinity that he’s desperate to escape, and then you set him up with a character premised on embodying a tangible obstacle against that escape, then i guess that’s the natural shape your story’s gonna be inclined to take

#man thats a lot of words when i couldve just said ‘im not an ed apologist bc he has nothing to apologize for’ and yalld get the message #had to get it off my chest though #abuse tw #sorry about the verbosity Im Aware. Its An Ongoing Issue #this is actually after i went through and edited to make it as concise as possible #the good news is ive finally managed to limit myself to a mere half dozen commas per sentence #the bad news is all these words are mush in my brain now and i can barely tell if theyre actually saying anything #are any of these paragraphs related to one another? i dont fuckin know #i do know i agreed with them when i wrote them though #am i procrastinating in the tags because im nervous about posting this? maybe. shut up #im gonna go do todays wordle

[deeafrotailmisstress]

This is for the Anon that sent me this ask askin me why I ship the ships that I do. Aaand it turns out. Dee got no chill. So I wrote an extensive set of paragraphs explaining why I ship my OCs with these characters. My first ask rant tho! Yaay! (pls don’t judge how lengthy it is 😅) NOW! Time for the second answer for the lovely anon’s question. I’m just gonna start randomly, not gonna be ranking these in order of which ship I like the most or anything.

Mal & Kai: The two big elf bitches. The smol and tol thicc-ness. (okee that’s enough)

Now for reasons as to why I love this ship: Because it’s a beautiful ship that involves two like-minded women harboring healthy feelings for each other, showing great respect and trust towards their decisions and choices and each other. Despite them being the most fast-paced ship of mine that was forged during their timeline, it’s not just the big flashy steamy moments between them that draws me to this ship. It’s also the fact that despite their different backgrounds and upbringing and race, they’re both two thicc-af, BAMF babes who don’t give a shit what anybody else thinks because they care and love each other enough despite it all. And the fact that Kai still found it in her heart to accept Mal despite what she did in her past and blaming herself so deeply for it, just made the big lovable babe love her belfy all the more.

Another thing with Mal is, despite the stone-cold bitch vibe she gives off to everybody, she’s a total softie for Kai - she calls her nicknames like “honey, gorgeous, babe, sweets”, listens to her, compliments her and ready to fly to wherever she is to beat the fuck out of whoever messes with her smol babe. And the care and affection that Kai gives is just as much! She tries to help Mal out as best as she can, accepts her help when Mal offers it, actively works to make her feel better when she’s down, I can fuckin go on.

Jaz & Trobu: okay no more nicknames cuz...I honestly ran out. xD Onto why I ship this!

Honestly, a big reason for me is their similarities, and how well they are able to relate each other. Both Trobu and Jaz ran away from their homes because they were different and trying to avoid their parent’s expectations for them; I suppose… for Trobu it would be different, ‘cause his parents wanted him to be a Zombie lol, but for Jaz, it was for a sense of belonging and trying to find her own way. They’re both also in a way seeking acceptance from their peers; for Jaz it was more like she wants to feel accepted as someone who is stronger and not limited by what everybody thinks she is. And in a way, she’s grateful that Trobu never assumed or judged her by her surface, even though he’s like twice her size and most brutes she met that were as big as him weren’t as friendly.

Another reason why I ship this ship: they both start off as just friends mostly. The fact that it all started off as them both just messing around and causing havoc but having each other’s backs and being super chill buds, but then the feelings grow later on, is the best.

And yeah, Trobu’s a dumbass and it’s not like Jaz doesn’t notice it right off the bat, but that leads me to my final point; their personalities are well suited to each other. After Jaz’s rather traumatic and emotionally exhausting experience with her last mate, she doesn’t really love as easily as she used to and is afraid that if she does, the same shit would repeat itself. But the fact that Trobu’s just as durpy, albeit quite dumber, and willing to put up with her crazy-ass shenanigans and stories and likes her for herself (and vice versa), made her finally decide to trust him because...I have a feeling Trobu’s too dumb to come up with any backstabbing plan anyways xD. And Jaz definitely needs someone who can love her with just as much loyalty and honesty as she can.

Kersoroe: the most recent one, and the most ‘came-out-of-the-blue’ ship for me. The Cock and Green. The Ketchup and Mustard. The Chocolate and Carmul. (lul i lied i still have plenty of silly nicknames)

The reason I say this ship came out of the blue for me is because at first, Kerso and Roe don’t really get along and me and @flynneware agreed that at first it would probably be a fuck-buddy thing. Kerso thinks Roe is a good lay, and Roe is thirsty for that sexy-voiced orc daddy, so it worked (rubi pls dont hate me for phrasing it like that xD). But then. Then the fluff came in. And if y’all know me, you’d know that Fluff™ is Dee’s kryptonite, and it got me thinking about their parallels. On the surface, Kerso and Roe don’t look like they have a lot in common. Kerso’s much older and mature, he’s wiser, compassionate, patient and his idea of a good time is reading a book or sitting down to engage in a good conversation over a cup of tea. Roe might as well be his opposite; loud, brash, arrogant and always having a problem with Kerso’s sudden authority over him when Kerso comes into the Dragon Squad.

But then you see them interact more often and you see the similarities seep in. They both start to grow and Kerso starts to be more patient with Roe and after catching him in a vulnerable moment and seeing how he had grown into what he was, Kerso only wanted to try and help him. Because at the end of the day, that’s an essential part of who Kerso is. A healer. Was it wise of him to do that even when all Roe used to do was call him racist orc-slurs and threatened to kill him?  Probably not, but despite Roe not being one of his favorite elves, he cannot just ignore an aching soul when he sees one.

Next thing you know, they’re both opening up to each other. They find out they’re both loners, that they were both tortured, been through so much, scarred inside and outside, but despite all that they both accept those sides of each other. And you don’t just see it in the big feels-y moments they have (and omg you guys, when I say ‘big feels-y moments’, I MEAN BIG FUCKIN FEELS-Y MOMENTS. I can’t wait to see if we can post the RPs here when they are done), but also in the smaller, yet significant moments where their support and banter for each other is also shown. You’ll get a kind of balanced relationship where they need each other, where they complete each other, and where light and dark come together. If you focus on all these things you get a complex and beautiful relationship.

#dee writes #....ship rants? #OTP rant? #Idk what to call this man #this is such an indulgent thing of me to do i hope nobody minds me just droppin this bigass post on their dash #XDD #tbf i am answering the anon #so blame them #nyehehehe

[fandomfictions-journal]

to introduce this. im Fandom Fiction, or Conf. I usually go by the latter. This is, my ‘writing shitdump’. Nothing here is tagged, nothing will ever be linked to this. If someone finds it, dear god, but like, you had to dig so good job. Or you stumbled into it and have no idea what im on about. Tumblr is a weird place. but i digress. 

Ill begin with saying this is gonna be depressing as fuck cause its meant to just be where i dump/ramble about shit to get it off my chest to maybe help myself get over things. so fuck it. your warned. 

im conf. i work a midnight shift stocking at walmart, and im a fan of almost everything, i say that not exaggerating. yogscast, rooster teeth, a lot of anime and tv shows, cartoons like adventure time, rick and morty, all kind of shit. im into every fandom in at least a small way. 

i used to pride myself in being easy going and care free, but well, b ythe paragraphs above you can probably guess thats all gone tits up. i started playing on a mianite fan server after binging 40 hours of streams in 3 days. there i met someone ill just call Red. no relation to name or usernames. we were put in some tough spots together due to some shit that went down story wise, with us robbing the most powerful players in the server of over 800 hours of grinded items. these tight spots facilitated a need for direct communication, so we started skyping and shit and talking for like 10 hours a day. that kind of lead to us both getting crushes on one another but we were too dumb to say anything. 

i let it sit too long and she moved on, which fucked me up a lot, but fuckin life so i tried moving on too. thats when i met someone ill call Ears, again no relaion to name or username. she had a crush on me that i didnt know about for ages cause im dense as fuck, but eventually with help from Red she set up an elaborate item hunt to reveal it to me, and we started dating. was awesom, i was starting to feel like my old self again, we talked for 10-ish hours a day every day for almost 9 months straight, we never fought, we always got along and had the same interests and sense of humor. 

i was going through a rough patch because my grandma died, and i stopped talking to her at all for around a month. i was just not interested in anything at all for that time, games, youtube, movies, anything. we started talking again, but i had a feeling things were just, not going well. i found out she had erped with a few people, which, we played on an RP server so its like, all IC and its multiplayer lego so who cares, but it kind of ate at me. i convinced myself it was stupid and trivial an that i had no right be to upset over it, which was a bad move, it made things so much worse. i kept up the act mostly though, acting like i was fine. but it all went to shit at once, she broke up with me out of the blue (it felt like), a bunch of friends destroyed all my work and left, telling me to kill myself and shit repeatedly, everythign just fell apart. 

i held on, rebuilding more out of spite than anything, but once that wore off i was just left kind of mechanical. i did my usual things, continued working o nthe server, but it was hollow. i stayed that way for about 6 months, but eventually Ears came back, she had genuinly missed me and wanted to get back together aftersome time just talking and being social again. i had internalized too much shit over the last 8 months though, i was a bit of a wreck. i kept up the illusion of happiness still, but i could never make myself break down and tell her.

i finally did start to really let it g othough. my constant doubts about not being good enough, or that shewould leave again faded until i had convinced myself everything was back to how it had been. then of course life has to come in and kick me in the dick. she left me again, it wasnt as bad this time though, we are still friends even now, though i still cant make myself open up about any of this. but it was like the rug was pulled out from under me as i was just getting my footing. and it fucking sucks. 

its been another 6 motnhs and im still, a mess. normally with these things, its in waves. so ill be depressed then fine then depressed then fine etc. it slowly gets better. this time its kind of just, slowly gotten worse to the point that im like, really fucking bad off. i cant hold conversations for more thn a few minutes, i space out, i dont eat, or sleep.. the only thing ive eaten in the last, 50 hours ish, is a small bowl of reheated chicken noodle and 3 hershey’s kisses. 

every time istart feeling better i randomly just become even worse than i was before, ive like, thought about how i could probably OD on ibuprofen and nobody would find me for a day or so.  had to put real effort into, not..

i just, wanted to... do this because i feel like putting things out there in writing can help. can make it feel like ive vented even if noboy hears. i can just scream into the void and fucking hope it works. or some edgy shit. 

ive got no motivation to do literally anything so im like fucking willing to try literllally fucking anything. 

fuck me, thats the story so far. catchy upy venty bullshit. i just want to go back to how i was before. cause fuck this this sucks. 

-conf