#as a pantser it's almost integral sometimes to have people tell YOU what they think your work is...

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

harrison braindump on main but i'm revising the BB ch. 2 bathroom scene between him and suz for a class and something my prof mentioned to me in office hours has TOTALLY skewed the way I see that scene (in a great way).

they mentioned (more or less) that suz is entering this scene with an understanding that her son is humiliating her, which I think is so fascinating. they had pointed out this image of pool water being tracked alllll through a rich person's house (messing with the hardwood, staining the carpets, etc) and how that's such a... defeating moment for suz as a mother.

this was kind of a brainwave for me because a) I'd never thought of that even though duh (I mean... imagine your disaster 21-year-old child breaks into someone's house and floats in their pool fully-clothed and then is caught by the owners who pity him and call YOU instead of the police) and b) it's such an interesting reveal of a theme I hadn't even considered in BODY BACK--humiliation--and what it means to be humiliated and also humiliate someone else.

this whoooole book is a giant humiliation! for suz, she's totally getting the fact that she's not been a great mother thrown into her face--which is hard for her to accept because she's trying now (the question for her becomes: is it too late?). for harrison, he's experienced soooo much humiliation in his relationship with lonan & of course in his relationship with suz when he was a child, and now he's projecting all of that back onto her.

this scene is such a pain to edit--I didn't even like it when I shared some excerpts in my update--but something about my prof basically saying, 'if she enters it with a sense he’s humiliating her, that’s strong fuel,' revealed something deeply complex about BB to me... what does it mean to experience humiliation when you've been humiliated so many times, and what does it mean to almost carnally desire to humiliate those who've also hurt you?

that question, I think, has driven harrison to where he is now (24-karat territory) where his entire persona atm is quite humiliating (also cool but mostly humiliating lol). he's almost... desperately accepting that humiliation in fear that if he doesn't, it'll make him VERY aware of his vulnerability.

which... this gets even more interesting when we remember that in feeding habits, humiliation is a big theme for LONAN, so much so that harrison even notices it in narrative.

and then also to remember this chapter is ALLL about mary & jesus as much as it is about suz & harrison... and THEN to remember that when young jesus terrifies the living shit out of his mother by staying back in jerusalem, the first thing he says to her when she asks him "why did you do this, you scared me" could be interpreted as humiliating (he basically goes "why were you even worried, didn't you just KNOW I'd be in my father's house??")... like damn HAHA

#anyway it was terrifying to have other people read this #especially because I already: didn't like it #but wow actually editing your writing can make it better when u didn't initially like it??? #a CONCEPT #I wish I'd had more opportunities to talk through my work like this #as a pantser it's almost integral sometimes to have people tell YOU what they think your work is... #perhaps it's just me but most of the time??? intention is deeply subconscious #but having this scene explained to me?? i was like... wow I did something LMAO #need to do some more literary analysis on my writing tho actually i'm fantastic??? somehow??? HAHAHAHA #anyway harrison is so interesting i need to poke at him like he's the operation boardgame man