#anyway it was terrifying to have other people read this

[gabriellaeva2005]

I really cannot express how much this piece of work means to me! As corny as it sounds I really found this story at the perfect point in my life, I initially started reading the impulse 1995 comics when I was 14 and I ended up falling upon this story when I was 17 I just immediately fell in love! The concept was so creative and fit into the pre-existing plot line perfectly! All the new characters are so enjoyable to read, Nathaniel and Jude have such a wonderful and also sad dynamic, as a twin my self every scene with them just really hit me in the heart! Six especially in the first several chapters was so comically annoying and clearly insecure, in a way that I think a lot of us can relate to, one way or another especially when we got to here is internal monologue, I’ve always been a sucker for the asshole character with an air of insouciance and superiority, who by the end of the story, just ends up being a pretty all right guy! And Five oh my god five! I love this guy so much! he’s just so genuine and someone who clearly cares deeply, and him being technically the physically oldest in the room, but also being the one with the least amount of experience is a very literal take on an experience I think a lot of people have felt, myself included, And I think we all know I’m a Three apologist, his whole story is just so devastating and haunting, part of me is always rooting for him, whilst also being terrified for what he might do to the other characters, there is so much complexity with his relationships with the other characters, such as five and four, every time theirs a seen with three and four the writing always makes me feel so on edge and is really able to puts me in three’s shoes! And god! The way three and five interact is so sweet and sad there relationship is just too much! The last chapter absolutely destroyed me!! And Bart and Thad are so perfectly characterized it truly just feels like a natural progression of their characters, the way they both are just really struggling to deal with the inevitability of change hit me so hard, like I said I started reading the impulse comics when I was 14 so these characters have such a place in my heart, so now being able to read about them going through these struggles, when I was also experiencing a lot of change, is such a comfort to me, it was like in a way these characters got older with me, and you know it’s always nice to see some of your childhood characters going through the same stuff as you, currently being a slightly terrified 18 year old, it was great to be able to read about two other slightly terrified 18 year olds, anyways I wanted to post some of my sketches from the past few weeks, and don’t worry there are definitely more to come cause I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop drawing these guys!

@cryptocism you really sent me on a journey, thank you for that!💖💖

#dc fanart #digital illustration #frequency #my art #art #bart allen #frequency fic fanart #impulse 1995 #thad thawne #I really can’t express how much I love the way the story ended #it was just such a wonderful conclusion for a character that unfortunately didn’t get that in canon #Also I hope you all enjoy my silly emotional support playlist #the over the hedge soundtrack is elite I stand by that #same goes for the meet the Robinson soundtrack that stuff is fire

[txttletale]

could you elaborate on your thoughts on boom and 73 yards ( i agree with you i am just struggling to put into words why.)

boom was whatever. the initial conceit of the doctor being trapped and having to stay calm was really cool! i really like that. the ambulances that euthanize you if you're not deemed worthy of medical care and the tacky chatgpt hologram ghosts were both really cool ideas. it just doesn't stick the landing for me, the twists are contrived and fall apart given any thought whatsoever. like what the fuck were any of the soldiers Doing if there just straight up weren't any enemies. it's a twist that sounds cool to say more than it has any meaningful impact on the story or the stakes. i guess 'the arms manuifacturer created a fake conflict' is the intended emtional stakes there but that would hit like a hundred times harder if it was an actual conflict between two factions and people were dying, right? like if anything sending a christian militia to blow themselves up tae fuck on a nowhere planet instead of presumably killing actual living people is an improvement, surely?

also the resolution was dumb as fuck lol i am a huge hater of power of love saves the day shit not because i'm a cynical misanthrope but because it never fails to make me say 'oh so i guess nobody ever loved anybody before lol' and this is no exception like if one chatbot can shut down the whole operation beacuse he loves his daughter are we meant to believe that no other parents or hell nobody who loved anybody else for any reason died in this fake war before? it's cheap and schmaltzy and unearned. anyway the first twentyish minutes of this are all-time great doctor who and gatwa/gibson were incredible in it but it absolutely falls apart into a confused pileo f some of the worst Moffatisms at the end

73 yards on the other hand was incredible! obviously like it requires you to approach it with a different mindset to most of doctor who, right, doctor who usually furnishes you with the big explanation scnee where the doctor says 'well the ghosts were actually particle wave vectorforms created with the necros radiation from the god-king's techsceptre' or whatever--this is the usual narrative mode of sci-fi--but 73 yards is fantasy, right, this is the twilight zone, this is 'wouldn't that be fucked up?'. i interrogate the technical and logical specifics of boom so much when i think about it because that's the language boom is speaking, boom is framing itself within this logical, a-to-b worldview, the satisfying click-together puzzlebox. but 73 yards is a nightmare or a folk tale, right? kate stewart¹ says it herself, 'when faced with the inexplicable, we make up rules and apply them to it'.

so yknow reading it that way it all clicks together beautifully, right, (apart from russel t davies' embarassing swing and miss at Political Commentary in the middle. we get it davies you wrote years and years. we know. trust me we know). the doctor and ruby disrupt the binding circle, free mad jack, and are punished -- the doctor, as perpetrator, with being banished (perhaps in jack's place) and ruby with her worst fear coming true constantly, until ruby defeats mad jack, re-sealing him and fixing what she broke, at which point the circle rewards her by reversing the punishments. and the core horror i think is very effective and unsettling! the idea that there is something that someone could say to turn everyone against you, the closest people to you in your life, your own family, the institutions that are meant to deal with the exact problem you're having--that's fucking terrifying! and yknow i think especially as an autistic trans lesbian something that speaks to me a lot

so yeah. i think that boom establishes its logics and framework and then trips and falls onto its face while 73 yards does the same and then makes perfect use of them. that said i think in 20 years people who are autistic about doctor who will be like 'did you know in the 2020s there were two episodes in a row where the doctor caused the entire plot to happen by stepping on something' and thjatll be the main thing they're remembered for

#ask #doctor who

[richincolor]

Book Review of A Crane Among Wolves by June Hur (허주은)

Summary: Hope is dangerous. Love is deadly.

1506, Joseon. The people suffer under the cruel reign of the tyrant King Yeonsan, powerless to stop him from commandeering their land for his recreational use, banning and burning books, and kidnapping and horrifically abusing women and girls as his personal playthings.

Seventeen-year-old Iseul has lived a sheltered, privileged life despite the kingdom’s turmoil. When her older sister, Suyeon, becomes the king’s latest prey, Iseul leaves the relative safety of her village, traveling through forbidden territory to reach the capital in hopes of stealing her sister back. But she soon discovers the king’s power is absolute, and to challenge his rule is to court certain death.

Prince Daehyun has lived his whole life in the terrifying shadow of his despicable half-brother, the king. Forced to watch King Yeonsan flaunt his predation through executions and rampant abuse of the common folk, Daehyun aches to find a way to dethrone his half-brother once and for all. When staging a coup, failure is fatal, and he’ll need help to pull it off—but there’s no way to know who he can trust.

When Iseul's and Daehyun's fates collide, their contempt for each other is transcended only by their mutual hate for the king. Armed with Iseul’s family connections and Daehyun’s royal access, they reluctantly join forces to launch the riskiest gamble the kingdom has ever seen:

Save her sister. Free the people. Destroy a tyrant.

Review: [Cruel tyrant is not an exaggeration so there is a content warning in the author's note that indicates the following: rape (mentioned), sexual abuse, misogyny, kidnapping women and girls, sex trafficking, incest (mentioned), violence, murder, animal cruelty, suicide (mentioned), infanticide (mentioned), psychological trauma, and panic attacks.]

Though this story is fiction, the setting and King Yeonsan are part of actual history. June Hur has not tidied up his tyrannical behavior so there are a lot of atrocities to witness in Iseul and Daehyun's path. This does make for a difficult read, but there is also love and strength that shine through. The dedication says, "To those who have dared to be a beacon of light in the bleakest of moments." There are numerous characters who are that light for others and even in the midst of so much awfulness, there is hope. That's what kept me reading.

Iseul's life has turned upside down and she has realized that she had taken her sister for granted. She is out on her own for the first time and is making brave and rash decisions because she seemingly is unaware of how truly risky and deadly her choices might be. Watching some of her actions is hard, but as she stumbles and begins to find her feet, she is also making connections with some folks who are those beacons of light.

It is equally troubling to watch Daehyun make decisions when there really are no  actions to choose that feel truly right. My heart was with both of them knowing that they really were doing the best with their circumstances even when there were no good options. And even when they pick a way that seems best, there is endless frustration as they continue to face horrifying loss and disappointment. Many characters in this story, in addition to so many Korean people in that time period,  dealt with a feeling encompassed in the word han. In the book it's described as the "feeling of outrage, the vicious urge for vengeance to right the wrong, pierced by the acute pain and grief of knowing our overwhelming odds at ever claiming justice."

Yes, the odds seem overwhelming, but Iseul, Daehyun and their allies continue to fight, sacrifice, and are willing to give their all to try anyway. They are all inspired by the Korean people, their families, loved ones, and the hope of creating a more peaceful place for all. Some of these allies are so wonderful and even though they are side characters, they managed to worm their way into my heart too. In the midst of all of the effort of so many people, there are also intrigues and mysteries to puzzle out so it's definitely a page turner.

Recommendation: Get it now. For those who watch historical K-dramas already, this will definitely be a must read. For others, this will appeal to anyone who enjoys history with some romance and political intrigue. Though it shows a lot of trauma and hardship, June Hur also provided characters that will touch hearts and stay with readers for a long time to come.

Extras:

Publisher: Feiwel & Friends Pages: 368 Review copy: Digital ARC via publisher Availability: On shelves now

#young adult books #yalit #book review #historical #korea #Youtube

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

harrison braindump on main but i'm revising the BB ch. 2 bathroom scene between him and suz for a class and something my prof mentioned to me in office hours has TOTALLY skewed the way I see that scene (in a great way).

they mentioned (more or less) that suz is entering this scene with an understanding that her son is humiliating her, which I think is so fascinating. they had pointed out this image of pool water being tracked alllll through a rich person's house (messing with the hardwood, staining the carpets, etc) and how that's such a... defeating moment for suz as a mother.

this was kind of a brainwave for me because a) I'd never thought of that even though duh (I mean... imagine your disaster 21-year-old child breaks into someone's house and floats in their pool fully-clothed and then is caught by the owners who pity him and call YOU instead of the police) and b) it's such an interesting reveal of a theme I hadn't even considered in BODY BACK--humiliation--and what it means to be humiliated and also humiliate someone else.

this whoooole book is a giant humiliation! for suz, she's totally getting the fact that she's not been a great mother thrown into her face--which is hard for her to accept because she's trying now (the question for her becomes: is it too late?). for harrison, he's experienced soooo much humiliation in his relationship with lonan & of course in his relationship with suz when he was a child, and now he's projecting all of that back onto her.

this scene is such a pain to edit--I didn't even like it when I shared some excerpts in my update--but something about my prof basically saying, 'if she enters it with a sense he’s humiliating her, that’s strong fuel,' revealed something deeply complex about BB to me... what does it mean to experience humiliation when you've been humiliated so many times, and what does it mean to almost carnally desire to humiliate those who've also hurt you?

that question, I think, has driven harrison to where he is now (24-karat territory) where his entire persona atm is quite humiliating (also cool but mostly humiliating lol). he's almost... desperately accepting that humiliation in fear that if he doesn't, it'll make him VERY aware of his vulnerability.

which... this gets even more interesting when we remember that in feeding habits, humiliation is a big theme for LONAN, so much so that harrison even notices it in narrative.

and then also to remember this chapter is ALLL about mary & jesus as much as it is about suz & harrison... and THEN to remember that when young jesus terrifies the living shit out of his mother by staying back in jerusalem, the first thing he says to her when she asks him "why did you do this, you scared me" could be interpreted as humiliating (he basically goes "why were you even worried, didn't you just KNOW I'd be in my father's house??")... like damn HAHA

#anyway it was terrifying to have other people read this #especially because I already: didn't like it #but wow actually editing your writing can make it better when u didn't initially like it??? #a CONCEPT #I wish I'd had more opportunities to talk through my work like this #as a pantser it's almost integral sometimes to have people tell YOU what they think your work is... #perhaps it's just me but most of the time??? intention is deeply subconscious #but having this scene explained to me?? i was like... wow I did something LMAO #need to do some more literary analysis on my writing tho actually i'm fantastic??? somehow??? HAHAHAHA #anyway harrison is so interesting i need to poke at him like he's the operation boardgame man

[aptericia]

maybe this a strange thing to get hung up on but like. I can’t be the only one who subconsciously texts my friends a bit more professionally after writing a long email to my professor. Or whose internal monologue temporarily changes to sound like that YouTuber I just binged for 3 hours. Or who acts a little more excited and dramatic after watching an action movie. It’s normal to pick up patterns from other people and situations, right?? Why do my friends act so surpised when I start acting more like them, or tell me I “shouldn’t change who I am”? Like buddy. In NO social interaction am I presenting the Real Me. And besides that, you’re an important part of my life—why would it be so weird to be influenced by you? I don’t like being thought of as Weird or Not Genuine just because I do something differently from your previous expectations of me.

#personal #tbh most of the comments I get abt this are observations (like “when did you pick up that phrase??”) not judgy #but what really got me into this line of thinking was a comment from a friend about a year-ish ago? #she told me “you act so weird when you’re around [mutual friend of ours]. It’s like your whole personality changes.” #and I said “haha yeah well you two are pretty different from each other and I guess I tend to subconsciously act like the people I’m around #and she was like “yeah ik what you mean. I try not to do that” #which now that I write it… she technically said nothing about me #anyway I just. idk. so much of my comfort in social situations stems from being able to act like a part of the community #which I assumed meant act similar to them. but after that exchange it felt like it was more about what they already expected of me #which is absolutely terrifying because I can’t read their minds and CANNOT KNOW what expectations they have #I should probably get over that convo from a year ago like ik most people don’t think that way #but it really worsened my anxiety #anyway thx for reading now please forget I ever posted this #ramblings

[whentherewerebicycles]

i really and truly believe that there are only two genuine human superpowers, both of which can be actively cultivated:

the ability to find anything interesting, ie the ability to reframe and reflect on any situation or encounter, even/especially negative or boring ones, so as to make what is happening to you interesting, engaging, and personally meaningful to your human experience. this habit of mind is mostly curiosity but it's also woven through with psychological flexibility, especially the ability to regulate your own emotional reactions so that you can respond to challenging or tedious situations in more thoughtful and values-aligned ways that develop your sense of self instead of making you feel trapped or bored or fragmented

the ability to teach yourself new things. idk maybe as a teacher i am biased but i really believe that the single most transformative gift you can give any human being is a deep understanding of how people learn and improve at things. what is more hopeful, more inspiring, or more life-affirming than the realization that you can learn new things at any age, and that the new things you learn (plus the joyful process of learning itself!) can utterly transform the way you experience the world and understand yourself? what is more amazing or incredible than the realization that learning things is not a mysterious & passive process that happens to you but a reasonably consistent set of steps and tools that you can learn how to master and apply to virtually any skill or domain of human knowledge? the superpower of being able to learn/improve at anything you set your mind to… but also the superpower inherent in that quiet unwavering certainty that even if you feel stuck at various points in your life, you have within yourself the capacity to get unstuck through learning and changing and growing and experiencing new things. wowowowowowowow!!!!! what an extraordinary gift!!!!

#i did a classroom observation this week #in a mid-level environmental science research methods course #and at other points in my life i would've been either bored stiff by this experience or terrified because Science Is Hard #and I Am Humanities Person Cannot Do Science #but i actually found myself getting really fascinated by some of the stuff they were doing #i think combined with all the scientific studies i've been reading over the past six months related to fertility stuff #and i was like oh wait like #i could see myself going back and doing a bachelor's degree in a science field #like yeah this is unfamiliar to me & i have a lot of baggage around being Bad at STEM #but actually through doing lots of work with researchers & learning how research works in my own field #i think i've absorbed an understanding of some of the habits of mind science values #and i feel confident enough in my understanding of how people learn new things #that i bet i could apply that knowledge to learning disciplines that previously seemed Off Limits to me #anyway idk just #what a joy it is to be a thinking learning human in the world #how lucky are we!!!!!

[themyscirah]

Istg I haven't written since MIDDLE SCHOOL why do I keep getting bombarded with good ideas that I only I can write 😭😭😭😭😭

#just had a bunch of ideas to fix the yellow lantern jess concept and have it function as a concrete and vital step in her character arc #(of the same importance of power ring) #and just like the image of a scene where the sinestro corps is attacking a planet for some reason or another inspiring fear (and maybe for a #decent reason bc jess needs SOME motive to stay with them but STILL fear bad) #and shes trying to make them stop but theyre not stopping. and then the GLC shows up and starts fighting the YLC. #and jess is trying to get it to stop but no one is listening to her #like none of the earth lanterns are there no kne she knows #although maybe arisia and other gls WE know pretty well are there. i think arisia should get to go one on one w sinestro as leaders of both #forces. ANYWAYS jess is trying to get it to stop and protect the people (who are TERRIFIED of her) but no one is stopping #anyways something something green lanterns are dying and instead of going out into space their rings start going towards jess #like it starts with just one and shes shocked then two then three and she starts talking with them denying her place with them until its a #whole CLOUD of rings (uhhh nevermind the corps just dying here sorry 😬. no one we care abt though) #anyways and then something buzzes and ripples from underneath her suit #she lets it free and its HER ring tied around her neck #and shes like not you too and the ring is like yes me too and says its not about not being afraid its about OVERCOMING fear #and just like idk. i could fix her (yellow lantern jess arc) #dc hire me asap #hopefully this makes sense. again i have not read those comics yet other than a good amt of panels BUT #im reading her power ring era right now and like... its all coming together #anyways anyways thinking about jess a LOT tonight #95% of those posts are in my drafts though #including my super long YL!Jess character arc meta which this is deeply related too #but we're not talking abt that right now swishy!!!! you are SUPPOSED to be doing your spanish project due tomorrow at midnight which you #have barely started!!!! #its study time not superhero plot bunny time!!!!! #blah #swishy writing #swishy aus #nothing in the post itself but the tags deserve these tags

[crossbackpoke-check]

Oh these all look so lovely. May i ask about good dog bad dream for WIP files?

of course!!! 🥰💕 i answered a little bit about it here, but this is one of the tag stories i really, REALLY want to actually become a fic so i did promise a little snippet of the 2K that is done:

Things that Dylan should do: turn off the light, shut the door, walk back inside to the rumpled sheets still warm from when he left them to grab a glass of water. Leave the creature outside to the lightning bugs and the quarter moon and the shifting shadows of the woods along the gap-toothed fenceline of his yard, and then come out in the morning to nothing more than a paw print and the clean reassurance of sunlight to tell him nobody’s there, to ignore the prickle of discomfort that shivers its way across his body as goosebumps and raised hairs when he thinks about turning his back on the memory of those red eyes.

Things that Dylan does instead: whistle.

#the two moods of just: #HI THIS IS TERRIFYING 😭 i think this is the first time i have a) shared something in progress and b) shared something that is like. real fic #and then also: #YAY TYSM FOR ASKING 😭😭😭 me rn just like 🥹🥺🥰💕✨‼️☺️ you want to hear about my fic??? #ALSO ALSO ALSO. i forgot to mention in the last post my formative m*ggie st*efvater influences growing up (read shiver) & seeing the video #on twitter the other day of them actually starting to film??? for a shiver tv show/movie??? made me be like OH GOD I HAVE TO ACTUALLY WRITE #(also a devastating notesapp sentence i have written down that i said prior to the bertuzzi trade but you know it’s fine i’m fine) #liv in the replies #also i work so much better FOR things (creating for people etc) akdjskdjak so i’m just like. who wants to beta read now #so that i have to write in order to not disappoint you is this not what beta readers are for #other tag stories i also want to become fics (and technically could have listed since their docs are me stealing tags & accumulating them: #pk carey ​lonesome cowboy au / the vestigial old gods detroit au / jackty the breakup / catch carter faerie prince) #tyler borzoituzzi #anyWAY. the absolute poetic justice of me sitting on these two asks for like. days bc busy and then coming to tumblr & IMMEDIATELY seeing #a post and going TYLER BORZOITUZZI about it i can’t explain to you how hard i’m laughing akdhskdjaksj #also yes i DID write another 300 words so i could say 2k in this post instead of 1.7k we love to be a stubborn taurus rising l m a o #wip ask game

[pussy-ache]

#bpd #could be trauma. could be an overproduction of cortisol affecting my pituitary gland #and it’s a catch 22 for me because (if i truly have BPD) i can’t accurately assess my behaviors #like. i’d like to THINK i’m not a manipulative person but what if i am? how can i trust that i haven’t been fooling myself? #and hurting other people in the process? #but i also don’t like being the center of attention. but maybe i’m manipulative in worse ways #i also fit everything for regular BPD. not just the impulsive subtype #like i do actually believe i have this the vast majority of the time. there’s just not much that can be done #it’s like … ‘’here’s this awful terrible personality disorder. you got it. it’s a list of shit that makes you an awful person. have fun!’’ #like it’s not something that i can personally investigate very often #so many studies i’ve read conclude with shit like ‘’yea this group of people sucks just like we thought. can’t trust them & there’s no cure #and i’m terrified to even ask for medical help anyway cuz it’s also one of the most stigmatized mental disorders to be diagnosed with #right up there on the same level of stigmitization that schizophrenia gets — which also runs in my family incidentally #and my family members who developed it did so in their 30s-50s …. symptoms didn’t start until super late #consistently afraid of my own mind and personality with nowhere to turn. i can’t subject that on anyone. #which proves the inabilily to retain long lasting meaningful relationships correct #i have a history of dipping early #and i’ve been called cold and distant in a relationship. i retain too much independence. #superficial stings a little #all my life it’s like ‘’wow i feel a lot. i might be an empath’’ #and in reality it’s ‘’no actually. i have a personality disorder that amounts to me being an overbearing crappy person that feels a lot.’’ #here’s some studies that prove that #i’m just a very. very. very. tired person #sigh

[variousqueerthings]

obsessively detailed DNIs and lack of good faith reading of strangers' words and discussing the rights to exclude xyz for being too weird for your (public) space and this person reblogged a post from a person who follows a person who follows a person who's suspect and righteous anger over any and every misstep of performance and waiting to catch people out and complete lack of trust and...

are you guys... happy?

do you have people around you that form a community? people who aren't carbon copies of yourself or online yes men? do you know people who aren't your age/gender/race/ethnicity/body/brain/don't have the same financial background, educational story, etc?

not all of these all at once all at the same time, but do you go outside your head, is what I mean?

do you remember that other people are people? have you had the opportunity to train yourself to have grace for the fact that everyone has faults and blindspots and perspectives that come from a life led differently, and that to hear and take in those differences make you richer, more understanding, less shut off?

are you able to discuss things while understanding that there is a middle ground? do you think anger and despair are the only emotions worth accessing in order to be a "good" person?

do you have people around you that aren't like you?

are you happy?

#happy pride #idk im preaching to the choir here im sure #but over the last year ive been trying to follow people in communities that i am a part of and/or want to support #and it seems like they're 1. online all the time 2. angry in ways that lead nowhere 3. quite young? #and im thinking back to me 10 years ago and i was SO angry and so isolated and so terrified of other people #and it wasnt as bad to be online then as it is now in terms of You Have To Prove Yourself Worthy And Flagellate Constantly #ive had to unfollow practically every one of those blogs and not because i dont feel warm towards the people who run them #but it's not activism and it's not good for you #also i have looked at exactly 2 dnis out of interest and i understood like... half the words/abbreviations #they're really not a useful tool and they don't appear to be for anyone but a small crowd who understand them anyway? #and even then i think they're more for people who understand and DO agree than those who don't who Will Not Care #anyway..... wheres that post about *this pride get out of your head* yes! #also idk if this needs to be said but im not saying *talk to a violent extremist who wants you dead today* #(and if you believe that then see the bit about *lack of good faith reading*) #also tbh i did one time reach out to someone and go *hey this post is deeeeply dogwhistly* but tbh that was more about like #*i think ace people are gonna look at that post and literally read it as hate it's that surface level #and you probably don't want that reaction* #but checking back and back and back on post origins idk... i think we're using dogwhistles a little too liberally sometimes

[hypnowave]

making proportional, neatly lined, colored and shaded art pieces of my original characters is not enough i need to vomit brightly colored paint all over cheap art store canvasses & make 7 billion wonky clay pots that will explode in the kiln & weave ropes into intricate macrame textiles just to set them on fire & sew together unsightly clothing articles of clashing patterns and textures & make handmade recycled paper & build wooden plane miniatures while trying not to choke on wood chips

#jun.log #things i need to bring up to my therapist: #hi i need to create because i can't just have my feelings burst out of my ribcage like the chestburster in Alien (1979) #if anyone's reading this: Hello. i hate being perceived. i also hate my art being perceived by people unless i deliberately show them. #i'm this close to deleting my art blog and nuking my toyhou.se account #i hate having my work out in the open because it makes me feel as though others expect consistency from me in terms of style and quality #and it makes me feel paralyzed and terrified of ever creating again #i haven't felt genuine fulfillment in finished art in so long #the art i do in the meantime is a panacea but at the same time it is not enough. it does not grant me the happiness i need to heal #i wish i never showed people my art i wish i never told people i was an artist #i want to drop off the face of the earth in the hopes that maybe i can find joy in tying together flower stems or painting a night sky #as much as i love external validation i feel afraid that even my most loved ones will secretly hate me if my art devolves #i am not allowed to regress or make mistakes because in the past that has been used to hurt me . it has been weaponized against me #anyways. wow this is embarrassing #sorry. ill be normal tomorrow

[hua-fei-hua]

*lying in the dirt staring at the starry night sky* i think the secret to maintaining a good name online is to simply not share personal information, block the haters n libelers, and have a social life outside the internet

#and also to not make 'discourse' your personality bc god knows we have enough bitches in fandom milk-fed on internet discourse #in other words i'm having thoughts on big name fan...hood? -ishness? i'm not sure but anyway That and how it's dehumanizing #there's an essay from 2006 i'm rereading (i will clarify that i did not read it in 2006. i did not have access to the internet in 2006) #about why no one ever wants to admit they're a big name fan; as written by someone who has come to terms w/their bnf status #and it's got this kind of tongue-in-cheek vibe to it and the advice it gives; like it was written by someone completely exhausted by it #or who has seen what it does to a person firsthand and needs to vent about it while also making sure people take it seriously #i want to say it's almost like that kind of dire gallows humor where you know no matter what you say you Will have haters on your ass #it sounds vain to say that i was ever a bnf anywhere. but i can't say i never had a name at all anywhere #and watching that buildup towards what seemed like an inevitable fate as a bnf someday in some fandom soon #it's part of the complex cocktail that motivates my anonymity in gnshn #bc i've had my ideas treated as untouchable; my writing treated as The Way to present a premise (both accounts towards orchid) #i'm glad i've never had like. a parasocial experience or anything where in trying to compliment my writing they compliment my person instead #the uncertainty of my person that comes w/anonymity is such a reprieve tho. to draw attn when i deliberately play down anything #that i feel might bring it makes what i receive more earned n more focused on what i want to talk abt (the writing) #there are def some things that can only be understood through time and watching your own history grow n build n connect w/others #until you are suddenly made acutely aware that you do not exist in a vacuum is one of them #and i understand the urge to cut most if not all of it away and start anew bc that *is* terrifying in all honesty #花話

[iguinn]

honestly this is going to be controversial but after our dad told us quite a few stories about smaller dog actively trying to provoke and bite his lab mix (uve heard of him) to the point an incident happened that made him way more on edge around other dogs since... we think that we need to start to be more critical of small dog owners who dont train them because if a big lab mix like our sweet big boy meant to actually hurt their dog for growling and trying to attack him trust us we would not let our sweet boy be put down because some idiot did not train their dog to not actively attack other dogs because they think its ok cause their dog is small. train ur small dog cause even a generally gentle and well trained bigger dog (like our dad's lab mix) can snap if provoked enough.

#canções do rei #sorry were fuming about what our dad told us about this guy just letting his three smaller dogs try to gang up on our sweet big boy #now hes way more skittish around other dogs and bit two one today #and no none of those two dogs got hurt he just grabbed them and shook them then dropped them #we know its a trauma response and want to work through it #for his safety and the safety of other dogs #but its awful to think that it all goes back to one guy who didnt train his dogs and just expected ours to be calm all through all that #even tho the poor thing was terrified according to our dad who was there #idk its just frustrating to see how this guy's neglect of his dogs affected our dog by traumatizing him #we will delete this later #and if u read this: dont u fucking dare say anything mean about our lab mix hes been sweet to everyone including all other dogs #even ones that were mean to him up until that incident him becoming more aggressive as a trauma response isnt his fault #and we want to put him in a dog hotel that has trainers for a bit to see if we can at least find a management plan for this issue #why a dog hotel? cheaper than hiring a trainer to go home #plus we can visit him there anyway if he needs us for comfort if hes nervous #hes still very good with people just more on edge with other dogs so having trainers who know better how to deal with this around will help #hopefully

[thewickerking]

OK SO. EPIC WIN! SOUND HAS CEASED!! its on and off and idk if ill hear it again tonight (please i hope not) but it is GONE i am COMFY in BED. my phone DIED but thats ok shes at 3$ now and plugged in so shes going up :)

#updates on my last posts tags: i dont like actually see spiders i just see movement out of the corner of my eye that isnt there and then my #brain always categorizes it as spiders and its nearly never spiders but it makes me rlly on edge and scared 4 no reason #itll just like be a little black blur out of focus (when theres genuinely nothing there other than like. my white sink or bathtub) and my #brain is like 'ah oh no spider' and my pulse quickens and i get scared and think its gonna kill me cause im sooo normal btw #i joke abt being scared of spiders n stuff but theres genuinely terrifying to me and have given me super bad panic attacls : #anyways. #erm abt the last thing abt Bad Sounds ik its probably a symptom of something but i havent heard of anything that sounds right except maybe #overstimulation but very rarely feel overstimulated im usually very understimulated and its not that theres too many sounds its just theres #one really bad one that sets me off like weird random things like snoring and certain dripping faucets and breathing and like. certain ways #people brush their hands together when they have something on them but they do it for too long and the sound is horrible but subtle #and also certain times people are tapping against fabric like. stuff that ppl overlook and u can barely hear but it drives me off the walls #like idk what common thread they have other than NORMAL EXISTING HUMAN SOUNDS but like. idk if pain is the right word to describe it but #its genuinely something physically pain adjacent like. tension. like when u pull a rubber band super far apart and it cant fucking #stay like that like cmon it hurts it needs to snap please let it out. but letting it out is like. erm. not good and if the sound doesnt end #after u let it out like it didnt do anything it just goes back. ough idk idk idk. i used to not tell anyone this stuff cause i mostly did l #it at night and i think ppl will say im exaggerating and faking cause they dont witness it and my mother doesnt do it i think so its not an #acceptable form of mental illness /s but like genuinely i dont feel like im allowed to mention it but whatever!!! #anyways this is rlly long if u read it. hi. i love u. i hope u have a good day/ #night also hmu if u know what whatever this is called i wanna talk about it in therapy and i think my words dont feel professional enough #ik u shouldnt have to act professional in therapy bur erm. i feel like i need to in some ways its complicated #.ares

[ragazza-paradiso]

not to be cheesy but since it’s past midnight here, it’s officially my 5 year anniversary of getting out of the psychiatric ward. i am not 100% better but i’ve come so far since then. back then i honestly didn’t think i would even be alive in a few years, let alone holding down a full time management job and making plans for my future. i don’t even take any antipsychotics or antidepressants anymore. i know there is always a chance of relapsing and i don’t want to get too ahead of myself but i’m very proud of myself for working hard to get better and actually getting better because of it. the summer of 2017 was the worst time of my whole life but if i can get through that and come out the other side, then i really truly can get through anything else that comes my way. i just need to take it day by day.

#posting on here bc i wanted to write down a few words and nowhere else felt right #i use this as a little version of a scrapbook anyway so why not #lots of people don’t like talking about psychosis and i didn’t even talk about it on here for a loooong time #because it’s one of the scariest things you can go through and unless someone’s also been through it they will never truly understand #how terrifying it is to lose even the certainty of knowing what you’re hearing and seeing is real #other people might look at my life and view it as not much but i never thought i would have this so i have to treasure it #to be able to be there for my best friend and laugh with my sister and take care of my mother and watch my little brother grow up #to be able to travel and dream about the future #it means a lot to me #sorry if this got sappy. it’s half 2 i need to go to bed #but if you read this i love you ❤️

[vaspider]

While I'm writing things that I've been intending to write for a while... one of the things that I think that a lot of people who haven't been involved in like... banking or corporate shenaniganry miss about why our economy is its current flavor of total fuckery is the concept of "fiduciary duty to shareholders."

"Why does every corporation pursue endless growth?" Fiduciary duty to shareholders.

"Why do corporations treat workers the way they do?" Fiduciary duty to shareholders.

"Why do corporations make such bass-ackwards decisions about what's 'good for' the company?" Fiduciary duty to shareholders.

The legal purpose of a corporation with shareholders -- its only true purpose -- is the generation of revenue/returns for shareholders. Period. That's it. Anything else it does is secondary to that. Sustainability of business, treatment of workers, sustainability and quality of product, those things are functionally and legally second to generating revenue for shareholders. Again, period, end of story. There is no other function of a corporation, and all of its extensive legal privileges exist to allow it to do that.

"But Spider," you might say, "that sounds like corporations only exist in current business in order to extract as much money and value as possible from the people actually doing the work and transfer it up to the people who aren't actually doing the work!"

Yes. You are correct. Thank you for coming with me to that realization. You are incredibly smart and also attractive.

You might also say, "but Spider, is this a legal obligation? Could those running a company be held legally responsible for failing their obligations if they prioritize sustainability or quality of product or care of workers above returns for shareholders?"

Yes! They absolutely can! Isn't that terrifying? Also you look great today, you're terribly clever for thinking about these things. The board and officers of a corporation can be held legally responsible to varying degrees for failing to maximize shareholder value.

And that, my friends, is why corporations do things that don't seem to make any fucking sense, and why 'continuous growth' is valued above literally anything else: because it fucking has to be.

If you're thinking that this doesn't sound like a sustainable economic model, you're not alone. People who are much smarter than both of us, and probably nearly as attractive, have written a proposal for how to change corporate law in order to create a more sensible and sustainable economy. This is one of several proposals, and while I don't agree with all of this stuff, I think that reading it will really help people as a springboard to understanding exactly why our economy is as fucked up as it is, and why just saying 'well then don't pursue eternal growth' isn't going to work -- because right now it legally can't. We'd need to change -- and we can change -- the laws around corporate governance.

This concept of 'shareholder primacy' and the fiduciary duty to shareholders is one I had to learn when I was getting my securities licenses, and every time I see people confusedly asking why corporations try to grow grow grow in a way that only makes sense if you're a tumor, I sigh and think, 'yeah, fiduciary duty to shareholders.'

(And this is why Emet and I have refused to seek investors for NK -- we might become beholden to make decisions which maximize investor return, and that would get in the way of being able to fully support our people and our values and say the things we started this company to say.)

Anyway, you should read up on these concepts if you're not familiar. It's pretty eye-opening.