#as a true ex-avatar of khonshu; is constantly suicidal. So maybe his endgame secretly was that his death should serve as the

[porlovistoeinmasochist]

#arthur harrow #I am amused at how doomed he is; which of course is a must for becoming one of my favorites. He said putting glass in my shoes will balance #my scales; will erase my sin. boy did he miscalculate. I am also amused at how much christian his take on penance looks like.opposed to the #idea of being judged by Maat (here Ammit); the idea that it was not possible to be perfect; just balanced.Instead every way penance #atonement-repentance is interpreted; he won't ever get absolution.penance from paenitentia=repentance as the desire to be forgiven; #which he wants. he knows his hope is futile; but he still desires it. He uses the interpretation of penance; as deeds done out of penitence #focusing more on the external actions; than the repentance=referred as the true interior sorrow for one's hurtful words or actions. #He sees his sin as having enjoyed dealing out pain on khonshus behalf; but repentance implies a purpose of amendment which means the #resolve to avoid such hurtful behavior in the future. And boy does he seriously drop the ball on that one; because he still is murdering #his way through his idea of a salvation; for himself and the world at large; even knowing it will end in mass murder. Could he feel #contrition= remorseful or regret as defined as deepest and firmest sorrow for one's wrongdoings. For example after killing the elderly #lady in the alps; he didn't seem to enjoy that killing; but I don't think he regrets it. And goodness do his problems with his take on #penance keep piling up; because it takes two to tango in this guilt and absolution game; a sinner and a god and he is screwed with #any of his gods be it khonshu or ammit. ‘God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance’= goodness of God leads to repentance; #but God’s goodness does not erase his wrath. his gods have wrath to spare; most of all selfishness; pettiness in spades. If his #penance is dependent on the kindness of god we know he is out of luck. Even taking an approach to penances as epitemia which #are given with a therapeutic intent so they are opposite to the sin committed; he is again out of luck. He can't do epitemia in the true #sense of it=which is doing the opposite of his sin. He would need to give up his life for the ones he took.I still believe that he; #as a true ex-avatar of khonshu; is constantly suicidal. So maybe his endgame secretly was that his death should serve as the #last penance. But true epitemia; that is neither a punishment; nor merely a pious action; is specifically aimed at healing the spiritual #ailment that has been confessed; that will be forever out of his reach. Specially because he really has a gift for choosing the gods #he sells himself into slavery for. If it is believed that penance while a duty is first of all a gift from a god=‘no man can do any penance #worthy of God's consideration without his first giving the grace to do so'; it is in this where he again is screwed because he started #the assignment without knowing what it really was. This self imposed penance was without the ‘permission’/order from his #chosen deity; which leaves the god/dess in charge to reject the penance and to happily apply and bend their own rules for what #should constitute his penance=again a servitude without a hope of freedom. Becoming himself a walking reminder to everyone and #mostly to himself that gods are as abusing corrupt and selfish as the evil he wanted to erase and they don’t want penance or #balanced scales. They want tools to do their work = he is screwed because if khonshu doesnt let go of A+ slave material;Ammit isn’t #interested in his atonement or his unbalanced scales for what she sees is his future; she sees a useful servant #and its as easy as this I can reach tag limit in rambling on my favorite subjects guilt imperfect deities and doomed characters