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bluewithpurplepolkadots · 7 years

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Sporking The Half-Blood Prince (2/30)

Chapter 2: Spinner’s End.

In which Bellatrix is a stand in for a passionate fan at a filmed interview and Snape is Rowling’s self insert all while Narcissa desperately tries to help secure her sons’ future at this parent-teacher conference.

Warning: certain things after a Cursed Child rears its ugly head while I read this.

Chapter one: The Other Minister: [here]

Many miles away the chilly mist that had pressed against the Prime Minister's windows drifted over a dirty river that wound between overgrown, rubbish-strewn banks. An immense chimney, relic of a disused mill, reared up, shadowy and ominous. There was no sound apart from the whisper of the black water and no sign of life apart from a scrawny fox that had slunk down the bank to nose hopefully at some old fish-and-chip wrappings in the tall grass.

Overall, I’d say this is kind of a sterotype many have of previous industrial cities. Once a major hub for industry (probably textiles), but now no longer and now it’s ugly and it smells and nothing is invested in. According to google this fictional place is apparently set in the Midlands (Oh hi, I live there currently) so I’m sure all the fans from there can also swell in pride along with everyone who thinks the ‘wretched’ President the muggle prime minister was referring to in the previous chapter was referring to their own. Rowling so loves her fans.

Rowling herself apparently invented a town called Cokeworth for this street to sit in, but since it’s not a name in the books it’s not exactly canon all in all.

And I’m kind of glad, because the chapter never mentions they’re in England either (I guess you can argue the mist but god have we had a lot everywhere this Christmas on both Islands), and there’s a place called Coagh (pronounced ‘Coke’ and I even thought it was spelt like that back then) back in my home country of Northern Ireland. So I’m pretty sure my dyslexic ass would have twisted the name and thought that meant that that all this time Snape sounded a little bit like this:

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And like some people like our accents (for whatever reason) but it certainly means that whole first speech about potions in first year probably sounded less impressive if that was true. “Ensnaring the mind, bewitching the senses, oh god it’s desperate.”

It also sort of sounds like people make or sell cocaine there but whatever.

Still, aw look a fox. I love little urban critters honestly.

Anyway the fox is soon disturbed by its hope for a meal by humans appearing out of nowhere and through its yelp ends up being offed by Bellatrix (who is overly paranoid):

"Just a fox," said a woman's voice dismissively from under the hood. "I thought perhaps an Auror--Cissy, wait!"

(What a horrible nickname to give your sister. So it actually seems like something a sibling would do. Well done Rowling).

Also, given the fact that foxes sound like this:

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It actually says a lot that Bellatrix thinks an Auror, or any human really, sounds like that. She must be used to people barking/screaming at her on sight (which y’know, probably) and running on all fours.

But then I remember animagi exist and the cousin who she killed a few weeks ago here could turn into a dog so it makes a bit more sense. Still, I think my idea works too.

R.I.P dear fox. Hopefully Sirius will be nice to you and not chase you around.

Anyway Narcissa doesn’t have time to contemplate this kind of thing unlike me and could give two fucks about her sister, (and the Dark Lord’s lieutenant), trying to stop her, and while they are siblings it is a little impressive. Especially since Bellatrix later waxes about sacrificing her own hypothetical sons (read: any family member) for the cause and Narcissa probably knows this.

They observe the ugly landscape:

"He lives here?" asked Bella in a voice of contempt. "Here? In this Muggle dunghill? We must be the first of our kind ever to set foot--"

I’d argue the point that Snape living there means that obviously they’re not the first of their ‘kind’ to set foot there but whatever honey. ‘Cissy’ didn’t ask you to come. But before knowing its Snape here the reader may wonder if it’s some Squib or even a muggle they’re meeting but nah. (That would be interesting, well mostly confusing, but yeah.)

Bella starts arguing with her about who she is going to and that they can’t be easily trusted. Cissy fires back that Bella’s (ugh) boyfriend Voldecakes trusts him too but Bella horror of horrors says that she thinks her honeybun might be mistaken on this guy. (Isn’t that sometimes the way? The boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever hates your friends and won’t place nice with them. How rude.)

Narcissa eventually has enough of her sister trying to block her:

"Let go, Bella!" snarled Narcissa, and she drew a wand from beneath her cloak, holding it threateningly in the other's face. Bella merely laughed. "Cissy, your own sister? You wouldn't--" "There is nothing I wouldn't do anymore!" Narcissa breathed, a note of hysteria in her voice, and as she brought down the wand like a knife, there was another flash of light. Bella let go of her sister's arm as though burned.

Bella please you have no right to be surprised given your own attitudes to family vs the cause. But still this all does kind of connect with Deathly Hallows in the end. And while I still maintain it was ridiculous Voldemort didn’t check Harry was dead himself as Narcissa hated him at that stage, it is at least a connection. Another example of a mother’s love messing things up for him, and she’s a bad guy! I do like that as an idea at least

Anyhow Narcissa finally, finally gets to her destination and who is she going to meet but Severus Snape.

Who apparently has been shacking up with Peter Pettigrew and yet everyone calls ‘Wormtail’ for some reason.

It’s kind of weird actually that the death eaters do that since that was a nickname his friends at Hogwarts used. Probably it could be handwaved as a way to mock him in-universe. But out of universe I think it’s probably Rowling removing any potential last scrap of possible dignity from him.

I mean look at how she describes him:

The man crept, hunchbacked, down the last few steps and moved into the room. He had small, watery eyes, a pointed nose, and wore an unpleasant simper. His left hand was caressing his right, which looked as though it was encased in a bright silver glove.

I also find it odd, Rowlings almost insistence through narrative tone of Peter being incapable of anything (even being socially pleasant let alone magic) when he found Voldemort and nursed him to health. Voldemort might piss and moan about the care being clumsy in GOF but Peter accomplished what countless others failed to do. What Dumbledore and Snape who is also a former Death Eater on the light side failed to do: find Voldemort.

But I also have to, to this day, question why he did this though. I get why he betrayed the Potters. I really don’t get why he brought He-who-can’t-smell back to strength given how he’s usually treated. Is it because he was such a pureblood that surviving in the muggle world was next to impossible as a prospect while being a rat in a wizarding household was fine? Idk, it doesn’t make sense otherwise. And why didn’t he run to Wizarding America, a lot of Nazis did that after WW2 to escape consequences, the war these books continually try to ape.

Anyway.

Snape is a dick to Wormtail and orders him around and Wormtail is described as ‘squeaky’ and incapable of being a good host so Snape has to order him to get the ladies drinks (honestly Peter this is basic etiquette).

Peter then leaves and it seems like the conversation is finally about about to start but then:

Snape held up a hand to stop her, then pointed his wand again at the concealed staircase door. There was a loud bang and a squeal, followed by the sound of Wormtail scurrying back up the stairs. "My apologies," said Snape. "He has lately taken to listening at doors, I don't know what he means by it... you were saying, Narcissa?"

And honestly my eyes boggle. Here we have a real and actual missed opportunity. This isn’t like me waxing about getting muggles involved in a war which targets them. Those are just nice, if random, thoughts. But here we see a legitimate set up with no pay off at the end at all given Deathly Hallows. Why is he listening? Could this be useful for Harry? The life debt in PoA to be fulfilled?

Peter listening at doors of course never came to anything though. Right from PoA everyone was hoping for something interesting with Peter, for Harry’s life debt on him to mean something. To perhaps be instrumental to Voldemort’s downfall if in a small way. So this got people excited.

Aaaand then in Deathly Hallows all that happens is that he hesitates in killing Harry and his silver hand kills him instead in the last battle. Anti-climatic and ultimately unsatisfying. God Peter, you can’t even die right, like by idk, helping Harry out.

In any case the conversation finally continues but Bella interrupts again, because she doesn’t trust Snape, which y’know is technically right, but I find it kind of amusing that she’s so hard on the guy given that her brother in law Lucius wasn’t exactly winning loyalty points before he rose again. (Though Snape does point this out later).

Anyway she breaks down her many grievances:

"Where to start! Where were you when the Dark Lord fell? Why did you never make any attempt to find him when he vanished? What have you been doing all these years that you've lived in Dumbledore's pocket? Why did you stop the Dark Lord procuring the Sorcerer's Stone? Why did you not return at once when the Dark Lord was reborn? Where were you a few weeks ago when we battled to retrieve the prophecy for the Dark Lord? And why, Snape, is Harry Potter still alive, when you have had him at your mercy for five years?"

And this and all the answers Snape gives all kind of reads a bit like Rowling interview questions, with Bella as an angry fan. Basically it’s all these questions about why Voldemort still trusts Snape and the chapter attempts to make sure it doesn’t look like some 1980s Megatron/Starscream problem.

I can’t say I tend to care for this kind of thing in stories. It’s telling people things and not letting them think at all, and it gets a bit tedious honestly even here. And we just had a series recap chapter.

But y’know, in this case, while it begins to outstay its welcome, it’s not like immediately shit and boring like in Deathly Hallows.

You know: when the trio were basically all saying ‘We will not do this action and here’s why’ as if it’s a proxy!interview instead of y’know the book showing them doing the thing and having them fail. Because doing things? In an action series? What a joke. We’ve got mushrooms to poke at. (You can tell I’m bitter can’t you.)

In any case this chapter seems to work better than that, even if it’s not great.. (Mainly I guess because with Bella there’s at least the threat of getting attacked to keep things exciting if she doesn’t like the answer).

Snape instead seems half amused by all this though as he puts on the Rowling!hat Dumbeldore lent him, and perhaps in retrospect we all should have guessed what side he was on because of that attitude. A truly loyal guy might have gotten angry at such things being flung around.

In any case Snape is all very... prepared for these questions which seemingly come out of nowhere. Which is probably the dream of Rowling at the height of her fame instead of having the interview questions in advance in reality or whenever she came across what angry fans said about her work online. (God Snape you’re such a self insert Mary Sue.).

Bella also doesn’t take kindly to the implication Snape throws out that her... honeybun... doesn’t trust her with all the information.

"He shares everything with me!" said Bellatrix, firing up at once. "He calls me his most loyal, his most faithful --"

Ew Bella I don’t want to hear about your pillow talk.

Still, communication is... the basis of a good relationship I guess? Perhaps you should go into counselling? But I don’t think the Wizarding world is up to date on mental health and you’d rather diiiieee then ask help from a muggle I’m sure. And y’know you’re married to someone else which I’m sure is frowned upon.

Anyway the proxy!interview finally, finally ends when Bella runs out of things to say and Narcissa gets to say her piece. The reason she came here after so many interruptions. We are all on tenterhooks I’m sure:

"The Dark Lord has forbidden me to speak of it," Narcissa continued, her eyes still closed. "He wishes none to know of the plan. It is... very secret. But --" "If he has forbidden it, you ought not to speak," said Snape at once. "The Dark Lord's word is law."

Assuming you don’t throw your book in the corner in frustration at this further delay, Snape actually claims he knows the plan anyway. Though I have a sneaking suspicion that he really didn’t. We never get him giving juicy details himself, instead leaving Narcissa to gush some of them out. (Say what you will, he plays at the spy pretty well). I’m sure he managed to wangle out it was killing Dumbledore a few moments after all this.

We generally get the first instance in which a Malfoy is protrayed by the author as sympathetic in the books as she cries, though Bellatrix herself is unmoved.

"Draco should be proud," said Bellatrix indifferently. "The Dark Lord is granting him a great honor. And I will say this for Draco: he isn't shrinking away from his duty, he seems glad of a chance to prove himself, excited at the prospect --" Narcissa began to cry in earnest, gazing beseechingly all the while at Snape. "That's because he is sixteen and has no idea what lies in store! Why, Severus? Why my son? It is too dangerous! This is vengeance for Lucius's mistake, I know it!"

Ah the old lie dulce et decorum est.

Though actually it’s Draco dying for a bigoted cause his parents fed into him with a silver spoon from birth so I will admit it does dampen the sympathy down a little.

Lady, if you and your husband hadn’t been bigoted fools and then pretended Voldemort was a hero in little Drakey’s bed time stories this wouldn’t have happened (And honestly she never seems to get that it’s also her own fault this happened). But I never took latin anyway so I don’t know how to write all that out. Still, he is just a kid, and her fear and tears certainly still feel real.

Bellatrix continues to be a hardass:

"You should be proud!" said Bellatrix ruthlessly. "If I had sons, I would be glad to give them up to the service of the Dark Lord!"

Or daughters Bella? (Oh lord.)

But seriously why ‘sons’: why not ‘children’? Is Bella one of those people who thinks all women should be tied to the kitchen and not join rampantly bigoted magical terrorist organisations? Except for her because she’s special somehow? I don’t get it. Though actually I guess its one of those things Cursed Child may have gotten right in retrospect. She’s just so passionate compared the other DEs because she wants to defend her man.

Okay then.

Anyway, Snape is convinced to make an Unbreakable Vow and ends with this:

"And, should it prove necessary... if it seems Draco will fail..." whispered Narcissa (Snape's hand twitched within hers, but he did not draw away), "will you carry out the deed that the Dark Lord has ordered Draco to perform?" There was a moment's silence. Bellatrix watched, her wand upon their clasped hands, her eyes wide. "I will," said Snape. Bellatrix's astounded face glowed red in the blaze of a third unique flame, which shot from the wand, twisted with the others, and bound itself thickly around their clasped hands, like a fiery snake.

Anyway, we’re never told what the plan is at all. And the few who haven’t been driven off by proxy!interview bullshit are probably interested if a tad miffed at this.

Next time: We find Harry sleeping but he’s artistically arranged newspaper articles for us around himself, just in case we need... yet another recap. (Sweet lord).

#harry potter criticism #harry potter sporking #harry potter and the half blood prince

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