#avery speaketh

[onyxhellebore]

Gonna be in full Kindly Catholic School Teacher mode for court tomorrow I think that's the best energy to bring to the situation

#the only crime was by landlords (not mine) don't worry #but i m Very Stressed about having to be in court #i am very good at convincing the system to be so niceys to me and give me a break and i am hoping i can carry that energy over #if anybody's the praying sort please pray that i have a girl day tomorrow not a boy day i don't need dysphoria interfering with my aura #we shall see #avery speaketh #i am just a pious young lady with a bright future ahead of me that doesn't need to get messed up by cosigning in a corrupt landlord sitch #that's all the judge needs to see #i shouldn't even have to talk but like. i have to bring the vibes

[onyxhellebore]

As long as my health holds up I'm going to a guerilla gay bar event tomorrow and I am HYPED about it. So basically in my city there's a bunch of gays that take over a bar (and now a cafe in the mornings for the sober gays which we love) once a month. The location is secret until a couple hours before, it's apparently an amazing time and it's also just the coolest concept

#avery speaketh #the look is probably going to be pretty similar to what i wore to the bar in nyc (big pants tank top) but with a bit more jewelry #i gotta cut my nails today lol i'm not rolling up to the function with claws

[onyxhellebore]

Help I have a crush this Catholic school music teacher has wavy brown hair an unfairly bisexual aura and one of those slightly surprised smiles he’s killing me

#AND giving me gender envy what gives #Avery speaketh

[onyxhellebore]

The fucking anger issues are back and I ran out of breaking pencils rip to me

#avery speaketh #i can't even tell if i'm justified in being this angry. probably it merits a tiny bit of irritation but i've been bottling shit up #probably i should go back to therapy. but. also i don't want to do that actually #i am not making it anybody else's problem so it's literally fine

[onyxhellebore]

It's weird to describe but the name that my parents gave me isn't a dead name so much as a pair of jeans. A bit uncomfortable but fits fine. I'm not passionate about it, but it's the best thing for a lot of tasks. Used to wear it every day without complaint before I realized that there were other options and that I was allowed to opt out of the discomfort.

#avery speaketh #avery meanwhile is the name of a man i respect a woman i respect and the maiden name of my mentor it fits my genderfluid self #in every dimension

[onyxhellebore]

You ever put a perfectly chill outfit on to watch Over the Garden Wall with some friends and then moments before they arrive your spirit cries NO if you don’t dress as much like one of the vegetable people from Pottsfield as you can on short notice I shall PERISH so you do it and put on a soil perfume for good measure and now your friends are running late and you are just sat in your kitchen making sure the animals don’t eat the apple cake??? Yeah me neither

#I am literally sat here in my dress sad I didn’t think ahead to have vegetable to don #I have an old timey apron on #it’s made of a curtain #avery speaketh

[onyxhellebore]

So sick of my stupid shitty health and how it's complicating my job search. If I could go back to pre-illness energy I would be cleaning houses and I would be so happy. It was so meditative. The creativity just flowed.

Yes you deal with gross things and annoying people, whatever, I was cleaning rotting shit out of the fridge and dealing with people at age 11, the downsides are downsides I can handle no problem.

It's just so frustrating. I genuinely like doing the things that are so problematically difficult for me now. I was doing the dishes last night to calm down and I have aches and pains from it today and it is so annoying that I can't even do these basic tasks for myself. So obviously that can't be my job lol.

Idk it's just hard looking at all of these universes that have disappeared on me. The one where I'm a teacher, the one where I'm a cleaner, the one where I'm a chemist, the one where I can drive and I just zip around driving for uber talking to people all day. Hell, even the one where I didn't lose my call center job!!! And I have jsut as many future potential universes ahead of me and I am going to make whatever one I get beautiful whatever it takes. But it would be nice to have more to work with.

#unwellness #that's gonna be my new tag for that I can't use the old one anymore #avery speaketh #idk i am moody. got the monday scaries. they'd be the sunday scaries but nobody was sick yesterday. #so i had sunday and monday scaries.

[onyxhellebore]

I was at the antiques store and a beautiful woman was talking to me and I didn’t get her number :( she heard me say out loud that I like women bc I was commenting to a friend that sometimes I’ll buy clothes and realize I think they’re beautiful on other women, but not for me. And that it’s a problem bc I like women. And she literally came over and started chatting with me and I let the conversation die I CAN’T

#avery speaketh #she had hot artist energy I simply will die

[onyxhellebore]

I have been thinking about things like getting a sugar daddy and cutting bangs, which probably means I need to go back to therapy or something but who knows

#avery speaketh

[onyxhellebore]

My mom is finally being nice about binary trans people which is cool. Except she is now infuriated by the concept of nonbinary people and genderfluid people. It just kind of. Shifted. To the thing I am. And I should probably process that but instead I've been blogging woot

#a couple of her students are out as nb in catholic school (braver than any us marine those two) and she's nice to them #but mad at the world about it privately??? idk part of it is definitely These Kids Remind Me Of My Kid Who Is GIrl So They Must Also Be #but i'm only girl part time. now is not the time to get into it is the thing it's not gonna help anything. #she went on a whole screed about how the internet is convicning kids that they are things that they're not and it's a plot etc #at least she's not fully on the jk rowling hate train. but. it hurts in a different way when it is about me and i am stuck in the car #avery speaketh #i have just been trying so fucking hard to convince myself that there's room for me in the world and like i can't just burn my savings whil #i continue to look for job but i am putting myself through absolute fucking hell for the sake of staying afloat. which is job. i get that #but it's coming with more personal hells than justa normal job #idk i haven't slept i'm so so drained and everything feels so so so personall and like.i am trying so so hard to remind myself that there i #room for me in theworld i just need ot make things worka nd do the workand find it but it is so hard. i'm gonna fucking do it! #i will! but it is HARD #transphobia tw

[onyxhellebore]

I REALLY need to be sleeping my alarm is set for 6:15 and it is 11:53 and this would not be so bad except it usually takes me an hour to fall asleep. And I need at least 9-10 hours of sleep to kind of function. And I do have to kind of function tomorrow. But I got the Sunday scaries. :(

#Avery speaketh #Avery is being a silly goose

[onyxhellebore]

So sick of my body. I desperately need a shower but showering means going up the fucking stairs and then having my arms up for a long time even if I sit on the shower floor. I do things that I know are going to make my fucking chronic fatigue flare up and then I have a bad flare up and it’s like oh no. How ever could this happen. I used all my energy on breakfast. Drank caffeine to be able to shower and now I can’t sleep OR shower I’m just laying here crying on my phone

#avery speaketh #send me to the seaside for my health

[onyxhellebore]

My soul's got so much fucking rage in it right now it's all I can do to not freak out the people I depend on with it.

#i'm all out of breaking pencils but one of my plastic fans is broken so i'm gonna use my anger management hack that way #avery speaketh #idk how much to disclose about the situation bc the anonymity on this blog is not 100% #and frankly i don't want my sideblog to be how some people find the details of this situation #suffice it to say i am angry at specific people the medical system the government and god

[onyxhellebore]

Hurt my damn shoulder just now trying to adjust my stupid bra strap of the stupid bra I wish I didn't have to wear and I have shit to do today! I have to move things and clean and there's a deadline so no resting for me!

#avery speaketh #how did i manage to hurt my shoulder you may ask? slight hypermobility and hubris i reached a way a shoulder shouldn't go #and my body was like yes i can do that. but it should not

[onyxhellebore]

Idk why i'm being so smug about the Ides of March when I have an Important Meeting today and I sure as hell feel doomed

#ides of march #ahhhh #avery speaketh

[onyxhellebore]

I have such a strange relationship with Strangers by Ethel Cain.

I grew up watching my mom being figuratively devoured by my dad in her attempts to be an acceptable woman, to be what her soul was never supposed to be. I in turn was raised to be consumed. I was permitted to be myself up to a point, but not too much, and it hit a point where it was like, you must start erasing these facets of yourself to be palatable, to be consumed appropriately by a man. Failing won't even save you, it'll just make him sick.

And I'm on the other side of that right now. I'm watching my mom try to drag herself out of the freezer and dust the ice crystals off and I want her to meet me here, in an actual better place. I don't know if it'll happen.

So this song's going to be haunting me for a while.

#strangers #ethel cain #strangers by ethel cain #avery speaketh