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reflectionsof99 · 5 years

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What do I want?

Im on this journey of awakening & now im at a point to reflect on what do I really want? specifically... so i decided to make a list .. - I want to be so deeply, madly in love with myself.. in a healthy way that allows me to thrive, appreciate more, tolerate less and truly improve my quality of life. I deserve it, after so long of looking to make a love out of someone I want to realize that my truest oldest friend & most legitimate soul mate it myself. & I dont have to feel lonely anymore if im simply focusing on the things I enjoy. being in a better space to give & recieve . - I want to stop resisting, & instead trust, life & my intuition. In these past few days im so greatful for all the information im finally understanding one thing being how alot of the stress in my life is from resistance & from trying to control things around me. Also resisting my intuituion id like to stop doing that. When I hear about the things im letting go it feels as a loss & I havent really been understanding what im gaining. But im so tired of carrying fear or waiting for changes to occur, there are some things that i really dont want to let go off, but i am go greatful for the paitence & perspective througout this entire process. - I want to slow down & truly be present for each moment & being aware of the energy i bring to a situation. Ive been treating life like a checklist & feeling as tho once I accomplish a,b,c then iĺl be able to fully engage or finally feel the bliss, freedom & happiness. But i choose to bring those things instead & then allow the rest to come. - I want to be creative! I have so many ideas & instead i want to align with the creating & manifesting. When ive been so shut down emotionally I realized how this has affected my sacral chakra, keeping me away from my creativety & sexuality as well. I wanna rebuild that as well as rebuilding my confidence. In high school my senior year I did alot of art classes because I liked the freedom of expression. Art teaches me alot about myself & about my level of paitence. I really would like to specialize in painting (photorealism), freelance photography & even some video recording & editing. These things make me feel alive !! & I´d like to give myself a genuine space to explore it. - I want to have fucking fun!! These past few years ive allowed my depression & adverse feelings to push me to far away from everything i loved including myself. my blog has been one of my closest means of self expression & a creative outlet. but now i miss having friends & fun!! I am being able to just take it easy, I enjoy feeling comfortable in my own skin & vibing out with new people. I miss being with people i feel relatable with , or having girl friends that hype me up & just having lots of normal girly fun with. I call it sisterhood because its so iportant to a young womens development to have a group of sisters to encourage her & also let her know when she needs to check her self. - I want my tribe to inspire me! When i look at my tribe i wanna feel as tho they accept me & vice versa. Like its alot to learn from them in some aspect & as tho we can all love eachother unconditionally. -I want to validate myself!! With my lack of self love its had been around looking for validation I didnt even realize. Being vulnerable in the wrong ways & putting myself in uncomfortable situations simply for the validation that I matter and for all the self love that was missing. Well now I want to validate myself & go after what I want. Because I cant expect people to want my dreams more than I do. I cante xpect people to do things with me. & when i want people to keep reassuring me things are okay that from a place of fear & im releasing that fear now. - I want to be confident! I mean.. I feel pretty confident. But it goes deeper than that. I wanna feel confident in my appearance & in every single choice I make. Confident in my different & confident in my ability to be alone or handle responsibilities. I am ready to embrace confidence fully. -I want discipline in the means of meditation & exercise. like responsibilities ive been avoiding i intend to truly see the benifits & prioritize them rather than resist or belittle. I feel these things will go a long way in my life & id like to see! - I want my car, my phone & my eyebrows & toes done!!! I group these together because when I think of them they make me feel like an independent adult women. sometimes the fact that I dont have these things makes me feel like im not where i want to be so i want this to motivate me. Like I feel like iv been so dependent on others & the car & phone is truly a means of freedom & indpendence. & when i get my eyebrows & feet done it makes me feel confident & feminine & I could use alot more of that. - Hitting the thousands doing what i love. this past year ive been thinking of & trying to do so much of something that I havnt compleated much of anything. I want to do what my soul really calls me to do & be able to provide myself the lifestyle where I have freedom to the highest degree. Id like to be able to afford the healthy foods or even land to start my own garden & the car & insurance to visit my family at my own accord & to go out when i want & to travel & even just take a personal day when needed. its truly my dream to be my own boss & i know its possible! Im just interesed in seeing how these thousands & millions will manifest for me. I ask for help from the universe in doing so as i release my limiting financial beliefs & embrance my abundance. - I want to eat more vegan food, I want to feel good more often, I want to have alot of fun new experiences & be around people who enjoy doing simmilar things as me, I want to create & be the next big thing rather than wait for it & I wanna be paitent without getting my feelings involved when nessecary, I wanna embrace the wonders of life & self love to make up for all the years that was no where to be found. & deep deep down I want to be so inlove... but now with myself. - I want to go to the beach, feel the sand i my toes, people watch, charge up in the beautiful water. admire the metaphor for existance that a beach is - i want to write poetry that flows, is genuine & vibes like i need it to & that others can relate to & enjoy that intruiges the deepest parts of people everywhere - i want to visit & potentially build an earthship & bus to home coversion - i want to travel america with a lover in my bus conversion - i want to experience the epitomy of freedom & compassion - i want to do psychedelics when im ready - i want my sex drive back. I litterally dont have one right now but im sure once I do it could make things a whole lot more interesting & fun. i feel shame & guilt clouding my sexuality & I wanna purify that out of me. & have truly spiritual next level sexual experiences when the time comes. - i wanna release guilt in general. about things I cant change or about my truth. - i wanna honor & understand my connection to nature & do everything I can to protect her. - i want to travel to all these awesome places to experience other cultures, learn different languages , eat ao many amazing food & ulitmatley respect this entire creation in its entirety & ultimatley meet alot of people & have alot of experiences that make this whole thing worthwhile! & really appreciate all the different fascests of nature. I wanna go to costa rica, & egypt & the vadican to witness some of the wonders theyve stolen & france & africa & south america & just all over really. I wanna have something to offer & something to learn as I go. - I wanna go home to my heaven inside. Its calling me. & I know when I return things will be made right. - more means of experssion like enaging in my cosplay instagram ! & hopefully getting lots of followers maybe even money & also starting my youtube channel I am not always sure the details & im trying to be as specific as possible to these things can manifest but imma just be paitent & I hope this helps me & the universe & all my spirit guides & higher self in the long run. / I am sooo greatful!!! I intend to have a relaxing day full for minfulness & self assurance & just doing whatever I want to do... / Love & light

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jess-oh · 6 years

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Reflection

Hello journal!

I did not reach the 10k steps today and fear I am falling behind my friends but I just gotta work harder and catch up tomorrow!

I started choreographing “My God is Powerful” earlier today while waiting for the bus and a bit while waiting for the train and I did feel a little self conscious bc I didn’t want people to think I was crazy but I think I did a pretty good job at keeping myself accountable and just trying not to think about what they thought. I thought about what moves to do to and from work as well! I think I got the majority of it done but there are a still a couple parts I’m a little cautious of that I’m not super happy with. I mostly need a replacement for “powerful” instead of just pointing up all the time. It feels a bit redundant. I’m thinking of doing something else during the verse so it isnt so repetitive? I gotta do some more research but I do want to try and get it done and record it for Jenny by tonight and then keep practicing it tomorrow while also starting on the next song. I want to have at least 2 songs done by Sunday. 3 if I really try. I don’t think I can get all 5 done and be confident in them all and plus, I only have an hour to teach anyway so assuming not every song is super easy to learn, this is going to take a while. I want to figure out how to best teach it to. I think I’m going to do it once fully through with the music and then divide and conquer. We’ll learn one verse/chorus at a time with no music, try just that portion with music, and continue to practice. And then we’ll move onto the next part and do just that portion. And then both pieces together. And continuously add on another piece, bit by bit. I’ve only ever tutored in intimate settings but never taught a class so I am a little nervous but I’m also excited too. While choreographing, I remembered how fun these songs were.

Because I’m really not that close with anyone on the guat team except maybe judy, ive been questioning if i was just delusional. but i was ready a couple old posts and it reminded me of our training days together. they were hard and i dont think we were super close but we definitely got along and i am really blessed that i got to serve with them.

ive been doing a lot of reflecting too. especially on my commute back home from work today since my earbuds died. and im starting to process how things were my fault as well. i definitely had severe victim mentality before though i’d never admit it. and i did blame other people for my shortcomings a lot instead of looking at my own thought process and personality. i think i’ve said it was my fault too but never really ever took responsibility for it and i should have. i held people to unreasonably high expectations and was really harsh with my rule. probably because thats how i treated myself and i expected everyone to function at the same level when obviously, not everyone was created to be that way. i also thought about james since i had the hardest time getting along with him. i did have a crush on him in middle school and i do really wish i could just take ever saying anything back. and i did look to him a lot for approval our senior year. but i dont think it was bc i had a crush on him again. i think i was just so desperate for his approval bc if he accepted me, that meant everyone else could too. but why was i so afraid to talk to the guys anyway? theyre just people and as human as anyone else. i spent so long fearing that i was too loud or too passionate or praying too hard and it did really stunt my faith bc there was a fear of really letting go. i think sa-rang’s biggest issue is its emphasis on community which is a weird thing to say. bc community is definitely important. but i think it becomes toxic when community becomes more important than being real with God. I spent so long hearing people gossip, constantly, about such stupid things and as a result, I was so scared that there were saying the same things about me. But honestly, who am I to judge bc I gossip all the time too. As much as I hate to admit it, I do vent about other people and point out their flaws bc I’m insecure and it’s so stupid and I’ve made up countless excuses saying that it’s my only way to connect with other people bc thats all they talk about or how i cant tell the different b/w gossiping and venting when in reality, there is no line. it’s the same. i was just being a fool. whenever i vent, im venting to vent and not bc im seeking advice. im venting bc im angry and frustrated and want someone to listen. and thats why this journal is so important. i cant help that im angry sometimes so let me write them in my private journal here instead of spreading negative thoughts and emotions. let me process it and approach the problem with a clear head instead of acting out of rage and emotion. i have a lot of growing to do.

and ive been saying that i think i just need to be so confident in myself that nothing phases me and i no longer feel the need to fit in. but honestly, that fear that i wont fit in is still there and i still really want to. and im afraid that if i am unapologetically me, bc i grew up around people that were super churchgoers, my perspective is different and thus, people wont understand or agree with me. but i do think i would rather be myself and outcasted than trying so hard to fit in and outcasted. bc at the end of the day, the only person that matters is God. and so long as I am being true to Him, it doesn’t matter what anyone else says or feels. If they judge me and ridicule me for pouring my heart out unto God then so be it. I will take it as a sign that I can’t grow spiritually there and leave. But I want to give them the chance. I hope I can influence them into being unafraid and just totally raw and honest. no longer dry. no longer stunted. just so in love with Christ and drowning in His grace. I want to lead by example. I know that God has called me to Lakeview and I’m glad and I think I have started making progress in people’s lives here. But I was also raised in Sa-Rang and I think that’s of some level of importance as well.

I always feel bad whenever I see other people just being showered in love and praise bc I don’t get that from so many different people. And I know that it’s bc theyve done more than me but I think in adapting that mentality, I tried to reach out to more people for the sake of praise instead of just to genuinely give and serve. And I want to do that instead. i want to get to a place where I can so graciously and willingly and freely give out my time and effort and services without expecting any thanks in return. And honestly, I think I’ve gotten somewhere near there. And it’s a thankless job and definitely sucks but I just need to trust in God, knowing full well that He has seen my efforts and how hard I work and is so proud of me as a result. I always felt like the loose screw at Sa-Rang and always wondered if people were just pitying me whenever they did pay any attention to me. But when I talked to Judy, or Lauren, or even Loren, they seem to actually really like me for me. I’m replaceable, sure. But there’s no one quite like me. With my unique experiences and reactions and lifestyle and choices. I am the most me that will ever and as such, God has a very specific goal in mind for my life. And I am so excited to see what it is as He continues to unveil it to me. Really. I love God with all my heart and I know that I stumble in my faith sometimes and worry too much on what’s currently in front of me but He is undoubtedly real as He is shown me time and time again. Nothing will ever bring me such immediate peace as He has given me. Nothing will ever feel like His heart and love for His children, in such unbearable pain. I felt it. It was so heavy but He is so unashamed of His children and really loves each of them so dearly and so very much. And I’m hoping to continue to spread that message to anyone who needs to hear it.

#reflection

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akhila-aa · 6 years

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My life in Street Gangs

Day 1

1. Themes from the article:

Violence

Gang activity

Redemption

Change

Anger

~Thoughts~

I relate to Segun’s family life.

I didnt know Scarborough had gangs

Day 2

The main theme I chose to write about is Redemption. Redemption is when a change happens for the better, it is the action of regaining or gaining possession of something in exchange for payment, or possession of something in exchange for payment, or clearing a debt. In this case, Segun has gone through his struggles and problems with gangs and gang violence and has reached the stage where he is redeeming himself from that lifestyle. Segun, as a teenager was only around gangs. He didn't even know he was getting initiated in a gang, he just thought he was going to make some friends in the neighbourhood. He has lived a life in these gangs where he did things, bad things that caused himself and others around him hurt. He has reached redemption after murdering Daniel by going to several jails, such as Mapelhurst Correctional Complex, Don Jail and Fenbrook, we can start to see a change in him when he was in Fenbrook, here is where he felt alone and scared. After this, he wanted to change himself, he started to see priest and go to anger management classes to do that. After he got out of jail, he reached this stage in redemption where he started to help others by running youth programs where he educated youth on marginalization and violence. What Segun’s story is telling readers about redemption is that you don't need to be defined by your past, you can redeem yourself and create yourself a better future. You can do many bad things in your life, like joining a gang, selling drugs, lying, cheating even killing but it’s whether you decide to continue living that kind of lifestyle or you create yourself a path for redemption. I feel I can compare Segun’s life and his path of redemption to my life, I didn't do anything crazy like join a gang or kill someone but I went thorough a time in my life where I was very depressed because my dad had left my family and caused many problems. Through grade 7 and grade 8, I acted very recklessly in school, I wouldn't do my homework, show attitude to to my teachers, get into fights with my classmates. I even caused trouble at home, then one day, my mom was arguing with me to clean my room and I was not listening to her she, snapped during our argument then told me she hated the way I was acting and that I was acting like my father, this is the first time I’ve seen my mom cry. At that moment, I realized how irrationally I’ve been acting and decided to change. I started going for counseling sessions at my mom’s hospital where she works and seeing my priest as well. I learned that all this was coming from me being alone and angry because my father left, I soon found that I didn't need to be the way I am, I can redeem myself from my horrible behaviour, and I did. I became a good student, made friends back at school and I established a better relationship with my family. In that way, me and Segun has reached redemption in our lives.

Day 3:

Janet B.

says:

January 27, 2016 at 3:48 pm

Everyone has the choice to change their circumstances. That’s what this story is about. If you’re stuck in a job you hate, do something about it. Go back to school or study a trade to expand your experience. Maybe a story about a minimum wage worker that was unhappy and changed their life would get a great response. That’s a totally different topic. This story has a positive message. It seems like you might have missed that.

This comment seems to be a response to some hate that Segun has been getting for the actions he has committed. This comment caught my eye from first sentence, “ Everyone has the choice to change their circumstances”. People seem to have this idea in their head that change cannot happen, especially a drastic change like Segun’s. This is such a horrible way to think, how do you expect to everyone to be perfect? how do you expect everyone to have such pure, trouble free past?, ln life, different people get into situations that at time don't realize how bad it is, as long as the person learns from the mistakes they made and strive for a better life, I don't think people have the right to criticize your past. If you are unhappy with the way your living your life, you must change something. You may think there is no way to change it, but there always is. Like this comment says, “If you’re stuck in a job you hate, do something about it. Go back to school or study a trade to expand your experience.” Just because Segun’s story wasn't this pure, happy go lucky, I won the lottery kind of success story, they think he does not deserve the same type of praise a person typically would. The gang lifestyle is something that millions of people adopt because it is the only lifestyle they grew up around, others are forced in to it. It is very difficult for someone like Segun who was in a a gang to get out and pursue their dreams. I like this comment because it tells the people who don't like Segun’s story that his story is different but it has a positive message that anyone can take away from it. You dont need to be a deliquent to completely change your life for the better, you can change your life even if you are at a stable place in your life. In the end, its all going to depend on your happiness and how you get your happiness in life.

Day 4:

Does Segun deserve a second chance?

I absolutely think that Segun deserves a second chance. Segun lived a life where he had caused numerous people pain including himself but he still deserves a second chance. The first reason I think he deserves a second chance is because his effort of bettering himself. When he was in Fenbrook, is where he started to realize that being in jail wasn't the place he wanted to in, “I relied on the same old power structures. I used my conviction as a street stripe”. He realized that this conviction he had didn't mean anything, although he felt that he was being respected in jail, he figured out that respect was just ultimately fear. After a year, he started bettering himself by going to anger management and talking to priests, then the next six months he started writing a book about peer pressure, single-parent households, racism, low incomes, getting shunted around the education system, precarious housing. From this I see that Segun is bettering himself by educating others on the struggles he went through and giving them a perspective of his life. He has done so much since his arrest for murdering Danilo, He teamed with two entrepreneurs and received $25,000 Ontario Trillium Grant to start a trades program. If i were to read this article and see that he did not do anything to better himself or his community, I would say he does not deserve a second chance because he would just continue back to his old gang activities but he changed, If anyone is willing to change for the better and you know they are serious about it, they deserve a second chance.

The second reason I think Segun’s deserves a second chance is for his family. Segun’s family life had a big impact on him and was ultimately how he got caught up in gangs. He had a really good family life when he first moved to Canada, “My dad, Johnson, was a chemist who got his degree at the University of Waterloo and later ran a water filtration business in St. Bernardin. My mom, Mosunmola, pursued a nursing degree. Our house was huge, at the end of a long, winding driveway. We had to drive to a nearby farm to pick up our eggs, and our neighbours had two cows that I called John and Deere. For our first few years in Canada, it all went well. I won math awards at school and learned how to play chess with my sister. My dad would make me write essays when I got home—education was very important to him. He wanted me to become a doctor’‘. I feel like if Segun’s family life continued like this, none of this gang activity would have happened. After his mom died is when he started acting up in school. I feel like Segun did not know how to cope with the tragedy of losing his mother, so he decided to take his anger and sadness to the streets. I feel like this happens with alot of black men who go through these hard times, they dont know how to talk about their feelings so they join a group of boys who are most likely going through the same thing- and that how a gang is created. ‘Cops always talk about getting young black men off the streets. Stopping us before we take that first step. But they have it wrong. Nobody takes a first step into gang activity. Toronto police use the term “gang” to describe anything from four boys playing dice on the corner to a full-fledged Hells Angels crew. I don’t like the word. What they’re really referring to is a group of people banding together—opportunists without opportunities”.

Would I change my mind if Danilo Celestino was my brother?

I would not change my mind if Danilo Celestino was my brother, I still think Segun deserves a second chance. I feel like both Segun and Danilo both equally did things wrong in that situation. Danilo did stab Segun first which made Segun act and stab him back, this doesnt mean that Segun should not pay for his actions but it wasn't just his fault. I feel like Danilo is similar to Segun in a way, they both were engaging in illegal activities, they both seemed like troubled teens. If Danilo stabbed Segun more seriously the first time, he would be in the exact situation that Segun is in right now. I dont think the fact Segun had more of a bad rep should cover the fact that Danilo also made some choices that got into the situation of him getting murdered. It may sound a bit harsh and heartless when said like this but I really am thinking about the situation rationally. If Danilo was my brother and he killed Segun, I would want him to get a second chance in the same way.

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