#bernie and lorenz do seem to have an antagonism thing going on

[baronaliswritingcorner]

Fódlan Flufflets #25: Popular (Felix/Bernadetta)

A parting gift before my two-week retreat -- the return of Fódlan Flufflets!

In honor of the #ChooseYourLegends results, have some #Felibern -- my very first, in fact! Please enjoy this latest slice of my patented Fódlan anachronism. ---

Felix had endured countless humiliations in the maelstrom of agony that was his life. Losing spars to classmates and veteran knights alike. Falling for Glenn’s mischievous pranks, guised as “coming of age” rituals. Enduring the second-hand embarrassment that was Sylvain’s skirt-chasing.

All soul-crushing in their own ways, but experience ingrained a budding humility that’d bloomed into his adulthood years, and he’d learned to brush off such embarrassments like the pitiful swings of a fresh Fraldarius troop.

This, however, was the final straw. Not even a day into their vacation at Derdriu, and they were greeted with the culture shock that was the city periodical’s headline:  

““SHIPPING WARS” RUN RAMPANT -- “FELIBERN” OUTPACES THE LIKES OF “DIMILETH”, “SYLVGRID”, “FERDITHEA” and “LEORENZ” IN NEW POLL DECIDING FÓDLAN’S CUTEST COUPLE!”

And that was how, after being chased by hordes of screeching fangirls, Felix and his wife found themselves holed up in Derdriu’s fanciest inn. The screams of adoring fans and invasive paparazzi buzzed incessantly outside their window like a sea of hungry gnats, swarming the Aquatic Capital and descending upon their refuge -- their cheers and demands invasive as they were utterly confounding.

“FE-LI-BERN! FE-LI-BERN!! FEEL THE BERN!!!”

“WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE! COME OUT AND SMOOCH FOR US!”

“CAN YOU COMMENT ON THE RUMORS SURROUNDING LADY BERNADETTA’S PREGNANCY?”

Cornered, exhausted, and utterly defeated, Felix’s face rested firmly in his palms – not merely because of the egregious invasion of privacy, or the impossible likelihood of escape, but because of one unfathomable variable he’d never have predicted.

“Ehehehehe,” giggled his wife. “Oh my gosh, Felix! Look! They drew us as little kitties! And we’re snuggling!”

No, it was because after all the screaming and hiding ceased once all the facts were laid bare, Felix came to the horrifying realization that Bernadetta actually liked it.

“Bernie’s never won at anything,” marveled Bernie, “but Cutest Couple in Fódlan? Hehe! It’s funny because it’s true! Bernie prevails!”

“Please stop,” moaned Felix.

“But look at all the competition!” said Bernadetta as she thumped her chest. “We beat out Ashette, Mercedue, Cysithea, and, and-”

“Yes, I read the article.”

“Ehehehe, do you know what this means? We have fans!” said Bernadetta with a squeal. She unlocked the window and waved outside. “Yes, hello! Bernie sees you!”

Wincing at the deafening roar, Felix yanked her back inside and slammed the window shut. “Don’t encourage them. And since when were you such a social butterfly?”

“Oh, don’t be such a spoilsport, Felix!” said Bernadetta with a pout – shaking her arms in that familiar display of protest. “C’mon, didn’t you see the artwork? They’ve got some serious talent!”

Shoving the paper into his face, Felix was met once more with the paper’s meticulously detailed header image: the two Fraldariuses, engaged in a wistful liplock amidst glowing fireflies in a moonlit forest; a menagerie of doe-eyed woodland critters surrounding their tryst with palpable adoration.

Felix composed himself with a deep sigh. “Last I checked,” he said with an elaborate exhale, “our marriage wasn’t out for display. I don’t know how this whole nonsense started, but once we get back, I’ll appeal directly to Dimitri for an immediate ban on this so-called ‘shipping’.”

“Oh, come on – it’s all in good fun! Here, check these out,” said Bernadetta as she flashed a collection of paper-thin tomes, their covers decorated with amorous embraces and lovelorn looks courtesy of Fódlan’s top couple.

Felix nearly hurled. “What are--wait, where’d you even get those-”

“Oh, some fans shoved them into my hands while you were swinging your sword at those journalists – I think they’re called ‘zines’? Let’s see: there’s “Arrows and Swords” – it’s full of little stories about us! – and this one’s called “Violet Dreams and Azure Courage” – chock-full of pictures; see, I’m a mermaid! -- and this is…um, I’m not sure what the “18+” stands for, but it’s called “Steamy Fraldarius Nights” and--oh my-”

Ripping that last one out of his wife’s hands, Felix threw the offending zine to the floor and smote it with a Thunder spell. “Look, we came here for a retreat,” said Felix, incredulous at reminding Bernadetta – Bernadetta! -- of the values of privacy. “How do you expect us to relax if we’re constantly entertaining the delusions of these obsessed goons?”

Bernadetta pouted as she crossed her arms. “Well, you can say what you like, but they’re not leaving!”

“Then I’ll make them,” said Felix as he marched to the window and swung it wide open. “People of Deirdru, may you promise to leave us alone once I give you what your pathetic hearts desire!”

“WE HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR, LORD FRALDARIUS!”

“Felix?” said Bernadetta as her husband pulled her to the window, “what are you-”

Immediately swinging Bernadetta to his front, Felix elaborately dipped his wife out the window and gave the entirety of Derdriu front-row seats to a passionate kiss.

The city shook with a rumbling roar – the raw power of nerd fandom rippling the very air itself, enduring even as they pulled apart.

Bernadetta flushed crimson, reduced to lovestruck babble. “N-no fair.”

Felix grinned roguishly. “Just promise me you won’t wound Lorenz’s pride by rubbing our victory in his face, and I won’t embarrass you further.”

------

AO3 Link

#fodlan flufflets #felibern #felix hugo fraldarius #bernadetta von varley #i just love absurdism #bernie and lorenz do seem to have an antagonism thing going on #choose your legends #fire emblem three houses #fire emblem three houses fanfiction #fe3h