#but after like literally weeks of wanting some nicotine I caved and bought these

[drunk-queer-bisexual-lesbian]

My thoughts on the new abortion laws

Literally 2 people know this about me (my current gf and my best friend)

I got pregnant about a year ago. I was very high and I don't even remember having sex, although the next day I woke up and realized there was semen inside me. I felt gross. I don't even like thinking about it. I scooped it out of me then took a shower and tried to forget about it.

Until I missed my period. I'm usually p irregular so I tried shrugging it off for a couple weeks until I caved and bought a pregnancy test.

This was me at the lowest of my low. I ended up dropping out of school and went to work fast food. I still struggle to call it rape because of reasons, although I guess technically it was.

I immediately planned on how to get an abortion. I had only had my job for maybe three weeks, and I wasn't making enough to pay for an abortion, or even for credit cards to approve me. I managed to get some funding from a nonprofit in my state, and literally didn't spend any money on anything but rent and I ate all my meals at work until I had the ~$700 I'd need.

I took an Uber about 50 minutes away. Went in for my appointment. And I broke down, because it's complicated. I didn't want to deal with the fact that one of my only friends, who knew I was lesbian, took advantage of me being high. I didn't want to deal with a pregnancy because I couldn't even deal with the fact that I was raped. I couldn't even deal with the fact that many people wouldn't even consider what happened to me rape. And I kept remembering when 14-year-old, very Mormon me was defending my pro-life views and said that I would never get an abortion. I kept thinking about my six younger siblings, about how much I love babies, about how I do want kids.

And so I walked out after cancelling the appointment. I stopped smoking too, cold-turkey, cuz I figured 8 weeks was enough nicotine to subject this baby that I decided I was going to keep to. I was trying to decide what to do - blind adoption? Just raise my ex-friend and rapists baby? Give it to my favorite aunt and uncle that have struggled with fertility for over a decade? Find a nice gay couple?

I spent hours every night looking at adoption websites, at baby name websites. At the stories of birth moms, of adoptive parents, of the kids. At resources for single moms.

And I kept going to work, and that 700$ I saved was spent on actual living expenses and real food. And one day, a couple weeks after my cancelled abortion I had a miscarriage.

I was walking home from work and got the worst cramps I've ever had. I very rarely get stomach cramps on my period, and I knew these were bad.

When I told my gf this story a few weeks into our relationship she asked me my thoughts on abortion. Because apparently there's this misconception that women who have had miscarriages are more pro-life or something, and I think that's v disingenuous. My choice was taken away. By my own body, instead of a legislature, to be fair. But I had chosen to remain pregnant. And I felt like the universe, or god, or whatever, was punishing me. Was ripping my choice away from me. Was killing the baby I decided to keep.

Maybe it doesn't make sense to others. It wouldn't make sense to 14-year-old Mormon me. But it just taught me, painfully, that choice is important, and is a woman's right. I had made my choice, and forces out of my control denied me my choice.

My miscarriage made me more pro-choice. I wish I had control over that pregnancy, and I wish that all these girls and women across the country (and world) will have control over their own bodies and pregnancies that gross old men are trying to take away from them.

#youknowme #you know me #abortion #abortion tw #miscarriage #miscarriage tw #pro choice #pro life #pro-choice #pro-life #me too #rape #rape tw #drugs tw