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theravencroft · 3 years

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Survivalists and the Proletariat Apocalypse

This began life as a Metafilter post and has been cleaned up and lightly edited.

(To me there is a difference between prudence like having some canned goods and stapled and flashlights and whatnot and planning to survive the EMP burst with a dedicated SUV. There's prudence, as in preparing for a storm and bad local events, and then there's pretending you're going to be Immortan Joe and not one of the people begging for water).

I love making fun of preppers.

I think part of it is obviously the just world fallacy at work.

"When the hordes come for me, I will simply shoot them. But I'm just built different."

And some of it is fending off the fear of death and oblivion with telling yourself you are already prepared for every situation.

And there's a good chunk that's what I'll call the Libertarian Fallacy where every Libertarian assumes he will be the triumphant Captain of Industry and not one of the Voluntarily Indentured Servants carrying his palanque. It's like the old Bob The Angry Flower where the Captains of Industry get to Galt's Gulch and realize *somebody* forgot to invent the labor saving robots to do the dirty work like tilling the soil.

But part of it is when something doesn't happen for a while, people assume it didn't happen at all or at least not recently. It's the old "oh well if measles is so bad, what did they do before vaccines, huh?" Well, sometimes they just fucking died. Like it's not that long ago that even in very modern industrialized countries people had families of 8-12 kids and it wouldn't be all that surprising if maybe 6 or 7 made it to adulthood. Because they just died. Of stuff. Of Things. There was a Twitter that would tweet medieval death records and it was kind of funny because it's like "guy fell in a river and died." "Guy got hit on the head and died." "Guy got run over by a horse and died."

We're not really used to that anymore because of this invisible web of medical technology and public health and sanitation.

I obviously don't have a rigorous demographic breakdown of preppers but I suspect a lot of these guys aren't training for, say, the rigors of "No power tools at all," old school, walk behind the plow farming. Can you imagine the heart attacks and strokes? And even the pharmaceuticals a rich prepper can get don't compare to what a small town Walgreens has on hand for an ordinary Tuesday, not to mention the weird stuff they can order.

Oops, your precious kid to repopulate the planet has a rare birth defect. Used to be a 20 minute surgery, now you just die.

Got bitten by a snake? Ah, yes, I too remember antivenom. Would be great to have some of that now. But it turns out it wasn't profitable to produce so it was impossible to find even before total collapse. And even if we didn't have antivenom we could run fluids and machines to support your organs but we don't have that now, you just die.

Oh it turns out without mosquito control, mosquito born disease is a lot more common. And if you get the wrong one, you just die.

I mean how many totally well meaning people buy land in the country thinking they are going to run a little hobby farm and it is going to be so cool and they will have big colorful produce not like the crap you get in stores and then oops it turns out farming is hard work and it never ever ends and honestly a lot of times, you know, it takes a few crop seasons to really get anything going. And I know it's not really cool to admit, but a whole lot of modern farming is huge agribusiness companies with modern chemicals and whatnot for things like pests. Subsistence farming is hard, brutal labor where you barely make enough to survive until you screw up and die.

Yeah, yeah, organic, but lots of times farms fail and you just die.

Until relatively recently it was pretty common for entire regions and even countries to have massive famines because the crops failed and you Just Died.

Good thing we have modern distribution networks to get wheat from, I dunno, China when the Midwest crops fail because because there's no Army Corps of Engineers maintaining the levees anymore so a good chunk of the farm belt is underwater and never will be above ground again. Oh we don't have that anymore? What do we do?

Oh, we just die.

I mean, let's be real, most of these guys aren't picturing themselves as stocking up to spend the rest of their lives being an old timey sodbuster scraping out a living. They probably don't outright say it publicly (some do I'm sure), but the guns are so they don't have to do the manual labor. That's for the slaves/completely totally voluntarily indentured contract labor (depends how Libertarian they are).

They picture it more like, you know, because I was the one who was smart enough to get all these guns, then people will have to come to me, and THEY will do the work, and I will sit on the throne and have big ideas. It's being the Ideas Guy for the post apocalypse.

I would wager not many of these guys spend a lot of time studiously learning to spin and knit and weave or mastering growing flax or cotton or what have you to make cloth to turn into clothes. What do you think happens when your sicknasty BDUs that only True Operators wear rip from stem to stern? Goddamn clothes, nobody makes them to last anymore. Good thing there's a massive manufacturing and distribution network where child labor makes plenty of this in my size that wind up in my local Cabela's and...oh, I forgot, that doesn't exist anymore. Okay, let's see, we have 500,000 rounds of .223 and 55 years of MREs and...goddamn it Gary did you forget the go bag with all the clothes? Well how are we gonna survive? Winter is coming. How do we stay warm without clothes or blankets?

Oh, we just die.

That's not even getting into the monied classes. Do you think THEY are signing up for the manual labor. It is kind of funny imagining the billionaires emerging from their bunkers into the brave new world. Imagine Zucc swinging a scythe to reap grain or Bezos spending 8 hours a day bent over to pick cotton to eventually make clothes. Or the billionaire CFO and airport novelist teaming up to hand-dig the irrigation trench because we are getting low on stockpiled seeds and this is going to be it.

It's absurd. It's like the Hitchhiker's Guide ship entirely full of useless people.

The would-be Immortan Joe has a shot but how in the hell are you still going to be a billionaire when your money is a line in a bank database and "money" and "banks" and "databases" don't exist anymore. You're a computer programmer, dipshit, that requires electricity at the very least.

No, no, no. What they are picturing is, basically, the Proletariat Rapture. "I will retire to my comfortably appointed bunker where I will still get to be a big shot business guy and take meetings and be extremely important and all my guards with explosive collars to assure their loyalty will call me sir, and then something will happen and all the homeless and poor people I see on the streets of San Francisco and all the other poor people, the rabble, the useless, (include the races they don't like as appropriate), will be gone, preferably violently, with lots of suffering. And then me and my buddies will emerge, all 12 of us, all Big Shot Business Guys, will take our robot cars into San Francisco for Meetings and we finally, FINALLY won't have to risk soiling our $5000 hand made Italian dress shoes (new Chucks, in Zucc's case, man of the people) stepping in a pile of human shit. And everything will be exactly the same as it is now including a global electronic trade network and people thinking "apps" are life-changingly important, but even better, because the people I don't like are all dead, and we can finally settle in to the most important work of all, disrupting the convenience store industry by putting a little kiosk in the lobby of apartment building with some essentials, like a Bodega but see there's an app and it's automated."

That's not even getting into the lack of knowledge transfer!

We can't even get people to believe things like "okay so a lot of illness is caused by tiny things you can't see, and believe it or not the best treatment isn't thoughts and prayers or willpower or even bootstraps, it's covering your mouth and nose when you're sick or cough or sneeze and it's rubbing your hands together enthusiastically in clean running water with a mild detergent of some kind smeared on them" NOW!

By the shock collar thing isn't a joke. There's an article where the writer goes to one of these rich guy survivalist conference/seminar things and the conversation is pretty much literally...

"Okay so obviously we hire these mercenaries and private security and they've got the guns and we've got the money but, you know, how do we make sure they stay loyal"

"Well...you could try treating them really well and also including their families and taking care of them, so they have an incentive besides a paycheck, build actual loyalty."

*silence*

*hysterical laughter*

"Nice joke but seriously like I saw this movie where they had explosive collars and if they didn't like you or you turn against them or whatever, they blow your head off, does that actually exist yet?'

Say what you will about the robber barons of the 1920s but at least they realized some basics like "give back to the community a smidge so they don't remember they outnumber you" and "generally speaking our beloved capitalism requires other people to have at least a single wafer thin mint of money so the whole thing keeps going." These guys are like "okay but I could have all the money and also more capitalism enabling me to have even more money?"

Okay okay, work with me.

You are Reebok (some shoes they gave you, it said Reebok, that's your name) Smithandwesson (your gun, which you were issued at birth, as this is post apocalyptic Libertopia). You are a gate guard for the Republic of Cleveland, which is a thing, and isn't really a republic, but since you were born post-Event you don't have much of an understanding of what a Republic even is. But you have a job and that is okay because you have a weapon and a bunk in the barracks and you are basically fed and supplied. Maybe if you fantasize, you think about running one of the outer satrapys some day. But you are not a Founder. The idea of Moving Fast and Breaking Things seems odd, because things are hard to fix and replace.

You don't have an inkling or idea of what "shareholder value" is. You poor dumb son of a bitch. You will never earn incredible returns and work a 4 Hour Workweek and retire at 35 to give TED talks about ayahuasca and microdosing hallucinogens to crush code and design Wireframes for cutting edge AR devices to stream Burning Man and meet new angel investors.

You know some of these words, but they are words and the important ones are different for you.

Your job is actually kind of interesting. You don't really make the final decision about who gets to be a citizen or a concubine or a slave or even a fellow gate guard. You just kind of do a screening to see, you know, does this person seem more or less healthy and useful. Because even glorious Cleveland requires a certain trade of useful labor of some kind in exchange for the hassle of getting you clothes and food and shelter, all of which are in short supply.

Sometimes you vaguely wonder who Cleve was and why this is his Land, but not deeply, more daydreaming between people approaching, petitioners, traders, madmen, the occasional raid. It's interesting enough, every day is a little different, and it beats the poor wretches who toil in the field. You don't get to do deep evaluations but you kind of pride yourself on deciding who gets to enter. Really deciding who will be a future citizen or slave and who gets gently herded away or shot at or shot depending on a variety of factors. You're not a murderer exactly but killing is a casual decision, sometimes a matter of self defense, sometimes an act of compassion like putting down a mad animal.

Zucc or Jack Dorsey or Jeff Bezos have emerged from their bunkers tanned and rested and ready to deliver a ton of value to the post-apocalyptic shareholders, especially now that the idea of "national government" is gone. Free at last to disrupt, unhindered.

But...

There's not a Ted Talk in sight. You wonder whose job it was to maintain the ATM network. Jim Cramer isn't returning your calls. Actually, you can't get any calls. Nobody seems interested in having a breakout session. There are definitely NOT butts in seats at the office, much less meetings or presidential runs. Elon is unreachable. Weirdly, nobody seems to know how the whole Mars thing is going. Or what Mars is.

Over a period of time even the most promising 30 under 30 begins to break down and admit that okay, I cannot find a single sushi restaurant of any kind.

Nobody seems to offer you a kombucha.

There is plenty of raw water but there also seem to be a LOT of people dying of waterborne disease, which is odd, since this is the most pure and organic and unfiltered water possible, especially since toxins seem to be unknown. Nobody knows what they are anyway or that Gwyneth had a great way to shit them all out and get it over with.

Using acai, isn't that cool? It's a superfood.

Through time and necessity and plot device, Bezos or Zucc or Dorsey have arrived in front of you, reduced finally to asking for refuge or sustenance or food it doesn't have to be organic but it would be nice, you know.

There is an air of desperation about them but you know enough to put it down to hunger and theist and some loss of status perhaps. But you steer the conversation to the thing you really care about: what skills do they bring? How can they be of use?

They do seem to think they are extremely important but don't seem to be able to tell you what they actually do. You sort of get the idea of "thought leadership," But telling other people how to be in charge when you don't have a rifle, much less 300 mounted troops, seems odd. Why would they listen? They plead with you but you don't really get why it's important all voices be represented in the conversation about Star Wars, even those we find loathsome. You didn't even know the Stars were at War much less who they were fighting.

But it's kind of fascinating.

They don't quite sound completely gone but they do seem deeply convinced that they "deliver shareholders value" by optimizing bottom lines and making tough choices.

You snort.

Whether to try the "meat" on Wednesdays, now THAT is a tough choice.

While this is an interesting bit of novelty for a while, you soon grow bored.

Maybe you send them away.

One tells you he is the richest man in the world but seems to be offering you stock options but you can't figure out why you would want the chance to maybe buy some things at a reduced price and then sell them later at a high price if Previous Performance Indicates Future Results which it definitely DOES NOT wink wink.

Maybe you send them onward because they seem reasonably lucid despite being convinced they went to Space as a Real Astronaut, whatever that meant. Many "important" men found out their choice now was to shovel shit or starve. Most shoveled. Some starved.

But you always wonder if you were missing something. It was kind of weird how convinced they were that you should've heard of them or a book of...collected faces, apparently. To say nothing of the very odd man convinced getting a wide array of opinion on the gender of some manner of knight was of life or death importance. Knights were hard to find. And who is Jed I. anyway?

Oh, well, another day on the gate.

#survival #post apocalypse #libertarian #prepper

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zalrb · 7 years

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Damon is so trifling {1x02 Review}

Hi all! Welcome to the second review of TVD season 1. Considering that I haven’t like sat down to watch a full episode of the past seasons of TVD in a few years and my memory might not be the greatest I think I will start with my usual disclaimer: I will write my thoughts in real time so if I make a mistake at the beginning of this post, it will be corrected by the end. There will be anti-Damon and anti-Delena sentiments (I’m only mentioning these two because it’s the beginning of the series), I will probably bring up other shows and call attention to misogynoir, racism, anti-blackness etc. Ready? Let’s go.

1. OMG Help I’m Alive is playing in the opening scene. It takes me back.

2. I forgot that we actually get to see randoms in the opening scenes before, you know, Damon kills them.

3. Actually very cinematic openings. WOW. Totally forgot.

4. Elena’s face at remembering the all-night conversation she had with Stefan is just so affected, like that conversation changed her entire life.

5. “Do I look adult?” Jenna, WHO is the guardian?

6. “Something about a woodshop to finish a bird house ... There is no woodshop is there?” Jenna, your nephew is a fucking drug dealer, how do you not know there is no woodshop? How uninvolved ARE you?

7. Elena smiling being caught by Tanner for staring at Stefan is SO cute.

8. I don’t know how people keep maintaining that SE had no buildup, they’re talking about Charlotte Bronte right now. You know, sharing interests?

9. Stefan you are so OBVIOUS, does your head have to go upward when you hear “vampire’? Play it cool.

10. “Six classes, that’s hard to do...” Jenna, it is not hard to skip six classes.

11. Tanner may be a dick but him questioning Jenna’s parenting abilities is giving me life because girl, what the fuck are you doing?

12. Stefan’s jeans are better, thank God.

13. Isn’t there a panic button in the room? Why would Matt have to go outside for the nurse? So Stefan can go in. Lol, details.

14. LOL Bonnie’s scandalized expression at Caroline’s “Just jump his bones already!” is everything.

15. Jeremy legit just walked out of the room, no respect for Jenna whatsoever.

16. Not gonna lie, Matt looks good in that shirt in the hospital with Vicki. He had potential.

17. The girl who plays Vicki is not a convincing actress.

18. Jeremy looks so young.

19. Lol, Elena, Stefan, guys, PHONES EXIST. Dorks.

20. Seriously, all Damon does is terrorize Elena. Also how do vampires get doors to close without humans hearing them?

21. DAMON’S HAIR IS RIDICULOUS. It looks like a goddamn bird’s nest.

22. And Ian looks really old compared to Nina.

23. Those stupid fucking eyebrows. I want to punch him, man.

24. “I know I should’ve called, I just...” at least they mention phones lmao.

25. Ian’s eyes are not expressive, he just waggles his eyebrows a lot.

26. Paul actually managed to make Stefan look like a rock solid statue when he was glaring at Ian, like he is seriously underrated as an actor.

27. Jeremy, just because you have a hood doesn’t mean you were invisible.

28. “Quit skipping class or you’re grounded.” No, Jenna, he gets grounded FOR skipping class. Girl, bye.

29. Really though, Damon legit fucked up Vicki’s life.

30. We actually see random people in MF, like there are OTHER people in the town.

31. Elena’s outfit is on point.

32. “I get around” is playing back, lmao I made a multivid to this song. HAHAHA.

33. “Is she worth it, uncle Stefan? This girl you came back for?” Seriously, this is important. Stefan’s life has become way more chaotic because he has to know Elena, he’s risking a lot so he can get to know her and it’s the second episode, the Us Against The World, Profound Love is BUILT INTO the narrative.

34. Oh yes, give Vicki some pills in the Grill and Vicki take them there too like y’all aren’t in public.

35. It seriously is a big deal that Jeremy is a dealer and the show is treating it like it’s just a phase, no it’s juvie, at the very least probation!

36. I like the SE candle meeting for a few reasons. Firstly, I find it very poetic and beautiful, the joining of two flames only to realize you’re connecting to your soulmate. Secondly, Ninas fucking eyes, man, the way they shine? The way her mouth parts? And Paul’s eyes, that smile on his face... This is legit chemistry.

37. I always think I can eat and watch something but I always get distracted and this bulgogi and rice is liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

38. I think a really underrated scene is when Stefan tells Elena that the comet has been travelling all alone and Elena responds, “Yeah, Bonnie says it’s a harbinger of evil” and then has this look on her face like omg, WHY would you SAY that to him? Totally stupid thing to say! Cause we all have those moments where you say something awkward to the person you’re vibing on and you’re like ... So I’ll just go die in a corner somewhere.

39. I also really like that when Elena says, “You seem to spend a lot of time apologizing” Stefan doesn’t deny it, he’s just like “I have a lot to apologize for”, I mean he’s honest about his faults.

40. And the show actually did a good job with this scene showing how Elena is building walls around Stefan, she refuses to look at him, she keeps talking about getting hurt, she’s being forcefully guarded and then later on she decides she can’t do that forever and that she has something really special with Stefan even if it’s new. I never got that sense with DE especially since there was no grey area there, with Stefan, there IS a grey area like, you can decide to be without him and be away from the complexity of his existence and be unhappy or you can be with him, be in love but deal with chaotic circumstances, pick one, with DE it’s just like so be with the man who terrorized you friends and family or don’t be with the man who terrorized your friends and family.

41. I actually finished my beef and rice at the same time and I am HAPPY because usually they don’t give you enough bulgogi or they don’t give you enough rice.

42. Elena was looking for you to tell her “um that’s a bullshit excuse” though, Stefan.

43. Damon’s. Hair. Is. Ridiculous.

44. Elena stop “threatening” Jeremy with therapy and send his ass to therapy.

45. LOL Stefan is actually REALLY intimidating because he just STARES and he’s all chiselled and intense-eyed. Matt is there babbling about looking out for Elena and Stefan’s just STARING and Matt’s like ... ... ...

46. Like how many times is Damon going to fucking terrorize Vicki?

47. OK so I get that Stefan’s compulsion on Vicki was weak because he didn’t feed from a human so does that mean when Damon tells her to think really hard, she broke the compulsion and then Damon can re-compel her to think Stefan bit her? Because in 1x17 Damon says he can’t compel an already compelled person to let him into the house. So.

48. Damon is fucking ridiculous and trifling.

49. He isn’t even funny or charming, he’s just ANNOYING and unnecessarily homicidal.

50. Jenna, having a freakout about parenting your teen niece and nephew to your teen niece is ridiculous, like how are you asking your teen niece to walk you through parenting her? LIKE OMG.

51. I don’t even get what Jeremy sees in Vicki though.

52. Yeah, not a fan of Caroline’s yellow dress and black boots. Glad her wardrobe got better in season 2.

53. Seriously, the way Elena looks at Stefan.

54. And Stefan looks at Elena with such intense focus, I would be so tongue-tied.

55. Damon biting Caroline, being trifling af again.

1x02 is very suspenseful in the sense that you have Vicki freaking out because Damon fucked her up, Matt following Stefan through the hospital, a lot of false scares, lots of shadows, the narrative is still a little weak though, it’s why when I did used to watch TVD again, I would start from when Elena knows Stefan is a vampire because that’s when he show really picks up. On to 1x03.

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trendingnewsb · 6 years

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Hey Everybody, Jurassic World Sucked (And Here’s Why)

We’re now entering the mandatory hype period for the Jurassic World sequel — and for good reason, too. The first one made $1.6 billion at the box office. It’s at a solid 70 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, and went on to be the seventh-highest-grossing Blu-ray in the U.S. The film was a shining success by every metric there is.

Well, except mine. I hated Jurassic World like an anal rash. I walked out of it the first time I saw it, because I’d rather be in a porn theater with Brett Ratner than a regular theater playing Jurassic World. To me, this was the Phantom Menace of the Jurassic Park franchise — a popular film, heavily praised, which would ultimately be considered a baffling cinematic shart once the nostalgia dust cleared.

Entertainment WeeklyNever forget what you did, America.

I know this sounds like the opinion of one angry man with a possible cornhole affliction, but I’d like you to take a second and allow me to calmly explain why I’m objectively correct. This was a visually broken film made by a boardroom of glossed dildos who had no idea why the original movie was so beloved. And I’m going to prove it right now. Calmly and briefly, like some kind of pedantic monk.

Read Next

6 Movies Aimed At Kids (With Scenes That Definitely Weren't)

The film starts on a meta observation by Bryce Dallas Howard’s character, as one of her first lines is “Let’s be honest, no one’s impressed by a dinosaur anymore.” This single bit of dialogue serves as the crutch on which the entire movie slumps, a lazy sentiment I’ve seen countless times when people defend why they enjoyed this film. “Hey, it was a stupid fun time! You can’t expect it to have the same impact as Jurassic Park, a movie made 20 years ago!” Only the truth isn’t that moviegoers are no longer impressed by seeing a dinosaur, but that Jurassic World had no goddamn idea how to make a dinosaur impressive. But they choose to neg the audience instead of owning up to it, like biting someone’s dick off and then declaring “People just don’t like blowjobs anymore.”

So let me give you the first of many examples. Please pay close attention to the following expertly made GIFs:

Universal Pictures

Universal Pictures“Careful, it can smell franchise desperation.”

This is the scene wherein the Indominus Rex first escapes from its enclosure and chases our Chris Pratt under the truck. Had we not clearly known he was the star, this could have been a moment of visual suspense. Only it’s not quite right.

See, for most of this scene, the camera stays under the truck with Pratt. This creates a feeling of claustrophobia and helplessness, akin to being a trapped animal or a Japanese game show contestant. It makes us equally disoriented as to where the dinosaur is (like the character would be). It’s also exactly how Spielberg shot the T-rex escape scene in the original. That entire sequence was mainly seen from inside the cars. And while they try to do the same thing, Jurassic World stupidly cuts to a wide shot, revealing the dinosaur’s location and breaking that tension.

Universal Pictures

This single shot ruins the moment. And watch what happens when I remove it:

Universal Pictures

Obviously the timing is off because I removed a shot, but staying under the car considerably improves the fear factor of that scene. Could they not take a cue from the classic film they were referencing? I get that Spielberg is, like … the best living director, but these little tweaks don’t require the brain of Orson Welles. You don’t have to be Movie-Sherlock to deduce how tense the car scene in Jurassic Park is, and how grandstandingly clown shit this looks in comparison:

Universal Pictures“GGGGOOOOOOAAALLLLLLLLLL!”

I’m legitimately alarmed that anyone watched three turd-colored cartoon dinosaurs Pele a giant hamster ball and thought, “Yeah, this is what I wanted Jurassic World to be.” But even if you did enjoy this scene, there’s still something not quite right about it. For such a hilariously violent moment, I don’t feel like the kids are in an ounce of danger. And that’s probably because they don’t really show them much, instead cutting to wider shots to boast the batshit action. Much like Pratt under the truck, I would have rather experienced this from the disoriented POV of the characters inside the ball, feeling every slam and spin. But these terrified kids barely look jostled or injured after flying through a forest … even when this happens:

Universal PicturesNote: That kid’s terrible hair is not CGI. It’s naturally that annoying.

I’ve seen enough Russian dashcam videos to know that when a vehicle goes really fast and then suddenly stops, the things inside of it tend to react. These kids get slammed violently into the ground and don’t even seem to notice. The one on the right just keeps screaming, while the one on the left doesn’t even stop fiddling with the seat while being piledrived into shattering glass. Not even their heads or arms seem affected by the physics of the impact. It’s almost as if … and hear me out … they filmed this against some kind of green screen, forgot to tell the actors how to react, and then clumsily stuck the footage together in post. And so while the environment and dinosaurs look photoreal, the scene plays out like a shitty cartoon. This is below farm league. Hell, it’s below every agricultural coalition of sports players you can imagine.

And the failure of bare bones filmmaking ranges everywhere from making a scene exciting to simply trying to make it effective. If several people are eagerly looking into the cage of a fierce goat-destroyer, and that creature isn’t showing up, you should show a shot of the empty cage, right? Like this:

Universal Pictures

This scene goes silently back and forth between the looks of anticipation and the creepily deserted cage, the camera never crossing over the fence so as to give the T-rex paddock a feeling of danger. Again, that’s basic day one filmmaking. Shot, reverse shot.

Universal Pictures

And Jurassic World couldn’t even manage that.

No shitting, this sequence in which Pratt and Howard look into the Indominus cage and realize it’s empty never cuts to a shot looking into the empty cage. They tap on the glass and exclaim that it’s missing, but we the audience are never shown that. We’re not experiencing the tension through their eyes, and in fact become totally removed when the film pulls out to a wide shot from inside the barrier.

Universal PicturesYou know, that thing that Spielberg knew not to do.

I know that sounds like a really minor issue, but it’s the root of the problem with the film’s visuals: At no point does the camera know who the main characters are, or how to show us what they are feeling. There’s no perspective. I could spend pages pointing out each shitty little problem, but I want to focus on the ones that clearly undermine the emotional impact of the dinosaurs, which are often shot in the least awe-inspiring ways possible.

Take the first mosasaurus scene. It shouldn’t be hard to film a 55-foot aquatic swallow-beast performing Shamu tricks, right? The point of the moment is how excited our characters are to see this massive creature burst from the water. So it would make sense to film its entrance from an angle that shows off its size — preferably through the eyes of the audience.

Universal Pictures

Nope. Jurassic World decided to shoot it from the dead shark’s perspective, which happens to be the only angle that makes the mosasaurus look small. Sure, it’s a neat-looking shot, but not the most impactful in terms of believability or scale. Like the cinematography equivalent of shutter shades, this film has a terrible habit of trading effective framing for looking “cool.” The camera has no discernible limitations to where it might suddenly be, forcing us to constantly remember that what we’re seeing is fake.

Remember the ending grapple between the Indominus Rex and Tyrannosaurus? No doubt you were reminded of the much less complicated battle at the end of Jurassic Park.

Universal Pictures

Notice how the camera stays at human eye-level and starts from behind the shoulders of the fleeing characters? That’s because we’re watching this through their pants-shitting POV. It’s a rather simple camera move, which is why it feels like a real thing that’s happening.

Now let’s look at the moment of battle from Jurassic World:

Universal Pictures

Whose eyes are we watching this with? Is someone flying a drone around the dinosaurs as they fight? Are we in the Matrix? That would certainly explain why, when the dinosaur’s tail violently swings over our actress, she doesn’t even flinch. This movie made a billion dollars.

See — this sequence certainly looks neat, but it totally fails to portray any emotional weight or even a human perspective. Instead of filming this like a real thing happening to real people, the filmmakers wanted to show off how cool their CGI dinosaurs looked from every angle, swinging the camera high in the air like they were tiny children toys. Only no one is scared of tiny children’s toys, you assholes.

Look, I know I said this was gonna be calm, but the mediocrity feeds my rage-blood like sweet gamma rays. They miss every obvious opportunity to scare us. One of the first things established about the Indominus Rex is that it can camouflage, and they use this exactly once. Remember how the shark in Jaws was scary because you couldn’t see it for most of the film? Well, Mr. Moviepants, you have a movie monster that literally turns invisible, and you never use that to conceal it from the audience? You opt to spoil any mystery 30 minutes in? You pricks. You dirty Moviepants pricks. But imagine how much freakier that Chris Pratt truck scene would have been with a giant goddamn predatorsaur. Why can’t I see your fucking predatorsaur, Jurassic World?

I need a moment. This was supposed to be like 600 words long, and I feel like I may have overextended that. Let’s all walk away and come back in 15. OK? OK.

So here’s a scene in Jurassic World that I actually liked. Remember when they stick cameras on all the raptors?

Universal Pictures“If we survive this, I can’t wait to show you my Raptors Gone Wild DVD idea.”

That was a neat scene! One of the few times the movie made me feel tension was when we realize the Indominus Rex is part raptor and it becomes their alpha, turning them on their human handlers.

Universal Pictures“Their dicks. Bite off their dicks first.”

This shot of them all slowly turning around was chilling. I was certain the very next thing we were gonna see was a slaughter, ironically shown from the perspective of those cameras they attached to the raptor’s heads. Wonderf-

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–uck. Instead of paying off the cameras, the film suddenly switches tones into action mode, breaking all the tension it earned a second ago. And while we eventually do see a few cutaway shots from the raptor-cams, that should have been exclusively what we saw. This entire scene should have taken place in the control room, playing out on a sea of horrified faces. But again, this movie has no idea what perspective to show us, opting to fly in every possible direction like a drunk goose. What a piece of shit, that goose.

But that’s not the only issue. While the score often invokes John Williams, the movie’s visuals and writing have no idea what to do with that. Remember the helicopter landing scene in Jurassic Park, and that infamous Williams score? Of course you do. You’re getting aroused even thinking about it.

Universal Pictures“Buh bah, buh BAH, bah nuh nah, nuh nah, nuh naaah!”

That was the “call to adventure” moment for the heroes, the journey into Act Two as a group of excited strangers arrive at the island for the first time. This music is also used in a helicopter scene Jurassic World, the one tiny difference being that it’s insanely inappropriate for what’s happening …

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The characters are in a helicopter, sure. And that helicopter is flying shakily like in the original, yes. And they even fly by the same waterfall from the original scene this song played during …

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But these characters aren’t on their “call to adventure.” They’re three business associates going on a casual ride to review a new attraction. The point of the scene is that they are ridiculously blase about their dinosaur jobs.

So why is this exciting music playing? Why are they showing us the waterfall? Are they being ironic? Are you trying to be fucking ironic, Jurassic World? A better guess is that they needed to shove those elements in there to spark our nostalgia, the result being the equivalent of playing the Jaws theme over a guy eating toast.

And this sums up the film for me: nostalgic callbacks lacking any understanding of what they are referencing. The result is a “pretty fun” film we hurled money-bergs at because it triggered our childhood memories. I mean, try to watch this moment from the original film without getting wistful for the days of light-up sneakers …

Universal Pictures“Bah nah nah … nah bah! Bah nah nah … nah nah!”

It’s so awe-inspiring and emotional. Alan Grant spent his entire khaki-smothered life studying dinosaurs, and he just turned to see a fucking gaggle of them for the first time. The classic theme swells as the camera pushes in on his face before cutting to a wide shot from the group’s perspective, then back to everyone’s reaction. The scene continues to cut from amazed face to amazed face as John Williams musically fucks all our mothers. Because this moment, and the iconic theme song, is not about the dinosaurs. It’s about the characters’ emotional reaction to them. That’s why when the film eventually closes on Grant smiling out at the dinosaur-like birds, the theme returns once again. Because even though his weekend on dinosaur island killed a lot of people, it didn’t kill his giddy passion for digging up their monster bones. Good for him!

Jurassic World also uses the theme in a similar moment. Our lead child has been established as a dinosaur geek who’s overjoyed about visiting the park. We follow him as he excitedly bursts into his hotel room, runs to the balcony, and (as the classic theme swells) opens it to see the park for the first time …

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… and the camera blows right past him, never thinking to show us his face or even stay in the same proximity. Instead of cutting back to the amazed look in his eyes or establishing any kind of emotional connection with our protagonist, the filmmakers get distracted by zooming in on the visitor’s center … for some reason. Why the hell are they showing us this? What narrative purpose does this CGI pyramid butt plug serve? The kid burst through a window to the Jurassic Park theme, and the next thing you show isn’t a goddamn dinosaur? This isn’t called Visitor’s Center World, you movie-ruining goblins. And this movie made 1.6 billion dollars.

David hated Jurassic World, and so can you! Just talk to him on Twitter to find out how!

These Wearable Velociraptor Claws were one of the exceptionally cool things to come from Jurassic World, but- oh, and the Chomping Velociraptor Head! OK, but otherwise, David makes some solid points.

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Nightmarish villains with superhuman enhancements. An all-seeing social network that tracks your every move. A young woman from the trailer park and her very smelly cat. Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits, a new novel about futuristic shit, by David Wong.