#but last time I was online it was 'fuck it - smugs your jugs'

[floggingink]

Riverdale, “Chapter Eighteen: When a Stranger Calls”

good afternoon, this episode made me lose sleep

Jughead doesn’t even have his framing narration voiceover, because he is in too much pain, RETROACTIVELY, to WRITE IT DOWN

this is a great episode, but it’s especially a great episode for Betty’s left eyebrow, Alice’s left eyebrow, and Jughead’s pecs

there’s a very STEALTHY ticking clock sound in the background of Betty and the Black Hood’s phonecall, taken in spirit, I hope, from Hans Zimmer’s Dunkirk soundtrack, where you don’t notice it but the protracted effect makes you feel like you’re going crazy

Jughead is Betty’s “mystery-loving boyfriend”

Alice was fond of Jughead so long as he was on Betty’s newspaper staff and showed Alice compassion when her family life was crumbling, but now that he lives in a different zip code she’s over it

Archie in green is always his best choice

Archie of course walks Betty to school and of course promises not to tell a secret before he hears it

does Betty enlist Archie as her handmaiden because he’s the best choice (will do as she says, will not branch out on his own, will refuse on moral grounds to abandon her) or because she can do so with the least amount of fanfare?

“BETTY, YOU HAVE TO TELL THE POLICE, EVEN IF IT’S NOT HIM.” Archie drops some vintage bon mots today!

The Blossom spawn: it’s incredible that the Black Hood knows where Polly is when it seems like Betty doesn’t even know

Dilton Doiley is a canonically great dancer: Dilton’s stunt got the southside into more trouble, which seems like exactly the amount of power he wants to wield

remember last season when Dilton caved to Jughead’s threat of exposing him as a gun-loving loon? Dilton has purged his life of all semblances of normalcy, out in the open, so no one can do that again

apparently now we can all chill in Hiram’s study with him

Veronica was rich: Hiram’s true crime is gentrification! sounds about right!

Certified pedigree: Veronica perks up and Hermione and Hiram look at each other and agree to the same game plan silently: pimp her out

Sweet Pea is, I think, showing commendable patience towards Jughead, for someone who does not necessarily have to, for still having this particular girlfriend and best friend (“your boy, Andrews”) after day after day of southside-reasons not to. Jughead is like….I know….I don’t control them….

Jughead did not see Veronica shooting a gun coming! poor Jug is so out of the loop!

I guess Fangs earned his stripes? was it by getting an engineering degree?

What damn high school in America: okay wait, I missed before when they explained that “Fogarty’s cousin” is “in the Army” and was “going to build us something.” I can’t believe they actually FUCKING EXPLAIN IT

Sweet Pea did not know who he was talking to when he tried to hit Jughead with “It can’t get any worse.” Jughead is like, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING—

“You can’t be half a Serpent”: it’s FASCINATING TO ME how the actual on-the-ground Serpents deal with Jughead, who is familially a Serpent but not an indoctrinated one, who has been baptised but not confirmed, if you will, who keeps telling them to knock it off with the gang stuff, and yet they’re like, very careful about giving him latitude to move around in their world without having paid his membership fee, you know? I just think it’s amazing how, and I know it’s a TV show and not like a documentary, but I think it’s an interesting choice how Sweet Pea isn’t just like, Get fucked, Jughead. he hears Jughead’s objections. he explains himself

These students are legally children: the grown-up Serpents either ghost-endorse the Serpent kids taking matters into their own hands or have no idea it’s happening. either way, these kids may not have flashy extracurriculars, but they have moxie

Toni calls Sweet Pea an idiot, which is great

Veronica says she and Nicky were the “will-they-or-won’t-they” of her old “jet-set”

admirably, she immediately tells Archie not to worry about him

Betty is barely hanging on to patience for absolutely anything

I want it on the record that Jughead not wearing his fleece jacket is slightly jarring after all this time and that he still looks great in the leather one

Sweet Pea calls him a “northsider” when he walks in, which seems like a callback to a World War II sergeant calling everybody “ladies”

I’ve seen Brick like thirty times: Jughead is lit from behind by one of the yellow lamps, casting a glow around his hat like a fucking Renaissance painting

Gay?!: SERPENT DADDDDDYYYYY is going to “initiate” Jughead, because Riverdale loves me

Toni is looking at Jughead like she truly regrets his death, which is probably right

Archie, chilling out with Betty in her bedroom, totally without sexual pretence and just there to listen to the phone call on speaker, is GOOD ARCHIE

when Betty parries the Black Hood’s demand with her own, Archie mouths “WHAT ARE YOU DOING,” because he set a game plan

Betty is blue is her best choice

“Wait...is that…” ...VINTAGE TWIN PEAKS-ERA MÄDCHEN AMICK??!

the baby Serpents lined themselves up classically, in descending order from the middle, for Jughead’s aesthetic benefit

is it possible Toni is the only one who knows Jughead’s name is Forsythe?

Archie is pretty okay with Betty building this relationship with the Black Hood, as you will remember Archie is just as obsessed with him. also, Archie is taking it pretty well that it turns out BH is into Betty instead of him. he’s not insulted or anything

he’s SO RIGHT about Alice always ragging on all of them, too! Archie’s sudden flashes of insight are revelatory

the St. Clairs are appropriately fur-covered and smug, and Nicholas St. Clair, AKA ZACH FLORRICK FROM THE GOOD WIFE, is adorable and that actor has looked exactly like that for the past seven years

why didn’t Nicky and Veronica ever sync up? they’re both schemers and that’s a difficult needle to thread? like Blair and Chuck?

I am insulted on Betty’s behalf that Alice would think Betty would write the cipher herself, in that I would hope Alice would know Betty would have more sense than to be so obvious as to use a Nancy Drew code

Jughead is officially Betty’s “Serpent boyfriend”!!!! we have arrived, Alice!

50 Shades of Betty: Betty straight destroys her mother after getting eye-rolled at

Archie does bicep curls on his bed because he’s THAT good-looking

Toni’s FLANNEL TIGHTS are great

Jughead calls Sweet Pea an idiot too, after Toni opened that gate

OF COURSE Jughead is only joining the Serpents to try and keep the peace, because he finally found a cause to martyr himself to that is as grungy and doomed as possible and with no goshdarn way he can succeed

I’m down with the six rules! but I don’t think the show has told me exactly what being a Serpent entails yet. like what do gangs do? the Serpents aren’t a particularly druggy gang, apparently, like the motorcycle dudes in True Detective (the Ghoulies) or anything. it seems like they mostly exist to get ragged on and take care of their widows, like a very sad union

Jughead is truly scared to stick his hand in that tank and if Kevin were there he would have burst into tears

in fond congratulations, Toni calls him “Juggie,” which set off a synaptic transmission in my amygdala first time around. Jughead does a double take at it and Toni herself looks kind of like, Whoops, but then sort of pleased at her own daring

POP DOESN’T JUDGE. HE WAS HERE DURING THE RIOTS AND HE DOESN’T JUDGE

Betty having her own fucking newspaper makes me so fucking happy. I fucking love Betty goddammit

Betty’s splash of sparkles on her sweater is great too. YOU’RE ALWAYS SO PRETTY BETTY

Hermione made a flan. Hermione kind of cooks! ...unless it was Andre

Nicky’s bullet is kind of cute, in a stupid way

Archie was blindly terrified to drink rum, so I don’t think he’s going to snort cocaine

in the beginning of this episode, in the beginning, Nicky basically IS Veronica. just watch it and pretend Camilla is reading all his lines. he calls Archie “Big Red” and everyone “country mice” and says things like “What a brave new world it is” and thinks it’s hot Veronica is in a band with a sexy name. and Veronica knows this, and it makes her uncomfortable

“Damn good coffee”: the retro “Lollipop” ringtone is psycho by only the second time you hear it. Dilton would love it

“How does it feel, Betty?” FEELS GREAT!

Black Hood out here really believing Veronica is complicit with her father’s crimes??? maybe if it was for getting that girl to drink gutter water

Betty and Jughead haven’t seen each other in 24-48 hours and their meetup kiss is like if Jughead like, immigrated to America and sent money back home FOR YEARS while he worked in THE MINES until he saved enough for Betty to join him and they just met on the pier during a glorious sunset, I didn’t get a lot of sleep!!!!! the kiss is really good. is it the best kiss? it’s because it’s like their first kiss but over the other shoulder. was their best kiss in the trailer park with the God light?

THEY FEEL “UNMOORED” WITHOUT EACH OTHER, GOOD EVENING DEATH

obviously the best kiss was when Jughead tossed her up on his countertop like she was a black truffle salad at the Grill Room and bit her collarbone

Jughead: “I just wanted to make sure you were still alive.” Betty: “KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.”

Jughead read the Blue & Gold article online and glowed with pride. he showed Sweet Pea: “SEE. SHE writes stuff like THIS.”

aw, they’re both sitting there, holding hands, lying to each other

I love Jughead wanting to literally leave Riverdale. Season One Jughead was obsessed with Riverdale. Season Two Jughead is like FUCK Riverdale

I hate how Jughead is gazing at Betty from across the table when she cries her single tear because it was so beautiful I had to punch through a window like Josh Lyman and it hurt and I retroactively hate Jughead for that

Betty calls them “Romeo and Juliet, but we live happily ever after instead,” because she doesn’t know she’s only eighteen minutes into the episode

Nick’s white cardigan? sure

he gets another Veronica line with “You Pussycats are pearls before the swine of Riverdale.” is this how people in Manhattan talk now?

Cheryl’s a chaos angel from hell: Cheryl gets herself invited to the party by introducing herself, which would not work if this were Jane Austen, unless Nick were Henry Crawford, but Cheryl’s got this like black romper thing going on and posed in the doorway like one of the “Cell Block Tango” girls and at this point is a walking Riverdale legend

“Ten o’clock you said? I’ll be there at eleven.”

Archie crashes gently into someone while he chases Betty, which is a callback to Archie constantly falling over shit in the comics

Veronica probably went to the Gilded Lily after one of those Met Galas she keeps comparing things to

I think Gal Gadot’s last name is more like “Gadought” (not really like that) than like in Waiting for Godot, but whatever Cheryl wants

God bless jingle-jangle: my man hooked him up!!!

Veronica’s layered floral dress is like what my ten-year-old self being dressed by my mom for church wished one day I would be cool enough to wear. I don’t go to church now, but I still hope one day I will be cool enough to wear it

Cheryl’s sheaths: Cheryl’s art deco dress is really good too

Melody is in a GREAT ruffly red jumpsuit

Kevin in like, Don’t mind if I do!

Melody is like DON’T MIND IF I DO

Reggie and Josie are making out when they’re high, because they’re contractually obligated as the two most beautiful people in the room

Betty is miserable, like a teacher chaperoning a dance where the kids are allowed to grind

Cheryl’s hair: Cheryl whips her hair around like Beyoncé in the video for “Baby Boy” and I had to punch another window

it took me a second to remember that Betty had to alienate Veronica and that that was why she was suddenly talking to her like Drunk Alice and that it wasn’t just Pissed Betty

Betty’s read is pretty good! exactly what Veronica is afraid of: that she has been performing as a good girl this whole time. or that people only think she is performing it. “You’ll always be a bad person.” but Veronica is very measured for someone a little drunk and high! (are you “high” if you’re on jingle-jangle?) she calmly tells Betty to leave. BECAUSE SHE IS A GOOD PERSON

damn this episode is so low-lit. like, Hannibal dark. I can barely fucking see Jughead in this trailer. Toni is half-lit by the mysterious blue trailer park light and is beautiful, so we can see her laced-up jeans

Jughead doubts it: Jughead has a very Jugheadian response to the Gauntlet: “It’s whatever.”

Toni wants to be clear that if Jughead joins this gang, everyone else will abandon him. Jughead is like...This one time...I choose not to believe it...

Summer + Blair = Veronica: Veronica still thinks Betty is her best friend and that something weird just happened that she will investigate later. Veronica is so fucking LEVEL-HEADED

Veronica unfortunately has to engage in the dance of “Mmmm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression…” when Nick just like strokes her thigh, like she isn’t clearly happily with Archie or just a person who may not want a thigh-stroking right this minute

Nick calls Archie a “hayseed yokel”

good slap! GOOD SLAP, ZACH

Betty dragged herself out to this, the world’s most suspect bus stop, in a staging not even Alfred Hitchcock would have dared pitch to Grace Kelly

Lili Reinhart does something shockingly good every episode, but Betty’s breakdown, especially her shudder-shiver breath when her phone rings, is so far beyond what the CW deserves

when BH is like “JUGHEAD,” and Betty is like “[gasp] NO,” and I’m like “I’M OUT OF WINDOWS”

...you know what the greatest trope of all time is?

—no. the greatest trope of all time is Make Him Think You Don’t Love Him. solidly, confidently, signed, sealed, delivered, the greatest, most delicious, stupidly painful thing one character can do to another. it combines SO MUCH lurid goodness: two people who, apparently, shouldn’t be together; desperate heroic measures; lack of communication—for safety reasons!; selflessness; self-torture; “I DON’T UNDERSTAND”; BRUTAL WORDS; hitting him where you know it hurts; the heartbreaker is always a GREAT actor suddenly; turning the corner after going through with it and weeping abjectly; DANGER AVOIDED BUT SOMETHING EVEN WORSE HAPPENING!!! just like—just like in Moulin Rouge! like in Twilight for god’s sake! you loved that part!

I do like how BH has no particular objection to Jughead as his own person but rather just to his father and his circumstances. Jughead’s a good kid, says BH

Archie’s Captain America Henley is back and better than ever

who is Archie calling? endless possibilities, but I hope Veronica

Archie gets EVEN MORE little moments of greatness seeing Betty spiral (is she spiralling?) and being like, Betty, this is not sustainable: “How are you going to put yourself through that?” I know there are like 12 Archies on this show, but this is one of the sweet ones

I don’t even know if it’s totally clear that Betty is telling him to “break up” with Jughead inasmuch as just keep him away from her for a couple days or so. is it possible Betty just wants Archie to be like, “Something’s happening but we have it under control, so stop coming to Pop’s”? how much credit am I giving these two?

Archie > Dawson: Archie has never been wiser than with “You HOPE we can.” and the look he gives her? devastatingly fleeting sagacity. he knows Jughead is Soft Grudge Boy

Betty knows what she’s doing using a sports metaphor on Archie’s conscience

okay what the fuck does “SoDale” mean. South Riverdale?

Best costume bit: Hermione’s white cutout dress and top knot are Academy-worthy

Veronica’s “charm offensive”

OH YEAH, FRED’S STILL THERE

ooooh Hal certainly stepped up with Alice gone, did he not?

when Alice strides in in the Outfit, there are some prop-girls at the tent entrance in denim skirts and hard hats, like as pretend construction workers

Mädchen Amick, MÄDCHEN AMICK: Alice’s, I don’t know what to call it, flowy snakeskin cape-suit is either something she had stashed or something she bought on Amazon Prime that morning. is this what FP meant when he said she didn’t dress like the southside anymore? is this the other option, besides flannel? ...Toni? JUG?

the eyebrow? “Shove it, Hal”? Cheryl walks in too late, if you ask me

is Nick’s bowtie like .5% too big?

Veronica is in the midst of deciding whether or not to say “I DON’T GIVE A SHIT” when she sees her parents talking to Nick’s parents and feels the pull of her father telling her she was a real part of Lodge Industries now

poor fucking lonely Cheryl. Cheryl is ALONE. Cheryl looks good!

ARCHIE TAKES A TURN in this scene from the upcoming Hostel III: My Favorite Characters. was I ready for the greatest moment in the history of television Wednesday night? I was not. nothing else measures up: “The hardest thing to do in this world is to—” —who? “Cruciatus in crucem” what? who shot JR? I don’t even care. Jughead thought Archie was here to save him. don’t talk to me

The female gaze: Jughead’s tank top is back, because on top of everything else he should be physically vulnerable (direct quote from Sweet Pea)

I’m writing a scene where it’s gay.: Jughead SO GENTLY puts his hands on Archie’s shoulders to try and communicate by Morse code how urgently Archie needs to leave

Archie was going along with Betty’s instructions up until Sweet Pea & the Gang strolled up, and then it turned into him breaking up with Jughead for Betty and breaking up with Jughead for Archie, because Archie explodes when he’s angry and he just got like really angry

“thugs” is a terrible thing to say, when Archie obviously means “like-minded young men who want to protect their clan, as I do my own, like I did that one time”

the wrongness of calling Reggie and Dilton Jughead’s friends is blatant, but implying that Veronica got attacked is either Archie being a garbled storyteller or Archie rounding up to make Jughead’s crime, or whatever, even worse, as if Jughead is being a bad friend. Jughead is practically THE BEST FRIEND ON THIS SHOW

Jughead (I just took my glasses off, for a visual of the unplumbable depths of my emotion) asking Archie if Archie came to warn him that the Serpents are dangerous, because Archie loves him, is so motherfucking sad, it’s sadder than like, like anything else, it’s sadder than the end of Homeward Bound when you’re eight and you think Shadow fucking died in that trainyard (before he comes back; spoilers for Homeward Bound: the Incredible Journey)

Archie’s follow-up is that Betty doesn’t want to be with him anymore, and in fact hasn’t wanted to be with him for a while, which, on top of everything else!, is mortifying to a certain kind of person, that someone you enjoy being with has been rolling their eyes at you behind your back

Gay.: okay Sweet Pea looking back at Fangs, who’s like, Mhmmm, when Archie’s doing his thing, is really good

Sweet Pea is really good throughout! he’s standing there but he doesn’t step in, even at the “dark side” stuff. he’s kind of minding his own business!

Jughead is apparently so wretched about himself that the incongruity of this attack isn’t even a blip on his radar. he’s not like, Archie, respectfully, this is coming out of nowhere. Archie, what? What the hell? instead he’s like, The day has come

Archie’s pornographic cruelty here (which is precisely what Betty told him NOT TO DO) is to include the “agonizing over it” detail, which is a REALLY GOOD detail, and then his AMAZING bluff about “CALL HER.”

Jughead’s internal certainty about Betty’s unimpeachable conduct starts to crack

“She saw where you were headed. We all did.”: it’s not enough that Betty, the creature he loves most in all the world, thinks he’s trash and wants him gone, but it’s all of us, and Jughead buys it because he’s conditioned to expect that everyone will tolerate him up until the point they realize he’s trash and want him gone, as the Powers That Be, like he put it, keep telling him over and over and over (his mother, his father, Reggie, Sheriff Keller, Fred Andrews, the Rockland County school system, Alice, Sweet Pea, Toni, Archie)

Archie knows he might’ve put a toe over the line (obliterated it?) when Jughead looks like he’s about to cry, and Jughead tells him he got it and he just quietly says “Yeah,” and walks away, through the Serpents, who leave him alone

I honestly don’t know what Sweet Pea was about to say before Jughead cut him off! something bracing? he was definitely AT LEAST going to be neutral. there’s no “I told you so,” which is good otherwise Jughead might’ve Gauntleted himself. he changes the subject!

“I’m choosing to blame Betty’s Britney-esque meltdown.”

Cheryl isn’t fucking around with baby sips

GOD!!!!!!! I hope Lodge Industries razing the entire southside BRINGS BACK how it destroyed Jughead’s drive-in and FINALLY MAKES JUGHEAD AND VERONICA YELL AT EACH OTHER

The 2001 Josie and the Pussycats movie was a masterpiece: the Pussycats and Veronica looks incredible (the corset-like back of Veronica’s dress?) and perform the only song from Rent that I like!

Fwoopy hair is the best hair: VALERIE

Riverdale brings back one of their very good things: somebody cheerfully singing over top the visual of something horrible happening

Please protect Betty: Betty unrestrainedly sobbing in her windowsill while Jug cracks his neck (something he does now) in CrossFit mobility training for running the gauntlet is better than anything Alice predicted would happen when they started dating

Archie deserves to sit alone at Pop’s counter for a little while

Josie is so...fit. she’s tiny and she’s all muscle

okay LOVED Jughead’s smoky silhouette before he starts walking, loved

Cheryl’s sparkly boots???

Veronica and Josie take note of Nick leading Cheryl away IMMEDIATELY, because as you recall Veronica is a feminist superhero and senses when sketch is afoot

the gauntlet was good until it was GREAT. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT:

Sexy, aesthetic Southside: Sweet Pea probably breaks Jughead’s fucking cheekbone with that. Jughead doesn’t really have cheekbones, but he has cheek bones and it’s probably fucking broken, and it was, IT WAS EXACTLY the kind of sexy, bloody, homoerotic standoff I crave. that lighting? Sweet Pea’s FACE? Jughead standing there with his shoulders back, daring him to go harder? Jughead is not having a good time, but I’m having a great time. I fucking love the Serpents

the real gauntlet looks like it would be lying on the floor while Josie and the Pussycats kick the shit out of you

Sweet Pea and Toni and the Daddy are SO PROUD OF JUGHEAD!!! SO AM I!!!!!

it’s possible Betty seriously no longer cares if she lives or dies, is the only explanation for her going to an “abandoned house on the edge of Fox Forest” by her own damn self

I will say the wallpaper in this house is more or less the same as in Betty’s bedroom, and that is a very Betty mirror

Archie could literally kill someone tonight, so it’s probably for the best he didn’t make the leap the Nick went back to HIS HOTEL ROOM

Josie keeps slightly fixing the warm orange knit over Cheryl’s legs

“It’s not your fault, Veronica.”

Jughead got the tiniest little Serpent tattoo, because he is just a child

I LOVE Toni’s headband wrap

Every triangle has three corners, every triangle has three sides: is it kind of tacky for Toni to kiss him right now? yes. is it BAD? no. he’s developing another layer of trauma as we speak, but he’s single. somebody wants him!

OOOOOOOOHHHH BETTY!!!!!!!

NEXT WEEK: Cheryl in round sunglasses

#riverdale #commentary #tropes #i say