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neo-shitty · 3 years

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toffee!

ah yeah, i think quarentine has given people some opportunity to actually just sit with the person they are, rather than be rushing around for the person they want to become. its good you got smth good out of isolation! ah thats great! hope you had fun and ur partner in crime speeds back home so you can get out more hehe.

ah yeah ty, good suggestions.

hmm good point, i was sort of putting it separate to the whole not-sexualising thing, but yeah. mmm yeah i totally agree, some of the enhypen fics/imagines *shudder* and even reading innie stuff is just a bit *icky* cos everyone still thinks of him as our agi ppang. yeah def would be good but sadly this just seems to be the world we live in. :(

ah yes the holy masterlist (not sarc) i have actually read in the rain and gladius maximus before, but ill go look for in class! oooh thats good! character development lol. hmmmm yes champagne problems was the angst to end all angst, that shit hurt. it was actually one of the first of your fics i read and i recall almost crying over the whole thing, it was so heartbreaking, i can see how it almost made you want to drop angst. good that youve allowed yourself some lee-way tho :)

hehe thats so cool. okay here we go, ill try not to be mortally offended (/hj)

cheese - yes same, i liked it but that was all there was, it wasnt a super standout track. it was rlly underwhelming for me but some of the hook is super catchy so there is Redemption (tm) in store for cheese maybe

thunderous - mmm, yeah at first i totally agreed, i think they suffer from too much good music syndrome, that all their other tracks are such fucking bops its hard to stay at that level of perfection. the choreo was beautiful tho and tbh, the track has grown on me since ive been watching all the vids abt it. its my brothers favourite track

domino - YES GODAMMIT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE TITLE TRACK. the raps, the vocals, the vibes, the fucking domino sound in the back? i would have streamed that shit on repeat. but tbh, as good as it is, it doesnt have that sort of grandness/oomph that skz seems to like in their title tracks so i can see why they chose thunderous (tho domino would have been so good) *sigh*

ssick - yeah same, not my fave track by a long mile, the crowd cheering was a ?strange? choice and the chorus was a bit bare/empty, plus like i mentioned earlier, it was kinda funny to me for some reason but ill still play it if im playing thru the whole album

the view - ahh one of those not like other girls (/j) i honestly think its just a good party song, just a bop to play in the background when nobodys rlly paying much attention. its pretty generic pop music but catchy

sorry, i love you - hehe yeah i thought it was going to be sadder as well, but i rlly loved the fact that they all just got to sing, which almost never happens, i dont think ive heard felix sing for a long time, so i enjoyed it. wasnt rlly a standout track but i just casually like it. looking forward to the fic haha

silent cry - this song i swear, some bits are rlly good and then others are just? why?? it does sound like a dance song tho idk. definitely not one of my faves either

secret secret - YES its so good! its such a chill song and i love their vocals in it. the combination of lo-fi/fake strings backup stuff and their heavenly vocals just makes it *chefs kiss* im listening to it rn and just... its so beautiful. it gives me pumped up another day vibes ya know? like my pace is edgy get cool, this one is energetic another day i feel like. overall i love it

STAR LOST - ah thats so cool! i didnt know that! on first listen this song had a similar vibe to secret secret but then the beat came in and ahh its such a good song. i can totally imagine them putting this song to a concert footage vid, this song is so sweet.

red lights - LMAO YES ITS SO AWKWARD WHY DOES IT GO ON FOR SO LONG ah thats good! yeah good point, its quite intense hehe. but that is my fave trope and this is lowkey my favourite track on the album so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ just the combination of hyunjins and chans voices, the backing music, the lyrics ahh red lights my beloved

surfin’ - yes lmao its always a shock, i feel like they should have put gone away in between them, but its such a fun cute song, i cant get rlly mad. yeah, as an aussie i think im contractually obligated to like beaches lol. sand im not such a fan of, but my familys rlly into fishing and my brother loves bodyboarding so we stay at a beach house at least twice a year and we live like 5 mins from 3 different beaches (hehe all aussie cities are on the coast lol) so thats cool. do you like beaches?

gone away - ah gone away my beloved, i love this song sm, its just so pure and showcases their vocals and lyrics so well. yes the pitch change is very out of the blue, i feel liek they went directly from seungmins soft vocals to hans powerful ones which was an interesting choice, but hey, im not complaining

wolfgang - YES IKR ah im so happy he got to be included in that era and song. yeah its such a full on song i cant rlly listen to it if im in a quiet mood but its very motivating :)

hehe mood, i hope they do! ahhh no rest, but at least you wont have to pull a blink and wait a year for any word from the group lol. im not rlly into nct but im excited for them! ah hopefully youll be able to sneak some rest into that chaotic schedule, with enhypen (idk if u stan but yeah) squeezed into it haha

<3 w.a. 🐺

i wheezed at partner in crime, it reminded me of smth. i have a lee know fic in the drafts that i wrote 'in honor' of him (and his departure-ish). i'll tag you when i finish it, if you want. it's a rather hilarious one.

oh my god. based on my experience on the collabs i've joined before, writing explicit shit for '01 & '02 is not accepted (nct's maknaes) but with enha's hyung line '01 & '02 somehow it's okay? i do a double take every time i see fics like those i mean, technically, it's legal but still what the fuck. maybe it's just not for me at the moment. not at us venting our frustration about this. it's just something that's so accepted here that i am (in all honesty) slightly uncomfortable about. but oh well. that's kpop writerblr for you.

man i could've linked all the fics in the ask instead so you wouldn't have to go looking for them! i think i saw you like in class the other day (the fic i renamed into sharp-tongued, god it took me a while to remember the new title). describing champagne problems as an angst to end all angst is one way to put what i was feeling back in december. it just hurt to write and admit?? if that ever happened to me i would prolly cry :d

okay back to the album talk! i love how you answered with more thoughts. i love exchanges like these! i am a victim of the cheese hook and it's now one of my favorite tracks in the album. PLS, TOO MUCH GOOD MUSIC SYNDROME. that's on our self-producing kings 😌💅 also, your brother has taste! as i am typing this, domino's currently playing in my head and i realized that too, that it doesn't have that 'vibe' of a skz title track. honestly, this could be a title track of another group. ssick is starting to grown on me because i found the beats cool kdjsk not the not like other girls 😭 the view is the generic pop that i don't like but i get why a lot of people enjoy it. sorry i love you scratches a certain itch that i find myself singing the first few lines every time i remember it. i too would want to hear felix sing more!

> a mini junction on the album talk bc i got side tracked. on that topic, i want skz to switch positions at some point like i know those allrounders are capable of doing so. specifically, i want to hear seungmin rap!!!! (yk in the recent weekly idol he talked faster than changbin in a challenge and changbin is like the fastest rapper in kpop that's active atm if im not mistaken. my dandy boy has some potential and i want it UNLEASHED.)

back to album talk. silent cry is basically sad music to twerk to. secret secret is definitely one of my favorite tracks :( i loved how you compared the tracks HAJSAH i burst out laughing bc yk what, you're right! i want to make a star lost edit of skz but i simply do not have the time i want to cry. i love the song so much. ok, my dreaded track, red lights. idt i have played the track since we last talked. my friend sent me the lyrics tho and i'm itching to write a twisted au out of it. idk if you're comfortable with yandere but somewhere along those themes. the obsessive type of love that's sweet at first but turns rotten. IMAGINE IF THEY PUT GONE AWAY BETWEEN ASHJA it's like going from 50 shades to the notebook.

i was about to ask if you lived near the coast and you literally mentions it here god im so stupid. yes i LOOOOOOOOOVE beaches so much. living in an archipelago is fun :( i live in a part of the country that's more island than city so every time i want some vitamin sea it's accessible. i heard the waves in australia are great :( anYWHOOO gone away :(( every time it plays im compelled to skip it because it makes me sAD AND NOWADAYS I DONT HAVE THE TIME TO BE SAD. contrary to you, i dislike my quiet moods because i tend to overthink a lot.

i have this little analogy about how there are stays that enjoy songs the generic pop + mellow songs and then there are other stays that enjoy the noisy tracks. in my mind, it's like a perfect balance that makes me feel like all the tracks are loved in the end. just by different people.

PULL A BLINK. bro i fucking hate yg entertainment. they have the biggest kpop girl group LOCKED in their basement when they could be (and i mean this in the most business-like way not morally) milking money of the quad. they're yg's biggest hope at not being bankrupt atm so it's a damn fucking mystery to me as to how they aren't doing anything. (jk i just realized lisa solo album soon, but i still need a ot4 cb hELLO)

i stopped looking forward to the teasers. rest > kpop boys. i don't want to sound like a cult member but have you tried checking out nct? are they just not your thing? (i get it tho, that's one hard group to get into). and yes i do stan enhypen!

wow i love how long these asks are! they're like online penpals. but i also want to ask about you! how have you been lately? are you feeling okay both mentally and physically? how's the weather there? do you have anything that you want to talk about? maybe an interesting book you read? feel free to bring up anything you want to share! i'm getting conscious about talking about myself HAJHSJ

and yet another long answer B) i am sooo sorry T___T should these ask exchanges feel draining to you, feel free to stop sending them in AAAA

#toff.asks #wild anon 🐺

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w0rm-king · 4 years

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for the cat meme: literally every single one

Oh lord oh christ alrighty!

meow: who is your favorite artist at the moment?

oh I really like Betty Jiangs stuff and also clicckbaitcowboy and 13mo stuff is realy cool,,, I like a lot of artists tbh!

tabby: do you have any weird/hidden/obscure talents?

I can eat an inhuman amount of potstickers.

treats: favorite snack? favorite drink? favorite snack-drink combo?

I love matcha drinks so much! and i have so many snacks i like,,, like bread and synthetic crab meat.

siamese: any tattoos/piercings? (if so: which? if not: which would you get?)

I have pierced ears and 2 tattoos! A leetle dr zed on my ankle and a bee on the back of my neck :D

paw: what movie could you watch 1000 times and not get bored of?

Mayhaps Big Eden? It’s just,,, so good,,,

calico: what’s your favorite app on your phone?

I just redownloaded pocket camp the other day and have been having a lot of fun with that! Feel free to ask for my friend code add thingy

purr: what was your best halloween costume?

I was jeff the killer one year when i was in middle school and the slit mouth makeup I did for it was pretty cool, my friend at the time ripped it off for me at the end of the night

munchkin: top 10 songs rn!

no particular order but lately i’ve been listening to :

Wild Side-ALI

Kids-The Frights

We Will Commit Wolf Murder - of Montreal

Before I Forget - Slipknot

Best Clockmaker on Mars - Sturgill Simpson

Roses Are Falling - Orville Peck

Brutus - The Buttress

Rodeo - Lil Nas X

Sing Along - Sturgill Simpson

Buffalo Run - Orville Peck

whiskers: what is your current background/lockscreen?

Art of me and my bfs Starfinder characters he did!

tortoiseshell: if your house was on fire, what one object would you grab? (your pets and family are safe and chilling on the front lawn)

Probably my laptop lol all my art and game shits on it ;-;)

claws: what are your biggest pet peeves?

Loud noises esp when sudden make me see red, also when people casually use slurs and shit.

bobtail: what is the best fruit? what is the worst fruit?

Grapefruit and pomegranite god tier, bananas worst their texture is so bad to me (their flavor is good tho, i love a banana smoothie)

catnip: do you smoke, drink, or do drugs? (which drugs?)

Not really and i only drink occasionally with friends

scottish fold: favorite animal? (it’s a cat, right? right??)

I love cats yees,,,

collar: do you have a nickname? (what is it?) do you give other people nicknames? (what are they?)

Some of my friends call me Zeddy or Zedler instead of Zed :3c

I dont really give tons of nicknames, i call my bf jimmy or babe a lot tho

persian: do you play any instruments? (if so: which ones? if not: are there any you’d like to play?)

Nah I tried to play bass when i was younger but it didnt stick. Honestly idk if it counts but id love to make vocaloid music it seems so cool...

toy mouse: what are your hobbies? what do you do for fun?

I draw and play video games and also make games! (U should play them if you havent wink wink)

russian blue: what would you describe your aesthetic/style as?

Very specific shade of green only i truly see and bright wacky prints, also kitty paws.

tail: order these from best to worst: energy drinks, slushies, smoothies, juice, tea, milkshakes, hot cocoa, coffee, water, soda

water, tea, smoothie, juice, milkshake, slushie, hot cocoa, coffee, energy drink, soda

ragdoll: what’s something you wish you could like or get into, but you just can’t?

Podcasts, i just cant do audio stuff like that, it doesnt click with me which sucks cause i know theres a lot of really cool ones :(((

pounce: what is your weirdest fear?

if i do not cross my fingers and knock on wood often enough bad things will happen

maine coone: do you have any strange/odd/obscure interests? (what are they?)

i think so yes, i really love more obscure ps2 horror games,,, and obscure horror games in general tbh

kneading: what comforts you or calms you down?

laying my face on my cats soft fur, especially when he’s purring, its just so pleasant,,,

sphynx: if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

id have cat ears or be a werewolf!! or liek be 7 feet tall yes yes

hissing: give a controversial opinion!

I only follow normal people so idk what of my opinions are actually controversial to the general public but i did not like tales from the borderlands very much and am dissapointed that rhys bitch is in borderlands 3 and doctor zed isnt!!!

selkirk rex: what are 3 things you associate yourself with?

light green, kitty men, king crowns

grooming: what are your favorite blogs?

i love orvillepeckdaily,,,, also windup-estinien and all my friends blogs :3c

turkish van: granted three wishes by a cat. what do you wish for?

Endless money 4 me, give me cat ears, world peace

cat nap: choose between ________ and _________!

nyan applicable

ty for the ask!

#long post

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lokbobpop · 3 years

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Fault

late 13c., faute, "deficiency," from Old French faute, earlier falte, "opening, gap; failure, flaw, blemish; lack, deficiency" (12c.), from Vulgar Latin *fallita "a shortcoming, falling," from Latin falsus "deceptive, feigned, spurious," past participle of fallere "deceive, disappoint" (see fail (v.)).

Noun. fault, failing, frailty, foible, vice mean an imperfection or weakness of character. fault implies a failure, not necessarily culpable, to reach some standard of perfection in disposition, action, or habit. a writer of many virtues and few faults failing suggests a minor shortcoming in character

Fault fall t faul t foul t f adult

Writing fault

I never have wanted to own up to its was my own fault no its always been another fault because my fault would hurt me make me feel bad about me so i would fight to make it another’s fault id faith with chris and turn it round to his fault never me this was key i see to my survival this was key to feel hurt upset or anything that might bring me down blame yes blame i have lived in blame another and mastered it will I blame my girls or chris or anybody not to be me because if it’s me it hurt inside me felt this deep dark place comes up within ke and i didnt want to go there at all never it was liek the pit of hell so im not going there no way lol

Reading fault

Like when theres been a car crash and they work out who fault it was I’ve always feared this i see as when ive been in a crash a guy hit me he blamed me for not letting him know he was goin to hit me he was angry he never had to pay as my mum never contacted him which was strange i must say. But what came out of this id nobody will say it was them they even say when you have been in a crash dotn say ot was you dont say you were at fault i was hit again another time she said i was parked to close to her ca rucking crazy so yes no one will say its there fault so i have had fears of having crashes because they might say it was mine when it wasnt and i could fight it because i see my self as not capable to do so as i have seen myself as not smart enough.

When you buy something and its faulty yo feel pissed off

When something in the car id faulty and it’s going to cost you a fortune i feel pissed off for sure faulty cars i hate them we have to many right now.

A fault in clothing i buy many clothes that have faults in them they cant sell to the shops so they sell in taoboa and i pick the up cheap i have bought a how new wardrobe this was in the last 9 months or so.

When there is a fault in the earth with the tectonic plates are moving liek the andres fault in the states

Saying fault

Its not my fault i see myself saying it and i see my daughters saying it no one wants to take responsibility for anything and i will fight to sho with em how its there fault and now they have learned this technic they do it back to me twisting it back round in blame yep what you sow you reap lol.

Faulty electrics thsi seems the most common thing electrics always fail first they just go wrong all the time hey.

Does this definition support me no blame comes up i dont want it to be my fault so i will fight with you until you give up and then i can definitely make it your fault in my head fear of a car crash and they make it my fault comes up especially men they would twist it i feel.

Fault halt

Fault

Something with a flaw in it that creates a different outcome

I will us this word to see that the outcome is what it is the flaw within a fault was there fro me to see within me to open up all flaw within me to iron all things out to put things rigth within me.

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thinkingcloud · 3 years

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3/21/2021

I am rather surpised that this is my first post of 2021...perhaps i have slacked and forgotten to write things down. its harder to write things on pen in paper then it is to type. maybe its becauses its less permanent and I can analyze more of what is written.

there really isnt any erasers...in pen..which is why you sign things in pen and its called penmenship...

so as i reflect on today. I did not realize how much loss triggers my anxiety and depression. I m not really sure why it causes it but anytime there is a sense of loss..i have trouble coming to terms with it. Which may explain why i became such a pack rat. I cant seem to let things go because I do not know where they will end up. Perhaps its an empathy thing where i feel liek everything should or could have a place.

some people or able to creatively repurpose things because they see potential in everything. another mans trash is another mans treasure they say.

i think that the monstrosity of items that I have has caused a cluttering of the mind. when i lose things its because I didnt know where i lost them or how i lost them. I dont have any sense of what items I do have until I remember them.

I had this reflection over the weekend as I visited my bf's sister home. Here I was walking down the stairs...so used to being esorted down there to see the lastest projects of what her husband was working on. Never really understanding the interworkings of how he saw things but knowing that seeing it in its full form would be something I wouldve never thought of.

But something felt strange. the feeling of ""unfinished". which seemed to be the topic...unfinished projects, buisness, ideas.

That I think hit me the most is that unfinished things seem to bother me a bit. But then agian its funny because I seem to have a lot of unfinished projects.

But somehow...I understand this mindset. Trust me my bf is not the apple that falls far from the tree.. Im guessing he taught himself to be the opposite of his parents in that they were huge pack rats and he told himself that he couldn't stand more junk. If he didn't need it he was throwing it out. I wish i had that mindset to let go. Perhaps taht is what I seek most is peace of mind and organization.

The problem is if you cannot let go of things...how can you possible start to organize. easier said than done.

Back to that basement...so..after seeing the shear about of items scattered around and realizing we just walked into someones brain...without knowing it.

But it showed me...objects may hold only the value you see...I think it gave me more motivation to sort through things. Prehaps it is truly time to let go fo waht does not hold value. Recycle what must be recycled and repurposed. The longer I hold on to things that do not help me move forward the harder it is to move anywhere.

I figured this would help be myself reflection for today.

Perhaps i will continue writing later one...consistently. More thoughts tomorrow as this post is getting far too extended.

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fitfufme · 5 years

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got what i wanted

its like i wanted to be sad, i wanted to be so fucking sad about something and now i finally am. everything came down on me pretty hard. nothing in particular happened but life is just so boring. to begin with, after i fucked meikal, i fucked him again a few days later and we have barley talked since then. i think it is kinda weird because i thought we were “fuck buddies” and he would want to [do it again...guess not!!! i mean honestly i dont really care but i do wonder why he hasnt hit me up. i know i am confusing him by not hitting him up because i know he has never met a girl like me that really just doesnt care. the second time i went there it kinda went like the first time. but it wasnt like weirdish because one, we both knew whats up and two we didnt smoke. i got there and he tried to make small talk which i thought was so strange like why are you doing that when we both know you dont actually care. so we got to his room and i layed down and we just got right to it. i gave him the best head he has probably ever got in his life cause his dick was literally in the back of my throat. im not kidding. and then when he put it in he thrusted like twice and then nut. so yeah sooooo good for me LOL. he really is not that good at giving head but i know he thinks hes like a GOD. so sad. hes good at fingering me. his dick is kind of weird, it is actually on the smaller size. we fucked twice that day and he didnt nut the second time. and when he was done we were done and we went outside smoked a cigarette while waiting for kyle to get me. thats my least favorite part. waiting for her because it is so quiet and awkward and we dont say a word. i hate casual sex but i like having sex. like ava says in the crossfire series sex cant be transnational which is what it felt like. there is no emotional connection, no heat, no passion. it was just nothing. its liek i did it knowing it would make me upset in some weird way and it worked because now here i am feeling sad and empty. not saying i like him or some weird shit like that but idk i cant even explain it. another thing that kinda has been bothering me is the whole jordan thing. i know i said i think about him less and less but idk something just really bothers me. i was not good enough for him. i was in his life for a year and he just strung me along like i was nothing and now he has a fucking girlfriend. he told me he wanted something real with me but didnt wanna actually commit because was never home for work but this fucking girl lives in a whole other state and goes to school in chicago. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!! its so fucking dumb. that makes me feel like such shit because it really does prove i was just an easy fuck when we was home. i found a quote on tumblr and it says, “He didnt value me as a person. That’s why he hasn’t come back to me. That’s why he will never speak to me again. That’s why he doesn’t even want to know me again, even if it’s only as a friend. That’s what hurts the most.” i feel like thats the best way i can put it. he really didnt value me as a person, he didnt care about me, he didnt like me. he doesnt give a fuck about me, never has, never will. jasleen left on monday and life already sucks ass. i really need to get me license cause all i wanna do right now is get dumb high and go to bed. i am thinking about investing in a dab pen. i really want one. i would only have to buy the cartridges cause jasleen said i can have her old one. i just wanna be baked as a mother fucking baker. im just so fucking annoyed what the fuck motherfucker!!!!!!!!! im so mad this is my life. like so so so mad. i really just want to be baked baked and baked :p (September 18th, 2019 2:53pm)

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protect-klangst · 7 years

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Soooo basically this is my reaction voltron season 3 which I finished watching in the middle of the night honestly I was yelling most of the time you have no idea how excited I was the fuck but I got a tiny bit collected by the end of episode 2 so I started recording my reaction at the beginning of episode 3 aaand yeaahh

Episode 3

“KEITH WHAT THE FUCK" *laughing* "UHDHDHJS LOTOR AAAAAA” “bITCH LISTEN TO PIDGE” “OH SHIT THAT LAUGH” “BITCH SAME” “YES BLOW HIM UP LOTOR” shit i love her. “Keith. No.” “YES LANCE IS RIGHT YOU’RE RIGHT BABY” “keith.” “KEITH. HONEY. NO” “SHIT ALLURA NOOOOO SAVE HER” “LOTOR YOU ASS” “NOOO ALLURA BABY” FUCK ITS A KLANGST MOMENT THIS IS WHY MY USERNAME IS PROTECT KLANGST I WANT TO PROTECT KLANGST FUCKFUCKFUCKUFCU KLANGST “KEITH NOOOO” “LANCE NO DON’T SAY THAT" “but bitch u right” “AW HUNK” "YOU’RE DOING GREAT SWEETIES” “ALLura ohmygod I want to pROTECT HER” “OHMYGOD ALLURA THAT WAS SPOT ON” “Good god why does lotor’s face look hecka punchable” “THIS. BITCH.” “Yes ALLURA YOU’RE DOING GREAT SWEETIE” “YAAAAAAHS” “YEAAAH THINK LIKE LANCE” “Look I’m glad we’re all making fun of lance” GUYS NOOOO LEADER!KEITH I’ m weA K THEY FUCKING FORMED VOLTRON I’M GONNA KMS FUCK TWHATX THE FHDITSH HUNK IM A LEG OMFGSKDHS ALLURA IS SO PRECIOUS??? Guys. GUYS. IM WE AK YES KEITH. FINALLY. TEAM LEADER. TEAAAM LEADER. TEAM LEADER BITCH Episode 4 I LOVE THIS AGGRESSIVE FEMALE GALRA SHE IS SO RELATABLE LIKE EVERYTIME SHE TALKS I’M LIKE DUDE SAME Keith is sitting on shiro’s seat I am not okay this is not okay I’m not crying you’re crying keith yes <3 hunk same SHIT ITS THE FUCKING TRAILER I'MDHSKSH ITS THE WHOLE FUCKING VOLTRON BEING SUCKED INTO THE WORMHOLE FFS THE DAMN SKELETON THE FUCK I ACTUALLY YELLED WAIT IS THAT IS THAT SLAV WAIT IS THAT SHIRO “BITCH WHAT THE FUCK” “WHAT THE ATUAL FUCK” “BITCH WHAT” “WHAT” “WHAT THE” ITS FUCKIN SLAV BITCH WHAT IS GO IN G ON THATS NOT HIS FUCKIN VOICE IM “AHAHAHAHAHA ALTERNATE REALITY FUCKING HELL” SVEN. WHY. THE RAIN DEER. FROM FROZEN “The heck just happened” LMFAO SAME ALTEANS AAAAAHHHHHH HUNK SAME I LOVE THIS FEMALE GALRA THE FUCK I love Ezor ;-; “Bitch this is blowing my mind” “Allura you’re doing gr8 sweetie” I CANT TAKE SVEN SERIOUSLY I’M CHOKING THEIR DAMN ACCENTS GOSH I’M SO FUCKING CONFUSED BUT O KAAAY called it pftt these fake bitches “Keith. Yes.” “Allura. No.” “WAIT NO DON’T” Aw coran I’M ITS THE DAMN TRAILER AGAIN FUCKKKCJX KEITH’S VOICE WOOOOOO SLAV LMFAO “YES KEITH” “YES TEAM” “YES ALLURA” AAAAHHHHH LANCE WITH THE RED BAYARD I’M WEAK “SHIT NO SVEN” “SVEN NOOO WHAT” NOO ITS LIKE SEEING SHIRO DYING I’M NOT OKAY bless slav really. ffs let them rest. Episode 5 “SHIRO” “SHIRO SHIFOSGIRO ITS THE DAMN TRAILER” “AAAHHH WAIT WHAT THE FUCK HIS HAIR” ULAZ “NOOO PROTECT HIM” “WHAT THE FU K IS GOINGO N” I’VE SEEN THIS EVERYWHERE BUT WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GLIN GON “WHAT” “WHERE THE FUCK IS HE” WAS THAT NOT A FUCKING FLASHBACK WHAT wtf idk what’s going on and idk who this dude is bUT *SMASHES PROTECT BUTTON* Lmfao DIDNT SEE THAT COMING ITS THEM WHAT OH OHHHHHHHH THATS FUCKIN SHIRO WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HOW DID HE GROW THAT MUCH HAIR “wait what the fuck” “SHIRO AAAAAHHHHH” oh shit lotor’s hot ???? I AM SHOOK WOOOOO SHIRO YES YES SHIRO DAD This bitch was caught by a galra and escaped twice how is he still alive THE PERSON FROM THE TRAILER WAS SHIRO OOOOHHHH SHIRO YES WAIT NOOO HE WAS SO CLOSE NOO NOOOOO SHIRO OHMYGOD THAT WAS SO FUCKING CLOSE I’M SO MAD THAT WAS SO FRUSTRATING okieee lotor has daddy issues I SWEAR IF SHIRO DIES I WILL FUCKING DIE WITH HIM “BITCH” HIS FLASHBACKS I HAVE TEARS IN MY EYES THE FLASHBACKS SHIT IM SO FUCKING SAD OHMYGOD THE LION “AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH” “KEITH YES” “AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH” “WHAT THE FUCK” BITCH HIS SMILE HIS SMILE SOFT BABY KEITH SMILES I’M NOT OKAY I DID NOT EXPECT S3E5 TO TURN OUT LIEK THAT BUT FUCK THAT WAS REALLY SKETCHY THO WHAT

Episode 6 “YES LANCE” “YES BABY WOOO" AW OMG HEY KEITH I HAD THAT GUY I STILL CAN’T WITH LANCE + RED BAYARD AAAAAHHHHH “YES ALLURA YOU’RE DOING GR9 SWEETIE” “YES PIDGE” “ok buT WHERE IS SHIRO” “OH THERE YOU FUCKING ARE" where the fuck is their reunion scene the fuck “LANCE CONTROL YOUR GAY HUN” Hunk and Pidge’s friendship is SO UNDERRATED YOU GUYS I LOVE THEM “DID LANCE JUST ” HEY MAN PART TWO BITCH HEY MAN H E Y M A N THIS IS SO WEIRD TO WATCH ITS LIKE STRAIGHT OUT OF FANFICS I’M WDHAOSJS FUCK FUCKF UFKCU KFUCK UK “I mean you’re the leader now right?” FUCK i’VE SEEN THIS FANART SOMEWHERE IM DYIFNSSG it’s like ePISODE ONE ALL OVER AGAIN I DONT KNOW ANYMORE BONDING MOMENT FUCKING HELL THEY’RE SO SOFT I’M FUCKCJFUCKCUK BUT FUCK THIS SOME LANGST SHIT I CAN’T NO LANCE BABY I’M SO SAD LEAVE THE MATH TO PIDGE KEITH. WHY. KEITH. LANCE’S SMILE YO HSOSHSDK HUNK OFHSJDHSK OH MAN KEITH’S USED TO BEING A LEADER NOW I’M SO DONE I’M SO FUCKING DONE “alright what’s going on” same. EZOR AAAAHHHHH I LOVE LANCE X RED BAYARD KEITH X BLACK BAYARD I CANNOT COPE AUXIA OHMYLOORDDD SAME CORAN WHAT IS GOING ON “KEITH YES” “WAIT KEITH NO” “KEITH. NO. THE FUCK.” “Keith yes <3" He’s so soft WOOOO I’M GAY FOR Y'ALL FEMALE GALRAS “NO WTF” OHMYLORD THE FLASHBACK THE WEBLUM LADY OSHDKSHSKS IT’S CANON I GOTCHU BUDDY YES LANCE KLANCE HNNNGGGGHSH “PIDGE NOOOO” “HUNK NOOOOO” “SAVE THEM” “ALLURA NOOOOO” “LANCE YES YES BUDDY YOU’RE DOING GREAT SWEETIE” “nvm" oookie guess i’ll just die “NOOOOOO” “DON’T DIE THE FUCK” “WAIT WHAT” “OHMYGOD YES” something strange is going on here BITCH U RIGHT YOU’RE THE STRANGE ONE RN WYD keith :((((( Episode 7 “what the actual fuck” “WHAT” EXCUSE ME THE FORMER RED AND BLUE PALADINS WERE LIKE HECKA CLOSE I’M SORRY I HAVE TO MENTION THIS ALFOR WHYSJSGSJGSJ ZARKON YOU WERE A GREAT HERO WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS NOW I AM DISAPPOINTED UM THE FORMER BLUE PALADIN WAS SO GAY AAAAAHHHH HAPPY DAYS nope nvm ZaRKON IS SO SHOOK OHMYGOD ISNT THAT THE CAT WITH THE BLIND FEMALE GALRA ZARKON IS BEING ALL FLUSTERED THIS IS HILARIOUS ALFOR KNOWS LMFAO what is going oN V O L T R O N THAT BLUE PALADIN IS SO LANCE WHAT THE HELL this is so weird to watch tbh “what the hell even is that thing” C OUGH red and blueCO U G HH

I’M GETTING CHILLS ALL OVER WHAT IS THIS they boutta die ALFOR YES oh shit zARKON YOU ASS is … she… THE FUCKING WITCH SHIT SHIT SHIT FUCK “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK” I SWEAR BRUHHH YOU HAVE BEEN FOOLED “OHMYFUCK” OH M YDCYK OMDKLSBDKS I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS OH MY FYCK IN G I AM FUCKING SPEECHLESS

#WHY DID I EVEN DO THIS #voltron #vld season 3 #vld s3 #voltron season 3

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thebarbieblogzzz-blog · 4 years

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BBRT (Barbie’s Book Review Time) !!! #1

Enyd Blyton- The Famous Five : Five Go to Smuggler’s Top

Alright... so who havent heard of enyd blyton am i right? Her famous five book is very famous and been sold million copies. Shes definitely an author I’ve ever heard of, and a book I’ve once read- just one book I forgoteither it was The Kirrin Island / The Treasure Island series, I’ve read one. and thinking that I’d be forgetting her style of writing is, turned out i dont. İ still pretty much remember. Alright, so here it is. I mean, it’s a children’s book, when I was much younger than i was now, 21 , that book seems far far more interesting. Now, doesnt mean it doesnt interest me now, but its just far far less interesting. İt’s still a well- written book, readable, pretty worth your time if you want to spend time reading her books i mean its not bad, but, for adults, of course, i wouldnt really recommend it, cuz the stuff is basic as fuck but what can you expect? İt’s a children’s book, and even only by reading her book once, before i could only tell the pattern, the characterization might be strong, but , why is George, the look –like boy female character has to always too much stressing out about his dog? İ mean we get it, you love your dog, but doesnt it has to be in every series we’d be reminded of how much George so much loves he has (almost obsess, actually) with his dog, Tim? At first it was cute, and we can really tell the really sweet relationship between George and his dog, but like even reading it twice, its too much now. And its almost the same, becuz she’s naughty, she’ll be locked up in some place, and her motivation to leave will be because of tim, and while she gets out in the “hill, by the window, looking at the neighbor’s window” she’ll be somehow, hearing the culprit’s conversation, in which later is gonna be the mistery. And should we reminded everytime, that everyone thought George is a boy, everytime, as it was the biggest issue, thats happening to the world right now. İ dont know man. İ mean its an interesting story, for kids, maybe. And the characterization pretty iconic and strong. But like, i dont know if I will continue reading on this enyd blytons series, and i mean its a kids book what could you expect. And my favorite character there will be Julian, he kind of remind me of Fred. ( I have a crush on Fred when i was a kid btw) Ehe. its just something about a oldest, and the leading boy, who take care of anything, responsible and wise and manly.. huh... yeah , if i was gonna read enyd blyton again, itll be for the julian character hehe. But anyway, i remembered it used to be a quite enjoyful book when i was a kid, maybe not now. But i’ve finished the book in about 2 days and just keep reading it for i remember. İ mean, in conclusion, its a good children book, that would not be really enjoyful for an adult to read, but still its not gonna be a waste of time even tho youre end up reading it anyway cuz all in all its a well putten up book. And what i like? İ like the strong background, strong characters, and the simple but rich heritage of this book that it could turn into numbers and numbers of book series, so i like the simplicty and the simple but rich heritage of this book, and the consistency, somehow it has it perks. And i like this thing, im onto this thing, where a series of something is (like a book, or a movie) and be putten up as a book set or dvd) i just strangely have a (Whatdo youcallit?) “That” that makes me just.. i dont know i like it its what i meant. (omg, my vocabulary needs to be improved immidiately) okay, and What i dislike about this book also could be in the league of consistency, i just thought that somehow it will seems so much repetitive, the pattern could be predicted, the somehow not too broad perspective, and the easy to predict character, anyway i cant blame too much cuz its a a childrens book, but also what i like about this, this hasnt much anything dirty in there, not that ive read so far so thats good. Even tho the gender- confused george, is a... i dunno. Anyway the qualities, i think this is a book with qualities, for a simple , consistent, sure choose of sentences, and the rich background and strong character and iconic name for the book, for the story, and for the choice of characters is memorable, the story is pretty visual so definitely could be turned into movies or series. My feelings about em- yea- its an iconic children book- and it could be a pretty well tv or movie series- pretty visual, do i liek it? kinda yeah. What i like the most about this that it has many series, i always find it so cute for a serial thing like that, and the book is so small, i think what i like the most about it is the packaging, the many series of it and how small and cute illustrated the book is, and it has some illustration in there too (even tho its kind of old illustration) but like.. i think thats what i like the most about the book, but still its a quite well wrtitten book, oh what i forgot about it also, somehow its quite visual but somehow when julians escape or when theyre in action, the description were kinda blurry, it wasnt visual enough, and i just didnt get so much tension, but like its pretty misterious but like, i just didnt get as much tension but anyway yea, its stil worth it.

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astraltraveller · 6 years

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not an end to all the endings.

so i guess the last time i made a post about this, it was late aug ish. early sept maybe. i remember being crushed after. i remember feeling used because rarely does a guy want to have sex with me and not want to date or try someting. especially when the guy seems like a good guy. and i remember so fondly of the hope that surged the night of. when i got that apology msg and actually felt like maybe there was something there. my heart lept. it surged. it was a rushing and hopeful feeling, the feeling I had rarely exdperieneced from my history of being with someone who didn’t nkow hwo to appreciate me or apologize for their mistakes. itw as such a breath of fresh air and deep down inside i had a feeling that he was going to do a 180. i din’t think he would ask me out to date me, but i knew it would be at least asking for a second chance. and a second chance it was. i remember not expecting to go to a nice place at all. i remember walking agood 15 min to a nice, hipster, refreshing, new start place. I wanted to say that iwanted to go back ot that time but i dont know if i really do. I dont know if anything will change.i rmember tryign ot put off the conversation because i knew what was coming and my heart was saying this is it and my head was saying this is too good to be true. And i had just finished being hurt, i didn’t think there would be a second call. I just didn’t want to deal. When it finally poured out what was really up, intnerally i was jumping for joy because it was even better than waking up from a bad dream. It was as if you turned back time and could change it all. Coming out of a bad dream means just that. It doesnèt affect what actually hpapens. Fror me on that day, something actually changed. Iwas happy. I was grateful. I never felt that way before about a guy being so forward with an apology. it felt so nice. it felt so mature. for a while i believed this was something different. it was like a fresh start. I felt hopeful, I felt liked. I felt like someone made a mistake and was trying to get me back. it was like with soumil but … more raw. without such a big long mistake. it was a short pinch, an injection with an old school vaccine. rough and hard but it’s so fast it really barely has time to make a lasting impression. it doesn’t leave longing. it leaves soreness that feels good, that feels like life experience.it was thrilling. i remember it was suhc a heart to heart. i was quite happy in that moment ot hear, even indirectly, that this person had in fact not meant what they said, that they actually would consider dating me, and that they made a grievous mistake, grievous enough to backtrack and fix it right away. to swallow one’s pride.

I did find it strange shortly after that there was some distance. there was chatting, but i recall it as not quite on the same wavelength. they didn’t show up often. it wasn’t reliable. i would later find out that it was a tooth infection, being sick, and being busy.

bad liars always lie.

I believed him though. i believed it because those things happened. i lamented to amit about it. hwo annoyed i was. how at the coffee shop he had suggested going for lunches and then going to drinks. (never dinner, oddly). to which i always said yes. was always thrilled. was on the defense and never offered first because i had jsut been hurt and was cautious. even initiating of messages was liek that. i was playing this weird game wherei would avoid talking last because i noticed he would always type a message after. i woud also rarely initiate, a what’s up, etc. pictures became less frequent.

a side note. i will talk about this more later but i actually spent most of my train ride today pondering why things ahd changed. wondered if is houd say something. not sure waht to say, so i scrollled through all the messages from the beginning. realize that he talked on an almost daily basis. lots of talking points. long messages. lots of pictures. i don’t know where that went. if anything, wouldn’t your interest be piqued and you feel more comfortale sending them later? iremember when i went to visit mill in canaidan thanksgiving. i remember awaiting messages. i even played the mute game because i ddint want to know. evenutally i got a reply ot a picture i sent pretty promptly but i didnt ralize til a day later. i was internally a little devastated because i remember that during my interview trip, he had messaged a lot, not only to check in on how i was, but also to send pictures. liek the blender bottle. and stuff from the cottage. and i don’t know why i epxected that to happen again. but even by then things had changed. this was after the coffee. i was thinking to myself, what did i do wrong? where is this clarity? i knew deep down my gut instinct to message him and send one of the few tumblr drafts i had just didn’t come off right. it evolved from

I don’t want to be saying this because you don’t owe me an explanation, but I think it should be noted that the way you’ve been treating me has really been

I didn’t want to say this, but I think it needs to be said because it’s just straight up not respectful.

did i say something wrong? I feel you’ve been quite shunning lately and I’d appreciate if you were more straightforward. i feel really confuse and it’s making me a little uncomfortable

did I say something wrong? I feel shunned and it’s confusing

it doesn’t feel straightforward

did i say or do something wrong? based on how conversational you’ve been, I don’t think I need to tell you why I’m asking

did I say or do something wrong?

I was looking relaly intnetly at the messages to see when mine had been seen. i knew something was up when i looked and saw that he was active and just didn’t view it. and then he saw it, almost an hour later. and that was 10 min after i opened to check. my heart sank. i messed up didn’t I? I said that I do’nt like excuses. but it was prefaced by omething he brought up. and i didn’t talk about his exucses lately. but what i really wanted to say was, care to explain? the day after the hotel, you saw i sent snapchats but didn’t open them for hours. finally oepened it to send a message. nice, but short. a couple of smileys. i then sent a text reply. unread for 4 hours but was active on fb. then i sent a video which got seen quickly. then a reply iwthin 10 min. then i knew by then that the shunning was on so i decided not to engage fully. no smileys, short. no furahter conversation.

with each iteration, I projected less and less blame. partially becuase it sounded caustic. partially because i didn’t think itw asrigiht. mainly because he’s leaving to the new office probably by next week. did i want to leave my last imrpession, with no smeblance of possibly hanging out, as an awkward, hanging-in-the-air immaturity, act of pointing fingers, blamingand blaming, the same way as i had done shortly after the coffee confession (when I said i went too easy on him) and after I scalded him for being a flake? was that the impressi on ireally wanted to leave? any possibility of spending time would be nill. and we’d never see each other by necessity.

i didn’t want to take a shower and give it a thoguht. i wanted to press enter and be done with it. i wanted to tell myself that maybe he would message. maybe he would fall asleep arleady and he just wouldnt see it and id have to stare my message in the face knowing that i couldnt change it. becuase he wouldn’t reply ot it right away. iknow this from experience.

but i did. i took a shower and really thought about it. it became, very quickly, “did i say or do something wrong?” because this was short, curt, a genuine question, not salty, not inflammatory, and not incendiary. it was a genuine short question.he would either answer yes or no.

and then it hit me while i thought about it. do i need to send this message? what will i learn from this that i don’t already know? nothing. i already know everything i need to know. i was just trying not to face it. hojin told me. and it makes perfect sense. if you like a girl, you don’t play gamees like that. and you certainly don’t backtrack 100% and go from snapchatting how im doing and dinners and food and leading to naughtier talk and quick responses to how im feeling, to not sending a single picture except a certificate. to taking 8 hours to open a snap. to open. messages. that takes a special kind of potential to use. it’s the kind where all you just want is to get laid. to satsify the curiosity that i probably had sown by sending my vibes. and a freaking snap story wit hthe blue one. i’ll awlays wonder if that woudl have happened if i had just not sent those. would there still be more of that excitement, that ambiguity? did i give it away too early?

I really enjoyed the time in the hotel. i really enjoyed that night. i was really, much like myself when i had the coffee that time. i was so thrilled that he wanted to have dinner with me and offered the whole takeout thing. it was relaly sweet. he was kind. and oh was he horny. i mean we ate for an hour and talked and … and oddly enough, after the sex iteslf it was so… almost relationship like. it was strange. it was … intimate? i remember things that i won’t say in detail, but esentially the fingering at the movies, the asian pr0n, wanting to fuck me since we really started talking,the kissing at the end as if he couldn’t get enough. and me, in a daze… “see you on monday”.

what was i really thinking? i was giddy. i did notice as well, there was no messaging when he got home or i did. not even a simple one. to ask if i had gotten home safe would be silly, i didn’t leave. but was that not his role? wouldn’t it have been strange of me and extra clingy and oxytocin-highed to ask if he was home safe?

perhaps it would have been. and perhaps i should be glad i didn’t. i was surprsied to see that i didn’t get any messages from him after my lsat. he didn’t owe me any. but i just didn’t expect that. i thought, surely if he was so intent on having dinner, snapchatting so often, messaging, heavliy flirting.. saying that he should have kissed me the time penney gilbert came by… all the while (not drunk)... surely.. a message? a good luck? a “i hope it’s going well”. nothing relatoinship-y. i mean, clearly i didnt need to say that because i was writing a test taht started well early in the moring, which is why i was in the hotel in the first place. and i didn’t finish till 1. at which point i promptly snapped a picture. and i walked with baited breath and worked half-aware, waiting for that vibrate. waiting that maybe there would be some interest in me, in my work, in my day, in hearing from me. but there was none. not till much, much later taht day. so late in fact, that it was 11pm on saturday night and i was pissed enough t odecide not to open it and wait till morning. i was pretty devastated. had it all crumbled so fast? what did i last tell him before i left? “how is this different from last time?” “because if i didnt have to go, i would stay”. oh really? says who?

I was hurt, yea. I didn’t think that i fell off the radar of being important so quickly. it went from me being “slow” replying in 15min, to him taking 5-8 hours while during awake hours and being clearly active elsewhere.

I chalked it up to being busy. I didn’t want to be insecure. but there was something inside of me that was realizing i was being shunned. it hurt. it was so drastic it was so.. fast. it was so soon. it was so ruthless. it was so deliberate. it was so uncalculated. it was done so easily, like it was clearly his only choice. “why would i do anything else?” it’s like the coffee conversation never happened. it was like the no-words version of “what are we?” “i’m not ready to date”. i thought things were different. not that i expected to date, no that i expected any dramatic proposal… but .. never did i think i’d be shunned. it’s like i got whipped around really quickly and was scrambling for the first explanation.

but when you’re in defense and cautious, you don’t think of pragmatic solutions. you think of comfortable solutions. you think back to the first time we went out after i mentioned how this was a shitty situation. we went to duke’s refresher and bar and it was a good time. we talked about everything, but specifically about christmas market. it was really nice. i had a great time. that’s what makes all this so jarring. i know this is the case because i messaged him first for the snapchat on sat, the vid on sun. and then the facebook link about russia being outted from peyonghcnag on tue,then wendesday about meetings on wednesday. it’s clear. i think i was in denial. and it really didn’t truly hit me until about an hour ago. it was when i raelized, that usuually after good sex and a good connection, i like to replay the situation in my head. i only had one chance to do that while still giddy and no semblance of a change was present. and taht was the 4am morning i woke up on the morning of lsat. i couldn’t sleep after and i rmeember lying between those king bed sheets and thinking that i was so lucky and happy. on the bus ride home, i was tired. i was sad. i didn’t get any messages back. they weren’t even opened, which somehow hurt even more. i didn’t masturbate since that night. I just don’t feel it. it doesn’t make me horny. it makes me sad. it makes me horny only when i feel that the enjoyment is reciprocated, that we’re both equally giddy and excited about what went down. i couldn’t do it though. I haven’t been feeling it. because i know that something didn’t sit right. it didnt’ feel like last week, or any week before that. conversations were short, blunt, cut off by other people without returning, and nothing was initiated.

i think this is the beginning of the end.

it make me sad because we went on proper dates. we went to the christmas market, which was a great time. it’s a romantic, couply place. i like looking at it on instagram, other peple posting pictures fromit, becuase it’s so sweet. Ifeel like part of me won’t be able to handle christmas markets the same. it feels like a sham. i felt something, i felt wanted, enjoyed, shown around, in a pretty romantic, couply, festive, really one of a kind environment. ther’s really nothing like it. the crowds suck but i had lots of laughs , like when i took some poor pictures for some people in front of the christmas tree. like when there was a light tunnel with a heart at the end of it that we were awkwardly dodging. like when we had mulled wine, hot choclate, cider. like when we had a nice walk there and back. and while i write this i just cant help but think, did i do something wrong?

the dinner, c’est what. it was nice. good chats and it turned a turn as usual. blew off other skype calls for me. it was nice one on one time. time just flew by. i really liked it. we chatted about everything. like always. i like talking to him. i like his humor. he said he liked me, and he still does. and i gave him a second chance. and i gave in. and we did it. and this is what i get? i really don’t feel like i deserve this. but what can i say?i don’t have to ask what it means. i know what it means. it’s just that up to an hour ago, i didn’t really want to admit it.

coudl i ahve not been salty about excuses? maybe. but i didnt say that to him. it was pretty benign. maybe he just really didn’t have anything to say. i mean, when he mentoined the coffee thing, i already said that that was really nice of him and i appreciated it. but i think it was a nice way of me mentioning that i know what’s up. he wan’st oblivious. i also could have done a “oh no questions, it was easy :D” and asked what he was up to… but let’s be honest. what did i just go over? i’ve been shunned. was i gonna play dumb and act like none of that ever happened? it bothered me. ti’s been bothering me since i looked at my phone on saturday… and was genuinely surprised. taken aback. didn’t expect that in a milloin years. nothing. and nothing on monday.

sometimes i get twinges of , “ should i have said something?” but i realize the only thing I’d be showing is that I can be petty, that i complain. actions speak louder than words. there is no explanation that would do his choice of actions justice. it’s self-explanatory. it’s not an accident what he chose to do. its clear that i knew what was going on. i was not oblivious. “I don’t like excuses”. in fact, to drive that home, I made the right decision to not say a thing. because im not interested in hearing what excuse there may be. i also don’t really need an explanation for whether or not i said or did something wrong. what would it tell me? maybe it’d tell me if I actually did somthing wrong (and the shunning was really self-inflicted), or if not, it was a change of heart on his end. but me wanting to hear from him was less of trying to get an answer to my question, but rather to get a response. to let him know that i know what’s up. but it’s already evident. I said I don’t like excuses. and really my actions in the next while will say more than i think. I won’t be as smiley, I’ll be friendly but guarded. I get it. he’s just not that into me. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.

I’ve been counting in my head, the presence or absence of him, by the days of the week so carefully in the back of my head, every week. especially those since starting in september.

my days became marked by whether or not i saw him. what we talked about. did he come visit? did we chat? not even just if we flirted, but if he dropped by. for how long? were we alone?

i feel like i’m mourning. i’m mourning because there’s a beautiful office down the hall that’s almost done, that’s almost able to be moved into, december 12. that’s next week. he said another thing , that it’d be nice to come and visit. im scared. i’m scared that after that, there’s no reason to catch up, there’s no reason to chat, there’s no reason to check me out or pass by each other, or to get coffee… there’s no reason. different rooms with keys that don’t work. down the hall but yet barred apart. ther’es just no reason. talking ot him now is like pulling teeth. granted, him asking me to drinks and things was done over messaging, but we’re going to become those sort of people… that sort of friendship where you check in once every 2.5 months to ask how life is. and that makes me sad. because that can happen as soon as 5 days from now.

we talked about something on the 11th. his mom’s going to costa rica. that was the plan, to go to his place, to essentially have sex. you know, wiht privacy and stuff. but that requires an invitation. and i was trying to warm up to it by initiating messages. even though he’d try to chat in person… it would quicly become something else. something...clinical. something that woudl be interrupted. my excuse comment would ahve just been maybe, something he just didnt have a response to. wouldnt’ be the same time. but if the week goes as it already has been since last saturday, there will be no meetup next week. which is ok. i am not really sure i want to have sex. im not in the mood as of now. I’m really not dying to. what i want more than anything is a chance to talk without talking about the possibiility of a relatoinship, just to talk about what has been. he did say we could hang out before then, but that was, of course, while he was horny.

and thisis minor, but him playing dumb at me reutrningthings at eaton center was a little jarring. he’s not an idiot. he knows what i was returning. and he acted like he didn’t want to say a single thing about it. or bring it up. it’s like it’s being suppressed already. and i dont get it. you don’t have to love me. i don’t love you. but are you sure you’re not using me? this hurts.

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thisisjustacover · 7 years

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okay since i know i’m not going to be actually doing my work and kind of feeling anxious now because of all these feelings and emotions that i have to dump that i’ve been holding on to since like maybe the summer? lol so it’s goign to be a long fucking post and i hope no one reads it and if you do thanks for reading through all my bs that i’ve gone through

so this summer i got into a car accident like literally a week into my summer break on my way to work at school and tbh i wasn’t tired or anything but i guess i was just being a bit too careless maybe way too careless and too excited about the music that i was listening to that i got distracted and hit the car in front of me just as it was hitting traffic and it’s bullshit but life happens and that car hit the car in fron tof them and i was alone and thankfully no one was hurt or anything and at that time i made so many mistakes like literally the minute i hit the car basically i kept making mistakes well first of all i hit the car two cars in fact that was like a collision second i didn’t get their contact info like their phone number and shit so i had to wait until the police report came out which i didn’t call the police btw it was the car in the middle that did and then it cost me money to get the police report plus the transportation fee for lyft was not cheap and then never ever tell the other people your weakness in which they can take advantage of you and the communications between these three people were very very difficult it was so fucking stressful i remember every time my phone rang i just wanted to cry and i could listerally feel my body tense up just looking at my screen so afraid to open it but i can’t not open it because thats irresponsible of me anyway it was a big big big lesson i learned and something that i wish it was better managed but life happens and it’s not always going to be smooth-sailing and im just glad that i learned my lesson

im already getting tense again just writing about this x.x

i do have to say it definitely helped that i was able to distract myself with work at the optometry (shoutout to allison) for the hookup because it gave me the experience and i know now that i do not want to do optometry no longer which i’ve been thinking about since the previous summer and the lesson i learned from this is that never ever go into something without knowing what its going to be about what i mean by this is that never make a big decision until you hae some experience and know that you like or hate it or don’t like it

after working and saving money and spending money i made it to taiwan and literally within the first two weeks i already spent half of my money that i thought would less me for three months which it really should i actually have no freaking idea where all my money went and that’s on my part not keeping track of my money in the first place but then i was so 亂七八糟 when i arrived in taiwan and now that i know i’ve been keeping track of my expense and it literally does not make sense that all of the money i exchanged was gone within the first two weeks according to the expense that i keep track of now it’s been like three weeks and i havent even used up all of that money i lost in the first two weeks so i literally dont know what happened but it’s okay life goes on and now i know to always keep an eye and not be like so fucking careless

but let’s put in some good stuff i’ve bene listening to hyukoh and offonoff and i’ve been really loving that life if only i could see hyukoh live twice in los angeles and arcadia damnit im so fucking mad but it’s okay life goes on and i know i’ll have another chance to see them

and i’ve been watching hyori’s bed and breakfast and it’s been very therauptic to me and i aspire to have a life like her

currently listening to paul and it gives me soul

anyway before i restarted writing this whole thing i wrote about my feelings of being on study abroad and to be completely honest, i dont feel that im on study abroad like is that strange is that manatory to feel buecasuse everyone talked about how they’re on study abroad and feels like a new environment but like to me taiwan literally feels like another home that i haven’t been in a long time like is it because im asian and i was born in asia that i feel this way or am i just recognizing my feelings and emotions in the wrong way and when i see snaps of my other friends on study abroad esp the ones in europe im just like wow they’re on study abroad but i dont efeel like im on studsy abroad even though i really am and this computer is so fucking slow rign now it cant catch up to what im typing

i’ve talked to nick about this feeling before and it’s just really strange like is our feelings normal like i need validations that this is okay too because i didnt expect it to be like this

i really like my classmates and my class and my teacher i love all of them and we have a good vibe and get along really well and the classroom is set up int he way you know what’s coming so i like that structure and i love how we listen to music and get off topics sometimes it makes class really fun and the teacher tries to do it liek that too

as for the poeople in my program well i basically hang out around soka people like nick sumire and ryan almost all the time which is kind of good and kind of not good at the same time like i know i should be going out and seeing other poeple but at the same time i like being in the comfort of them and tbh if it wasn’t for them i really would have a breakdown and im really greatful that they’re here and nccu kind of feels like soka if i dont get out of the routine that im in and so i really need to make an effort to go out like i really felt that last week and i was like shit this is soka all over again like nccu is literally surrounded by nature like all the greens and it’s so nice i’ve been way too lin love with the color forest green and nature green so it’s nice

also if nick wasn’t here i dont think i’ll be doing crazy things like biking to fucking danshui at 1am in the morning and pulling an all nighter and shit or like pulling another allnighter that one tiem we went out to drink and ryan was so fucking drunk okay he wasnt drunk but he wasnt’ feeling well enough to go back to school so we fucking waited on the sidewalk for 4:30 until he felt better and i actually liek the dynamics of the four of us nick, sumire, ryan and me i think there’s a good balance and enough craziness and enough practicalness you couls prob tell whos the crazy one and who’s the practical one lol

and i’ve realized that i’ve been more carefree and give less shit and just been enjoying life to the fullest dont know if its because im in taiwan but if it is then i hope i can still be as joyful and as carefree back in america and just life life and whatever happens happens for a reason and don’t get too stuck on life liek that tattoo i got was tehe whole meaning of this hahahaha

and i miss all my friends and sometimes something always reminds me of them and it just makes me 想念他們 but it’s okay because i know i will see them so try not to think too hard about it bc taiwan wil be gone sooner than i think and i dont want to have regrets

and im in a really cute cafe with katie and winnie and i just snap-videoed my best friend bitch she should be asleep but she wasn’t but i’ll let her be bc it’s her last weekend before school starts for her and between today and yesterday i videoed friends like thuy, hung jet, dayoon, megan, and lucy and rachel and it makes me happy to see them living their lives

#katintaiwan

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