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#but the fact that its woven in with mental illness and so enmeshed with depression and anxiety has made it almost impossible for me
theodore-lasso
·
1 year
Text
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#the closest thing that seems to describe my relationship with dysphoria lately is chronic pain and i know its not 100%
#but theres not a single second of the day that it doesn't cause me mental/emotional distress or like it's VERY rare
#and i can almost feel it like a physical pain now
#it feels so dramatic but like it's fucking. life threatening.
#i run out of spoons so quickly
#and im struggling to see the difference between a physical condition getting worse and smth like dysphoria which
#when its bad or like even when its not that bad makes me want to kill myself
#ive been talking about it for 6 months now was an actual issue that desperately needs medical treatment
#but the fact that its woven in with mental illness and so enmeshed with depression and anxiety has made it almost impossible for me
#dysphoria has essentially blocked me from everything i love and all my coping mechanisms that i usually use for my mental health
#i cant spend time with ppl bc it makes me dysphoric i cant sing bc i can't listen to my voice i cant meet new ppl or do new things
#any energy i was spending on catching up with old friends or friends i only saw irregularly is fkn gone
#like its disappeared i can't fucking do it
#which of course isolates me and makes my mental health worse
#its just the compounding issues that make each other worse and the answer is to relieve my dysphoria
#and then i can slowly start to rebuild as a person
#but this whole fucking period has been so damaging to me
#to be out for years and suddenly be so mentally ill that your brain challenges things it knows are true and starts saying
#youre just a mentally ill woman every time you look in the mirror.
#like thats a fucking horror movie
#its isolation its doubting reality its exhaustion and normalised suicidality and kinda disordered eating and just. holding on
#like i cant build anything new in this state im just treading water
#idk i think i didnt realise what dysphoria was before. i think people downplay it to make trans people more palatable
#or you only see people talk about it post transition
#or you only hear ways to alleviate it
#you dont really hear all the ways you just have to live with it. and you do. voice dysphoria is my biggest issue for sure
#and i cannot get around it
#so ive stopped one of my number one hobbies and sources of joy - music and singing. which was a big way id get around anxiety
#because you have to breathe properly to sing
#im running outta tags i just didnt wanna put this in a post but. yeah listen its rough out here buddy lmfao and it has been for. a while
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