#dysphoria has essentially blocked me from everything i love and all my coping mechanisms that i usually use for my mental health

[theodore-lasso]

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#the closest thing that seems to describe my relationship with dysphoria lately is chronic pain and i know its not 100% #but theres not a single second of the day that it doesn't cause me mental/emotional distress or like it's VERY rare #and i can almost feel it like a physical pain now #it feels so dramatic but like it's fucking. life threatening. #i run out of spoons so quickly #and im struggling to see the difference between a physical condition getting worse and smth like dysphoria which #when its bad or like even when its not that bad makes me want to kill myself #ive been talking about it for 6 months now was an actual issue that desperately needs medical treatment #but the fact that its woven in with mental illness and so enmeshed with depression and anxiety has made it almost impossible for me #dysphoria has essentially blocked me from everything i love and all my coping mechanisms that i usually use for my mental health #i cant spend time with ppl bc it makes me dysphoric i cant sing bc i can't listen to my voice i cant meet new ppl or do new things #any energy i was spending on catching up with old friends or friends i only saw irregularly is fkn gone #like its disappeared i can't fucking do it #which of course isolates me and makes my mental health worse #its just the compounding issues that make each other worse and the answer is to relieve my dysphoria #and then i can slowly start to rebuild as a person #but this whole fucking period has been so damaging to me #to be out for years and suddenly be so mentally ill that your brain challenges things it knows are true and starts saying #youre just a mentally ill woman every time you look in the mirror. #like thats a fucking horror movie #its isolation its doubting reality its exhaustion and normalised suicidality and kinda disordered eating and just. holding on #like i cant build anything new in this state im just treading water #idk i think i didnt realise what dysphoria was before. i think people downplay it to make trans people more palatable #or you only see people talk about it post transition #or you only hear ways to alleviate it #you dont really hear all the ways you just have to live with it. and you do. voice dysphoria is my biggest issue for sure #and i cannot get around it #so ive stopped one of my number one hobbies and sources of joy - music and singing. which was a big way id get around anxiety #because you have to breathe properly to sing #im running outta tags i just didnt wanna put this in a post but. yeah listen its rough out here buddy lmfao and it has been for. a while