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thegc4life · 4 years

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Do you any other Hawks fic ideas you'd like to write? Or is Hawks-sensei all you've got on your mind right now?

Wyv. You know not what you ask. I have to put them in categories, Wyv. Categories.

Kid!Hawks:

-Kid!Hawks growing up with the LOV (both as a permanent thing and various ridiculous drabbles) This involves Unwilling Big Brother Shigaraki, scarily willing Big SisterToga who knows all the coolest knife tricks, Best Uncle Twice who sometimes on his real good days doubles as temporary Dad, the Dad who teaches you how to hot wire cars and laugh people’s money straight out of their wallets Compress, mother-henning can-not-leave-you-alone-for-one-god-damn-minute Spinner, True Mom Kurogiri, Big Sis Mag who seems to be the only actual one that realizes that children need to sleep at some point for the love of god, extremely confused but horrifically soft Dabi who may or may not eventually turn his whole life around because of this feathered idiot that needs someone to make sure he lives a happy life whether it be a permanent shrinking or not. Oh, and Machia. The best Mountain Monster Dog brother (?) a boy could ask for.

-Kid!Hawks with UA (staff edition) also both in temporary and permanent circumstances. Temporary is already in progress. Permanent? Oh boy, permanent world. They raise him within UA so as to keep him from the Commission. Hawks often sits in on their classes with coloring books, picture books, or just to sit there and watch them. He is very smart. He picks up on things, but mostly he just likes being around all the staff. He picks a new person to sleep with every week because some of them have really shitty sleep schedules and even as a kid he knows they would feel bad keeping him up, thus forcing them to go to bed through good-person guilt so he tragets the sleepiest looking people for the week (hint: Aizawa gets picked a lot, and even if he’s not sleep deprived Hawks would pick him because he adores his grumpy cat Dad). Thirteen does crafts with him all the time. She watches every kid show and gets really into it with him. Hawks and Mic make the meals and they sing the entire time. They sing together throughout the day. Hawks will chirp out a line of notes and out of nowhere Hizashi will burst in to sing the lyrics. Midnight reads him bedtime stories cause her voices are the best. She does his nails and lets him do hers. He practices on the UA students to surprise her with new designs (the students fall over their own feet to offer to be his test subject). Snipe does little challenges with him. Things that, while technically helping him get used to controlling his quirk, are more fun than anything else because Hawks enjoys using his feathers in games. Hawks dresses up like a cowboy for an entire month, quoting old western movies and driving everyone but a very proud Snipe up the wall. Hound Dog and Hawks go on walks together ALL THE TIME. They explore the woods around UA and Hound Dog tells Cementoss to change up the geography every once in a while so they have something new to explore. He teaches Hawks how to go camping and Hawks fricken adores him and is always on his shoulders just kicking his feet or napping in Hound Dogs hair. Ectoplasm is Hawks favorite person to play any kind of tag based game because the others are too easy to catch with his feathers. But with Ectoplasm and all his clones? hawks goes nuts. Ectoplasm cried once when Hawks asked Aizawa for peg legs for Halloween and when someone asks him if he wants to be a pirate he says no because he wants to be a super cool hero like Ecto for Halloween. No one will be as cool as him. Hawks fricken loves Vlad. Like, adores him. Whenever Vlad is in the room Hawks will just go hang off his shoulders, or tuck under his arms with a book to read, or just lean against him. He has a little stuffed bull dog that has Vlad’s exact resting bitch face and carries it with him every time he leaves the dorm because he feels safer with it. He goes to Vlad when he’s injured because Vlad just takes care of it, gives him a hug, and doesn’t tell him to be more careful. Just asks if Hawks learned something and moves on. Hawks and Nezu are penpals. They see eachother every single day, but they are penpals. Hawks grows up with the most beautiful calligraphy handwriting because he keeps trying to out-do Nezu’s. He absolutely tattles on every single teacher in these letters, giving Nezu years worth of blackmail. Hawks thinks Nezu is a stuffed animal until he is fourteen because Nezu never fesses up. He just thinks the staff is even cooler for letting a stuffed animal run the place. He only ever cries around Nezu.

-Kid!Hawks UA(Student edition): So many. There’s lines I’ve written where they’re still in school when Hawks is kidified. When they’re already pros. In Canon, in Hawks-sensei, I even a small blurb sentence of Deku running a preschool that Hawks gets put into in an AU with quirks still. I can’t even... there’s too many students, cause I’d do all 1-A and 1-B. My favorite one to randomly wake up in a panick and write about though is the one where it’s Hawks-sensei verse based and Kid!Hawks gets taken in by the Monoma family. Rui and Eiko are older and Monoma is a pro-hero by then. The pure amount of fluff, sass, and Hawks spoiling that will happen. Big Brother Rui and Bigger Sister Eiko. I think about this one a lot.

-I’m currently (slowly but progressing) writing a gift for @saltwater-sweets where Kid!Hawks is taken in by the Uraraka family. Like, he’s not even shrunk in this one. Uraraka’s newlywed parents were involved in the accident he first saved people in and they found him before the Commission. They realized his homelife situation and opened their home to him and now he is Uraraka’s big brother and that one line I threw out there? About him being a global superpower in household moving? Teaming up with Uraraka for that? Yeah.

-Kid!League of Villains and adult Hawks. Yeah, you heard me. They all get shrunk instead of him. And he can’t just... turn them in. They’re kids. They haven’t done any of the crimes their older counterparts have. And if it’s a permanent thing? They stay kids? Then he has a chance to really, truly save them. To give them the happy lives stolen from them. The Commission doesn’t like that. So Hawks takes them and runs. Dabi can be an adult too, I guess, if that’s the ship or something, but I just really wanna write Kid!LOV and Dad!Hawks.

-Kid!Aizawa. Dad!Hawks. Same concept. Beautiful dream. Need I say more.

-Kid!Hawks, Best Jeanist

-Kid!Hawks Gang Orca

-Kid!Hawks RUMI!!

Vigilante Hawks:

- Raven was born and I dived down that rabbit hole so fast I went back in time. Raven. But from a way earlier age. Those guys mugging Hawks when he was fifteen? The spark. Hawks stayed on the streets, he never went back, and he learned some things. He got some freedom, learned some shit, and realized that hero society was pretty fucked up. Shigaraki starts the LOV up and realizes there’s this whole underground community he was never aware of that Hawks has been building for years. It’s great.

-Hawks was never found by the Commission so he was never ‘Hawks’. His Dad raised him as a criminal but Hawks, with his little heart of gold, took every chance he could to make something good out of the bad deeds. Then he got old enough and he took full control. You ever seen the Levi OVA’s of Attack on Titan? Where he’s walking down the stairs and you realize every single person there is part of a huge ass gang of awesome with Levi at the head? That. THAT.

-Hawks loses his shit in Canon and goes completely AWOL. full Feral. He sees the problems, and he is prepared to do whatever it takes get rid of them. Whatever it takes.

AU Hawks

-Horribly injured, recently retired at the ripe old age of 23, and looking for something to save him from depression. Hawks meets Todoroki Fuyumi who gets him a job at her school. This one makes my brain happy.

-Takami Keigo and Todoroki Natsuo meet in college, graduate together, join the same hospital, and open one as partners as soon as they can. Ship or no ship, they go through their entire lives together. (I just... I really like the Todoroki sibs, okay?)

-Takami Keigo was born a lot earlier. So much, earlier, in fact that he is classmates with this overly optimistic ball of light named Yagi Toshinori and the grumpy ball of flame Todoroki Enji. Big Three anyone? Also, everyone needs a dumb smart birb to keep them sane. Hawks loves his friends, and he’ll kick anyone’s ass that tries to hurt them be it physically, mentally, or emotionally. Also, he meets Nana.

-I LOVE THE IMAGINARY KAMAKIRI FAMILY DYNAMIC OKAY?! literally anything with Hawks involved in their lives, okay?! I did not expect to spiral so hard when I made up Hideo and his relationship with Kamakiri but my god did I spiral! I just really love them!

-I’m a sucker for the classics. Tattoo/flower. Coffee shop. College. Roommates. Love.

- (she made me write this) a story surrounding the amazing love story of my sister and Iida Tenya with Aizawa crashes the wedding even though he was invited and Mirio is her maid of honor, with Eri as the ring bearer, and All Might is the flower girl. Twice is the officiator. Uraraka releases a flock of fake pigeons (not real ones cause they don’t deserve that). Oh, and everyone else is there too, I guess. Except for Mineta. Cause he’s in jail.

Right now, at this very moment, I can not for the life of me think of any others but I KNOW there’s at least seven more that I just can’t remember because my brain is work dead. Wyv. @wyvernspirit do you see what you’ve opened here? Close the box! Close it before it’s too late! There is always more! I am never without MORE ideas!

#adorable bean response #pandoras box #i only vaguely spell checked

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incorrecttowerofgodquotes · 4 years

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Bakugan Live Blog Experience Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

Episode 2

-So our tsundere girl gets jumped by a grown man in a mask and I think there’s a phone call I need to make

-Tag yourself. I’m Marty McFly’s reject clone

-Free my man Drago from his ball prison you cruel child. Release his shackles and let him consume the world

-So PedoMask stole Bluedere’s Cancer huh? I don’t think that was the only thing he stole

-PedoMask is the new number one instead of Sasuke. Not a big surprise considering he’s an adult and can just knock a child unconscious

-Are the going to use that fucking cowboy stand off music every time Sasuke appears on screen? I hate the taste but I yearn for a bottle of alcohol right now

-Our protagonists are slaveholders forcing the Bakugan to battle for their own amusement. I think PETA targeted the wrong company

-Is this fat kid gonna be in every episode just to get stomped by main boy? I half expect him to show up during the final clash between Drago and White Power Dragon for a d-d-d-d-d-duel

-Everytime a kid battles with these beasts, the completely mind control them and force them to fight. This is dark for a kids show

-PedoMask was sitting in the dark watching three little kids. I don’t think stealing everyone’s Bakugan is his only crime

-I just realized PedoMask has a duel disk. Guess Bakugan isn’t the only children’s game he’s interested in

-THIS MAN SENT THE BAKUGAN TO FUCKING HELL WHAT IS THIS

-Yes, him messing up your game is his worst crime. Not spying on little kids or sending creatures with cognitive thought to their death. It’s your game that matters the most. No wonder Sasuke doesn’t hang around this kid

-Drago is best waifu

Episode 3

-We start the episode off with PedoMask stalking a child and confronting them alone in the woods to give him power. Moushi moushi keisatsu desu ka?

-So our MC is training to defeat PedoMask. I think he’s better off getting self defense training and an alarm

-MC questions why Drago, a sentient being who’s dimension is at war, is angry yes trapped inside a ball. Also he continues to refer to this as a game even though BAKUGANS ARE DYING

-My waifu Drago’s world is being destroyed while he’s powerless to do anything and I’m supposed to care about the MC. Nah, let me see World War B

-If the MC doesn’t get his fingerless gloves off my waifu Drago, I’m gonna go to jail for child murder

-The fat kid appeared again for fucks sake.

-Bluedere’s talking Bakugan has too deep a voice. It makes me feel things I shouldn’t be feeling during a children’s anime

-These two kids are fighting on a bridge clearly made for car. Like, they’re not even doing it on the pedestrian/bicycle area which is clearly shown. They’re just talking and fighting on the road.

-PedoMask’s apprentice also has a duel disk. I’m guessing that’s part of the dress code for his club

-Apprentice-kun has a fucking Gundam mech. I’m rooting for him

-THIS KID HAS ANOTHER MECH. FUCK YEAH!!!

-Apprentice-kun killed not only two more of MC’s Bakugan’s, but also sacrificed his own. This is a kids show right?

-Our MC is a psychopath. This...this kid just brushed off his own Bakugan’s deaths while putting down Drago for feeling anything for losing his kind. I feel genuine anger right now.

-Luckily best girl Drago saw through Apprentice-kun’s plan and negated the ability. This is why he’s my waifu

-BEST WAIFU DRAGO SPITTING FACTS

-I’ve become a dragon fucker. Catch me posted outside the Cave of Flames with a bottle of lube in hand

-I want to throw MC off the bridge. This man has the FUCKIN AUDACITY to claim that he’s the one being hurt right now cause Drago never really trusted him. Fuck that. Drago watched four of his comrades sent to hell where they’ll never return from and he has the gall to act like he’s the victim.

-Bakugan Battle Brawlers more like Bakugan I’m About to Brawl With a Kid

-HE YEETED DRAGO INTO THE OCEAN WTF

I’ve never felt more anger for a child character in my life. I hope he gets sent to the Doom Dimension

#bakugan #bakugan liveblog #aka bakugan is making me want to commit child murder

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the-desolated-quill · 5 years

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‘But They’re Covered In Nipples’: The Story Of Destroy All Humans - Quill’s Scribbles

Another E3 has come and gone. There was some good announcements. Square Enix unveiled their Avengers game, Keanu Reeves came on stage to give us the release date of Cyberpunk 2077, Ubisoft are making another Watch Dogs set in London, and... um... what else happened?

Oh yeah!

DESTROY ALL HUMANS IS BACK!!!!!!

Yes, the cult classic Destroy All Humans is returning next year, developed by THQ Nordic and Black Forest Games. This was quite possibly the nicest surprise I’ve ever had. When the teaser trailer came up on my YouTube recommendations, I practically screamed the house down. It’s a level of excitement I felt when 20th Century Fox announced they were finally making a Deadpool movie.

Yeah. That excited.

Destroy All Humans was my favourite video game series growing up. I played the first two games non-stop on my PS2 and I even bought a Nintendo Wii and PS3 just so I could play Big Willy Unleashed and Path Of The Furon (yeah, we’ll get to them). Unfortunately, while the series was reasonably successful, it never quite broke through into the mainstream, and it ended up having a very short lifespan, making it one of the most underrated franchises of all time.

So, to mark the return of Crypto and Pox, I thought I’d take a retrospective look at the series as a whole. Analysing each game in the franchise and talking about what made them so good, whilst also looking at how it faded into obscurity and how THQ Nordic and Black Forest Games can hopefully avoid this fate with their remake.

Radioactive, Exploding, Zombie Cows

The first Destroy All Humans was developed by THQ and Pandemic Studios (the latter probably most famous for making the original Star Wars Battlefront games. You know? The good ones that weren’t overloaded with loot boxes and microtransactions) and was released in 2005 on the PS2 and Xbox. You play as a Furon warrior called Cryptosporidium 137, or Crypto for short, who is tasked with harvesting the brains of humans in order to extract pure Furon DNA from them. His leader Orthopox 13, or Pox, explains that the Furons are at risk of cloning themselves into extinction as they are unable to reproduce naturally due to a lack of genitalia and the DNA in their cloning banks are starting to degrade. Fortunately the Furons visited prehistoric Earth on their way back from destroying the Martians and took the opportunity to ‘let off some steam’ with the natives. As a result, humans possess a strand of Furon DNA that can hopefully restore the Furons’ reproductive organs. Unfortunately a secret government organisation called Majestic (a sort of cross between Project Blue Book and the Men in Black) have caught wind of the Furon invasion due to Crypto 136 crash landing in Roswell 10 years earlier. So Crypto 137 will have to be extra cautious in his quest to take over Earth.

The game was released four years after Grand Theft Auto III, which had completely revolutionised gaming with its open world sandbox. As a result, other companies were attempting their own open worlds and putting their own spin on them. While Destroy All Humans didn’t quite have the same scale as GTA, it made up for it with quality over quantity. The game offered six small open world areas for players to have fun in and its central premise was utterly captivating. After countless games where you had to fight alien invaders, Destroy All Humans allowed you to play as the alien invader.

Pandemic Studios completely embraced the alien invasion premise, giving the player a vast number of weapons and abilities to wreak havoc on planet Earth. You had access to weapons like the Zap O Matic, Disintegrator Ray and Anal Probe (no, really, there’s actually a gun called the Anal Probe and it’s as funny as it sounds) as well as mental abilities such as Psychokinesis, Hypnotism and the Cortex Scan, which allowed you to read the thoughts of humans and was also used to help maintain your Holoblob disguise in stealth missions. And if that isn’t cool enough, you also get your own flying saucer, which you can use to destroy buildings and landmarks. The game gave you a lot of freedom, essentially dropping you in a small destructible playground and telling you to go and enjoy yourself.

But the thing I loved most about the first game was the writing. The plot itself is actually pretty good with plenty of twists and turns as the military and Majestic become more and more desperate to stop you. And the humour, my God the humour! Honestly Destroy All Humans remains to this day one of the funniest games I’ve ever played. It’s use of satirical humour and 50s pop culture references never failed to make me chuckle. There was one moment that I’ll always remember where I scanned the mind of a police officer and it revealed that he was thinking about forming the Village People. If only he could find a cowboy, an Indian and a construction worker.

The game’s main source of comedy mostly came from poking fun at the culture and attitudes of the time period. 1950s America was of course gripped by ‘the Red Scare,’ which the game mocks frequently as we see Majestic and the US government try desperately to cover up alien activity by blaming the death and destruction on communists, to the point where it just gets more and more absurd. At the end of each mission, a newspaper headline is shown, often blaming recent events on freak weather or communist propaganda. Yes, that should explain perfectly why people’s heads are exploding and why the cows are glowing green. It’s all perfectly normal. No aliens here. What’s that? A little green man in a flying saucer is blowing up ice cream trucks? Damn you commies!

The game also pokes fun at 50s sci-fi B movies, often parodying and lampshading the tropes and gimmicks one would expect in a low budget sci-fi flick. For example, the game ends with you fighting a giant robot that houses the President’s brain. It’s fully aware of how ridiculous and stupid it all is and clearly revels in it. Killer robots, mind control, radioactive animals, mad scientists and secret government conspiracies galore. Destroy All Humans is very much a love letter to cheesy sci-fi.

But by far the biggest draw was the main characters. Crypto and Pox. They’re both such funny, wonderfully realised and likeable characters. Pox is voiced by Richard Steven Horvitz, who you may remember from Invader Zim, and he gives the character a maniacal glee. I honestly could listen to his rants all day. He’s the quintessential evil genius. Crypto meanwhile is voiced by J. Grant Albrecht, who gives the character a Jack Nicholson-esque voice. Unlike Pox, Crypto is crass, crude and craves destruction, which often puts him at odds with Pox, who favours more subtle styles of invasion such as mind control. The two characters often bicker and squabble, which never fails to be entertaining, and yet there is an underlying respect and fondness for each other that helps ground the relationship. It’s the perfect double act.

Destroy All Humans was a good game, but does it still hold up? Well there are a few issues. Controls can be a bit clunky at times and missions can often get repetitive. Destroy x number of farmers. Collect x amount of DNA. That kind of thing. Also, annoyingly, there’s no checkpoints, which means if you die or fail the mission, you’re automatically sent back to the Furon Mothership and you have to start the mission all over again. But the writing, humour and entertainment value more than make up for it.

Hot Monkey Love

While the first game wasn’t what you’d call a hit, it was successful enough for THQ to commission a sequel. Destroy All Humans 2 was released in 2006 on PS2 and Xbox, just one year after the first game, and this time Crypto was going international.

Set in the 1960s, ten years after the events of the first game, the KGB in Russia learn about the Furon’s takeover of America and plan a counterattack. They nuke the Furon Mothership, killing Pox, and try to assassinate Crypto 138, who is posing as the President of the United States. The assassination fails and Pox’s mind is able to survive in hologram form. The two then embark on a global adventure, seeking revenge against the KGB and uncovering a massive conspiracy that puts the entire Furon invasion at risk.

Destroy All Humans 2 is an ambitious sequel that increases its scope from the first game. No longer confined to America, we see Crypto terrorise San Francisco, London, Tokyo, Russia and even the Moon. Our arsenal of weapons are also expanded. The original weapons from the first game return as well as some all new ones such as the Disclocator, which fires a purple disc at a human or vehicle and sends them flying around the map, the Burrow Beast, which summons a Tremors-esque space worm to cause carnage, and Meteor Strike, which I think speaks for itself. We also get a few new mental abilities such as Transmogrify, which allows you to turn objects into ammo, and Free Love, which causes everyone in the general vicinity to start dancing, allowing you to make a quick getaway while they’re distracted. The saucer too has some extra features, including a cloaking device and the ability to drain vehicles of health using your Abducto Beam.

This sequel pretty much takes everything that worked from the first game whilst tweaking the things that didn’t. The GTA style Alert system got a complete overhaul. If you want to raise or lower the Alert level, all you have to do is bodysnatch a cop or a soldier and make a call using a police box (you can also make prank calls from them, which is good for a giggle). Holoblobbing has been replaced with Bodysnatching, which works so much better and it does away with the annoying Concentration meter, so you can PK cars and humans to your heart’s content. There’s also a lot more stuff to do now. There are numerous collectables such as Alien Artefacts, which unlocks the Burrow Beast weapon, and FuroTech Cells, which are your main currency that can be used to upgrade your health and weapons. Missions have greater variety than in the first game. There’s a lot more side missions, including Odd Jobs and my personal favourites the Cult of Arkvoodle missions, where Crypto brainwashes humans to worship the Furon God Arkvoodle of the Sacred Crotch.

As you can tell, the humour is still just as wacky and ridiculous as ever. Destroy All Humans 2 lampoons and ridicules the 60s mercilessly, taking aim at the Cold War and the hippie counterculture movement. It also pokes fun at 60s sci-fi films, spy films and Japanese movies like Godzilla. In fact there’s a boss fight that involves you fighting a Godzilla-esque monster and it’s honestly the best boss fight in the series. It regains health by destroying buildings, so you have to destroy them first before you can kill the monster. It’s a great premise.

Story-wise, Destroy All Humans 2 is a worthy successor, raising the stakes and expanding the lore. We’re introduced to the Blisk, the Martians that were presumed extinct by the Furons millions of years ago. It’s a brilliant conflict and ostensibly allows the developers to make commentaries on America and Russia at the time using the Furons and the Blisk respectively as stand-ins. Crypto and Pox are well written, funny and likeable as ever and we’re also introduced to an assortment of new characters, including the Russian spy Natalya and MI6 agent Ponsomby (voiced by none other than Anthony Head from Buffy). The game is engaging and rewarding, but it crucially never takes itself too seriously. For example there’s one instance in Tokyo where Crypto learns about the battle between the White and Black Ninjas and he guesses that the conflict started because of the cliche student betraying his master type origin, but it turns out that both groups of ninjas were originally Grey, but then they ran out of grey fabric and disagreed over which colour they should be instead. There’s so many great comedic moments like that and they pretty much hit bullseyes every time.

That being said, there was one aspect of the game I didn’t like and that was the crude sex jokes. Crypto 138 is the first clone to have pure Furon DNA, which means he now has genitalia. As a result, this new incarnation of Crypto is far more randy than 137 was in the first game. This mostly takes the form of Crypto constantly trying to hit on Natalya, despite her showing no sexual interest, which I personally found pretty gross. Worse still, the game ends with Crypto cloning Natalya and ‘making a few adjustments’ so she will consent to have sex with him. The word ‘creepy’ doesn’t begin to cover how I felt about this. If THQ Nordic and Black Forest Games ever decide to remake the second game, I really hope they consider rethinking that ending because... Jesus!

On the whole, Destroy All Humans 2 was a brilliant sequel. It was also sadly the last Destroy All Humans game to be developed by Pandemic Studios before they were bought by EA and eventually shut down in 2009. Unfortunately this would have a severe impact on the future of the series going forward.

Limp Willy

The next game in the series was a spinoff for the Nintendo Wii, released in early 2008 and developed by Locomotive Games. A PS2 version was also planned, but was scrapped due to budget cuts (remember this. It’ll become relevant later).

Destroy All Humans: Big Willy Unleashed was... underwhelming, to say the least. Set in the 1970s, six years after the second game, Crypto and Pox have opened a fast food restaurant called Big Willy as a way of disposing of the corpses left behind during Crypto’s missions. However a rival fast food chain, run by Colonel Kluckin’, is stealing their business and socialite Patty Wurst is threatening to expose Big Willy (smirk). So it’s up to Crypto to protect Pox’s Big Willy (haha) and maintain their cover on Earth.

Now you’re probably thinking this sounds quite tame compared to the previous two games, and yeah, it is. But it’s a spinoff, so I can understand to a certain extent. However there are a few narrative discrepancies. The big one being Crypto has retired from being the President. No explanation given as to why and we have no idea what Crypto is doing instead. When we first see him, he’s watching TV. He doesn’t even know Big Willy exists until Pox brings it up. So what’s going on exactly? Are they still trying to invade Earth or have they gone native? Also, compared to the grand conspiracy stories of the previous games, Crypto protecting a fast food restaurant sounds a little beneath him.

Gameplay is virtually unchanged from the previous game. There’s some new guns such as Ball Lightning and the Zombie Gun, but nothing special. The biggest addition is Big Willy, the restaurant mascot that’s actually a Furon battle mech in disguise. It’s... fine. Not that much different from the Saucer really. We also get some new locations. Harbor City, Fairfield in Kentucky, Fantasy Atoll (a weak parody of Fantasy Island) and Vietmahl (a painfully obvious homage to Vietnam). None of these locations are particularly interesting however. There’s also a multiplayer mode, which... exists.

Honestly the game as a whole is just lacklustre. The story just isn’t as good as the first two games and the humour doesn’t have the same wit or intelligence. Most of the comedy surrounds the fact that Pox has called his restaurant Big Willy and isn’t entirely aware of the double entendre, which admittedly is funny for the first few missions, but by the time you’ve finished Harbor City and move on to Fairfield, the joke gets old real fast. There’s less of an effort to actually satirise the culture or films of the time, instead merely making 70s pop culture references without ever actually doing anything with it. It’s like the Family Guy school of comedy. Take Fantasy Atoll for instance. A pisstake of Fantasy Island, but instead of Mr. Roarke and Tatoo, we get Mr. Pork and Ratpoo. That’s the level of humour we’re talking about here.

What’s worse is that J. Grant Albrecht and Richard Steven Horwitz don’t return as Crypto and Pox. Sean Donnellan and Darryl Kurylo voice the characters instead and it’s just not the same. It doesn’t feel like Crypto and Pox. So from the very first cutscene, we’re already off on the wrong foot.

And then there’s a bunch of other stuff that I find really questionable. The most obvious being the revelation that Colonel Kluckin’ makes his chicken wings from the corpses of the Vietmahl (Vietnam) war, which just seems in very bad taste to me. If there is a satirical point being made here, I can’t find it for the life of me. There’s also some side missions where Crypto finds out that he and Natalya have a son, which goes absolutely nowhere and doesn’t feel like something that should be in a Destroy All Humans game.

Overall, Big Willy Unleashed was a massive dud meant to tide us over until Destroy All Humans 3 came out later in the year. Honestly the one aspect of it I thought had potential was the side missions involving Crypto and Pox being assessed by a Furon Efficiency Expert called Toxoplasma Gondii. Considering what happened in the second game, including the destruction of the Furon Mothership, the return of the Blisk and the Furon operation on Earth being jeoprodised, this could have been a great premise for a sequel.

Instead what we got was...

Disco Inferno

Oh boy. Where do I begin?

Path Of The Furon was developed by THQ and Sandblast Games and released in December 2008 on the Xbox 360 in North America. The PS3 version was cancelled because Sandblast (and Locomotive Games) was closed down before development was finished due to THQ’s financial problems at the time. However the PS3 version was released in Europe and Australia, so either THQ got another studio to complete it or, more likely, they just released it in a broken, buggy state.

Fans really didn’t like this game, myself included, but before we go tearing it a new one, lets look at the few positives the game has. First off, J. Grant Albrecht and Richard Steven Horwitz return to voice Crypto and Pox, which is great. As a result, the original chemistry is back and they help salvage the game when the writing fails to deliver. There are a few cool new weapons, like the Black Hole Gun and the Venus Human Trap, which creates a giant man eating plant. The Saucer’s weapons have been tweaked, so now they affect the environment as well as destroy buildings. So if you fire your Death Ray at the ground, for example, you can create scorch marks. PK now has its own dedicated button, which means you can pick up and throw objects whilst using your guns simultaneously. There’s also the titular ‘Path Of Enlightenment,’ which upgrades your mental abilities significantly as well as allowing you to freeze time.

That’s the good stuff. The bad stuff is... pretty much everything else.

The humour is, again, quite poor. Rather than satirising 70s culture, the game continues to make references to 70s films like The Godfather and Star Wars, but not actually doing anything with them. Just making the reference. The writing as a whole is quite substandard as the plot pretty much recycles the plots of Destroy All Humans 2 and Big Willy Unleashed, except instead of the Big Willy restaurant, it’s the Space Dust casino and instead of the Blisk, it’s Nexosporidium warriors, who are basically Furon cyborgs. Things do threaten to get a bit interesting when Crypto and Pox discover someone has been manufacturing synthetic Furon DNA, but nothing ever really comes of it. Instead the game focuses mainly on the Master.

Ah yes. The Master.

In an attempt to recapture the magic of the second game, Path Of The Furon tries to spoof kung-fu movies just like how DAH 2 spoofed spy films. Unfortunately this leads us to a slew of unfunny gags, cultural appropriation and some of the worst racial stereotyping I think I’ve ever seen. The Master is a Furon who crashed on Earth a hundred years ago and embroiled himself in Eastern culture, enhancing his PK abilities. This is what he looks like:

YYYYeah.

Oh and if that’s not awkward enough, he also speaks in an over the top ‘ah so’ accent. It’s incredibly cringeworthy and made me want to crawl out of my body and hide in the darkest corner I could possibly find. How anyone involved in this game’s development could look at this deeply racist and downright embarrassing excuse for a character and think this was okay, I don’t know.

And before anyone tries to excuse it by saying that he has been living in China for a hundred years, so he’s bound to pick a few things up, please note that Nolan North is in this game playing the Furon Emperor Meningitis, who also has an over the top ‘ah so’ accent. Now I suppose some could argue that the game is satirising how Asian people were portrayed at the time, but if that’s what the game is going for, they’ve failed miserably. See, the problem with that argument is that replicating something doesn’t count as satire. By recreating over the top racist caricatures, you’re not making fun of them. If anything you’re just reinforcing them. The first game’s satire of the Red Scare worked so much better than this because there was an actual point behind it. It comments on how paranoid the people of the 50s were at the time by using Majestic to exploit the threat of communism in order to cover up alien activity, and everyone willingly buys into it because of that sheer paranoia. Now yes, admittedly the humour in Destroy All Humans isn’t the most sophisticated in the world, but it used to be a LOT better than this. Not only do I find the racial stereotyping in this game deeply offensive, it’s also frankly beneath this franchise. And it’s not just limited to the Chinese either. The final act takes us to the Furon homeworld (which was pretty underwhelming after four games worth of buildup) and we meet another Furon called Endometriosis whose only characteristics are that he has an Italian accent and wears a beret. It’s these broad strokes and general laziness that makes this game such a disappointing experience.

Path Of The Furon is subpar in every way imaginable. The writing, the humour, the gameplay and even the graphics. The first two games looked so much better than this and they were on older consoles from the previous generation. It’s shocking.

It’s hard to blame Sandblast Games for this considering they were shut down before development was finished. It was THQ’s mismanagement and financial woes that killed off this franchise and indeed themselves. The company went bankrupt in 2012 and their various IPs were sold off to other studios, with Nordic Games buying the lions’ share, including Destroy All Humans, which briefly reignited hopes that we might get another game, but that seemed unlikely considering the franchise has never exactly been a mainstream success. There was even talks of doing an animated sitcom based on the games for Fox, to be written by the same guy who did King Of The Hill, but that never went anywhere.

No. It seemed like Destroy All Humans was gone for good and fans reluctantly made peace with that. It was fun while it lasted, but perhaps it was time to move on.

Oh The Furonity!

I’m not going to lie. I was pretty sure we were never going to see Destroy All Humans return. Not just because of its lack of mainstream appeal, but also because game development studios and publishers in recent years have become more and more reluctant to make single player, mid-tier games. Instead pivoting toward massive triple A releases and ‘live services’. So it came as a rather pleasant surprise when Nordic Games, now named THQ Nordic, released Darksiders III in 2018, a sequel to a series of games that were also not very mainstream but still had a significant cult following. This briefly reignited a small flicker of hope within me that maybe, just maybe, we might see our favourite Furon return.

And as you already know, I got my wish. A new Destroy All Humans game will be released next year by THQ Nordic and Black Forest Games.

So what can this remake learn from the franchise’s past? Well thankfully the writing and voice acting is going to remain the same, so story, characterisation and humour won’t be an issue. They’re also incorporating elements from the sequels such as Transmogrify from Destroy All Humans 2 and giving PK its own button like in Path Of The Furon. There’s also a few new additions that I’m excited about such as the ability to dodge and strafe using the jetpack. That should make combat much more exciting and dynamic. I know a few people have a problem with the new cartoony designs of the humans and the world, but I honestly don’t mind. In fact I think it suits the tone and setting quite well. Hopefully people will eventually get used to it. The big question mark hovering over all this is whether they’re planning to remake the other games in the series. I for one would love to see a remake of the second game. As for Big Willy Unleashed and Path Of The Furon, I think it’s best to leave them firmly in the past. The big dream would be to see Crypto and Pox have further adventures together beyond the first two games. Hopefully even have enough sequels to get the characters to the present day. We’ll just have to wait and see what the future brings. My only word of advice for them would be to never forget what made the first two games so good and so beloved. Big Willy Unleashed and Path Of The Furon lost their way, as its writing and humour grew lazier and lazier. If we are fortunate enough to get more games, the developers will need to remember what it was about the first game that made it so special and build off of it.

This is a second chance. Not a lot of franchises get this. Don’t waste it. Here’s hoping the remake will provide the definitive Destroy All Humans experience and that it will gain the success it deserves.

#destroy all humans #pandemic studios #locomotive games #sandblast games #thq #video games #quill's scribbles

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jmkitsune · 6 years

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I love star wars and this post WILL contain many spoilers to the sagas. I’ll try my best to limit them but many will have to be discussed. As they pertain to The Last Jedi. I apologize now, if you wish to avoid them- dip now. It will be a trap :D

those who know me would probably say I breathe star wars more than air sometimes...well in times that I go off about it, they probably think if star wars was not to exist I’d simply blink out...maybe let’s not find out please.

However with the new sequels a LOT of my friends had, to my surprise, kept on me about wanting to talk about the Last Jedi. I hadn’t seen it by the time they all had due to different reasons so they all were desperately saying how badly they wanted me to see it. They “needed to talk about it with me” some said, others simply were hella curious with my “love for the series, how did it hold up in MY point of view”

This is a new feeling, being the token star wars fan in my group is normal but this idea of my love for it being something that meant friends who normally aren’t into it or would just LET me talk about it then move on was now replaced with “Hey...TALK ABOUT IT WITH US”

Mind you...this post is like scratching the sruface so it’s not gonna encompass allll my thoughts, that’d take WAY WAY too long so yeah.... strap in I’m calculating the jump to “holy fuck JM is a nerd”

I say this- all of this is over the time of me watching all that I can about star wars, reading all the material I’ve read and accepting the OLD CANON is gone, it’s legends now. The NEW CANON is what it is, I love both equally and accept that Legends is that- LEGEND, what gets recycled will be, the rest...well won’t be.

Alrighty so- I remember being 16 or 17 and hearing that Lucas viewed the OT and Prequels as Poetry, he wanted there to be Rhyme scheme in the movies, which you can see in this video (this one includes new trilogy and Rogue one)

youtube

see, when I learned that, I wasn’t smart as I am now in terms of writing/story telling. I was just some high schooler who wanted to write something LIKE STAR WARS and be able to create that feeling that Lucas gave me everytime I saw those opening crawls, heard a lightsaber ignite, the sound of an X-wing opening it’s s-foils, hearing Luke say “I’m a Jedi, like my father before me.” etc

Now that I’m older, have experience more in writing, experience in critiquing and not simply LOVING for the sake of loving without having a critical eye I see where flaws are in the movies. Every story has flaws. DEAL WITH IT. What I started to see what this poetry finally. I mean this in a different way than people might expect me to mean. I finally understood why certain scenes were shot the way they were, it wasn’t “oh hey that looks familiar, its a coincidence.” no it was intentional. It was meant as a callback/throwback/etc, it’s done to inspire this feeling of “Hey, in a galaxy far away- didn’t something like this happen?” it evokes the feeling that whatever scene it reminds you of evoked.

When Luke loses his hand, you feel the same feeling as when Anakin loses part of his arm. When you see Star Killer base for the first time, it’s meant to draw the same momentary feeling you got when you FIRST see the death star. Not a “oh another super weapon” but “oh. My. Gods...that is huge.” cause remember the preivew for Rogue One? The star destroyer coming out of the shadow of the Death Star, that looked big as a ship right? Then the camera pans out and you see the dish being installed and then see the SAME STAR DESTROYER LOOKING TINY...the scale was done perfectly. It created a reaction in us. A feeling of being small, insignificant next to that technological terror, right?

Now discussing why I loved Episode 8 (even with it’s flaws) I draw heavily on this poetry in star wars.

Star wars is supposed to be poetic, each stanza (trilogy) mirroring but differing from the one before it. (the following three things will be generalized and brief but I’ll expand as Igo, don’t worry.)

Prequels- a gilded age, corruption abound, Jedi in their prime, undermined by a single Sith who was RIGHT THERE, heavy tech vs nature esque war (clones of biologically human vs droids) and the fall of a young man who was given too much responsibility too young and in his attempt to save those he loved, destroyed all he had thought he'd love in his childhood due to seeing that the Jedi (his heroes) were not really what he imagined they'd be (he saw holy warriors of GOODNESS) only to find, closed minded arrogant corupt and well frankly inept council of monks who turn on their own code when it meant "destroying the sith"

Original Trilogy- gritty war for good vs evil, the evil so...sterile, white and male vs a rag tag/dirty femine lead rebellion, technological terror's vs natural force powers, a father being redeemed by his son who refused to only see the bad like others did, and that bringing of balance. Anakin had destroyed the Jedi Order in his original fall, leaving only Two Jedi (Yoda/Obi wan) and when they died it left 2 sith vs Luke, and in the end to save Luke- he destroyed the last two Sith- Palpatine and himself- allowing only balance. Luke someone who was neither Jedi/Sith, he was...a Jedi LIKE his father who sought balance

New Trilogy- complacency has lead to not only corruption again but the return of said sterile white male dominated evil threatening the peace of a more nurturing New Republic, the heroes of old brittle and fallen from grace due to the weight of what they did in their past being HEAVY and the new gen "meeting their heroes" only to realize, heroes are simply people that made hard choices and do the right thing, making them now heroes to many to come

notice how some things from the prequels made it to the OT? The New trilogy? And some things in the OT happened also in the first and third trilogies? There is not an ABAB rhyme scheme, its more free verse but there is still a scheme in there. It happens subtly and in ways that flow naturally (Even if they are intentionally constructed rhymes)

Now we come to the “villains” each trilogy gave us, let’s see the rhymes there.

Prequels-

Darth Maul-

the Rage, the unbridled hatred for the Jedi. His arrival signified the Jedi’s flawed sight. His combat with Qui Gon and Obi Wan challenged many things, it challenged the viewers in light of “we didn’t know bad Jedi could do this?! (he was the first to carry a double sided saber) he was so acrobatic, he was young he was GOOD with a saber. He made TWO JEDI work their hardest to beat, and only lost after that LONG drawn out conflict. Notice also how he existed. He WAS the Phantom (A sith assassin) HE WAS the menace (he was harassing Qui Gon on Tattooine, then again on Naboo.) Maul also was the indicative of what the Jedi feared most. The return of the Sith. It meant there was one more in the universe. The Rule of Two is introduced. One Master. One Apprentice.

Darth Sidious/Palpatine-

The chess master, the villain in plain sight, the father figure to our hero, the man who if you forget is the villain, sometimes would be believable as a good guy. Guys I grew up with the OT from my earliest memories. I knew it was “Emperor Palpatine” but I also remember in 99, 2001 and 2003 until the scenes happened obviously that Senator/Chancellor Palpatine was NOT the Emperor. I could not connect it because Prequel Palpatine (until scenes happen) WAS A GOOD GUY, he wanted to bring peace and prosperity to the REPUBLIC. HE LOVED DEMOCRACY. Like Obi Wan says in Ep 3 to Padme “we were tricked by a lie. A lie by the sith, a lie that convinced us that our enemy was not right where we were.” Palpatine IS A VILLAIN because he convinces you he didn’t exist. He was the devil who tricked humanity into thinking wasn’t real. But you knew he was...but couldn’t prove.

Count Dooku/Darth Tyranus-

Political villain. He wasn’t bad for evil’s sake (he didn’t have sith eyes like Maul/Sidious) he was a man who was broken by the flaws in the Jedi Council. He lost his padawan (Qui Gon) and that mourning turned into bitter resentment, he saw through the problems the Jedi Order ignored in themselves, found a teacher in Sidious who promised to give him the chance to wipe the slate clean. His political villainy come from good intentions paving the way to hell.

General Grevious-

The Proxy villain. He is literally there to take the heat. He isn’t “human” he is more machine than living creature. He hates the Jedi and you can see that he is a proto vader of sorts. His breathing is broken, his lacking in “organic traits” and hatred for everything is rhyming in Vader’s soon to come, but it rhymes in a foreboding way. Especially when Anakin says to him “General Grevious, you’re shorter than I expected” he wasn’t meant to be taken lightly but yet we take him lightly because we ALL know (even those who watch the prequels first) that something DARKER does exist. Grevious- though scary and not someone you wanna fight one on one, you know isn’t the worst monster in the galaxy. He’s just an angry bitter cyborg who steals lightsbaers. He’ll get what he deserves soon enough, the monster will be slain by the brave knight.

ORIGINAL TRILOGY VILLAIN

Darth FREAKING Vader-

Ok like guys

you need to understand. As before stated, when I was a wee little JM, I would spend A LOT (like I’m guessing daily) watching star wars as early as Kindergarten, imagine for a moment a tiny little JM cross legged on his bed, bouncing as the opening crawl comes, begging his mom to READ the crawl for him (every time cause dammit mom does it best) then stay when scenes had subtitles (Mostly Return of the Jedi but still) Star Wars to me...was like the story of knights or cowboys to other kids. Luke Skywalker was my goals, Han solo was the guy I hoped I could be cool as, and Leia was like AMAZING in terms of “hey girls are as cool if not cooler than guys!”

BUT VADER, Darth Vader’s first appearance to me was terrifying. We had just watched these humans all nervously watch a door, hearing these weird, alien, mechanical sounds creaking over their ship, the tension SO REAL to everyone, something bad is going to happen. Not because of a war but something else is going to come down on them. Those sounds are a clue, something not human is coming for them. THEN THE EXPLOSION AND GUN FIGHT HAPPENS! Soldiers are fighting, Storm troopers pushing in and taking out Rebels. Rebel soldiers running, screaming, trying to fight back, it’s assured that if you were in that hall you weren’t going home. BUT as a kid I BELIEVED they had a chance! They had to, they were the good guys, no bad guy could overwhelm the underdog….unitl BUM BUH DUM… imitates Vader’s breathing THAT MAN WALKED IN...he wasn’t a man though. He was a force, of evil, his breathing was labored but somehow terrifying, his face was a metal mask that inspired the look of something from nightmares, his cape billowed like smoke out of the darkest places, and his movements were deliberate, his actions cold and harsh. HE LOOKED OFFENDED that some of his storm troopers died on the floor. Like their death was an INSULT to his very existence, what would he do to his enemies when he found them?

This villain was one you FEARED, but not only that but when you learn from Obi Wan that he killed Luke’s father, you hate him. You want Luke or Obi Wan to beat him. You want this villain to suffer for what he did, he hunted down Jedi. He killed Luke’s father, he helped the Empire become what it is now. Vader became a target for your hate because that is what Vader IS. Darth Vader is hate incarnate. You learn in the Expanded universe (canon and legends) that Vader hates everything. But one thing more than others. HIMSELF. He hates who he was. What he is. What he has done. What he will do. Vader is walking hatred and that carries him, that sustains him. That is why he survived what created him. Hatred. We are meant to hate that. Because it makes for things later to be as powerful as they are. The twist reveals. The possibility of redemption. Everything HINGES on our hatred, fear and disgust with him.

Now if you’ll notice I’ve spent A LOT of time explaining Vader’s type of villain. Want to know why? Because like Vader, Star wars is very good at rhyming things. Notice though (cause its a carry over from Prequel to OT) Palpatine is not listed twice, he didn’t need to be. He is the same villain in both trilogies, he is the core theme rhymed. The anti-thesis to the goodness trying to combat evil in Stanzas 1 and 2. He is the core threat that both trilogies face and succumb to then revive to defeat.

Palpatine caused the corruption in Stanza 1, Palpatine orchestrated the political villain’s birth by unleashing the rage villain onto Qui Gon/Obi Wan. Palpatine is the force that pushes things from A to B he doesn’t need much depth in terms of rhyming him. Nothing CAN rhyme him. Like no villain before or after can Rhyme Vader truly. Only build up to him or try to recreate him….which means we walk cautiously into the 30 year gap that is the New Trilgoy.

30 years after Vader’s redemption, Palpatine’s death, Luke’s successful battle against the sith, the Empire’s fall...we meet our New Villains.

The First Order.

New Trilogy

Supreme Leader Snoke-

A villain we wanted to be more, we want him to be something that he isn’t because well we had been spoiled by previous villains. WE, those who lived through both previous trilogies, have gone through the rodeo before. We know there are TRUE villains out there, we have seen the DARKEST that the Sith could throw at us. However with Snoke we tilted our head and were curious. Was he better than Palpatine? Was Sidious NOT the worst out there? It seemed possible. He had his Knights of Ren, the First Order/Remnants of the Old Empire at his disposal. More than that- he had groomed his apprentice. Kylo Ren. Notice this isn’t a DARTH (the official title of each Sith Lord) This villain obviously harolded from the dark side, he wished to hunt and slay all the new Jedi Luke had groomed, yet he wasn’t a Sith...so what. Was. He?

We learned...exactly what we learned. Snoke was Snoke. His fate, his character, everything. WE LEARNED it in Last Jedi. I am not saying we wont get more from the EU (books/tv series/games/etc) but the movie gave us what was relevant to the trilogy/the movie poetry. Snoke was rhyming Sidious in one way- the schemer. He truly thought he had planned it all, he felt confident in his victory that he savored it while it hadn’t fully ripened. Picture if you could the scenes from Guardians of the Galaxy 2, the three scenes involving Nebula and that fruit she wanted to eat.

It wasn’t ripe the first time- Star Killer Base It wasn’t ripe the second time- Kylo got his ASS KICKED by Rey

It wasn’t ripe the third time- he presumed to know how Kylo would remain his servant always. Right up til he was skewered because of his arrogance. His plan wasn’t ripe, yet he bit into it to enjoy it’s predicted sweet victory taste.

Snoke is the villain who in his time believed that being only on his home stretch mile, could gloat that he run the race. He is the Hare teasing the tortoise. He is the cheater who tips his hand right before the other player reveals the royal flush they’re not holding and bluffing their way to hopeful victory.

Now. Kylo/Ben.

Ok. This is going to be a test for me cause honestly I had hopes for Ben/Kylo yes you’re getting both names here there is a reason

When The Force Awakens FIRST preview dropped and we saw Kylo spinning his saber towards Finn. I had one hope. ONE HOPE. This was that Kylo was a double agent. I hoped that Kylo being Han and Leia’s son (we knew before going in cause it was revealed) was tricking Snoke, playing the dark side user into believing he DID win Ben over. He fooled the evil master mind with Luke’s help. Faking the destruction of the Jedi Temple, his Knights of Ren undercover with him, a strike team sent in to infiltrate the First Order from within, giving Snoke his Kylo Ren as a Trojan horse. I NEEDED THIS. I needed to see that Luke was able to craft a team similar to the one who saved Han in Jedi.

Force Awakens Ended and well Kylo isn’t a double….at least not yet. He tried to teach Rey, and he didn’t want to kill Han. At least not in the Force’s eyes. The novelization said so, in killing Han he got weaker, a sith gets STRONGER in that type of event, yet Ben/Kylo weakens. It’s obvious the boy didn’t want to do it. I hoped with this confirmation it was canon that Ben was still in there. Not because I wanted this shitty man to be redeemed. He wasn’t Anakin. He didn’t deserve it. I wanted him to see his failings and CHOOSE to come back. More so I wanted to see that Han’s death was an intentional sacrifice for a greater good. I wanted Han to have given himself to save his son’s remaining spark of good, I NEEDED THAT. I needed to see a father who was primarily absent in his son’s life make that decision as a last ditch effort to assure his son that he knew the good in him was there, that the good in him was going to be what he is. Not the dark, bad, villain we saw in Kylo. It was a personal need.

Fast forward to Last Jedi. Here we go, Ben/Kylo was seen in previews as torn, breaking his mask that he fashioned after his grandfather’s mask. We see hesitation in his attacking of Leia’s ship in his TIE SILENCER, we see a moment of indecision, Kylo was wavering, Ben was surfacing. The scar looking mechanical- rhyming with Anakin and Luke- an injury leaving them with a mechanical healing method. It rhymed. Each Skywalker man now carried an injury that left them inching closer to “more machine than man” in a story that has HEAVILY been “Nature vs Technology”

Kylo/Ben however doesn’t reveal some secret double agent scheme.

No Ben/Kylo in a moment being REAL reveals his memory of events. Luke tried to kill him. He defended himself and made his choice. He saw his uncle willing to kill him for reasons mostly obvious, others probably still unknown to Ben/Kylo. His revelation also shows that he carries grudges from long in the past. He didn’t want to kill Han, but he carried the hatred of his father and mother’s failed relationship with him. We see that Ben chose to be Kylo Ren. It wasn’t Snoke puppeting him. At least not entirely, he used strings to show him what he could be. Ben however cut the strings and picked up the mask, the cape, the mantal and bled the crystal in his saber to make that thing red himself.

To Quote Obi Wan-

I walked out of that movie hearing it over and over because of Kylo’s accusations of Luke failing him and making him what he was. Yes Luke failed BEN. Luke in a moment of humanity, a moment of being an older, experienced, and tired hero...saw a potential threat and in his moment of humanity actually weighed the options of killing the threat of living with it- trying to temper it and extinguish it without succumbing to murder of his beloved nephew. Ben did not care. Ben- like the Jedi and the Sith, only saw in absolute. He saw Luke THINK about it, and decided that Luke made up his mind. Ben chose to be Kylo Ren, he could have stayed and talked to Luke, discussed what happened, reached an understanding and grew as uncle/nephew or teacher/student. No. He chose the quick and easy path, like a true dark sider does.

Ben Solo did die that night. Kylo Ren didn’t kill him though. Kylo Ren took up his face and wore him, as an insult to Luke, Leia and Han. Kylo Ren wore the face of Ben Solo to try and seduce Rey into joining him. Kylo Ren wore Ben Solo’s fractured and conflicted face when he tricked Snoke into believing he was a puppet so when the time came- unlike his grandfather (in his mind) before him, he could seize power. And finish what he started.

Kylo Ren wears Ben Solo’s face the way some Vlad the Impaler left the heads of his enemies on spikes to intimidate and psychologically destroy his enemies. Ben Solo’s visage and memory is used as a weapon by Kylo Ren to wrench Han’s heart and force him on that catwalk, in hopes of bringing his boy home. As a constant reminder of Luke’s moment in humanity as a Jedi in fearing what might come and causing it anyway, and then the following years of doubt, guilt and pain over the possibility of creating the villain that threatened the galaxy, killed his best friend and chased down his twin sister in hopes of slaughtering her and all she stood for. Kylo wore the mask of Ben Solo as a weapon to give Rey this idea of hope to save him and used it so that when it failed, in her moment of grief for her failure, he could seduce and turn her.

Like we saw- Kylo Ren failed. He failed to turn Rey multiple times. Not because oh she’s a good guy, she won’t turn. But because Kylo Ren can’t invoke a sense of loyalty. He wears the face of a boy who is dead. Kylo Ren is the monster under your bed who wears the face of your stuffed animal then rips you under it to eat you. We know you’re not the good guy you pretend to be. Rey didn’t believe he was bad, she knew it was a possibility but she- had hope- Kylo Ren doesn’t understand this.

In Harry Potter, Harry tells Voldermort that because he never knows love/friendship- Harry pities that dark lord. In Star Wars, Kylo Ren doesn’t know loyalty. He doesn’t know compassion.

He knows greed and fear.

He feared the light, he feared the sentiment that Anakin Skywalker held for his son slaying Vader for good. He craved the power Snoke dangled and held. He feared that if he remained like Luke’s Jedi were- he’d never taste what he felt belonged to him by right. He and Hux share this sense of entitlement due to lineage/bloodlines. It’s interesting when viewed from the point of view- he came from EVERYTHING and gave it up for what he thought was better.

The son of a Senator/War hero, a smugler/war general, nephew to the GREAT JEDI LUKE SKYWALKER and THE GRANDSON of the CHOSEN ONE Anakin Skywalker. This was not enough for him.

Rey – coming from nothing didn’t want any of those things. She didn’t care if she was something or anything. She just wanted to know who she was. She was originally a spec of sand on Jakku now she walked with Han Solo- the famous Smuggler (oh and the War General I guess?) she met Princess- Now General LEIA ORGANA, the woman who fought the Empire, who saved Han from Jabba (then slayed him) the woman who never quit. Plus she was to become the student of the mythical, legend- Luke. Fucking Skywalker.

She didn’t even feel worthy but accepted it because as she met each one- she learned they were people. They were not Gods, they were flawed like her, they made mistakes, they made choices they didn’t like, all because at the time, it was the best thing they could do. They were trying, they were hopeful, and they were good people.

Ben Solo knew these things- he was Luke’s heir to the Jedi Order he built. He learned from his Uncle without complaint until the end, he was the son of these two amazing people of the Rebellion. Then he learned of his grandfather’s identity...everything changed. He felt lied to. Which is true, but this is where Kylo Ren tasted life and needed more.

Kylo rhymes a villain from the old EU in my opinion. Well a few.

Darth Scion

Darth Traya

Darth Nilhus

See like Scion- Kylo is fueled by pain. Scion was physical pain, but Kylo is emotional pain. He strives to push himself into the most emotionally conflicted states. Sometimes physical too. He kept hitting his bowcaster wound in TFA, he surrounded himself with the images of his grandfather and sought guidance from his spirit while in his room and when we saw him attacking Leia’s fleet- he couldn’t pull the trigger to hit the bridge killing his mother. Kylo Ren is a dark sider who thrives when conflicted because it fuels his rash decisions and rage over indecisiveness

he reminds me of Darth Traya because of two quotes that remind of Kylo

“It’s such a quiet thing, to fall. But far more terrible is to admit it.” - Kylo was born from darkness growing Ben over time. He fell quietly then when he admitted his fall that night in his cabin with Luke- it was far more terrible than we expected. It was a dark dark night for all involved.

Second quote is -

“Know that there was once a Darth Traya. And that she cast aside that role, was exiled, and found a new purpose. But there must always be a Darth Traya, one that holds the knowledge of betrayal. Who has been betrayed in their heart, and will betray in turn.”

This reminds me because look at Kylo/Ben’s history- he felt betrayed in his life and in turn he simply betrays all those around him that he feels slighted by. He instead of healing and growing from betrayal, simply festers his pain and lashes out in betrayal back.

Darth Nilhus though is simply- both men crave an insatiable craving. Power doesn’t do it, prestige doesn’t satisfy, nothing does, nothing can. A dark dark undefinable hole exist in them both and calls to be filled and attempts to fill it always satiate for a small time before the rage demands more.

Alright so I’ve spent A LOT of time talking about the whole character rhyming and that tangent made this longer than it should be, so now I come to the fact that I started- why I loved Last Jedi.

deep inhale

ok ready?

yeah...Leia said it right- Hope.

That’s it. This movie was one event after another of things destroying your sense of hope.

Poe lost all those pilots/bombers in his plan to destroy the Dreadnought.

Leia was losing hope as each of her ships were being picked off by the Supremacy that tracked them through hyperspace.

Luke had lost all hope before this movie and Rey was losing her hope in turn because of his hopeless state.

Finn and Rose were losing hope in so much

1- Rose lost hope in Finn once she saw him trying to run

2- Finn lost hope in DJ once the shoe dropped.

3- Both lost hope in the plan once it was revealed to be impossible to succeed due to their betrayal

4- Seeing the Ram preparing to destroy their hiding base- Rose lost hope until Finn’s daring thing.

Rey’s hopeful attempt at saving Kylo/Ben, it was looking so good til the last second and that hurt the most, the team up WAS THAT HOPE REVIVED like it sparked a sense of “they’re brutally fighting for their lives like Sith, but elegantly together in everything like Jedi, this is THEM bringing balance, they are saving the Galaxy, Ben Solo is back…..or so we thought.

Like every time our heroes did something it backfired, blew up, failed, or simply didn’t go how they wanted.

But in the end- after all that

we got hope back

1- Rey saves the Resistence with Chewie and escapes Crait.

2- Luke saves them by buying time and giving himself in a LEGENDARY act of challenging the ENTIRE first order by himself and simply brushing it off like it’s no biggie.

3- Kylo FAILS in his first act of Supreme Leader in destroying his enemies and has to live with the fact that it was all his own fault.

Hope was revived in the fact that for all those losses, one after another, we learned something. Yoda said it. Failure is the greatest teacher and teachers can hope for their students to take what is taught and become MORE than their predecessors.

Luke passed on what he learned. He learned from his failings, he learned from Yoda, Obi Wan, etc. He passed it all along with the teachings of the original Jedi to Rey (not even REMOTELY close to all that being intentional) and she is now going to be more than him. As Luke was more than Yoda/Obi Wan (who believed Vader had to die, and Anakin was beyond gone.)

Rey is hope. She is that ray of light in the darkness. Leia knew to trust in her because after everything, Luke reminded her- they’ve survived worse and came back strong. Rey can do that with the next gen.

THE BOY AT THE END is proof. Rose gave him the ring, he is the exploited poor masses personified. He is the fans who see these movies, and hear the morals and see the heroes and emulate them. He is those of us who see the sky at night and dream of doing the right thing. He dreams of being that next legend. He knows he isn’t legendary but, if Luke Skywalker can, why not him? If Leia could? Why can’t his friend?

The boy at the end- force pulling the broom is the message of the Last Jedi.

Luke was the Last Jedi for so long, he passed on what he learned and because of that now, a new Jedi will Rise. Rey, along any and all those she inspires to combat the forces of people like Kylo Ren. The man who could have been what Rey is, but because he walked into a dark shadow and let it engulf him, the strength of the dark he drank from rose to meet him- Rey.

He now commands the First Order, his hate fueling his obsession to claim everything.

Rey- feeling lost has everything she needs- to find those who need her to lead them in resistance and rebel, the spark was ignited to light a fire, that WILL burn the first order down. The fire is Kylo Ren, his anger is going to burn everything around him and leave him alone while Rey is there, leading the triumphant return of justice and good to the Galaxy.

In FF Advent Children, Rufus Shinra makes a comment “If that cycle is the very truth of life, then history, too, will inevitably repeat itself. So go on; bring your Jenova's and your Sephiroth's. It won't matter. We'll do as life dictates and stop you every single time.”

This is star wars

it is history repeating itself. But every time someone does what the force dictates. Raises up, and stops it. EVERY. TIME.

The Force is the rhyme in the universe’s poem here. The force let’s the bad rise, the bad grows, destroying, claiming and leaving ruin in it’s wake. Because the darker the night, the brighter the dawn of the next day, when the sun returns, warmth fills the sky and clears the shadows to bring peace and life back to the galaxy.

This wasn’t alll intentionally drawn by the creators obviously but this is what a STAR WARS lover like me drew. This is the surface of what this movie and all the previous ones did for me.

It- like other mediums, some mentioned in this long essay- inspired hope. Hope that even when the worst nightmare claims me, planting my feet firm and igniting my lightsaber to fight back can be done, but its not the main thing I need to do. My main responsibility in face of despair, terrible things and true evil. Is not fight that which comes in hopes of destroying all that I hate in it. No. My job. My mission is to always remember to protect all that I love so it my flourish when the bad passes.

Star Wars teaches us to ensure that we don’t need to win by wiping out things, we simply need to make sure that which threatens us doesn’t consume that makes us good and turns us as putrid and evil as them.

#jm rambles #star wars thoughts #I don't talk ENOUGH about star wars #but hey here are SOME thoughts #they are nothing special #I seriously probably have given Adrienne SO MUCH STAR WARS talk in the past its ridiculous #I'm like a walking star wars dictionary sometimes #other times I'm a star wars op ed #there is no middle ground >.>#SPOILERS FOR STAR WARS

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junker-town · 4 years

Text

‘Little Giants’ deserved a sequel. So we made one

Warner Brothers production / Illustration by Tyson Whiting

What would a sequel to the 1994 “Little Giants” movie have looked like? SB Nation’s Sam Eggleston thinks he knows.

Let’s rewind our VHS tapes to October 1995, when Little Giants first hit the big screen. It wasn’t particularly well-reviewed, nor was it a blockbuster hit. What it was, and what it became, was a cult classic.

In today’s entertainment climate, that would have nearly guaranteed a sequel would be born from the $19.3M it made at the box office ($32.5M in today’s dollars).

But what would the sequel be?

At the end of the first film, the Little Giants win their head-to-head single game and become the lone pee-wee team in Urbania, Ohio, with players from both teams comprising the roster and former rival coaches Kevin and Danny O’Shea splitting duties at the helm of the program. The town’s water tower is changed to reflect the contributions of both O’Shea brothers.

We fade to black and the credits begin to roll.

In the sequel, dubbed Little Giants Go For 2, we open up with the Giants having just defeated another opponent from a nearby town. The team, in a show of sportsmanship, is shaking hands with the other team at the 50-yard line, the scoreboard lit up in the background to show a 20-point win.

“Why do you have to be such a Neanderthal all the time?”

Kevin and Danny are cheering with the kids in the locker room afterward, well-placed endorsement items like Gatorade and Doritos here and there.

”We’re going to the state playoffs and our first game is a week from today,” Kevin says. “There are three games ahead of us before the state championship game, and we’ve got our work cut out for us. We’re going to have to lay some wood and crack some heads if we’re going to get through Port Clinton in the first round.”

”And we’re going to have to have fun, too,” Danny pipes in. Kevin rolls his eyes. Right then, the commissioner of the pee-wee league comes into the locker room, holding the regional trophy the team just won. The kids cheer and rush the poor man, who is taken to the ground when Marcus trips and tumbles into him. The trophy flies into the air and gasps abound until Hot Hands Hanon leaps up and snags it.

”Spike thinks that was a great catch,” says the former villain as he takes the trophy. He claps Hanon on the back, sending him sprawling to the ground.

”Ugh,” Becky O’Shea says from behind Spike. “Why do you have to be such a Neanderthal all the time?”

Spike scrunches up his face, clearly trying to avoid an outburst.

”Spike … is … not … A NEANDERTHAL!” he screams out. “Besides, Spike would rather be that than a stupid girl!”

”This stupid girl has kicked your butt before and can do it again!”

Junior Floyd steps between them.

”Stop it!” he says. “We just won a game because the two of you are the best football players in Ohio. We’re better when we’re a team and not trying to fight each other.”

Becky glares at Spike for a moment and then puts her hand out for a shake.

”Fine,” she says. “I’m sorry for calling you a Neanderthal.”

Spike stares at her hand for a moment and then turns and walks away without a word.

Warner Brothers production / Illustration by Tyson Whiting

We return to Urbania where we see Danny working at the service station. He is talking to the town’s mayor as he pumps gas. The discussion is about the upcoming game against Port Clinton, a game the mayor has heard the Little Giants will probably win hands down.

As the mayor pulls away, another car comes into the station lot, the bell ringing as it pulls up to the pumps. It’s Danny’s love interest, Patty. She is all smiles as she gets out of the car, a lunchbox in her hand.

”You forgot this,” she said as Danny approaches.

”Did I?” he teases. “Maybe I just left it so I’d get to see you a little extra today.”

The two are about to share a kiss when a full-size Hummer H1 comes roaring into the station, surprising them. The Hummer is a gaudy green and gold with a hood ornament in the shape of a wedge of cheese.

Danny steps up to the tinted driver’s window, which rolls down slowly. Inside is a man wearing Tommy Hilfiger with a pair of Oakley sunglasses.

”You O’Shea?” the man asks, chewing a wad of gum. Next to him in the passenger’s seat is basically a miniature clone of him.

”I am,” Danny responds, looking more than a bit confused. “And you are?”

”Freddy Hayes,” he says, cracking a jerk-type smile. “Coach Freddy Hayes.”

Danny looks at the boy in the passenger’s seat. He, too, is wearing Oakleys and chewing gum.

”That’s great,” Danny says, polite as always. “Any relation to Woody?”

”Yeah,” the guy says. “Well, probably. Like distant cousins on my dad’s side. Maybe.”

Danny glances back at Patty, who just shrugs. The question clearly irritates Hayes, who reaches out and pokes Danny in the chest with his index finger.

”I know you’re the coach of those stupid Little Giants,” he says, scoffing. “Well, I coach the Packers over at Port Clinton. And you know what? I’m going to make sure you and your brother get the beating you deserve.

”Boo-yah!”

Without giving Danny a chance to respond, Hayes slams on the gas and tears out into the street, forcing a car to swerve to avoid hitting him. Tires squeal as the big Hummer tears away.

”What the hell was that?” Danny wonders aloud.

There is commotion inside O’Shea Chevrolet.

”Freddy Hayes?!?” Kevin O’Shea yells from inside the dealership. The scene jumps inside as Danny nods his head.

”Yeah. Do you know him?”

”Know him?” Kevin repeats, pacing around his office. “You could say that. The year I won the Heisman, I pretty much punched the ticket with four touchdowns in the Alamo Bowl. On the last play of the game, we were down by four, and Coach called a wheel route off the play-action. As I turn up field, our quarterback Beau Rondeau hit me with a beaut of a pass. I secure the ball, start sprinting down the sideline and here comes the defense’s best player, Freddy Hayes.

”Well, Freight Train Freddy makes the mistake of going for my knees. As soon as I saw his shoulder drop, I jumped and hurdled right over him.” Kevin mimes the move energetically.

Danny’s eyes grow wide.

”I remember that,” he says. “He flew right off the field and slammed into those poor cheerleaders. And you scored, untouched.”

”And they replayed it on SportsCenter over and over,” Kevin says, a smile on his face. “Dan Patrick must have played that clip 10 times in a row.”

The O’Shea brothers look at each other and in perfect sync quote Patrick.

”The WHIFFFFFFF!”

Danny sits down in the chair across from Kevin’s desk. “So what the heck does he want with you now?”

Kevin stands up, rotating the wedding ring on his finger as he looks out the window into the car lot.

”I think it’s obvious,” he says. “Don’t you?”

Danny remains silent.

”He wants revenge, Danny. He wants to embarrass us like we embarrassed him.”

”Wait — ‘we’ didn’t embarrass anyone. You did!”

Kevin chuckles as he walks up to his little brother. He pats him on the shoulder.

”There’s no ‘you’ in team, Danny. He wants all the Little Giants to suffer.”

The Little Giants are all sitting in an old garage, pizza and soda and other goodies scattered around. Junior Floyd is sitting on a beat-up couch with Becky “Icebox” O’Shea. They are holding hands. Nearby, there are a few of the old Cowboys players chatting with Rudy Zolteck and the rest of the Little Giants are scattered around.

Spike is lifting weights while little Jake Berman watches in amazement. “His arms are the size of my head!” Berman announces before wiping his nose.

”That’s because Spike never misses his weight training,” Spike says. “That’s because Spike knows the value of a good diet and a strong workout.”

Zolteck turns to look at Spike. He’s holding a bag of Reese’s Pieces.

”Do you like seafood?” He asks Spike.

”Yeah, it’s a great source of protein,” Spike says.

”Here’s some see food for you!” Zolteck says, opening his mouth to reveal the chewed up and colorful oranges and yellows mixed with peanut butter brown in his mouth.

”Ugh!” Spike says, dropping the weights to the ground with a thud. “Why do they even let you in here?”

Zolteck shrugs his shoulders and throws more candy into his mouth. At the same time, the door to the garage opens and Kevin and Danny enter.

”All right, take a seat and shut your mouths,” Kevin says as he walks up to a television and VCR. He pops a tape in and the static on the screen turns to a football game.

”Whoa,” says Junior. “Those guys are big.”

”Really, really big,” says Tad Simpson.

”Bigger than Spike,” Johnny Vennaro says.

Spike growls as he stares at the television under a furrowed brow.

The scene on the film shows play after play of a team wearing green and gold crushing their opponents. Offensive lines look like wet paper bags and defenders tear through them, sacking the quarterback and picking up tackles for losses. Interceptions abound. On offense, they cruise through their opponents like they are running past tackling dummies.

”Who are they?” Vennaro asks, his eyes wide with fear.

”That, kids, is the team from Port Clinton,” Kevin says. “The Packers.”

Three Little Giants players are walking down the driveway, away from the garage.

”Where are you going?” Danny calls out after them.

”To update my life insurance!” Zolteck answers over his shoulder.

”Yeah, I need to call my grammy,” Tad says.

”I’m just getting the heck out of here!” Berman cries out, speeding up his walk.

Danny steps out of the garage and jogs after them. He catches them before they are out of the driveway.

”C’mon, guys,” he says. “They’re just pee-wee football players. Just like you.”

”Like us?’ Zolteck says in disbelief. “They’re all bigger than anyone on our team! I think some of them had beards! And tattoos!”

“They’re all bigger than anyone on our team! I think some of them had beards! And tattoos!”

Danny corrals the boys and turns them back towards the garage. The boys look reluctant, but they fall into step and allow themselves to be escorted back inside where the other players are waiting.

Kevin is at a chalkboard with Nubie standing next to him, his playbook in hand.

”We ready?” Kevin asks, looking slightly annoyed.

Danny nods as the three absconding players find places to sit next to their teammates.

Kevin begins drawing on the chalkboard, glancing down at Nubie’s playbook.

”The best way to defeat size,” he says as the Xs and Os develop on the slate, “is with speed.”

Warner Brothers production / Illustration by Tyson Whiting

It’s game day, and we get a view of a beautiful football field surrounded on both sides by bleachers. Fans are packed into them, each side waving signs and wearing the colors of their team.

As the Little Giants come onto the field and tear through a paper sign, one side of the stadium erupts in cheers.

”Nice turnout,” says Danny to Kevin as they come out behind their team.

”People can’t resist a good football game, Danny,” Kevin says. “Let’s give them a game to remember.”

On the other side of the field, a golf cart pulling a trailer drives up in front of the entrance of the home team. On the trailer is a brick wall with “Packers” spray painted on it in green and gold. All the Little Giants are standing there, eyes locked on the strange display across the field.

Suddenly, the wall shakes. And then again. And again. And again. And then it topples and crumbles to the ground, throwing up a cloud of dust into the air. Fans on the Little Giants’ side of the field gasp as figures begin to emerge from the dust.

A trio of Packers players, including the younger Hayes, steps into view. They are holding sledgehammers. Without a word, Hayes lifts his hammer and points it straight at the Little Giants. He holds it there for a few moments before letting it drop onto the green grass turf.

”Packers! Packers! Packers! Packers!” the crowd on that side of the field begins to chant. The players come marching over the rubble of the fallen bricks, three abreast, and flow onto the field.

Fans in the Little Giants’ stands look at one another nervously and remain silent.

Danny and Kevin glance back at the stunned crowd, then to their players, and then call them to the sidelines.

”Blood and guts. If they hit us hard enough, they’ll get to see both.”

”We can’t let their size intimidate us,” Danny says. “You’ve beaten teams with bigger players than you before. And with some of these plays that Nubie has designed, you’re going to have the element of surprise.”

”Yeah, I’d be surprised if we don’t die during the kickoff,” groans Tommy Moore.

Danny frowns and then gestures onto the field.

”Get out there and show them what you’re made of,” he says.

”Blood and guts,” Zolteck says. “If they hit us hard enough, they’ll get to see both.”

The Little Giants trudge onto the field, and things instantly start to go bad. The Packers take the opening kickoff all the way back for a touchdown, and then kick an onside and recover it.

Kevin looks across the field to where Freddy Hayes is standing with his arms crossed, his attention locked on the O’Shea brothers and not at all on the game. Kevin looks away just in time to see a deep pass from the younger Hayes, who is the Packers quarterback, to a receiver who easily leaps over Hot Hands to make the catch and jaunt into the end zone after shedding a tackle. The scoreboard reads 14-0 with just 30 seconds off the clock.

The Little Giants recover the ensuing onside kick and Junior jogs onto the field with Icebox and Spike already waiting in the huddle.

”Power-I 32 Fullback Lead,” he says. “On two.”

The team lines up with Icebox at fullback and Spike at tailback. As Junior calls “Down!” all the Giants linemen go into three-point stances.

”Set!” Junior barks, beginning his cadence. “Hit!”

The entire Packers defensive line fires forward, slamming into the Little Giants. Players fly backwards, slamming into the ground. The center, one of the former Cowboys, is thrown into Junior, who stumbles backwards into Icebox and the duo then crash into Spike, knocking them all to the ground.

Yellow flags fly all over the field and the referee turns towards the pressbox and signals an offsides on the Packers.

”That’s all you’re going to call?” Kevin yells out. “How about unnecessary roughness? That was nothing but a bunch of cheap shots!”

The referee ignores the O’Shea brothers as the Little Giants once again approach the line of scrimmage.

Zolteck puts his hand down in his three-point and looks across the line at the massive defensive tackle he is tasked with blocking.

”Can we just agree that football is a game about sportsmanship and caring for your fellow player?” he asks.

”Can we just agree that football is a game about sportsmanship and caring for your fellow player?”

”I’m going to knock you into next week, and then I’m going to sack your quarterback,” the Packers defender growls. “And then I’m going to steal all your candy.”

As the ball is snapped, Zolteck is run over. Junior turns to hand the ball to Spike, but Becky’s lead block is blown up and she is knocked aside. Spike and Junior are tackled at the same time by the Packer.

”Spike wants to know where you learned to block!” Spike screams at Becky as they all get off the ground.

”The same place you learned to use pronouns!” Icebox barks back.

The chaos continues and we get towards the end of the second quarter and the Giants are forced to punt and then go on defense. There, on the first play, Spike misses a tackle and inadvertently trips Becky in the process. The two get facemask-to-facemask and growl at each other as the horn sounds to end the first half.

As the Little Giants tramp into the locker room, the scoreboard behind them reads 24-3.

As Danny comes in, the scene is one of battered and bruised players. Zolteck is laying under a table, a bag of ice on his face. Spike is taping up bloody knuckles. Junior is helping Marcus fix a pair of broken shoulderpads.

”Things are looking tough out there,” Danny says. “Our backs are against the wall. But we’ve got two quarters left, and that’s a lot of football.”

”That’s a lot of football,” Berman repeats, but in a groan of despair.

Kevin is making his way towards the locker room when Coach Hayes steps out in front of him.

”There’s Mr. Heisman,” Hayes says, pointing. “Oh, man, this is so exciting! Can I get your autograph.”

”Hello, Freddy,” Kevin says, tensing up. “What do you want?”

Hayes takes off his Oakley sunglasses and walks right up to Kevin.

”What do I want?” Hayes says, chewing his gum harder and harder with each passing second. “Well, for starters, I want you to admit that you’re not worthy of the Heisman Trophy.”

”For starters …,” Kevin repeats, slowly.

”That’s right,” Hayes snarls. “Because when you’re done with that, I want you to dress in a clown costume and go out to midfield and do a funny dance.”

Kevin looks confused. He opens his mouth to say something, then changes his mind and closes it again. He can’t help himself but to open his mouth again, a question clearly at the tip of his tongue. He sighs and closes his mouth again.

”You know, because you’re a clown,” Hayes says, a sneer forming across his lips.

”Oddly enough, I did get what you were trying to say,” Kevin says. “Listen, I’ve got a team to coach, so I’m going to go do that.”

Hayes throws his head back and laughs.

”A team?” he says. “You don’t have a team. I heard all about it. Your stupid little brother beat you and you lost your team. If it weren’t for that loser, you wouldn’t even be coaching right now.”

Kevin nods his head, clearly agitated. He looks down the hall and through a crack in the door he can see his brother passionately trying to rally the troops.

”You know what? You’re right,” Kevin says. He steps up right into Hayes. “I wouldn’t be a coach if it weren’t for my loser little brother. I wouldn’t even have a job right now if it weren’t for him.

”And I’ll tell you something else. Not only did my little brother beat me, he’s going to beat you, too. Get ready for one big WHIFFFFFF, Hayes.

”And you know what? You should probably stop with the excessive gum chewing. You’re not Mike Ditka.”

“You don’t have a team. I heard all about it. Your stupid little brother beat you and you lost your team. If it weren’t for that loser, you wouldn’t even be coaching right now.”

Kevin pushes past Hayes, who is practically stammering. Without looking back, Kevin steps into the locker room and looks at Becky and Spike, who’ve been snapping at each other all day. Danny quiets down, sensing his brother has something to say to the team.

”Becky, you’re my niece and I love you,” Kevin says. “And Spike, you’re probably the best football player I’ve ever seen at your age. You two are amazing at this sport. You’re the leaders of this team. But right now, you’re tearing it apart because you just can’t get past one little moment in one football game.

”Football is a game. It’s not something that should control your life. It’s supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be played with friends. My brother taught me that. Unless the two of you can get past that one play and that one game, you’re never going to be able to lead this team to victory.”

Icebox looks angry at first. She glances over and sees Spike, his knuckles bloody from trying so hard. She looks down at her leg and the scrape across her shin. She takes a deep breath and then stands up, offering her hand to Spike.

”You wanna win a football game?” she asks.

Spike looks at her for several long and silent moments. He smiles and grabs her hand.

”Let’s do this.”

A smug Coach Hayes stands across the field from the O’Shea brothers as his team lines up for the kickoff to open the second half. With a 24-3 lead, he’s confident his team is on their way to a rout.

Kevin is glaring back at first, and then hears Danny clapping and cheering in support of the Little Giants as they trot onto the field for the return. Kevin looks at his brother, out at the kids, and then starts clapping too.

”Let’s play some football, Giants!” he yells out.

Hot Hands lines up to receive the kick with Spike and Icebox ahead of him. The Packers boot the ball deep, nearly into the end zone, and Hot Hands makes the catch at the 2-yard line and sprints forward. A group of Packers break through the initial line of blocks and are sprinting toward the kick returner when suddenly Becky and Spike converge in front of him, shoulder to shoulder, and lead block right into the Packers. Bodies tumble away as the duo opens up a lane and Hot Hands leans into his sprint, pulling away from any would-be tacklers and into the open field for a long score to cut into the lead, 24-10.

The entire stadium erupts in cheers and jeers. The Little Giants rally around their teammate, celebrating the 98-yard touchdown.

”We need to get that ball back,” says Junior to Marcus. “Can you onside it?”

”I can barely kick it straight,” Marcus says.

The Little Giants look worried, but then Nubie steps into the group. “Actually,” he says, “kicking straight is exactly what we need.”

Warner Brothers production / Illustration by Tyson Whiting

We cut to the two teams lining up for the kickoff, with Coach Hayes livid on the sidelines. He’s yelling at his Packers players, accusing them of being soft.

”You better start playing like men, or you’re going to run tomorrow at practice from sunup until sundown!”

The Packers players look upset and begin to glare at the Little Giants across from them.

”Get your hands up and be ready to dive on that football!” Hayes screams out again. His own son is at the front of the pack of players, his hands ready and his eye fixed securely on the ball as Marcus begins his approach for the kick.

The ball fires off the tee like a bullet, straight at the young Hayes. His first instinct, to come forward expecting an onside dribbling across the open field, is the wrong one as the line drive hits him in the shoulder and bounces back towards the rushing Little Giants. Players from both teams dive for it and end up in a dogpile. The refs start pulling players off here and there until we get to the bottom — and Spike has it.

As the Little Giants go to the huddle, Coach Hayes is screaming at his son on the field. The Packers are looking at him as he throws a clipboard.

”Is that how I taught you to play football?” he screams. “Is that how you’re going to represent me on this field?”

Kevin and Danny are frowning on the opposite sideline.

”C’mon, man, it’s just a game!” Danny yells across at the other coach.

”Shut up, loser!” Hayes screams back. There are murmurs from the crowd.

”You better start playing like men, or you’re going to run tomorrow at practice from sunup until sundown!”

The Little Giants break the huddle and come up to the line of scrimmage in a shotgun formation with Spike and Becky as split backs. Junior stomps his foot on the ground and Johnny goes into motion and heads toward the trio in the backfield.

”Hit!”

The snap hits Junior in the hands and he spins around as Spike and Becky converge on him just as Johnny reaches them. The four players then burst apart, heading in different directions, all holding their arms as though they have the ball.

A Packers player hits Junior and brings him to the ground and another grabs Johnny around the hips and tackles him. Neither have the ball.

As Icebox scoots around the end, ball wrapped in her arms, a Packers linebacker meets her, gets hit and misses the tackle. She cuts in front of a defensive back, spins off another tackle and then is brought down 20 yards later.

Hayes reaches down and takes Becky’s hand, pulling her to her feet.

”Nice run,” the Packer says.

”Thanks. Plan on a few more coming,” she says and then jogs back to the huddle.

On the next play, the Little Giants move the ball within five yards of the goal before coming out in a Power-I formation.

”SHIFT!” Junior calls out and suddenly everyone seems to be in motion. Linemen break away and start jogging toward the sideline to their left, joined by Spike and Johnny. Hot Hands splits out to the right. The only players left in their original positions are the center, the quarterback, and the fullback. The Packers look utterly confused.

”Swinging gate! Swinging gate!” Coach Hayes begins screaming from the end of the coaches’ box. “Shift with them!”

Packers players begin scrambling and nearly all of them bolt towards the largest concentration of players near the sideline.

In the confusion, the Little Giants get set and Junior calls out.

”Hit!”

On the snap, Hot Hands races into the end zone, drawing his corner with him. The center drives forward, pushing a defensive lineman backward while Becky sprints ahead of Junior and plows into the linebacker. Junior jukes another linebacker and walks in for the score.

”Are you kidding me?” the Packers coach is screaming. “Are. You. Kidding. Me?!?!”

With the extra point sailing through the uprights, the Little Giants now trail the Packers, 24-17.

”But I want you to know that however this game ends, I’m proud of you Little Giants. And I hope you’ve been having fun.”

The game rages on through the remainder of the third quarter and into the fourth when the Packers are facing fourth-and-3 with just over two minutes remaining.

On the snap, Hayes turns and hands the ball to a running back, who sprints towards the right side tackle. Suddenly Icebox breaks through the line, filling the hole and coming in for the tackle. The Packers runner plants his foot in the ground and reverses field, but as he does, he’s met by Spike blitzing from the opposite side and is crushed with a huge hit.

As the referee signals a first down for the Little Giants, Becky helps Spike off the ground.

”Nice hit,” she says.

”Thanks for pushing him back towards Spike,” he responds.

From the sidelines, Kevin calls a timeout and gathers up the players.

”We’ve got to get down the field and score, and we have less than two minutes to do it,” he says. “That’s a lot to ask against a team like this.

”But I want you to know that however this game ends, I’m proud of you Little Giants. And I hope you’ve been having fun. I know Danny and I have.”

The team is then greeted by Nubie as he steps into the huddle. He looks around at the players and then opens up his playbook.

”It’s time,” he says, “for the Siege of Stirling Castle.”

The Little Giants are lined up on the field in a spread formation. Junior is in the shotgun with Johnny by his side. To his left out wide stands Hot Hands, while Icebox and Spike are out to his right.

”Down!” Junior calls out, and the offensive line drops their hands to the ground in unison. “Set!”

Junior stomps his foot and Johnny goes into motion to his right, towards the sidelines.

”Hit!”

Junior takes the snap and steps back, then looks to his left as Hot Hands slants towards the middle of the field. Suddenly Hayes bursts through the line on a blitz and Junior scrambles to escape. He is looking downfield for an open receiver when he sees Becky break toward the sidelines on an out route, and he fires the ball just as he’s hit by Hayes.

The throw looks to be off target and heads out of bounds, but Becky leaps for it anyway. She snags the ball in the air and before she lands, she flings it back onto the field to Spike, who had delayed his route so he would be at full speed behind her when she caught the ball.

The Packers players, stunned, are completely unprepared as he sprints past them, breaking away from the defense and into the end zone for the score.

Cheers erupt throughout both sides of the stands and the Little Giants are all celebrating. Both Junior and Becky run up to Spike.

”That was amazing!” Junior screams. “I can’t believe that worked!”

”Just like Nubie drew it up!” Becky says.

The trio turn and look at the scoreboard, which reads 24-23.

”Should we kick it and tie it, or go for two?” Danny asks, looking at his brother. Kevin is looking across the field at Coach Hayes, who is screaming at his players. Packers heads are hanging, and the verbal berating isn’t helping matters.

Kevin takes a deep breath and then looks at his brother.

”I think we go for the win,” he says. “It’s risky, but it’s football.”

The Little Giants line up in the Power-I as the Packers stack the line. Junior looks over the top of the center at Hayes, who is creeping up, his eyes locked on the quarterback.

”Icebox, right?” Hayes asks.

Junior just looks at him and smiles.

”Down. Set.”

The atmosphere is tense. Fans on both sides are standing. There is a silence hanging over everything.

”Hit!”

The center snaps the ball back, through Junior’s legs and directly to Spike, who charges forward. Junior and Becky run a fake dive to the right, drawing Hayes and another linebacker with them. By the time they realize it’s Spike with the ball, it’s too late as he leaps up and into the fray, stretching the ball out over the line for the score.

”AND IT’S GOOOOOOD! Giants win! Giants win!” The announcer’s voice echoes in the stadium but is immediately overtaken by the roar from the crowd. The Little Giants are celebrating when the younger Hayes walks up to them.

”That was one heck of a football game,” he says, shaking the hands of Junior, Icebox, and Spike. “I can’t wait for the rematch next season.”

”We’ll be there,” Becky says. “You can count on it.”

”AND IT’S GOOOOOOD! Giants win! Giants win!”

At midfield, Kevin and Freddy Hayes meet. Kevin holds out his hand.

”Nice game, Freddy,” he says.

Hayes looks at the outstretched hand and then back at Kevin.

”It’s time to forget the past,” Kevin says, looking down the field at Hayes’ son, “and start to think about the future.

”You’ve got a special boy there, and he’s a solid football player. Give him the love of the game, just like you and I had when we played. There are far more great moments than bad ones.”

Hayes watches his son shake hands with the Little Giants. He takes a deep breath, reaches up and pulls off his Oakleys, and then looks Kevin right in the eyes.

”You got lucky when you hurdled me,” he says.

Kevin smiles.

”I did.”

Hayes looks down the field again as the Packers begin to gather together in the end zone. The Little Giants are gathering with Danny on the opposite end of the field.

”Great game, Coach,” Hayes says, taking Kevin’s hand and shaking it. “See you next year.”

As Kevin approaches his team, some of the players rush over and grab him, dragging him next to Danny as the rest of the team surrounds them both. Smiles all around.

”This one was for you two,” Becky says, hugging her dad and then her uncle. “Thank you for being our coaches.”

As she steps back, Junior lifts his helmet in the air, followed by the rest of the players.

”Little Giants on three!” he yells.

Kevin and Danny look at one another and then shake hands as the players scream out the count down.

”One! Two! Three!

”LITTLE GIANTS!”

We fade to black, and the credits begin to roll.

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