#can u tell im having another fire emblem phase. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

madkingangrel · 7 years

Text

Which characters should you fight (ft. Fire emblem awakening antagonists

Aversa Winner: You As long as you don’t succumb to her feminine charm, kick that raven wannabe on a horse’s ass from here to Valm. sure, MAYBE she has a fucked up past and her real name isn’t even aversa but she tried to murder a fucking child and literally grima wouldn’t exist without her so as far as I’m concerned fuck her UP. however do be cautious, as lords more powerful than you have fallen victim to the sway of her hips and like I said: S H E F U C K I N G C R E A T E D G R I M A. approach with caution. Gangrel Winner: Depends honestly the mad king is an emotional guy and who wins depends on what he’s feeling. there’s a 50/50 chance this depressed motherfucker with literally throw himself at your sword and if he misses he’ll try the fuck again. but make no mistake, if the blood of the mad king of plegia runneth in this bitch you better runneth the fuck the other way because his levin sword will be so far up your ass your tongue will become an electrical hazard. All while he’s got that menacing glint in his eyes screaming EENIE MEENIE MOE! he doesn’t even say it right. approach with prior knowledge of his emotional state. Mustafa Winner: You sure, he’s a big brawny guy, but a softie at heart and honestly not as strong as the likes of gangrel or yen'fay (and he’s pretty nakey). but is there any honor in striking down this motherfucker where he stands? come on, he WAS GONNA LET YOU PASS IF YOU’D JUST SURRENDER. but did you? No. You only think about yourself. Killing Mustafa would be like shooting a mockingbird right after a madman forced your sister to her death and the mockingbird is letting your soldiers go and even ALLOWING ITS OWN TO RETREAT. so show some fucking RESPECT for that mockingbird. Not only that, but I, personally, will come fight you if you choose to fight Mustafa. Approach if you’re the dickiest of dick heads and you want to go down in history as a fucking chump. Excellus Winner: You, and whoever else joins the fight There’s no need to even try with this bottomfeeding motherfucker. Literally all you have to do is post a sign at camp that says “IM GONNA GO KILL EXCELLUS LOLZ” and his head will be on a stick before the hour is out. THE WHOLE CAMP wants this man dead. Even the people on HIS side would beat the shit out of him just for the lulz. Sure, he’s got some flashy fire magic and can teleport sometimes, but is he any match for, I don’t know, EVERYONE? That’s right, EVERYONE will assist you in showing this chickenshit fucklord what’s what. You may very well unite the world over a shared desire to fertilize the daisies with this motherfucker. Shit, you’d be a HERO! why aren’t you JUMPING at the opportunity to turn this valmese worm man inside out?! Approach under literally any circumstances. Cervantes Winner: Cervantes I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “oh, this lil motherfucker looks like the guy from the pringles can.” And you’re fucking right. But little does your bitch ass know mr. pringle pack more punch than a spicy jalepeno pringle. Once he pops (your eye out of your fucking skull), HE CANT STOP. and his can is made out of fucking SILVER so even if your hungry for some chips lookin ass could even GET NEAR him you couldn’t harm him in any way. Cervantes hasn’t shaved since he started winning battles and you’re damn certain not gonna be the reason he goes clean shaven again. the only good that could come from fighting Cervantes is that the last thing you see is his luscious, glorious mustache. You’re better off just asking him to help you kill excellus. Approach with a passionate alliance with Lays potato chips. Yen'fay Winner: 50/50 Much like roller coasters and spicy takis, yen'fay is not for the faint of heart. He survived two hits from fucking WALHART, what else did you expect?! But consider this: does yen'fay want to fight you? Unless say'ri will be endangered if he doesn’t fight you, I don’t think you could get him to draw his sword. He’s a sad sad man who doesn’t wanna see any more blood, and who are you to force it on him? Chances are this fight wouldn’t even happen. If it does, however, you better hope there’s another you in another timeline with survivor guilt because the one in THIS timeline is going the fuck DOWN. approach with sadness :-( Walhart Winner: swear on ur TIMBS you don’t already know who wins Ever heard the story of David and Goliath? Walhart is Goliath and you’re the sorry looking amoeba on David’s left nut. Not even a big impressive amoeba. The tiniest most pathetic fucking amoeba. Not only is walhart literally ten feet taller than you, I guarantee he is far, far angrier than you. About everything. He fucking decimated almost the entire world and you’re sitting here thinking you have the slightest chance? He might be the lobster but it’s you who’s gonna get burned alive and eaten for fucking BRUNCH. with BUTTER. This is one hardcore vegetarian. Approach with offerings of carrots. Validar Winner: probably you Validar is more of a puppet master than anything. He has complete dominion over his family and aversa, so as long as you’re not any of those go right ahead and fight him. but will you be able to take him seriously? honestly this motherfucker looks like murdoc from Gorillaz™ went to college and had an experimental fashion phase. And then aged like 80 years. Plegia swears this is their “human king, definitely a member of mankind,” but one look can tell you that’s a load of bullshit. look at him! he green! Even if war crimes did exist in the fire emblem universe, killing validar would be less like homicide and more like poaching. idk how robin turned out as a regular human but he/she is one lucky dragon child. So snap this praying mantis lookin motherfucker’s bones before he can say “Hail Gr*ma” and move tf on. Approach nonchalantly. Grima Winner: oh u must think ur fuckin funny Lemme let you in a secret. *leans in* GRIMA IS FUCKING INVINCIBLE. EVEN HERO KING FUCKING MARTH COULD ONLY PUT HIM TO SLEEP. Grima could fell everyone else on this list at once with one swoop of his tail. He’s so fucking powerful, if you defeat him in-game, the game is like “nah must’ve been a fluke” and starts you back where you were pre-defeating grima.The only way you could defeat this bad motherfucker is if you are one with this bad motherfucker. In which case, congratulations, you are Grima and are therefore exempt from everything on this list. But for the rest of y'all WEAKLINGS it’s back to the barracks for you. No Grima hunting today. Approach with DONT FUCKING APPROACH HIM YOU DICK.

25 notes · View notes