#cant entirely blame even when i want to they made terrible choice that have shaped me for ever but theyre still people and ill always

[nerdie-faerie]

Having a complicated relationship with your mum is so confusing. It's the knowledge that she taught me the best way to make gravy, how tie my shoes and how to make my bed. But she's also the one that made disparaging comments about my body growing up and is part of the reason I don't want to be a parent myself and why I moved across the country for uni. But she's still my mum and I still find myself wishing I could seek comfort from her when things get a little too hard but the mum I'm longing for doesn't really exist. And I see her in the colour of my eyes and in the way I grit my teeth when I'm angry. She taught me how to do my hair and how to cover up bruises. She's a part of me in all the good and the bad. And there's no way to say you hate someone that doesn't also acknowledge all the good because nothings as ever as black and white as that

#personal #+Extra #i dont know i was making gravy for dinner the way my mum taught me and it got me thinking about how i havent spoken to her in over a week #since she told me that my dad is threatening to kick me out again and i started thinking about the fact im currently at empty student #accommodation for the summer instead of back home like most people anf how part of me feels guilty for that and the other knows im doing #whats best for me and theres a reason i left people keep asking why im so far up north for uni if im from down south and i dont know how to #explain it they look at you a certain way when you say you dont get along with your parents like your an entitled brat that cant see that #theyre just doing whats best for you and theres no way to explain two decades of trauma to someone in a single conversation theres no way #to get them to understand that despite what my parents do and the fact i went as far as i could for uni theyre still my parents and i love #them even when i hate them for everything and although ill being carrying the scars of childhood trauma with me long after ive left them i #cant entirely blame even when i want to they made terrible choice that have shaped me for ever but theyre still people and ill always #resent them for the people they are and the fact they could do better but didnt for us and the fact they fall back into those people like #a bad habit when i spend to long at home in a way that makes feel like theres something wrong with me specifically will always sit with me #but for now im stood in my kitchen making sheppards pie thinking of the way my mum used to make it and the tension that used to hang over #the dining table while we ate and how now my parents dont even eat in the same room and im grateful my little siblings will never know #that side of our parents but it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt every time i see a reflection of my parents in myself and wish i could cut it out